Anti Anti Gay

I made a gay comment a couple of months ago that was really harsh and inappropriate and not even slightly funny. Aaron made a comment and I felt really really bad about it. I was trying to make fun of male waiters and at the time I thought it was funny. I’m sorry if I offended anyone. Here’s my stance; I have absolutely nothing against gay people. Could I be friends with one? Sure. I wrote about this before but I don’t just categorize them in one big stereotype. It’s the few really annoying gays that give gays such a bad reputation. It’s those few that you just have to call them fags. However, I make fun of pretty much anyone equally, including myself. I make fun of skinny people and fat people which I have been both. And sure I use the word gay as derogative. Like what a homo. I also use the word retard all of the time too. But I would never use it for mentally challenged people. I have mentally challenged cousin myself. Speaking of which she remembered my name and I couldn’t even think of hers. So I wrote a hypothetical commandment about not sticking thy boner in they neighbor’s ass.  My good friend JP got it the wrong way, thinking I was anti gay or whatever. On the contrary, my point was that if God hated fags like many rednecks believe, then he would have stated it in the Ten Commandments. I should have clarified it. Anyway I deleted his comment because nobody says don’t be a douche on my blogpage. So I will comply and will edit the last part of that blog. Would I attend the gay pride parade? Fuck no, it’s so gay. Would attend the heterosexual pride parade though if they had one? Fuck ya. I guess I should go to Mardi Gras and throw some cheap beads for some random chicks to flash me.

All About Cereal

I have always loved cereal since I was a kid. I would eat like five bowls of cereal and not gain an ounce. It was easy to prepare, just grab the milk, the cereal, a spoon and a bowl and there you have it.  

Some of my favorite 80s cereals growing up were All-stars, Mr. T and Pac Man.  I think they should bring them back. Mr. T was Captain Crunch in the shape of Ts. And Pac Man was like Lucky Charms with yellow balls and marshmallow ghosts instead. And I loved toys; as soon as I open the box I would stick my hand into the bottom and grab the toy. Yes, spy glasses!

Nobody likes to hear me eat cereal or anything. Because I make so much damn slurpy noise. I hate it when someone interrupts me and my cereal gets soggy. I always use like a half a bag of milk. Ever try water? And I sometimes spill all of the fucking cereal on the floor. Two minute rule. And despite the sang, I do cry over spill milk. They should bring back all of the classic commercials instead of period commercials.

I love Cheerios and it’s healthy. I know you have Buzz the Honey Nut Cheerio mascot or whatever the fuck he is, but where’s the normal Cheerios mascot? They should make Cheery the lovable seal that loves his Cheerios.

I hated those assholes kids that say Trix is for kids. For God’s sake please just give the poor bunny some Trix. He goes through all of this trouble disusing himself as a kid and these douche bags stash it for themselves. On the other side, the bunny could get a job and buy his own. But the cashier might ask if he is a kid. No sorry, Trix is for kids. You’re a rabbit go eat some carrots or how about trying Golden Grahams? And I’m a man. I’ll don’t give a shit what those brats say, I’m eating Twix.

Lucky Charms has always been my favorite. I love getting stoned and eating them. That’s part of the reason I gained like twenty pounds.  So I switched to Special K and exercised and lost like thirty pounds. And I mean Special K the drug; I’m not giving up me Lucky Charms. They always try to add new a new marshmallow like a pot of gold or a bloody rabbit’s foot. I use to grab all of the marshmallows right away.  They should just make it all marshmallows. And I think the leprechaun is just a bit paranoid. Calm down Lucky and put the gun away, nobody is after your Lucky Charms. Kids get their parents to buy it at the grocery store.

I love the Fruit Loops parrot Toucan Sam. If I had a parrot I would make him say how’s it going, awesome and fuck you. And now every value company is coming out with their brands. I guess they think they are fooling everyone by making Fruit Circles with a poorly drawn parrot on the box.

Kix is kid tested and mother approved. They did all sorts of testing with children. How about Carrot Cheerios. No. Okay how about Lucky Charms with only marshmallow. Yes. But wait your parents disapprover it because of the sugar. Hmm.

I look everywhere but I can never find Count Chocula in Canada. What happens if the chocolate vampire bites you? Do you become a vampire? Blah I will bite you and eat your cereal. Blah.

