Trading Cards

Back in the day me and my brother used to be hardcore hockey cards collectors. It was addictive and we spent our entire allowance on them. We either bought them at the Kwiki Mart or at this dude’s garage that he sold them out of. The packages always came with that disgusting rock hard gum. Hey next time use Strident. I mean Strident lasts forever.

Don’t get me wrong I always loved that Kinder Surprise chocolate but I’m buying it for the toys. Sometimes it’s a good surprise like those cars that you wind up and release them. Sometimes it’s a shitty surprise like a thumbtack or a gay surprise like a miniature pink plastic unicorn.

As you know the better the pro athlete the rarer the card. That’s why you get a Greg Merchant hockey card every other package and maybe if you are lucky you score big time with a Wayne Gretzky card. My family’s favorite team has always been the Montréal Canadians. But I don’t know why. So that’s why brother’s most covenant and valuable card is the Patrick Roy rookie card. It’s pronounced Patrick Waaa because he’s French.

I always wished my dad would have kept his old hockey cards. He didn’t have the foreknowledge to keep them and in good condition and make a fortune. No he didn’t give a shit and ended up playing this game with his friends where you throw them against the wall and something.

Whatever you do don’t get your card autographed. It’s more valuable without the signature. Funny story, back in the day me and my brother went to a Shawn Bur and Steve Yzerman hockey camp because my dad had high hopes for my brother. He was always the athlete of the family and I just tagged along. I played house league and my brother played travel where they use to travel a lot.

My brother won the shoot out competition and received an awesome hockey stick signed by Steve Yzerman. We also got half of the Redwing player’s signatures on authentic Redwing jerseys. And then my mom put them in the washing machine. Yes, that’s right she washed them and I don’t even know what had come of them.

Well I know my cousin would go way out of town just to buy any collectables. He’s a grown man and like the 40 year virgin he still collects He-Man, Transformers and other action figures. Well every year Mc Donald’s sell these hockey cards that he collects. I don’t even know if he goes there for delicious Big Macs or what. My question is do people still buy cards for what they are supposed to be worth?

Years later me and my friends bought Overpower cards. Which were cool. I realize they made new Overpower cards but these are old school. I’m bad at explaining things but here it goes. They are Marvel Comics trading cards where you collect Marvel heroes or villains and go head to head with one of your friends. Each hero has three statistics that are fighting, strength and energy. For example Professor X would have a high energy and low strength and low fighting. You each have four heroes and you deal your own deck with hero specialty cards and action cards of those three statistics. Then you attack and defend and whoever has any heroes left wins. One friend of mine collected comics and found a revive hero card inside. Cheap! Again they were addictive and I spent all of my paperboy money on them.

Then there was this fat French kid I know who was part of the clique that I would sell candy to. For example I would buy Twix at the discount store and then sell it to him for double or triple because he’s fat. He always stole his dad’s money and bought us things. He even once paid me ten bucks just to come over to my place where me and my friend were having Kraft dinner.

One thing I didn’t like was he was friends with this crazy fuck Raymond Como that we would call Raymond Homo. Homo would even climb in the vents to watch girls change and years later he raped like ten chicks. What an evil fucking douche. I hope he goes to jail and see how being raped feels like.

So French fatty would end up buying like thirty packs with his dad’s money. He had so many heroes except for this one rare hero, I think it was Cable. So I get Cable and ended up selling it to him for fifteen bucks. Then he buys some more packages and you got it, he gets Cable. There was also this nerd that we would rip him off if we were nice to him. And I still have my Overpower cards in my drawers. I like the pictures.

There were a ton of shitty trading cards too. Like Desert Storm trading cards. I bought some and I had no clue who they fuck they were. Like you get General John Doe with a list of his medals. That’s nice. I think it would be cooler to have some crazy Vietnam soldiers with how many kills they have. I don’t know if it would be appropriate to have Iraqi or Afghani soldiers’ cards. Like the rare navy seal that shot Osama Bin Laden in the heart and eye card.

There were also Batman cards of the non-gay Batman movie with Michael Keaton and Jack Nicolson. For example there might a picture of the Batmobile, Alfred serving Meatloaf or Kim Basinger with the subtitle Vicki is a hoar. I’m just glad they never made Batman and Robin cards because it’s such a bad movie.

There was even Alf cards. They were either a funny clip like Alf eating a cat or there were Melmac baseball cards that were funny. I would never think that there would be cards made of a sitcom. Imagine there were Two and a Half Men cards with all of the chicks that Charlie has banged. They would have stats like cup size, age, fetishes and how many times they fucked. The Rose card is the rarest of them all.

I also remember when I was youngling that there were these fucked up cards called Garbage Pail Kids. They were introduced in 1987 and looked just like Cabbage Patch Kids. They had zany characters with funny names. For example there was one named Adam Bomb that was a kid with an atomic bomb exploding from his head. Or take Guillo Tina who is getting her head cut off by a guillotine. They were so popular they were banned in schools.

Finally there are Magic cards. Ha-ha nerds! I have no clue how you play it or anything at all really. I think you collect mystical creatures such as green centaur elves, blood horned goblins and night ghost knights and fight each other. Hmm, that also sounds like one of my favorite games; Heroes and Magic. But I don’t feel like a dork when I buy it at Wal-Mart. Magic users have to buy them at the Kiwki Mart and each time the East Indian clerk looks down upon them and laughs when they leave. “Ha-ha silly American nerds!”

I remember back in college on the second day at Perth Hall there were these two nerds already getting out the Magic that they will probably spend their whole year doing. Hey geeks next time shut the door when playing Magic, you don’t want any chicks to see you and think you’re totally fags. I was actually having fun pretending to be interesting in their game. They’re totally missing out in the whole college experience where they should be partying. Hey, when you graduate and are desperately alone then go nuts with Magic and let your imagination soar.

I Love The 80s

I grew up in the 80s and this is what I remember.

The 80s was an age of sitcoms that were respectable, wholesome and taught me life lessons. Some of the top sitcoms were the Cosby Show, Perfect Strangers, Growing Pains, Who’s the Boss, Alf and yes the Golden Girls. Now you have shows like Two and a Half Men.

Some of the cars of the 80s were shitty like the Station Wagon. One game is when you see and call beaver wagon first, you get to punch whoever else is in the car. Except for the driver. My dad had a Fiero just like the sister in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.  It is currently parked at my bros apartment in his spot and he uses the visitors spot for his jeep. My dad wants $3000 for it but I highly doubt anyone would want it. I rather have a Delorean.

