T.V. Mascots

The Hamburger Helper Hand

There is the weird Helping Hand thing. He helps my mom make delicious Hamburger Helper lasagna. And he gives hand jobs on the side.

Chester Cheetah

Chester Cheetah is the hip Cheetos mascot. I remember I was eating some delicious Cheetos at the mall and spent the entire day with that orange shit on my teeth. But it was worth it.

Taco Bell Chihuahua

Normally I’m not a big fan of chihuahuas. I think they’re small and ugly and look like a rat. But the Mexican Taco Bell mascot is pretty funny. I really love fries supreme and taco pizzas. Mmm.

Rice Crispy Elves

There are the gay Rice Crispy elves; Snap, Crackle and Pop. I guess that’s because you hear that sound when you eat Rice Crispy cereal. But don’t get them mixed up with the Narcotic elves Smack, Crack and Pot. And I totally love Rice Crispy Squares. Mmm.

Mr. Clean

Mr. Clean is a badass that hates dirt and grime. He’s bald, has some huge pecks and is in overall good shape. I wouldn’t fuck with him. And he has an earring and crosses his arm so that he looks like a genie. And one of my favorite Millencolin songs is Mister Clean.

Pillsbury Doughboy

“Poke me and die.” Pillsbury Doughboy, or his other alias Poppin Fresh, is the funny and friendly mascot of Pillsbury. Hoo-hoo. I fucking love their crescents. Hoo-hoo. He looks like some white dooey creature on acid. Hoo-hoo. And people like poking him on the belly. Hoo-hoo.

Green Giant

Ho, ho, ho Green Giant. Green Giant is the vegetable mascot that doesn’t wear pants. Now imagine you are looking at him from the ground up and you see that giant green dick of his just dangling there. That would be gross. He should also be the mascot of marijuana. Ha, ha, ha Weed Giant.

McGruff

McGruff is or was the police mascot. He was the talking dog wearing a trench coat. I don’t know if they had to put him down because of rabies or he got shot because I haven’t seen him on T.V. for a while. But he wants you to take a bite out of crime! You hear that criminals? He’s going to bite that tax evasion. And he hates drugs.

Tootsie Pop Owl

So some stupid kid goes around asking random animals how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.  But the owl could only lick it like three times until he bites it. That’s not good for your teeth. Or beaks. Hey kid, who gives a fuck. And the number of licks varies from different people or owls. So why not just try it out for yourself.

Uncle Ben and Aunt Jamima

Normally I don’t like vegetables besides Caesar salad, asparagus and Uncle Ben’s rice. You’d think Uncle Ben would be Asian because I thought they made it in Vietnam rice patties. I also love delicious Aunt Jamima syrup on my pancakes. And I know everyone is thinking hey did Uncle Ben and Aunt Jamima ever hook up?

Snuggles Bear

Snuggles Bear is the mascot of Snuggles fabric softener. My mom does my laundry and I don’t even know what fabric softener does. I guess it makes your clothes softer? So I looked up Snuggle commercials on Youtube. They were a combination of real Snuggles commercials and parodies of Snuggles. And they are both creepy as fuck. “Oh these underwear are so, so, soft. Haha, this bra is so, so soft.”

Eminems

I love peanut M&Ms. I wonder if Eminem is supposed to mean M&Ms because his name is Marshall Matters. The commercials star with the smart red M&M and the dufus yellow peanut M&M.

And I love Smarties. I guess the different colors are for show and doesn’t taste differently like the color of Skittles. And I always wonder why in Skittle commercials the person eats the whole fucking bag of the Skittles in one swallow. And not choke.

Kool-Aid Punch Bowl

I love making Kool-Aid because it’s easy to make and has so many flavors to choose from. The key is to add a ton of sugar. This was a way to get a sugar high when you were too young to smoke weed.

The mascot is of course the giant Kool-Aid punch bowl that’s too damn big to use the door. So he decides to break through the fucking wall like he’s on PCP. And he says oh yeah like the Macho Man. I would love to spike him with some vodka.

Energizer Bunny

The Energizer Bunny is like taking a huge piss at the bar. It keeps going and going. But I was always a Duracell fan for some reason. I like that sound in the commercials. You know what I’m talking about.

So I spent the other day going through all of our batteries and separating them between new and used. What I did was put one new battery in my Gameboy Advance and then tested the rest of the batteries one by one. Some worked, some didn’t and some were just corroded.

I’ll never use those cheap ones I bought at the dollar store ever again. Even the Panasonic ones. Now I usually use the rechargeable batteries. And am I the only one who found that the batteries in Wii remotes get drained even if you haven’t used it in a while?

Domino Noid

I love pizza. Especially Dominos. And so does Chunk from the Goonies. But I never knew what the fuck a Noid is, nor what a Noid has to do with pizza. It appears to be some creepy dude in a red bunny suit. But I do remember playing Yo! Noid for Nintendo. I forgot the goal of the game but I do remember you could hop on a pogo stick.

Little Caesar

I have already written a blog about delivering pizza at Little Caesars. It was the most fun job ever. So they started the whole Hot N Ready and paid some kids to hold up signs by the street for years. I think everyone knows about it by now. The thing was I had to wait ten minutes one time so it wasn’t really ready. And sometimes it’s not hot at all. Now they skip out on the cheese, toppings and sauce and it tastes like bread.

Anyway the Caesar mascot is the cute Roman emperor. And not the blood thirsty Roman dictator. I don’t even know if the even had pizza back then. Haha, when in Rome.

Colonel Sanders

I love KFC. As you know Colonel Sanders is the lovable founder of KFC. I don’t know if he was an actual colonel in the army or it just sounded cool. He’s dead but his legacy, white suit and string tie lives on.

KFC is pretty much the only good thing to come out of Kentucky besides horse derbies, Johnny Depp the ladies man George Clooney.

Every year me and my folks drive to Florida and we must pass through Kentucky. What a bunch of rednecks. It’s pretty sad. Seriously you want to get a Big Mac in some shitty town made up of shitty trailers and one or two shitty churches. And shacks. My tool shed is bigger than some of them.  

Anyway I have been thinking of stealing the secret recipe and start my own fast food chain OFC; Ontario Fried Chicken.

Smoky Bear

Smoky the Bear is the talking bear ranger that keeps repeating that “only you can prevent forest fires.” I think he means that only people can prevent forest fires and not animals. “I’m a fucking bear; how the Hell can I prevent them?”

So make sure you put out your camp fire with water. And not piss; that’s disgusting.

It’s too bad that most wildfires occur in extremely dry weather and the wind spreads them out of control. “Look Smoky, I’m not a fireman so I can’t do shit all by preventing or stopping wildfires.”

Then there is Smoky Bong whose message is “only you can prevent crib fires.” So when you smoked your cigarettes or joints then please distinguish them in an ash tray. By the way I realize I talk about weed way too much. Its just that I really like it. That’s all.

Marlboro Man

The Marlboro Man was the classic rugged cowboy that smoked Marlboro cigarettes. Then he died of lung cancer. I don’t even know why people still smoke cigarettes, or try them in the first place when they know that they are so addictive and harmful.

What really pisses me off is when smokers get lung transplants that should go to other patients in need. So I think money from cigarettes sales should go to hospitals.

