The End of the World is Coming

Prologue

It’s finally here. The massive Armageddon blog. No Christians or believers. Read at your own risk.

If you could ask God one thing, what would it be? Normally people might ask why are we here or what is the point of life? Or who really killed Nicole Brown and Ronald Lyle Goldman.

My question would be, if God created everything and is all knowing, then why did He create the Devil in the first place. That’s right, if God created everything, then He created the Devil and He knew the Devil would become evil. Checkmate.

I’m an idiot. I know that. But there are so many smarter people that believe in God and everything. I find it wishful thinking. People are hoping that there is this God looking after them and they will go to Heaven when they die. They don’t want to really think for themselves.

Its nuts. Imagine your mom stated praising Zeus and the Greek gods. And she would sacrifice goats, believe in monsters with dozen of eyes and other nonsense. That’s how I feel about Christians and other religions.

And wait, they actually do sacrifice goats, believe in monsters with dozen eyes and other nonsense.

Anyway, I always hear that the end is coming soon. Everyone thinks that with so much war and destruction going on, the end will come in their lifetime. And that we will face God our maker and be judged and whatever.

I wish God could give us a date or heads up on when the world ends. I’ll admit, it’s brilliant because again everyone would be on their toes and always think that the end is near.

I think everyone should relax. The end of the world will happen when the Sun dies in about five billion years or so. That’s a long fucking time. There is the distinct possibility that human race will find a way to live on. Who knows?

Most of my friends believe God, Heaven, Hell and everything that comes with the territory. But have you actually read the bible? I don’t know if Christians don’t want to out of boredom or because they might read something they don’t like. Because there is a shitload of fucked up shit in there.

The more I know about the bible and religion, the more I feel that it is so messed up. Had my mom not been so hardcore religious than I might have still believed in all of it. Because my mom has been right about pretty much everything else growing up. By the way I hate when she thanks the Lord for a good parking spot.

Funny story though about my mom’s car. The passenger side window would work and the driver could raise and lower it. But the passenger couldn’t. And no, there is no child lock. So we went to the garage and the warranty expired a month ago. So we decided just to leave it. Then I forgot about it and tried to lower the window to get some wind and it somehow miraculously worked. And my mom thanked the Lord. True story. I’ll admit, it was uncanny. But still a huge coincidence and not a miracle.

So I have been reading verses of Revelations and had a good laugh. It’s so contrived and ridiculous. But it’s in the bible, so it has to be right. Right? Otherwise the integrity of other parts of the Bible might also collapse too. I mean you can’t just pick and choose which parts are be taking literally and not literally.

I said this before but Noah’s Arc never happened. It’s impossible for one man to travel all over the world and gather two of every animal and bring them back to this huge boat that he built himself. Then he would have to feed them and make sure they don’t kill each other for weeks on end. I would love for him to catch two crocodiles, two anacondas and two lions. Or even insects. Check mate.

You’re just stupid and crazy if you do believe that. So if it’s supposed to not be taken literally than why is it in the Bible? What is the moral or point of this story? That God is an evil dick that drowns little kids? It would have been much easier if he just gave the human race some disease for evil people.

I also wrote about my favorite part of the Bible, Geneses, and a long time ago. It’s completely made up. Back then people didn’t know that the Universe is fucking massive and that it has been around for billions and billions of years. And that the world and us people are just incredibly insignificant. We are like ants. And nobody gives a shit about ants. Especially one ant. That’s you.

So it took him like a day to make billions and billions of stars and the whole damn Universe but a few days to make animals and such. And he took Sunday off so he can relax and watch football. And now we can’t go to Wal-Mart on Sundays.

The reason I wrote this, is if the world is so wonderful, then why does he want to destroy it? Of course it only took him six days to create it, I’m sure he could create another one in a week. With Ewoks. Secondly, if He destroys the Universe, then where is this allusive Heaven?

Again I already wrote about Heaven but where the Hell is it? If Jesus rose from the dead then is it up in the clouds? Because we’d see it by now and it would be way overcrowded.  So where in the Universe is Heaven? We have telescopes that can see galaxies millions of light years away. I’d think we would eventually see it. I seriously like to know more about Heaven.

If it is out there in the Universe would it have to obey the same physical laws as everywhere else? Think about that. I don’t even know if it’s on a planet or nexus or what? If it is on planet than would it need a sun. And if there is a sun, then that sun will die and so would Heaven. But Heaven lives on forever.

My theory is if there was a Heaven, than it would be in another dimension.

Armageddon

Anyway I’m paraphrasing and summarizing the following paragraph from Wiki encyclopedia about Armageddon:

So Armageddon is when the Messiah will return to Earth and defeat the Anti-Christ or Satan in the battle of Armageddon. Then the Devil will be put into the bottomless pit or abyss for a thousand years.  Once he’s escapes he summons his evil friends and surround Jerusalem. Then God will shoot fire down from Heaven and defeat the Devil’s henchman and be thrown into some burning lake of fire. With brimstone.

Hmm. So why doesn’t God get off His mighty ass and defeat the Devil now? What is He waiting for? Secondly there is no such thing as bottomless pits. Except in Star Wars. And why not leave the Devil there forever? And thirdly where is this burning lake of fire? With brimstone.

So if you don’t believe me about how messed up the bible is, here are some fucked up passages from Revelations in the Good Book.

Isaiah 13:6

“Wail, for the day of the Lord is near; as destruction from the Almighty it will come!’

First off I’m a man and I don’t cry or wail. Unless I get hit in the junk with a golf ball. That would hurt. But I used to cry a lot as a kid. Like when my hamster died or when they cancelled the Golden Girls.

So God is going to destroy everything eventually. Um would it be too much to ask when exactly this destruction occurs? That way I would spend all of my money on drugs and hookers.

Revelations 1:9-11
“I, John, your brother and partner in the tribulation and the kingdom and the patient endurance that are in Jesus, was on the island called Patmos on account of the word of God and the testimony of Jesus. ¹⁰ I was in the Spirit on the Lord's day, and I heard behind me a loud voice like a trumpet ¹¹ saying, “Write what you see in a book and send it to the seven churches, to Ephesus and to Smyrna and to Pergamum and to Thyatira and to Sardis and to Philadelphia and to Laodicea.”

