The Amish

Something Amish

You have no idea how dependent we are on electricity. Especially for me. I could not go on without my video games, television or blender. I can’t even stand a power outage for a few hours. Every time it happens I keep forgetting I can’t turn on the lights. And we can’t find the flashlight without the flashlight. I guess it’s a catch 22.

Then there are outages that last for days. I’d go insane. First off you would lose all of your frozen food. Goodbye Klondike bars and McCain pizza pockets. You wouldn’t have any television or Nintendo. And I don’t read by candle light. Haha I guess you would have to entertain your family with stories or Jenga. Now imagine that power outage lasts forever!

That’s the life of an Amish. As you know the Amish are big losers that resist any kind of modern technology.  They shun the use automobiles, phones and electricity. That means no cars. Maybe a beaver wagon. So they use a horse and or carriage.

How annoying would that be not to call a friend or my phone sex operator? If it wasn’t for Cindy I’d be lonely on those cold Saturday nights.  You don’t have any damn cars so you would have to ride a horse to your friend’s place to see if they can play tag or look at Sears’ summer catalogs. “Man, look at her leg.”

Now I’m probably the only person in Canada that doesn’t have a cell phone. But I can still use a pay phone or just use someone else’s. I think I can spend fifty bucks a month on more important things. Like Big Macs. I can’t even text. Those small ass buttons are too small for me even though I have tiny hands. But big feet.

As you know the Amish are majorly religious. I guess they like to serve the Lord by living a simple life. And that means no high school for these kids. Great idea, do you want to raise a barn the rest of your life?

Speaking of kids, the Amish marry only other Amish. I think. That means there is a small gene pool and because of this they have a much higher rate of birth defects and stupid people. Even marrying third or fourth cousins sounds very disturbing.

I don’t know if they pay taxes or what? I mean do they just live off the land? I’m hoping they can still use the mail.  I do like mennonite furniture and fresh produce. And what do they do in the winter?

You can spot Amish men from their long rugged unkempt beard. I guess Gillette mach four is too technological. I just hope the women shave. Otherwise that’s pretty disgusting. They have simple clothes with suspenders and stupid top hats. And the Amish ladies still wear those long plain dresses and those hat thingies they wear. Just like the pilgrims.

I’ve seen them at Wal-Mart but I don’t know how they travelled there. I hope they don’t hog the damn highway with their slow ass carriage. The kids looked like they were in Disney World. I have never seen such happy and excited kids. But its kid of sad that the their highlight of the year is being in Wal-Mart getting a Big Mac and looking at some great non-technological deals.

Our Lady Peace

Our Lady Peace is an awesome Canadian alternative rock band. Here is my top ten favorite OLP songs.

20        Made of steel

19        Heavy Weight

18.       Life

17.       Superman’s Dead

16.       Angels

15.       Innocent

14.       In Repair

13.       4am

12.       Where Are You

11.       Is Anybody Home

10.       Thief

9.         Somewhere Out There

8.         Automatic Flowers

7.         Hope

6.         Clumsy

5.         Superstellite

4.         The Birdman

3.         One Man Army

2.         Naveed

1.         Starseed

Fairy Tales: Part Three

The Ant and Grasshopper

So there is a grasshopper and an ant. I don’t know if there are other bugs but it’s just a story. So the ant is busy preparing for winter. I guess this story doesn’t apply in warmer places like Hawaii where it has summertime weather all year round.

The grasshopper on the other hand is living it up for summer; partying and getting laid. But comes winter and the grasshopper is starving while the ant is chilling with some hot coco.  I hope the ant feels sorry for the grasshopper and makes him his servant.

My problem is these are two extremes. On one hand you have to smell the roses and live for the moment and enjoy summer. But you have to balance and find time to prepare for the future.

It’s the same thing when people get a cash advance because they want to buy liquor even though they waste $20 each time they do it.  Can’t they just stay sober and wait a week? Or do they have to get their booze right away?

The moral of the story is that ants are annoying fuckers when inside. And grasshoppers are loud and obnoxious outside.

The End.

The Pied Piper

I don’t know what a pied piper is? But whatever. So this town has a rat infestation and the mayor is looking for pest control. So this Pied Piper is called for the job and is paid to remove these varmints.

He uses his magical flute, I mean pipe, and the rats follow him in a trance into the lake where they drowned. But the mayor doesn’t owe up and pay up the full amount they agreed upon. Pied is piped and vows revenge.

Years later all of the adults attend church on St. Greg’s Day, or some other dumb festival. And the kids don’t have to go? I’m so jealous. I hated going to church and hearing about the prodigal son over and over again.  Pipe lures all of the children with the same magical pipe and they are never seen again.

Come on, every adult is in church while the kids just play and roam outside without any adult supervision. And doesn’t he seem like a pedophile? If I had my own piper I would get all of the hottest chicks to follow me into a hotel. Put that in your piper and smoke it.

The moral of the story always get Billy the exterminator to do all of your pest control.

The End

Rapunzel

There is a couple who want babies. They wander around some sorceress’s garden and come upon some rapunzel plant. Being pregnant, she craves this plant. She just had to eat it. And she also craved those donuts with sprinkles, popcorn with loads of butter and cheese wiz on celery.

So her husband is caught in her garden stealing the plant and the sorceress had to kill him. I think she overreacted. He pleads for his life and the bitch decides to let him go as long as he gives up his first born child. What a dick. Baby comes along and sorceress wants it. She names her Rapunzel after the plant. Rapunzel grows into a total hotty with very long, long, long blond hair.

It’s funny; my boss at Little Caesars had hair down below her waist. No lying. She obviously dyed her hair blond and you could see her grey roots. But she hated when people asked about her hair.

She was cool though. Everybody assumed I smoke pot, so one day she says we should smoke some marijuana. At first I thought she was joking, so I asked if she was serious. Let’s just say we had a ball.

Being surrounded by pizza it was the best place to get the munchies. Then I got lost on one delivery though and it took me a good half hour to find the place. I still got a tip but I decided to take a breather and call it a night. South Park was on.

So the sorceress kept her on the top floor of a tower with only one window. Not being able to go to the barber she grew her hair right down to the ground. That must have taken a while to grow. And a lot of shampoo. She could definitely donate her to cancer patients. Or transvestites.