I can’t stress this enough, don’t try cigarettes. I don’t give a fuck if all your friends smoke and its part of their social life. Or that you only smoke while you drink. Again don’t ever fucking smoke. That’s the best advice I can give besides wearing sunscreen.

Camel Joe

Camel Joe is the cartoon camel mascot for Camel Cigarettes. Apparently since it’s a cartoon it makes kids want to smoke. So they had to can him.  You know what else is a cartoon? GIJOE. But watching GIJOE shouldn’t make kids want to go out a buy a laser gun.

Also I thought you need be to 18 or so to buy cigarettes. “Mom, I saw a cartoon camel that smoked, can you buy me some smokes?” “Only if you clean your room.” I guess they have to use a real camel, dress him up and stick a cigarette in his mouth. But then that would get PETA all over their asses.

Camel Toe

Finally here is the definition of a camel toe by Wikipedia.

“Camel toe is a slang term that refers to the outline of a human female's labia, as seen through tightly fitting clothes. Due to a combination of anatomical factors and the tightness of the fabric covering it, the crotch and mons pubis may take on a resemblance to the forefoot of a camel.” Haha, they even showed some random chick’s camel toe.

Candy

Candy Makes You Dandy

You know I’m running out of ideas for blogs when I make one about candy. But I have already written it, so bite me. I am however taking suggestions for new blogs. So drop me a line.

The Convenience Store

When I was kid, me and the gang would walk to the Kiwki-Mart and buy some candy. Back then candy was cheap. I used to be able to buy fun dip for a quarter. Now it cost $1.50. Inflation is a bitch. But it’s still fun as ever and you can eat the stick too. I also loved Nerds.

The Munchies

As an adult I still love candy. One of my favorite things to do is smoke weed, walk to the Kiwki-Mart and eat some candy. If you have never smoked weed than there are few curious things about it. One is that you get the munchies and everything seems to taste even so much better. I love chocolate on weed.

Another is that time seems to slow down. I don’t want to quote a Brian Adams’ song but its like when you were a kid and those summer days seemed to last forever. Now the days seem so much shorter. Where do those afternoons go? Am I the only one who notices this?

The Vending Machine

Vending machines are everywhere where there is no other place to buy food. Like at the hockey arena or the bowling alley. I don’t like paying $175 for an Aero bar. But I don’t like feeling hungry.

What I hate about vending machines is when you’re chips or whatever don’t fall down. So I would punch it and shake it. You would be surprised how many people died when trying to steal from vending machines. Apparently four times that of shark fatalities. What a stupid way to go.

Then there are times when the vending machine won’t accept your quarters or loonies. At least it isn’t as bad as over in the U.S. where they won’t take your dollar bills if they are just slightly wrinkled.

Hey my American neighbors get with the times. Loonies and toonies are so much easier than having a shitload of dollar bills that look like any other bill. We even got rid of the penny. It’s so much easier. I mean what is the point of having a penny anyway?

So I was at the old Zellers years ago and bought a pop at the vending machine. The light was on and everything so I put in my loonie into it and nothing happened. And it ate my loonie.

So I told customer service in Zellers and she said they don’t own it or something and instead gave me a number to call. Yes, I’m going to call and wait an hour for them to give me a dollar refund. If they can give me a refund at all. Damn you vending machine! Damn you to Hell!

By the way do you remember that Simpson episode where Homer gets his hand caught in the vending machine? And after a while they ask if he is still holding onto the can of pop or whatever. And he was still holding on to it. That was hilarious. I just sounded like that cute band chick from American Pie.

And while I’m on the topic I remember a long time ago in the Mooretown arena there was a cigarette vending machine. That’s hilarious. “Dammit the vending machine won’t give me my Camel cigarettes. And I’m only twelve.” I’m sure it’s gone now.

Zits

I don’t have the best complexion. Even though I use non-name proactive and a lot of soap in the shower. But my parents can tell when I’m breaking out. Every time I eat a lot of sugar I get zits. So trust me, getting zits from eating candy isn’t a myth.

The Dollar Store

I like to bulk up on candy at the dollar store. I buy most of my chocolate bars and chips there. And my energy drinks. I buy a lot skittles and starburst there to sneak into the movie theatre. I’m not going to wait in line and pay five bucks when I can buy the same damn sour patch kid bags for a dollar.

Some of My Favorite Chocolate Bars:

Wonder bars are my all time favorite chocolate bar.

Mr. Big is awesome because it’s so big. That’s what’s she said. And it tastes great.

“Baby Ruuuth.” That’s one of the best lines by Sloth in the Goonies.

Have a break. Have a Kit Kat. Or a cigarette.

How the fuck do they get the caramel in the Caramilk bar? I don’t know.

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Peanut Allergies

I feel bad for people who have nut allergies. They are missing out on a lot of yummy food. I’m not sure which chocolate bars are safe. I’m pretty sure Mars or Hershey are okay. I wonder how they found out that they were allergic. Did they eat some peanut butter and almost die? Or some other severe allergic reaction.

Slurpies

Slurpies are awesome. It’s too bad that none of my nearby variety stores have them anymore. So I have to walk a fair ways to get one. But it’s worth it. I like to have layers of different flavors. Like peach, cream soda and Sprite.

The other day I got a bad brain freeze but I kept on drinking my slurpy because it was so delicious. And I have to change hands when one gets cold. I remember back in the day when those summer day seem to last forever you could buy a huge cup at 7 Eleven for five bucks and then get one dollar refills. Fucking eh.

Five Cent Candy

I always get 5 cent and 25 cent candies at the Kiwki-Mart. I can’t count worth shit because I’m usually stoned and lose track. So I count the candies by fives and tens. Then asshole clerk (I already wrote about this dick clerk before) counts them again like I’m going to rip him off.

I usually get those lips, feet, peaches, pop bottles, worms, berries, sour keys and of course Gummi Bears. (I already wrote about the awesome Gummi Bears cartoon). And I prefer them a little stale. They’re chewier that way.

The Sugar Story

This is a famous story of mine. So I got some five cent candy and ate it too. I kept the bag in my pocket because I don’t like to litter. And it’s still had some sugar left in it. So my mom is doing the laundry and finds this bag of sugar and thinks it cocaine. She freaks out and rushed over to me in my room and asks if this is drugs. I felt relieved thinking she found my weed and assured her it wasn’t drugs.

Warheads

I used to like Warheads. I haven’t seen them in a while. If you don’t know they are extremely hot and or sour candy that you suck on. As a kid I liked eating the red ones because when you spit it looks like you’re spitting blood. Like Rocky.

Push Pops

Push pops are sweet candy that looks like lipstick. And if you don’t want to suck it all you can put the cap back on. But then you walk around with a red, yellow or orange tongue, teeth and lips for the rest of the day.

Ring Pop

I like ring pop because I like bling, bling. In fact if I ever do get married I’d want to propose with a gold ring pop. “Baby, I love you. You’re soul mate. Will you marry me? I’ll get you a real ring when I have saved up enough money.”

Bubble Gum

I also love chewing gum. I remember I’d put like five hits of bubble gum in my mouth and try to blow the biggest bubble ever until it pops. It’s kind of sticky and gross now that I think about it.

