I’ve Caught a Fish this Fucking Big!

This isn’t my greatest or funniest blog. It’s about fishing and unless you fish it’s kind of boring. But I already wrote it, so here it is anyway.

I’m not going to lie. I’m not the greatest fisherman. I can’t properly tie a good knot or I haven’t even caught that many fish in my lifetime. I caught a trout once. But it was at a trout farm and they would go after cigarette butts. It wasn’t even that delicious.

So you’re probably thinking, why would I take the advice from an amateur fisherman? Well I know some good advice and tips for rookie fishermen.

Fishing is like golf. The better you’re at golfing, the funner it is. I was at the driving range and this dude was clueless. He was lucky to even hit the ball in the air or more than twenty feet.

And he will never get any better unless he gets lessons. My game improved so much after like three lesson sessions. Some tips for golfers; keep you’re head down, make slow backswings and for the love of God don’t try to kill it.

The same goes for fishing. No amount of time fishing will make you any better. In fact, I used to spend more time setting my line up and everything than actual fishing.

I think there are three classes of fisherman. There are great fisherman. Like my buddy’s dad. He’s obsessed with fishing. He must own like thirty rods and makes his own lures. He has a huge northern pike on his mantle. It’s fucking sweet; I wish I had one too.

Then there are rookie fisherman who are completely clueless. They will be lucky to catch anything. Like a sunfish. The first fish I ever caught was a sunfish. Now they’re just a tease. And they have those spikes on their back and piss all over you when you’re trying to get the damn hook out.

Then there are amateurs like myself. We usually buy good fishing lures and equipment but we are lucky to catch anything big. But I do have some pointers. First off, shop around for places to buy tackle.

I find Wal-Mart and other big stores are expensive. In fact I hardly buy anything at Wal-Mart now. They used to be cheap but not so much anymore. For example, it’s cheaper to buy food at the grocery store. I rather buy videogames at the videogame store. I rather buy movies at Futureshop or the pawn shop. And I don’t buy clothes there, except the odd time for jeans and shoes.

I prefer to buy anything at dollar stores first. I have found the exact same thing there for two buck that is six bucks at Wal-Mart. I usually find fishing line, lures, fake worms, weights, swivels and hooks there. And they are pretty decent. I even bought a Rapala rod and reel at the bargain store for ten bucks. They cast far and are just as good as any. And I go to specialty fishing stores to buy every else.

Keep it simple. You don’t need some huge ass tackle box with a million lures and equipment. I’ve seen people who spent a fortune on all these different tackle and still catch nothing. Bring what you will most likely only use and store everything else in another tackle box just in case.

You only need to use a plain tackle box or tool box. And again, another tackle box for everything else you don’t really use at the moment. There’s no point in bringing excessive stuff. Just an ordinary box; no shelves or anything. I use it to keep everything I need except for sharp objects such as hooks or lures.

Then I use a plain clear box or injection box with sections to keep hooks and lures. Make sure it’s closes tight. One time my cheap ass container opened and everything fell out. It was a bitch to pick everything up. I lost so many small hooks in the grass and almost stabbed myself trying to pick them up. I like the ones where you can place different dividers to accommodate everything.

This is all what you really need. A cheap pair of scissors is a must. You can get one at the dollar store. Obviously you need to cut line. Like the extra line after you tie a knot. Or when you must cut the line when a fish swallows the hook and you can’t get it out. Or when you get snag it in a tree or bush that you can’t rip it off. It’s a lot easier than biting it.

You might want to bring a net but I unless I have someone else to use it I don’t bother. Next you need two pliers. I spent about ten bucks to get special ones at the fishing store. You want long narrow ones so when the fish swallows the hook deep down in its throat.

And you can get cheap ordinary ones at the dollar store to grab the hook firmly when it’s caught in the fish’s mouth. For example catfish mouths are a bitch to get the hook out. And while you are trying to help out the poor thing they try to sting you with those um, stingers. And you need them to open and close those Pacman weights.

Next you need weights. There are two different weights I use. The weights that I call Pacman weights. They’re the ones that look like balls and at the end that you can open and close them with pliers. You want to close them firmly so they don’t fall off but you can still slide them up or down to change depth. I’ll get back to that.

I also use long heavier weights with a ring at the top. This is when you want the weight at the bottom. I won’t attempt to explain it, just look up on Youtube to figure out how to set your line up with the weight at the bottom.

I usually use two ounces or so depending on how heavy you want it for optimal casting. I also use these weights when you put new line on the reel and you want to straighten it out and make it so it’s not so curly. Just spend some time casting on your lawn before you actually fish.

Then you need bobbers or floaters. There are two main types. There are the round ones that look like pokemon balls. They work, but I don’t recommend them. You really need the slip float ones so they float better and are easier for the fish to pull and tug down.

Then there are two types of slip float ones. The ones with the spring on them or the hollow ones. Normally you need a bobber stop for the hollow ones.

This is what I use instead and its so much simpler. Just feed the line through it and then put a Pacman weight below it. This way it stays in position but you can still easily adjust the depth by sliding the weight. I figured this out on my own and I swear by it.

Next I recommend swivel clips. There are two uses for these. You need them to for lures so they spin. And they’re much easier to try and change different hooks and lures by simply opening the clip.

Otherwise you spend more time tying good knots. Just look it up on Youtube to tie a knot to your swivel like a pro. You don’t want to lose a big fish when its isn’t properly tied. This happened to me a few times when I have a huge fucker and lose it. What a bitch.

Then there are the hooks. You want the right size. I used to think the bigger the hook, the bigger the fish. But not necessarily. A small hook can still get stuck in a fish’s mouth. If it’s too big it might scare the fish away. You want barbs to help snag it. Sure it’s harder to get the hook out but it’s worth it. Just don’t get a hook in your arm.

I looked up how to remove hooks from you’re arm. This guy demonstrated it by putting three hooks in his own damn arm and showing different methods. What balls. I don’t like fishing around other people. I like talking to them but I’m afraid I might get a hook in my eye or mouth when they fuck up a cast. Kind of like in There’s Something About Mary.

Then you can get the prepared hook with a short line with a loop at the end to tie it. Otherwise a plain hook has a small circle and it’s a bitch to feed the line through. So with the prepared hooks I store them in the container.

Otherwise with plain hooks I just use a clear pill box to put them in. It’s so much safer and easier to store and pull them out. Try to buy a variety of different sizes. Sometimes you want to try a triple hook too.

Then there are the lures. I bought some good ones for a buck at the dollar store that are like five bucks at Wal-Mart. They work but I don’t generally like them. With lures you have to reel in your line so they move and spin. I’ve tried putting bait on them too to double my odds. Again different lures work with different fish.

So this is my simple setup. First feed the line through the float. Then put on a Pacman weight below it with the pliers. Then pull enough line through so you can tie a swivel. .

If you can’t tie a fancy knot then just tie simple knots over and over again. Then cut excess line and clip on a hook.

And adjust the height of the float depending on how deep the water is. You want it about a foot off the bottom. Otherwise you’re hook lies at the bottom and is sometimes hidden in the weeds. And once you’re done, take the hook off the swivel.

Then there is the bait. Normally people buy worms. I’ve also heard people like finding them on the golf course at night. Here’s a trick my dad told me. Put a piece of wood on the lawn and the next day you might find some worms underneath. Because my dad will never let me dig in his garden.

They work but they are annoying to put on and they easily fall off.  They don’t last too long in the heat. And sometimes the fish just pick at it. Fake worms work too. I also recommend using that fish scent spray.

So here is my biggest tip for all fishermen. Use bacon. Bacon is cheap and you can buy it anywhere. It last forever and stays on the hook. I just keep it in a bag and store in the fridge or cellar for another time.

