Channel Surfer

I am defiantly a couch smashed potato. I have been born and raised on TV. When other kids were playing outside with kites or devil sticks, I was watching the Gummi Bears or Perfect Strangers. Even while I’m doing something else I have to have the TV on too. It keeps me company on those cold Canadian nights.

I’m also defiantly a fast channel changer. While mom takes her sweet time looking at each channel, I’m flipping like crazy. “Shit, shit, shit, oh Coach. Yeah! Coach!” In fact each season I have a routine. For example in grade ten, there was Drew Carrey at 6:00, News Radio at 6:30 and an hour of Simpsons, Murder She Wrote at 8:00. You get the point.

What they really need to do is have a rerun station of only good shows. And I mean good shows. Like Simpsons, Seinfeld, South Park, Golden Girls... You get the idea. It would be a channel when there is nothing else on but you have nothing better to do. I’d call it “GTV.”

I have always watched UPN, Fox, Global or whatever. But now I have all of my favorite sitcoms or series such as the Big Bang Theory and Three Men on DVD. So I watch a lot of A&E and the History channel. Too bad I don’t have HBO or satellite. So here are a few popular cable TV channels.

TLC

I believe TLC stands for “Tender Loving Care?” Or does it mean “The Learning Channel?”

But as of lately this channel as nothing to do with learning. For instance; everybody knows about the stupid show Honey Boo Boo Child. I don’t know what you can learn from this show other than how shitty the life of redneck is and how creepy child beauty pageants are.

Some of their educational shows include Hoarders, Sara Palin’s Alaska, Kids by the Dozen, I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, Extreme Cheapskates, Cash Cab and BBQ Pitmasters. “Wow, I learned so much. It’s better than reading a book or attending university.”

I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant seems to stand out. Um, have you ever heard of a pregnancy test? In fact how can you be on the show if you don’t know if you don’t know you’re pregnant? I mean do you call the station and say I threw up, I might be pregnant. Or it might be the Taco Bell. And how many shows can you get from one knocked up slut? Two, Three?

The Shopping Channel

The Shopping Channel is for people too lazy to actually get off the couch and do some real shopping. However my mom watches it all of the time and finds items that you can’t buy in stores. Like all of my mom’s beauty products and shoes. Because women can never have enough shoes.

I love how they market the product. For example they might try to sell some hair shavers. “Here are some top of the line hair shavers that come with eight lengths for a low, low price.” “And we will give you another hair shaver with four more lengths for free!” “But wait! We will include wax for those unsightly mustaches.” “And if you call within twenty minutes, we will give you nose tweezers for free!” “So you get two hair shavers with twelve lengths, mustache wax and nose tweezers and free delivery!”

I mean what happens if all you want is a damn shaver without the mustache wax?

Much Music

Do you remember when Much Music or MTV actually played music videos? Every time when there is nothing else on television I want to watch some music videos. But every time there is some shitty vampire show or shitty reality show aimed at young teenage girls.

They might as well make a whole other channel for these stupid girls where they can watch as many videos of Justin Bieber as they desire. Dreaming that one day he’s going to whisk them off their feet and live in his mansion happily ever after.

I admit that I do enjoy watching Cribs. It reminds me of Life Styles of the Rich and Famous. Only not for old people. Too bad they show the same damn cribs all of the time. Many are white people I have never heard of like skiers or some fat comedian.

Then they have rappers. I’m trying not to be racist, but they’re idiots. They come from nothing and they release some hits about coming from nothing. They make a quick fortune and they have to spend it all right away as if the gravy train won’t stop. Choo-choo!

I saw one idiot with a huge fucking house and five cars. He even showed his bling bling. One was a giant J necklace made out of gold and diamonds. What the fuck is he going to do with this $70,000 necklace. I guarantee he will go broke in three years and get a maybe a tenth of what paid for that awesome necklace. And who knows what will happen to this sad soul.

Sure I can’t get enough of up beat songs like “Capital Cites: Safe and Sound.” But if I see another Miley Cyrus video like “Adore You” I’m going to smash my TV. She would be way hotter if she actually had a normal haircut instead of her dyke do.

So play some grunge rock, play some punk, play some metal, play some hip-hop, play some classic rock, play anything. Except for boy bands. And except country.

CNN

I don’t really read the newspaper. I normally get my news from Yahoo when I’m online searching for stuff. Or I read People when I’m waiting in the E.R. to get a kidney stone removed.

But if I want to hear more about the Toronto mayor admitting to smoking crack, pushing an old lady over or telling the press he has more than enough pussy to eat at home I’m going to watch CNN. And he plans to run for mayor again. Mmm, I don’t think that’s going to happen.

However I don’t give a shit about more Muslims and extremist blowing themselves up or protesting and shit. You know why? It happens every fucking day. And its never going to stop because they are all nuts. So I don’t need around the clock coverage of these crazy fucks.

It’s funny though, I remember watching CNN and the anchorman is in the middle of doing legitimate news when he was interrupted for breaking coverage of Brittney Spears being chased by the paparazzi. I swear to God. He was pissed off and said something like that’s not real news and that they can wait to the end of the news hour.