Here are some great bubble gum brands:

I want to know how Bazooka Joe lost his eye.

I think Strident lasts the longest but Juicy Fruit tastes the best.   

I always wondered if the Olson twins chew Doublemint gum.

5 Gum stimulates your senses. Every time I chew it, it blows my fucking mind.

I love Bubble Tape. Did you know that a roll of bubble tape is six feet long? That’s as tall as I am.

But I hate when people spit their gum on the ground. It’s not as bad as it used to be though back in the day. I have heard that in China they have huge fines and possibly jail sentences for spitting gum on the ground.

But I wouldn’t sallow it either. That’s what she said.  I don’t know if it’s bad for your stomach and stays there for a long time or what? So I usually spit my gum in the sewer drain or garbage.

It’s too bad there isn’t enough garbage cans in my city. Where there are garbage cans they are always filled to the brim. And then they need cans in areas like at the high school where students throw their cigarette butts, pizza boxes, cups and other junk on the ground.

Grandma’s Dish of Mints

Do you ever notice that old people always have that rock hard candy that’s been in that glass bowl that’s been there since Regan was in office? Anyway all of this candy talk has made me hungry. But alas the Kiwki-Mart is closed and I ate all of our cookies. I guess I have to eat an apple or something.

Top Ten Worst Ways to Die

(Warning: I make fun of Jebus. Please don’t get pissed off with me)

11. Being Crucified

I notice many churches have these cute messages on their front lawn. Some are clever, some are funny, some are stupid and some are just annoying. For example there is this house with some signs about meeting your creator or that Jesus died for our sins.

I’m so sick of Jesus dying for our sins. For one thing he didn’t die for our sins because people still go to Hell. Secondly he didn’t have to die because he could have used his super powers, free himself and kill the guards with eye lasers. Thirdly he’s a big fucking pussy.

Yes that’s right, I called your savoir a big fucking pussy. He is all like “why Father have you forsaken me?” Hey you get to go to the Kingdom of Heaven and rule over it beside your father; the all powerful God. I mean I would get crucified too if I had the chance.

And why did he accept the murderer’s apology and forgive his sins. “Oh Jesus I’m so sorry about killing all of those people.” I don’t think that works with other criminals. “Well Judge, I guess I shouldn’t have raped all of those children. I’m sorry.” “Well we all make mistakes. You’re free to go.”

And you know what; thousands of people, including innocent people have been crucified too. And you also know what; firemen and soldiers give their lives to save people without thinking about rewards. So it kind of takes away from Jesus’ noble death. And most importantly, millions of people have died from far worst ways.

So here are my top ten worst ways to die:

10. Buried Alive

I have a bit of claustrophobia. It’s not being in tight spots but being in tight spots that I can’t get out of. Kind of like when you are buried in the sand at the beach and your friends ditch you. I was actually dared to ride in the trunk of a car when I was in college. It was funny but I made them promise to let me out anytime I wanted out.

Being buried alive would be so incredibly scary. I’ve seen Kill Bill part two but I don’t think you can escape. Unless you are Houdini. I don’t know where you would put all of the dirt even if you can get out of the coffin. I have heard that some victims scratched the wood until they lost their finger nails. I’m not sure if they die of starvation or lack of oxygen or what.

9. Electrocution

I think they need more warnings on toasters saying don’t jam forks into it or don’t make peanut butter sandwiches in the bathtub.

I can’t believe that the U.S. still does electrocutions. Basically they electrocute the criminal until his heart burns or something. And it costs a lot of fucking money. Lethal injection is more humane but again it’s expensive.

But do you know what’s cheap? Bullets. And if they can’t find an anonymous executioner they should just let the victims’ family shoot the them. “Whoops, I shot him in the nuts. My bad.”

8. Freeze to Death

I hate being cold. For me it’s the main reason why winter sucks in Canada. I rather endure extreme heat than not be able to leave the house without layers of clothing. And I hate cold showers. Now imagine you fall into freezing water while you are ice fishing or skating or just drunk. It would be the worst cold shower ever. And I think you would lose your fingers and nose before you freeze to death.

7. Radiation Poisoning

I tried eating radioactive slime to give me super powers. I got cancer.

6. Drowning

I’m not much of a swimmer. I usually doggy paddle. I remember doing what we called river runs where you jump into the river and let the current take you upstream. Only I was getting far away from shore and was freaking out. Obviously I made it alive to tell this story.

So let’s say your are sailing your sailboat out in the Pacific Ocean without a care in the world and suddenly a storm hits you and your sailboat capsizes and you have to swim back to shore. Unless you are rescued by Aquaman or actually do make it to land, you would eventually drown. How scary that would be.

5. Eaten by Sharks

I have always wanted to go scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef and catch Nemo. What an awesome movie by the way. I got high with a friend and watched it in the theater. We were surrounded by kids but I didn’t give a shit. However I would never swim out in the ocean because I’m afraid of Jaws. And again, I still doggie paddle.

4. Thirst

I’d hate to die of thirst. You know, you’re out in the desert and you have nothing to drink. Besides Mountain Dew.

3. Watching the Trade Center Movie

This movie should have never been made. I don’t like people profiting off such a tragedy. I guess I was curious. All they did was show some firemen trapped under the wreckage. It’s so terrible people would have to kill themselves out of boredom.

2. Climbing a Mountain

I don’t understand why people attempt to climb Mt. Everest, Mt. Doom or other mountains. Do they need to prove something? Such as the first guy to climb Mt. Everest with no arms. Or do they need to destroy Sauron’s ring? Because I’ve heard there are just scattered bodies of idiots that didn’t make it. I mean there are so many ways to die. You could fall, freeze, die of exhaustion or get buried alive under an avalanche.

1. Burn to Death

Burning alive has to be the most painful way to die. I don’t know if rolling on the ground would do anything or what. What I don’t get is why our brain registers you as being on fire. Do we really need to feel all of this pain? I guess it’s like your brain saying get the fuck out of the fucking flames now!

Imagine your house is on fire. What would you do? First I’d crawl on the ground and use my sleeves to open the doorknobs. I’d have to rescue whoever else is in the house. If I had a dog or cat I’d try to save them too. My fish on the other hand are screwed. I would also try to save my laptop, my weed, my Ipod and my Uncle Owen Star Wars action figure.

But that would totally suck losing everything. I would hate to replace all of my possession. Like my movies, video games, my almost complete wardrobe and course all of my blogs. I also wonder how much you would get for all of your belongings? “So I had 2,000 movies, 2,000 video games, three computers, thirty T-shirts, diamond ring, and the very first Superman comic.  That’s like $50,000 and they’re hard to come by.

Toys from the 80s and 90s

More Blogs About Toys

I have already written about the 80s, board games, Lego, politically incorrect Guess Who and other toys. But here are some more.

First off, I wonder who decides what age group toys are intended for? I feel a bit old when something is intended for 5 to 12 year olds. It should be just 5 to 90 year olds.

View Masters

View Masters are 3D toy cameras where you insert reels and the pictures pop out at you. They were fun at the toy store. After you see the reels like ten or fifteen times there is really no point now is there. They still have them at Toys R Us.

