Around the World in100 Days

I haven’t done much travelling in my life. In my grade 8 class field trip we went to Quebec, Quebec. Since Quebec is the French province of Canada, I brought along a French dictionary with me. Everyone tried to order food in French and each time the waiter tells us they speak English.

I brought my camera and took stupid pictures of the sights and buildings instead of pictures of my friends and classmates. You should cherish these moments forever. I mean when would you like to look back at Cheau Frontenac or a Bonhomme ice sculpture?

I go to Florida once a year with my parents. We drive across the States beginning with Michigan. We never stop in Ohio. We wait until we hit the redneck states like Kentucky and Tennessee. I love Florida and I write a blog each time we visit. So check out my older blogs about my Florida trips.

And that’s it. I would love to go hitchhiking all across the world except I have nobody to go with. God I’m so desperately lonely. Or better yet, I’d sail a across the world on a hot air balloon. I would of course put Canadian flags on my bags. I even heard Americans do the same because everyone loves Canada.

Here are some places I’d like to visit:

Great Brittan

My dad was born in England and moved to Canada when he was young. My relatives owned a pub. That would be awesome to have my own pub. I’d probably become an alcoholic.  I would definitely go golfing in Scotland and watch some Manchester United soccer. I mean football. I always wonder why they call American football, football. It has nothing to do with feet. They should call it handball or throwball.

Japan

I love Japanese culture and big cities. I noticed a lot of Asian students at college hang out with each other exclusively. But the first thing I’d do in Japan is make friends with white or other North American people. Its funny, on my floor there was this hot black chick that we’d hang out with. Well buddy went to sit down with her and her black friends and one big guy said something like “what are you doing here white boy?” Maybe it wasn’t funny.

Jamaica

Obvious. I would love to buy a brick of weed and just smoke it wherever I want, mon. No more hiding behind the church to get high mon. And I love reggae music and hot weather mon. And my only friend who doesn’t smoke weed goes to Jamaica and right off the bat people try to sell him weed. Take me with you!

Italy

I think it would be cool to see all of the sights and sounds of Italy, like the Coliseum or Leaning Tower of Pizza. I’d have to go through Venice and see how the roadways are water. And I would love to see the Vatican. I also love Italian food and mobster movies.

Thailand

Ever since I watched the awesome movie the Beach I have the biggest urge to visit Thailand. For one thing everything is cheap, like your mom. I’d hope to watch some real kickboxing. Maybe Sagat verses Bison. However I just hope nobody plants drugs in my bag and I end up in jail forever.

Australia

I would love to see the outback and I’d bring my poke balls with me. Maybe I’d catch a psychduck, a kangaskhan or a dodrio. And being Canadian, I’d challenged any Aussie to a drinking contest. I also would like to go snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef and catch a Nemo.

Holland

Again it’s obvious why I’d to Holland. Amsterdam baby! Where everything is legal. Like it should be. I’d have to hit the red light district and maybe the mountains; if they have mountains. I’d probably buy some shrooms, weed brownies and finally try some real absinthe.

Here are some places where I don’t want to visit:

Vietnam

I would never want to visit a country whose name is synonymous of a fucking war. I have already seen Platoon, Apocalypse Now and Full Metal Jacket. I don’t like jungles and I don’t want to get pick pocketed. Although I always keep my wallet in my front pocket.

North Korea

I would stay far away from Korea as I can. They are a communist country with an evil dictator with a Napoleon complex. Kim, haha girl’s name, likes parades. Have you seen the soldiers walk in sequence? I guarantee someone misses a step and they are shot. And their families and dog get shot too. And they might soon have nuclear weapons. Scary.

China

China seems overcrowded and polluted. There are just too many damn people in a small area. The funny thing is that soon millions will be retired or just too damn old to work and there are not enough young people to support them. And since parents want boys instead of girls many men might turn gay.

Russia

Russia is too damn cold. It’s cold in Canada, so why would I want to visit somewhere else even colder.  And there’s nothing really interesting to see there. Plus I’d have to carry a lot of clothes with me. But I always wanted one of those Russian hats. Maybe I’d get a hot mail order bride. It’s just I know they are there for a free ticket to Canada, she wouldn’t love me and she wouldn’t want to live with me in my parents basement.

Iraq

I have already written how much George W. Bush and the Iraq war infuriates me. Iraq citizens and American soldiers were much, much better off with Saddam. You can’t liberate a country by blowing the shit out it for oil. You couldn’t pay me to go there.

Brazil

It pains me to see the rainforest cut down. The rainforest is vital to Earth by releasing oxygen. But you have to look at the native’s perspective. They have to feed their families and this might be the only way they can. I would never want to go there. There are too many things there that I’m afraid of. Like piranhas or those worm fish that get lodged in your fucking dick.

Israel

Way back in high school long before the Iraq war I dressed up as a suicide bomber for Halloween. I thought of it when found my dad’s Middle Eastern robe and beard. So I cut off those red golf club tubes, used some wires and tabbed the dynamite on my stomach. It looked authentic and was fucking awesome. Too bad the photos my mom took didn’t develop right and I can’t find the costume now. That’s why I’d never want to go to Israel or other backward Middle Eastern countries. I don’t like getting blown up.

France

Ribbit. French people piss me off. They just seem so snooty and stuck-up. There was this French foreign exchange student next to my room in college. He didn’t use soap and spent most of his time in his room. I tried to initiate conversations or invite him to go to the bar with me a couple of times but he turned me down. I did see him at the bar though with his foreign friends and he didn’t even introduce me to them. Finally one day he snapped on me because I kept hitting snooze on my alarm. Hey asshole, next time just ask for me to turn it off. Anyway I hate wine. And what would I do in Paris anyway. Wow the Eifel tower, neat.