Rice Krispy is always a tasty and healthy cereal. I usually wait to hear them snap, crackle and pop. I love the elves as well. Their real names are Kevin, Bill and John but after they created Rice Krispies they changed them to the sound their cereal makes. I love Rice Krispy squares too. In fact I want some right now. Mom, make me some squares! Honey the View is on, maybe later. Fine.

I actually like Raisons so I like Raison Bran. I not sure what unit of measurement is two scoops but whatever. The only thing is that you should limit how much you eat each day or else. Remember California raisons? They should make a comeback tour. 

Sometimes I do gotta have my corn pops! Mom buy me some Corn Pops. After you eat the other cereals first. Damn! But mom, I’m tired of Life, you eat it.

I always eat Wheaties before the big game. In fact it had my picture on it for lawn darts regional champion. 

Frosted Flakes are ggggggggreat! Too bad he died that bbbbites. I love spelling words with my Alpha Bits. Except they look all the same and have too many Qs and not enough Ss. Just like the bear I can’t get enough of that Sugar Crisp. And I mean. Bring me more Sugar Crisp. Mickey likes it. He really likes it.  And of course the crazy bird Sonny that’s Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. And crack.

The Eleven Commandments.

I just watched the Ten Commandments last night. It’s great for such an old movie. I normally don’t watch movies before the 80s. Except classics like the God Father. Holy shit is it long; it actually has intermission for all of those smokers, chicks with small bladders and hungry fat people.

As an atheist I love all of those cheesiest lines by Charlton Heston.  It would take more than a man to lead the slaves from bondage. It would take a god. Or without God I am nothing. I am the tool by which he works his will. Or are you a master builder or a master butcher?  It’s a good drinking movie, every time Moses says let my people go, you have to take a drink.

So Moses was a prince of Egypt. I would love to be Pharaoh. I would assemble an army of slaves and built monuments like a giant statue of me riding a unicorn. But with all of his wealth and power Moses suddenly gives it up because he finds out he is Hebrew and becomes a simple Shepard. He was more useful as prince and could have helped out his fellow Jews. What I don’t get is how it’s not okay for Egyptians to have slaves, yet in the bible the Jews had their own slaves. And it’s a bald person’s dream to be Egyptian.

So Moses is banished and almost dies until these horny bictches come to rescue him. They’re all like it’s a man! So he gets to choose one of these sluts. I don’t like discrimination so I’d choose them all. So he eventually drops some LSD and has a good conversation with a flaming bush. Right. So he is chosen by God to free his people. The pharaoh won’t budge and Moses has to resort to unleashing these seven plagues. I don’t know what turning the water into blood solved. Think of all the fish and wildlife that would die as a result. Green peace would have a fit. And um so the Egyptians go thirsty, but what about the Jews?

With all of these powers, why doesn’t Moses just kill Ramses? Or at least give him herpes. I hated the plague that killed every first born child of Egypt. I mean look at the poor kid. He’s like six and doesn’t know what’s right or wrong. So the Pharaoh caves in and Moses can finally stop saying let my people go. Then Ramses changes his mind. And then there is the parting of the ocean. But the ground wasn’t muddy and there were no sign of fish or vegetation. And so Ramses soldiers get killed for following orders.

Moses decides to go for a hike and gets these Ten Commandments. There were actually fifteen but he dropped a tablet. Editor’s note: I stole that joke from a movie. So everyone just goes crazy and have an awesome party. They actually built a golden calf for some reason. So Moses returns and is pissed off. He reads the Commandments and says thou shall not kill. Then he kills a bunch of people. So they wandered the desert for forty years because someone dropped a quarter. I’m only joking.

I think that Moses should have written the commandments on a scroll or something. I mean he can barely fit them on a tablet. So he keeps it short and ambiguous. And if something is not on the tablets does that mean its okay? Here they are the Ten Commandments.

Commandment 1:  Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Okay, I guess I can’t worship Krishna or else I will be killed. Fine, I guess the Lord is a bit jealous.

Commandment 2:  Thou shalt not make into thee any graven image. Here he goes again, being all jealous. This law doesn’t even have any relevance today. I’ve never seen anyone building a golden grizzly bear. Uh oh and my dad has a Buddha statute

Commandment 3:  Thou shalt not take the name of thou Lord, thy God in vain. God damn, holy Jesus Christ this guy is in secure.

Commandment 4:  Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy. Nice try God, I’m still going to cut the grass and go shopping on Sunday.