The Francis Channel

Because Canada is bilingual we have the French channel. Boourns. Only there are really no French shows. They are all English speaking shows with subtext or French audio. And our video games have two manuals for the frogs even though the game is only in English.

I remember when I watched the South Park movie they had it in French too. Only they didn’t even get close to sounding like the characters should sound like. The guy who did Cartman tried way too fucking hard to sound funny.

And I remember being totally baked at this party. They were listening to rap music while I was watching South Park with the mute on and it looked like every character was rapping. It was hilarious. Try it for yourself.

BET

The Black Entertainment is a channel is for black people. I think there should be other TV channels for other dominations. Like IEN; the Bollywood Channel. JET; Japanese Entertainment Channel. LET, the Latino Channel or WET the White Entertainment Channel. Hmm, wait scratch that last one.

I remember buying an Ecko hoody and a FUBU shirt. Only I didn’t realize that they are meant for black people and that FUBU stands for For You Buy You. I just liked the rhino. What bugs me is when people wear those white shirts meant for Shaq. Or they don’t bend their rim of their hat and leave the stupid sticker on.

Some of my favorite shows are of black families. The Cosby show is the iconic sitcom. Then he had that show kids say the damn funny things, even though it seemed pretty scripted. You never hear a kid utter swear words or call him a jigger. And then he promoted Jell-O. I don’t take the advice of a TV dad on desert that there is always room for.

I really liked Family Matters as a kid. And by kid, I mean teenager. But I already wrote a blog about Urkel. What I don’t get is didn’t anyone in the show notice that Judy magically disappeared? “Dad, didn’t I have I younger sister?” “I told you never to speak of that family matter!” And I didn’t know why Aunt Rachael had to leave and abandon her young child?

One of my all-time favorite shows is the Fresh Prince. I love all of the characters, but I love Carlton the most. Then there were shows I didn’t understand at the time. Like it’s a Different World. And now every black comedian has their own shitty show.

The Feminist Channel

Then there is the Women’s Network. I never really sat down and watch it because it sounds gay and boring. Kind of like how every female standup comic has to joke about women issues. Like periods or how men are idiots. Then they show women empowering movies like “a League of Their Own” the “Joy Lucky Club” or “Selma and Louise.”

Comedy Central

Finally the Comedy Central is my number one channel. They have all of my favorite shows like South Park, Workaholics, Tosh.O, Daily Show and the Colbert Report. Just to let you know. But sorry, I got to go, Mamma’s Family is on.

Winter Olympics

So the Winter Olympics is well underway. Obviously the colder and wealthier nations will win more medals. That means Canada should kick some ass! This time the Olympics are held in Mother Russia. And because everyone is afraid of terrorist it’s going to cost them a bunch. I think any hosting nation will lose billions. But now they have all of these bobsled slides.

The opening ceremony was really cool. Again it must have cost millions. It’s kind of funny; you see like a hundred Americans wearing these expensive Nike uniforms. And then you have two athletes wearing track pants from a country I never heard of.

But I’m not the biggest Winter Olympics fan. I find the Summer Olympics way cooler to watch. They have more events and sports for a wider audience. As you know the Olympics began in Ancient Greece. They had events that made sense such as the fastest person. Too bad they had naked wrestling.

It reminds me of Canadian sprinter Ben Johnson. He won the gold in 100 meter dash and broke the record in the 87 Olympics. Then his urine tested positive for steroids and he lost his records. That’s why they should have the Steroid Olympics where you can use as much drugs you want. That way the winner of the sprint is the fasted guy on Earth; on dope.

What I don’t get is do they strip him of his medal and then give it to the second place winner? And then does he gives his silver to the next guy and then the forth guy gets the bronze? I wonder if the medals are actually gold, silver and bronze?

I find there are two kinds of events. There are the fun ones, such as curling and snow boarding. I love watching the half pipe where these guys execute sweet moves. I found snowboarders were disappointed not to place. But losing is not going to eat at them the rest of their life.

Then there are the figure skaters. Figure skating is a fan favorite. My mom loves watching them. I feel really bad for these athletes that lose. Do you know how much pressure is riding on them? They spent the best years of their lives training everyday and then they fall doing a quintuplet axel. Their dreams are crushed and now all the can do is skate in Disney on Ice as Jasmine or shoot themselves.

It reminds me of Tonya Harding. She became a huge whiner. For example she once delayed her performance, said her skate lace was untied and actually asked to do her jump over again. Then she hired some goon to hit her rival Nancy Kerrigan in the leg. And she still lost. What a bitch.

As for curling I bet they enjoy playing. And they don’t really care as much as a figure skater would if they lose. They don’t have to train really. Maybe they practice sweeping the floor with a swifter or play shuffle board.

It reminds me of a really awful Canadian movie “Men with Brooms” I don’t know why Leslie Nielsen is in it. Maybe his career was over and he needed some cash. I guess the funny parts are when they guy slips on ice and Nielsen is on shrooms. The second part of the movie became a shitty chick flick. It should have never been made.

I mean does winning the gold mean that much? I understand Russians and Chinese are pressured to win for glory for the Motherland. But what do you do with a gold medal anyway? Do you wear it around your neck everywhere you go? Or do you put it on the mantel above the fire place and show everyone the bronze medal you won the skeleton? “You see that, I’m the third fastest person on the skeleton.” “Whats the skeleton?”