I think John made it all up. If someone today said they saw Jesus or angels, we would probably think they’re nuts. And he talks about trumpets a lot. But it would be cool to hear trumpets whenever I step outside.

Revelations 2: 18

“And to the angel of the church in Thyatira write: ‘The words of the Son of God, who has eyes like a flame of fire, and whose feet are like burnished bronze.”

I always pictured Jesus having hazel eyes. And normal feet.

Revelations 3:1

“And to the angel of the church in Sardis write: ‘The words of him who has the seven spirits of God and the seven stars.”

Um, I thought there was only one spirit. The Holy Spirit. And the seven stars sounds like Mario RPG for the Super Nintendo. Awesome game. I could easily beat it but I could never defeat the Final Fantasy final boss in the monster village.

Revelations 3:7

“And to the angel of the church in Philadelphia write: ‘The words of the holy one, the true one, who has the key of David, who opens and no one will shut, who shuts and no one opens.”
This sounds like a tongue twister. It’s a bit confusing.

Revelations 4:1-6

“After this I looked, and behold, a door standing open in heaven! And the first voice, which I had heard speaking to me like a trumpet, said, “Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this.” ² At once I was in the Spirit, and behold, a throne stood in heaven, with one seated on the throne. ³ And he who sat there had the appearance of jasper and carnelian, and around the throne was a rainbow that had the appearance of an emerald. ⁴ Around the throne were twenty-four thrones, and seated on the thrones were twenty-four elders, clothed in white garments, with golden crowns on their heads. ⁵ From the throne came flashes of lightning, and rumblings and peals of thunder, and before the throne were burning seven torches of fire, which are the seven spirits of God, ⁶ and before the throne there was as it were a sea of glass, like crystal.”

Wow I never imagined Heaven would be like that. I always thought St. Peter would be at the pearly gates and you would have to take a number and wait in a long ass line. But hey you have all of the time in the Heaven. I thought there would be clouds, cupids and unicorns. And you see your dead relatives and play a lot of putt, putt with Jesus.

This interpretation sounds like from the Lord of the Rings. Awesome books and movies. But the end kept on going.

Revelations 4:7-9

“And around the throne, on each side of the throne, are four living creatures, full of eyes in front and behind: ⁷ the first living creature like a lion, the second living creature like an ox, the third living creature with the face of a man, and the fourth living creature like an eagle in flight. ⁸ And the four living creatures, each of them with six wings, are full of eyes all around and within, and day and night they never cease to say,

“Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty,
    who was and is and is to come!””

That’s messed up. It reminds me of Lo Pan’s floating eye creature.

Revelations 6:7-8
“When he opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature say, “Come!” ⁸ And I looked, and behold, a pale horse! And its rider's name was Death, and Hades followed him. And they were given authority over a fourth of the earth, to kill with sword and with famine and with pestilence and by wild beasts of the earth.”

Hades sounds like Hades from Greek mythology or Diablo 2. And those wild beasts sounds like an episode of when animals attack.

Revelations 7:1-4

“After this I saw four angels standing at the four corners of the earth, holding back the four winds of the earth, that no wind might blow on earth or sea or against any tree. ² Then I saw another angel ascending from the rising of the sun, with the seal of the living God, and he called with a loud voice to the four angels who had been given power to harm earth and sea, ³ saying, “Do not harm the earth or the sea or the trees, until we have sealed the servants of our God on their foreheads.” ⁴ And I heard the number of the sealed, 144,000, sealed from every tribe of the sons of Israel”

Wow I didn’t quite get this. How does one man see four angels standing at the four corners of the Earth without satellites? And the world is round. And what do the tribes of the sons of Israel have to do with anything?

Revelations 8:6-13
“The Seven Trumpets
Now the seven angels who had the seven trumpets prepared to blow them.
⁷ The first angel blew his trumpet, and there followed hail and fire, mixed with blood, and these were thrown upon the earth. And a third of the earth was burned up, and a third of the trees were burned up, and all green grass was burned up.
⁸ The second angel blew his trumpet, and something like a great mountain, burning with fire, was thrown into the sea, and a third of the sea became blood. ⁹ A third of the living creatures in the sea died, and a third of the ships were destroyed.
¹⁰ The third angel blew his trumpet, and a great star fell from heaven, blazing like a torch, and it fell on a third of the rivers and on the springs of water. ¹¹ The name of the star is Wormwood. A third of the waters became wormwood, and many people died from the water, because it had been made bitter.
¹² The fourth angel blew his trumpet, and a third of the sun was struck, and a third of the moon, and a third of the stars, so that a third of their light might be darkened, and a third of the day might be kept from shining, and likewise a third of the night.
¹³ Then I looked, and I heard an eagle crying with a loud voice as it flew directly overhead, “Woe, woe, woe to those who dwell on the earth, at the blasts of the other trumpets that the three angels are about to blow!””

It goes on and on. Hmm. A great star fell from Heaven? This was long before people have heard of the Universe and that stars are like the sun and are actually giant burning balls of hydrogen.

Revelations 9: 20

^“The rest of mankind, who were not killed by these plagues, did not repent of the works of their hands nor give up worshiping demons and idols of gold and silver and bronze and stone and wood, which cannot see or hear or walk, ²¹ nor did they repent of their murders or their sorceries or their sexual immorality or their thefts.”

I’m starting to think God is a pessimist and is incredibly insecure. Again all I hear about is false gods and sins.

Revelation 12:7-9

^“Now war arose in heaven, Michael and his angels fighting against the dragon. And the dragon and his angels fought back, ⁸ but he was defeated, and there was no longer any place for them in heaven. ⁹ And the great dragon was thrown down, that ancient serpent, who is called the devil and Satan, the deceiver of the whole world—he was thrown down to the earth, and his angels were thrown down with him.”

That would make a cool movie.

Revelations 13:1-4

“And I saw a beast rising out of the sea, with ten horns and seven heads, with ten diadems on its horns and blasphemous names on its heads. ² And the beast that I saw was like a leopard; its feet were like a bear's, and its mouth was like a lion's mouth. And to it the dragon gave his power and his throne and great authority. ³ One of its heads seemed to have a mortal wound, but its mortal wound was healed, and the whole earth marveled as they followed the beast. ⁴ And they worshiped the dragon, for he had given his authority to the beast, and they worshiped the beast, saying, “Who is like the beast, and who can fight against it?”