I think they should have submarine simulator reels where you see Soviet subs and enemy ships. Or better yet, Hustler reels where you see 3D boobs. That would be hot.

Chia Pets

Chi, chi, chi, Chia. Remember Chia Pets? As you should know, Chia Pets are the small animals or models with seeds planted on them that grow into grass. For example there was the Chia ram in which the grass is supposed to be fur. Only green fur. Then they started creating a variety of Chia pets or Chia whatever. They even made a Chia Homer Simpson. Too bad he’s fucking bald dipshits. And too bad they haven’t created Chia mushrooms or Chia pot. Yet.

Don’t Wake Daddy

I have heard of this board game but I have never tried it. As the name implies you have to pass by dad, or step dad, without waking him up. I did this all of the time when I was young and drunk and I had to get by my parents’ room so I could pass out on my bed. Good times.

It’s supposed be light hearted but my dad would get really, really pissed off. For example my dad might be asleep on the couch and I want some Captain Crunch. I would tip toe by but oh shit I woke him up. “Dammit Greg, I have to work tomorrow!” “Sorry dad I was hungry.” “At this hour of the night? Go to bed.”

This is an inside joke but I think they also need a Don’t Wake Doug board game.

Table Hockey

Table Hockey is like Foosball, only it sucks.  They were popular before EA Hockey came along on Sega.  You could only move each player down a specific pathway. You can’t even check or get into fights. Nor are there any referees. And it took a lot of fucking space that you could save for better things. Like a George Forman grill. Or a map of the U.S. Civil War.

Micromachines

I loved Hot Wheels but I loved Micromachines even more. I used to have a ton and played with my buddy on his city map. “Wee, waan, wee waan, micro ambulance coming through. Wee, waan, child got hit by drunk Micromachine corvette driver.” I think I was missing a Fiero, hummer and limousine. Or a hummer limousine.

Do you remember the Micromachine guy who could speak incredibly fast? He reminds me of an auctioneer. By the way I have always wondered what if someone bids like a $10,000 but they don’t have $10,000.

I have heard of some poor lady that got screwed. They were selling like twenty chairs and she thought that she’d buy them all for like forty bucks. But it was supposed to be all of the chairs for forty bucks each. That’s too bad.

Lolo Balls

If you don’t already know Lolo balls were shitty toys that looked like the planet Saturn where you jump up and down on it like on a pogo stick. I never had one and I’m glad I didn’t. Unlike a skateboard or roller blades you can’t pull any sick moves or even go anywhere really.

Bed Bugs

Bed Bugs is the cheap game where you use chopsticks to pick up bugs while some adolescent boy sleeps in his bed. And his bed vibrates. I wonder who came up with that genius idea. Maybe they should have adult Bed Bugs where a couple are fucking and thus vibrating the bed and you have to pick used condoms.

Walky Talkies

“Delta here. Charlie all over the fucking place. Over.” “Geo here, napalm delivery is on the way. Over.” Walky Talkies were awesome as a kid. I think mine had a range of 500 feet! Years later my friends bought some expensive walkie talkies. We could even call across town. And then cell phones came along.

Crossfire and Rockem Sockem Robots

I have never actually played them because they looked stupid. The crossfire could be better if it was more like pinball, against someone else. And Rockem Sockem robots were retarded. It’s not like you can jab, block or even bite someone’s ear.

Construx

I have already written about my favorite toy Lego. But I also loved Construx. You connect plastic pieces together and make whatever you could dream of. My cousins even had the ones where they move. Yes. They move! KNEX are cool too. But I have nothing really to say about it. I just liked them, that’s all.

Light Brite

I remember a while ago I smoked a lot of weed and decided to rummage through my old toy box. Only it wasn’t a box but a giant egg that looked like Humpty Dumpty. Haha he humps and he takes a huge dump. Fun fact: nowhere in the nursery rhyme or story did it say Humpty was an egg. So I found my light brite and it was really trippy. I deiced to make a huge pot leaf.

Play-Doh

Play-Doh was fun because you could create anything you can think of. Such as dragons or hamburgers.  Too bad you couldn’t eat it. But mine harden after a while. Just like my dick after watching Sex and the City. Then they made toys to go with it. Like toys that made noodles, hair or shite.

Easy Bake Oven

If I knew you were coming I’d bake a cake. Bake a cake. Easy Baked Oven is a mini oven with a light bulb that cooks cookies. I love cookies but I never had one. I guess they were intended for little girls. I would love an Easy Big Mac Oven. I’m pretty sure they use the same light bulb as McDonalds.

Dolls that Piss

When I was wee one, I loved one stuffed animals. Especially my soccer ball popple. But I was scared of dolls. And I still am. My aunt had a ton of them and they gave me nightmares. I thought they would come alive and eat me in my sleep.

Then they had realistic dolls that cry or whatever. There were even dolls that pissed or throw up. Gross. Do little girls actually enjoy this? Maybe they should have geezer dolls where you have to change their diapers and give them medicine.

Then there were those expensive realistic dolls that high school students had to carry everywhere they go and feed them or rock them when they cry. I guess this is for all those dirty sluts to realize teen pregnancy isn’t fun. I would love to grab one and just throw it out the window. I don’t know if the baby doll dies but I bet they would lose points.

Talkboy

I always wanted a Talkboy. Basically Talkboys can record messages and change the speed of the messages. This can come handy when drinking. “I’m so fucking wasted man. And there is this hotty looking at my way. Time to turn on the Merchant charm.”

Do you ever hear yourself when you were recorded? In my head I sound like a suave double agent. When I hear my own voice I sound like a cartoon character. I also wonder if you could tell how hot a chick is by her voice. And would you go out with a lady even if she sounds like white trash? Sure they could be a total hotty but eventually you would get sick of hearing her talk.

Teddy Ruxpin

I just saw the movie Ted again the other day. Hilarious. My favorite part is when Ted and Mark fight. Or when Mark knocks out the fat kid. And Jackie is totally hot.

I have never seen a Teddy Ruxpin but my buddy had a fake one. Rux of course is the talking bear who moves his eyes and mouth and tells stories. He has a cassette player built in his back. I think the new ones have those USB memory sticks.

I don’t know what stories he tells. Maybe he tells of stories of getting drunk and doing some random stuffed animal slut. Or maybe the story of the Three Little Pigs. I don’t know. I had my mom to read me bed time stories and not a robotic bear.

Edward Scissor Hands

Edward Normal Hands

Edward Scissor Hands is a classic movie starring a young Johnny Depp as Edward. If you haven’t seen it then stop reading this blog because there are spoilers. And by spoilers, I mean I give away the whole damn movie. So go out and rent it at Blockbuster and watch it. And then you can enjoy this blog. Haha, Blockbuster. Who rents from there nowadays?

Do you ever hear the sang that “it’s only a movie”? Or ask “how could that possibly happen?” Often times my mom says why didn’t he just do that? Then there wouldn’t be a movie then would there. This happens in Edward Scissor Hands.

The movie begins with some old lady telling bed time stories to her granddaughter. She tells the story of Edward Scissor hands and why it snows there.