I don’t know why there is bobsledding, luge and skeleton. It looks fucking dangerous. I remember years ago some guy lost control and wiped out and died. They even replay the video over and over again. That disgusts me. I don’t think man was meant to slide down a track as fast as he can. Besides going to the water park.

It reminds me of Cool Runnings where John Candy teaches some Jamaican runners to bobsled. But wait. Jamaicans bobsled? There isn’t ice in Jamaican. I haven’t seen it in years. I enjoyed it then, but now if I do watch it; I’m sure it’s stupid. I don’t even remember if they smoked any weed or what?

The biathlon is a funny event. I love how you combine shooting a rifle with skiing down a mountain? It sounds like a James Bond movie. You never see someone climb Mount Everest with an AK47. You might as well combine speed skating with mines or other events with weapons.

I was watching some speed skating where one woman slipped and took out two other skaters. I realize you can’t just redo the race but that’s not fair. It not their fault that someone wiped out and tripped them. How about the skaters that collided could do another race and then match their times?

The only event I will watch is the hockey, eh. It’s too bad that Stamkos was taken out; we could really use him. What I don’t get, is does every player get their own medal? And I wonder how much you can get it at black market.

Russia and the U.S. are going down. Go Canada!

Field of Dreams

Field of Wet Dreams

Pre-Water World disaster Kevin Costner stars in the 1989 hit Field of Dreams. If you don’t already know, Kevin basically makes a baseball field in the middle of his corn field where these old dead baseball playas come to play.

First off, I hate baseball. I love pretty much every sport there is except baseball. I realize baseball is an American pastime but I’m Canadian and hockey is the best sport there is.

Baseball is so boring to play and watch. Unless you’re drunk. Nothing exciting ever happens. “Oh he hit the ball out of the park. Good for him.” “Oh he caught a ball going over fence. Awesome! Let’s see a replay of that shit.” I do love playing soccer baseball though.

So Kevin is going crazy and is hearing voices. The voices I hear are telling me to kill Tom Hanks. I don’t know why but whatever. He hears that “if you build it, he will come.” And then he sees an image of a baseball diamond and the baseball playa Shoeless Joe Jackson. But wait, he’s already dead.

I guess he’s some kind of ghost. By the way I don’t know why people believe in ghosts. I’m a 100% sure there is no such thing. I’m more certain of that then believing in God or that my coke zero actually has 50% less calories.

One of my very first blogs was about ghosts. To keep it short, you have to think scientifically. Pretty much everything is made of molecules. Are ghosts made of molecules too? And why do they always lurk in dark basements and what do they do all day? You’d think they will just come out of the closet. Like John Travolta.

So crazy fucker decides to build a baseball diamond in his corn crop. He even got flood lights so his imaginary friends can play in the dark. Those lights must use a shitload of energy. So I guess he’s a farmer. What I don’t understand, is he the only laborer on his farm? You’d think he’d hire more help or Mexicans.

I remember my first real job as a corn detasseling. First off we had to ride the bus like forty minutes both ways to our corn field. Without being paid. It was the worst fucking job ever. Going back and forth detasseling every last cob and getting slapped in the face by the tall corn stalks. And with hardly any breaks. I still made some real money but I quit after two weeks.

Anyway, all of the neighbors think he’s fucking nuts and that he can’t afford his field of dreams. Months go by and no “if you build it, he will come” That’s what she said. Finally Kevin’s daughter Karen sees Shoeless Joe Jackson. When I was a little child I saw OB1 but nobody believed me. Then Kevin and his woman also see Shoeless.

However Kevin is going bankrupt and his bro in law wants him to sell the farm and forget about this silly baseball obsession. It’s too bad Kevin could have let the neighbors use it instead of ghosts who don’t wear shoes.

Then Shoeless invites the rest of his team; the Chicago Black Socks. They play some mean baseball and when they’re done they disappear into the corn field. And they must go through a shitload of baseballs out there.

Kevin is hearing more voices. This time the voices tell him to “ease his pain.” And he has no fucking clue what that is suppose to mean. At the local school some parents are trying to ban a book by this older author Mann. Kevin’s bitch gets into an argument with some broad and is about to fight her. Meow. But if you see these two women it’s not as hot as it sounds.

I missed some parts because I was playing World of Warcraft at the same time but he finds out the author of the books, Mann; who became a bit of hermit. He always wanted to play baseball for the Brooklyn Dodgers or something. I don’t know.

So Kevin decides to seek out him in Los Angeles. By the way Mann is black; so I thought it was hilarious when Kevin is asking random people if they have seen a tall black man. But Kevin finds him. Mann gets pissed off when Kevin comes over so Kevin takes him hostage pretending his finger in his pocket is a gun.

Again Kevin hears the  voices “to go the distance.” Hey that’s my motto. He finds out about this guy Graham that only played one major league game but never got up to bat. Too bad he’s dead. But Kevin finds his ghosts as an old man who tells him he had rather be a doctor than a playa.