This is my all-time favorite passage from the bible. It sounds like something out of Clash of the Titans or Godzilla. How could you believe in monsters and all of this nonsense?

Revelations 14:14-20

“Behold, the day of the Lord comes, cruel, with wrath and fierce anger, to make the land desolation and to destroy its sinners from it.”

First off St. John loves using the word “behold.” As do I. “Behold, I am Gregera. Fear me or die!” So God is pissed off. I guess he’s on his period.

Secondly I’m sick and tired of hearing about sinners. Sinner this, sinner that. What have they all done to piss off God so much? “Well sinner. When your child scraped his knee you purchased some band-aids on a Sunday! Since I rested on a Sunday you can’t buy stuff. You will burn in Hell for all eternity!”

Also I said this earlier but what the fuck does it mean when Jesus died for our sins. How does people crucifying God’s only son somehow nullify us doing terrible things? “Well I killed little Timmy, but somehow some dude getting nailed to a cross makes it okay.”

Revelations 16: 17-21

^“The seventh angel poured out his bowl into the air, and a loud voice came out of the temple, from the throne, saying, “It is done!” ¹⁸ And there were flashes of lightning, rumblings peals of thunder, and a great earthquake such as there had never been since man was on the earth, so great was that earthquake. ¹⁹ The great city was split into three parts, and the cities of the nations fell, and God remembered Babylon the great, to make her drain the cup of the wine of the fury of his wrath. ²⁰ And every island fled away, and no mountains were to be found. ²¹ And great hailstones, about one hundred pounds each, fell from heaven on people; and they cursed God for the plague of the hail, because the plague was so severe.”

There were actually seven bowls of bad stuff but it was really, really long. I wonder what the weather station reported? There is a 90% chance of lightning and thunder. Some earthquakes hitting 5.0 on the Richter scale and 100 pound hail falling from Heaven.

Revelations 19: 2

“Hallelujah! (I know what you’re thinking Stix)
Salvation and glory and power belong to our God,
²     for his judgments are true and just;
for he has judged the great prostitute
    who corrupted the earth with her immorality,
and has avenged on her the blood of his servants”

I think I missed something. What does some great hooker have to do with anything?

Revelations 21:1-4

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. ² And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. ³ And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.⁴ He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

Um so Jerusalem came down out of Heaven from God? And there is a new Earth and Heaven? And why didn’t God get it right the first time. So no more death, mourning, crying or pain. Sounds dandy to me.

Revelations 19:17-18

^“Then I saw an angel standing in the sun, and with a loud voice he called to all the birds that fly directly overhead, “Come, gather for the great supper of God, ¹⁸ to eat the flesh of kings, the flesh of captains, the flesh of mighty men, the flesh of horses and their riders, and the flesh of all men, both free and slave, both small and great.””

What!? What’s with the cannibalism? That sounds like a pagan ritual.

Revelations 22:20-21

“He who testifies to these things says, “Surely I am coming soon.” Amen. Come, Lord Jesus!
The grace of the Lord Jesus be with all. Amen.”

That’s all folks. And I’m going to Hell.

T.V. Mascots

The Hamburger Helper Hand

There is the weird Helping Hand thing. He helps my mom make delicious Hamburger Helper lasagna. And he gives hand jobs on the side.

Chester Cheetah

Chester Cheetah is the hip Cheetos mascot. I remember I was eating some delicious Cheetos at the mall and spent the entire day with that orange shit on my teeth. But it was worth it.

Taco Bell Chihuahua

Normally I’m not a big fan of chihuahuas. I think they’re small and ugly and look like a rat. But the Mexican Taco Bell mascot is pretty funny. I really love fries supreme and taco pizzas. Mmm.

Rice Crispy Elves

There are the gay Rice Crispy elves; Snap, Crackle and Pop. I guess that’s because you hear that sound when you eat Rice Crispy cereal. But don’t get them mixed up with the Narcotic elves Smack, Crack and Pot. And I totally love Rice Crispy Squares. Mmm.

Mr. Clean

Mr. Clean is a badass that hates dirt and grime. He’s bald, has some huge pecks and is in overall good shape. I wouldn’t fuck with him. And he has an earring and crosses his arm so that he looks like a genie. And one of my favorite Millencolin songs is Mister Clean.

Pillsbury Doughboy

“Poke me and die.” Pillsbury Doughboy, or his other alias Poppin Fresh, is the funny and friendly mascot of Pillsbury. Hoo-hoo. I fucking love their crescents. Hoo-hoo. He looks like some white dooey creature on acid. Hoo-hoo. And people like poking him on the belly. Hoo-hoo.

Green Giant

Ho, ho, ho Green Giant. Green Giant is the vegetable mascot that doesn’t wear pants. Now imagine you are looking at him from the ground up and you see that giant green dick of his just dangling there. That would be gross. He should also be the mascot of marijuana. Ha, ha, ha Weed Giant.

McGruff

McGruff is or was the police mascot. He was the talking dog wearing a trench coat. I don’t know if they had to put him down because of rabies or he got shot because I haven’t seen him on T.V. for a while. But he wants you to take a bite out of crime! You hear that criminals? He’s going to bite that tax evasion. And he hates drugs.

Tootsie Pop Owl

So some stupid kid goes around asking random animals how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.  But the owl could only lick it like three times until he bites it. That’s not good for your teeth. Or beaks. Hey kid, who gives a fuck. And the number of licks varies from different people or owls. So why not just try it out for yourself.

Uncle Ben and Aunt Jamima

Normally I don’t like vegetables besides Caesar salad, asparagus and Uncle Ben’s rice. You’d think Uncle Ben would be Asian because I thought they made it in Vietnam rice patties. I also love delicious Aunt Jamima syrup on my pancakes. And I know everyone is thinking hey did Uncle Ben and Aunt Jamima ever hook up?

Snuggles Bear

Snuggles Bear is the mascot of Snuggles fabric softener. My mom does my laundry and I don’t even know what fabric softener does. I guess it makes your clothes softer? So I looked up Snuggle commercials on Youtube. They were a combination of real Snuggles commercials and parodies of Snuggles. And they are both creepy as fuck. “Oh these underwear are so, so, soft. Haha, this bra is so, so soft.”