Now the sorceress could climb up her hair and feed her. Probably a happy meal. And once again some random prince overhears her singing. He loves her singing and assume she’s hot. So he decides to hit on her. One day while the sorceress is doing some errands and picking up milk, the prince climbs her hair up the tower. And hopes her scalp isn’t ripped off from her head.

He’s caught by the sorceress. And decides that if he can’t see her, he won’t see anything at all. So he jumps into some shit and blinds himself. And he does this all over some chick. That’s not love. That’s creepy. So he wanders around the place not knowing where the fuck he’s going and just so happens to hear Rapunzel again.

She now has twins. But the story doesn’t really mention who got her knocked up. Anyway the blind prince loves her singing and they are reunited. He says she should go on the Voice. They hug and her tear gives back his sight. He leads his Rapunzel and her bastard children into the castle and they lived happily ever after. She finally cuts her hair.

The moral of the story is that she also grew a lot hair on other parts of her body. The rug matched the drapes.

The End

Beauty and the Beast

I love smoking weed and watching Disney Movies. But I have never seen Beauty and or the Beast. It sounds like huge fucking chick flick for little girls. And I’m not going to rent or buy it without feeling ashamed. 

Once I bought a chick flick for my mom and told the guy it was for her birthday. And he says we don’t judge here. It was Catch and Release. I heard good things. Anyway I decided to look up Wiki and read the summary.

But I still know some parts from the Disney movie. Like I know all of the cutlery and inanimate things can talk. I guess they keep the lonely beast company. Or he’s lost his fucking mind. Imagine he dropped Chip. That would be hilarious and his mom the pitcher would freak out. “Oh my beautiful little tea cup.” “I’m still alive. Please just kill me.”

Apparently there is a rich merchant (my last name) with three beautiful daughters. The two oldest ones are cunts but Belle is pure as snow. Fun fact Belle is beautiful in French.

The merchant loses his ships in some storm. Stuff happens. But alas one of his ships finally did make it. Thinking he’s rich again he asked his daughters what kind of gifts they would like. That’s nice. Naturally the two bitches want jewels, garments and treasures. And don’t forget the Faberge eggs.

And Belle just asks for a “rose, as none grow in their part of the country.” What a bitch. She could just asks for any rose. Or something nice, like a watch. Or he could lie and just pick any ordinary rose. She can’t tell.

Does she know how hard it would be to travel to other parts of the country searching for roses? And then coming back while they are still in bloom? What kind of scavenger hunt is this?

“Belle, I rode a damn horse a 100 miles to the west side of this stupid country and went looking for roses in people’s gardens like an idiot. All I could find was some dandelions.” “Oh dad, I would have accepted any gift. It’s the thought that counts.” “A 100 fucking miles you bitch. Do you know how far that is?” “Um a 100 miles.” “Bitch.”

So the merchant get’s lost in woods like he’s Link. You’d think he’d return the way he came or not go through any forests to begin with. He’s lost and it’s getting dark out, but he finds this palace. He decides to eat this food he found. It was from the beast. So merch actually finds a rose and picks it. Beastie is pissed over a single rose and decides to kill him for. I think he overacted.

Merch tells him it’s for his beautiful daughter. Beastly is enticed. They make a deal; for letting the merchant go; his daughter must stay with him. Belle agrees to go to live with this hideous creature. On the bright side he lavishes her with gifts and riches. And shoes! She even has a walk-in closet.

But each day the mutant keeps proposing to her and each time he gets shot down. Too bad the beast doesn’t know she’s only sixteen. Hey Beasts, I think you should just give up the whole marriage thing. It’s not going to happen. Go jerk off to nature shows about wildebeests. She wants a real prince. Editor’s note: I always thought wildebeests was spelled wilderbeasts.

Belle gets homesick and asks the freak to make a deal so she can visit her family for a week. Her sisters are jealous and I bet they’re not married. So they trick Belle to stay an extra day. Beast is heart broken, even for one single extra day. Whatever. Belle she’s seems him half dead or O.D. and says she loves him and a teardrop hits the monster and booya he transforms into a prince. Again with the tears.

Now a prince, he tells Belle that a long time ago a “fairy turned him into a hideous beast after he refused to let her in from the rain, and that only by finding true love, despite his ugliness, could the curse be broken.” Right. The get hitched and live happily ever after together.

The moral of the story is that girls are shallow and want to marry princes. And you should always let fairies inside when it’s raining or cold. Or for tea.

Then End.

Titanic

Spoiler! The Titanic hits an iceberg and sinks.

How ironic, the very same ship that was supposed to be unsinkable. Kind of like Jesus walking on water.

I have known all about the Titanic long before the movie came out in 2007. Actually there is an old black and white movie about Titanic too. It’s not that bad.

Its funny, my friend Stics and this other kid both did speeches on Titanic. It’s too bad the kid plagiarized his whole speech because they both clearly read the same book.

The movie Titanic stars Leo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Billy Zane and that crazy fat chick from Misery. I like Leo because he’s always in good movies such as Basketball Diaries and the Beach. Kate is smoking hot. Zane is a badass.

But whatever you do, don’t drive through any winter storms and watch out for nurses that will break your legs, burn your novel and make you write another one all over again.

Even if you haven’t seen it, you should know two scenes. The one where Leo is at the front of the ship and says “I’m the king of the world.” Or there is the end where Leo and Kate hold on to the ship till it sinks. These two scenes are in so many damn movies its not even funny anymore.

The budget was the highest in film history at the time. I think it cost like 200 million but don’t worry it wasn’t another Water World flop. It grossed over a billion.

For a chick flick, Titanic is one fucking cool movie. And I’ll admit I kind of like Celine Dion’s song “My Heart Will Go On.” Wait; scratch that. Every time I hear that song I too long for romance. But alas I live in my parents’ basement and smoke weed. Who could love me?

The best part is you get to see Kate Winslet naked. Hotty! I think that was for all of the guys who got dragged into the theater by their wives or girlfriends.

Anyway the movie begins in present day where this team of expeditioners are out in the ocean searching for the “Heart of the Ocean.”  They find the safe where the diamond should be, but they are shit out of luck. All they find are some nudy pictures and monopoly money.