You want to make it into a ball and cover the hook so fish aren’t scared away. You don’t need too much either or they will nibble at it. And trust me fish go nuts over it. I usually reel in my line every ten minutes.

I got some rod holders. All you do is stick the holder deep into the ground. Then cast the line and put the rod in the holder. That way you can free your hands and do whatever you feel like. Like eat, drink, read a good novel or play angry birds.

I used to use two rods to double the odds. It’s a good thing I mentioned that to the clerk at the fishing store because you’re not allowed to use more than one rod in Canada. He said if you get caught they can seize your fishing stuff or even your car. Oh and you probably need a fishing license.

Now I know this happens to everyone. You’re reeling in your line and boom you think you have a huge fucker. But no, you have a snag or you’re pulling on some weeds. Here’s an obvious tip. Open the reel clip or whatever you call it and if you have a fish it would take the line.

I find you either catch a lot of fish or you don’t catch anything. It depends on if they’re biting or not. I find early morning or late at night the optimal time to fish. They like to hide in the weeds and shade. I also like cloudy days and still water.

Always bring a camera. You don’t know what you’re going to catch. You don’t want to land the biggest fish ever and have nobody around to believe you. “Sure Greg, you caught the mother of all catfish. Sure.” But I did catch the mother of all catfish. And it’s always good to have somebody around to take a picture of you. I’ve tried taking some selfies but they just don’t come out right.

Sometimes you catch things other than fish. I’ve accidently caught turtles a couple of times. Some were small enough to be able to get the hook out. One was larger and I just cut the line. I need my fingers to play Star Craft 2. Besides buddy told me it would eventually fall out.

Then I caught a seagull at the ponds near my home. A long time ago I’d go fishing for carp with a loaf of bread. What I’d do is throw chunks of bread onto the surface of the water to attract the fish. Then all I’d use is just a hook, put a piece of bread on it and then cast it among the other bread crumbs. Then eventually a carp will go for it.

So the carp were going nuts over it and then out of nowhere a seagull swooped down and just so happened to swallow my bread crumb. At the time I was scared shitless. But in retrospect it was pretty funny.

It was flying all over the place and giving me a good fight. My neighbor was walking his dog and came by and was like “what the fuck are you doing?!” Don’t worry, he helped me out and the seagull lived another day to eat people’s fries and be annoying.

Now I forget what you use, I think its Alka-Seltzer. And when you feed it to seagulls they explode. I’ve seen it on Youtube and as evil as it sounds it’s hilarious. When I was younger we tried anti-acids because seagulls have so much vinegar and shit in their stomach. They didn’t explode but they did swoop down for water.

The ducks are a problem too. They have become custom to people feeding them. So I’m in my favorite spot and soon the ducks come by. I tried throwing rocks near them to scare them away. They thought it was bread and went after it. So I moved and they followed me everywhere I went. And it ruined my day. But they’re so cute.

The Most Incredibly Random Drunken Blog Ever! (Or the Atheist Blog)

First off I warn you how fucking random this is. By the way I later changed the name to the Most Incredibly Random Drunken Blog Ever afterwards because of how random it is. It’s kind of stupid but hey I’m drunk.

I know what you’re thinking, another blog about how Greg doesn’t believe in God. It’s just that I find the subject of religion fascinating and it’s where I get most of my material.      

I’m an exclusive beer drinker.  Normally I think getting drunk is something you do with your friends where you can get stupid and have a good time. Its’ all about the journey of drinking and getting progressively drunker.

That’s why I don’t drink liquor. I don’t like the taste and I find that I drink too fast and get sick. I might do shots with my friends just because we're doing shots. But have you been around someone who is the only one who is hammered? Their obnoxious.

In fact normally I don’t like being drunk alone. It’s stupid and boring when you have nobody to talk to. And that’s why I’m writing this random blog. I rather smoke weed because I like being high better than being drunk.

It’s just that I enjoy sipping beer and eating popcorn while watching a movie or T.V. And my mom was supposedly looking for something and found my favorite pipe and stash and threw it out. Science dammit!

Probably the only time I go out to the bar now is on Wednesday for cheap wings. I mainly do that to bring my dad some wings home and to just to get out of the house every once in a while. Sometimes my friends show up, sometimes I just talk to random people. Today I had nobody really to talk to and I had to watch the baseball game instead of World Cup.

And now I’m about to write about World Cup. This is an example of how fucking random I am, especially when I’m drunk. I have a huge problem of switching subjects when I get bored with one. My friends know this all too well.

Like we might be talking about some idiot from work and then I mention Sara Palin. And then I go on to talk about American Politics. And then I somehow get to talking about legalizing weed. That’s how my brain works. And yes I talk way too much about weed.

Back to soccer. First off who was the idiot that called American football football? It doesn’t make any sense. Football has nothing to do with feet except for the punter. I don’t know my history but I’m pretty sure soccer was invented before football and the people who called football football could have come up with a more sensible name like tackleball, handball or Americanball.

And soccer is without a doubt the most popular sport in the world. Except here in North America. And this except for non multi-cultural people living in North America. I love playing and watching soccer. I’ll admit I like hockey more but it’s still my second favorite sport. My friends on the other hand hate soccer but love baseball.

I mean look at other sports like baseball. Again I realize how random this is. I’ll get to my atheist blog eventually. Unless you’re drinking and eating hotdogs it so fucking boring. For one thing you hardly get any action or playtime.

For the infield players (I don’t know what you call it) the pitcher gets to play the most. And it takes forever when he throws the ball or if some idiot wants to steal a base. They should just get rid of that. And the rest of the players might get to catch and throw the ball every once in a while.

The only fun part is to be at bat. But if your team sucks you might not get to the chance to hit it. Maybe what five times a game? It’s like the equivalent of playing hockey only one you have one player on the ice at a time. And it’s still lame and boring.

So I had some of my dad’s corona while I was having a Transformer marathon and decided to keep on drinking. And now I’m drunk and bored. So I was looking up Youtube about stuff like the Amazing atheist. The guy is smart and hilarious. I also checked out Cult of Dusty and the Young Turks. So check them out.

By the way I love seeing pictures of the guys from Duck Dynasty before they created the show. They were all clean shaved yuppies. Just look it up.

And now I’m writing yet another atheist blog for atheist only. And I mean that, last time I mentioned atheism my friend got really, really pissed off with me. Anyway I say this all of the time but I’m not that bright. For example I have no memory. When I meet people its like my brain doesn’t register it. Its as if I never heard their name. So now I have to recite in my head like a dozen times.

I also know what message I want to convey, but it doesn’t come out right. I can’t even think of common words. Like antler. I can’t spell either and have to rely on spell-check all of the time. I’m probably too stupid to work at McDonalds and use the frosty machine. I might be the loser that gets to wash the bathrooms.

One of the meanest things my friend said was when we were drunk and swimming in his pool. We wanted to see how long he could stay underwater. I’ll give him credit he was under for a while. And when he got up he said “I feel like Greg now.” Ouch. But I still have some talents. For example I kicked ass in psychology and philosophy in college.

And I think I'm smarter than people in one sense about religion. I think there is definitely a correlation between intelligence and atheism. Like how most scientist don’t believe in God. And I’m thinking of writing a blog about how stupid Americans are. I know when you see people on Youtube like a survey or questionnaire or something they only show stupid people. I really want to know what percentage of stupid people that is.

I’ve been looking at statics and I’m thinking like there is no fucking way that there are so many retarded people. Like how many people believe that nine eleven was a conspiracy or how like 46% of Americans believe the world is 5000 years old.

I mean I see idiots who couldn’t think of a country that starts with the letter “U”. Can people really be that dumb? I guess it’s because they aren’t challenged to use their brains at all. Seriously they might work at some boring meaningless job like at an icecream store and spend the rest of their time in front of the idiot box.