Eminems

I love peanut M&Ms. I wonder if Eminem is supposed to mean M&Ms because his name is Marshall Matters. The commercials star with the smart red M&M and the dufus yellow peanut M&M.

And I love Smarties. I guess the different colors are for show and doesn’t taste differently like the color of Skittles. And I always wonder why in Skittle commercials the person eats the whole fucking bag of the Skittles in one swallow. And not choke.

Kool-Aid Punch Bowl

I love making Kool-Aid because it’s easy to make and has so many flavors to choose from. The key is to add a ton of sugar. This was a way to get a sugar high when you were too young to smoke weed.

The mascot is of course the giant Kool-Aid punch bowl that’s too damn big to use the door. So he decides to break through the fucking wall like he’s on PCP. And he says oh yeah like the Macho Man. I would love to spike him with some vodka.

Energizer Bunny

The Energizer Bunny is like taking a huge piss at the bar. It keeps going and going. But I was always a Duracell fan for some reason. I like that sound in the commercials. You know what I’m talking about.

So I spent the other day going through all of our batteries and separating them between new and used. What I did was put one new battery in my Gameboy Advance and then tested the rest of the batteries one by one. Some worked, some didn’t and some were just corroded.

I’ll never use those cheap ones I bought at the dollar store ever again. Even the Panasonic ones. Now I usually use the rechargeable batteries. And am I the only one who found that the batteries in Wii remotes get drained even if you haven’t used it in a while?

Domino Noid

I love pizza. Especially Dominos. And so does Chunk from the Goonies. But I never knew what the fuck a Noid is, nor what a Noid has to do with pizza. It appears to be some creepy dude in a red bunny suit. But I do remember playing Yo! Noid for Nintendo. I forgot the goal of the game but I do remember you could hop on a pogo stick.

Little Caesar

I have already written a blog about delivering pizza at Little Caesars. It was the most fun job ever. So they started the whole Hot N Ready and paid some kids to hold up signs by the street for years. I think everyone knows about it by now. The thing was I had to wait ten minutes one time so it wasn’t really ready. And sometimes it’s not hot at all. Now they skip out on the cheese, toppings and sauce and it tastes like bread.

Anyway the Caesar mascot is the cute Roman emperor. And not the blood thirsty Roman dictator. I don’t even know if the even had pizza back then. Haha, when in Rome.

Colonel Sanders

I love KFC. As you know Colonel Sanders is the lovable founder of KFC. I don’t know if he was an actual colonel in the army or it just sounded cool. He’s dead but his legacy, white suit and string tie lives on.

KFC is pretty much the only good thing to come out of Kentucky besides horse derbies, Johnny Depp the ladies man George Clooney.

Every year me and my folks drive to Florida and we must pass through Kentucky. What a bunch of rednecks. It’s pretty sad. Seriously you want to get a Big Mac in some shitty town made up of shitty trailers and one or two shitty churches. And shacks. My tool shed is bigger than some of them.  

Anyway I have been thinking of stealing the secret recipe and start my own fast food chain OFC; Ontario Fried Chicken.

Smoky Bear

Smoky the Bear is the talking bear ranger that keeps repeating that “only you can prevent forest fires.” I think he means that only people can prevent forest fires and not animals. “I’m a fucking bear; how the Hell can I prevent them?”

So make sure you put out your camp fire with water. And not piss; that’s disgusting.

It’s too bad that most wildfires occur in extremely dry weather and the wind spreads them out of control. “Look Smoky, I’m not a fireman so I can’t do shit all by preventing or stopping wildfires.”

Then there is Smoky Bong whose message is “only you can prevent crib fires.” So when you smoked your cigarettes or joints then please distinguish them in an ash tray. By the way I realize I talk about weed way too much. Its just that I really like it. That’s all.

Marlboro Man

The Marlboro Man was the classic rugged cowboy that smoked Marlboro cigarettes. Then he died of lung cancer. I don’t even know why people still smoke cigarettes, or try them in the first place when they know that they are so addictive and harmful.

What really pisses me off is when smokers get lung transplants that should go to other patients in need. So I think money from cigarettes sales should go to hospitals.

I can’t stress this enough, don’t try cigarettes. I don’t give a fuck if all your friends smoke and its part of their social life. Or that you only smoke while you drink. Again don’t ever fucking smoke. That’s the best advice I can give besides wearing sunscreen.

Camel Joe

Camel Joe is the cartoon camel mascot for Camel Cigarettes. Apparently since it’s a cartoon it makes kids want to smoke. So they had to can him.  You know what else is a cartoon? GIJOE. But watching GIJOE shouldn’t make kids want to go out a buy a laser gun.

Also I thought you need be to 18 or so to buy cigarettes. “Mom, I saw a cartoon camel that smoked, can you buy me some smokes?” “Only if you clean your room.” I guess they have to use a real camel, dress him up and stick a cigarette in his mouth. But then that would get PETA all over their asses.

Camel Toe

Finally here is the definition of a camel toe by Wikipedia.

“Camel toe is a slang term that refers to the outline of a human female's labia, as seen through tightly fitting clothes. Due to a combination of anatomical factors and the tightness of the fabric covering it, the crotch and mons pubis may take on a resemblance to the forefoot of a camel.” Haha, they even showed some random chick’s camel toe.

Candy

Candy Makes You Dandy

You know I’m running out of ideas for blogs when I make one about candy. But I have already written it, so bite me. I am however taking suggestions for new blogs. So drop me a line.

The Convenience Store

When I was kid, me and the gang would walk to the Kiwki-Mart and buy some candy. Back then candy was cheap. I used to be able to buy fun dip for a quarter. Now it cost $1.50. Inflation is a bitch. But it’s still fun as ever and you can eat the stick too. I also loved Nerds.

The Munchies

As an adult I still love candy. One of my favorite things to do is smoke weed, walk to the Kiwki-Mart and eat some candy. If you have never smoked weed than there are few curious things about it. One is that you get the munchies and everything seems to taste even so much better. I love chocolate on weed.