My dad listened to ACDC, Madonna and Beach Boys. So I pretty much listened to whatever he listened to. I also liked new wave and electronica. But not so much the music of the late child molester that is Michael Jackson.  Some of my favorite movies were the Goonies, Indiana Jones, the Great Outdoors, Ghostbusters, Batteries Not Included and Short Circuit. I like robots. I liked the comedies at the time but I hardly watch anything made before the 90s or even 00s.

I noticed that 80s fashion is back. You know with bright florescent colors and even the whole one shoulder thing that chicks do. Now my clothes seem bland and my pants baggy. Nobody wears cargo pants or carpenter jeans anymore. Now the jeans are really tight. That’s too bad for fat people. Sure I have a sexy ass but I just don’t like tight jeans. I feel like those old people with their pants up to their necks that will never change their style that they grew up with. Even my mom had those shoulder pad tops. And of course people in the 80s wore those short shorts that are shorter than my boxers. And my uncle still does wear them.

Kids today are spoiled with these high tech video games. Back in the early 80s you hit the arcade and spent your allowance there. And you had to have quarters ready in time for that damn continue screen that counts down after you died. The enemies were a couple of pixels so you had to use your imagination. The thing about 80s is that most games were the same screen each level; such as Qubert, Donkey Kong, Pac Man, Space Invaders and Frogger.

I had an Atari that my dad spent a fortune on. It came with awkward joysticks with one, maybe two buttons. The only two good games I liked were Moon Patrol and Asteroids. Games that were fun at the arcade were boring at home on the Atari. Take Pac Man, all you do is try to eat cookies and get to the next stage just to do it all over again. Very frustrating. I always wondered how many levels there are. Today I have no desire to play them. But every once in a while I like to get out the old NES and play some hit games like Punch Out, Super Mario, and Zelda.

Now the kids have X-Box 360s and Sony 3s with super realistic graphics and controllers with like twelve buttons and two control sticks. These kids don’t appreciate older video games. Sometimes I feel game developers spend too much time making awesome graphics and not enough on gameplay and content. That’s why I enjoy my DS with strategy and role playing games over my X-Box.

So without any decent video games, kids in the 80s played a lot of board games. I already wrote about board games in one of my first blogs; so check it out in the archive. So here are some popular 80s board games that I haven’t already written about.

Rubik’s Cube

I realize it’s not a board game but fuck it. One of the most iconic things from the 80s is the Rubik’s Cube. Unless you’re Rain Man or a robot, it’s impossible to solve and just plain frustrating. My brother finally took the stickers off and then stuck them back the right way. I think it would be a good idea to make a new Rubik’s Cube with different colored lights, sound effects and the ability to reset it.

Sorry

I use the word sorry so many times it has lost all meaning. “Greg stop saying sorry all the damn time.” “Sorry.” This has happened many of times. As you know in Sorry you must move your guys around the board, collect cards and at the same time mess with other players. I think they should make a drinking game called “Screw You” where you fuck with other players, say “my bad” and take shots accordingly.

Ewoks

I loved Ewoks and I always wanted a stuffed animal Wicket. Jub, jub. They first appeared in Return of the Jedi as the lovable native creatures of the moon of Endor. The baby was so cute. I loved their hut village high up in the trees and always wanted to live there. The original ending was the whole gang in the village partying it up with Dak and the ghosts of an old Anakin, OB1 and Yoda with some funky Ewok music. Then they changed the ending in the newer and “better” edition. Anyway there was a really simple board game where you hang glide around the board and collect fruit.

Battleships

Battleship is where you and the other player hide your ships on a grid. Then you guess the coordinates of your enemy’s ships. If your ship gets hit you say “hit” and if it gets sunk you have to say “you sunk my Destroyer.” And then they made Electronic Battleship because you know it was too difficult to say “hit” or that “your ship has sunk.” Or maybe people might lie. My strategy was to put them all in one spot.

Operation

Operation is a game where you operate on some naked dude that has no penis. You have to remove shit from his body like butterflies in his stomach, shrapnel in his leg or a dildo up his ass. You use a scalpel to remove objects, like a kidney for a transplant, without hitting the edges. If you do this his nose glows or he bleeds to death. I could never operate on him because of my shaky hands. I think they should make 50 cent Operation edition where you have to remove bullets from his body and if you slip he disses you or pops a cap at your ass.

Who is God?

A Random Rant About Christianity

Here is a completely random rant about God, Satan, Heaven and Hell. Just how my friend Aaron likes talking about politics and communism until the point you want to swallow fishing tackle, I like talking about religion.

This is a blog by an atheist for atheists only! So if you are religious then please don’t read this because I don’t want to offend anyone or bring them down. I’m serious. For example I know a lot of people who believe they will see their grandparents in the afterlife. That’s fantastic. So I don’t want to spoil it for them.

In many ways I’m like Cypher from the Matrix. I am and believe I am in the real world. However I don’t entirely like reality and I wish I could go back, but I can’t. What I’m saying is that I use to believe in Christianity until I realized it simply couldn’t be possible. I mean Christianity is actually great; it gives life a purpose and rules to follow. It’s opium for the masses; if you lead an honest life then you go to Heaven. And why wouldn’t you want to believe in Heaven and see Nana and Granddad and whoever.

However I hate backward Middle Eastern countries where people think blowing themselves up and killing innocent bystanders is a good thing and that they will go to Paradise with 72 virgins. I also wonder who came up with the number 72. And I hate all of this killing over people’s opinion of God or Buddha whoever. I don’t like the fighting over the whole we called this spot holy first.

I often use evolution and Ockham’s razor in my argument about religion. For example I think the Big Bang is much simpler and makes more sense than this God that created the world in seven days. I mean who created God then? What about the rest of the fucking Universe? And evolution fucks with people’s beliefs. I use this point at lot; if we evolved from apes than at one point is an animal a human? Because evolution is a long and gradual process. It didn’t just go from ape to directly to man. So do apes go to Heaven?

Life isn’t fair. However people still think they will go to Heaven. I think people want answers and are afraid of death. Here’s a spoiler, you’re going to die and that’s it. As soon as blood stops pumping through somebody’s veins they cease to exist.