Obviously Edward has these scissor hands. They are kind of like Freddy Kruger’s claws only he can’t take them off. And unlike Wolverine he can’t retract them either. But what a badass. I wouldn’t fuck with him.

So there is this mad scientist that creates robots. Some of those robots make cookies for example. I have no idea how he sells them or if he eats them himself? Well crazy scientist picks up a heart shaped cookie and decides to make a robot with a heart. And he makes this robot with fucking razor sharp claws as hands. How could he give shake hands or give a high five?

Throughout the movie we hear that Edward was incomplete. And the scientist died right before he was about to give the freak hands. Which makes you think why he didn’t he just make him hands in the first place. Instead of making these weapons as hands. So this is when there wouldn’t be a movie if Eddy here got hands.

So why did loony scientist give him fucking scissors hands? What a sick fuck. I don’t know how he could survive without killing himself. First off how does dress himself? Or take a leak. Or jerk off. Then he could easily stab himself while he is sleeping. And have you ever heard your mom say don’t run with scissors. Haha, I guess Ed shouldn’t run at all. Haha.

The story beings on a suburban street with the same bright colored homes. And there are no token black people. Peg is an Avon lady going door to door trying to sell her beauty products. But nobody wants any. For one thing Peg isn’t exactly a beautiful person.

I mean, I could be in the middle of a dungeon in World Warcraft and be interrupted by someone who feels I need facial cleansers. Which I do, but I rather go to a store. It’s funny; a friend of mine is selling air purifiers or something dumb.

It reminds me when Mormons go to people’s homes trying to peddle their stupid religion. It’s almost like when you were kids and played nicki nicki nine doors. I preferred to go to rich people’s homes because it takes them longer to answer the door.

My mom actually invited some Mormons in so they can have a heated debate. They weren’t expecting that. I mean how many people do they actually convert into Morons anyway. If at all. Editor’s note: I accidently called them Morons instead of Mormons. I think that’s funny. But I’m actually considering to go to their insane masses and have a good laugh.

So Peg decides to go to the huge dark creepy mansion up on this tall cliff to sell some beauty products. Not the best idea because I don’t think people who live in haunted mansions care about their pores or finger nails. And wouldn’t the gothic mansion be an eyesore to everyone who lives there?

Peg goes to the front gate and when nobody answers she decides to sneak in. If she had any common sense she would leave right away. Of course then there wouldn’t be a movie now would there.

Peg sees all of these hedge sculptures and such. And she is amazed. Then she sees Edward and she freaks out. If I was her I’d run away and most likely piss in my pants. Then there wouldn’t be a movie no would there. But she has a change of heart and decides to take him home with her.

He meets Peg’s husband and son who initially freak out. But they soon like him. So Ed is having trouble eating with scissors as hands. But for Thanksgiving he could always carve the turkey. But I don’t know how he ate when he lived all by himself in the mansion. But hey, it’s a movie.

And for whatever stupid reason he sleeps on a water bed. And Ed pokes a hole and water shoots out everywhere. Who could see that coming? I remember my babysitter had a waterbed. It was fun. You’d think it would be comfortable but apparently it’s really bad for the back.

Everyone along the street are gossiping about this mysterious man. And there are a ton of cougars out on the prowl that are turned on by his claws. They hit on him every chance they get. Too bad they are all ugly. I don’t know why they would like to fuck him when he could accidently stab them. I’m sure he could still get a blow job.

So Edward puts the claws to good use and decides to cut people’s hedges. I don’t know why everyone has these huge hedges, but hey it’s just a movie. He does a good job even though I don’t know how he could reach the really tall ones. Unless he has a ladder.

Then he decides to give this poodle a nice trim. Redhead cougar sees this and asks for a haircut. So he gives all of the cougars haircuts. But they are just terrible, terrible haircuts. My mom used to give me haircuts. And now I’m balding on top and once you reach a certain point you might as well shave it all off. And now I’m really depressed.

So Peg forgets to tell her daughter Winona Ryder about a mysterious man with claws that is staying in her bedroom. She of course freaks out. I would too. And poor Edward falls for her. Too bad she has a boyfriend. He is the nerd from the Breakfast Club and wow he has filled out and became a tough guy. I will call him Asshole.

Winona, Asshole and some friends want to break into Ass’s own father’s place to steal shit. They bring Edward along so he could break the lock. But the alarms go off and they ditch Ed who couldn’t grab the damn door knob. Winona wants to go back and help him but is unable too.

Later on Edward carves an ice sculpture and Winona dances in the snow. I think she fell for him too. Remember this. But he accidently cuts her. So some shit goes down and stuff happens. I already returned the movie so everything is a bit hazy.

So Asshole is drunk and is about to hit Winona’s brother. Ed makes a daring rescue but cuts the kid’s arm. Everyone freaks out and they are pissed off. And Edward just loses it and then flees to the mansion.

Well Winona and Asshole follow him. Asshole assaults Winona and starts shooting at Edward. Then Ed stabs and kills Asshole. And then Winona tells everyone they both died. And then Winona shoplifts. Which makes you wonder how someone who should have so much money could stoop so low?

We are back with Winona as the old lady finishing her story to her granddaughter. And that when Edward carves his ice sculptures high up in the haunted mansion it snows. Unless I’m skiing or making a snowman I hate snow. Damn you Edward! I’m getting really pissed off with the snow. It’s June for Christ sakes.

Welcome to Canada

Border Runs

If you don’t know yet, I live in Sarnia Ontario, Canada (for those who don’t know where Ontario is) which boarders Port Huron, Michigan. There is the St. Clair River that divides us from our American neighbors. And we have two bridges, and ferry down south.

You can get a Nexus pass which is for frequent drivers so they can use the quicker Nexus lane. What really pisses off is when there is a long lineup and people try to bud in. My dad won’t give them an inch. If you do have a Nexus pass you put on your four ways to let everyone know. Then some asshole just thinks hey I will just skip everyone else too.

I know two custom officers that like to mess with people. Kind of like in Super Troopers. There is the meow game where you say meow as many times as possible. For example, when they mean “now” they say “meow”. Such as “can I have your passport meow?” One funny custom guy said “don’t look at me like that” and it startled me and I said I wasn’t. He was joking.

So years ago out of boredom I decided to cross the bridge and check out the mall. I got into the shortest line but it was still about a 20 minute wait. Everything was going smoothly until I noticed that they had a German Sheppard. As soon as I saw it, fear overcame my entire body, I was literally shaking.

It was the most intense and scariest moment of my life because I usually keep a small bag of weed, a pipe and a lighter in my cargo pants pocket. They started going along the rows of cars with the drug sniffing dog.

So I slowly checked my pockets and I was so relieved to find them empty. Actually I had a McDonald’s coupon. I was still a little nervous as the dog came by. All I wanted to do was give the biggest boot to the dog’s face because he suddenly stopped by my car. Just then I noticed that I had some ashes and small bits on the floor.

The officers immediately started interrogating me like I was a fucking terrorist. They were all like “whose car is this? Where are you going? Where is the weed? Why are you so nervous?” And I was like “I’m headed to the mall, this is my brother’s and my car. I don’t have any weed, but sometimes my brother leaves roaches in the ash tray. And I’m not nervous!” I was nervous.

