Ughh What Did He Write?

I was chatting with one of my biggest fans Lisa. She said she can’t comment anymore for some reason. That’s too bad because I love any kind of comments. So I don’t know how many people have tried to comment. It feels good when people leave positive messages about my blog page. But I told Lisa about this one commenter that left a confusing message in my spam box a while ago. She said to post it because it’s funny. I think they’re by the same guy. Here it is by anonymous:

“Search engines show relevant pages in top rankings and show them one by one based on content quality and site popularity criteria. Search engines like Google, Yahoo & MSN would rank your website higher or lower in the search engine results depending on your link popularity. In fact most of these SEO applications were designed by SEO experts that are tired of doing the same thing repeatedly. Look at my web site ... kontent machine review on”

“A competent specialist is commonly well aware of entire know-how that is needed on an successful copy writing and useful affiliate marketing. Search engines love nothing more than good quality unique content. SEO Software Review #2 - Advanced Web Ranking is deemed to be the second finest program currently offered in the market because this program offers various beneficial functionalities such as effective link building and management elements. My webpage - wicked article creator software”

You and your big words. As I mentioned earlier, I’m no Stephan Hawking. So I have no clue what you’re talking about. Next time in English please. Normally when people comment about my blogs they say how funny my posts are. Hey anonymous, what’s the point of your first paragraph? Are you saying my blog page is unpopular? I mean you found it.

And in the second paragraph, what are you getting at? Am I not competent? I never copy write anything or use marketing of any kind. I admit sometimes I do a lot research by looking up Wiki encyclopedia, Youtube, IMDB, fan sights and movies. But it’s all my material. When I do my top ten blogs, it’s my top ten and I don’t borrow other people.

So sorry I’m not going to visit any webpages. Not because I don’t want to, but I’m afraid of viruses. And coming from a person who has terrible grammar and is the king of typos, you misspelled “kontent” (unless you’re Russian or something). And “on an successful” should be “on a successful.” As in the Toronto Maple Leafs on a successful winning streak.

Around the World in100 Days

I haven’t done much travelling in my life. In my grade 8 class field trip we went to Quebec, Quebec. Since Quebec is the French province of Canada, I brought along a French dictionary with me. Everyone tried to order food in French and each time the waiter tells us they speak English.

I brought my camera and took stupid pictures of the sights and buildings instead of pictures of my friends and classmates. You should cherish these moments forever. I mean when would you like to look back at Cheau Frontenac or a Bonhomme ice sculpture?

I go to Florida once a year with my parents. We drive across the States beginning with Michigan. We never stop in Ohio. We wait until we hit the redneck states like Kentucky and Tennessee. I love Florida and I write a blog each time we visit. So check out my older blogs about my Florida trips.

And that’s it. I would love to go hitchhiking all across the world except I have nobody to go with. God I’m so desperately lonely. Or better yet, I’d sail a across the world on a hot air balloon. I would of course put Canadian flags on my bags. I even heard Americans do the same because everyone loves Canada.

Here are some places I’d like to visit:

Great Brittan

My dad was born in England and moved to Canada when he was young. My relatives owned a pub. That would be awesome to have my own pub. I’d probably become an alcoholic.  I would definitely go golfing in Scotland and watch some Manchester United soccer. I mean football. I always wonder why they call American football, football. It has nothing to do with feet. They should call it handball or throwball.

Japan

I love Japanese culture and big cities. I noticed a lot of Asian students at college hang out with each other exclusively. But the first thing I’d do in Japan is make friends with white or other North American people. Its funny, on my floor there was this hot black chick that we’d hang out with. Well buddy went to sit down with her and her black friends and one big guy said something like “what are you doing here white boy?” Maybe it wasn’t funny.

Jamaica

Obvious. I would love to buy a brick of weed and just smoke it wherever I want, mon. No more hiding behind the church to get high mon. And I love reggae music and hot weather mon. And my only friend who doesn’t smoke weed goes to Jamaica and right off the bat people try to sell him weed. Take me with you!

Italy

I think it would be cool to see all of the sights and sounds of Italy, like the Coliseum or Leaning Tower of Pizza. I’d have to go through Venice and see how the roadways are water. And I would love to see the Vatican. I also love Italian food and mobster movies.

Thailand

Ever since I watched the awesome movie the Beach I have the biggest urge to visit Thailand. For one thing everything is cheap, like your mom. I’d hope to watch some real kickboxing. Maybe Sagat verses Bison. However I just hope nobody plants drugs in my bag and I end up in jail forever.

Australia

I would love to see the outback and I’d bring my poke balls with me. Maybe I’d catch a psychduck, a kangaskhan or a dodrio. And being Canadian, I’d challenged any Aussie to a drinking contest. I also would like to go snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef and catch a Nemo.

Holland

Again it’s obvious why I’d to Holland. Amsterdam baby! Where everything is legal. Like it should be. I’d have to hit the red light district and maybe the mountains; if they have mountains. I’d probably buy some shrooms, weed brownies and finally try some real absinthe.

Here are some places where I don’t want to visit:

Vietnam

I would never want to visit a country whose name is synonymous of a fucking war. I have already seen Platoon, Apocalypse Now and Full Metal Jacket. I don’t like jungles and I don’t want to get pick pocketed. Although I always keep my wallet in my front pocket.

