Teen Wolf

Teen Wolf is a classic 80s movie that I loved as a kid. Michael J. Fox stars as some loser teenager that becomes a werewolf. Apparently werewolves run in the family. They don’t mention what happened to his mom. I’m guessing she got hit by truck or something.

I’m hoping the werewolf gene is from his father’s side. Because a female werewolf would be totally gross. I have seen older women with mustaches, chin hair and or leg hair that looks so very wrong. Imagine a full body hairy woman. They would go through Venus razors and hot wax like crazy.

His father never really tells Fox about werewolves. He hoped it would skip a generation. I guess he rather let Fox find out for himself. What I don’t get is why the father never turned into a wolf before Fox finally finds out? You would think the dad would get angry one day or slip and turn into a werewolf.

His dad works at his hardware store. This was long before Wal-Mart crushed the competition. Fox admits he doesn’t want to end up working at the store. Sorry dad.

It has the classic 80s movie formula. Fox is the underdog that becomes infamous when he turns into a werewolf. His basketball team reeks until he gets angry and transforms into the “wolf.” However I don’t think Fox actually plays basketball as the wolf. His basketball double is noticeably bigger and stronger and there is no way Fox could dunk or even play that well.

Boof is the typical girl next door. I hope Boof is her nickname because it’s a horrible, horrible name. Microsoft Word has never even heard of it. However Fox is crazy for Pamela; the typical hot blond that doesn’t acknowledge him until he becomes the wolf. Boof says he could do better. I think she’s wrong; Pam is way hotter than Boof. But Boof puts up with all of Fox’s shit.

Mick is what I call the classic 80s jealous boyfriend. He plays on the opposing basketball team and tells Fox to stay away from his bitch. And Stiles is the cool friend and promoter behind the wolf. He even turns his van into the wolf mobile. And then there is the fat basketball player with the arm. I forget his name but it’s something that has to do with being fat.

So the story goes that Stiles tries to buy a keg from the liquor store for this huge party. He is unsuccessful. He tried the whole ya I’m getting a keg for me and my work friends. But when Fox tries to buy a keg his eyes turn red and he growls. I liked when Stiles surfs on the fan to the party.

They get there and find out there are like ten kegs. But nobody is really drinking, they are just holding onto their cups. What a waste of booze. I would be doing keg stands. It reminds me of my friend Irv’s bachelor party where we had a keg for about a dozen people. But everyone drank their own beer and I’m thinking why not drink the keg first and if it runs out then you can drink your own beer. I don’t remember what my buddy Kev did with it but that’s alcohol abuse.

So they are playing basketball when he turns into a fucking werewolf. And everyone is like holy shit this dude is a fucking werewolf. Stiles likes to call him an animal! The wolf can even smell Stiles stash. My question is would you want to be a werewolf? It would have its perks. You could hear everyone and ease drop on their conversations.

Like any 80s movie there is the part where things are going good and the music is all upbeat. I like when he does some break dancing with the token black guy. The wolf becomes the star but eventually his team gets pissed off because he becomes a hog. As in sports and not the animal.

In the final match Fox tells his team that he’s not playing as the wolf but as himself. Spoiler alert. They win and Fox and fatass are carried away as star players. Fox finally hooks up with Boof and rejects Pam. And then Pam rejects Mick. That’s’ karma. The final music is very catchy.

This reminds me of the classic basketball match between my high school St. Christopher’s and our nemesis St. Pats. I swear to God it was just like out of a movie. I should have been there, but my friend Stics recorded it. My school was down two points and our star player Hane threw the ball from our end at the last second. Guess what, he scored a three pointer and we win. Fucking crazy eh.

Then they made Teen Wolf 2. Instead of playing basketball the wolf boxes. It stared the same cast except for Fox and Stiles. I guess they wanted Fox back but he turned it down. Good move because it’s such an awful movie. Now with Fox being older I think they should make Senior Wolf. Where Fox is a senile werewolf that plays shuffle board for his old age home.