Back to religion. I never understood circumcision. I’m definitely against it. I don’t think we should be mutilating our children. I think there is a reason for foreskin. It’s not like having your tonsils removed. And there is no real health reason to get it removed.

Have you seen what they use? It looks like something from medieval times. I mean a baby’s penis so small that you could royally fuck it up. I think we should wait until someone is old enough to decide for themselves. And the penis is big enough to do a good clean job. I’ll admit I probably would get circumcised anyway because uncircumcised dicks look weird and stupid.

So I have been looking up stuff on Youtube about atheists and why Christians hate us. Sometimes I think it’s hilarious, sometimes I think it’s pretty sad and pathetic. It boggles the mind how people believe in all of this nonsense. Like again how the world is only 5000 years old or that we coexisted with dinosaurs.

This is my theory of why people believe in God and Heaven. Because it sounds good. That’s it. I mean I would want to go to Heaven and fly around and do whatever you do there for eternity. But it doesn’t make sense at all. Does Heaven follow any scientific laws? Like light or gravity or time?

It’s like believing in a new diet where you can eat as much icecream as you want and lose weight. That sounds fantastic. I would believe in it too. But I’m not foolish. I have enough sensibility that icecream won’t help you lose weight. I don’t have faith in such a diet.

Faith isn’t always a good thing. Faith is believing in something without really thinking about it. I think people are afraid of actually using their minds and realizing there is no icecream weight loss diet or Heaven.

Imagine there is an old bridge that’s about to fall apart. Saying I have faith in the bridge is a dangerous thing. It could collapse at any moment. Christians are stubborn. They don’t want to hear anything that might ruin their high that they will be going to Heaven. They almost shut it out. You know what, life isn’t fair. Sometimes life is an ordeal to get through by.

You have all of these believers that want their cake and eat it too. They believe in all of this religious stuff but they have never actually read the bible. I’ve heard a study and found out that atheist knew more about religions than actually believers. I’m not saying that all studies are correct but it sounds true.

I assume they just think they already know the bible or they are just too lazy.  You’d think it would be important. I myself have tried to several times but I don’t like reading and got bored each time. There is so much useless shit in there. They should make a condensed version or Bible for dummies or Coles notes.

Religion is powerful force. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s evil. I think it’s great that the average North American thinks that God is watching over them and they get to go to Heaven. It really is opium for the masses. Your life might suck but be good and you will go to this magical place in the clouds forever where everything is nice and dandy.

I myself am content enough to know there is no gold at the end of the rainbow and that I should just enjoy life as much as I can while I exist.

But it can get people to do crazy things. Like thinking blowing yourself up is such a great idea. How fucked up is that? And they think they will get 72 virgins in Allah Heaven. Of course once you fuck all of them they won’t be virgins anymore and might you might be left with hundreds of kids to take care of. If you can have kids in Heaven. I don’t know how it works in there.

I realize getting rid of religion won’t end all of the wars and fighting in the world. But it there will significantly less of this bullshit in the Middle East with all of this fighting over such nonsense.

And I don’t think reading the bible makes you a better person. Like how George W. Bush says he reads the bible. I already wrote a blog about him but I absolutely hate that fucker. I wish he gets cancer or something horrible. He is proud when he called himself a “war president.”

Ya the Iraq War was such a great idea. It has done so much good. He never gave a shit about Iraq. Do you really think his only intention was to liberate Iraq? Hey Bush there is fighting all over Africa too. But I guess there’s no oil or money there.

He doesn’t give a shit about their citizens and soldiers. I’m sure it doesn’t bother him the least when some little girl loses her legs from one of his bombs. He wanted Sadam and he wanted the oil. He doesn’t even give a shit about his own soldiers. Their just pawns to him. He even wanted to make cutbacks to veteran hospitals. That’s sick. That’s evil.

The more I know about the bible, the more I’m persuading that it’s all bullshit.  For example there is slavery.  God actually promotes it. Like how slaves should obey their masters; even the cruel ones. Or how if a woman is raped she must marry her rapists. It’s in there too. Just look it up. Its Deuteronomy 22.

I love this show called the Atheist Experience that I found on Youtube. They just school the shit out of all of these Christians.  In fact the host Matt Dillahunty was a priest of some sort so he knows his shit. But he became an atheist because pretty much he knows his shit.

I like how the bible says the Lord is our shepherd. I thought that when you call people sheep that they are mindless drones that don’t think for themselves and follow some leader aimlessly. Wait maybe that is right. I also thought that shepherds milk and shave their sheep or even eat them. I wouldn’t call the Lord is my farmer or cowboy.

I like how people find signs of the Lord in the most pedestrian of things. Like how some stupid old lady found a cross or something dumb in her fish crackers. Do you really think the Lord is communicating to you through random food? “I am the most powerful being, but I will create a cookie with some obscure marking that looks kind of like the Virgin Mary on it.”

I also like how people used to live for hundreds of years. Then God decided to take away this and let us live to a maximum of 120 years. What an arbitrary number. I guarantee that some people will eventually live past that. But I’m sure it wouldn’t matter to them anyway. They’ll just change it to suit their needs.

Creationism is so fucking stupid. There I said it. Religious people are always like well who created the Universe? It couldn’t happen out of nothing. It couldn’t be the Big Bang. Something had to create the Universe. Everything must be created.

So they say God created the Universe. Do they realize how stupid that logic is? Here’s the obvious question, who created God then? God didn’t come out of nothing. Hmm, ponder that for a second. And that’s their answer to everything. Well God did it. Or the Devil did it.

I wrote about this before but I believe in Occam’s razor which means the simplest answer is usually the correct one. The Big Bang makes sense. Believing that this God created the universe leaves so many more questions unanswered.

And I don’t like people praying to God. Let’s say your aunt has cancer. I don’t think God is going to kill her unless we nicely ask him not to. I mean why did he let her have cancer in the first place? And when she dies, oh well I guess it was meant to be.

It’s the equivalent of asking your teacher for a better grade. I don’t think just asking her will make it her change her mind. “God will you please cure my friend of Aids. After all you can do anything.” “Okay. You just had to ask my child.”

This is why religion is dangerous. We have health science and doctors to help heal and assist cancer patients with radiation therapy and other such proven methods. Leaving it up to God is going to do fuck all. Maybe a placebo effect at the most.

Why is there all of this secrecy? Why doesn’t God just answer back and talk to you. He obviously has the power to. I mean, He’s God. If He talked to me I’d believe in him too.

“Greg, it’s Me, God, your creator. Um, I’m real. I want you to go to church and worship Me every Sunday. I know you love the song Sing to the Mountains. And we have donuts afterwards. I don’t like you buying bubble gum on Sunday because I rested on that day. You got the rest of the week to go shopping for Me sakes. However I’ll let you eat hotdogs on Friday. Technically its not real meat. Like fish.”

Look the whole God created the Universe in six days is absolute bullshit. People back then didn’t know that there are billions of stars and planets out there in this massive universe. I think it would take longer than one day to create them all while it took like two days to create animals and people. So that’s why I don’t give a shit if I buy Pokemon X for my 3DS XL on Sunday or eat at McDonalds on Friday. Which I am about to do.

The bible is so immoral and fucked up.  You know what really pisses me off is when God asks Abraham to kill his own son. What kind of sick God would test him like that? If I was a father I would love my son more than to obey my own God and master to not kill him and go to Hell or take whatever punishment God would do to you.

By the way wasn’t there a commandment though shall not kill? Either way you’re sinning. Oh wait that was long after Abraham. My bad. If someone did that today we’d call them insane and send them to prison for life.