North Korea

I would stay far away from Korea as I can. They are a communist country with an evil dictator with a Napoleon complex. Kim, haha girl’s name, likes parades. Have you seen the soldiers walk in sequence? I guarantee someone misses a step and they are shot. And their families and dog get shot too. And they might soon have nuclear weapons. Scary.

China

China seems overcrowded and polluted. There are just too many damn people in a small area. The funny thing is that soon millions will be retired or just too damn old to work and there are not enough young people to support them. And since parents want boys instead of girls many men might turn gay.

Russia

Russia is too damn cold. It’s cold in Canada, so why would I want to visit somewhere else even colder.  And there’s nothing really interesting to see there. Plus I’d have to carry a lot of clothes with me. But I always wanted one of those Russian hats. Maybe I’d get a hot mail order bride. It’s just I know they are there for a free ticket to Canada, she wouldn’t love me and she wouldn’t want to live with me in my parents basement.

Iraq

I have already written how much George W. Bush and the Iraq war infuriates me. Iraq citizens and American soldiers were much, much better off with Saddam. You can’t liberate a country by blowing the shit out it for oil. You couldn’t pay me to go there.

Brazil

It pains me to see the rainforest cut down. The rainforest is vital to Earth by releasing oxygen. But you have to look at the native’s perspective. They have to feed their families and this might be the only way they can. I would never want to go there. There are too many things there that I’m afraid of. Like piranhas or those worm fish that get lodged in your fucking dick.

Israel

Way back in high school long before the Iraq war I dressed up as a suicide bomber for Halloween. I thought of it when found my dad’s Middle Eastern robe and beard. So I cut off those red golf club tubes, used some wires and tabbed the dynamite on my stomach. It looked authentic and was fucking awesome. Too bad the photos my mom took didn’t develop right and I can’t find the costume now. That’s why I’d never want to go to Israel or other backward Middle Eastern countries. I don’t like getting blown up.

France

Ribbit. French people piss me off. They just seem so snooty and stuck-up. There was this French foreign exchange student next to my room in college. He didn’t use soap and spent most of his time in his room. I tried to initiate conversations or invite him to go to the bar with me a couple of times but he turned me down. I did see him at the bar though with his foreign friends and he didn’t even introduce me to them. Finally one day he snapped on me because I kept hitting snooze on my alarm. Hey asshole, next time just ask for me to turn it off. Anyway I hate wine. And what would I do in Paris anyway. Wow the Eifel tower, neat.

Atheism

Hi I’m Greg and I am an atheist.

I already have written about Jesus, the Ten Commandments, Genesis, Noah’s Arc, Heaven and Hell and other religious topics. I plan on writing about Armageddon. Only because I think the bible is funny.

But it’s not like I’m proud of it. I’m not going to look down on people who have different beliefs than me. I’m not like “haha these fools believe in God. Haha.” At the same time I’m not a bad person because I don’t share other people’s beliefs.

In fact some of the most religious people turn out as the biggest sinners. Like those evil fucking pedophile priests. And the catholic churches are running low on priests. Maybe if they were allowed to marry and have other people in the community to help out we wouldn’t have such a shortage.

I remember my first confession I didn’t know what to say really. I think I told father that I stole $5 from my mom’s purse and made fun of the dorks in my class. I mean really, why do we have to seek a priest when we could just pray to God and ask Him for forgiveness. “Father I had sex with a raccoon. Again. Forgive me.” “Haha. I’m sorry. I want you to say ten thousand rosaries.” I wonder how the priest reacts to more hardcore shit. Like having sex with dead bodies or even killing someone!

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I’ll reiterate what I have written before. I think for the average Christian that believes in God and may or may not go to church is great. I’m glad they think God loves them and they’ll go to Heaven when they die. Religion really is an opium for the masses. I find it a defense mechanism that people can’t cope with dying. I wish I was going to Heaven.

Right near my house there is a Mormon church. Or what is known as the Church of Latter Day Saints. And there is usually a cop car in the parking lot at night. It’s so funny I’m considering of going to mass there. I have seen a South Park episode all about the Mormons, so check it out.

Its basically saying that Jews used to live in North America but have sinned and God turned them brown and now they are native Americans. That’s just a little racists to both races. I mean Jews would never sell land unless they can make a good profit. And because of this they wouldn’t sell Long Island for some fire water.

So around the 1800s this guy Joseph Smith, real original name, was visited by angels and even the man upstairs. One vision that told him about these golden plates which Joe used to write the book of Mormons. And this horny bastard wrote about polygamy. That’s cool that you can have sex with many wives and they will do all of the chores. But this means some unlucky guys would miss out on having any wives. Or they fight over the fat chicks.

Then you have these asshole evangelists. I already wrote about Jesus Camp. My roommate came to me one day and said you have to watch this movie, Jesus Camp. He was pissed off. And he should have been. Then I downloaded it. Some parts are funny, some are just sad and some are unbearable to watch.

First off the councilor is a fat beast who said “people are getting fat and lazy.” And she said “this world is a sick world.” Hey bitch the world has its problems but on the whole it’s great place that God has created. And they’re brainwashing these kids. The funniest part is when rat boy is watching this show where they are making fun of evolution. And that how could we go from slime to people. The kid laughed like crazy. Clearly they don’t understand evolution.

These crazies even have a cardboard standup of former president George I’m a Retard W. Bush. Fat beasts tells them to say hello to the President. That’s so stupid. I hate that fucker for what he has done and the whole Iraq war. I also wrote a blog about the white devil Bush way back in the day. So check it out.