Apparently this necklace was worn by some king. I think it was King Leo. It looks like one huge fucking diamond. I assume they used cubic zirconium in the movie.

So there is some old senile women who heard about these guys on television and she meets the team on their boat. She is like a hundred years old and claims to be this rich hotty on the ship who was painted nude with the diamond around her neck. “Wasn’t I a dish?” So the movie took to place in 1997 and the old lady would be dead or oldest person ever.

She then tells her story about the Titanic. It’s kind of like film Aladdin. Leo is a street rat and Kate is some rich bitch. And she feels trapped. Leo and his friend win a poker hand and win a ticket on the Titanic. And Leo says he is the luckiest guy. How ironic.

Kate can’t stand the pain any longer and is about to jump off the ship. What a brat. Is your life of luxury too much for you? So what if she is getting married to someone she doesn’t love. I mean Zane is a hunk. Wait scratch that. And think of all of the bad marriages there are.

It just so happens that Leo spots her on edge of the ship about to jump off and he tells her how freezing the water would be. Like your coldest shower ever. Apparently with hundreds of passengers, there was nobody else on the deck to witness this.

Leo saves her. And she saves her from herself. They fall deeply in love. I too wish to I know what love is. Leo paints a nude picture of her. Kate says her heart was beating like crazy and it was the most erotic moment of her life. “At the time.” You hoar. They run away from Zane and his lackey and they fuck in a car. How romantic.

So the rich guy wants to make headlines again, this time for the speed of Titanic. Well he did make headlines. As you know dipshit lookout watchman didn’t have the damn binoculars for some retarded reason and didn’t see the iceberg. And it was just the tip of the iceberg. Whoops.

Obviously the coolest part of the movie is when the ship is about to sink. It’s a very surreal atmosphere. They don’t have enough life boats because the deck seemed crowed and any nearby boats think they’re just partying.

So it’s women and children first. Meaning the men are fucked. There was one douche that got onto the boat. How could you live with yourself? I would just get hammered and maybe O.D. before I freeze to death or drown.

And do you really need men steering the life boats? “Don’t worry, I will volunteer to steer the life boat but I need the assistance of my friend here.”

The ship is starting to break apart and it’s a mad scramble. And as you know, to calm down everyone the band played on. I don’t know who was in the band. Maybe vocals, drums, piano and trumpets. And the best part is when the ship is tilting and people are falling down hitting everything like human plinkos.

Again, Leo and Kate hold on to the very end and then plunge into the freezing cold water. Too bad Leo can’t find a piece of wood big enough for both of them. Thanks bitch, had you got onto the lifeboat he would be still alive. Leo dies but Kate is rescued.

And earlier Zane gave her his trench coat, with the Heart of the Ocean in the pockets. Wait a second, if old Kate was narrating the story, then wouldn’t she tell them about the Heart of the Ocean? Or do she not give away all of the details?

So we see how her life turned out in America. “A women’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets.” Then she tosses the Heart of the Ocean over the ship. Whoops. She had the Heart of the Ocean all along. Thanks bitch, you could have sold it or at least tell them they are wasting their fucking time and money. I hope she is on another ship that sinks.

Japan

I Think I’m Turning Japanese

I love Japanese culture and I love big cities. And the Japanese love America. I hope that includes Canada. Cool flag by the way. So here is my roast of the Rising Sun.

I’d travel to Japan but I’m scared of going alone and getting lost. But there’s bound to be Japanese people that speak English.

“Do you know where a pay phone is? I am Canadian?” “Canadian, yes, yes. No phone. Only cell phone.” “Can I borrow yours?” “No, no. Charge long distance.” “Then where is the embassy?” “Embassy. Yes, yes. Go down Nigodaya and turn left at Nidogaya and follow Nidogaya to Nigodada.”

So I wish I could speak and write in Japanese. And I wish my friends could too. How cool would it be to talk Japanese with other people around and they have clue what we are talking about. You could be making fun of the fat chick or the dude with the stupid hat. But alas I missed my window of opportunity and I am too damn old to learn another language.

And Japanese script is so confusing. One little scribble could mean an entirely new letter or word or syllable. They all look the same to me. I can hardly even write in English now since I pretty much only type on my computer and I only really need it when I’m writing my signature or jotting down someone’s name and number.

Then there are Japanese tattoos. I don’t like tattoos in general. I don’t think we should deface our body with permanent pictures and words like we are living canvas. It’s one thing to have a cool tattoo. My brother has some cool ones. But there are many shitty ones. One kid I play hockey with has all of this random shit on his body.

I think Japanese and Chinese words look cool. After all their language is like an art. Just make sure you know the translation before hand. I have heard of people getting the wrong translation.

On the show a 1,000 Ways to Die, the tattoo artist was supposed to write “warrior” or something but ended up being “douche bag’ or something. Dude is pissed and chases the guy but the guy gets killed before the guy was able to kill hm. I forget how.

My mom likes to buy Canadian because we should support our economy. But I only trust Japanese electronics. I don’t even know if we export or even have any Canadian electronics at all. When’s the last time you have opened up a Blue-ray player made in Canada? I mean we are only known for loggers, syrup, hockey and sadly Justin Bieber.

Japan is the home to Nintendo, the greatest video company there ever was. It’s actually means “leave luck to heaven” in Japanese. But alas, Sony and Microsoft are taking over the pies. I used to pick every Nintendo console but I think I’m going to go with an Xbox One this time. And then maybe buy a Wii U later.

Do you remember Yoshi? I think the lovable dinosaur was called Yoshi because it is a very common last name in Japan. Just read the credits at the end of the game. I love walking around eating things. Too bad he’s chickenshit in Haunted Houses and Dungeons. And red Yoshi sucks. Then you beat Special Land (haha, sounds like a magical place for retards, haha) and now the turtles turn into Mario heads. It ruins it and looks stupid. So I don’t ever finish it.

My roommate JP introduced me to Anime. I thought anime was gay. It seems a lot of anime feature mainly white people. The character’s eyes and mouths are just slightly too big. And their emotions are erratic. One moment they are super joyful and then they are totally pissed. Like when it’s their the time of the month or they are on blow.

There’s Sailor Moon who is “fighting evil by moonlight, winning love by daylight.” She is accompanied her friends like Sailor Venus and Sail Pluto to kill all of these magical and evil enemies. They wear really; really short skirts and they have nice asses and creamy white thighs.