Commandment 5:  Honor thy father and thy mother. Finally one commandment that makes sense. You should be respectful to your parents. But I’m not going to listen to my mom when she says no beer on weekdays.

Commandment 6:  Though shalt not kill. Is that it? Don’t kill. I think we need more of explanation. Like can we kill puppies? And what about self defense. I mean you have all of these religious people who still kill like Bush sending troops to kill Sadam Hussein. Or religious nuts that fucking bomb abortion clinics.

Commandment 7:  Thou shalt not commit adultery. You can only cheat in Vegas or get a blow job.

Commandment 8:  Thou shalt not steal. What about a father who can’t afford medication for his sick and dying child. And everybody steals grapes at the grocery store.

Commandment 9:  Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. Don’t lie or say someone has herpes. Check.

Commandment 10: That shalt not covet. I’m not sure what that means exactly but what’s wrong with craving something you don’t have. Is it evil that I crave for an own helicopter and Jennifer Love Hewitt?

I think the Ten Commandments are just slightly outdated. I mean you have all of these laws about not hurting God’s feelings. How about thy shalt not get drunk and drive. Or thy shalt not abduct and molest they neighbor’s child. Homosexuality is a huge thing. I’m pretty sure that if God hates fags like many rednecks believe than I think he would a commandment about it. Thy shalt not stick thy boner in they neighbors ass. But neither God or Jesus even mention it. So I guess its okay to be gay.

Do You Know What Bugs Me? Bugs. So Bug Off Bugs!

I have like a 100 mosquitoes bites from last night as Irving’s. I think they drained a good litter of my blood. And the bites are as itchy as hell. I scratch them until they bleed.  Next time I’m wearing pants and a hoody and lather up in two bottles of off repellent. I wish mosquitoes went extinct. I think the world has no use for them except being a pest. The same goes for black lies. The only fun thing to do with mosquitoes is wait till one lands on your arm and squeeze your arm so the squitoes fills up with blood and can barely fly away. I know you can get diseases like the Norwalk virus but can you get the aids?

House flies are the most annoying things ever. I’m a relatively peaceful person, but I would kill millions of flies. Making all that noise and flying around and landing on you. I actually bought three fly swatters for each room in case of a fly emergency. How they get in, I don’t know, because all the doors or windows are closed. But I do get that smudged satisfaction of killing them. Just remember; never let a fly into your teleporter machine because that could spell trouble. I always check my teleporters to make sure nothing is in it. I was considering becoming half man half lizard. What went through a flies head when he hit the windshield? His ass. Hahaha, his ass! Because he’d get smooshed. Ha.

Ants don’t bother me when I’m out side. They do their thing and I only stomp the occasional ant to be a prick. I did use to burn them with a magnify glass as a kid. But I hate them when they are in my house. My mom must have sprayed so much raid it could kill an elephant or slow me down. We also use those traps where the ant brings poison to the queen. Speaking of which, how ants do decided who would become queen. Do they have an inauguration? They guy ants have it made. All the women work while they just fly around and get laid.

I’ve heard rumors that if all of the bees suddenly die we would be screwed because they wouldn’t pollinate all of the plants. And how else would I get honey for my chicken mcnuggets? I’m a little frightened of bees. We actually had them in the basement where I live years ago and they scared the shit out of me. I’m always worried about getting stung in the eye. However I have only been stung once as a little kid right in the hand between my thumb and finger. Of course our OHL hockey team is called the Sarnia Sting. And we have the lovable Buzz the mascot.

My mom always tells me to wash my fruit and such because there is pesticide on them. Well I’m not a bug, I’m a man! I’m only vulnerable to kryptonite I’m pretty sure I won’t succumb to my downfall because some spray was on my apple.

It’s funny but I don’t mind spiders that much as long as they stay in the corner. They eat all of those annoying flies and bugs. Except I don’t like it when they make webs like the webs on my guitar or my NES or my thigh master. I have heard that they can crawl into your mouth. Also I heard chocolate sometimes contain bug legs.

I love stick bugs, or what I call Stickley bugs. They are so cute and funny. And they really do camouflage. I would love to see a marijuana stick bug. That’d be awesome. Editor’s note: sorry Irving I’ll try to stop talking about how much I like weed. Have you ever seen a stick bug on weed? Just joking. I also love beetles. I use to catch them and put them on their back to see if they can roll over. And Tomone and Pumba is right, they are tasty.