Then there is Ted Haggard. He is or was the leader of some of those huge hardcore evangelical churches. He got caught having sex with a man and doing meth. And then he admits to being weak or something. I’m pretty sure he knows he’s full of shit. Then there are all of these people who donate to these churches. Even people on welfare. My aunt is one of them. There are more important causes like giving to the poor and needy. And not buying these ministers gold watches, expensive suits and a nice haircut. And prostitutes and meth.

I consider all churches of being a little crazy. I find Christianity no different than Greek mythology. But the craziest religion has to be Scientology. It was created by a science fiction writer L. Hubbard. Yes a science fiction writer. To clarify, that’s an author that makes up shit. Scientology has nothing to do with science or ologies. Again there is a South Park episode about scientology. Because of this Isaac Hayes, who did the voice of chef, left because he is a member of scientology.

I won’t get into the details because this is some fucked up story.  I’ll try my best. We are actually aliens called thetans. There is this galactic emperor Xenu from 75 millions years ago. All the planets were overpopulated so Xenu froze some aliens and trapped their souls. Using airplanes Xenu sent these souls to Earth, which was called Teegeeack, and sent them into volcanoes. When these aliens rose some contraption called an electric ribbon prevented them. So we are trapped in bodies and somehow we experience pain and suffering because of this.

So we are audited. This is deep counseling where some dude asks a series of questions. They use an E-meter which is really a piece of shit electronic device that has nothing to do with anything. The part that bothers me is you have to pay money to get to the “next level.” I think Scientology is cult for crazy people, like Tom Cruise who is brainwashing his daughter. John Travolta is also a member. I think he really needs to see a physiatrist and work on his homosexual tendencies.

In the end I don’t give a fuck about these western religions that don’t affect me. It’s those crazy Muslim and Middle Eastern religions where they think blowing themselves is a great idea.

Anyway, another good movie about religion is Religulous by Bill Maher. It’s both a hilarious and eye opening documentary on religion. The two best parts is when Maher is talking to a pothead in Amsterdam and says his hair is on fire. Or when he interviews a Senator who said “you don’t have to pass an I.Q. test to be a Senator.” Maher didn’t look impressed. Finally I like the song Dear God by XTC. It’s catchy and pretty much summarizes everything I feel about religion. I’m going to Hell.

E.T.

The Extra Extra-Terrestrial

I haven’t seen E.T. forever. I never really liked it was a kid. I saw it at Goodwill for a dollar and thought what the fuck I’ll give it another shot. And I still don’t really like it. E.T. and Elliot kind of bugged me.

The movie begins with these ugly naked midget aliens’ colleting plants and shit. E.T. wanders off and his ship leaves without him. Haha. This is where my mom would say “why didn’t they wait for him; they must have known that one of them is missing.” Yes mom, then there wouldn’t be a movie now would there.

There is a government agency after them. I assumed they were the evil kind. But why would they leave without him? It’s a tiny fucking ship and there could only be so many aliens aboard. I guess they have never heard of the buddy system. It’s kind of like when William Defoe misses the helicopter in Platoon. And why didn’t they go back when they realize they fucked up and E.T. is stranded on this planet that is killing him? By the way his name is really Rick.

Elliot is this young boy who discovers Rick. I mean E.T. He lives with his mother, his brother and his younger sister Drew Barrymore. They don’t get into the details but the father is a deadbeat dad that left them. I think he fucked his much younger secretary and went to Vegas to live with her.

Elliot pays for a pizza and finds E.T. rummaging in his shed. E.T. flees into the forest and Elliot drops the pizza. I would have still eaten it. His older brother Michael is playing D&D with his friends. Losers! Elliot tells them about it but they don’t find anything and they think he’s crazy. Or he just saw some coyote.

Elliot decides leave a trail of Reece pieces to his home. By the way I love all of these hidden advertisements they have in the movie. Just like in the Goonies, Sloth says Baby Ruth or Chunk gets a Dominos pizza at the end. Right now I’m enjoying a warm bottle of Budweiser and some room temperature Big Macs. I forget how E.T. finds the trail but whatever. I would have used a bear trap or a pit.

Once E.T. comes inside their home, Elliot makes his siblings a pact not to tell anyone. Including their mom. So Elliot pretends to be sick and plays with his new E.T. His mother is bit of a bitch because she doesn’t want him to watch T.V. What else is he going to do? They don’t have Gameboy yet. Of course what’s there on T.V. in the 80s anyway? Aside from the Golden Girls.

Elliot tries to teach E.T. about our world. And then E.T. uses his telekinesis to show three balls representing his solar system. Like that’s going to help. Telekinesis is stupid. It’s when you use your mind to move objects. You have to look it a scientifically. Your thoughts are the result of millions of nerves and synapses’ connections and have no bearing on things outside of your brain. If people actually have telekinesis than people would use them. Or at least have a Youtube video.

E.T. demonstrates how he can revive things such as a dead flower. Cool. The next day while Elliot is at school, Elliot and E.T. experience this telepathic connection where Elliot is feeling what E.T. is feeling. So when E.T. starts drinking booze, Elliot is getting shit faced. Then Elliot hits on a girl.

