Risk

Risky Business

Every year during the holidays my friends come back home and we drink some beers and play the annual Risk game at my friend’s home. It’s not just any other ordinary board game. It’s world motherfucking domination! And it gets serious. I even trained using Risk on the computer.

If you never heard of Risk it’s an awesome game. But I don’t like to call it a game. You play on a world map that is divided into six continents. They are North America, South America,  Africa, Europe, Asia and Australia mate.

And these continents are divided into countries and territories. It takes place back in colonial times so the world the regions are different. For one thing there is no Middle East, Mexico or Russia. And Greenland is fucking huge.

You have three pieces; a troop worth one, a horse worth five and cannon worth ten. But I rarely use horses or cannons. With these troops you fight your friends. Only I don’t like to call them friends. I call them the enemy. The attacker rolls three dice and the defender rolls two. With higher rolls the enemy loses a troop.

But don’t throw the damn dice on the fucking board and knock everyone’s pieces over. And if it hits the floor it’s a reroll. I suggest a bobble such as the one in Trouble. I just rhymed. And there are cards you collect to trade in for more troops.

So you move around taking over regions and fighting Charlie. If you have captured the whole continent you get extra pieces. The goal is to conquer the world. But this can takes a long fucking time.

This year we started early at a six. It can take hours and lasts in the wee hours of the night. But I don’t have a job and I usually wake up by 12:00. So it doesn’t really affect me. And I drank some noname energy drinks to keep me wide awake.

This is why we don’t allow wives or girlfriends to come over because it gets late and they want to go home. And chicks just don’t like Risk. Good thing I’m single. Hmm. I’m so lonely. But they come anyway and watch stupid T.V. shows and chat about girl things. I’m not sure what they talk to each other about. Maybe hair or tampons. I don’t know.

I’m always the first one out. And then I spend the rest of the night drinking heavily and watching whatever stupid show the women are watching. Like the Bachelorette. Very gay. I don’t like watching a show where guys fight over one chick and cockblock each other.

Part of the reason I’m first to go is because my friends are douche bags and team up on me. Part of the reason is that I go for Australia. I have come to realize now you can never win with the outback. There’s nowhere to go and you’re stuck down below. I just rhymed again.

So we decide to just deal out countries and territories. It’s less stressful that way. Besides choosing countries could take a good half hour. This time my troops were concentrated in two spots; Australia and South America. And my friend Sharp also had his troops concentrated in the same stops.

So I start placing troops in South America. Then he puts troops there. Then I put troops in Australia. Then he copies me. It went back and forth. I ask nicely to just pick one area or we will fuck each other up and neutralize each other. And that’s what exactly happened.

The pieces are rather tiny. So me and buddy had trouble moving them. On account of my shaky hands and because buddy’s fingers are too fat. Nobody likes when people hit all of the pieces. It’s a bitch putting them back in the right locations.

Sometimes it’s a good idea to make alliances. A perfect example is when one player has North America and another has South America. It’s beneficial for both sides not to attack each other and deplete their army. Too bad nobody wants to align with me. The trouble is people just break the alliance. I suggest you have to give at least give at least two move notice. Or it’s not really an alliance now is it.

My friends can be manipulative. They like telling other people what to do. “Hey Joe, you should go for Africa. Otherwise he’ll get three more pieces.” “Don’t listen to him, you can’t let Jim get any stronger.” “Don’t listen to both of them. You’re a smart person you can and you decide.” Then Joe makes a dumb move and everyone else gets pissed off. “Ugh why did you do that?”

Once again all of my troops were in Australia sucking each other’s dicks. I was trapped and couldn’t get any fucking cards. So I made a risky move and attacked but the defensive rolling was hot that night. But at least I wasn’t the first to go. Now I have to wait another damn year.