Top Ten Worst Ways to Die

(Warning: I make fun of Jebus. Please don’t get pissed off with me)

11. Being Crucified

I notice many churches have these cute messages on their front lawn. Some are clever, some are funny, some are stupid and some are just annoying. For example there is this house with some signs about meeting your creator or that Jesus died for our sins.

I’m so sick of Jesus dying for our sins. For one thing he didn’t die for our sins because people still go to Hell. Secondly he didn’t have to die because he could have used his super powers, free himself and kill the guards with eye lasers. Thirdly he’s a big fucking pussy.

Yes that’s right, I called your savoir a big fucking pussy. He is all like “why Father have you forsaken me?” Hey you get to go to the Kingdom of Heaven and rule over it beside your father; the all powerful God. I mean I would get crucified too if I had the chance.

And why did he accept the murderer’s apology and forgive his sins. “Oh Jesus I’m so sorry about killing all of those people.” I don’t think that works with other criminals. “Well Judge, I guess I shouldn’t have raped all of those children. I’m sorry.” “Well we all make mistakes. You’re free to go.”

And you know what; thousands of people, including innocent people have been crucified too. And you also know what; firemen and soldiers give their lives to save people without thinking about rewards. So it kind of takes away from Jesus’ noble death. And most importantly, millions of people have died from far worst ways.

So here are my top ten worst ways to die:

10. Buried Alive

I have a bit of claustrophobia. It’s not being in tight spots but being in tight spots that I can’t get out of. Kind of like when you are buried in the sand at the beach and your friends ditch you. I was actually dared to ride in the trunk of a car when I was in college. It was funny but I made them promise to let me out anytime I wanted out.

Being buried alive would be so incredibly scary. I’ve seen Kill Bill part two but I don’t think you can escape. Unless you are Houdini. I don’t know where you would put all of the dirt even if you can get out of the coffin. I have heard that some victims scratched the wood until they lost their finger nails. I’m not sure if they die of starvation or lack of oxygen or what.

9. Electrocution

I think they need more warnings on toasters saying don’t jam forks into it or don’t make peanut butter sandwiches in the bathtub.

I can’t believe that the U.S. still does electrocutions. Basically they electrocute the criminal until his heart burns or something. And it costs a lot of fucking money. Lethal injection is more humane but again it’s expensive.

But do you know what’s cheap? Bullets. And if they can’t find an anonymous executioner they should just let the victims’ family shoot the them. “Whoops, I shot him in the nuts. My bad.”

8. Freeze to Death

I hate being cold. For me it’s the main reason why winter sucks in Canada. I rather endure extreme heat than not be able to leave the house without layers of clothing. And I hate cold showers. Now imagine you fall into freezing water while you are ice fishing or skating or just drunk. It would be the worst cold shower ever. And I think you would lose your fingers and nose before you freeze to death.

7. Radiation Poisoning

I tried eating radioactive slime to give me super powers. I got cancer.

6. Drowning

I’m not much of a swimmer. I usually doggy paddle. I remember doing what we called river runs where you jump into the river and let the current take you upstream. Only I was getting far away from shore and was freaking out. Obviously I made it alive to tell this story.

So let’s say your are sailing your sailboat out in the Pacific Ocean without a care in the world and suddenly a storm hits you and your sailboat capsizes and you have to swim back to shore. Unless you are rescued by Aquaman or actually do make it to land, you would eventually drown. How scary that would be.

5. Eaten by Sharks

I have always wanted to go scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef and catch Nemo. What an awesome movie by the way. I got high with a friend and watched it in the theater. We were surrounded by kids but I didn’t give a shit. However I would never swim out in the ocean because I’m afraid of Jaws. And again, I still doggie paddle.

4. Thirst

I’d hate to die of thirst. You know, you’re out in the desert and you have nothing to drink. Besides Mountain Dew.

3. Watching the Trade Center Movie

This movie should have never been made. I don’t like people profiting off such a tragedy. I guess I was curious. All they did was show some firemen trapped under the wreckage. It’s so terrible people would have to kill themselves out of boredom.

2. Climbing a Mountain

I don’t understand why people attempt to climb Mt. Everest, Mt. Doom or other mountains. Do they need to prove something? Such as the first guy to climb Mt. Everest with no arms. Or do they need to destroy Sauron’s ring? Because I’ve heard there are just scattered bodies of idiots that didn’t make it. I mean there are so many ways to die. You could fall, freeze, die of exhaustion or get buried alive under an avalanche.

1. Burn to Death

Burning alive has to be the most painful way to die. I don’t know if rolling on the ground would do anything or what. What I don’t get is why our brain registers you as being on fire. Do we really need to feel all of this pain? I guess it’s like your brain saying get the fuck out of the fucking flames now!

Imagine your house is on fire. What would you do? First I’d crawl on the ground and use my sleeves to open the doorknobs. I’d have to rescue whoever else is in the house. If I had a dog or cat I’d try to save them too. My fish on the other hand are screwed. I would also try to save my laptop, my weed, my Ipod and my Uncle Owen Star Wars action figure.

But that would totally suck losing everything. I would hate to replace all of my possession. Like my movies, video games, my almost complete wardrobe and course all of my blogs. I also wonder how much you would get for all of your belongings? “So I had 2,000 movies, 2,000 video games, three computers, thirty T-shirts, diamond ring, and the very first Superman comic.  That’s like $50,000 and they’re hard to come by.