So later Kevin picked him up as a young kid, who wants to play some hardball. With Graham as the 9^th playa they can finally play a real baseball game. And guess what, he hits a home run.

Meanwhile bro in law is pissed off with them pretending to see this makeup ball game. He gets into an argument and they knock Kevin’s daughter off the bleachers. Normally they would call a doctor or do something. But don’t worry Graham becomes a geezer again and pretty much just pats her on the back. Apparently she was chocking on a hotdog.

Then bro in law finally sees all of these ghost ball playas and tells Kevin not to sell the field of dreams. Mann is invited to go with these ghosts and write a novel about them.

And Kevin is reunited with his old man as a younger ball playa. I myself never put on a glove and play catch with my dad. For one thing I throw like a chick. So we kicked the old soccer ball around.

So Kevin’s dad asks if this is Heaven. Hmm. That’s a pretty shitty Heaven playing boring ass baseball for the rest of your afterlife. And the movie ends with all of these cars lined up to see Kevin throwing the ball to himself. I guess it would be kind of funny to guck at this crazy man.

My Top 50 Favorite Rap Songs

50.       Choclair                                               Let’s Ride

49.       Black Rob                                            Like Whoa
48.       Beastie Boys                                       Fight for you Right to Party
47.       D12                                                     Fight Music

46.       Alchemist ft. L.O.X.                             Fuego

45.       Swollen Members                                 Fuel Injected

44.       The Streets                                           Has It Come to This?

43.       NWA                                                   Straight Out Of Compton

42.       Classified                                              Oh Canada

41.       Puff Daddy, Mase                                Mo Money Mo Problems

40.       Master P                                              Hoody Hoo

39.       M.O.P.                                                            Cold as Ice

38.       Eminem                                                Criminal

37.       Puff Daddy Faith Evens                        I’ll Be Missing You

36.       Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Kurupt            Next Episode

35.       Outkast                                                Ms. Jackson

34.       Chamillionaire                                       Ridin’ Dirty

33.       Eminem                                                Drug Ballad.

32.       Beastie Boys                                        Intergalactic

31.       Warren G ft. Nate Dogg                      Regulate

30.       Eminem                                                Hellbound

29.       Nas ft. Puff Daddy                                Hate Me Now

28.       Method Man                                        Judgment Day

27.       2 Pac ft. Dr. Dre                                  California Love

26.       G Unit                                      Narcotics

25.       Run DMC                                            It’s Tricky

24.       Kyane West                                         Power

23.       Ruff Ryders                                          Anthem

22.       Wu Tang Clan                                      Triumph

21.       Choclair                                               Rubbin

20.       DJ Green Lantern                                 2 Gunz UP

19.       Eminem, 50 Cent, and Cashis   You Don’t Know

18.       Notorious B.I.G                                   Hypnotize

17.       Coolio                                                  Gansta Paradise

16.       M.O.P.                                                            Ante Up

15.       The Street                                            Blinded by the Lights

14.       Tu Pac                                                 Changes

13.       Jay Z                                                    It’s a Hard Knock Life    

12.       Pras, Mya, Old Dirty Bastard               Ghetto Superstar

11.      Kanye West                                          Jesus Walks

10.       Dayton Family                          Flint Town

9.         50 Cent                                                In Da Club
8.         Method Man & Redman                      Da Rockwilder
7.         Busta Rhymes                                      Fire It Up
6.         Lil Troy                                               Wanna Be a Baller
5.         NWA                                                   Fuck the Police

4.         Eminem                                                Lose Yourself

3.         Notorious B.I.G.                                  Juicy

2.         Sugarhill Gang                          Rappers Delight

1.         Vanilla Ice                                            Ice Ice Baby

The Amish

Something Amish

You have no idea how dependent we are on electricity. Especially for me. I could not go on without my video games, television or blender. I can’t even stand a power outage for a few hours. Every time it happens I keep forgetting I can’t turn on the lights. And we can’t find the flashlight without the flashlight. I guess it’s a catch 22.

Then there are outages that last for days. I’d go insane. First off you would lose all of your frozen food. Goodbye Klondike bars and McCain pizza pockets. You wouldn’t have any television or Nintendo. And I don’t read by candle light. Haha I guess you would have to entertain your family with stories or Jenga. Now imagine that power outage lasts forever!

That’s the life of an Amish. As you know the Amish are big losers that resist any kind of modern technology.  They shun the use automobiles, phones and electricity. That means no cars. Maybe a beaver wagon. So they use a horse and or carriage.

How annoying would that be not to call a friend or my phone sex operator? If it wasn’t for Cindy I’d be lonely on those cold Saturday nights.  You don’t have any damn cars so you would have to ride a horse to your friend’s place to see if they can play tag or look at Sears’ summer catalogs. “Man, look at her leg.”

Now I’m probably the only person in Canada that doesn’t have a cell phone. But I can still use a pay phone or just use someone else’s. I think I can spend fifty bucks a month on more important things. Like Big Macs. I can’t even text. Those small ass buttons are too small for me even though I have tiny hands. But big feet.

As you know the Amish are majorly religious. I guess they like to serve the Lord by living a simple life. And that means no high school for these kids. Great idea, do you want to raise a barn the rest of your life?

