Dumbo

When I have written well over 300 blogs, it’s hard to come up with of new ideas. I’m scraping the bottom of a barrel here. I’m taking suggestions so if you have a topic you want me to write about then leave me a comment.

So I’m thinking about what Disney Movies I haven’t made fun of and I find the movie Dumbo at the Goodwill. I haven’t seen it forever and it was only a loonie. The cashier gave me a look. Normally I’d tell her it’s for my nephew or I have a website where I make fun of cartoons. I decided to come clean and told her “yes it’s for me.” I thought it would make her at least smile, but no. So fuck her.

The movie Dumbo begins with this circus train travelling across Florida. The storks are bringing all of the circus animals their babies. I realize when little kids ask their parents where babies are from they say a stork brought them. It doesn’t really explain much because where do the storks get the babies in the first place? I guess it would be just a little inappropriate to show two elephants going at it and then giving birth in a kid’s movie. I mean giving birth to an elephant has got to hurt.

But kids can’t be that stupid when they clearly see animals, like turtles, lay eggs. Haven’t they seen animal documentaries? You never see any storks bring baby tigers in Africa. So the storks are pretty much dropping the babies like they are paratroopers. What happens if they miss and drop an animal like a baby gazelle in the lion train cart? Whoops.

But alas the stork delivering Dumbo to his mother, Jumbo, is late. I have no clue how a stork could possibly carry an elephant, but hey it’s only a movie. Dumbo finally arrives. The other elephants find him cute until he hiccups and they see his huge fucking ears. So they call him Dumbo. I still think he’s adorable. I myself have big ears. Dumbo never knew his father. I think the poachers killed him for his tusks.

Well some kids, like a kid also with big ears, are making fun of him. Jumbo doesn’t take too kindly and just freaks out when the kids start messing with him. She kicked some serious ass but is sent into solitary confinement. A mouse Tim sees this sad elephant and befriends Dumbo. And he scares the other elephants.

Tim whispers to the ring master in his sleep pretending to be his subconscious. He tells the man to have a stack of elephants with Dumbo on the top. Dumbo fucks up and they all fall and destroy the circus tent. The ringmaster decides to make him a clown. Clowns scare me. Afterwards the clowns are plotting their next feat and are drinking some booze.

Dumbo and Tim get totally hammered when they fall into the clowns liquor bucket. As a kid I never understood what alcohol was. Then they have some fucked up drunken hallucinations of elephants singing the elephant parade. This part gave me nightmares. I still find it fucked up.

Afterwards Dumbo and Tim wake up in a tree totally hangover. There are some black crows wondering how the fuck did they got up there. By the way all of the crows are classic black stereotypes. They say that maybe they flew up there and start singing this song I’ve seen everything when I see an elephant fly. Just how when I’ve seen the giant Canadian nickel in Sudbury I’ve seen everything.

Tim then gives Dumbo a magic feather that makes him fly. Hey doesn’t this sound like Super Mario and his feather that makes him fly? So the clowns make Dumbo jump from a high platform into some gook. Dumbo finally flies, without the feather, and kicks some ass. He makes sensational headlines, his mother is released and everything turns out dandy. And I noticed that Dumbo never talks. I guess he’s dumb. Dumb. Haha I’m hilarious.