And now that I got this off my chest, I’m going to sleep. Just before I pray to God to put Seinfeld back on the air. Science bless you.

Top Ten Best Jobs

I’ve already wrote a funny blog about the top ten worst jobs a long time ago. And since I’m getting low on ideas I decided to write about what I think are the top ten best jobs.

First off, my friends are always wondering, or even complaining, that why I don’t have a job. And I tell them I’m doing what I call a reverse retirement. Which means I will spend my retirement years while I’m relatively young and get a job when I’m 50 years old.

But it would be nice to have more money. Right now I get $50 allowance that I mostly spend on beer and food. If I had more money I’d probably eat even more junk food. And I would love to buy more video games or hit the casino and play some Texas holdem.

Sometimes I wonder why we even work as much as we do. I mean I would love to live at the beach like in the movie um the Beach. All you do is fish, grow food, plant weed, play sports, build huts and do whatever else you need to do. And you wouldn’t have to get up a seven in the morning.

I went insane being a cashier at Wal-Mart. It was so boring and monotonous. Spending half of my awake time standing there all day and punching in numbers. At least when I worked at the painting and hardware department I could walk around and talk.

I would actually want a job that I enjoyed over a job that paid more. Delivering pizza was so much fun just driving around, listening to the radio and eating free pizza. But I was providing my own car and gas and was making less than minimum wage.

So I was fantasizing what my dream jobs would be. So here are what I think are the top ten best jobs to have:

(10) Gym Teacher

Now you’re probably thinking “gym teacher? They don’t make that much.” Sure enough but it would be so much fun. I miss high school and it would be like you’re back in it. Phys-ed is a joke of a subject. You learn different parts of the body and muscle groups. And that’s pretty much it. The rest of the time you get to play basketball and volleyball and whatever sports you want. I’d play a shitload of dodgeball because dodgeball fucking rules!

(9) Webpage Writer that Actually Gets Paid

Writing this blogpage keeps me busy. At first I just wanted to get some things off my chest. Like how there is no such thing as aliens (or at least near our solar system) or ghosts. Or how silly or ridiculous religion is. Or how they should legalize marijuana already.

But after writing over 370 blogs I’m getting low on ideas. And I do this all for free. Imagine I could get paid for doing this? Like if I could include advertisements or something. I don’t know how much I’d get but any amount is good. Like $20 a week or something.

I pretty much already have written them. So I would start off with maybe thirty blogs to get things going and then post a new one every Thursday. The problem is that I’d need to make a real webpage and then I’d have to get the word out on the street and get some more fans. I’m sure once Norton okays it, more people would visit.

(8) Critic

I love videogames and movies. And I think I have good taste in them. I would love to be a movie critic for the younger generation. For example Zoolander is one of my favorite movies and yet has got a 6.6 rating at IMDB. And then they gave “Some Like it Hot” the greatest comedy. I’m sure it’s fucking hilarious. And I know my videogames.

(7) Artist

I have always loved drawing and painting. It’s just that I’m not that good at it. When I dropped out of art-class in college my teacher said my pictures were sketchy. But imagine being a non-hungry artist where you do whatever you feel like and draw and paint all day. It’s one of those few careers where smoking weed actually helps. And you could travel all over the world and paint nice sceneries and whatnot.

(6) Fast Food Franchise Owner

I love to eat. I’ve been imagining opening my own fast food joint I’d call Munchies. And I’d include all of the best menus and items from other fast food chains. For example I would sell fry truck fries, onion rings, chicken mcnuggets, hotdogs, milkshakes, veggie burgers, a thousand island burger and a mozzarella burger. And the slogan would be: who’s got the munchies?

(5) Psychiatrist

Like any real doctor, psychiatrists make a lot of money. And it’s not as stressful as being an MD. MDs have shift work so they could be up on ungodly hours. And they have to perform surgery or whatever. Psychiatrists listen to people’s problems, give sound advice and prescribe medicine. And at the same time they still save people’s lives.

(4) Video game designer

I remember in elementary school me and a friend would make our own HyperCard stacks and videogames. Mine were pretty decent. You walk around and run into monsters and you click on certain body parts to hit. For example you’d want to hit a cyclops in the eye.

So from I young age I always wanted to design video games. I’m pretty creative and have some ideas. I want to make my own real time strategy game, a nonlinear Zelda game where you can explore anywhere you want or even a futuristic MMORPG game where you fly spacecrafts everywhere, upgrade them or buy new ones and fight other players and spaceships.

(3) Movie Writer

I love movies and I have been seriously contemplating writing my own and then sending them to whoever produces them. I have a number of ideas but so far I’ve been concentrating on writing two comedies.

One I’d call Bad Trip. A movie about shrooms that you watch on shrooms. The main character has a bet that he can take three hits of acid and make it all the way home from the city with no cash. Then the other five friends take shrooms and have different trips, some crazy imagery and their own personal discoveries. 

The other movie I’d call Space Nuts which would basically be Space Balls 2 but include the whole Star Wars saga and other shows like Star Trek. I have been watching them and have many jokes and funny parts. The plot would be that Luke defeats the empire and saves Leia and knocks her up. But Luke finds out that she’s his sister and he must find the time travel device to go back in time to prevent it.

(2) Professional Golfer

I love golf. It’s one of those games where the better you area t it, the funner it is. And unlike pretty much every other sport, you don’t have to be in peak physical shape. Imagine being Tiger Woods, minus the affairs. You make millions in tournaments and even more off all of those endorsements.

(1) The President of the United States

The president has legalized marijuana.

Crime Pays

I’m a law abiding citizen. I’ve never committed any crimes. The most I got was a parking ticket. There are two reasons why; my own moral principles and fear of getting caught.

Or at least I’ve never been caught. I almost got a DUI when I drank five beers at home, drove to the bar and had another beer. However I wouldn’t say I was drunk per say.

So I was dropping everyone off and buddy told me to pull over. He grabbed a garbage can and threw it in the middle of the street. And it just so happened a cop was down the road and he pulled me over. But he was a nice guy and let me off. I’ll never do that again.

So here are some different crimes:

Murder

I don’t get why people think murdering someone is a great idea. Do they think they can get away with it? Is it worth spending the rest of you’re life in prison? Is it ever acceptable?

Let’s say your wife cheated on you and you’re totally angry. “Yes, I feel betrayed; I think it’s okay if I stab her twenty times. That will make me feel much better.” And what will you do afterwards. “I’ll put on a good show and cry a lot. I’ll say I want the perpetrator caught. And if that doesn’t work, I’m going to Mexico.”

I’ve seen it many times on A&E. Sometimes they get away with it, and put on a good show. But everyone knows they did it. Take O.J. I think its hearsay, but the fucker had a motive and why would an innocent man run away from the police?

How shitty would it be to spend fifteen to life in prison? I’m pretty sure they would spend the rest of their sad life in prison regretting it. You know, being someone’s bitch and eating whatever shitty food they eat. Spending most of their time in a small cell without television or Netflix. Reading the bible and doing pushups.

But are there situations when you would murder someone? Like if some fucker beaten and raped your daughter. I would feel compelled to get back at him. I think I would kill the bastard or at least kick his ass. You know an eye for an eye.

Assault

Assault isn’t nearly as bad as murder. I’m not sure how it works. I mean what happens in a drunken bar fight? Is it the first guy to throw a punch or is the guy who kicks some ass that gets arrested.

For example let’s say a dude grabs your girlfriend’s boobs or called her a hoar or something. You can’t just sit there and do nothing. And you can’t call the cops and tell on him. “Officer, some asshole hit on my girlfriend. Will you arrest him please?”