Speaking of kids, the Amish marry only other Amish. I think. That means there is a small gene pool and because of this they have a much higher rate of birth defects and stupid people. Even marrying third or fourth cousins sounds very disturbing.

I don’t know if they pay taxes or what? I mean do they just live off the land? I’m hoping they can still use the mail.  I do like mennonite furniture and fresh produce. And what do they do in the winter?

You can spot Amish men from their long rugged unkempt beard. I guess Gillette mach four is too technological. I just hope the women shave. Otherwise that’s pretty disgusting. They have simple clothes with suspenders and stupid top hats. And the Amish ladies still wear those long plain dresses and those hat thingies they wear. Just like the pilgrims.

I’ve seen them at Wal-Mart but I don’t know how they travelled there. I hope they don’t hog the damn highway with their slow ass carriage. The kids looked like they were in Disney World. I have never seen such happy and excited kids. But its kid of sad that the their highlight of the year is being in Wal-Mart getting a Big Mac and looking at some great non-technological deals.

Our Lady Peace

Our Lady Peace is an awesome Canadian alternative rock band. Here is my top ten favorite OLP songs.

20        Made of steel

19        Heavy Weight

18.       Life

17.       Superman’s Dead

16.       Angels

15.       Innocent

14.       In Repair

13.       4am

12.       Where Are You

11.       Is Anybody Home

10.       Thief

9.         Somewhere Out There

8.         Automatic Flowers

7.         Hope

6.         Clumsy

5.         Superstellite

4.         The Birdman

3.         One Man Army

2.         Naveed

1.         Starseed

Fairy Tales: Part Three

The Ant and Grasshopper

So there is a grasshopper and an ant. I don’t know if there are other bugs but it’s just a story. So the ant is busy preparing for winter. I guess this story doesn’t apply in warmer places like Hawaii where it has summertime weather all year round.

The grasshopper on the other hand is living it up for summer; partying and getting laid. But comes winter and the grasshopper is starving while the ant is chilling with some hot coco.  I hope the ant feels sorry for the grasshopper and makes him his servant.

My problem is these are two extremes. On one hand you have to smell the roses and live for the moment and enjoy summer. But you have to balance and find time to prepare for the future.

It’s the same thing when people get a cash advance because they want to buy liquor even though they waste $20 each time they do it.  Can’t they just stay sober and wait a week? Or do they have to get their booze right away?

The moral of the story is that ants are annoying fuckers when inside. And grasshoppers are loud and obnoxious outside.

The End.

The Pied Piper

I don’t know what a pied piper is? But whatever. So this town has a rat infestation and the mayor is looking for pest control. So this Pied Piper is called for the job and is paid to remove these varmints.

He uses his magical flute, I mean pipe, and the rats follow him in a trance into the lake where they drowned. But the mayor doesn’t owe up and pay up the full amount they agreed upon. Pied is piped and vows revenge.

Years later all of the adults attend church on St. Greg’s Day, or some other dumb festival. And the kids don’t have to go? I’m so jealous. I hated going to church and hearing about the prodigal son over and over again.  Pipe lures all of the children with the same magical pipe and they are never seen again.

Come on, every adult is in church while the kids just play and roam outside without any adult supervision. And doesn’t he seem like a pedophile? If I had my own piper I would get all of the hottest chicks to follow me into a hotel. Put that in your piper and smoke it.

The moral of the story always get Billy the exterminator to do all of your pest control.

The End

Rapunzel

There is a couple who want babies. They wander around some sorceress’s garden and come upon some rapunzel plant. Being pregnant, she craves this plant. She just had to eat it. And she also craved those donuts with sprinkles, popcorn with loads of butter and cheese wiz on celery.

So her husband is caught in her garden stealing the plant and the sorceress had to kill him. I think she overreacted. He pleads for his life and the bitch decides to let him go as long as he gives up his first born child. What a dick. Baby comes along and sorceress wants it. She names her Rapunzel after the plant. Rapunzel grows into a total hotty with very long, long, long blond hair.

It’s funny; my boss at Little Caesars had hair down below her waist. No lying. She obviously dyed her hair blond and you could see her grey roots. But she hated when people asked about her hair.

She was cool though. Everybody assumed I smoke pot, so one day she says we should smoke some marijuana. At first I thought she was joking, so I asked if she was serious. Let’s just say we had a ball.

Being surrounded by pizza it was the best place to get the munchies. Then I got lost on one delivery though and it took me a good half hour to find the place. I still got a tip but I decided to take a breather and call it a night. South Park was on.

So the sorceress kept her on the top floor of a tower with only one window. Not being able to go to the barber she grew her hair right down to the ground. That must have taken a while to grow. And a lot of shampoo. She could definitely donate her to cancer patients. Or transvestites.

Now the sorceress could climb up her hair and feed her. Probably a happy meal. And once again some random prince overhears her singing. He loves her singing and assume she’s hot. So he decides to hit on her. One day while the sorceress is doing some errands and picking up milk, the prince climbs her hair up the tower. And hopes her scalp isn’t ripped off from her head.