I don’t believe in God or Heaven. But if there is a Heaven then I’m sure I will be let in because I’m a good person. I feel people should live a good and happy life. Life is like a badminton match. Even if you lose you should just enjoy playing. So if you’re life sucks hey you’ll soon be dead and it will all be over. If you’re life’s great then it’s only been a positive experience.

What exactly is God? They say we are made in his own image. So where is he then? Flying around in space? How can he be everywhere, is he invisible or something? Because if he looks like us then we should be able to see him.

Why does God demand all this worship, like going to church? I think he gets a little tired of it after a while. “Oh for Me sakes, not the parable of the prodigal lost son again.” I think God would want us to enjoy what he has created. So Sunday morning why not go for a walk and enjoy nature and every thing he has made for us. Unless you actually like going to church. Zzzz. And why all these silly rules like no shopping on Sundays or meat on Friday. I heard it’s actually a mortal sin.

Religion is impossible to prove or disapprove. Nobody can come back from the dead to tell us about the afterlife. Except maybe when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. What I don’t get is why would Jesus bring someone from Heaven back to into this world? I mean how pissed off would you be when you’re kicking it in Heaven and enjoying some Big Macs and then boom you’re sent back to Earth.

It’s self-fulfilling. I mean everyone likes the idea of eternal life in Heaven while their enemies suffer in Hell. But do you know how long eternity is? Our life time is like a second compared to eternity.  So what’s the point of this life? Is it some test? Because if it is, it’s the equivalent of giving an IQ test in Kindergarten that will shape the rest of your life. One crucial thing that I don’t get is why not just skip this life and just let everyone in Heaven and its all good.

When you really think about it, Heaven makes no sense at all. Is it like our normal life only everything is good? Do we sleep in everyday, have hours of sex with Jessica Alba and it rains ice cream? As weird as it sounds I think we would get real bored in about a million years.

First off everyone would have to have a unique Heaven because everyone would have a different version of Heaven. So obviously we couldn’t have a Heaven where you see Elvis or the real Elvis. Secondly nobody would want that jerk you hated in high school in your Heaven. And would we be free to do whatever we want? Could we do something evil and go to Hell? In fact the only way I see Heaven could be possible is if we were in some sort stasis of sleep or pleasure. Like the ending of A.I.

What exactly is Hell? I think the whole concept is ridiculous. Is it in the center of the world? Once you die do you beam there right away to it or is there a waiting line? Are you in chains and there are flames, caverns and painful shit, but you can’t die. Can you score heroine there?

Who decides who makes it to Heaven or Purgatory? St.Peter? Is it like a math test and you can slide in with a 51% goodnes rating or is your Heaven as good as you deserve it? “Sorry little Timmy had you not stolen that Kit Kat bar you would have made it in. Now you will burn in Hell. Or maybe Purgatory; whatever the Hell that is.” And who was at the gate of Heaven before St.Peter?

How is Jesus God’s only son, I thought we were all his children? If Jesus was his son, then did he fuck the Virgin Mary or did he just put his seed in her? And that means God’s a man. Because if he wasn’t than God’s a dyke.

If God loves all of his children and Jesus died for our sins; then why does he send some of them to Hell for eternity? The thing is some people have had an easier life than others. It’s easy for some rich people who have everything to lead good lives. While some poorer people have had it hard and even resort to sinning such as theft.

Then there is the Devil. I don’t think God and the Devil are playing a chess match with our lives. Sometimes my mom says “thank the Lord,  I found a good parking spot.” Seriously, she does. I don’t think God had anything to do with getting a good spot at No Frills.

If God is so powerful, then why doesn’t He just kick Satan’s ass? I think all of this war between the angels and demons is retarded. So let me get this straight; God hates the Devil and evil doers, he sends them to Hell. So if the Devil wants people to do evil things then why would he punish his evil doers? If anything it would be one huge evil party where everything goes. And with balloons and chips!

They also change part of Christianity to either fit within new scientific laws or come up with some other explanation. I mean way back people took Genesis as the truth. Which is now absurd. So we say it’s only a moral story. I thought the entire bible was divinely influenced so all that stuff like Noah’s Ark or Jonah living inside the giant fish must have happened. But no because these events never did or could occur. So where do we draw the line between truth and only morality stories.

It’s contradicting. Genesis has different versions of the same events. In one account man was created before the animals and then the other man was created afterward. Read the bible if you don’t believe me. It doesn’t make any logical sense. And it’s gross. I mean there was only Adam and Eve to begin with and they only had two sons. Hmm. Then it happened again with Noah and his family. The funny thing is my mom claims that there had to have been cavemen to produce offspring. The funnier thing is that she says that God made fossils and dinosaurs to somehow trick us or something.

The thing is I know so many people who are believers but still commit bad or completely evil things. Like how my religion teacher had an affair with another teacher’s wife. Or take that evangelist douche bag that has been caught several times humping other gay people while doing meth. Then he claims he made some sins and blames on whatever. My question is do they actually believe in what they say or do they know they are full of shit. I know my mom’s friend who is on a fixed income sends money to these assholes.

It’s out of date and has been changed as the stoires have been past down writer to writer. It’s made by people who either had good intentions or swear they were divinely inspired. If I were to attempt to kill my son today because I was told to by an angel; people would think I’m crazy. And take King Solomon. For someone who is called Solomon the wise he’s pretty fucking retarded when he told the two mothers that he will split the baby in half and whoever decides to give up the baby will keep it. Hmm. I don’t think any rational or sane women would go ahead and cut the baby in half. “Okay, how about it? Do you want to cut vertically or do you want the torso?”

 

Why do we make Jesus’ crucifixion such a big deal. I would do it if I could go to Heaven. I mean Spartacus and other slaves went through the same thing. And look at Brave Heart, I think he went through a little more torture than crucifixion  Hey Jesus why didn’t you just say “no I’m not carrying no damn cross. What are you going to do about it? Crucifix me?”

Why do people spread the word of God? It’s the equivalent of tag. Once you get caught then you try to catch and screw other people. I mean natives or whoever lived happily without about praising God, following stupid rules and worrying about going to Hell for things they didn’t realize were sins. And what about someone who died before they could redeem themselves by doing good deeds?