I don’t know if it’s creepy that it turns me on. I’m joking; too bad they don’t get any older and they are of age. It reminds me of Brittany Spears first video “Beat Me” when she was wearing school uniforms with same haircut and ribbons as Sailor Moon. And she was still smoking hot. I admit I do have a fetish of Japanese women with big boobs in short skirts.

You can tell Sailor Moon’s friends apart by their haircut. Sailor Moon should especially get a hair cut. It’s so damn long that she might trip on it. And she could donate it to cancer patients. It’s either in Japanese with the shitty translation on the bottom or in English with just terrible voice actors. Whoever is the voice of Sailor Moon doesn’t even sound like a teenage girl.

Then there is Dragon Ball Z. I’ll admit I’m not giving it a chance. I met this dude way back saying how he was so into Dragon Ball and how awesome it is. I called him a dork. And never saw him again. I wonder where he is now. So just now I’m watching it on Youtube and they won the award of gayest theme song. And trust me; there are a million gay songs.

First off every guy must hit the gym and use the steroids because they are all in excellent shape. Plus I’d like to know which shampoo they use. The hair stays nice and spiked when they fight. I do love the sound effects. That would be cool to have.

I’m watching it and wondering what the fuck is going on? One episode was twenty minutes. Most of that twenty minutes is a showdown between the good and evil guys. Only they were talking about all of this level crap and final forms and shit.

Then they fly into each other. They punch and kick each other for a solid minute and then it ends. And you have to wait for the next damn episode hoping you’ll see the outcome of this epic battle. Then that enemy returns to get revenge. Now with a whopping level 12!

But there is a ton of cool and serious anime out there. And you don’t notice the subtext after a while. Too bad I lost a few series when my external drive crashed. And I forgot the titles of the series. One was Elfen Lied. A real cool, dark and very violent anime series. Check it out.

Sumo wrestling is Japan’s national sport. I think it started when people thought “hey, you know what would be funny? Getting those two fat guys over there to push each other out of this circle.”

The cool thing about being a sumo is that you can eat whatever you want and how much you want. Like a whole pig with a stick of butter. In fact some have to eat even more to get the edge. What I wonder is, do sumo’s get the ladies? Of course they would be on the bottom or they might be suffocate the poor dear.

Baseball is becoming huge in Japan. The most boring sport there is. Nothing new or exciting ever happens. “Oh, he got a home run again. Oh he caught a ball that was going over the wall.” The only way I’d watch a baseball game is if I have enough beer to drink and those big pretzels.

My buddy Wilson introduced me to sushi. At first I didn’t care for it, but it grew on me. Now I love it and I love going to whatever Chinese restaurant there is. Too bad I can’t hold chopsticks. I don’t know why Asian people use them instead of a knife and fork. I mean they can’t just eat soup without a spoon or cut a steak with a stick of wood. But they are probably easy to wash.

I told this before, but it’s funny. Me and JP went to all you can eat sushi restaurant in London. You get a list or menu and mark down what you want. The catch is if you can’t eat it all, then you have pay for it. It’s makes sense so people won’t order too much and waste it. So we ate our first order and it was delicious. So delicious we ordered again. Soon I couldn’t look at it anymore but I forced it down my throat to save a few bucks. Then three hours later I was hungry again. Go figure.

Fairy Tales Part Two

Chicken Little

I never understood Chicken Little. So there is this retarded chicken that gets hit by an acorn. Only he’s no Isaac Newton. He clearly doesn’t understand gravity. No he thinks the sky is falling. He’s coocoo. Haha. That makes no sense. Hasn’t he get hit by rain, snow, hail or other falling nuts before without any falling sky?

So the cock (haha) rallies his equally stupid animal friends to see some lion or king about acorns and falling skies. Then a fox tells them to follow him. He leads them into his den and then eats them. This whole story makes no fucking sense. Apparently it’s about mass hysteria or something.

The moral of the story is animals are gullible and foxes enjoy eating these stupid animals?

The End

The Hare and Turtle

This hare tells his friend the turtle he’s slow as shit and they should race. This is one cocky hare and decides to have a nap during the race. Because the turtle is slower than a retard with a helmet. He thinks slow and steady wins the race. The turtle wins and gets the babe. The hare wants a rematch. We later find out the turtle was on anabolic steroids.

Too bad this doesn’t apply in the real life. Imagine you are racing against a fat kid for a medal and some cup cakes. Slow and steady isn’t going to do fuck all. It doesn’t matter if he can get all of the pies in the world if he wins. Just don’t go and watch Dexter during the race and you’re money. But you should share some cup cakes with him. He gave it his best.

The moral of the story is that rabbits are faster than turtles and they fuck a lot.

The End

The Ugly Duckling

Everyone loves baby ducks; they’re so cute. I like when they walk single file behind mother duck. Kind of like you have to walk single file outside of the elementary school when there is a fire. But haha, it’s not going to happen. I’m going to run away from the school as fast and far away as possible. Nobody is getting in my way. Not even the kindergarteners.

So these chicks are adorable. Unlike those annoying Canadian geese fuckers. But alas one duck is ugly. I guess a swan accidently left her egg with the duck’s eggs. Maybe she was too young to raise a chick, maybe birds can’t get abortions.

So everyone ridicules him and made fun of the supposed duck like everyone made fun of that token fat kid or total nerd that is in every school. There is always one. This is mean. Kids can be so cruel.

So the bird wanders to different places as an outcast. He wants to know his place in the universe. I too wonder why me? Why am I here, what am I supposed to do with my life? Oh God I’m so desperately lonely.

He hides during the winter. Seasons pass and springs comes around. He decides to meet some swans and they greet him. Then he looks at his reflection in the water and realizes he’s a beautiful swan. I too wish for one day to be beautiful. Then the handsome swam makes fun of the ducks. “Looks whose laughing now you quacks.”

The moral of the story is that looks are everything.

The End

Rumpelstiltskin

Nice name by the way. I wonder which baby books his parents were looking through when they landed on Rumpelstiltskin. “How about Robert?” “No.” “How about Ryan?” “No.” “How about Rumpelstiltskin?” “Rumpelstiltskin. Yes. Rumpelstiltskin.” And does he have a last name?

