2012 Florida Trip

I’m back!

 

So for the past four weeks I have been living it up in sunny Florida with my fellow retirees. As you may know I am a reverse retiree. Which means I will enjoy my younger years and I will get a job when I’m 50 years old. The problem is I couldn’t find a computer and haven’t been able to check my mail or Facebook. Well my dad found someone else’s WiFi and we have stealing it ever since. I hope they don’t mind.

 

This year me and my parents got a condo in a community that is built around a golf course. It’s definitely very upscale compared to our other place. For example there are no pets allowed at all. This means there are no annoying yippy dogs. You have to wear a shirt at all times so you don’t see old men’s wrinkly chest and or back hair. But everyone was so nice and would wave or say hello.

 

The ride there was fun. We took my dads SUV and we had loads of room. I should have brought more things like my laptop or more underwear. So we were crossing the Bluewater Bridge and we get to the custody guy. He says hello and everything and then he answers a call. He was on the phone for like ten minutes and I was freaking out. I thought he was going to search us for sure and we would have to unpack and repack everything. We were fine.

 

I brought a portable DVD playa and some movies. I was watching all of my South Park episodes and my mom was like “what kind of filth are you watching?” I love looking at all of the signs; especially the evangelist ones. However I’m a huge backseat driver. I would ask my dad to watch out or leave more room behind the car. He replied that he has never been in an accident while I have and to look out the window. Fair enough.

 

So we finally arrive but the television wasn’t working according the owner and there was no DVD playa. We called Comcast and wasted three days waiting for the guy. He shows up and says you have to point the remote at the box. And that was it. Sorry.

 

By the third day I thought I knew my way around. I thought if I ever get lost I would look for the water fountain, club house or my dad’s SUV. I tell my parents I’m off for a walk to get my Big Mac fix. I left at seven and boom it got dark quick and I’m fucking lost. Everything looked different at night. By ten I’m freaking out. I didn’t have a phone number or a map. All I knew was the address. I finally stop an old people’s car for directions and they told me I was in the wrong park. They even dropped me off. I told my folks I was at the billiards room. Thank the good Lord.

 

On the fifth day we spot a huge alligator we called Ally on the other side of the river from our place. And people are just golfing away and even taking pictures. Next week I’m in the livonia and I see Ally twenty feet away. All that is protecting me is some shitty screen doors and windows. My dad took a picture.  And in the news we heard of this lonely guy that tackled an alligator to save his dog. Apparently his dog is his best friend. Dude its much easier just to get a new dog and new best friend. We also spotted a bald eagle that wasn’t bald.

 

The cool thing about the place is that there is a nearby bar with cheap drinks. It was a ten minute walk from out place. I would talk to all of the fellow retirees and heard some funny tales. For the most part the bartenders were nice and or hot. There was this chubby one with the biggest boobs I have ever seen in person.

 

They even had happy hour between three and six. So for the past three weeks I have been at the bar for happy hour and have been tipping very generously. So I leave my place just before three. I should have remembered my watch was fast because my mom sets all of our clocks fast so she is never late. So I ask for the usual and to get my bill. I look at it and she charged me full price. And I’m like isn’t it happy hour between three and six. And she actually said its not three yet, it is 2:55. And I quote “you should have walked slower.” What kind of crazy bitch does this? Any normal person would either give me the discount or tell me to wait five minutes. Goodbye tip.

 

The fishing was awesome. At first I tried the pond at my uncle’s place on three separate occasions and used an assortment of bait. Nothing. Worse yet, I was just fishing there and then I felt all of these bites. I looked down and I’m standing on a massive fire ant anthill. I got a of ton of bites on my feet. Haha the only bites I got were from insects. Haha I’m hilarious.

 

So my dad paid some fisherman to take us salt water fishing in the channel. I cast and boom I catch a fish right away. This guy was like a tour guide and tells us all of these interesting facts and stories. We even saw dolphins swimming with us. He did all of the hard work. He even made his own bobber that makes a sound that attracts fish when you tug on it.  The weather was perfect, it was early, cloudy and no waves. Me and my dad must have caught twenty fish each. Including a funny looking flounder. We ended up with a bucket of fish that the restaurant cooked for us. Delish.

 

Naturally we played a lot golf.  All I ever need is a driver, a putter, a wedge and a five iron. I found best of ball much more fun and less stressful. I got some cheap balls that I couldn’t give a shit if I lose. My dad on the other hand spends like ten minutes looking for his exoskeleton balls. We were also weary of Ally or his friends the whole time.

 

I spent a lot of time at my favorite aunt and uncle’s trailer park. I mean community. We went to dinner all of the time. One night we met up with my mom’s cousin. His wife had the worst name; Georgegina. It was uncanny; she looked identical to Mrs. Chokesondick from South Park. My aunt Marge is awesome. We are both atheist in a family of hardcore Christians. We argued with my uncle Bob about things like evolution, fossils and how impossible Noah’s arc would be. We couldn’t change his mind the slightness.

 

I totally love the hot tub they have there. I could spend hours just sitting their and chatting with the fellow retirees. One time there was these older guys. They were both crazy looking Vietnam veterans. So buddy looks around and then talks about all of the gooks he has killed. I don’t know if this was true or not but he claimed to make an eyeball necklace. He said they are much tougher than you would expect. What a crazy fuck. But I’m well rested after a needed vacation and ready to return to what I normally do. Which is pretty much playing video games, watching T.V. and smoking weed.