Later that day the class is dissecting frogs. Oh, I love frogs. Why not dissect rats or something else? Back in high school we were dissecting pig hearts. And buddy tried eating it and said it was really tough and chewy. So Elliot freaks out and releases all of the frogs. I hope it’s for the best.

E.T. is literally getting home sick and Elliot is also getting sick too. E.T. begins collecting random junk like a speak and spell, umbrella, coffee can, saw and other useless junk for a makeshift telecommunicator to “phone home.” It’s really a piece of shit that just would not work. “Can you here me now?” Haha.

It’s Halloween and they dress E.T. as a ghost. I guess it’s really supposed to Drew. Elliot is riding a bike with the E.T. in the basket. Neither one is wearing a helmet. And then E.T. uses his powers to fly into the forest and land by a good spot to use the device.

This is one of the most famous cinematic scenes of all time when they’re riding the bike in the sky against a full moon. And because of this tons of stupid movies spoof this scene. But they’re not even funny. “Haha. Jay is riding a bike with a monkey in the basket. And what’s this! They are riding in the air with a full moon in the background just like E.T. Priceless!”

E.T. makes the call to his alien friends with his piece of shit contraption. He went over his minutes. He should have pay as you go. Elliot finds him dying and brings him home. Elliot’s mother finds out just before the government surrounds the house and quarantines it. I find out that the government isn’t as evil as I suspected. However the government can’t heal E.T.

Again I missed some parts. E.T. is dying along with that flower. Elliot has a heart to heart and E.T. comes back to life because his ship is coming back. His stomach begins to glow. I guess he had too many hot wings. Then E.T. touches Elliot’s finger just like in the 16^th Chapel where Adam touches God’s finger.  And then E.T. boards his ship. And that’s pretty much it.

The movie broke blockbuster records, surpassing even Star Wars. So geniuses decide that because of its popularity they should make an E.T. video game on the Atari. It was so terrible they couldn’t give it away. Literally. They actually dug a hole somewhere in New Veda and buried these useless cartridges.

It’s a good movie for drinking games. Whenever Elliot screams E.T. or E.T. mumbles Elliot you have to take a shot. I hope you have enough liquor because it happens all the fucking time. I myself am from Galacticalla off the third star of Xanaoca. I am studying you humans for an invasion. But we went over budget and I’m left here with you primitive apes. God I’m so desperately lonely.

The Kwik-E Mart

When I was a kid, me and the gang would walk to the Kwik- E Mart and buy some candy and hockey cards. Back then the clerks were white. I’m not trying to stereotype, be racist or exaggerate but now they are all East Indian or Chinese. I mean you come to our country to live the Canadian dream and you end up working at a convenience store intended for teenagers and dropouts.

Way back, there were two convenience stores on the corner. One was Beckers until new owners changed it to Daisy Mart. The clerk was this funny Chinese immigrant just so happy to be here. He was always smiling and even bowing. But after some years he got used to our society and became a bit of an asshole.

Soon all of the variety stores carried movies. At Daisy Mart all movies cost a dollar for one night. But if you return it after six the next day he charged double late fees. So it would cost me three bucks. I understand that part of the reason he doesn’t like late movies is because the real money is when people rent them, they usually buy other things. Fine be a prick.

One time I rented three movies and the next day there was a blizzard and my dad didn’t come home till 7:00. We get there at 7:30 and he charged us six bucks because we were an hour and a half late. Even though nobody was going to rent them anyway in a fucking blizzard.

So my dad got angry and he had a word with him. Now my dad refuses to go there and instead he goes to the other variety store, where the Chinese people there are nice and the movies are still only $2. Now whenever I go to Daisy Mart, me and the clerk don’t say a word.

I have a sweet tooth. Ever since I was a kid I loved candy. Too bad all that sugar wasn’t too good for my teeth. I love getting Fun Dip, Nerds and Gobstoppers. Mmm. So sometimes I smoke some weed and buy the five cent candies like sour kids, pop bottles, sour keys, fuzzy peaches and of course gummy bears. I count them in fives, much easier that way. But asshole clerk would go as far as counting them because who knows I could be ripping him off a few cents.

Since Canada is getting rid of the penny I wonder if the prices will be more expensive. I also wonder if they will round up anything with 99 cents to a dollar or round down to 95 cents. This means the give a penny take a penny will now be give a nickel take a nickel.

In the summer I like going to 7 Eleven and buy the biggest slurpy I can find. You end up getting an XX-large because for a few cents more you can get the next bigger size. I like sampling all of the flavors. I also like slush puppies because you can add as much drops as you want. But the last time I drank some I had the biggest brain freeze ever. But I kept drinking it because it was so delicious and I didn’t want to waste it.

 I enjoy reading magazines like the Enquirer or People but I hardly actually buy them. I prefer just to skim through the pages to check out the latest gossip, like Rosy O Donald’s drug habit, Prince William cheating or Lindsay Lohan going to prison. Again.

I used to subscribe to Maxim, Stuff and FHM a long time ago. I’d actually read the articles because I thought they were funny. Of course I would check out the latest babes. And then while I was at college my mom threw them out because they were filthy. Hey mom this isn’t Hustler and they might be worth something someday. Now the magazines are thin and they have exhausted ideas for articles.

Some variety stores have playboys or nudity magazines hidden behind other magazines. Or there is that nudity magazine room with those drapes. I bought a couple of playboys like the college specials when I was in college. Or to see washed up celebrities like a centerfold of Chyna.  I think my dick shrunk when I saw that mess. I was very nervous the first time and I tried to buy a shit load of other items and sneak the playboy in. Now I can just download pics at home without looking like a pervert.