Prey mantises have to be the coolest bug there is. They look like this fucked up alien thing from another planet. Their eyes a scary and they have these scissor claw things. In fact Scyther is one of my favorite looking pokemon. Scyther! Of all of the bugs there are, millipedes scare the shit out of me. They’re huge, ugly, have tons of legs and are fast. I can crunch spider with my hand but those mother fuckers get away quick and I don’t even like killing them a ten foot fly swatter.

Hockey All-star Merchant

Hockey is definitely my favorite thing to do. I would play every day if I could. Today we were shorthanded and I sounded like Darth Vader by the second period. Normally we fight over ice time. I call them ice hogs because they are on the ice for like six minutes. The funny thing is that the slower and fatter players stay on the most because they don’t skate and thus don’t get tired.

We have this new player and when I say new player I mean he has never ever played before. It’s almost like a power play every time he is on. He can’t skate, pass or shoot. He has the skill of a four year old. It’s called bullshit hockey because it’s non competitive and anyone can play. So we can’t bench like its basketball or soccer. The problem is I have a narrow field of vision and kept passing it to him by accident and give it away. But we all like him and he’s getting better.

He must have the longest name. You could barely fit it on his jersey or the game sheet. I don’t even know if he can write a check. Then there is this older but awesome dude with the name Razor. Its fucking sweet, I think it’s Germen. Of course I love my own last name, Merchant. Maybe I was a shop or pub owner way back in the day.

I can’t believe how injury prone I am. I think I should stretch more often. You see I fall down a lot for no apparent reason. Just today it was in our end with the puck at me feet and this dude is hacking away. I fall right on my ass. I was seeing stars for a good 30 seconds. The problem was that as I said earlier we were short players. So I took off my jersey and checked my elbow to see if it’s bleeding. All good except I was dizzy. But my team needed me and I go on without my jersey or elbow pad. I think I will give it another five minutes. Another time I fell and hurt my back. It didn’t hurt right away but the next week I was walking hunched over like some old grandpa.

This league is non competitive and doesn’t allow checking. Instead you have players hacking at you, holding your stick and shit that the referee won’t see. So I hate covering the guy in front of our net. They always hacking at our goalie to trying to get the puck. This isn’t NHL, it’s for fun, don’t hurt our goalie.  I play defense for more ice time but there are there are two crucial things to worry about, whether to try to keep it in their end or skate back. Or whether to poke check a guy coming in our end or jockey him.

I used to be quite the hockey player back in grade school. Then they introduced checking. So I was about 100 pounds facing guys twice my size, literally. The last time I played in High School when I broke my leg.  I know I already wrote about it but here’s it again. It was so quick but I think I was checking another player and awkwardly tripped on this bad angle. Snap! So I try to get up. Snap! I made it worse. So I’m taken to the dressing room and my dad is all don’t worry you just sprained your ankle. And I’m like its hurts. So my dad pull my skates and socks off and there it was my broken leg with a bone sticking out. It didn’t pierce the skin but it was nasty. And here is a funny side story when I had my cast on. Me and Stics were getting a ride by his mom. As I was getting into the back seat she starts to drive away with me hanging out the door. I always wonder if she did subliminally because I’m such a bag influence to her son. The whole act almost made up for all of the stupid things I have done.

I have these elaborate fantasies of being an NHL hockey goalie. I mean I get really really into them and all of the things I could do.  My favorite team is the Montreal Canadian but I’d play on the Leafs because I don’t like Quebec or French people. I would move to Toronto because I love the big city and could afford a sweet place near Maple Leaf Gardens. I’d play goalie because I think it’s the most important position and I wouldn’t have to stay in shape. Maybe doing a few stretches. My rookie card would be worth a thousands dollars. And all of the kids would want my autograph. And most important, I’d make my dad feel proud. Then reality kicks in and I realize all I have accomplished is a level 70 ogre in World of Warcraft named Gorak.

You Got to Try Pot

Welcome friend. This is a blog about weed I wrote on facebook a more than a year ago. I edited a few parts but it is essentially the same. So when I say I just smoked a lot pot last night I mean a year ago last night. Here goes.