Rumpelstiltskin is a very, very disturbing fairy tale. If it’s a fairy tale at all. I think it’s just a little inappropriate for kids. So this miller is looking for some extra doe and he lies to the king saying that his daughter can spin straw into gold. I don’t think they mention her name. The king puts her in a tiny room with straw and demands her to turn it into gold by the next day. Or he will cut off her head!

That’s right he will cut off her head.  First off the miller should know that his daughter can’t make straw into gold. And he should know that the king would want her to do it and the miller knows she can’t pull it off. And the king should know it’s impossible to turn straw into gold and so he’s basically planning on killing her. Instead of her father. Obviously she’s fucked.

But here comes Rumpelstiltskin. He’s an imp. It’s just so happens this Impy can turn straw into gold. What are the odds? So in exchange for his deed he wants her necklace. Then the king puts her into a bigger room with more straw and Impy does it for her ring. Then the king puts her into an even bigger room with even more straw.

Hey Impy, you could have all of the gold in the world and it can buy anything you want with all that gold. But he’s evil douche and demands her first born child.

The stupid bitch marries the king. Yes the very same king that was going to cut off her fucking head. So they have their first child and Impy wants him or her. I don’t know why Impy would want a child anyway. So Impy gives her the chance to win her baby back. Baby back ribs.

Knowing he has a totally fucked up name he says if she can guess it by the third day he’ll let her have her baby back. “Oh baby, baby, baby oooh, like baby, baby, baby, oooh, like baby, baby, baby oooh, I thought you’d always be mine” –Justin Bieber.

I don’t know how many chances she gets, so I guess she looked at some baby name books starting from the top with Adam. But I guess she could get as far as Greg.

But lucky her, some villager just so happened to walk by Impy’s home and overhears him chanting his name like a crazy imp. So the queen answers his name and Impy freaks out. I would have said no, its, um Rudy. Now hand over the child.

The moral of the story is don’t give your kids stupid names or demand they turn straw into gold.

The End.

Cinderella

I have never actually seen Cinderella but I think I know the gist. Cinderella has two bitchy step sisters that treat her like shit and make her do chores all day. They didn’t even have dishwashers, washing machines or Swiffer back then. Or Mexicans. I’m joking.

Cinderella dreams of marrying a prince. Or George Clooney. So her Fairy Godmother transforms her from a lowly servant into a super hotty. Her Godmother even transforms a pumpkin into a carriage and some rodents into horses so she can attend some kind of party in style. With booze!

It was a magical night.

The prince is infatuated by her beauty and grace. And he liked her rack. And her ass. The problem is that this magic only lasts until midnight and then she will become a maid again. I don’t see why her Godmother couldn’t extend her curfew and let her remain a hotty till six in the morning. So Cindy runs for it and loses one of her glass slippers on the way out.

Prince finds the slipper and decided to have all of the women try it on. It was a size 4.5. He finally gets Cinderella to try it on and it fits perfectly. Which makes you wonder if the slippers fit perfectly, then why did it fall off in the first place? And are they made of glass because wouldn’t they shatter?

I assume they live happily ever after. And the cunts have to make their own hamburger helper, vacuum the basement and set mouse traps.

I myself slave over the house chores for my bitchy parents. They even made me shovel the sidewalk on a cold day, set the table, vacuum the basement, mow the lawn and make me make my bed! And all I get for all of this damn work is $50 a week! And cable television, beer, videogames, internet, a warm bed, food, my mom’s car…

I myself wish to marry a princess. She is Jennifer Love Hewitt and the girl of my dreams. But alas she is taken. I love the word “alas.” I hear she is going to club in L.A. But alas my Fairy Godmother is an alcoholic but got me tickets to L.A. And then transforms a giant orange into a limousine and two bums in chauffeurs. And um some expensive Hilfiger clothes. And bribe the doorman $5,000 to let me in. They just don’t let anybody in those bars.

There I find Jennifer in a booth with her asshole husband. She notices me and is captivated by my charm, dark skin, and rugged good looks. But alas my parents make me come home at ten. On the way out one of Nike shoes fall off for no reason. Jennifer finds it but alas I’m already home. By the way I put my name and address in my shoe. It’s size 15.

My woman googles my info and comes across my webpage I Have Issues. The very webpage you’re reading right now. She is captivated by my humor and opinions. But alas she says she is married, even though to the wrong man. But she Fed Exed my shoe. With the hotel address, room number and time inside. Yeah!

The End (to be continued)

Boxing Day

Heavyweight Boxing Day

As always Christmas was awesome. We had a feast. This year I asked my mom to buy extra, extra gravy because you can never have too much gravy. The turkey was delicious. I ate most of it. I love pumpkin pie. The next day I kept cutting slimmer and slimmer slices of  the pie until there was only one sliver left for anyone else.

I’m happy that I got my brother some awesome gifts. In fact I got him too much. But the sandals I got were too small for him and he didn’t like the belt. So I kept them for myself.

Back in Florida I got my mom to buy me some shorts for Christmas. They were intended for me but she thought they were for Chris. So Chris opens them and is like “sweet.” I told them they were in fact for me. Whoops. But I did get him some wicked swim trunks.

I also got him some movies, Family Guy episodes and Prison Break. Of course I will have to borrow them. And it took me a few hours putting all of my music together on two USB memory sticks. One for me and one for him.

At Winners I found this all in one workout thingy. It’s these two handles with a rubber cord that you can adjust and do like a dozen exercises. Naturally my dad was pissed and wanted me to return them. I explained that I could return them in two months, so if Chris doesn’t like them then I’ll return them. I didn’t rap it but I showed them to him. He likes them and so does my mom. “Told you so.” So we kept them and I hope there is another one at Winners.

As for my mom, she didn’t want any presents. But she did get the final Dexter season. And she bought herself some gifts for her from me. She loved the movies I got her too. As for my dad he didn’t get much. I felt kind of bad. I got him some Drambuie and turtles but not the latest Big Bang Theory. I couldn’t afford it. But I’m sure he’ll buy it  anyway.