He’s caught by the sorceress. And decides that if he can’t see her, he won’t see anything at all. So he jumps into some shit and blinds himself. And he does this all over some chick. That’s not love. That’s creepy. So he wanders around the place not knowing where the fuck he’s going and just so happens to hear Rapunzel again.

She now has twins. But the story doesn’t really mention who got her knocked up. Anyway the blind prince loves her singing and they are reunited. He says she should go on the Voice. They hug and her tear gives back his sight. He leads his Rapunzel and her bastard children into the castle and they lived happily ever after. She finally cuts her hair.

The moral of the story is that she also grew a lot hair on other parts of her body. The rug matched the drapes.

The End

Beauty and the Beast

I love smoking weed and watching Disney Movies. But I have never seen Beauty and or the Beast. It sounds like huge fucking chick flick for little girls. And I’m not going to rent or buy it without feeling ashamed. 

Once I bought a chick flick for my mom and told the guy it was for her birthday. And he says we don’t judge here. It was Catch and Release. I heard good things. Anyway I decided to look up Wiki and read the summary.

But I still know some parts from the Disney movie. Like I know all of the cutlery and inanimate things can talk. I guess they keep the lonely beast company. Or he’s lost his fucking mind. Imagine he dropped Chip. That would be hilarious and his mom the pitcher would freak out. “Oh my beautiful little tea cup.” “I’m still alive. Please just kill me.”

Apparently there is a rich merchant (my last name) with three beautiful daughters. The two oldest ones are cunts but Belle is pure as snow. Fun fact Belle is beautiful in French.

The merchant loses his ships in some storm. Stuff happens. But alas one of his ships finally did make it. Thinking he’s rich again he asked his daughters what kind of gifts they would like. That’s nice. Naturally the two bitches want jewels, garments and treasures. And don’t forget the Faberge eggs.

And Belle just asks for a “rose, as none grow in their part of the country.” What a bitch. She could just asks for any rose. Or something nice, like a watch. Or he could lie and just pick any ordinary rose. She can’t tell.

Does she know how hard it would be to travel to other parts of the country searching for roses? And then coming back while they are still in bloom? What kind of scavenger hunt is this?

“Belle, I rode a damn horse a 100 miles to the west side of this stupid country and went looking for roses in people’s gardens like an idiot. All I could find was some dandelions.” “Oh dad, I would have accepted any gift. It’s the thought that counts.” “A 100 fucking miles you bitch. Do you know how far that is?” “Um a 100 miles.” “Bitch.”

So the merchant get’s lost in woods like he’s Link. You’d think he’d return the way he came or not go through any forests to begin with. He’s lost and it’s getting dark out, but he finds this palace. He decides to eat this food he found. It was from the beast. So merch actually finds a rose and picks it. Beastie is pissed over a single rose and decides to kill him for. I think he overacted.

Merch tells him it’s for his beautiful daughter. Beastly is enticed. They make a deal; for letting the merchant go; his daughter must stay with him. Belle agrees to go to live with this hideous creature. On the bright side he lavishes her with gifts and riches. And shoes! She even has a walk-in closet.

But each day the mutant keeps proposing to her and each time he gets shot down. Too bad the beast doesn’t know she’s only sixteen. Hey Beasts, I think you should just give up the whole marriage thing. It’s not going to happen. Go jerk off to nature shows about wildebeests. She wants a real prince. Editor’s note: I always thought wildebeests was spelled wilderbeasts.

Belle gets homesick and asks the freak to make a deal so she can visit her family for a week. Her sisters are jealous and I bet they’re not married. So they trick Belle to stay an extra day. Beast is heart broken, even for one single extra day. Whatever. Belle she’s seems him half dead or O.D. and says she loves him and a teardrop hits the monster and booya he transforms into a prince. Again with the tears.

Now a prince, he tells Belle that a long time ago a “fairy turned him into a hideous beast after he refused to let her in from the rain, and that only by finding true love, despite his ugliness, could the curse be broken.” Right. The get hitched and live happily ever after together.

The moral of the story is that girls are shallow and want to marry princes. And you should always let fairies inside when it’s raining or cold. Or for tea.

Then End.

Titanic

Spoiler! The Titanic hits an iceberg and sinks.

How ironic, the very same ship that was supposed to be unsinkable. Kind of like Jesus walking on water.

I have known all about the Titanic long before the movie came out in 2007. Actually there is an old black and white movie about Titanic too. It’s not that bad.

Its funny, my friend Stics and this other kid both did speeches on Titanic. It’s too bad the kid plagiarized his whole speech because they both clearly read the same book.

The movie Titanic stars Leo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Billy Zane and that crazy fat chick from Misery. I like Leo because he’s always in good movies such as Basketball Diaries and the Beach. Kate is smoking hot. Zane is a badass.

But whatever you do, don’t drive through any winter storms and watch out for nurses that will break your legs, burn your novel and make you write another one all over again.

Even if you haven’t seen it, you should know two scenes. The one where Leo is at the front of the ship and says “I’m the king of the world.” Or there is the end where Leo and Kate hold on to the ship till it sinks. These two scenes are in so many damn movies its not even funny anymore.

The budget was the highest in film history at the time. I think it cost like 200 million but don’t worry it wasn’t another Water World flop. It grossed over a billion.