I love it and everyone should try it. I’m actually writing this stoned. Note: I had to edit this blog this moment less stoned because it was incomprehensible and only I would understand it. Thank Buda for spellchecker. And my aunt called while I was writing this and I had to carry on and this super long conversation with her, totally baked, with absolutely nothing interesting to say. I tried to transition it numerous times to the alright say hi to Bob for me or so my mom will be back in 2 hours. But she kept on talking… about her cat. Later I had to remember another caller’s name and kept repeating it until I got a pen and paper so I wouldn’t have to play charades with my dad again.

If I had to choose between beer or pot; I would go pot. Although I do like getting Corky with my friends. It’s not like cigarettes; you’re not going to get instantly and completely addicted. And you’re not going to go crazy, but maybe a little paranoid. The first time getting high like becoming a vampire, you feel weird, you’re coughing and your lungs feel like their imploding. But that will dissipate quickly.

Soon you will feel great and everything is funny, like Whose the Boss or a fat kid trying to climb a fence. Thus you get high. It is a very surreal experience. I remember feeling like I was in a cartoon and everything seemed bright and lively. That’s what is known as trippy. Weed is a hallucinogen. I think of it as a temporary shift in your mind that makes you short bussed retarded in one sense and ingenious wheelchair robot voice guy in another

You do dumb things when you are high like answering the phone when it’s ringing on TV or putting a TV dinner in the toaster. And you get creative and intuitive, you see outside the box. You get weird ideas that sound good at the time; like building a robot out of Pepsi cans or renting a Jack Black movie. Time seems to slow down like when you were a kid and those days would seem to last forever. I rather smoke good quality than more of the cheap stuff. But if you smoke too much you will feel very sleepy.

That’s why I never smoke past midnight. And there is nothing wrong with getting high in the morning or alone. And unlike a hangover, you actually feel refreshed the next morning. And of course you get what is known as the munchies. Just like Scooby Doobie and Shaggy, you feel hungry and everything tastes so great. I’m actually craving a tuna, egg orange, chocolate sandwich right now

Merman! Cough. Merman.

So I went for my morning walk to get stoned and grab a coffee. I decided to check out Goodwill and bought all of these VHS movies for a buck each. Some worked like Revenge of the Nerds, some were choppy like Clockwork Orange. Anyway being stoned I thought it’d be fun to watch all of the Disney movies. So I went for my evening walk to get stoned and watched the Little Mermaid. Yes the little Mermaid. A grown adult renting a little girl movie. I’ve seen a long time ago but remember nothing except she traded her voice to this disgusting octopus lady for legs.

I would never want to be a merman. My favorite things to do are play hockey, smoke weed, drink beer, watch televisions and eat Big Macs. How can you do these activities in water? You can’t skate without legs. You can’t light a dooby under water or drink a beer. The Big Macs would get soggy. And I don’t know what kind of reception or power you get in the deep ocean. What would you do all day? Play marco polo and not getting eaten by sharks. And Titan clearly has no family jewels.

Once again in Disney fashion you have animals that talk and animals that can’t. For example you got Mickey, a mouse, who owns a pet dog. Does that sound weird? And if you seen the movie Stand By Me you wonder what the hell is Goofy? So everyone talks except the dog, the shark or any fish that they eat. Yet you have Flounder and a crab that look quite tasty. I mean what do you eat under the sea? Fish burgers?

So Ariel saves Prince Eric from drowning after his ship sinks. They instantly fall in love at first sight. You know, maybe they should get to know each other before they get too serious. But no it’s a Disney movie and she’s a princess and he is a prince. One scene was with her plucking flowers and does the whole he loves me or loves me not. Which is really stupid because any odd number is that he loves her? So she’s down to two petals and is oh he loves me not oh poo and oh he does love me.

How awkward would it be for Eric to meet his father in law under water? So I plan on moving out to my own castle and maybe focus on philamprothy. I really want to dig wells for third world nations And I play in a competitive soccer league. I guess you never heard of it. And so tell me what’s it like being a half fish?

Ursula has to be the most vile and ugly villain. She is way evil even by Disney standards. She had these creepy worm things that are trapped souls. I didn’t get it, but that’s messed up. So octopus lady wants her voice. But she’s a sorcerer and can do anything. Ursula can clearly turn into hot human chick. The best part is when Ursula tricks the prince into marrying her and the priest gets a boner. Maybe is Ursula didn’t chew so much tobacco she wouldn’t sound so horrible. Speaking of which, can you tell how hot a chick is by her voice?