Another is that time seems to slow down. I don’t want to quote a Brian Adams’ song but its like when you were a kid and those summer days seemed to last forever. Now the days seem so much shorter. Where do those afternoons go? Am I the only one who notices this?

The Vending Machine

Vending machines are everywhere where there is no other place to buy food. Like at the hockey arena or the bowling alley. I don’t like paying $175 for an Aero bar. But I don’t like feeling hungry.

What I hate about vending machines is when you’re chips or whatever don’t fall down. So I would punch it and shake it. You would be surprised how many people died when trying to steal from vending machines. Apparently four times that of shark fatalities. What a stupid way to go.

Then there are times when the vending machine won’t accept your quarters or loonies. At least it isn’t as bad as over in the U.S. where they won’t take your dollar bills if they are just slightly wrinkled.

Hey my American neighbors get with the times. Loonies and toonies are so much easier than having a shitload of dollar bills that look like any other bill. We even got rid of the penny. It’s so much easier. I mean what is the point of having a penny anyway?

So I was at the old Zellers years ago and bought a pop at the vending machine. The light was on and everything so I put in my loonie into it and nothing happened. And it ate my loonie.

So I told customer service in Zellers and she said they don’t own it or something and instead gave me a number to call. Yes, I’m going to call and wait an hour for them to give me a dollar refund. If they can give me a refund at all. Damn you vending machine! Damn you to Hell!

By the way do you remember that Simpson episode where Homer gets his hand caught in the vending machine? And after a while they ask if he is still holding onto the can of pop or whatever. And he was still holding on to it. That was hilarious. I just sounded like that cute band chick from American Pie.

And while I’m on the topic I remember a long time ago in the Mooretown arena there was a cigarette vending machine. That’s hilarious. “Dammit the vending machine won’t give me my Camel cigarettes. And I’m only twelve.” I’m sure it’s gone now.

Zits

I don’t have the best complexion. Even though I use non-name proactive and a lot of soap in the shower. But my parents can tell when I’m breaking out. Every time I eat a lot of sugar I get zits. So trust me, getting zits from eating candy isn’t a myth.

The Dollar Store

I like to bulk up on candy at the dollar store. I buy most of my chocolate bars and chips there. And my energy drinks. I buy a lot skittles and starburst there to sneak into the movie theatre. I’m not going to wait in line and pay five bucks when I can buy the same damn sour patch kid bags for a dollar.

Some of My Favorite Chocolate Bars:

Wonder bars are my all time favorite chocolate bar.

Mr. Big is awesome because it’s so big. That’s what’s she said. And it tastes great.

“Baby Ruuuth.” That’s one of the best lines by Sloth in the Goonies.

Have a break. Have a Kit Kat. Or a cigarette.

How the fuck do they get the caramel in the Caramilk bar? I don’t know.

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Peanut Allergies

I feel bad for people who have nut allergies. They are missing out on a lot of yummy food. I’m not sure which chocolate bars are safe. I’m pretty sure Mars or Hershey are okay. I wonder how they found out that they were allergic. Did they eat some peanut butter and almost die? Or some other severe allergic reaction.

Slurpies

Slurpies are awesome. It’s too bad that none of my nearby variety stores have them anymore. So I have to walk a fair ways to get one. But it’s worth it. I like to have layers of different flavors. Like peach, cream soda and Sprite.

The other day I got a bad brain freeze but I kept on drinking my slurpy because it was so delicious. And I have to change hands when one gets cold. I remember back in the day when those summer day seem to last forever you could buy a huge cup at 7 Eleven for five bucks and then get one dollar refills. Fucking eh.

Five Cent Candy

I always get 5 cent and 25 cent candies at the Kiwki-Mart. I can’t count worth shit because I’m usually stoned and lose track. So I count the candies by fives and tens. Then asshole clerk (I already wrote about this dick clerk before) counts them again like I’m going to rip him off.

I usually get those lips, feet, peaches, pop bottles, worms, berries, sour keys and of course Gummi Bears. (I already wrote about the awesome Gummi Bears cartoon). And I prefer them a little stale. They’re chewier that way.

The Sugar Story

This is a famous story of mine. So I got some five cent candy and ate it too. I kept the bag in my pocket because I don’t like to litter. And it’s still had some sugar left in it. So my mom is doing the laundry and finds this bag of sugar and thinks it cocaine. She freaks out and rushed over to me in my room and asks if this is drugs. I felt relieved thinking she found my weed and assured her it wasn’t drugs.

Warheads

I used to like Warheads. I haven’t seen them in a while. If you don’t know they are extremely hot and or sour candy that you suck on. As a kid I liked eating the red ones because when you spit it looks like you’re spitting blood. Like Rocky.

Push Pops

Push pops are sweet candy that looks like lipstick. And if you don’t want to suck it all you can put the cap back on. But then you walk around with a red, yellow or orange tongue, teeth and lips for the rest of the day.

Ring Pop

I like ring pop because I like bling, bling. In fact if I ever do get married I’d want to propose with a gold ring pop. “Baby, I love you. You’re soul mate. Will you marry me? I’ll get you a real ring when I have saved up enough money.”

Bubble Gum

I also love chewing gum. I remember I’d put like five hits of bubble gum in my mouth and try to blow the biggest bubble ever until it pops. It’s kind of sticky and gross now that I think about it.

Here are some great bubble gum brands:

I want to know how Bazooka Joe lost his eye.

I think Strident lasts the longest but Juicy Fruit tastes the best.   

I always wondered if the Olson twins chew Doublemint gum.

5 Gum stimulates your senses. Every time I chew it, it blows my fucking mind.

I love Bubble Tape. Did you know that a roll of bubble tape is six feet long? That’s as tall as I am.

But I hate when people spit their gum on the ground. It’s not as bad as it used to be though back in the day. I have heard that in China they have huge fines and possibly jail sentences for spitting gum on the ground.

But I wouldn’t sallow it either. That’s what she said.  I don’t know if it’s bad for your stomach and stays there for a long time or what? So I usually spit my gum in the sewer drain or garbage.

It’s too bad there isn’t enough garbage cans in my city. Where there are garbage cans they are always filled to the brim. And then they need cans in areas like at the high school where students throw their cigarette butts, pizza boxes, cups and other junk on the ground.