The guy was yelling at me, “This is your last chance, tell me where the weed is.” So they searched my entire car while I had to fill out some forms and tests. They hated me, they were looking at me like I dealt crack.

I lied and I told them that the last time I smoked was years ago. And they were still like “nice hemp necklace!” I got a little scared when I had to rub my hands against this pad and I was about ready to give the most emotional heart to heart as to why I smoke weed.

But when they couldn’t find anything, they simply let me go. When it was all done and over with I realized how insane it is that marijuana is illegal. Just replace the word weed to cigarettes or vodka and you’ll know how I feel.

Years later my idiot brown friend smuggled weed from the States back into Canada. Great idea, that’s worth it. They totally racial profile brown people. Personally I can get weed pretty much anytime I feel like it. But I like to buy a lot each time to save the hassle.

He also tried to score weed at the hemp shop. Obviously they smoke weed but it’s not going to happen. I did buy a pipe for some underagers one time. I hope they got really high. It was my good deed of the day. 

If I was going to smuggle drugs over the river I’d get an old couple into the heist. They would drive an RV and load it up with stuff you’d normally bring if you were going to Vegas or wherever. Then I’d hide the narcotics in the Frosted Flakes, medicine or Grammy’s tampons. If old women still use tampons.

Or I would get a Nexus pass and regularly play soccer or work or make up something as to why I’m going to the States all of the time. Or maybe I’d take my chances on the ferry.

If you think gas is high in the States then try Canada. And it keeps going up and there’s nothing else to do except get a hybrid. In fact people will go over to the States just to fill up.

I don’t know why the price of gas fluctuates. Just keep it the same for at least a week at a time and save the headaches. There must be some evil underground council that decides the price for all of the gas stations.

The cool part of the U.S. is that you can buy beer anywhere, anytime for real cheap. So when the beer stores are closed and we want to get drunk that very night, we do a border run.

On the news I heard in the middle of winter some guy put on some scuba gear and put some coke in a waterproof container. He swam across the river in five in the morning and someone must have seen him and alerted the police. Now I forgot where he was going. I hope for his sake he was headed to Canada. Otherwise he’ll be sucking dick for a long fucking time.

The Mail

Extra Extra: Gregera Kicks Ass

I’m not sure how much a mailperson makes but my dream job would be a mailman living in Florida. It would be awesome just walking around in nice weather, waving to friendly old people as you pass by and listening to Tina Turner on my Ipod. “You’re my private dancer…”

I already walk around my town anyway. It’s fun. People spot me all of the time all over my city of Sarnia. Like I’m Waldo. And they wonder what I do or go exactly. Well I have missions. Yesterday my mission was to get stoned, go to Taco Bell and check out movies at the new movie store.

Today my mission was to get a new drivers license and health card. I must have picked the best possible time to go because my number was up next and it took me a whole three minutes to wait. And I didn’t realize that they do both at the same time.

My signature was God awful and I went over the box. It’s just that I don’t write anymore and I have become used to using the computer. And I have become completely dependent on spell check.  I just hope my picture isn’t as ugly as my former picture. And I wasn’t allowed to smile.

Anyway, I would prefer to go for jogs but I’m only 31 years young and have already fucked up my knees from various reasons. Mainly because I lifted too much weight at the gym. So be careful. Tomorrow my mission might me to go to the dollar store or defeat the manicore in his lair on Mitton Street.

But I’m getting sick of my city. I loved living in London because there’s more to do, places to go and bars to get my drink on. And more shopping. Yes, I’m very metro. If it wasn’t for my family I would move to bigger city. Like L.A. and become an actor. I just don’t know anything about immigration laws and such.

If I could get my mom’s car, I would love to drive to Toronto in nice weather, maybe to see my college roommate and friends and go on an adventure all over the place. Like going to Little China and buying whale teeth and pirated movies and video games on the black market. I just hope I don’t wake up in some alley with one of my kidneys removed. I’m saving it to sell so I have enough money to buy a karaoke machine.

I used to be an excellent paperboy so I know my stuff. I delivered for the Sarnia Observer. I joined the paperperson career a little too late. Most paperboys are usually in grade five or so. I became one in grade nine. Yes, I was a high school paperboy up until grade eleven.  

I used to play the Paperboy on the Nintendo. Who would have thought that a game where you deliver newspapers would be so much fun? I don’t think Garbage Man or Milkman would be as good. So you toss papers at people’s homes and avoid bees and drunks.

Imagine you could do that in real life where you don’t give a shit if you smash people’s windows. I also wonder why someone would get their dog to retrieve the paper when it gets slob all over it. It’s a few feet, get it yourself lazy.

Anyway, people liked me because I was polite and delivered on time. Even on Saturday mornings. The former paperboy wasn’t quite so. For example one household had paid him months in advance even though you’re not supposed to do that. So he quits and got away with like a $50. The Observer compensated.

I wish I had the job earlier because that three bucks a day would go a long way as a kid. At the time my allowance was pretty much three bucks a week and I got only five bucks for mowing the lawn. I would buy stuff such as trading cards, cheap video games, candy and ministicks to name a few. Now I get $50 a week for doing next to nothing.

I had the perfect route. I delivered to all of my neighbors, and my own parents, around a loop. It took me only like ten minutes and I listened to my handheld cassette player. I had a couple of mixed tapes, some that I recorded off the radio. “Yes, it’s the Abercrombie and Fitch song! I better hurry up.”

All my neighbors were friendly and gave me good tips. Except for one dick who didn’t like me cutting across his lawn. Yes, his precious lawn. Its not like I’m ruining it or anything. After all he has to cut it. “You better stay the fuck off my lawn. I just got it fertilized asshole.”

However I broke my leg playing hockey and had a cast on for five long months. The good part of it was that I actually had worker insurance. So my friend covered for me and I got free money. The bad part was the cast was itchy as fuck.

The Observer has a few sections. It used to come with its own TV guide. It came in handy by knowing what the week had in store. So I could find out the time of any movies or shows. “What’s this? Judge Dread is on Friday at 8:00pm. I better keep my Friday night open. And a Golden Girls marathon! Fucking eh.”

The entertainment section is entertaining but I rather just go online and catch up on my gossip. And I don’t like the Observer’s critics and their reviews. They will give a movie like Anchorman 2 two stars. Sure it wasn’t as good as the first one and was a little racist, but it was far better than the other choices. And my friend Kevin called me Brick.

I don’t know why, but my mom regularly checks the obituaries. So you find out who croaked. When I die, I want a full front page dedicated to me, of me riding a unicorn. You also see birthdays and special occasions. Like when some old dude lived to be over a century, some ugly people get married or when Kevin became a doctor. And ladies, he’s single.

The local news is so boring. Except when something horrible or sensational happens. Like if in Chemical Valley some unfortunate soul falls off the rail 200 feet to his death. I realize they try to show positive things. Like some kid made the tallest snowman. In fact my mom was in the paper a long time ago when she worked in the hospital.

I love playing sports, but I don’t need to know that the Sting hockey team lost another game or know the results of a stupid lacrosse match. But we still have a picture of my brother playing soccer when he was a lad. He was the athlete, I was the nice one.

