Happy Birthday To Me

Well it’s the best day of the year, my birthday. 25 years old where does the time go? I actually forget how old I am sometimes. So I have to think, I was born in 1982 and so if I subtract it from 2011 that mean, uh I need a calculator. I always thought I was like Peter Pan and be a child for the rest of my life. In fact I still use the phrase when I grow up I want to be a dentist. Funny side story, when I was kid and they asked what you want to be I said a robber.

I guess my relatives forgot is my big two five. Of course the only other person I know when is their birthday is Irving because it’s on ground hog day. I didn’t even get a card from my god parents. Usually I get something like happy bearday! With a bear wearing a party hat. And I’m like that’s cute but where’s the money you cheap bastards! For my parents birthday I used to make cards, which my mom loved. My dad wasn’t as thrilled.

I love having birthday parties as a kid. I would invite as many people as possible. Kids I didn’t even like. I just thought presents! Maybe it’s because my mom is so cheap and the only time I get toys is for my birthday and Christmas.

I love cake. I usually get mud cakes with gummy worms or vanilla frosting cake with sprinkles. I remember I used to eat the left over frosting. In fact a couple of years ago I got really really stoned and ate frosting out of the can. Not the smartest decision, I could have got diabetes.

I got the Wii! Again. I don’t know how it happened but I got the Xbox 360 and so my brother got the Wii. And he invested so much in that it’s his now. And my mom didn’t even rap it because I pretty much picked it out. Anyway in addition to a watch, a helicopter and a death ray, the Wii is the only thing wanted. I already have 100s of games and clothes. Because if I want something now I use my allowance to get it. There is one more Nintendo DS I want to get to complete my video game collection. Maybe if I didn’t drink so much beer and eat so many Big Macs for one week I could afford it. It’s called Radiant Historia and got good reviews if you have a DS and give a shit.

Anyway I’m going to get really drunk and maybe hit all of the bars and get free shots.  And eat all of the pizza pockets because it’s my big day and I can do what ever I want. Greg you puked pizza pockets all over the carpet. But hey it’s your birthday. I’ll clean it up. Happy Birthday. I love you.

Huge Boobs How To Make Bombs Drunk Lesbians Weed Cross Dressers Jesus God Brittney Spears Nude (and other key words people may use to search the web for)

I was looking up the traffic sources for my blogpage because I was curious how people found out about it. I know most people are people I know found that found out about my page through facebook. Some of the key words people used to find my page were fucked up. Some of the messed up ones were “ass rammers,” “little blue gay,” “centaur can’t reach own butt” and “centaur hung like a horse.” Who the fuck are these perverts that search for gay centaur porn on the internet. I hope they aren’t disappointed that when they look up smurf porn they get to my page without any porn or even any pictures at all.

Psychics for Dummies

Here’s my own paradox about fortune telling, but I’m sure someone beat me to the punch. Let’s say the psychic says that some chick is going get knocked up and she warns her not to have sex with some dude. So she doesn’t have sex. The problem occurs that fortune teller would have seen the new future of her not having sex but that means her early prediction of her getting knocked up wouldn’t happen. Do you see where I’m going with this?

Psychics are the dumbest thing ever. If it was real then they be billionaires by now. Think sciencetifaclly (I can’t spell) here. If they were true than scientist would have done millions of tests on this psychic phenomena. But they don’t because they’re scientist and not idiots. I wonder how this fortune telling works. How far can they predict; the end of time? And how much can they predict? I mean the brain can’t possibly function with this overload of information. Believers might think they can only predict so much and the person has to be there. Again stupid. I don’t how the fuck you can see in the fucking future in a fucking crystal ball. They would be selling these balls on EBay and everyone would be psychic and destroy the space time continuum as we know it.

Eat something!

I was watching a Lady Gaga video with my mom. First off, it takes like 3 minutes for the music to begin. I love the song but after the twentieth damn time it gets really really annoying. And Gaga looks like a fucking skeleton. I said holy shit (watch you friking language – my mom) is she ever skinny and gross. And my mom says she got a great figure.