Speaking about porn, I like extremely soft core porn. Usually I like looking at chicks playing with their big boobs. So I mustard up some courage and finally went to the Adult store. I tried to order some girls gone wild. They didn’t have any. What they did have seemed over expensive and kind of gross. I don’t like looking at other guys’ dicks.

A lot of people like getting lottery tickets. Which is annoying when you’re behind some old granny who has like fifty of the scratch ones. I heard this scam that when some people hit the jackpot the clerk will give them a smaller prize and use the winning ticket for themselves.

Many stores have the no loitering sign because teenagers like hanging out there. I don’t know why though. They also have no skateboard or rollerblades. And some of the punk teenagers ask adults to get buy them cigarettes or lighters. I don’t smoke but I thought I’d buy a pack to hide my joints in when go out to the bars or concerts. They now hide the damn packages for some stupid reason so how do I know what to get.

There is one variety store right across the high school where there is a limit of only two students at one time so nobody steals any Kit Kat bars. And they have cameras in case people try something funny. But this is Canada and I don’t think any strung out druggies will rob a store because we don’t have guns. But I’m sure the clerks have other means of defense like a tazer, bat or hot coffee.

“Hi I’m going to rob you.” “Don’t shoot!” “I’m not going to kill you.” “Good.” “Put the money in a bag!” “Paper or plastic?” “Don’t be smart. Plastic.” “All I have is a hundred. Do you want pennies?” “Um, yes. And give me some movies too.” “Comedy or horror.” “Um comedy. Quickly now.” “Here you go.” “And here’s my get away. It’s been a pleasure.” “Thankyou, come again.” “Haha. Thankyou, come again. Like you want me to come back. Haha.”

Lame Hobbies

Here are some of my hobbies:

Drinking beer

Eating

Playing video games

Surfing the net

Sleeping

Hockey

Poker

Watching TV and movies

Listening to my Ipod 2000 while going for walks

Shopping

Smoking weed

Writing a blogpage that hardly anyone visits

And volunteering at the old age home

Haha. Not. I never volunteer anywhere

And that’s pretty much all I do. But here are some stupid hobbies:

Stamp Collecting

Who actually gives a shit about stamps? I don’t even know where you buy them in the first place? And can you stick and unstick them as many times as you want? How do you know how old or how much they are worth? “Hey man look at this killer stamp of a beaver.” “Awesome man! Would you like to trade?” “Not for sale.”

Metal Detectors

Have you ever seen old people combing the beach? I’d like to know how much they have ever found. “Oh I found a dime. It’s been a month and my metal detector is already paying off!” Hey try getting a job and then buy metal things with your money. You’re never going to find Long Boots’ lost treasure buried on the beach. And if there was then people would have already found it.

RC and Slot Car Racing

How much fun can you have driving a remote control car? Why spend money for something that you would just get bored of in a week. The same goes for those RC boats. I always wondered what happens if it get stuck in the middle of water. Slot car racing looks lame. But those battle robots are cool. And my dad used to build kick ass model airplanes that I have yet to try.

Knitting

Knitting and crocheting is for old women with nothing better to do. I admit I like hemp necklaces but I’m not going to wear my aunts yellow wool sweater. I understand it took her forever so I only wear it when she visits. But she might make a new sweater if I lie to her about it. I rather get my sweaters from sweat shops. Funny I have seen this dude wearing an angry bird shirt. I make a point of not wearing video game shirts or those stupid pick up line shirts.

Collecting Action Figures

Me and my bro still have our G.I.Joes from when we were young. We have both bases, a huge ship and like fifty guys. We also have three of the construction bots which are useless unless you have all five. But I think I sold my He-Man figures for next to nothing at my friend’s garage sale. But my older cousin still collects toys. He’s a grown man and drives hours away to buy and trade action figures. I have no fucking clue what he does with them? Does he lock them up in a case or does he actually play with them?

Bird Watching

I don’t know how exciting bird watching can be? Do bird watchers walk around looking for new birds? With cell phones they can finally take pictures so people believe them. “I swear to God I saw a red feather pigeon.” Or do they carry a pad and pen? The fun part is right off the bat you see like twenty birds. Like those annoying geese or seagulls. I did see a bald eagle in Florida though. Hey you hardcore bird watchers, go the rain forrest where there are a million birds. And try going to Antarctica to find the allusive penguin. Personally I’d just go to the zoo. If that counts.

Greg’s Guide to Gambling

I Only Play Poker

I never even tried slut machines because they’re stupid. On one hand my aunt bets $20 and plays once a week. This is fine because the $20 is worth the entertainment. It’s sad when you are wearing diapers and nicotine patches because you don’t want to leave your machine. You’re eventually going to lose money, that’s how it works. The thing is people have this I’m special mentality and I’m going to win big.

Some people don’t understand the meaning of random. I’ll admit that happens to me when I’m listening to my Ipod. I have 3000 songs and if I add or take one away I lose them all. The problem occurs when some asshole cranked up the volume like crazy on one song. It sounds like a rocket launch and I’m trying to unplug my headphones before my ears bleed. So after a while I probably heard each song like fifty times and I’m thinking that annoying song is due any moment.