I could never play any of the word games like crossword puzzles, sudoku or word searches. I don’t have any sort of vocabulary and I get tired of erasing my sudoku numbers. And word searches are something you do in elementary school. Like when you have a bible word search. “Yes, I found the holy grail. And yes I found the word shit.”

And of course there is the comic strip section. My mom likes Zits. My dad likes the Broons. And I like Garfield. Oh Garfield, you’re a cat, you should be eating Friskies, not lasagna. I wonder if he takes catnip to calm his nerves or take shits in a litter box. And why does he hate Mondays so much. He doesn’t have a job or anything. Like me.

However the mailman is a dying breed. Now people get their news online or on the television. And people pay bills and whatnot also online. So I hear on the news, haha, that in the near future people will have to go to the mail drop off thing to pick it up their mail. That would suck.

And I don’t know who would deliver the flyers then? I might miss out on a sale at Leons. Of course the only mail I get is a Christmas card from the Wilson family, a birthday card from my godmother and free trips to Mexico. But I never heard back from Paul McCarthy or Cher.

My Dad is Going to Kill Me

The Garage Door Accident

I have done so many idiotic things in my life. I have been called Brick on three separate occasions. But I already wrote a blog about my intelligence. And how I don’t give a fuck. The weird thing was I used to be really good at math in elementary school. Now I can barely count my change.

And yet I have also been called a smart guy by people I just met. Such as when I was chatting with some girl on the train or playing poker with some people. I guess they didn’t really get to know me.  If I only don’t say anything, people would assume I’m alright. But I still do. Like when I talk about video games, weed or my favorite parts in movies.

Even my aunt thought some of my blogs were clever. So naturally my mom wants to know what I have been writing all of these years. But I won’t tell her because I write about religion, doing drugs and getting wasted. And I don’t think my mom would appreciate my humor.

And I promised my mom that I stopped smoking the ganja. And when see found my pipe and a bag of weed under my bed I told her not to throw it out. Please. She gives me some excuse why she was under my bed. Like she was going to vacuum under my bed.

I remember my first day at college I brought a small safe with my shrooms and weed. My dad somehow found the key and opened it so he could put more stuff in it. Or that’s what he said. So he finds the illegal drugs and we had a discussion. I told him I would be careful and that would he rather me get drunk instead?

And my mom thinks weed is a drug and is illegal and is therefore wrong. And I could go to jail. “I won’t allow that filth in my house.” Yes the cops are just going to randomly search my room with a hunch and arrest me for possession of half quarter of marijuana.

They would be like “well Johnson, that’s one more criminal off the streets.” “Yes, Tim, no more stoner smoking weed behind the church, eating starburst and then going home to watch South Park.” “Ha! South Park. They’re all the same.” “Yes, and now lets get some donuts.” “I like the brown ones.” (that was a classic line from my brown friend about brown popsicles.)

In fact I don’t tell my mom funny stories anymore because she uses it against me. For example I was walking home from a friend’s place and these two punk kids started to make fun of me. One said “who the fuck are you?” And I responded with “Greg, who the fuck are you?” Then they made fun of my name and called me a drunk. I called them fags. So he pushed me and I split back to my buddies place and they ran away.

So I told my parents because I thought it was funny. My dad said to go for the weaker one and go for his nose. My mom just flipped. And now my mom doesn’t like me walking after ten. I’m an idiot. This happens all of the fucking time.

Since I don’t believe in the good Lord, I blame fate. Oh damn you fate, why me? My life is like the movie a Series of Unfortunate Events. There are so many minor things that have made such a dramatic impact on my life. If only my time machine actually worked.

So I just got my first parking ticket. I didn’t even see it on the dashboard until my mom informed me about it. I look at the street name and realize it was when I parked downtown. There was a lot of snow so I couldn’t see the parking lines and I guess if there was a sign then I didn’t see it.

The worst part was that I was in and out of the store for only five minutes. So it just happened to be that some meter maid just so happened be around and just so happened that meter maid gave me the ticket. I think she was waiting for a bust. I hope they hate their job. I mean would you enjoy being a prick and cost people money for parking ten minutes longer on a two hour parking spot?

It’s not like they’re getting any of the money like they’re on commission. Would their boss be like “well my asshole meter maid, you only issued a dozen tickets today? I want you to screw more people. If they’re an inch over the line, give them a $2,000 ticket.”

Luckily it was my first ticket and was only thirty bucks; so my mom wasn’t that upset. However I could have done a lot with those thirty bucks. Like buy some Corona or bet on some race horses.

Then the next day I broke our garage door. Yes, I forgot to open the garage door and reversed my mom’s car right into it. And I’m like fuck me. Fuck me hard. It was pretty bad.

I freak out and tell my mom. She really freaked out. I said “I can’t take this; I’m going for a walk.” I felt horrible and was thinking how much this is going to cost. I thought maybe ten grand. And my dad is going to kill me. Oh shit.

The worst part is it didn’t have to happen. First off, I was going to go to the mall and Burger King to get a junior whopper, onion rings with zesty sauce and mozza sticks. If only I stayed home ate some delicious Kraft dinner instead.

I was going to walk to the mall but it was a little chilly out so my mom said I could take her car. It just so happened to snow so my mom parked in the garage. And my mom asked if I needed her help backing out of the garage so I don’t scratch my dad’s jaguar. I said no. The whole time I didn’t want to scratch my dad’s jaguar and was looking at it and then bang.

So I’m walking and thinking of excuses and playing the blame game. Like I never asked to be born. Or that I don’t have a good memory. “Ya, dad. I did it on purpose. I thought hey, lets drive right through the garage door.”

So while I was gone, my mom called my dad. And yes, he was pissed off. Very pissed off. He was furious. My dad was going to reduce my allowance to only $20 and not let me drive the car for two whole months. But after a while he cooled down.

They just so happened to find my walking down the street and picked me up. Oh shit, its time for some serious acting. My dad was still mad but shit happens. He of course once had the SUV halfway out the garage and wasn’t thinking when he opened the trunk to put the hockey bag in and hit the garage door.

He estimated the replacement to cost $3,000. And it was. The garage door people showed up right away and they fixed the huge dent and my dad taped the glass windows. Good, so now punk kids won’t steal shit from our garage or the jag won’t get scratched by snow, ice and shit.

But three grand? That’s a Florida trip right there. And that would take all of my mom’s frugal shopping and clipping coupons to make up for it. Oh what I could do with that money? However I still get the car and I’m sure I will get my $50 allowance again. Or there goes my fast food addiction.

The Roast of My College Roommates

Stewie

My first year as Western University was awesome. I lived in a new dorm where you and three other roomies share a common room and kitchen. With cable! My whole hallway took the same classes and we all hung out and hit the bars together. And I was using and dealing weed and mushrooms. Very trippy. Very fun.

My roommates and everybody were cool but the life of the party was Stewie. I came a day later and thought that was his real name. Apparently he cooked some stew or soup and that became his nickname. His real name was Jason. If you care. And we called my brown roomy Brown Town.

As I said, he was a big fat party animal. Just like Pluto. He was hilarious. Everyone loved getting high with him. Especially the ladies. Yes the ladies loved him but he wasn’t getting any action. It might be that all of the chicks were just way too hot and there were not really any homely or other fat girls.