That’s the thing about anorexia; I think girls have a huge obsession to be skinny. Its cliché but they have a poor body image. I kind of think women want to be like how they looked as kids. News flash guys like boobs, hips and asses. Well I do. I like the curves. I like women and not 12 year old girls. I think the perfect age is 21 where they can drink in the States. Its 19 over here in Canada for my American friends. Don’t get me wrong though; there are girls with naturally slim bodies.

I too suffered the sling of anorexia, well kind of. As a kid I looked like a starving Ethiopian. In fact my dad and brother had this long standing joke about me being adopted. I used to eat everything all of the time and never gained an ounce. I had like no muscles and my legs looked like Big Birds. I could barely lift my ten pound bowling ball. But was I fast. I could run forever like fucking Forrest Gump. My brother and his friend recommend I do wrestling where I face opponents in my own weight category. Well I got it in my head that I should lose more weight to make it to the 88 pounds category. Sure enough I was the tough one for my weight because of my dragon’s blood. But it sucked big time. All I thought was about food and Faggo Pop, I mean Faygo Pop. It never occurred to that maybe eating was more important than doing well at wrestling. Well I finally snapped and starting eating like crazy to gain some weight. I would eat butter and lots of meat. And I hit the gym and after like four months I gained twenty pounds and way more muscle. My point is what makes us happy. We shouldn’t put how we appear before being happy. Eat sensibly and exercise.

You Are Not Looking For These Droids

I recall we had a hypnotist come to high school a long time ago. I knew well before that hypnosis is all bullshit. But this was supposed to be funny. Of course right off the bat he says he can’t hypnotize you if you don’t want to. He chooses the people and obviously the most outgoing come on stage. He starts off with these exercises and actually makes cuts. And they gone all along with it. It was funny, but I later I was with my friends and I made the comment on how phony that was. And they unanimously say no they were hypnotized. And I felt like I taking crazy pills. All he did was use this deep but cool voice, make them close their eyes and he made these suggestions. He didn’t even use a fucking medallion. Look if someone had the power to hypnotize people the world would be at their mercy. I give there is always the slim chance that some crazy person under a lot of drugs could be suggestive. But now you have police that use hypnosis on victims to recreate their memories that are completely inaccurate. Where did he touch you. Jedi powers on the other hand work on the weak minded. You want to take off your clothes.

Fantastic Foursome

Invisible Bitch has some cool powers. I’m not sure how it works. Do her clothes also turn invisible or can she only do it with her special uniform.. Because I hope she can get invisible tampons with wings for those heavy days. Of course nothing good comes out of being invisible for most people. Think of all of the things you could do. You can sneak into Disney Land or steal chocolate bars. Her force field is pretty handy as well.

I’ve always feel sorry for the Thing. Not only does he have boring powers he’s an orange brick freak. Now I realize it’s just a comic book and I shouldn’t read into it that much but how does his body operate? Does he have a brick heart?  Does he eat rocks? His hands are pretty useless, imagine him trying to sign a care package or opening some Tylenol (cause he has a pounding head ache!) And you can’t really fit in with the general public. People would notice him. I know the ladies love it big and hard, but the only girlfriend he’s getting is the hand; which is probably not fun either.

Torch is pretty cool too. I would love to fly; no more walking for me. Of course I don’t know how his flames work? Does he just think of it and bam! Because that could be very dangerous to non super heroes. Oh honey you tits are great and you’re making me hot. And fuck I burnt another hooker. By the way what’s worse third degree or first degree?

And then you have Stretch Armstrong. This has got to be the craziest super power. But how far can he stretch? I mean can he grow like 100 feet tall? We all know the first thing he did with his powers is grow a 20 inch dick. But how long is too long? I mean you don’t want it dragging on the ground.