So Ariel trades her heavenly voice to that Ursula for legs. I would too.

But she has to kiss him in three days. I think Ursula should have made her get to third base with the dude. If he doesn’t cum all over your chest by the third day you’re mine.

Seb the crab is just like Zazu in the Lion King. He is asked by the king to follow Ariel. Like all of the classic animated movies there is a lot singing. He tries to persuade her how awesome it is under water with the catchy song under the sea. However he is almost cooked by that huge stereotype the French chef.

I love the retarded seagull Scuttle despite my hatred of seagulls. They are loud and annoying. Scuttle is a pest when you are trying to eat fries. His stomach is seeping with vinegar and if he took some Alka-Seltzer he’d explode. Notice in Finding Nemo that there is also a retarded seagull. Scuttle is always naming things to the loot Ariel brings him. This pointy thing is a thingamajig and this rubber thing with white residue is a condom.

Horror Movies

Remember watching horror movies as a kid? I always use to hide or cover my face with a pillow during the scary parts. Remember Ghostbusters? Every time I watched them I’d get scared of that ghost in the library and my brother would lie to me. Is it over now? Yup. Ahhh! And I take them too seriously. Watch out bitch he’s right behind you. Or don’t go upstairs.

I grew up with the whole 80s horror classics like Nightmare on Elms Streetor Friday the Thirteen. Those used to give me nightmares for a week. Now I watch them and think they are funnier than anything else. Freddy was my favorite. I guess burning an evil person sounded good at the time. But nobody deserves that no matter how evil they are. Do you know how many skin grafts it took? The bill will have been a fortune. I guess if he can’t sleep because he is worrying about his bills, than nobody else can. If it was my dream I would think of a rocket launcher as if I was the Green Lantern and blow him away.

Scream was a really good movie. Drew Berry was the first to go. She guessed wrong on who the killer was in Friday the Thirteen. It was actually Jason’s mother in the first one because her son drowned. With such a nice house she should have got ATD. There is a killer in my house and I can’t just leave because I’m making Jiffy Puff and it could burn. Then they made two more. Cough. They should have started with an entirely new cast of characters instead of the killer being her roommates, uncle’s lawyer’s cousin. I always guess wrong. It’s got to be the pool boy because he is the only one who can get inside and he hated cleaning all the shit. I liked the part where he’s the killer. No he’s the killer.

I never understood I Know What You Did Last Summer. I smoked weed and played World of Warcraft all last summer without accidentally killing someone. The only reason I watched it was because Jennifer Love Hewitt and Sara Michelle Gellar are so incredibly hot. Carry pepper spray or something. I don’t even remember how it ended. Then they made another one. With Jack Black as the comic relief.

What would you do if you were in a horror movie? First off I wouldn’t try the whole I don’t want to die bit. I’m pretty sure some evil mass murderer won’t have a change of heart. Oh you don’t want me to stab you thirty times like O.J? I thought you wanted to die. How come everyone has a car that won’t start for whatever reason? No the killer broke the spark plug and drained the battery listening to Goth music. I never had a problem starting my mom’s car. Although I never do fill it. And I can’t call the police because I used up all of my minutes for my cell phone. Wait I will try to text the police. I would go to the most populated area in town. I’m pretty sure I won’t get killed in the middle of Wal-Mart. Or at least if I go, they have cameras everywhere and would find him. Or her. The intercom goes on; we have a spill of blood in isle three can somebody bring a mop. And can we have associate in house wares, we have a sketch individual looking at knifes.

What’s the scariest horror movie you ever seen. I feel less is more. I rather watch a psychological thriller to just some gore film. The Shinning is my favorite horror classic made by the horror king himself Stephen King and director Stanley Kubrick. Jack Nicholson was the prefect killer. Here’s Johnny. It starts off slow but the tension builds up as he descends into insanity. The twin girls or the old lady in the bath scarred that shit out of me. It had the perfect ending in the maze.

The Six Sense was as a cinematic experience. My friends were watching it and I came over just after Bruce gets shot by that crazy guy played by the New Kids on the Block. Spoiler alert! So I had no clue that Bruce was a ghost himself. I watched it again just to put all of the pieces together. But wow it was especially scary when you see the ghost wife that slit her wrists or the boy with his head blown off.