Look nobody knows why are we here. I don’t even understand why anything exists at all. I feel religion impedes science and progress. And it is the cause of many conflicts. The Universe can be both a wonderful place and a cold desolate place whatever way you look at it. But I don’t think the universe really gives a shit about people’s lives. After all aren’t we just a bunch of molecules. So not to sound like a Hallmark card but I think the point of life is just to enjoy it and help others to enjoy it as well.

Top Ten Funniest Things On the Internet

It’s easy to be a critic. I have been trying to write something positive on my blogpage for a while now. I tried writing a blog about my favorite actors like Samuel Jackson, Leonardo DiCaprio and Bruce Willis. Or my favorite comedians like Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler.

But these blogs weren’t really funny or interesting. I also wrote about my favorite movies such as Star Wars but people have already beaten me to the punch. And I realize that I write too many top ten countdowns. But fuck it. Here are my top ten favorite things that I found on the Net.

Ten: Break

I have been visiting Break for a long time. I have been a huge fan since the early days when it was called Big Boys. I forget how I found it but I didn’t search Big Boys or gay porn. I’m glad they changed the name because I came off sounding like a huge homo when I told my friends to look it up. It has funny pictures, girls and videos

Nine: The Chive

The Chive is pretty much the same deal as Break but slightly better. It has a more variety of funny pics, girls and videos. I found out about it on my buddy’s cell phone when he showed me a picture from my hometown Sarnia of a Chinese massage parlor where it’s really a rub and tug operation.

Eight: Seanbaby

Seanbaby is fucking hilarious. His website kicks some serious ass and I love his comedic style. I found it when I was looking up Fat Chicks in Party Hats and have read everything on his site. I keep telling my friends about it but they won’t even give it a chance. I love the NES section, especially the further adventures of Mark Discordia. Check it out.

Seven: Brock’s Dubs

Brock is this funny guy that has like over 200 voices. I don’t know how he does it because he sounds exactly like all of his impersonations. I can do like three really bad ones like Apu, Sean Connery or Darth Vader. His videos called Brock’s Dubs is fucking hilarious. What he does is show clips from different movies, videos or whatever and does a funny voice over. Check it out on Youtube, the Star Wars one is a riot.

Six: How It Should Have Ended

I just came upon HISHE on Youtube and I’m glad I did. It’s a cartoon where they make fun of movies or whatever. They change certain parts like well, how the video should have ended. For example they parody the Lord of the Rings and say they could have saved all of this time and trouble just by getting the giant eagles to just fly them to the volcano. Very funny; check them out.

Five: Workaholics

My brother told me about the awesome show Workaholics. It’s on before Tosh.O or you can find it on Comedy Central along with other good shows like South Park. It’s like a rate R “the Office” with these three stoner guys. I have just started watching them but my brother tells me they are on the third or fourth season. If you are a pothead like me you’ll love it.

Four: Cracked

Cracked is like Chive or Break but larger and for a wider audience with more articles and headlines. It’s a site that me and my parents can both enjoy. I found this site through Seanbaby because he publishes articles for them. Very interesting, try it out.

Three: Fred

Haha! Not. I found out about Fred on Tosh.O as one of the guest. Fred was out of character and he said he never heard of Tosh. How can anyone not hear about Tosh.O? So I looked the douche on Youtube and holy shit he is so annoying and has the high pitch voice. And he gets too excited over nothing. I find out he has a huge fan following and maybe a movie in the works. And I’m thinking is this what is entertaining for kids today? Check it out just to see how retarded he is.

Two: I Have Issues

Gregera is this loser that lives in his parent’s basement where he smokes weed and plays video games all day. He has this blogspot page where he makes fun of anything he can possibly think of. His can’t spell and his grammer is awful. He has even written about stupid and gay things Captain Planet, Care Bears, Fairy Tales and Inspector Gadget. Most people think the blogs are retarded but some think the blogs are retarded but funny. Check it out and don’t worry that Norton hasn’t deemed it safe and that some people find it highly offensive. Gregera also looks identically like Corky from Life Goes On.

One: Maddox

Maddox says he has the best website in the universe. And he’s right. He speaks his mind and he is hilarious. Sure I don’t agree with everything he says like how war kicks ass but funny nonetheless. He has written like over 300 posts. I love his pictures, such as his breakdown of Mel Gibson’s Signs or his own Sesame Street characters. He has even written a book where he grades kids’ artwork. Awesome. You must check it out before you die.

Handicapped Super Heroes and a Super Villain

Daredevil

Daredevil is a blind superhero with extraordinary heightened senses like super hearing. His name is Matt Murdock. As a kid some truck containing toxic waste crashed into him and caused him to lose his sight. But he gained this radar vision. And possibly cancer. Why would there be a truck carrying toxic waste anyway? His father was a boxer who taught him to never give up. Dad refused to throw a fight and got killed by mobsters.

Daredevil’s secret identity is a blind lawyer that lives in New York. If he can’t clean the streets of New York as Daredevil than he can throw away the scum in court as Murdock. He also handles divorces too because that’s where the money is. I never know if superheroes get some sort of salary. Anyway I personally feel that New York has too many superheroes. Like Spiderman. Hey Daredevil why not try New Jersey. They already have the hockey team the New Jersey Devils.

Being blind must suck balls. On the plus side he must have super taste and super touch. Imagine how good a Big Mac would be for him. And I’m sure getting poontang would feel even better. However he can’t really see how hot a woman would be. For all he knows this chick he’s banging could be some swamp hag. And I don’t think he can watch television or play Call of Duty. What else could he do instead? Read a book by feeling dots? 

Super hearing would be a mixed basket. He must play a badass guitar but overhearing everything would be really annoying. Imagine he’s on the bus and he can hear some idiot listening to Nickelback. There’s nothing he can do to stop it. That’s why he sleeps in a coffin. Or what if the same bus runs over a skunk. That would smell.

What I don’t get is who makes his suit? He can’t really buy one at Zellers. He must have someone make it for him. For all he knows he can be wearing pink tights with bunny ears. His weapon of choice is one of those blind person poles which he can use to use as a gravelling hook. And as his name implies, he is a daredevil and can pull off all of these acrobatic feats. I think he needs a seeing eye dog too. His dog would be called Daredog.

Professor Charles Francis Xavier

Xavier is the professor at Mutant Academy. Also his name gives you 28 points in Scrabble. The school is for special students and the Prof teaches them to control their powers. I’m talking about mutants with super powers and not mentally challenged retards. I applied myself but I didn’t get in because drinking twenty Redbulls and not having a heart attack isn’t a power. I mean I tried every kind of radioactive substance there is and nothing.