I got him a few movies that he hasn’t heard of. Including Funny Farm with Chevy Chase. Speaking of Chevy Chase we watch Christmas vacation every year. Awesome movie. My favorite part is when the lights don’t work and he just loses it on the Santa Claus and reindeers. Eddie is hilarious too. His best line about his dog is “if he does lay into ya, it's best to just let him finish”

I got what I wanted and more. I got a Grateful Dead shirt from Chris. Great band. My favorite songs are Casey Jones and Touch of Grey. And a Rage Against Machine poster.

I expected some gift cards from my mom. Mmm, Big Macs. I will definitely use them. Good thing I got socks because my socks are looking pretty ratty now.

My dad is the one who gives the big gifts. He got my brother a gold necklace. Personally I don’t like bling, bling. I rather wear a $20 hemp necklace. And he got Chris some cologne. I think it was called dark something and Chris says that’s for black people. But he’ll wear it anyway.

As for myself, Santa brought me the latest Sim City for the PC. Too bad it was the expansion set. God damn you Santa. I might as well buy the game now instead of returning it.

Do you remember how much fun Sim City 2000 was? Back in the day in elementary school there was two or three Mac computers with Sim City 2000. Students would run to get it for recess. Two nerds even got into a fight over one. Me and buddy would play it after school. You had to make the whole map. Too bad you couldn’t expand the map. I had an awesome city with my own super hero and low taxes.

I specifically asked for Mario Galaxy 2. I told him to head to Future Shop. I haven’t played it until I’m done with the first one. Right now I’m stuck on this fucking giant mole boss and I have to destroy him before I can go any further. My dad got me some random game for the Wii U. I had to explain to him that I have the Wii but the Wii U is a new video game console that I don’t have.

I got this touch screen Coby M3P because my nano’s batteries last only like a half hour. Big mistake. It is a piece of shit. The volume is fucked up. I only get three radio stations and I’m sure camera doesn’t work. And I can’t find any add-ons. I hope I can return it. I’m sure my dad will be pretty persuasive. However I told him to wait. The stores are crazy busy. Even though Future Shop hires people for the Holidays.

Oh and I got a new laptop. Good thing because the one I’m using this very second sucks ass. It’s slow as fuck and probably has some viruses. It keeps crashing and freezing. The internet keeps quitting on me. And I think the only games I can play now are pong and Pacman. So this time I’m going to start off fresh. Especially no downloading of any kind.

Risk

Risky Business

Every year during the holidays my friends come back home and we drink some beers and play the annual Risk game at my friend’s home. It’s not just any other ordinary board game. It’s world motherfucking domination! And it gets serious. I even trained using Risk on the computer.

If you never heard of Risk it’s an awesome game. But I don’t like to call it a game. You play on a world map that is divided into six continents. They are North America, South America,  Africa, Europe, Asia and Australia mate.

And these continents are divided into countries and territories. It takes place back in colonial times so the world the regions are different. For one thing there is no Middle East, Mexico or Russia. And Greenland is fucking huge.

You have three pieces; a troop worth one, a horse worth five and cannon worth ten. But I rarely use horses or cannons. With these troops you fight your friends. Only I don’t like to call them friends. I call them the enemy. The attacker rolls three dice and the defender rolls two. With higher rolls the enemy loses a troop.

But don’t throw the damn dice on the fucking board and knock everyone’s pieces over. And if it hits the floor it’s a reroll. I suggest a bobble such as the one in Trouble. I just rhymed. And there are cards you collect to trade in for more troops.

So you move around taking over regions and fighting Charlie. If you have captured the whole continent you get extra pieces. The goal is to conquer the world. But this can takes a long fucking time.

This year we started early at a six. It can take hours and lasts in the wee hours of the night. But I don’t have a job and I usually wake up by 12:00. So it doesn’t really affect me. And I drank some noname energy drinks to keep me wide awake.

This is why we don’t allow wives or girlfriends to come over because it gets late and they want to go home. And chicks just don’t like Risk. Good thing I’m single. Hmm. I’m so lonely. But they come anyway and watch stupid T.V. shows and chat about girl things. I’m not sure what they talk to each other about. Maybe hair or tampons. I don’t know.

I’m always the first one out. And then I spend the rest of the night drinking heavily and watching whatever stupid show the women are watching. Like the Bachelorette. Very gay. I don’t like watching a show where guys fight over one chick and cockblock each other.

Part of the reason I’m first to go is because my friends are douche bags and team up on me. Part of the reason is that I go for Australia. I have come to realize now you can never win with the outback. There’s nowhere to go and you’re stuck down below. I just rhymed again.

So we decide to just deal out countries and territories. It’s less stressful that way. Besides choosing countries could take a good half hour. This time my troops were concentrated in two spots; Australia and South America. And my friend Sharp also had his troops concentrated in the same stops.

So I start placing troops in South America. Then he puts troops there. Then I put troops in Australia. Then he copies me. It went back and forth. I ask nicely to just pick one area or we will fuck each other up and neutralize each other. And that’s what exactly happened.

The pieces are rather tiny. So me and buddy had trouble moving them. On account of my shaky hands and because buddy’s fingers are too fat. Nobody likes when people hit all of the pieces. It’s a bitch putting them back in the right locations.

Sometimes it’s a good idea to make alliances. A perfect example is when one player has North America and another has South America. It’s beneficial for both sides not to attack each other and deplete their army. Too bad nobody wants to align with me. The trouble is people just break the alliance. I suggest you have to give at least give at least two move notice. Or it’s not really an alliance now is it.

My friends can be manipulative. They like telling other people what to do. “Hey Joe, you should go for Africa. Otherwise he’ll get three more pieces.” “Don’t listen to him, you can’t let Jim get any stronger.” “Don’t listen to both of them. You’re a smart person you can and you decide.” Then Joe makes a dumb move and everyone else gets pissed off. “Ugh why did you do that?”

Once again all of my troops were in Australia sucking each other’s dicks. I was trapped and couldn’t get any fucking cards. So I made a risky move and attacked but the defensive rolling was hot that night. But at least I wasn’t the first to go. Now I have to wait another damn year.

More Fairy Tale Blogs

I have already written two blogs about a few fairy tales once upon a time. Such as the Three Little Pigs, Little Red Riding Hood, Jack and the Bean Stalk, Goldilocks and Hansel and Gretel.