Stalking

Stalking is so creepy. I should know, I stalk Jennifer Love Hewitt. I usually drive by her house and look through her windows with my binoculars. I find photos of her and put them all over my wall.  I even made my Jennifer Love Hewitt shrine. I guess you could say I Jennifer Love Her. We belong together forever. She just doesn’t know that yet.

Rape

How much of a scum do you have to be to rape someone and feel good about yourself? I don’t know why they can’t just jerk off to internet porn like everyone else. Or get a hooker or something. Maybe this is why prostitution should be legal.

Is it really worth that much trouble for a few minutes of pleasure? Or seconds? Depending on how long you can last. But the whole time you still have still hold her down while she’s fighting back and biting you. I wonder if it works the other way and you get raped by some Amazon chick.

But that would be a fun game to play with your girl. I’d call it the rape fantasy. “Ya, I’m raping you. Take it that.” “No, please stop!” I think you’d laugh more than anything else.

Raymond Comeau

Raymond Comeau is a sex offender from Sarnia. I knew this fuck from elementary school. I hate him. In fact the word hate isn’t strong enough word. Obviously everyone called him Raymond Homo.

He was a huge pervert. I remember he would show kids his dick and shit in elementary school. He actually climbed into the vents to watch little girls in the change room. I’m completely serious. It was like in the movie Not Another Teen Movie only incredibly creepier.

I don’t know the full story but so it’s no surprise that he raped and attacked about five women in their homes. He finally got caught in 2004 and I hope he knows what it feels to be raped. I hope he fucking dies. I would kill if I had the chance. Just search his name and Sarnia to find more about this evil fuck.

Robbery

In kindergarten when they asked what you wanted to be, I said I wanted to be a robber. I thought it would be fun. The other kid said he wanted to be a policeman.

But seriously I guarantee most robberies involve drug use. They are most likely strung out junkies. Maybe if their drugs were made available they wouldn’t have to resort to this. I mean I don’t give a shit if someone I don’t know does heroin. Who gives a fuck if they are polluting their own bodies? I’ll get back to that later.

I don’t think people rob banks and other places because they need food or necessities. And if they did need food I’m sure they could steal some bread and Twinkies at a grocery store. They wouldn’t need guns and threaten innocent people.

Kidnapping

In most cases kidnapping involves children, mostly from divorces. There are the rare cases where they lock them up in their homes and probably have their way with them. Take the movie Prisoner. The guy’s girls go missing and his only lead is this creepy guy who had his RV parked where the girls were last seen. It’s messed up.

Theft

Theft isn’t as bad as robbing some bank or threatening other people. I would never do it because I don’t want to be banned from a store. But I thought it would be hilarious if I stole one of those cardboard stand-ups of a cop saying shoplifting is a crime. That would be ironic.

However if I was 100% sure that I wouldn’t get caught I’d steal from a multi-millionaire. I’m sure he wouldn’t miss a T.V. or diamond ring that much. What thieves do now is steal from a house and then sell or pawn the stolen goods. But pawn stores have precautions in measure.

Pretty much every store has those alarm gates now. When I worked at Wal-Mart people would hide items in other items. Such as luggage. Then if the alarms go off you don’t accuse them but say you forgot to pay for it or we didn’t demagnetize the item.

In other parts of the world there are pickpocketers. I know someone who had his wallet stolen. I forgot where exactly but he even had a chain attached to his wallet but these sneaky bastards cut it. That’s why I keep my wallet in my front pocket. Beside its much more comfortable than sitting on it.

And my rich lawyer uncle’s wife had her diamond ring and other valuables stolen in Mexico. I don’t know why she brought it with her but it the cops wouldn’t do fuck all about it.

Arson

Arson isn’t cool. Do you remember the rapist Raymond Homo I mentioned earlier? Around my neighborhood there are these tall poplar trees. They’re seeds are what we call fluffs because well they’re fluffs like snow. So idiot lit a lawn full of them and they all shot up in flames. That could have started a real fire.

Grand Theft Auto

Grand Theft Auto is an awesome game. Sometimes I do the missions but mainly I like to kill a bunch of people and then try to run away from the cops. If you were a car thief what you steal? I would love to nab a Lamborghini or delorean. On the other hand there’re not too many of them around.

Imagine there is an apocalypse and you and a handful of people are the only survivors. How cool would it be to steal whatever you want and just drive as fast as you can anywhere you want? That would be so much fun.

Solicitation

I actually think they should legalize hookers. Like at a broth or something. I mean who gives a fuck if women or men are selling their bodies? I don’t think they care at all. What’s the worse that could happen besides STDs? It would be so much safer than having pimps and rapists. I mean don’t you feel sorry about some hideous freak that could never score with a decent looking human being?

Fraud

Frauds happen all of the time. Mostly against old people because old people are trustworthy and gullible. My mom knows this old lady on a fixed income that gives money to this preacher.

Personally I don’t trust computers or the internet. I don’t like giving out my credit card and I don’t trust poker sites. That’s why I like prepaid cards.

There was this douche who tried to scam my roommate. We rented a place in London, Ontario and since I was only going to live there in the summer he decided to rent it out his room. Well this douche from I think England said he’d rent it. But he said he gave too much money and wanted some back. Good thing my roommate’s banker warned him of this scam.

Illegal Gambling

I love to gamble. I would even bet money on Mario Kart 64, Micromachines and Dr. Mario with my friend. But I don’t know how illegal gambling works and why would you want to gamble there at all. By the way have you seen Rounders? What an awesome movie.

Is it illegal to hold a poker game at your house? I used to play at this guy Chewy’s place after our poker league. It was so much fun and so addictive. We all passed around the joints. It was only forty cent blinds but the pots could get up there.

I made twenty five bucks on one hand because I knew this guy would try to buy the pot. And I bought pizza with it and it was delicious. Or what about the dice game that people play in the ghetto. Is that legal?

Speeding

I have never got a speeding ticket. I usually go fifteen km over the limit. If I’m on the highway I will sometimes follow anyone going fast. I just don’t know if the cops will pull over the first guy or the guy following him. I like when there are those signs telling you how fast you’re going. I usually look at my speedometer to see how fast I’m going.

Graffiti

There are two kinds of graffiti. The cool ones that look like they took a lot of time, effort and skill. They’re usually on condemned buildings and rail carts. And then there are just stupid ones that people just scribbled on someone’s fence or sidewalk. You know stupid ones like a swastika or one saying Amy is a hoar. They’re just eyesores.

For example there is this nature trail that goes under the highway. And teens like to hang out under the overpass for some unknown reason. And these teens like spray painting the sides. And every two months the city paints over it so more teens can spray paint it all over again.

Hate Crime

I never quite understood what a hate crime is. For instance I don’t see the difference between committing a crime against another white person than against a black person. Isn’t a crime a crime? “Well you assaulted this person because you don’t like black people. Next time just assault the person because you just don’t like them and not because they are a different race. We’re trying to stop this racism.”

Narcotics

In a free country people should be able to consume any psychoactive substances they want. It’s their own bodies. It’s like making Taco Bell illegal because its full of fat and low grade meat.

In Holland all drugs are legal and needles are made available to drug users. And there are actually less drug users than in the States or Canada.

As I said earlier who gives a fuck if some people are killing themselves with heroine? Its much better than sending them to prison. What’s the worse that’s going to happen? Making crack legal isn’t going to make me want to do it any more. By legalizing it, it would eliminate the criminal behavior and actually turn a profit.

It’s acceptable for people to take prescription medication. But oh, recreational drug use, that  has to go. Fine, keep meth, crack, PCP and others illegal. But for Christ’s sake legalize marijuana now. It’s absolutely harmless. And it’s a much safer alternative to other drugs, huffing gas or the choking game.