Charles is a busy man and I think Beast takes over the class when he’s needed. And Jubilee is the T.A. because she’s completely useless except on Independence Day. So Xavier leads the team the X-Men. He is wheelchair bound and bald. That’s sucks. He does have a kick ass wheelchair. But I think it’s made of some metal and doesn’t look comfortable. Hey get some cushions, a cup holder and maybe a flag.

He has a slew of psychic powers which can be awesome or shitty depending on the situation. For one thing you can hear what people are thinking. But that might be an overload of information. The problem is maybe you don’t want to know. “Who is this creep? He’s ugly and bald. But he has a wicked metal wheel chair with a flag.” And he works at mutant and human relations. By mutant I mean people with powers and not that really ugly girl in high school.

The Blob

Fred Dukes is called the Blob because he has a slight weight problem. I guess being super overweight is a disability. In the beginning he traveled in a freak show. But due to the overweight pandemic, being grossly overweight isn’t really something to gawk at now. I’ve seen fat people that have no more room on their body to store any more fat. Even their ears and toes are fat.

Then there are the super heavyweight fat people that don’t leave their bedside. At what point in life do you say fuck it, I rather go on an eating rampage than live a normal life. And wear adult diapers. “Grrr, bring me more pizza pockets and some butter. And I need my diaper changed.”

While I’m on the subject there is this older website called “Fat Chicks in Party Hats.” Some people think it’s stupid, some people think it’s hilarious. This Mexican kid, who can’t spell, makes fun of pictures of fat people. It’s not that nice picking on them but still very funny. Check out the hate mail.

Anyway the Blog has tried Atkins diet and nothing. Even Richard Simmons called him fatty. And they don’t carry XXXXXXXXXL clothes. He has to get his suit tailored made from a parachute with stretchable elastics. It’s not like he has a secret identity. On airplanes he takes up a whole roll or the cargo space if they can even fly with his weight. In fact he can’t really fit in any vehicle. Which sucks because how else will he get around being too fat to walk?

The Blob has switched sides a couple of times and is now a villain. His fat body is imperious to attacks, such as bullets.  Even against Wolverine’s claws. He has super strength and durability and is virtually unmovable. He can eat his way out of any situation. And he likes sitting on people. But he hasn’t seen his penis in years.

Jurassic Park the Lost World

As a kid I loved dinosaurs. At the “Bookmobile” I always picked the dinosaur books with pictures and hardly any words. So okay I loved Jurassic Park. It was a cool story and had some great special effects. It was the closet to ever seeing a real dinosaur. And I love Newman. I wonder where he is now?

But I already made a blog about Jurassic Park a while ago. I watched the movie a couple of times over and I never understood why everyone leaves on a boat when the inspectors are visiting. I mean the success of the park is riding on these critics and nobody is there. I don’t even think they had a test run of the park. And where were the chefs that cooked the meals? I mean they’re going to be there a while. Are they going to use the microwave and make some Kraft dinner?

But I didn’t like the Lost World as much. The movie begins four years later in another dinosaur island. It stars Goldblum, Vince Vaughn, some bald guy and the cokehead redhead hoar from Boggie Nights. Great movie by the way.  And I’m not being sarcastic. It’s a kick ass movie about porn set in the late 70s and early 80s. But there isn’t really any porn; which is good.

In the first Jurassic Park Goldblum is a loveable chaotician. Not a mathematician. He’s a bit kooky and says he has a lot of ex wives but wasn’t seeing anyone. He did try to hit on Dr. Sattler. So than how long were he and Redhead seeing each other? Were they dating before or after the incident? Personally I think she’s a bitch that is using him for a chance to see some dinosaurs.

Then there is his nosey daughter Vanessa. Since she’s black I assume he adopted her. Again how did he get custody off her? After the incident everyone thinks he’s crazy and I don’t think the adoption agency would allow him to adopt her. He actually said something like he didn’t leave her and split to Paris. That’s real nice. I’d like to go back to that part to quote it but its on VHS and is a bitch to rewind and pause.

The movie begins with these rich British people on some island. There are the parents, their daughter and like twenty servants. What exactly do all of them do anyway? It would be cool though having people wait on you hand and foot. “Geoffrey may you get me some Big Macs, some Triscuit crackers, a 3DS and some Jagermeister.” I would never ever call my son Geoffrey because they would just have to be a butler.

But I’m way off track here. The dad lets the little girl wonder off. She feeds some CGI dinosaurs, that aren’t there, some meat and then screams as they are about to eat her. They all run after her and mother gives a fantastic scream. I think she’s typecast as the woman who screams in the Lost World. Don’t worry the little girl is fine.

Its funny, way back in elementary school we were recording this audio tape. At one point this girl has to scream. So she does a shitty scream and I say loudly “what was that?” Then we played the tape back, she screams and then you hear me “what was that?” We played it a couple of times. Its was much funnier if you were there.

So Goldblum is screwed. He signed a waver of disclosure (is that the right word?) about what happened and he ends up looking crazy. He ends up going back to see Gramps. You see the grand kids for two seconds. I bet they got paid a hundred dollars and some fruit rollups just to say hello and to hug him and then disappear. Gramps is fucked, but he tells Gold about another dinosaur island that he wants him and some professionals to survey.

Gramps tells him that he prepared a team with Vince Vaughn, bald guy and finally his woman Redhead. Redhead is already there and Gold wants to rescue her. We meet up with his adopted daughter Vanessa who wants to come with. She doesn’t take too kindly of Redhead because she doesn’t have Sega. Hey look its 1997 and everyone has Nintendo 64s or Playstations. Look bitch, who the fuck is going to play a Sega?

So they arrive at the Lost World. They bring some serious technology and equipment but they couldn’t get a damn cell phone that works. The island stretches for miles but they just so happen to find Redhead in like ten minuets. How convenient.  Sure she has worked with dangerous animals but look bitch these are fucking dinosaurs.

She pets some baby stegosaurus and then scares it with the camera and is almost killed by the other bigger stegosauri. And once it’s over with she doesn’t give a shit that she was almost killed. And they find Vanessa starting a fire because she’s an idiot and wanted to come along. “Look bitch I told you not to come.”

