Phobias

How many phobias can you name?

I’m sure everyone knows arachnophobia, homophobia and claustrophobia. If you don’t already know, arachnophobia is the fear of spiders. Great movie by the way. I love John Goodman as the exterminator. In fact I feel like watching it right now.

Obviously homophobia is the fear of gay people. I don’t know why? Maybe these people are afraid of getting raped or something. Maybe they aren’t confident with their own sexuality. And claustrophobia is fear of confined areas.

Funny story, back in college my whole floor went out for dinner. It was far away and only one guy had a car. I didn’t want to pitch in for a cab. So buddy tells me he only has room in the trunk. I thought he meant the back of his vehicle. No, it was his trunk. So they dared me and I said “what the Hell it’s college.” However I made them promise to let me out whenever I want to.

The light went out and I was in the dark. It was pretty scary. I had a bit of claustrophobia. But I made it to our dorm and boy was I was stiff. A huge crowd of people saw me get out of a fucking trunk. A girl asked me about it. I was too embarrassed to reply and my roommate said “he doesn’t’ speak English.”

There are two kinds of phobias. There are the ones which makes sense. You know the ones that deal with danger and certain scary situations. Or just bad things in general. Take ophdiophobia; the fear of snakes. There is a reason to be afraid of snakes. It is a survival instinct to be afraid of them because they could kill you.

For example; you don’t want to walk up to a grizzly bear and hug it. Or there is acrophobia; like fear of heights. You could die by falling from high places like going over a bridge or die in an airplane crash. These are legitimate.

It’s when you go totally overboard. Such as being afraid of every high place. Like walking over the overpass. I personally am afraid of balconies. In fact I’m more scared walking up the stairs to a rollercoaster than the actually rollercoaster itself. I’m afraid of falling down the stairs and breaking every bone of my body.

And then there are the phobias that don’t make any sense at all. Like sesquipedalophobia; the fear of long words. Who are these people and when does this happen? “Ahh, otorhinolaryngological! That’s the longest word ever! Somebody help me!” And maybe making a long ass name for the fear of long words isn’t such a great idea.

I personally have coulrophia. Coulrophia is the fear of clowns. I just wrote about them the other day. I realize there is no reason to be afraid of clowns because they are harmless. I just find them really, really creepy.

I have a bit of dispohobia. Dispohobia is the fear of losing things. I worry about losing my Ipod or my wallet all the time. In fact I have a tic of checking my pockets every ten minutes to make sure that everything is still in my pockets. I actually have nightmares of losing all of my video games.

Pediophobia is the fear of dolls and mannequins. I was terrified of the dolls at my aunt’s house. Seriously they were creepy.  I was afraid of them coming alive and eating my eternal soul while I sleep. And I have a bit of Atyciphobia. That is the fear of failure. Which is my whole life.

My brother’s friend told me he is afraid of mannequins. I’ll admit sometimes when I see a mannequin in the corner of my eye I think it’s a person. A person with no arms or head. But with nipples.

Speaking of mannequins, do you remember Today’s Special? This was Canadian show from the early 80s about a children store where Jeff the mannequin becomes alive. Quite possibly the gayest show ever.

And then there is the 80s movie Mannequin starring Kim Cattrall. Kim Cattrall is the total hoar from Sex and the City and Big Trouble in Little China. She is a mannequin that comes alive only to Larry; from Weekend at Barnies. And there is some really gay black guy. I haven’t seen it since I was a kid so I didn’t know what sex was and I didn’t get all of the gay jokes.

By the way, who makes up these names for these ridiculous phobias? “Hmm, he has the fear of dying in the  World of Warcraft. He must have wowphobia.” So here are some retarded phobias:

Anthophobia is the fear of flowers. What? Flowers are pretty and smell nice. Maybe they have allergies, maybe they are afraid of thorns, maybe they are afraid of bees. I don’t know. “Honey, I’m sorry for beating you and giving you a black eye the other day. Here are some roses.” “Ahh not roses! Get them away!” “I’m just trying to say I’m sorry bitch!”

Chaetophobia fear of hair. What exactly does that mean? Are they afraid of Chewy? I mean are they afraid of their own hair? “Must shave legs! But it keeps growing back. And thicker each time.” But hey, they might like bald guys.

Gymnophobia is the fear of nudity and  gynophobia is the fear of women. That’s got to suck for them. I mean how do they have sex? “Ahh, hot naked chicks. I can’t watch.” “Ahhh, Playboy magazines. Get them out of sight.” And venustraphobia is the fear of beautiful women. Homo!