So everyone was putting up posters and we both had Scar Face posters. What an awesome movie; the end is the best. Yes we had the same taste in movies and T.V. But he loved wrestling. I thought it was gay. And he called one of my favorite shows Kids in the Hall gay. Okay, the one guy is flaming. But I told him he has to see their movie Brain Candy. He loved it.

My beef with Stew was that he had shitty taste in music. Like Nickelback or Edwin. He especially played a lot of Creed, really loud. The guy can’t sing worth shit and all of his songs are about is Jesus. “We arms wide open…”

My French Roommate

My second year at college I lucked out and got my own room again. Good thing because I would hate to share a room with another dude. I don’t know how that would work. I mean do you go to go to sleep at the same time. “Goodnight Greg.” “Goodnight frog. Hey frog, do you listen to French rock music? Oh never mind. Good night.”

In the first semester this French foreign exchange student also had his own room next to mine and we shared a bathroom. I don’t know if he put all of his toiletries back in his room each time he used them because I never seen any of his soap or shampoo in the bathroom. I hope he wasn’t using mine. He never even drank our water. I mean we have crisp fresh water. I guess he is used to his piss poor Paris sewer water.

He spoke English well. Even better than me. I mean even better than I. But we never really had an actual conversation. Classes were a breeze and I had them on Monday through to Wednesday. So I had a huge fucking long weekend. The problem was everyone in my hall was 18. Sure I bought everyone booze and we played a lot of drinking games but I had nobody to go to the bars with me.  Except Frenchy.

So I went to the bar alone on a Wednesday to get my drink on. And I ran into him. He was with his other foreign friends. I said hi and he said hi but he didn’t even introduce me to them. So a few weeks later I saw him again and he barely acknowledged me. So I thought screw it be a foreign asshole. Go back to France, wear a beret and drink your wine.

Later on I was trying to get up early and hit the snooze button two times. I didn’t even know he could hear it. But I woke him up. Okay my bad. But all he had to do is ask me to just get up the first time my alarm goes off. No he came over and was totally pissed off and told me to “turn it off, I’m not going to say it again.” And that was the last time we ever spoke.

The next semester there was this Russian student that sounded British for some reason. He was very well mannered and the first time we chatted he said we should get acquainted.

Again I invited him to the bar but he was always busy. He never left his room expect to go to class. You come all the way from Russia to stay in a small room and miss out in the college experience. I guess Mother Russia wanted to send this nerd to impress people instead of some party animal. Or maybe he was a spy.

Jerome

My third year college classes were much tougher than the past two. Again I got my own room and shared a common room with two other guys. With cable! There was my favorite roommate JP McCool and my nice and friendly roommate Jerome.

However for being a Jamaican, my roommate Jerome was the most uptight person I have ever met. And he didn’t even smoke weed. I think there is an unspoken rule that if you’re Jamaican you can smoke the ganja where ever you go.

He had some awesome dreadlocks. Then his ex-girl friend cut them off. And I’m like why?! I don’t know how long it takes to grow them, braid them and go without washing them? Speaking of ex-girlfriend, she hung around all of the time. Without being a fuck buddy.

Me and my other roommate McCool became great friends and Jerome felt left out. But we asked him all of the time if he wants to drink some beer, watch a movie, go to the bar with us.  Or just shoot the shit. When his birthday came around he actually wrote down a message asking his friends to come to his birthday. That’s funny.

Of course he can’t drink worth a damn. I heard he was puking all over the toilet. Good thing he had his own bathroom. I don’t even remember the last time I puked all over the toilet. Haha. Because I don’t make it to one in time. Haha.

There was this long running joke since the first few days Jerome couldn’t find his tape. He kept asking us all of the time if we seen his tape. Look Jerome, me and JP don’t have your damn tape, it must be in your room or the common room. I didn’t even know why he wanted tape, but whatever.

I should have just bought him another one because he was clearly too damn cheap to buy it himself. Then the last day he picked up his text book and his tape was there all along. I still don’t know why he didn’t move the book earlier or need the text book in the first place.

JP McCool

McCool was my favorite college roommate and good friend. What a McCool name. That year would have sucked balls without him. Sure the first few weeks I went to the bar with some people down the hall. It was fun but nobody smoked weed and I didn’t have much in common. And I kind of pissed off some of them when I left the bar really drunk and they looked all over for me.

I remember this plump girl wanted me to get facebook. And I was thinking what the Hell is facebook? It took me a while to finally get one. Then I wrote a series of these stupid long ass comments that I thought were funny and lost a lot of my friends. But this gave birth to this very blogpage where I can write about anything I want. Like Frisbee golf or leprechauns.

At the time I was pretty fat. I really let myself go. Oh Big Macs and loneliness are a dangerous mix. I guess it’s because I love to eat. And me and JP love our Kraft dinner. He had like a cauldron and we would share two or more boxes of Kraft dinner or Kraft brunch.

So I didn’t have much chance with any decent looking chicks. Even though girls have low standards. And my pal Wilson made fun of me. I now lost over 30 pounds and almost have a six pack. Hello ladies.

JP is a smart guy. After all he went to a private school. I knew a guy at soccer who also attended private school. He was very kind but he didn’t really have much social skills.  

But JP was McCool.

I think JP majored in physics and messed around with lasers. He is like the guys off of the Big Bang Theory. But not so much of a nerd. So he really helped me out with a lot of math. I was hoping he could have took the exam in my place.

Speaking of exams, I’m pretty damn good at them. I suck at essay questions or fill in the blanks but if I see the options I can tell the right answer. “Oh teach, you would want me to pick A wouldn’t you?” I take my time and wait till the very end to hand it in. I go through the whole exam for questions I’m certain of. And then I go through it again a little slower and leave the ones I have no clue till the end.

Too bad I really had to go the bathroom during one. I was about to shit my pants and couldn’t wait an hour. So I explained my situation to the T.A. and it worked out anyway.

Now this is getting way, way off topic but I was watching what I think was British Who Wants to be a Millionaire and one of the answers was obviously the letter B. But the letter B was actually on the option C. If you see what I’m getting at. And it fucked with his mind. So he picked option B and lost. It was almost unbearable to watch.

While off topic; one time the hall monitor came by because the bitches across the hall wanted us to turn down the volume. Look if its too loud than just swing on by and just ask. You know, instead of tattling on us. And the janitor broke my Wii cables but didn’t take any responsibility. And I missed Wii bowling.

We had some good times. Good thing me and JP love to drink beer and we didn’t like dance bars. The second semester we both took astronomy on Monday and had no classes on Tuesday. Astronomy was a joke. Even for me. And the campus bar was right around the corner.

I had a credit card which was like free money and we’d get two or more pitchers of beer. Each. And maybe some fries. Each. We met some interesting people. I remember we were chatting with this hot chick that was going out with her professor. Hilarious.

We would then walk home all drunk and call the lesbians at the all-women’s dorm, lesbians. Or quote Grandma’s boy. “I want metal legs.” On weekends we would bar hop all down Richmond Street and get pizza. Yes we had some adventures. And I’m planning making some more when I visit the T.O. whenever the weather isn’t like absolute zero.