So the gang sees a shitload of helicopters of a competing corporation. I’m assuming an evil corporation. Peter Ludlow is the evil boss and nephew to Gramps. He’s the CEO of this new evil corporation here to capture all of these dinosaurs so he can create his own Jurassic Park in the U.S. His team is led by this hunter guy.

My favorite part is where these poachers are on the trail and are catching dinosaurs. And my favorite character is the long orange hair cowboy who knows everything about dinosaurs. So the evil corporation setup evil camp and safely store the dinosaurs in cages. And the gang looks pissed for whatever reason.

I don’t know what the gang’s agenda is? Gold doesn’t give a shit about some dinosaurs. He’s there to bring his woman home. Baldy and Vince are just there to get some good footage. So I guess it’s the bitch who thought of freeing the dinosaurs.

Now this is the part that pisses me off. What was the point of releasing these dinosaurs? These are people here just to capture the dinosaurs for people to see and enjoy. They aren’t evil. So bitch decides to open all of the fucking cages. It’s the equivalent of releasing lions and tigers in a zoo. The dinosaurs run amuck. Now the corporation’s equipment is fucked and they are all fucked too.

Redhead genius decides to rescue a baby tyrannosaurus and bring it back on their convoy. Am I missing something here? Then the baby T-Rex’s parents are pissed.off and want their baby back. Haha baby back, baby back, I want my baby back, Chili’s, baby back ribs. And the Rexs push the vehicle over the cliff.

This is what bugs me about sequels. They decide that one part in the original movie was good, so hey lets do it again only slightly different. In the first Jurassic Park the T-Rex pushes the truck over a cliff. This time two rexes push the vehicle over a cliff. Hmm.

So baldy decides to be a hero and saves the others. And then he’s like “shit these rexes are going eat me because nobody likes me… sob” And he gets ripped apart. Whatever happened to the Mr. and Mrs. Rex after his daring rescue. And where is the baby rex in all of this?

And two seconds later the bad guys appear and both teams join forces to get the fuck out of the place. This guy dickface killed some little dinosaurs earlier and because of this, he must die. He decides to take a piss and tells Mexican guy he’s going to the men’s room. Well Mexican guy was listening to music, probably Enrique Iglesias and doesn’t hear him. He wanders around when he could easily take a piss behind any tree. Nobody is watching. He gets lost and gets killed by the very dinos he killed earlier. That’s karma.

So they setup camp and BAM, there is the male rex that I will now call Rex. Only Gold knows not to move because rexes only see movement. Nobody else seems to know that, even long orange hair cowboy. And cowboy loses his cowboy hat. Hey, if I was among like twenty people getting chased by a fucking T-Rex I’d run into the forest and hide. And not run down the convenient path getting picked one by one. Mexican guy doesn’t think of this and ends up getting squished. Arriba!

Earlier in the movie we are introduced to this hunter guy who only wants to hunt a male adult T-Rex. Don’t get me wrong, the T-Rex is the ultimate predator but what is he going to do with it? Sell it to the highest bidder or donate it to a museum? Or is he going to put it on his front lawn? So finally here’s his chance and woops he’s out of ammo. And even the guys who do have guns don’t seem to know how to use them?

So a bunch of people are cornered in a cave just inches away from Rex. Well idiot has a snake crawling around his neck and decides that getting bitten by a snake is worse than getting eaten alive by a dinosaur. So he steps out of the cave and Rex eats him. That’s gotta bite. Haha I’m hilarious. Haha.

“So hey we are being chased by Rex let’s run down this tall grass even though we should know that raptors lurk there and hey lets get picked off one by one.” I don’t know about you but I rather take my chances with Rex. And why do black people go to these dinosaur parks when they know they’re going to get killed. I don’t even know if there were any black people that did survive. So there is a close up of token black guy screaming as he’s about to get eaten by a raptor.

The movie follows the gang as they are attacked by raptors, narrowly escape and finally are airlifted. We find out that Vince stole hunter guy’s bullets. Had hunter guy had his ammo none of this shit would have happened. In fact none of this would happen if they didn’t free the damn dinosaurs in the first place. I am very happy though that the hunter survived because he’s cool and seems to be the only one who has remorse or any feelings about all of this shit that went down.

The gang then land in San Diego and Redhead lets her hair down. And in few moments the ship carrying Rex crashes into the port with everyone aboard dead. How did Rex get in those tight spots to eat everyone is beyond me because the baby had his mouth tied shut.  I think the dinosaur islands are in Nublar or Costa Rica or wherever. I’m no geologist but how did the ship get to the States when everyone aboard is dead and therefore could end up anywhere. But the ship happens to land in the exact right location.

Idiot opens the Rex’s cage and oh shit Rex is going on a killing spree. Rex decides to look for his baby in the suburbs. It’s kind of like Godzilla only Rex doesn’t fight Mothra or Ghidorah. They actually show three Chinese men running away. Too bad one of them didn’t say “look, its Godzilla!”

So Rex is going on a rampage and killing civilians all thanks to Redhead. One scene shows little Timmy seeing Rex and telling his parents. Normally I’d piss my pants and my dad would call me an idiot. So the parents also see Rex as he eats his dog. “Don’t worry Timmy we’ll get a new one. Maybe a golden retriever. And some new underwear.”

And finally you guess it, the evil douche Peter Ludlow gets brutally killed in the end. That’s too bad. Well they decide to send the Rexes back to the island. Am I missing something here? I have no clue how they are going to do it. But like the end of the Goonies it doesn’t matter where the ship goes. Finally you see the dinosaurs living it up in the now preservation island. And you see a pterodactyl that could fly anywhere. And then they made Jurassic Park III with Dr. Grant, his bitch and William H. Macy. I tried to watch it three times but I kept falling asleep.

Dumbass

I’m the Smartest Person in the World!

I’m not the sharpest porcupine in the forest. But I really don’t give a shit. As of now, what and when would I ever have to think or be intelligent? Seriously. Maybe when I play Zelda? And I even use the internet when I get stuck. And I get stuck a lot.

Ignorance is bliss. I know people way smarter than me working at McDonalds. Sure they can spit on my Big Mac or make fun of customers behind their back, but everyday all they do is flip burgers and take orders. I mean would you be proud to be employee of the month?

A side note. I even saw this huge and short beast working at the fries. I’m trying not to pick on overweight people. I understand you are surrounded by food all day but for Jesus’ sake there are better things in life than eating and not moving around.