Heliophobia is the fear of sunlight. Are they afraid to leave the house? Or do they only go outside at night? Or are they vampires? I myself only leave the house for a McDouble or junior chicken burger when I’m locked into some video game. Like when I’m playing Elder Scrolls: Skyrim for Xbox 360. Awesome game.

Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia is the fear of the number 666. Great name by the way. It sounds like another computer virus. Again how are they afraid of a number? “666, that’s the devils number.” It reminds me of the movie 23 with Jim Carrey where it doesn’t make any sense. “1,2,3. Wait. There is one 23. And 1 plus 2 plus 3 equals 6. 6 times 23 dived by 6 equals 23.”

Hypnophobia is the fear of sleep. That blows. I don’t understand how they function without sleeping. It’s not like Nightmare on Elmstreet. Maybe they should drink a lot of energy drinks like I do. I’m afraid to stop breathing and die in my sleep. But seriously I hate when you wake up and you’re arms fall asleep and they feel like noodles. It happened the other day and it freaked me out.

Ipovlopsychophobia is the fear of having you’re photo taken. I don’t like photos because I’m ugly. And I can’t smile because apparently I look like a pedophile when I do. But do you ever look back when you were younger and think wow I didn’t look so bad. Oh what would I have done differently when I was young?

Mysophobia is the fear of germs, contaminations or dirt. These people are otherwise known as germaphobes. They funny thing is some of them know how irrational they are but they can’t control it. They will wash and scrub their hands hard all of the time.  My mom makes me wash my hands every time I come back inside the house. Are these germaphobes afraid of getting mono? And can they shake hands or get laid. It reminds me of the movie12 Monkeys. Was there really a virus or what?”

Thanatophobia is the fear of dying. I thought everyone is afraid of dying. Unless you have cancer or some terrible disease. Or unless you’re Rosy O’Donnell.

Trypaophobia is the fear of needles. That’s why I only smoke or pop my heroine. Haha. But I remember back in elementary school we had to get hepatitis shots and all of the girls were crying. We got a donut afterwards. My mom was a “bacteriologist.” I still don’t know what she did but it involved giving injections and being surrounded by blood samples all day.

Workplace phobia. Haha. Whatever. Who was the genius that came up with that idea? “Sorry boss, I’m terrified of desks, Xerox photocopiers, water coolers and pencils.” It reminds me of the awesome movie Office Space. People weren’t supposed to work in cubicles all day. Like me.

Xanthophobia is the fear of the color yellow. They must have a phobia for everything. How do you avoid the color and what happens when you see it? I mean I hate the color pink but I’m not going to freak out when I see some chicks in some tight pink pants.

There are also phobias of all kinds of people. Like Sinophobia; the fear of Chinese, people. Or negrophobia; the fear of black people. That’s not some condition. That’s racist. But I admit I’m I little weary of crazy middle easterners that blow themselves up. I’d call it suicidebomberphobia.

Nomophobia is a new one. It’s the fear of being out of mobile phone contact. That’s right. I don’t even have a cell phone. What could possibly happen if they are afraid that they can’t hear him now? “I’m out of range. Dammit! I have to tell her to pick up some milk at the grocery store. And who knows what Joe is up to?”

Turophobia is the fear of cheese. Right. I understand if you’re lactose intolerant, you would naturally be afraid of milk. That sucks. Do they use water when they eat cereal? Imagine not knowing the joy of eating some whoppers. Mmm. I think they should just save of all of this time and energy and just call all of these crazy phobias: crazophobia.

And there even is Phobophobia; the fear of having a phobia. That doesn’t make sense. “I’m afraid that I’m afraid of something.” But there are people who are hypochondriacs who think they have every disease there is. Like heart cancer. I’m afraid aliens put this device up my rectum that controls my thoughts that makes me say random stupid shit. I’d call it probephobia.

I think there should be a phobia of getting speeding or parking tickets that I’d call “finophobia.” After I got hit by a car I’m afraid of crossing the road and the car not seeing me. I might call it “blinddriverphobia.” And what about a phobia about spontaneous combustion? I’d call it “burntalivephobia.” It’s not funny until it happens to you.

Finally what about the fear of getting a computer virus. I’d call it virusophobia. Worse yet there should be a phobia of your mom catching you jerking off. I’d call it “whenyouthinkyouarealoneandyourmomcatchesyouinthemiddleofmasturbatingphobia.”