I’m proud to say people really enjoyed my take on these fairy tales. So check them out in the archives.  So here’s what you have been long awaiting for. More blogs about fairy tales. I have written 14 additional fairy tale blogs and divided them into three parts.

Fairy Tales Part One:

Three Billy Goats Gruff

The tale goes that there are three goats. Talking goats that is. But animals can talk in fairy tales. Or in native stories that they tell around the camp fire. In fact my native name is He Who That Tokes Too Much Leaf.

Anyway there is a small, medium and large goat. Or little brother, older brother and even older brother. Or son, father and grandpa.  It doesn’t really matter.

They smoked all of their grass and decide to smoke the grass on the other side of the river. Because the grass is always green on the other side. But they must cross the river, only they aren’t going through customs.  No, there is a troll hiding under the bridge who wants to eat them.

Little brother is the first to cross. I don’t know why they don’t all cross the bridge together but hey its’ a fairy tale. The little goat is stopped by the troll who says he’s going to gobble him up. The little goat tells him his older brother is going to cross and will be a much bigger meal. I don’t know why the troll just doesn’t eat the goat and if he’s still hungry then he can then eat the bigger goat. Baaah.

The second goats pretty much says the same thing about his older brother. But the oldest goat kicks the troll’s ass and throws him into the river.  We never see troll face again. I think he‘s under some overpass or he is on Broadway. It doesn’t matter. The goats smoke a lot of pot and they live happily ever after stoned.

The moral of the story is that anytime you face a hungry troll just tell him to eat someone else that is bigger who is going to cross the bridge. Even if there isn’t anyone..

The End.

The Princess and the Pea

This has to be the most ridiculous fairy tale ever. I have no clue what’s going on. First off, why do fairy tales have to involve royalty, hidden castles, first born children, protagonists named Jack and wolves and foxes?

Once again a prince is searching for a princess. Which is hard to find because there aren’t too many princesses to pick from. You have Great Brittan and a handful of Middle Eastern princesses. And there are a lot phonies. Like Anastasia; that Romania chick.

Personally I couldn’t give an airborne shit if some hotty is or isn’t a princess. But it would be cool having a sugar momma. And erect huge gold statue of me killing a bear.

So genius places a pea under like 20 mattresses and have random chicks sleep on top of this bed. Then he asks how they slept. Most of them slept fine because they are sleeping on memory foam mattresses or taken nightquil. And most of them think he’s crazy. But it would be fun to jump on.

Then one bitch complained that she was uncomfortable, she couldn’t sleep and might even bruised. And he’s like yes! I got myself a real princess.

Wouldn’t this bitch be the last person you would want to marry? She would bitch and moan nonstop. “Um I think you dropped a skittle under the couch. It’s very uncomfortable. And my feet are cold.” This is exactly why you call someone a princess. Because they are spoiled.

The moral of the story is the writer should stop smoking crack.

The End

The Monkey’s Palm (I know its not really a fairy tale)

So this Mr. White gets this mysterious monkey’s palm off some mysterious man so he can grant three wishes. But this mysterious man warns him about the dangers of the mysterious monkey’s palm. Mr. White wishes for $200. He could have easily wished for a cold million.  But whatever.

However he does get the $200 for compensation when his son dies in some accident in the factory. And I’m thinking only $200? So they burry him. Then Mrs. White wants her husband to wish for his son to come back home. Um she could easily just ask for her husband for the palm so she could give it a shot.

The son comes back to life and is knocking on the front door. But Mr. White soon realizes this could get ugly. Like his son is some kind of zombie. I guess they don’t have a pin hole. So he wishes his son to return to the cemetery and burry himself. Why not just get Mrs. White to wish for everything to go back as it was before?

It’s funny that when I cut off a monkey’s palm I also faced a similar curse. My first wish was to go out with the hottest chick ever; Jennifer Love Hewitt. But she mentioned I was going bald. So I wanted to please her and wished for more hair. However the next day I grew hair all over my body and I turned out looking like Chewbacca. And I have to buy a shitload of razors or buckets of wax. “We need more wax.”.

The moral of the story is be careful with monkey’s palms and make sure you buy them a dependable and reliable monkey palm dealer.

The End

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

I think everyone has heard of this story. But I’ll tell it anyway. So there is this shepherd kid that is herding his sheep. He decides to be an ass and thinks it’s funny if he pulled a prank and tell the villagers a wolf or wolves are killing his sheep. They find out he tricked them and they think boys will be boys.

It was so ridiculously funny he did it again. But then there really is a wolf eating his sheep and he cries. But the villagers are sick of his bullshit and don’t believe him. So he gets eaten alive by the wolf. And the village people are like whoops.

This reminds me when way back in college the fire alarm went off in my dorm. I guess fucking douche decided it would be hilarious to pull the alarm. So everyone had to evacuate the dorm and the fire trucks had to come. Fucking idiot. It was so funny someone else pulled the alarm in the freezing cold. And the fire trucks had to come. Again. Fucking loser.

And guess what, it happened a third time. Sure the alarm was the worst sound ever possibly made and I could potentially burn to death but I was sick of this bullshit. And the fire trucks had to come again. Again.

The moral of the story is that gags and pranks are only funny when nobody gets hurt or if the fire trucks don’t have to come. Except when you steal old people’s walkers. That’s always funny.

The End

Sleeping Beauty

So a king knocked up his wife the queen after him taking some Viagra and her taking fertility pills. They are holding a ceremony for their daughter that seven fairies attend with gifts. Gifts of hotness, wit, grace, break dance and rap music. They just hope nobody got the same thing.

But one fairy is evil and puts a curse on her so that when she pricks her finger on a sewing machine she dies. Another fairy then changes the curse so that when she does prick her finger she goes into a coma for a hundred years until she awakens by a prince.

Therefore the king demands all sewing machines to be banned under the penalty of death. With the parents away, she snoops around the kingdom and finds some old lady with a sewing machine. Old lady didn’t get the message. Curious, she tries sewing and you got it, she pricked her finger.

And she goes into a deep coma. Her royal parents then lay her on a memory foam mattress so she’s comfortable. And made sure no peas were underneath it. Haha.

Afterwards a good fairy decides to put everyone else in the kingdom to sleep for some unknown reason. And then she put trees, brush and other annoying shit around the castle to ward off any intruders. The sign said only princes, no trespassing.