You already have the two stupidest legal drugs. Booze makes you do dumb things like drunk driving, vomiting, blacking out or passing out. I much rather be a pothead than an alcoholic. But prohibition lead to bootlegging and crime actually went up. And smoking is so addictive and so harmful for your lungs and overall health.

There is the stigma surrounding weed. I say this all of the time, but I don’t like feeling like a criminal or evil person because I like to get high, feel good, laugh and get the munchies. Imagine if it wasn’t an illegal substance. What would be considered the worst?

And the gateway drug argument is stupid.

Again, what is everyone afraid of? What is the worst that’s going to happen? Day 1: marijuana is made legal. Day 2: marijuana is sold to kids. Day 3: car accidents occur all over. Day 4: riots everywhere. Day 5: marshal law comes into effect. Day 6: complete anarchy.

You know what’s going to happen? Nothing. I have never had problems obtaining weed. People will continue to enjoy weed. Probably more people will smoke it. Fine, make it illegal to drive under the influence. Make it available to only people over 19 years of age. Make you it so you can’t smoke in public. It’s a wonderful drug. I honestly think it will change people’s lives for the better.

AFI’s 100 Greatest American Movies of All Time

It would take me a long fucking time to create my own top 100 movie list. I mean how could I decide?

First off I don’t think it’s fair to include every genre into one list. I love to laugh. So I love to smoke weed and watch a comedy. So pretty much all my top movies would be comedies. And that means Austin Powers would be my favorite movie of all time.

The problem with the AFI is that I’m assuming they’re all old people and people tend to like movies they were brought up by. For example my dad loves his old World War two movies. I’d fall asleep if I watched them. I tend to have a rule of thumb to not watch black and white movies.

I grew up in the 80s so movies such as Goonies or Ghostbusters are close to my heart. I tend not to watch comedies before the 80s. I had to watch Singing in the Rain in film class and it had its moments. But I would never smoke weed and watch it with my friends. I’d rather do a word search puzzle or watch Home Improvement.

I mean when me and my buddies got high and watched Zoolander it’s one of those movies where you look at each other and giggle like crazy. Singing in the Rain at most would make me smile at best. And I laughed my ass of when I watched Stranger than Fiction.

I’m not much of horror movie fan. Unless I’m on shrooms I won’t get scared. And I hate the Saw movies. They’re disgusting and it makes me feel bad for the victims. I just want to strangle that puppet thing. I rather watch the Shinning, Paranormal Activity or the underdog Canadian series Cube. Now that’s scary.

Unlike my dad I hate most Westerns. I just don’t like that time period. I rather watch a medieval movie. I’m not much of a Civil War movie fan either. They haven’t made any really good ones. So I was disappointed when I watch Lincoln. I was expecting some cool battle scenes. There was only a brief battle scene at the beginning. The rest was boring and I couldn’t give a fuck about American founding fathers.

I used to be an action movie fan when I was little. I really enjoyed Universal Soldiers for instance. Now I can’t stand them. Like Red. My dad loved it. I didn’t love it.  I’m tired of car chases and explosions. I admit I still love James Bond. And I love dramas with some action. If you can see the difference. Take Brave Heart, I wouldn’t classify it as an action movie, but there are some awesome action scenes.

I like to watch a movie with a good plot or story. Take the Beach, Memento, the Butterfly Effect and Vanilla Sky. Now that’s good movie making. I care about the characters and I want see what unfolds. And some of my favorite mobster movies are Pulp Fiction, Goodfellas and Scar Face.

So I looked up American Film Institute’s greatest 100 movies. I never even heard of half of them. I know they felt obligated to include all of these classic movies. Had a random movie like Snatch been made in the 50s then I know it would rank high on the list. It didn’t even make it. And had Vertigo been made in the 90s, I’m sure it wouldn’t be on the list. I think they fell in love with Hitchcock and want to suck his dick.

So here is the American Film Institute’s One Hundred Greatest Movies!

[100] Yankee Doodle Dandy

What a stupid fucking title. Like all ancient movies it’s a musical. Which pretty much means it sucks.

[99] Guess who’s Coming to Dinner

Guess who’s never heard of this movie.

[98] Unforgiven

I’m not much of a Western fan but it sounds alright. It stars Clint Eastwood, Gene Hackman and Morgan Freeman. I think everyone loves Morgan Freeman’s voice.

[97] Bringing Up Baby

This movie is a 1938 comedy. Which is kind of a contradiction. But I’m sure people back then laughed their asses off.

[96] The Searchers

My dad is a huge John Wayne fan and I’m sure he owns the Searchers. And I’m sure it’s racists against aboriginals.

[95] Pulp Fiction

Only the 95^th greatest movie? Pulp Fiction is one of my top ten favorite movies. It’s a Quentin Taratino film so you know the chronology is messed up. The best scene is when Samuel L. Jackson is interrogating this guy and this guy keeps saying what? “What" ain't no country I've ever heard of. They speak English in What?”

[94] Goodfellas

Goodfellas is probably my favorite mobster movie. It’s based on a true story. These gangsters pull off the biggest heist at the time. And when the protagonist is arrested he narcs on all of the mob bosses.

[93] The Apartment

“Movie-wise there has never been anything like The Apartment, love-wise, laugh-wise or other-wise.” You know how incredibly awesome a movie is with those sick rhymes on the cover. I’m sure it sucked-wise.

[92] A Place in the Sun

Oh shit this dude has two affairs and gets his first woman knocked up. I’m sure back then in the 50s this film was really racy. Now he have Jerry Springer.

[91] My Fair Lady

Apparently there is this bet that one dude can change this hippy chick into fooling everyone that’s she’s refined lady. Kind of like Pretty Woman.

[90] The Jazz Singer

There are several Jazz Singer movies, so I assume they mean the shitty 1927 one. This Jewish son doesn’t want to follow their retarded traditions and dreams of becoming a Jazz Singer. It only got 6.9 on IMDB.

[89] Patton

Patton is a WW2 war movie I have yet to see. I can think of a hundred better war movies than this.

[88] Easy Rider

Easy Rider is a cool 60s movie about two guys riding their motorbikes to Mardi Gras to party. And it features the cool Steppenwolf song Born to be Wild. I also love the song Magic Carpet Ride. Once there they drop some acid and run into trouble with some rednecks.

[87] Frankenstein

Did you know Frankenstein was the mad scientist and not his monster. I’m sure when Mary Shelley wrote it, it was terrifying. Rrrrr. Now I’d probably laugh.

[86] Mutiny and the Bounty

This is mutiny, I have never heard of it.

[85] Duck Soup

That’s disgusting, I love ducks. The chicks are so cute when they follow their mother single file. They should make geese soup. I hate those fuckers. They don’t move out of the way, they hiss at you and they shit all over the fucking place. The other day a kicked a bay one. It was so gratifying.

[84] Fargo

Fargo is a good movie where they take this rich guy’s wife for ransom but things don’t go down as planned. I think Suicide Kings was better. I have been thinking of taking myself ransom and try to swindle some money from my folks. I might have to cut off one of my fingers though. For realism.

[83] Platoon

Awesome Vietnam movie starring the man with dragon’s blood; Charlie Sheen. Hey his name’s Charlie. Coincidence? I’ve heard he and his friend took a bet to see how many hookers they could fuck. Too bad he quit Two and a Half Men. He was the show. I love how they killed him off though.

[82] Giant

I wonder what it would be like to be a giant. Sure it would be expensive but hey you could spend you’re whole day just eating and drinking beer without worrying about your weight. But everything would be too small. Like your shower or your cell phone. And you’d need handmade shoes and clothes. And your dick would be almost too big.

[81] Modern Times

For a movie made in 1936 it’s not too modern. Charlie Chaplin is a funny as the holocaust. It’s a silent movie so it must suck. Audiences were happy enough just to see moving pictures. I do remember the scene where you get’s trapped in the cogs and shit.