I used to play blackjack because you have different choices to make. But people are superstitious when they say hey you took my card or whatever. And again the casino has the edge. Unless you’re Rainman. Roulette has the best odds and its fun to choose which numbers. The only edge the casino has is zero and double zero. If I play, I play black or red. The funny thing is, if the ball lands on red like ten times in a row people think it’s bound to be black.

Anyway I love poker. I play with my poker friends where you can buy in how much you want and cash out any time. The blinds are only 20 and 40 cents. But the pots get pretty big. Speaking of pots we love to smoke pot and drink beer. Which is great because smoking weed is not only fun but people play stupid when they’re high. And some people play just play stupid.

I haven’t played poker with my best friends lately. Normally we would all lay down ten or twenty bucks. Second makes a few bucks and winner takes the rest. I also played some poker with my fellow retirees in Florida. I’m used to Texas holdem but dealer gets to choose which game to keep it fresh. They play high low and sometimes the games get confusing. But don’t worry; I won a bag full of quarters and some one dollar bills each time I played.

But the real money is at the casino. So here is my short guide to poker. I’m amusing you know the rules. If you don’t, I already wrote a brief synopsis of poker a while ago. First off decide how much you are willing to loose and promise not to try to win it back. You don’t want to dip in your kid’s college tuition or beer fund.

I’m a grinder and I’m very patient. Aside from playing when it is my blinds or when I really want to see the flop, I fold all the time. I play maybe one out ten hands and only when I have something good like a big slick or two pairs. I never bluff.  Unless I haven’t played forever because when I do play people fold.

If I do have something good I like to slow play it. The thing is when you have a great hand you have to capitalize it and make as much money as possible. Some idiots will get pocket aces and scare off everyone and they just get the blinds. What I don’t get is when someone bets high and people don’t fold and they’re like where’s my respect? This make no fucking sense.

I love people that go fishing. Fishing is when you need a card for your hand. For example if some guy needs an ace on the turn he will call hoping to get a straight with that ace. People don’t know the odds. This one idiot does this all the time. He will call hoping to get a spade on the river. The thing is, he has less than one in four chances to get a spade. But sometimes they get lucky. Or sometimes I bluff when there are three of the same suit on the board because people assume I have the flush. And if someone doesn’t back down I fold because they have it.

You have to play the man, or the woman. Seriously look for tells. You have to pay attention on how quickly they call. If they hesitate on calling and it takes a while they are unsure of themselves. Bet big when this happens, they will probably fold. And if people check instantly they have nothing. So take a few seconds to appear like you’re thinking and then check. And the biggest tell is when someone’s hands are shaking. They are excited because they have a good hand. You don’t see too many people’s hands shaking when they have nothing. Even my eyes open wide when I have a good hand.

Sometimes you have to have the right cards and not just the best cards. For me there is the curse of the pocket aces. Every time I think I have the best possible hand and I lose it to two low pairs. You have to know when to fold and cut your losses. And sitting matters too. You want to be after guys who raise big pre flop so you don’t waste your call.

And pay careful attention and remember which cards each player wins the pot with. Sometimes they try to steal the pot by betting big and sometimes they actually have it.

And bet when the pot is big. I find if there is nothing on the table I don’t bet unless I know I can beat my opponent.

The more people at the table the less your cards are worth. If there are twelve people at the table then you need at least two pairs. With only three players that two pairs is worth way more. And also hide your cards so nobody can see them. Just take a quick peek at the corner. And that’s all of the advice I can think of for now.

It’s funny; one time at the casino there was twelve of us. The pot was huge and everyone, except me and this one lady, went all in. There was over a grand on the table and this lucky bastard won it all with a straight. And I’m thinking that’s it? A straight? But afterwards he got sloppy and was donating chips like crazy. Sometimes you have to leave when you’re ahead.

Finally I love this one crackhead who spends all of his dish washing earnings on poker and um crack. Normally when I call some guy a crackhead I mean he’s retarded. But he told me he actually does crack. And it shows. He loves to go all in all the fucking time. I just wait until the right moment to call his all in. Thankyou I doubled up with $60 and therefore I made a $120 on one hand. Which is a lot for me. Finally an awesome poker movie is Rounders with Edward Norton and Matt Damon. Check it out.

The Crucifixion

It’s almost Easter and that means I will get a white chocolate bunny and have turkey dinner with my family. It’s also a long weekend so that means some of my friends will be coming back to Sarnia and we will get wasted. Oh and Jesus resurrected too.

I find it funny that the four gospel writers have different accounts of the Jesus’ life. So you hear about Jesus being born and some stories of his childhood and boom, Jesus is 30 something years old. He had a following as he walked around Israel. He had a lady friend Mary Magdalene who is a total hoar. But he champions the poor.

He has performed many miracles like turning water in wine and magically feeding everyone even though there wasn’t enough food to go around. Those would be awesome powers to have. “Hey man, this party sucks. The keg is tapped dry and there is not enough pizza to feed everyone.” “But wait, it’s Jesus, the life of the party! He will turn the water into booze, perform some magic tricks and order Dominos.”

So Jesus has the famous last supper with his apostles. I’m not sure who cooked the meal and what are they eating. In the Leonardo painting of said supper all they have are some bread and some wine. Come on, you know you’re dead meat, why not eat the biggest goat you can find or order some takeout.