I always wondered if super heroes can play competitive sports. In football all you have to do is pass the Thing the ball and let him walk down the field. Mr. Fantastic can straight arm guys 30 feet away or just stretch his arm with the football down the end zone. Invisible Bitch can just disappear and hang out in the end zone for a pass. And Flame on could fly for a touch down and give some third degree burns to the other players.

I'm Batman Motherfucker!

I love the old 60s Batman movie where he has shark repellent on his belt. I think he’s obsessed with calling everything bat something. For breakfast I will try having a bat shaped omelet and some bat juice. I’m sure he calls his cell phone the bat phone with a batman song ring tone. Dun na nuna duna Batman! And when he makes sweet love to Cat Women or whoever he uses the bat condom with bat lubrication and does it batty style. And whoever builds these cars, helicopters and gadgets. It would be more realistic to have a Beamer with some stickers and a bat spoiler. Does he need to upgrade the Bat Computer because his monitors are huge, his internet sucks and he can’t even play World of Warcraft. Do you think he gets viruses when he’s downloading bats doing it. I know if Batman took the bat computer to Future Shop those idiots have no clue. I love the Batmobile but that must be really bad on gas especially with the prices so high. I like to fill up on silver octane and my bat windows need scrubbing. Oh shit, I locked my bat keys in the batmoblie. The whole bat signal doesn’t work, I’ve tried. And it’s a little gay to have some boy with absolutely no powers or skills follow him around. I’m Batman, and uh this is Robin. No I’m not a child molester. And Robin’s tiny little mask isn’t covering anything, it’s worse than Superman’s hidden identity.

Value Village

I went to Value Village a while ago and bought this TV. I know the whole As Is sticker is a huge warning sign. But it said tested and I assumed whoever donated it got a new television. I get back home and I get nothing but fuzz. So I go back and try to return it and the dude won’t let me. I’m like it said it was tested. And he was like we couldn’t really test it but the power worked. He says he couldn’t refund it because he could lose his job. And I’m like ya you got a great job here. Zing. And he says its only $17 and I’m like its $17 that’s a lot of money for me. So I pull a Mark Merchant and start swearing at him. Well the manager finally gives him the okay and I get my $17, which I probably spent on weed and Big Macs. Greg one, Value Village zero. Of course it wasted gas and more important my time. My World of Warcraft character Gorak could have reached level 23 in that time. And who the fuck donates a broken televisions? That’s almost as bad as donating boxers with skid marks.

Ghost

Now I’m a very gullible and paranoid person. I’m always exited about winning cruses in the mail or thinking everyone is against me. But whoever believes in ghost is crazy. Think about the physics. What kind of molecules are they made of. It makes no sense. Are we to believe ghosts are outside the laws of physics? Or are they made of exmoplasitic matter. I mean scientist have located DNA strands but have yet to find any concrete evidence of ghost.

Why wouldn’t a ghost go straight to white house and do a press conference. Okay, I am Abraham Lincoln the ghost and uh we are real. It’s been a running joke of us ghosts to fuck with individual people. Making noises, stairs creaking and shutting windows to make otherwise rational people go crazy. But Bill the ghost fucked up our secrecy by appearing at a Tina Turner concert in front of millions and got caught in a net. Thanks buzz kill Bill.

How can you possibly believe in religion and in ghosts? Did the ghost not make to Heaven or Hell? Why would God send down these trapped souls to haunt their duplex they group up in? Honey, our duplex is haunted. Every time I try to watch television and try to catch the few remaining Oprah shows this gay porn turns on. People say that they have something important to complete so they can finally rest. Like the ghost who needs to beat Zelda 2 Links Adventure before he can reach heaven.

What would you do if you were a ghost? First I’d fly around a bit and scare people I hate or celebrities. Then I would appear before Stickley and tell him to go to the Dagobah System to speak with Yoda. Then I would haunt Aaron’s mansion and keep stealing his spoons. Finally I would play Call of Duty with Irving.

Cock Sucker

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.