Exactly a 100 years pass by and a prince discovers the castle. Nobody has cut the grass for years and the mailman never stopped delivering the mail. The prince finds the princess and tries to cup a feel and booya she awakes. I guess she needed her ‘beauty sleep’. Haha. Beauty sleep. I am hilarious.

It’s love at first sight so they marry and live happily ever after. Meanwhile the rest of the people also awake and wonder what the fuck happened? In fact many didn’t survive the long slumber. But the story goes that they just picked up what they were last doing and everything was back to normal.

The moral of the story is beware of evil fairies and sewing machines.

The End (To Be Continued).

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

The Greg That Keeps On Giving

I love Christmas shopping. I like to look for the perfect gifts for my family. But I still look for things for me at the same time. I mean I’m already at the mall, I might as well. I get a warm fuzzy feeling when I find something they love. Or need. Like little Timmy’s wheelchair and artificial heart valve.

Every year my mom says she doesn’t want anything. And every year my dad buys her loads of stuff. Like an Ipad that she didn’t want. She even bought her gift for me to give to her. So I got her some movies she might like. And part of my present is going to church with my mom. She likes to show me off to the regulars. But she won’t let me eat the Jesus crackers and the wine because I’m a huge atheist.

If my dad wants something he will just go out and buy it himself. So I pretty much can only buy him Drambuie and turtles. Every year my dad exchanges gifts with his sister. She gets him some expensive sweaters that he never wears. This has been going on for like 20 years. He’s running out of places to keep them. Half of them don’t even fit him anymore.

I bought my bro lots of stuff. Such as South Park Season 15. Sweet! I buy things that I would like. And if he doesn’t want them, I will keep them. And I spent some time putting all of my MP3s together on a USB memory stick. I had over 5,000 songs but I could only fit 4,000. So I had to delete any shitty music. Like Creed.

It’s funny; I don’t really need or want anything at all. Except for a MP3 playa. I searched Future Shop and the IPods were well over a $150. So I got different one for $60. With touch screen. And a camera. I hope it’s just as good. I mean I already have a massive collection of clothes, video games and movies. I don’t need anymore. Maybe some more long sleeve shirts. Maybe some marijuana.

I ask for tons of gift certificates for all of my favorite shops. I’ll use them eventually. Like McDonalds. Mmm. Big Macs. Or Winners, Dollarama, Giant Tiger, Tims, the movie theater. And the strippers.

My aunt already got me $25 to Tim Horton’s. I need my morning coffee. Thanks! She also got me a Tim’s toque. I like hats but I’m not going to wear it. So I called her to thank her and said I love it. It reminds when someone gets you a stupid shirt or some ugly sweater that you will never wear in public. But every time they visit, you have to wear it.

And I asked my brother to surprise me. I think he might buy me a hat or watch. I could use some shoes because I wear them out so quickly from all of the walking I do. Which is pretty much every three months. The problem is I have looked absolutely everywhere for clothes and items. But some good kush would be nice.

My dad always buys me cologne. I just don’t like the smell of men’s cologne. I don’t care if Justin Timberlake endorses it. I rather have the sweet scent of strawberries. And I don’t go to the clubs anymore anyway. But do you think it works on picking up chicks? “Hi handsome. You smell nice.” “Its endeavor, by Guuuchi. I have more at home.” So I give it to my brother.

As for video games; I’m in no rush to get the next generation consoles. For one thing I have a dozen games on the go. I rather wait a year to get Xbox One when it’s cheaper and has a larger library of games. As for Sony I never liked their controllers. And I don’t need a blue ray playa. And I think my friends will also go for the Xbox One too. My brother on the other hand wants a Sony 4. One reason is because it’s more expensive. So he thinks its better.

As for the Wii U, I don’t see the point of having a screen on your controller and watch the television. I hardly have my friends over to play video games with me anyway. And most of my video games are hooked up in my tiny bedroom now. My dad won’t let my hook it up on the big screen. Besides my friends rather play online.

I guess the controller might come in handy for RPGs. Like a map of Hyrule. The 3DS looks cool. I don’t know if the 3D gets annoying after a while, but I might get it for my birthday for next year to play while I’m down in Florida.

So I pretty much know what to expect. I usually get like ten hockey tape rolls. No more bugging other players for tape. I always get socks. Goodbye socks with holes or the ones that don’t match. And enough with the tube socks that look stupid in the summer. I also get undershirts. They get pretty gross after a while. I sweat a lot.

I always get chocolates. Too bad each year my mom gives me the assorted ones where I only like a third of the box. And sometimes they don’t have the damn description of each piece of chocolate. So I have no fucking clue what I’m going to get. Just like Forrest Gump. So I make some trades.

I might as well get Mario Galaxy 2. I see Yoshi is in it. Remember Yoshi? Good fun. I used to draw Yoshi as a kid. And I tried finding this wicked game Xenoblade for the Wii. Too bad it’s a rare gem and nobody carries it anymore. Damn!

Every holiday season my mom’s church asks people to buy gifts for a less fortunate child. Haha, because they don’t get anything for Christmas. Haha. Because they are poor. Haha. Because their father is an alcoholic. Haha. And the church doesn’t want anyone to buy stuff from the dollar store.

But seriously; I helped her out in getting something cool for a 15 year old.  I wanted to get him some expensive stuff but there was a limit for every child. You know when one kid gets an MP3 playa and his brother gets a cassette playa.

So we got him some cheap clothing articles like a cool toque that turns inside out. I picked out a skateboard. My mom picked out a CSI board game. Come on. It was like five bucks. He’s never going to play CSI with his friends. Or even know what CSI is. I thought a Risk board game would be good fun. But again there is that cap. And we got him a few more nicnacs, like a deck of cards. You know so he can play war.

My mom had to get a huge fucking bag for the skateboard. I myself bought a skateboard years ago. I loved Tony Hawk so I thought I’d learn to skate and pull off my own sweet moves. I could barely just skate. I think I managed to pull off an Ollie like three inches. Now it’s collecting dust in the basement along with my electric guitar, boom box, all of my VHS movies, my 13 inch rear projection T.V. And the Atari.

Oh but what I really, really, really, really want for Christmas is the Holy Grail! And everlasting life.