Jesus says this cracker is his body and this wine is his blood. Eww. In fact eating someone’s flesh is actually a pagan ritual. Whats also is gross is how everyone at Church drinks out of the same wine glass that the priest doesn’t clean it off each time. People also spread germs when its time to shake people’s hands.

He also goes around cleaning the apostle’s feet like a shoe shiner. “That’s not necessary Jesus. Besides I have terrible foot fungus and athletes’ feet. How about a massage or something else.” Jesus also predicts that he will be killed and he knows the traitor. Judas Priests.

On Palm Sunday people are waving palms and worshipping him. One minute he’s the messiah, the next minute the Jews want to crucify him. And Peter is sellout when he denies knowing Jesus three times and some cock crows.

I’m not sure what Jesus did to piss them off. Pontius Pilate realizes he’s innocent and probably just crazy. So he orders to whip him. Whip him good. But this wasn’t good enough for the Jews and Pontius orders him to be crucified to calm the crowd.

What pisses me off is why some Christians hold this 2000 year grudge against Jews for killing their messiah. Hey idiots, this was a few Jews a long time ago. Jews today have nothing to do with his death. That’s’ like being mad at German kids because of the holocaust.

There are the Stations of the Cross beginning with Jesus to be condemned to death. The second station is to have him carry the cross. Hey Jesus why not just tell them to fuck off and that you won’t carry the cross. What are they going to do then? They already whipped you, what else could be worse?

He falls a couple of times. He meets his mother Mary. Some woman wipes his face. Dude has to help carry the cross. He greets more women. And they strip his clothes. Is that necessary? On the eleventh station he is nailed to the cross. When you see pictures or statues of him they put the nails in his palms when really they would rip off. They actually put the nails in the wrists.

There are two other criminals that are also crucified. Jesus talks to one guy who repents killing people. Jesus then forgives him and said he will go to Heaven. What the fuck Jesus? That’s like telling some serial killer to get to Heaven because he said he was sorry for killing all of these victims.

Jesus says something like Father why have you forsaken me? Hey, you know it was going to happen and you know in like a few hours you’ll be beside pops in the Kingdom of Heaven. Why not use your powers to free yourself and shoot laser beams at everyone responsible for your crucifixion?

Jesus finally dies on the cross. What I don’t get is how Jesus died for our sins. What does that mean anyway? If he died for our sins than why would people still go to Hell? And what sins? The last sin I committed was when I scratched someone’s car with my door and left. Or I giggled when a lady tripped getting off the bus. Haha the good Lord has a good sense of humor.

Whats the big deal about Jesus being crucified anyway? First off, Spartacus and thousands of others were crucified. But nobody gives a shit. And many people have died worse deaths. Like some little girl that gets burned to death in a fire. I rather get crucified than freeze to death or die of cancer.

Jesus then says he will cum again. Haha, I mean come again. That line is brilliant because people will never know when he is coming back. And every generation thinks he will come in their lifetime. But wait. He appears to the apostles after his death. It’s in the bible. I don’t know if that counts or what?

Then his body is taken down and he is buried in a tomb. I wonder where this supposedly tomb is? Finally three days later his tomb is empty and some broads witness him rise to Heaven.

Haha. His ascension to Heaven is my favorite part. First off when people die their body remains in the grave and their soul goes to Heaven. Shouldn’t that be the same for Jesus? After all he is human. And when he rises to Heaven that implies that Heaven is up in the clouds. This now is completely ridiculous.  The Kingdom of Heaven would be too big to fit on some clouds and we will would have found it years ago with airplanes, satellites or whatever. Check mate.

My Top Ten Pet Peeves

10: Hackers

I’m terrified of computer viruses. I hate when you click on the wrong link and a million windows pop and you’re trying to close them or turn off the computer. Who gets a sick pleasure by fucking with people’s computers? Hey hackers, go infiltrate the McDonalds corporate office computers or something cool.

9: Downloading Music

I hate when people get the wrong song or band name. I understand people call the song Baba O Riley, Teenage Wasteland. But I don’t think Born to Be Wild is done by AC/DC. I hate songs that are way too loud or too quite. Or they don’t finish the whole song. What pisses me off is who circulates these crappy songs to begin with?

8. Women Who Have Pigtails

It’s okay for little girls to sport pigtails.  But when you’re grown up, having pigtails won’t make you look any younger. In fact guys who like pigtails come off of looking like pedophiles.

7. Superficial Chicks

I don’t like those snooty chicks that look down upon unattractive people. But they will do anything for a handsome guy. Like laughing like crazy at anything he says. And they think everyone wants them and guys are not just being friendly.

6. Spray-paint

I think spray paint is cool when it’s done right and on the right place. It’s these stupid punk kids that spray paint anything in seconds and looks just awful. They will paint on fences, the side walk and under the overpass. They can’t draw and they write stupid shit like Tim is gay or Ashley sucks cock for coke. And now people have to paint over it and it’s an eye sore.

5. Bad Dog Owners

I hate when you walk by and these annoying fucking dogs won’t shut up. And the owner doesn’t clean up the dog shit. If I knew where they lived I’d take a bag of dog shit and light it on fire on the guy’s porch and see how they like stepping on shit.

4. Impatient Drivers

I don’t understand why people are in such a hurry to go nowhere. They can’t wait a single second at the lights, they talk on the phone and speed. I guess they want to get home in time for the View.