[80] The Wild Bunch

It’s about a bank robbery. I’m sure they’re a real wild bunch. I rather watch Snatch.

[79] The Deer Hunter

The Deer Hunter is one of the most overrated movies ever. It’s so boring. I myself couldn’t shoot a deer. They’re so cute. However I do have those killer Cabalas hunting games for the Wii. My mom thinks it’s still wrong. But I’d shoot a baby goose in the eye.

[78] Rocky

“Adrian!” The Rocky movies are pretty fucking sweet. I love listening to Eye of the Tiger while running up the few steps at City Hall. I was never sure if he acted like he couldn’t talk or that he can’t talk at all. Mickey: “You’re gonna eat lightning and crap thunder!”

[77] American Graffiti

George Lucas made this movie before Star Wars. Harrison Ford even stars in it. I gather Lucas was a fan of drag racing and this was why he created those stupid Ipod Races. As a teenager we would also drive all over town. Now gas prices have doubled since then.

[76] City Lights

Another Charlie Chaplin shitfest. I don’t understand why these critics feel obligated to put all of these old movies on the list. I wouldn’t even waste my time watching it.

[75] Dances with Wolves

I saw this at the theaters with my family. Me and my brother wanted to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles instead. But I loved it.. I like how he hits on the only white chick. He couldn’t even understand her. It was a Costner classic. Then he made Water World. Cough.

[74] The Gold Rush

Sometimes I watch those gold digging reality shows. They spend a fortune but they can get lucky. I myself want a giant golden statute of me riding a dragon.

[73] Wuthering Heights

There are several Wuthering Heights movies and I’m sure they all suck. These movies aren’t that great when I never even heard of them.

[72] Ben Hur

I’ve seen it before. It was huge production about an epic chariot race in ancient Rome. Its stars Charleston Heston who later goes on to star in Planet of the Apes. He’s also a member of the RNA. “You can take my rifle when you pry it from my cold dead hands!”

[71] Forrest Gump

Forrest Gump should be on any top movie lists. It’s one of those movies you can watch over and over again. I have already written a blog about it years ago. So check it out.

[70] The French Connection

I hate French people.

[69] Shane

Why the fuck is this movie the 69^th greatest movie of all time. I read a summary about this western and it sounds boring as Hell.

[68] An American in Paris

Yet another movie from the 50s. There aren’t enough movies from the 80s, 90s or God forbid the 2000s. It’s about a love triangle. And I hate French people.

[67] The Manchurian Candidate

I’m starting to think the AFI doesn’t even like good movies. I guarantee had they released this movie now, it would bomb at the box office and would never even make it on this bias ass top 100 list.

[66] The Network

I liked the Social Network. Awesome movie. Oh I wished I created Facebook and become a billionaire. What would I do with all that mullah? Perhaps make a giant golden statute of me riding a dragon.

[65] The Silence of the Lambs

“Hello Clarice.” Wicked movie. Anthony Hopkins is fucking crazy. I like how he gets into her head. And I like how he escapes. I’ve heard people taste like chicken.

[64] Close Encounters of the Third Kind

Do you ever notice how Steven Spielberg is obsessed with aliens? You have E.T., War of the Worlds, A.I., Batteries Not Included, Men in Black, Transformers, Cowboys and Indians and even Indiana Jones: the Crystal Skull. I enjoyed it but it shouldn’t be on any top 100 movie list.

[63] Stagecoach

I’m running out of things to say about mediocre westerns. It’s another John Wayne movie where I’m assuming they are on some sort of stagecoach.

[62] Tootsie

This unemployed actor dresses as a woman so he can star in some soap opera. Oh imagine all of the hijinks and uncomfortable situations. I never seen it but I’m sure at least one scene is with some dude hitting on him until he feels Tootsie’s dick. I rather watch Ms. Doubtfire.

[61] Vertigo

I had to watch it in film class and it had a good twist. I think the Sixth Sense or Unbreakable had way better twists though. I mean it blew my mind when I watched those. But I knew right away what would happen in the Village.

[60] Raiders of the Lost Arc

Awesome movie. Too bad the one Blossom chick from Big Bang Theory ruined it for everyone. Because when you really think about it, Indiana Jones didn’t accomplish anything. The Nazis would still have found the Arc and they still would have been killed when they opened it.

[59] Rebel Without a Cause

I’ve heard good things about it and I should watch it one rainy day. I’ve read they have switchblade knife fights and play chicken. I myself am bit of a rebel. The other day the lady at McDonalds gave me too much change and I kept it.

[58] Fantasia

I saw it really stoned and I wasn’t all too impressed. Everyone knows the Sorcerers’ Apprentice where Mickey gets lazy and decides to make all of these brooms carry water. But there are too many and they flood the place. I want brooms that can bring me beer.

[57] The Third Man

I read the summary and it sounds boring as Hell. It’s something to do with a black market and a mysterious death. I sold one of my kidneys at one and bought a counterfeit karaoke machine.

[56] MASH

MASH stands for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital. I’m surprised that a comedy about the Korean War did so well. Normally a military hospital would be sad and gloomy. You end up with soldiers shot in the stomach, dying or their legs amputated.

[55] The Sound of Music

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Big Macs, videogames, beer are some of my favorite things

[54] All Quiet on the Western Front

Another war movie I have never heard of. If this shitty 30s movie made the list then Saving Private Ryan or Enemy at the Gates should be on it too.

[53] Amadeus

It’s some obscure movie with something to do with Mozart, religion and an insane asylum. At least it was made in the 80s. I don’t think I could even find this movie at the movie rental store if I tried.

[52] From Here to Eternity

Why is this movie even on this list of the greatest movies?

[51] The Philadelphia Story

All of the actors are dead now. That’s hilarious.

[50] Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

At least I have heard of this movie.

[49] Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Another overrated Disney movie. It’s so fucking shitty compared to the new cartoons like Finding Nemo, UP and Megamind. Half the movie is them washing dishes. But can you name them all? They are Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, and Dopey. Dopey is creepy as fuck and I think he’s on the dope.

[48] Jaws

Jaws is a cool movie. Probably one of Spielberg’s only movies not about aliens. It scared the shit out of everyone swimming in the ocean. But not here in the Great Lakes. Its fresh water and the only fish we have to worry about are large mouth bass.

[47] Taxi Driver

“Are you talking to me?” Awesome Martin Scorsese movie that stars Robert De Niro as the taxi driver and a young Jodie Foster as the hooker.

[46] A Clockwork Orange

An awesome Stanley Kubrick movie, it’s really messed up. You probably seen the part where guy is hooked up to the T.V. with his eyes pried open so he can’t look away while he watches horrible things. It’s all about the theme of freewill.

[45] A Streetcar Named Desire

Stella! Stelllla!

[44] The Birth of a Nation

It’s a civil war movie about the rise of the Ku Klux Klan. Haha what a bunch of rednecks. I remember back in the day when Jerry Springer was new and fresh, he had the grand dragon on the show and he was about to lose it on those racist assholes. I never understood why they burn upside down crosses.

[43] King Kong

I have never watched the full movie but I remember King Kong goes on rampage in New York and climbs the buildings and grabs some hot blond from her apartment. And the planes are shooting at him. Have you ever played Rampage? What a sweet videogame. They should have a new 3D version where you can go anywhere in the city.

[42] Rear Window

A famous Hitchcock movie. I’ve heard of it before. It’s about this paranoid man in a wheelchair with binoculars that spies on his neighbors and thinks he has witnessed a murder. There was a great Simpson episode when they open a pool and Bart breaks his leg and he thinks Ned Flanders killed his wife.