For a chick flick, Titanic is one fucking cool movie. And I’ll admit I kind of like Celine Dion’s song “My Heart Will Go On.” Wait; scratch that. Every time I hear that song I too long for romance. But alas I live in my parents’ basement and smoke weed. Who could love me?

The best part is you get to see Kate Winslet naked. Hotty! I think that was for all of the guys who got dragged into the theater by their wives or girlfriends.

Anyway the movie begins in present day where this team of expeditioners are out in the ocean searching for the “Heart of the Ocean.”  They find the safe where the diamond should be, but they are shit out of luck. All they find are some nudy pictures and monopoly money.

Apparently this necklace was worn by some king. I think it was King Leo. It looks like one huge fucking diamond. I assume they used cubic zirconium in the movie.

So there is some old senile women who heard about these guys on television and she meets the team on their boat. She is like a hundred years old and claims to be this rich hotty on the ship who was painted nude with the diamond around her neck. “Wasn’t I a dish?” So the movie took to place in 1997 and the old lady would be dead or oldest person ever.

She then tells her story about the Titanic. It’s kind of like film Aladdin. Leo is a street rat and Kate is some rich bitch. And she feels trapped. Leo and his friend win a poker hand and win a ticket on the Titanic. And Leo says he is the luckiest guy. How ironic.

Kate can’t stand the pain any longer and is about to jump off the ship. What a brat. Is your life of luxury too much for you? So what if she is getting married to someone she doesn’t love. I mean Zane is a hunk. Wait scratch that. And think of all of the bad marriages there are.

It just so happens that Leo spots her on edge of the ship about to jump off and he tells her how freezing the water would be. Like your coldest shower ever. Apparently with hundreds of passengers, there was nobody else on the deck to witness this.

Leo saves her. And she saves her from herself. They fall deeply in love. I too wish to I know what love is. Leo paints a nude picture of her. Kate says her heart was beating like crazy and it was the most erotic moment of her life. “At the time.” You hoar. They run away from Zane and his lackey and they fuck in a car. How romantic.

So the rich guy wants to make headlines again, this time for the speed of Titanic. Well he did make headlines. As you know dipshit lookout watchman didn’t have the damn binoculars for some retarded reason and didn’t see the iceberg. And it was just the tip of the iceberg. Whoops.

Obviously the coolest part of the movie is when the ship is about to sink. It’s a very surreal atmosphere. They don’t have enough life boats because the deck seemed crowed and any nearby boats think they’re just partying.

So it’s women and children first. Meaning the men are fucked. There was one douche that got onto the boat. How could you live with yourself? I would just get hammered and maybe O.D. before I freeze to death or drown.

And do you really need men steering the life boats? “Don’t worry, I will volunteer to steer the life boat but I need the assistance of my friend here.”

The ship is starting to break apart and it’s a mad scramble. And as you know, to calm down everyone the band played on. I don’t know who was in the band. Maybe vocals, drums, piano and trumpets. And the best part is when the ship is tilting and people are falling down hitting everything like human plinkos.

Again, Leo and Kate hold on to the very end and then plunge into the freezing cold water. Too bad Leo can’t find a piece of wood big enough for both of them. Thanks bitch, had you got onto the lifeboat he would be still alive. Leo dies but Kate is rescued.

And earlier Zane gave her his trench coat, with the Heart of the Ocean in the pockets. Wait a second, if old Kate was narrating the story, then wouldn’t she tell them about the Heart of the Ocean? Or do she not give away all of the details?

So we see how her life turned out in America. “A women’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets.” Then she tosses the Heart of the Ocean over the ship. Whoops. She had the Heart of the Ocean all along. Thanks bitch, you could have sold it or at least tell them they are wasting their fucking time and money. I hope she is on another ship that sinks.

Japan

I Think I’m Turning Japanese

I love Japanese culture and I love big cities. And the Japanese love America. I hope that includes Canada. Cool flag by the way. So here is my roast of the Rising Sun.

I’d travel to Japan but I’m scared of going alone and getting lost. But there’s bound to be Japanese people that speak English.

“Do you know where a pay phone is? I am Canadian?” “Canadian, yes, yes. No phone. Only cell phone.” “Can I borrow yours?” “No, no. Charge long distance.” “Then where is the embassy?” “Embassy. Yes, yes. Go down Nigodaya and turn left at Nidogaya and follow Nidogaya to Nigodada.”

So I wish I could speak and write in Japanese. And I wish my friends could too. How cool would it be to talk Japanese with other people around and they have clue what we are talking about. You could be making fun of the fat chick or the dude with the stupid hat. But alas I missed my window of opportunity and I am too damn old to learn another language.

And Japanese script is so confusing. One little scribble could mean an entirely new letter or word or syllable. They all look the same to me. I can hardly even write in English now since I pretty much only type on my computer and I only really need it when I’m writing my signature or jotting down someone’s name and number.

Then there are Japanese tattoos. I don’t like tattoos in general. I don’t think we should deface our body with permanent pictures and words like we are living canvas. It’s one thing to have a cool tattoo. My brother has some cool ones. But there are many shitty ones. One kid I play hockey with has all of this random shit on his body.