Back in the day I was one of the smarter students. I was good at math, science and computers. But I was never good at English and French. Now I can hardly count chips at poker. And I used to be great at computers and writing scripts.  I was loved making HyperCard stacks and games. But I lost all ability and can’t even make the simplest of websites.

But I think everyone is good at least something. Even if you are good at being a total loser. I’m pretty decent at psychology and philosophy, but I think my strongest trait is being creative. I always had the best speeches, Halloween costumes, school projects and videos.

Part of my humor is presentation and how I deliver it. It’s not what I say but how I say it. That’s the problem with the internet you can get the wrong impression or you can’t tell if someone is joking or being sarcastic. Kind of how I love the Snow Dogs movie.

I was awesome at stone face back at elementary school. That’s where you try to make the other person laugh. One thing I did was lifting my shirt and rubbing my nipple. It worked half the time, every time. And when it was their turn to make me laugh I would think of my dead hamster or Cher naked.

My friends rip on me all of the time. But they know me and they know my tics. And it’s okay because they’re my pals. Still I do have feelings. But I’m a very easy going person. However if someone else is tried to insult me I might get upset. For example I just smoked a big joint with the guys at poker and then I sat at the wrong table and I couldn’t count my chips.

There was this one dildo kept calling me princess for some reason. Well douche bag is thinking hey this is perfect opportunity to make fun of me. So he made this hilarious comment that “when people get older their ears get bigger”. Oh no I have big ears. I’m going to go cry myself to sleep. By the way I’m being sarcastic. But he had a big nose.  So I came back with “I also heard when people get older, such as yourself, their nose gets bigger.” Zing. That shut him up.

It’s one thing to make fun of what I just said. For example at soccer I saw some these people taking pictures and I said “oh cool are they taking photos for the Sarnia Observer.” And my teammate said “no it’s the Toronto Star.” Fair enough.

But when you fuck up at making fun of someone, you’re the idiot. At hockey I said some stupid things just trying to make conversation. I kept forgetting people’s names and stuff. So Kevin the conveyer caught wind of this and tried way too hard to poke fun at me.

For example they were preparing the other rink for Seinfeld’s upcoming standup. By the way I wish I got tickets because I love Seinfeld. The zamboni happened to be late and I asked Kevin where it is. And he says something like “oh its not done until they zamboni the rink for Seinfeld.” And I said in a certain sarcastic tone “oh really” as in “ya right.”

Well he didn’t understand sarcasm and was laughing and he said he was only joking. And he thinks I’m the idiot.  So another time I asked where the pucks are and he says that he forgot them and we are using roller hockey balls instead. I finally I just said “Kevin what the FUCK are you talking about?!”

Back at UWO I was taking math and I was chatting with this American student. First off he was completely racist. Somehow our conversation got to religion and atheism. His point was that Thomas Edison is one of histories smartest people and he was Christian. I argued that just because someone is a genius doesn’t mean that he is intelligent or good at absolutely everything. For example I would love to go head to head with Stephan Hawking about religion, philosophy and life.

Anyway I’m very proud of my blogpage. I’m happy that my page has over 5000 pageviews from all over the world and people think I’m funny. It feels good. It’s something productive to do than just watching T.V. all day. I think I’m natural at making fun of things when given the opportunity. I’m not quick at comebacks unless I have time to think it over. “Ya the stupid doorknob store called and they’re running out of you. You stupid dumb jerk.”

Jerry, Jerry Springer

Talk Shows

I think most people would want to be on T.V. I wouldn’t because I have extreme stage fright and I wouldn’t want to embarrass myself. But many people are so desperate that they would do anything to get on T.V. and have their fifteen minutes. So some resort to talk shows.

I don’t know why you want would solve your problems on national T.V. Take Dr. Phil, who isn’t even a real doctor. Most of their problems are obvious. And some are not. But he tries to assess and solve their problems in a half hour show. Come on Phil, you know it’s not that easy. You can’t change someone with a just little sound advice. “Thankyou Phil, you opened my eyes and I’m a new man!” And why is Phil in one of those stupid Scary Movie movies?

Jerry Springer

I remember way back when a new show called Jerry Springer first came on air and it was hilarious. Springer is Jewish and one of my favorite early episodes is when he had the K.K.K. on the show. Springer almost lost it on them. The show was different and it caught on. Especially to the red neck crowd.

Soon the people on the show would fight each other and the whole audience chant “Jerry, Jerry.” It was funny at first but I found it got old with all of these white trash idiots fighting all of the time for no reason. It became expected that people would fight. I have never seen one episode where they didn’t fight.

I realize all of that fighting is real and probably hurts but I think a lot of it is choreographed. I think guest are chosen to be on the show based on how crazy they are. For one thing nobody notices that many guests were already on the show numerous times. Then there are the flashers. I love seeing boobs and all, but these flashers are usually fat and ugly. “No lady, please, just please put on some clothes you look like Jabba the Hut.”

By now the only part I enjoy is when the audience pretty much rip on whoever is on the show. It’s so easy and I love when people on the show get pissed off. And how can he keep making his whole reflection thing at the end. There are only so many times he can write something new about someone fucking his mother in law with a hooker and some sausages in a someone’s else’s trailer while the guy is at work at Wendy’s.

Jenny Jones

I’ll admit I didn’t mind Jenny Jones while she was on the air. She is Canadian and a former comedian. She really liked the whole makeover shows. Sometimes they don’t have much to work with and some are still just as ugly. It’s like having Rosie Odonnell on the show. There is nothing you can do except put a paper bag over her face. But the audience would clap nonetheless.

My favorite episodes are the “is this a man or a woman.” So these gendered challenged guests would strut their stuff and you had to guess what sex they are. The funny part is when they think the woman is a man and they’re wrong. “Haha I’m actually a woman. Haha.”

Soon they had a flood of “who is the father?” These women are hores. It’s pretty bad when you don’t know who got you pregnant. They have to have been fooling around with different men in a short period of time without any protection.

The problem is that people can’t afford to pay for a paternity tests and therefore end up on the show. I love when the guy finds out he isn’t the father and he is like the happiest man in the world. “Yeah bitch I aint your daddy.” And the real fathers are like: shit! I guess they have to do to the process of elimination with other men she fucked.