[41] West Side Story

My grade seven class went to see the play West Side Story. There are two rival gangs in Manhattan. There is the white gang the Jets and the multicultural gang the Sharks. I liked when the guy gets stabbed.

[40] North by Northwest

Another Hitchcock movie that I have never seen it or never will see.

[39] Doctor Zhivago

Haha nice name. There was actually this kid in my school that his father named him Zilvar. It sounds like a something a magician would call himself.

[38] Double Indemnity

It’s about this salesman having an affair with some other guy’s’ wife. They decide to kill him in order to get money from an accident insurance policy. I’ve heard of this before on A&E. It never ends up working. One time this dude won the lottery and thought it’d be grand idea to have his wife knocked off so he could keep it all for himself.

[37] The Best Years of Our Lives

High school is probably the best years of your lives. Then it’s all downhill from there.

[36] Midnight Cowboy

It’s about this dishwasher that likes to dress as a cowboy. He decides to become a male hooker to make some cash. I knew a real crackhead dishwasher from my poker league. He would always go all in, all the time. So you just have to wait till you have something decent. I heard he lost $300 at the casino. That’s a lot of crack money, I wish I was at that table.

[35] It Happened One Night

I don’t consider comedies from the 30s comedies. You know what funnier, let see is. There is Austin Powers, Zoolander, Grandmas Boy, 40 Year Old Virgin, and Dodgeball. I could go on.

[34] To Kill a Mocking Bird

I have heard of it. But it probably sucks. Based on some book about a southerner lawyer that is defending a black man against rape charges. I’m sure it’s racist. Fun fact: I was actually named after Gregory Peck. But I never really liked my name.

[33] High Noon

I actually watched this while playing videogames for some reason. It’s so fucking long and slow. The movie should have been like five minutes. And when noon comes along they have the sheriff just shoots the bad guys and that’s it.

[32] The Godfather Part Two

Finally a worthy movie. The third one is good too but not as good as the first two.

[31] Annie Hall

I never found Woody Allen movies funny. I just don’t like the actor because he ends up fucking his adopted child.

[30] The Treasure of Sierra Madre

There be treasure in Mexico. I thought this would be pirate movie.

[29] Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

I don’t care.

[28] Apocalypse Now

Amazing. “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.” It’s my favorite Vietnam movie, based on the novel the Heart of Darkness. The best part is when they play Ride of the Valkries on the helicopters when they attack Charlie’s point. And the chef asks why do all you guys sit on your helmets. “So we don’t get our balls blown off.”

[27] Bonnie and Clyde

I haven’t seen this true-life mobster movie yet but it sounds worth watching. I prefer Natural Born Killers. I love the end where they break out of prison to the Rage Against Machine song.

[26] Dr. Strangelove

I rented it just so I could say I’ve seen it. But I fell asleep. The full title is Dr. Strangelove and How I Learned to Love the Bomb. You probably know the scene when the guy rides the atomic bomb like a cowboy.

[25] E.T.

I already wrote a blog about E.T. I love how his alien friends ditch him and he has to use a Speak n Spell to phone home. They didn’t have Verizon Wireless in the 80s. I just didn’t like this movie that much.

[24] |Raging Bull

It’s another Scorsese flick starring De Niro as a boxer. I didn’t really like it as much as I thought I would.

[23] The Maltese Falcon

I had to watch it in film class. I don’t remember a single damn thing from this movie at all. It’s that boring.

[22] 2001 Space Odyssey

A classic Stanley Kubrick movie made in the late 60s. It’s obviously set in the year 2001. And like all 60s movies we grossly overestimated what the future would hold for us technology wise. It’s really trippy and is all about evolution. It’s the movie with the thinking computer Hal that ends up turning on his creators. Good thing my Laptop hasn’t killed me. Yet.

[21] The Grapes of Wrath

Based on the novel by John Steinbeck. I guess it’s about grapes or wrath or something.

[20] One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Good classic film starring a young and handsome Jack Nicholson in some insane asylum. It has its moments. The best part is when the native guy grabs the water fountain, throws it at the window and escapes.

[19] China Town

I’ve heard of Big Trouble in Little China. Now that’s a great movie. I love Raiden. And I really love that hoar Samantha from Sex and the City.

[18] Psycho

Okay Psycho is the defining classic horror movie. I’m sure everyone knows about the blood draining in the shower and his dead mother. It’s based on Ed Gein as the serial killer. He is the bases of so many horror movies such as Silence of the Lambs and the Texas Chain Massacre. Let’s just say he was fucked up and would make clothes out of women’s dead bodies. Today it wouldn’t scare me the slightest.

[17] The African Queen

I don’t think this movie deserves to be the 17^th greatest movie. I don’t even think it deserves to be on the top 10,000 movies of all-time. Have these critics from AFI even watch a movie past the 90s?

[16] All About Eve

All about Nothing. I don’t even know what to say about these boring ass movies. Next.

[15] Star Wars

Star Wars is a part of my life. Its part of our culture. I’ve probably seen it infinite times. I’m glad these old farts included it. Then they made the prequels. I think everyone was expecting way too much. I hated Jar Jar and I hated the kid even more. But I still enjoyed them. I just hope Disney doesn’t royally fuck up the new ones.

[14] Some Like it Hot

I like it hot too. So two men witness some crime and disguise themselves as women to get out of trouble. It reminds me of White Chicks where the two Wayans brothers go undercover as white chicks. I’ll admit they look as close as they could get, but they still look like two black men. It had maybe two funny parts in the whole damn movie.

[13] The Bridge on the River Kwai

My dad owns its. I have better things to do than watch it. Like plant a tree.

[12] Sunset BLVD

You know a movie is boring when you can barely read the summary without falling asleep.

[11] Its a Wonderful Life

I usually watch this every Christmas Eve. The guy didn’t even want kids. But a feel-good movie. I wish we saw the chick naked. I just didn’t understand when he’s about to commit suicide and then his guardian angel jumps in the river and he jumps after him to save him.

[10] Singing in the Rain

It was a funny movie way back in the 50s. I rather watch Scary Movie 8.

[9] Schindler’s List

Great movie. And it’s meant to be in black and white for added effect. It stars Qui Gon Jinn as a Nazi factory boss who makes a list of Jews that won’t get killed. Very sad and moving film. Good choice.

[8] On the Water Front

It stars Marlon Brando. He was a great actor. But so was Mike Myers. Then he made the Love Guru. I’m sure it sucks.

[7] The Graduate

I never graduated from University. I wasted three years and a lot of money to go nowhere in life. But the experience was awesome. I really miss it. It stars the Rain Man himself Dustin Hoffman as the graduate who has an affair with Mrs. Robinson. Great song.

[6] The Wizard of Oz

What an overrated and totally gay movie. But have you ever gotten really baked and watch this movie on mute while listening to Pink Floyd album Dark Side of the Moon? It’s really trippy because the music and video are synchronized and are describing the movie. For example when Dorothy enters Munchkin they dance to the song Money. Or you hear the Tinman’s heart beat.

[5] Lawrence of Arabia

Long and boring!

[4] Gone with the Wind

Frankly dear I don’t give a fuck about this movie.

[3] The Godfather

We’re are getting closer. Godfather is awesome. It’s one of those movies that you just had to watch before you die. Great acting, great story.

[2] Casablanca

Here’s looking at you kid. I knew it would rank high. It’s a classic but mostly dialog. It stars Humphrey Bogart that likes to drink and smoke. I think they should have included tits or something to keep me awake.

[1] Citizen Kane

“Rosebud.” I knew it would be the greatest movie. I think it’s on every critic’s list. Good filming and a good story. It was his sleigh by the way. I don’t know why he named it. I’d call mine GT. My favorite toy was Spirograph. “Spirograph.”