Then they made the Saw movies. I hated them. I can’t even watch that disgusting shit. Okay I have to cut off my leg because I’m a shoplifter and stole some CDs. How the fuck can’t they find this douche. They always rush after the puppet alone instead of getting a fucking army to kill the bastard. It’s like watching a cow get butchered.

Catnip

I love cats and have been asking for one forever. My parents are finally considering getting me one since I have nothing to do but play video games and poker. I promise I will feed it, clean it and give it all of my love. The only thing stopping me getting one is that my mom is worried about allergies and hair all over the place. But they’re much easier to take care of than dogs. And we could easily bring it to Florida.  It would definitely keep me company in the basement during those lonesome times. I just hope to not get one of those snooty ones that don’t like you and just sit there licking themselves. I think I’d get a male cat because female cats get all slutty and annoying when they are in heat. I’d choose a milk cat; black and white or maybe beige and white. His name would be Ted. Ha-ha a cat named Ted. Or maybe Kitty from South Park or Meowth from Pokemon. Or maybe I should look up baby names for kittens. I would smoke some weed while Kitty does some catnip. And use my laser pointer to entertain Kitty for hours. Do cats do tricks? I’d teach him to bring me chips and the phone. What I’m not sure is whether I will let him out the house. Maybe because something could happen or it runs away. I don’t know how I could handle that rejection. It’s sad I recently I saw a lost cat sign near my house. And my uncle brought in some cat from the streets they called Gimpy because one of its foot was messed up. But was it the nicest cat ever and liked to get petted. And I have heard of cat aids which at first scared the shit out of me before I was told it was not contagious to humans. No Kitty that's my pot pie!

It’s Canada Day baby!

Everyone knows that Canada is the greatest nation in the world. I mean who doesn’t like Canada. Our flag kicks ass, the red maple leaf is a cool symbol. We got the name Canada from a Native who meant that his village is named Canada. July 1^st is what we call Canada day.

Natives have been living in Canada for forever until the white man came. So I think it’s a little racist that we say Canada was founded in um1867? So 2011 minus 1867 is um. Let me see my calculator, oh Canada is 144 years old. I think. I wore my colors and a stupid hat like most others do. Then you get some dude wearing a blue t-shirt. Hey America Day is on the Forth of July traitor.

The parade was good but Lisa was right when she told me that there were just a lot of floats with people waving or just random people walking around with these almost advertisements. Like these kids will be holding a banner for the Burger King kids club and try our Angry Cheeseburger. And happy Canada Day!

I do love the shriners and their little cars. I wish I had one. Too bad we need replacement drivers soon because those old dudes won’t be riding their mini cars forever. What’s this? Henry kicked the bucket? I wonder if they drive their mini cars down to the cemetery with a mini hearse.

A lot of the floats throw candy at you. I don’t know how safe it is for kids to jump into the middle of the road while these floats and these shrinners coming by. I saw this kid getting all of the candies for himself and left none for this little girl. Part of my twisted humor is that I think it is funny when kids cry over nothing.

There was the gymnast. These little girls looked stronger than me and could pull off all these crazy acrobatic maneuvers. I can barely do a cart wheel.

There are always the fire trucks that spray water at you when they should be ready to fight fires. I used to love throwing water balloons back at them. And make them small enough not to explode but slap them on their face.

I love bag pipes. Most people find them annoying but not me. My brother actually has my great grandfather playing the pipes tattooed on his arm. I wish I could do the whole drum roll thing.

For what ever reason there was a guy dresses up as Boba Fett. He made his own costume and it looked fucking awesome. But I have no idea what Star Wars had to do with Canada. If I had a Boba Fett costume I’d be wearing it all the time.

Anyway I going to the fireworks tonight and am going to get really stoned. My favorite are the loud ones and I love to pretend to be in Vietnam. It’s like Apocalypse Now when they are at the bridge and everything is all crazy. I don’t know how they work? I’m sure it’s all done on computers now. But I always wonder if something will screw up and the trees are caught on fire or the dude blows off his arm. I going to actually bring a towel or chair this time and not lie on the ground And if I drive I’m planning to park way the fuck down the road so I don’t spend $20 on gas idling for a half hour.

A good thing I bought beer yesterday because they are closed today. I realize it’s a holiday but every year people forget that and have to go across the border or steal dad’s liquor. I just wish I could get as excited that it’s Canada as everyone else. Maybe I should get really wasted and be like hey people it’s Canada Day! Booya!