Grandma’s Dish of Mints

Do you ever notice that old people always have that rock hard candy that’s been in that glass bowl that’s been there since Regan was in office? Anyway all of this candy talk has made me hungry. But alas the Kiwki-Mart is closed and I ate all of our cookies. I guess I have to eat an apple or something.

Top Ten Worst Ways to Die

(Warning: I make fun of Jebus. Please don’t get pissed off with me)

11. Being Crucified

I notice many churches have these cute messages on their front lawn. Some are clever, some are funny, some are stupid and some are just annoying. For example there is this house with some signs about meeting your creator or that Jesus died for our sins.

I’m so sick of Jesus dying for our sins. For one thing he didn’t die for our sins because people still go to Hell. Secondly he didn’t have to die because he could have used his super powers, free himself and kill the guards with eye lasers. Thirdly he’s a big fucking pussy.

Yes that’s right, I called your savoir a big fucking pussy. He is all like “why Father have you forsaken me?” Hey you get to go to the Kingdom of Heaven and rule over it beside your father; the all powerful God. I mean I would get crucified too if I had the chance.

And why did he accept the murderer’s apology and forgive his sins. “Oh Jesus I’m so sorry about killing all of those people.” I don’t think that works with other criminals. “Well Judge, I guess I shouldn’t have raped all of those children. I’m sorry.” “Well we all make mistakes. You’re free to go.”

And you know what; thousands of people, including innocent people have been crucified too. And you also know what; firemen and soldiers give their lives to save people without thinking about rewards. So it kind of takes away from Jesus’ noble death. And most importantly, millions of people have died from far worst ways.

So here are my top ten worst ways to die:

10. Buried Alive

I have a bit of claustrophobia. It’s not being in tight spots but being in tight spots that I can’t get out of. Kind of like when you are buried in the sand at the beach and your friends ditch you. I was actually dared to ride in the trunk of a car when I was in college. It was funny but I made them promise to let me out anytime I wanted out.

Being buried alive would be so incredibly scary. I’ve seen Kill Bill part two but I don’t think you can escape. Unless you are Houdini. I don’t know where you would put all of the dirt even if you can get out of the coffin. I have heard that some victims scratched the wood until they lost their finger nails. I’m not sure if they die of starvation or lack of oxygen or what.

9. Electrocution

I think they need more warnings on toasters saying don’t jam forks into it or don’t make peanut butter sandwiches in the bathtub.

I can’t believe that the U.S. still does electrocutions. Basically they electrocute the criminal until his heart burns or something. And it costs a lot of fucking money. Lethal injection is more humane but again it’s expensive.

But do you know what’s cheap? Bullets. And if they can’t find an anonymous executioner they should just let the victims’ family shoot the them. “Whoops, I shot him in the nuts. My bad.”

8. Freeze to Death

I hate being cold. For me it’s the main reason why winter sucks in Canada. I rather endure extreme heat than not be able to leave the house without layers of clothing. And I hate cold showers. Now imagine you fall into freezing water while you are ice fishing or skating or just drunk. It would be the worst cold shower ever. And I think you would lose your fingers and nose before you freeze to death.

7. Radiation Poisoning

I tried eating radioactive slime to give me super powers. I got cancer.

6. Drowning

I’m not much of a swimmer. I usually doggy paddle. I remember doing what we called river runs where you jump into the river and let the current take you upstream. Only I was getting far away from shore and was freaking out. Obviously I made it alive to tell this story.

So let’s say your are sailing your sailboat out in the Pacific Ocean without a care in the world and suddenly a storm hits you and your sailboat capsizes and you have to swim back to shore. Unless you are rescued by Aquaman or actually do make it to land, you would eventually drown. How scary that would be.

5. Eaten by Sharks

I have always wanted to go scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef and catch Nemo. What an awesome movie by the way. I got high with a friend and watched it in the theater. We were surrounded by kids but I didn’t give a shit. However I would never swim out in the ocean because I’m afraid of Jaws. And again, I still doggie paddle.

4. Thirst

I’d hate to die of thirst. You know, you’re out in the desert and you have nothing to drink. Besides Mountain Dew.

3. Watching the Trade Center Movie

This movie should have never been made. I don’t like people profiting off such a tragedy. I guess I was curious. All they did was show some firemen trapped under the wreckage. It’s so terrible people would have to kill themselves out of boredom.

2. Climbing a Mountain

I don’t understand why people attempt to climb Mt. Everest, Mt. Doom or other mountains. Do they need to prove something? Such as the first guy to climb Mt. Everest with no arms. Or do they need to destroy Sauron’s ring? Because I’ve heard there are just scattered bodies of idiots that didn’t make it. I mean there are so many ways to die. You could fall, freeze, die of exhaustion or get buried alive under an avalanche.

1. Burn to Death

Burning alive has to be the most painful way to die. I don’t know if rolling on the ground would do anything or what. What I don’t get is why our brain registers you as being on fire. Do we really need to feel all of this pain? I guess it’s like your brain saying get the fuck out of the fucking flames now!

Imagine your house is on fire. What would you do? First I’d crawl on the ground and use my sleeves to open the doorknobs. I’d have to rescue whoever else is in the house. If I had a dog or cat I’d try to save them too. My fish on the other hand are screwed. I would also try to save my laptop, my weed, my Ipod and my Uncle Owen Star Wars action figure.

But that would totally suck losing everything. I would hate to replace all of my possession. Like my movies, video games, my almost complete wardrobe and course all of my blogs. I also wonder how much you would get for all of your belongings? “So I had 2,000 movies, 2,000 video games, three computers, thirty T-shirts, diamond ring, and the very first Superman comic.  That’s like $50,000 and they’re hard to come by.

Toys from the 80s and 90s

More Blogs About Toys

I have already written about the 80s, board games, Lego, politically incorrect Guess Who and other toys. But here are some more.

First off, I wonder who decides what age group toys are intended for? I feel a bit old when something is intended for 5 to 12 year olds. It should be just 5 to 90 year olds.

View Masters

View Masters are 3D toy cameras where you insert reels and the pictures pop out at you. They were fun at the toy store. After you see the reels like ten or fifteen times there is really no point now is there. They still have them at Toys R Us.

