Fast Food

I Need My Big Macs

I love food. And I like it fast. People wonder why I walk all over town. I like to listen to my Ipod and check out movies and video games at different stores. And more importantly I like to eat fast food. I pretty much eat fast food everyday and spend most of my allowance on said fast food. It’s all part of the journey. But I will probably have a heart attack any time soon.

I like to get the specials of the day. I have it all figured out. On Tuesday I hit KFC for a Tuesday special. It used to be called a Toonie Tuesday but every year they raised it by 15 cents and now the special is about $3 plus tax. This includes a leg, a breast and fries. Mmm. And I get water. Haha legs and breasts. Back in the day the gang would prank call Swiss Chalet and ask how their legs and breasts are. Haha.

At Burger King they have the burger of the day. On Wednesday I like to get a Wednesday Whooper for $2. Mmm. But every time I forget to ask them to hold the tomatoes. I love their onion rings. Maybe McDonalds should finally offer some. In Canada they have mozza sticks too. Mmm.

They have the Burger King Kids Club. What a bunch of losers. They try to include every stereotype. You have the token black kid, a dork with glasses called I.Q, some handicap kid in a wheelchair, and a radical kid Kid Vid with shades. He cool because he has those big ass sun glasses that cover his face. I think they’re missing a fat blind kid and an Eskimo.

McDonalds is my favorite burger joint. I have already written a blog about McDonalds and what the fuck Grimace is. I think I called it Ronald the Faggy McDonald because I hate clowns and he looks like pedophile. Anyway I love Big Macs and Mcnuggets like I love a newborn child. The secret sauce on a Big Mac is mayo and thousand island dressing. As for Mcnuggets I like five honeys and five sweet and sour dipping sauces.

But money is tight and I usually order from the value menu and order water. As for dessert I love caramel sundaes. Mmm. The thing is when you ask for a tiny slice of cheese they charge like a buck because they can get away with it. Bastards!

Have you seen the movie Supersize Me? If you haven’t, for a whole month this guy Morgan Spurlock only ate at McDonalds. His health plummeted and he gained weight. At one point the doctor advised him to stop. He made it, and afterwards McDonalds ended the whole supersize upgrade. And then there were those two fat chicks that filed a lawsuit at McDonalds because they’re fat. But the good news is there new wraps are awesome. Mmm.

A&W is my second favorite fast food restaurant. And the Mozza Burger is my second favorite burger. Mmm. I only go if they have coupons or sales. For one thing they give you huge glass mugs and you don’t have to order root beer. And their onion rings are awesome. But I don’t like the whole different burgers for each family member. I have no fucking clue what the difference is between a teen burger, a papa burger, a brother in law burger or an illegitimate son burger.

Taco Bell used to be a cheap. I remember getting tacos for 60 cents. Not anymore. I have to order a taco supreme just to get some sour cream. I love fries supremes, meximelts and Mexican pizza. If you have ever seen Bowling for Columbine, my hometown Sarnia is in for a few minutes. I don’t know why but whatever. Michael Moore interviewed our Mayor and then two idiots and a fat ugly chick with green hair in front of our Taco Bell.

Harvey’s is an awesome Canadian burger joint. If you are ever visiting Canada then you must check it out. They take a little longer grilling the burgers, but it’s worth it. The cool part is that you get to pick and choose whatever toppings you want for no additional charge. Except for cheese. Bastards!

They have every topping you can think off, like hot peppers, barbecue sauce, large pickles and relish. But every time someone asks for everything on it, they still ask if you want peppers or whatever. I usually order ketchup, mustard, mayo, lettuce and onions. They have awesome hot dogs and poutine fries too. And for all of those self-righteous vegans, they make veggie burgers. Eww. Tofu is gross.

Where the fuck is the beef, dammit?! Wendy’s is all right. But I get kind of sick of it. Like their nuggets. I only order a BLT or spicy chicken burger and frostys. And Wendy is such an ugly redhead ginger girl. Was there an actual Wendy? Too bad Dave Thomas kicked the bucket. For business class we saw a documentary on Dave and apparently he couldn’t even read a short script for a two second commercial. He had like twenty outtakes.

Sometimes I like to change it up a bit and get Arby’s. At home I’m not the biggest roast beef fan but I love it at Arby’s because of their special sauce and melted cheese. They’re curly fries are tasty. But they have these stupid burgers loaded with toppings. Like having a burger with onion rings. Can’t you just eat the onion rings while eating the burger? What’s next, a burger with an omelet, anchovies or icream?

Subway is probably the healthiest fast food joint that I go to. Back in college there was a Subway right across the road from my dorm that took student meal cards. I love their roasted chicken and pizza subs. Mmm. Normally I get lettuce, cheese and some lines of mayo. There are so many good memories of being completely hammered and ordering some subs.

However my friend Stics was wasted and when he paid with his debit card some asshole saw his password. The next day he finds out he left his debit card at Subway and that the asshole withdrew something like $200 five times. And Stics didn’t do anything about it. I would have complained and ask to check the camera. But that’s just me. Anyway all of this talk about fast food is getting me hungry. To McDonalds here I come!