One controversial episode is when this guy on the show, Jonathan, had a secret admirer. He assumed she was a woman. No it was this major homo Scott that he knew. And Scott proclaimed his love for him on the show. Then Jonathan killed Scott three days later. That’s just a bit excessive.

But for all of you gay people please stop hitting on straight men. I thought you had a gay code like wearing pink shirts, one earring and cutoff jeans. I’ve have been hit on before and I didn’t know why. It was very awkward, annoying and disturbing. Don’t they have a homo radar? So look gay people go on some gay dating hotline or hit the gay bars. I think they are the ones with fluoresce lights, music like YMCA and Lady Gaga and names like the Cock Express or I Suck Dick.

Maury

Maury is an alright talk show but I’m not sure if it is on T.V. anymore. Most of his shows ran the same theme from “out of control teenager,” “who is the father” and “I have a secret to tell you.”

Imagine you’re on the show about your wife having a secret and you’re wondering what kind of secrets your wife has to reveal. “Hmm, my wife wants to reveal something and she can only do it on a television show. I hope it’s good. Maybe she is a spy, a millionaire or even an alien.” No she’s a transvestite. “Hmm, what wonderful news.”

I love the polygraph tests, which is a lie detector. I’m not sure how accurate they are and I know they won’t hold up in court. I always wanted to do one and see if I can beat it. It would be funny if I’m asked “are you Satan?” And I find out I am.

But the best ones are the ones with slutty teenage girls that want to get knocked up. For example one 14 year old wanted to get pregnant. I laughed my ass off since the girl had already two STDs. Another troll was so fugly that she had to meet men on the internet.  And other guest would pull the whole “it’s my body I’ll do what I want.” Yes it’s your body but I just don’t like looking at it.

Noah’s Arc

Noah’s Really, Really Big Boat

I’m pretty drunk right now and I decided to make fun of religion. Again. I already made fun of the Ten Commandments, church, prayers, Genesis, Heaven and Hell. But my favorite make-believe story is Noah’s Arc. I mean come on, it never happened. If you do believe in it you’re either crazy or just plain stupid. So here is my take on Noah’s arc.

For those who don’t know, a long time ago God was pissed off with all of these evil people he created and decided the best course of action is to flood the world killing all animals. Except fish of course. I’m no biologist but wouldn’t such a flood also kill all plant life? There is no way a tree could survive such a long time submerged in water. And what about birds, they can’t just fly around forever.

But Noah was cool and the man upstairs told him to construct an arc, gather two of each animal and float there until the flood was over. And once it’s all said and done God promised he would never flood the world again. Yeah! But he can always send a meteor headed straight for Earth.

So Noah would have to go around the world to capture two of every animal. That would be a bitch figuring which is the male and which is the female. I mean he must spend a lot of time just looking for the tiny dick of a porcupine.

I’m no geologist but how does he get around the world and cross the ocean. He would have to go as far as Antarctica to capture a cute little penguin couple.  He would also have to capture dangerous creatures like lions, crocodiles and me. Haha nice try.

But here is the funny part, once captured, let’s say some skunks in North America, how does he transport all of those animals across the ocean and back home? Hmm. Let’s see, he would have to build another arc to just to cross there and back. Rendering the first arc useless. It was never called Noah’s arcs.

There is no way Noah could get enough lumbar to build a ship. A ship large enough to fit thousands upon thousands of animals. He would have to contain them so the tigers don’t eat the cute little bunny rabbits. Then he would have to feed every animal its own diet and clean piles of shit. Noah must have lost a lot of animals. Like the drizzard or the T-Rex.

So God floods the entire world and all of those who didn’t believe in him die. Including little Timmy. I think it’s just a little cruel to drown people; even evil people. If some guy down the street made this arc or space rocket and warned us about a flood or some disaster I would think he is crazy. Unless of course you live in New Orleans. Why doesn’t God just release some chemical agent formulized to killing only evil people. Like in the movie Twelve Monkeys. Awesome movie.

The Ultimate Burger King Fight

I think everybody hates getting upset. Well almost everybody. There are the few who get an adrenaline rush from getting into arguments or even fist fights. But I rather feel sad over being pissed off. For example if I had a dog and he dies I would feel sad. If somebody hits my dog with their car I would get angry.

The funny thing about crying is that it starts to feel good. And then you think about other sad shit to keep it going. But being mad doesn’t accomplish much. I would have to hit the guy with my car to feel any better. Or at least sue him.

I used to be a bit of a spaz in school. I would get worked up over the littlest things. For example I wanted to play soccer and the kids would just grab the ball with their hands and throw it. I would be like come on guys you’re ruining the game! Or I would bring my football to school and the guys would do the whole keep the ball away from Greg. I was pissed off; I just wanted to play some football.

Another time I was camping with the guys and was in a really, really grumpy mood and didn’t have any beer. My friend brought his camera. He let other people use his camera except me and I didn’t know why. So I wasn’t having any fun and I got my parents to pick me up without telling the guys I was going home. In retrospect it’s pretty funny because my friends had no clue where I was and thought I was lost. Or even dead.

I now consider myself very laid back. There are a few things that piss me off; like the latest Indiana Jones movie, spilling pop all over my keyboard or the closing of KFC in Sarnia. Where the fuck I am going to get their world famous original recipe chicken now? I might have to do a border run..

So ya I’ll admit I cried or blew up many of times in elementary school. Very embarrassing. I remember going to the principal’s office many of times. We both hated each other. I thought he was a fag. By the way any Hogan friends please don’t mention any awkward moments. I will delete them. It’s funny though I have never seen my friend Stics cry or at least feel sad. In fact I think he is a robot incapable of any emotion.

Anyway the whole point of this blog is that a few days ago I witnessed the funniest break-up fight in Burger King. There I was getting the burger of the day and sat down. It was a whopper. Mmm. Across the room was this older couple just yelling at each other. The whole joint could hear them bickering. At one point he called her a hoar and I almost laughed out loud. And I look at the guys a couple tables down and they were giggling too. Even the Burger King employees started smiling.

This was going on for a while and was escalating. The manager wasn’t too impressed and looked like she was about to kick them out. I ordered some more mozza sticks because I wanted to see how this pans out. So the lady was crying her eyes out now and finally told him to fuck off. He said fine leave bitch! So she storms out into the freezing cold and he just sat there and finished his fries.  Priceless. Oh my God I wish I had a cell phone so I could put this on Youtube.