I think they should have submarine simulator reels where you see Soviet subs and enemy ships. Or better yet, Hustler reels where you see 3D boobs. That would be hot.

Chia Pets

Chi, chi, chi, Chia. Remember Chia Pets? As you should know, Chia Pets are the small animals or models with seeds planted on them that grow into grass. For example there was the Chia ram in which the grass is supposed to be fur. Only green fur. Then they started creating a variety of Chia pets or Chia whatever. They even made a Chia Homer Simpson. Too bad he’s fucking bald dipshits. And too bad they haven’t created Chia mushrooms or Chia pot. Yet.

Don’t Wake Daddy

I have heard of this board game but I have never tried it. As the name implies you have to pass by dad, or step dad, without waking him up. I did this all of the time when I was young and drunk and I had to get by my parents’ room so I could pass out on my bed. Good times.

It’s supposed be light hearted but my dad would get really, really pissed off. For example my dad might be asleep on the couch and I want some Captain Crunch. I would tip toe by but oh shit I woke him up. “Dammit Greg, I have to work tomorrow!” “Sorry dad I was hungry.” “At this hour of the night? Go to bed.”

This is an inside joke but I think they also need a Don’t Wake Doug board game.

Table Hockey

Table Hockey is like Foosball, only it sucks.  They were popular before EA Hockey came along on Sega.  You could only move each player down a specific pathway. You can’t even check or get into fights. Nor are there any referees. And it took a lot of fucking space that you could save for better things. Like a George Forman grill. Or a map of the U.S. Civil War.

Micromachines

I loved Hot Wheels but I loved Micromachines even more. I used to have a ton and played with my buddy on his city map. “Wee, waan, wee waan, micro ambulance coming through. Wee, waan, child got hit by drunk Micromachine corvette driver.” I think I was missing a Fiero, hummer and limousine. Or a hummer limousine.

Do you remember the Micromachine guy who could speak incredibly fast? He reminds me of an auctioneer. By the way I have always wondered what if someone bids like a $10,000 but they don’t have $10,000.

I have heard of some poor lady that got screwed. They were selling like twenty chairs and she thought that she’d buy them all for like forty bucks. But it was supposed to be all of the chairs for forty bucks each. That’s too bad.

Lolo Balls

If you don’t already know Lolo balls were shitty toys that looked like the planet Saturn where you jump up and down on it like on a pogo stick. I never had one and I’m glad I didn’t. Unlike a skateboard or roller blades you can’t pull any sick moves or even go anywhere really.

Bed Bugs

Bed Bugs is the cheap game where you use chopsticks to pick up bugs while some adolescent boy sleeps in his bed. And his bed vibrates. I wonder who came up with that genius idea. Maybe they should have adult Bed Bugs where a couple are fucking and thus vibrating the bed and you have to pick used condoms.

Walky Talkies

“Delta here. Charlie all over the fucking place. Over.” “Geo here, napalm delivery is on the way. Over.” Walky Talkies were awesome as a kid. I think mine had a range of 500 feet! Years later my friends bought some expensive walkie talkies. We could even call across town. And then cell phones came along.

Crossfire and Rockem Sockem Robots

I have never actually played them because they looked stupid. The crossfire could be better if it was more like pinball, against someone else. And Rockem Sockem robots were retarded. It’s not like you can jab, block or even bite someone’s ear.

Construx

I have already written about my favorite toy Lego. But I also loved Construx. You connect plastic pieces together and make whatever you could dream of. My cousins even had the ones where they move. Yes. They move! KNEX are cool too. But I have nothing really to say about it. I just liked them, that’s all.

Light Brite

I remember a while ago I smoked a lot of weed and decided to rummage through my old toy box. Only it wasn’t a box but a giant egg that looked like Humpty Dumpty. Haha he humps and he takes a huge dump. Fun fact: nowhere in the nursery rhyme or story did it say Humpty was an egg. So I found my light brite and it was really trippy. I deiced to make a huge pot leaf.

Play-Doh

Play-Doh was fun because you could create anything you can think of. Such as dragons or hamburgers.  Too bad you couldn’t eat it. But mine harden after a while. Just like my dick after watching Sex and the City. Then they made toys to go with it. Like toys that made noodles, hair or shite.

Easy Bake Oven

If I knew you were coming I’d bake a cake. Bake a cake. Easy Baked Oven is a mini oven with a light bulb that cooks cookies. I love cookies but I never had one. I guess they were intended for little girls. I would love an Easy Big Mac Oven. I’m pretty sure they use the same light bulb as McDonalds.

Dolls that Piss

When I was wee one, I loved one stuffed animals. Especially my soccer ball popple. But I was scared of dolls. And I still am. My aunt had a ton of them and they gave me nightmares. I thought they would come alive and eat me in my sleep.

Then they had realistic dolls that cry or whatever. There were even dolls that pissed or throw up. Gross. Do little girls actually enjoy this? Maybe they should have geezer dolls where you have to change their diapers and give them medicine.

Then there were those expensive realistic dolls that high school students had to carry everywhere they go and feed them or rock them when they cry. I guess this is for all those dirty sluts to realize teen pregnancy isn’t fun. I would love to grab one and just throw it out the window. I don’t know if the baby doll dies but I bet they would lose points.

Talkboy

I always wanted a Talkboy. Basically Talkboys can record messages and change the speed of the messages. This can come handy when drinking. “I’m so fucking wasted man. And there is this hotty looking at my way. Time to turn on the Merchant charm.”

Do you ever hear yourself when you were recorded? In my head I sound like a suave double agent. When I hear my own voice I sound like a cartoon character. I also wonder if you could tell how hot a chick is by her voice. And would you go out with a lady even if she sounds like white trash? Sure they could be a total hotty but eventually you would get sick of hearing her talk.

Teddy Ruxpin

I just saw the movie Ted again the other day. Hilarious. My favorite part is when Ted and Mark fight. Or when Mark knocks out the fat kid. And Jackie is totally hot.

I have never seen a Teddy Ruxpin but my buddy had a fake one. Rux of course is the talking bear who moves his eyes and mouth and tells stories. He has a cassette player built in his back. I think the new ones have those USB memory sticks.