3. Looking at People When Walking

I walk all the time; all over town. I know a lot of people who see me walking by. I’d run but I majorly fucked up my knees; very depressing. It’s that I hate looking at strangers’ faces when walking by and I end up looking down on the ground or at my Ipod. I now try to say good morn.

2. Shitty movies

Why does Hollywood release terrible movies that should never get past the drawing board? For example I rented a movie called Transmorphers thinking it was Transformers. It got a 1.8 on IMDB. I have done better and more coherent movies in high school. And I’m not the biggest Jack Black fan either.

1. Zombies

Am I the only one that is so tired of zombies? I enjoyed Resident Evil 2 on the Playstation, but I don’t like the movies. I don’t know the biology of a zombie. One bites you, you become a zombie and then you bite other people. Hey Zombies, have you ever heard of McDonalds? Give it a try. All of my friends tell me how cool the Walking Dead is. Maybe I should give it a try, but I’m a busy man.

Do You Believe in Magic

I just watched the movie Oz on cheap night. The food cost more than the actual movie. They didn’t put enough butter on the popcorn even though I paid a dollar extra for butter and it had that yellow crap that makes you thirsty. I like when you get to pour butter yourself. One time I poured so much it was leaking out the bottom.  Mmm. 

And I forgot to ask for no ice cubes and instead the drink was 50% pop. My friend sneaked in a can of pop in her purse; they won’t check that. And she told me she reused 3D glasses and sneaked in 3D movies to save a whole $3.

Oz was alright but mostly visuals. It was intended to be in 3D but my friends didn’t want to pay extra and I didn’t want to go alone… again. I mean during previews who am I going to say to how awesome or retarded a movie looks like. And who will I ask how good a movie was when you’re leaving? “Man, Mystery Alaska was fucking awesome. I can’t believe how a shitty hockey team in a small town can take on the New York fucking Rangers.” Or “man, the Matrix fucked with my mind!” Or “wow, Scary Movie 10 was the funniest one yet.”

So Oz is about how a phony magician Oz that gets sent to the um Oz. I guess they didn’t have a name yet and since he saved Oz, they named it after him. I’m not sure if he’s from Kansas but he arrives there on a hot air balloon by way of a tornado. In the movie Twister they didn’t beam to some enchanted land. Most of them died in the tornado. Oz is a good movie but I won’t ruin it for anyone that hasn’t seen it yet.

I wonder if people in Kansas have to pay higher home insurance. I think my town Sarnia got hit once or twice. I always wanted to see a tornado. But it’s kind of sad that Goderich, the prettiest town in Canada, got hit by a tornado that struck the center of town and turned it into rubble. I know people who had to clean the aftermath.

I don’t believe in magic but sometimes I have no clue how they pull it off. I don’t even know how a person, like your uncle, does the whole quarter behind your ear trick when you were a kid. Or how people do the whole “is this your card?” “Holly shit it is! How did you know?” “It’s magic.”

If I was a magician I’d hit the casinos and play some poker. That way you know what cards people have. “Do you have an ace of hearts and a king of spades?” “Yes, how did you know?” “It’s magic. My flush beats your two pairs.”

I saw a magic act back in my younger years. I’ll call the magician Ted. His assistant was fucking hot. But she would have to be. I could plainly see the strings when Ted raised the hotty in the air. I remember the whole cut her in half bit. I think she crouched in one end and had some robot legs that dangled and moved on the side. I wonder what would happen if he used real blades and did cut her in half. “Oh shit! That wasn’t magic.”

I’m pretty sure that whole disappear act was done with a trapped door. Hey Ted if you were real than why do you cover her and hide her and not just disappear her in plain sight? That would be real magic. Or let’s see you disappear anyone except on a stage. Any good magician knows how to do the bunny in the hat trick and the doves in the jacket trick without getting dumped and peed on.

The better magicians have to take a magician’s oath. They never reveal their secrets to any non-magician. If they did, the magicians would make loud mouth disappear forever, or the they might bury him alive and see how you can pull it off.  

Well I watched some magicians on Youtube that revealed some tricks. But these were stupid ones like making a quarter disappear. I learned how to do it but I still can’t pull it off. I’m sure the magicians don’t give a shit about them revealing these tricks. “Dammit now everyone knows how to do the metal hoop trick. He will pay.”

Houdini is the most famous magician. He is known for his escape acts, such as escaping handcuffs that police put on him. I hear criminals around the world use this. “Dammit, he got off them and disappeared. It muse be magic. Let’s see how well he escapes from bullets.” If he was in the horror movie Saw, he wouldn’t have to cut off his fucking leg.

He also would get buried alive. I guess he pulled it off just like Uma Thurman. And if he fucked up, they wouldn’t have to bury him again. Another feat was escaping out of a straight jacket under water. Of course I have an evil and twisted side of me that doesn’t want these illusionist to escape. “Haha, what an idiot.” You know Houdini would eventually get killed. But out of all things, he died with of a ruptured appendix when he thought he could withstand any blow to the stomach.

Chris Angel is my favorite magician. But unlike the late Michael Jackson, I don’t believe his magic is real. I think his coolest magic act is levitating. I would love to see that in person. I have heard he stole the idea from Ghostbusters when the crazy chick is floating.

He would cause a Lamborghini to disappear. I’d use a Buick, it’s cheaper, but I think he used a larger trap door. And he would walk on water just like he’s Jesus; the greatest magician of all time.