I think Japanese and Chinese words look cool. After all their language is like an art. Just make sure you know the translation before hand. I have heard of people getting the wrong translation.

On the show a 1,000 Ways to Die, the tattoo artist was supposed to write “warrior” or something but ended up being “douche bag’ or something. Dude is pissed and chases the guy but the guy gets killed before the guy was able to kill hm. I forget how.

My mom likes to buy Canadian because we should support our economy. But I only trust Japanese electronics. I don’t even know if we export or even have any Canadian electronics at all. When’s the last time you have opened up a Blue-ray player made in Canada? I mean we are only known for loggers, syrup, hockey and sadly Justin Bieber.

Japan is the home to Nintendo, the greatest video company there ever was. It’s actually means “leave luck to heaven” in Japanese. But alas, Sony and Microsoft are taking over the pies. I used to pick every Nintendo console but I think I’m going to go with an Xbox One this time. And then maybe buy a Wii U later.

Do you remember Yoshi? I think the lovable dinosaur was called Yoshi because it is a very common last name in Japan. Just read the credits at the end of the game. I love walking around eating things. Too bad he’s chickenshit in Haunted Houses and Dungeons. And red Yoshi sucks. Then you beat Special Land (haha, sounds like a magical place for retards, haha) and now the turtles turn into Mario heads. It ruins it and looks stupid. So I don’t ever finish it.

My roommate JP introduced me to Anime. I thought anime was gay. It seems a lot of anime feature mainly white people. The character’s eyes and mouths are just slightly too big. And their emotions are erratic. One moment they are super joyful and then they are totally pissed. Like when it’s their the time of the month or they are on blow.

There’s Sailor Moon who is “fighting evil by moonlight, winning love by daylight.” She is accompanied her friends like Sailor Venus and Sail Pluto to kill all of these magical and evil enemies. They wear really; really short skirts and they have nice asses and creamy white thighs.

I don’t know if it’s creepy that it turns me on. I’m joking; too bad they don’t get any older and they are of age. It reminds me of Brittany Spears first video “Beat Me” when she was wearing school uniforms with same haircut and ribbons as Sailor Moon. And she was still smoking hot. I admit I do have a fetish of Japanese women with big boobs in short skirts.

You can tell Sailor Moon’s friends apart by their haircut. Sailor Moon should especially get a hair cut. It’s so damn long that she might trip on it. And she could donate it to cancer patients. It’s either in Japanese with the shitty translation on the bottom or in English with just terrible voice actors. Whoever is the voice of Sailor Moon doesn’t even sound like a teenage girl.

Then there is Dragon Ball Z. I’ll admit I’m not giving it a chance. I met this dude way back saying how he was so into Dragon Ball and how awesome it is. I called him a dork. And never saw him again. I wonder where he is now. So just now I’m watching it on Youtube and they won the award of gayest theme song. And trust me; there are a million gay songs.

First off every guy must hit the gym and use the steroids because they are all in excellent shape. Plus I’d like to know which shampoo they use. The hair stays nice and spiked when they fight. I do love the sound effects. That would be cool to have.

I’m watching it and wondering what the fuck is going on? One episode was twenty minutes. Most of that twenty minutes is a showdown between the good and evil guys. Only they were talking about all of this level crap and final forms and shit.

Then they fly into each other. They punch and kick each other for a solid minute and then it ends. And you have to wait for the next damn episode hoping you’ll see the outcome of this epic battle. Then that enemy returns to get revenge. Now with a whopping level 12!

But there is a ton of cool and serious anime out there. And you don’t notice the subtext after a while. Too bad I lost a few series when my external drive crashed. And I forgot the titles of the series. One was Elfen Lied. A real cool, dark and very violent anime series. Check it out.

Sumo wrestling is Japan’s national sport. I think it started when people thought “hey, you know what would be funny? Getting those two fat guys over there to push each other out of this circle.”

The cool thing about being a sumo is that you can eat whatever you want and how much you want. Like a whole pig with a stick of butter. In fact some have to eat even more to get the edge. What I wonder is, do sumo’s get the ladies? Of course they would be on the bottom or they might be suffocate the poor dear.

Baseball is becoming huge in Japan. The most boring sport there is. Nothing new or exciting ever happens. “Oh, he got a home run again. Oh he caught a ball that was going over the wall.” The only way I’d watch a baseball game is if I have enough beer to drink and those big pretzels.

My buddy Wilson introduced me to sushi. At first I didn’t care for it, but it grew on me. Now I love it and I love going to whatever Chinese restaurant there is. Too bad I can’t hold chopsticks. I don’t know why Asian people use them instead of a knife and fork. I mean they can’t just eat soup without a spoon or cut a steak with a stick of wood. But they are probably easy to wash.

I told this before, but it’s funny. Me and JP went to all you can eat sushi restaurant in London. You get a list or menu and mark down what you want. The catch is if you can’t eat it all, then you have pay for it. It’s makes sense so people won’t order too much and waste it. So we ate our first order and it was delicious. So delicious we ordered again. Soon I couldn’t look at it anymore but I forced it down my throat to save a few bucks. Then three hours later I was hungry again. Go figure.