I don’t know what stories he tells. Maybe he tells of stories of getting drunk and doing some random stuffed animal slut. Or maybe the story of the Three Little Pigs. I don’t know. I had my mom to read me bed time stories and not a robotic bear.

Edward Scissor Hands

Edward Normal Hands

Edward Scissor Hands is a classic movie starring a young Johnny Depp as Edward. If you haven’t seen it then stop reading this blog because there are spoilers. And by spoilers, I mean I give away the whole damn movie. So go out and rent it at Blockbuster and watch it. And then you can enjoy this blog. Haha, Blockbuster. Who rents from there nowadays?

Do you ever hear the sang that “it’s only a movie”? Or ask “how could that possibly happen?” Often times my mom says why didn’t he just do that? Then there wouldn’t be a movie then would there. This happens in Edward Scissor Hands.

The movie begins with some old lady telling bed time stories to her granddaughter. She tells the story of Edward Scissor hands and why it snows there.

Obviously Edward has these scissor hands. They are kind of like Freddy Kruger’s claws only he can’t take them off. And unlike Wolverine he can’t retract them either. But what a badass. I wouldn’t fuck with him.

So there is this mad scientist that creates robots. Some of those robots make cookies for example. I have no idea how he sells them or if he eats them himself? Well crazy scientist picks up a heart shaped cookie and decides to make a robot with a heart. And he makes this robot with fucking razor sharp claws as hands. How could he give shake hands or give a high five?

Throughout the movie we hear that Edward was incomplete. And the scientist died right before he was about to give the freak hands. Which makes you think why he didn’t he just make him hands in the first place. Instead of making these weapons as hands. So this is when there wouldn’t be a movie if Eddy here got hands.

So why did loony scientist give him fucking scissors hands? What a sick fuck. I don’t know how he could survive without killing himself. First off how does dress himself? Or take a leak. Or jerk off. Then he could easily stab himself while he is sleeping. And have you ever heard your mom say don’t run with scissors. Haha, I guess Ed shouldn’t run at all. Haha.

The story beings on a suburban street with the same bright colored homes. And there are no token black people. Peg is an Avon lady going door to door trying to sell her beauty products. But nobody wants any. For one thing Peg isn’t exactly a beautiful person.

I mean, I could be in the middle of a dungeon in World Warcraft and be interrupted by someone who feels I need facial cleansers. Which I do, but I rather go to a store. It’s funny; a friend of mine is selling air purifiers or something dumb.

It reminds me when Mormons go to people’s homes trying to peddle their stupid religion. It’s almost like when you were kids and played nicki nicki nine doors. I preferred to go to rich people’s homes because it takes them longer to answer the door.

My mom actually invited some Mormons in so they can have a heated debate. They weren’t expecting that. I mean how many people do they actually convert into Morons anyway. If at all. Editor’s note: I accidently called them Morons instead of Mormons. I think that’s funny. But I’m actually considering to go to their insane masses and have a good laugh.

So Peg decides to go to the huge dark creepy mansion up on this tall cliff to sell some beauty products. Not the best idea because I don’t think people who live in haunted mansions care about their pores or finger nails. And wouldn’t the gothic mansion be an eyesore to everyone who lives there?

Peg goes to the front gate and when nobody answers she decides to sneak in. If she had any common sense she would leave right away. Of course then there wouldn’t be a movie now would there.

Peg sees all of these hedge sculptures and such. And she is amazed. Then she sees Edward and she freaks out. If I was her I’d run away and most likely piss in my pants. Then there wouldn’t be a movie no would there. But she has a change of heart and decides to take him home with her.

He meets Peg’s husband and son who initially freak out. But they soon like him. So Ed is having trouble eating with scissors as hands. But for Thanksgiving he could always carve the turkey. But I don’t know how he ate when he lived all by himself in the mansion. But hey, it’s a movie.

And for whatever stupid reason he sleeps on a water bed. And Ed pokes a hole and water shoots out everywhere. Who could see that coming? I remember my babysitter had a waterbed. It was fun. You’d think it would be comfortable but apparently it’s really bad for the back.

Everyone along the street are gossiping about this mysterious man. And there are a ton of cougars out on the prowl that are turned on by his claws. They hit on him every chance they get. Too bad they are all ugly. I don’t know why they would like to fuck him when he could accidently stab them. I’m sure he could still get a blow job.

So Edward puts the claws to good use and decides to cut people’s hedges. I don’t know why everyone has these huge hedges, but hey it’s just a movie. He does a good job even though I don’t know how he could reach the really tall ones. Unless he has a ladder.

Then he decides to give this poodle a nice trim. Redhead cougar sees this and asks for a haircut. So he gives all of the cougars haircuts. But they are just terrible, terrible haircuts. My mom used to give me haircuts. And now I’m balding on top and once you reach a certain point you might as well shave it all off. And now I’m really depressed.

So Peg forgets to tell her daughter Winona Ryder about a mysterious man with claws that is staying in her bedroom. She of course freaks out. I would too. And poor Edward falls for her. Too bad she has a boyfriend. He is the nerd from the Breakfast Club and wow he has filled out and became a tough guy. I will call him Asshole.

Winona, Asshole and some friends want to break into Ass’s own father’s place to steal shit. They bring Edward along so he could break the lock. But the alarms go off and they ditch Ed who couldn’t grab the damn door knob. Winona wants to go back and help him but is unable too.

Later on Edward carves an ice sculpture and Winona dances in the snow. I think she fell for him too. Remember this. But he accidently cuts her. So some shit goes down and stuff happens. I already returned the movie so everything is a bit hazy.

So Asshole is drunk and is about to hit Winona’s brother. Ed makes a daring rescue but cuts the kid’s arm. Everyone freaks out and they are pissed off. And Edward just loses it and then flees to the mansion.

Well Winona and Asshole follow him. Asshole assaults Winona and starts shooting at Edward. Then Ed stabs and kills Asshole. And then Winona tells everyone they both died. And then Winona shoplifts. Which makes you wonder how someone who should have so much money could stoop so low?

We are back with Winona as the old lady finishing her story to her granddaughter. And that when Edward carves his ice sculptures high up in the haunted mansion it snows. Unless I’m skiing or making a snowman I hate snow. Damn you Edward! I’m getting really pissed off with the snow. It’s June for Christ sakes.