I’m Glad I’m Not a Chick

Top Ten Reasons I’m Glad I’m Not a Chick

10.       Taking a leak

Chicks seem to have no bladder. And they can’t piss wherever they want just like us guys can. But as a kid I accidently went into the women’s washroom for a split second and was amazed at how much nicer and bigger they are than the men’s.

9.         Shaving

I hate shaving and I go for days without. I like to go for the rugged masculinity look. I didn’t start shaving my beard until like grade eleven. If you call my beard a beard. But I do love stroking my beard while I’m thinking. Now imagine being a girl; I would have to shave my legs, my armpits, down below, and pretty much anywhere. By the way, does shaving hair make it thicker?

8.         Getting paid less

It’s sexist that women get paid less for the doing same job men do. I think it is because traditionally men are the primary providers of the family. This sucks if you’re single woman.

7.         I’d have to be a lesbian

I love women so much I’d be a huge dyke if I was a chick. I think everyone loves lesbians. It’s too bad that hot homosexual women are few and far between. Unlike gay men. But there are some out there. By the way, if you ever have the chance then watch “But I’m a Cheerleader.” It’s all about gay people and is hilarious.

6.         Taking so damn long to get dressed

My mom takes like thirty minutes every morning just to get ready to leave the house for anything. Such as buying milk at the Kwik-E Mart. It takes her upwards of an hour if she is going out to some social event. It takes me about ten minutes to have a shower, brush my teeth and throw on some clothes. Again I don’t shave everyday.

5.         Nobody likes fat chicks

It’s too bad that in our culture that women are far more pressured than guys to look thin. Look at any sitcom or Family Guy for instance; the father can be a fat sloth but the mother is smoking hot. I think there are two different kinds of fat chicks. There are the nice and funny ones who’s personality makes up for being overweight or ugly. And then there are the mean ones who are mean because nobody could love them.

4.         Being called a whore

If you are man and have sex all of the time, then you’re a playa. Or a pimp. If you’re a chick that likes to get down and busy then you’re as total slut. Personally I like sluts; they know what they want and they are not afraid.

3.         Lame girl’s night out

I don’t know what chicks do when they are together for a girl’s night out. Us men usually get drunk, eat wings, watch the game and just get rowdy. Whatever girls do, it sounds boring. Maybe they have a calories fest and eat Haagen-Dazs and nachos. Maybe they watch shitty reality shows like the bachelor.

2.         Periods

I took me a long ass time to find out about women’s menstrual cycle. Now that I know, I wish I didn’t. It sounds gross. But I loved that part in Super Bad when he didn’t know what the blood on his pants was. It also took me a long ass time to find out about circumcision and that I’m actually circumcised. I thought it was only for Jews.

1.         Giving birth

That’s gotta suck.

The Circus

Lions, tigers and bears oh shit!

Clowns scare the living shit out of me. Have you seen It or a House of a Thousand Corpses? They gave me nightmares. I don’t remember it but a clown came over for one of my cousins’ birthdays and I cried my eyes out and hid behind my mom. We still have the pictures.

They’re not even funny. Seriously who actually laughs at clowns? Haha he wears white makeup and has a huge smile. Haha. His pants are far too big for him. Haha. He must have not tried them. His shoes are also way too big. Haha. But his hat is too small. Haha. His hair is wacky. Haha. And so is his nose. Haha. He should get a nose job. And what’s this? His flower squirts water at you. Haha. Enough, enough, I can’t stop laughing.

Who decides to become a clown anyway? Do they actually take a course like Clowning Around 101 where you have to make balloon animals that don’t resemble anything and perform shitty magic tricks? I think its’ bit creepy having a clown come over to birthdays and kids stuff. You know because it’s a perfect job for pedophiles who would love being surrounded by children all day.

Anyway as far as I know the circus has never come to my hometown. And I’m glad. Again because of the clowns. Back in the day there were the Ringling Bros and Barnum Bailey circuses. Apparently they were the greatest shows on Earth. I guess this was long before T.V. and motion pictures came along. I think Wings took over as the greatest show on Earth.

They would travel around the states and build these massive tents wherever they go. It reminds me of camping when you had to setup your own tent before nightfall. I was so shitty at doing it my friends had to setup mine for me and tell me not to get into their way. “Greg just drink some beer.” When I did try I was sopping wet the next morning and had bug bites all over me.

Many circuses feature live performances with animals. Like having a bear balance on a ball, elephants doing tricks and lions jumping through hoops of fire. But it’s one thing for a dog or dolphin to perform tricks, but not for these animals

PETA annoys me, but there is definitely animal cruelty. I gather they beat animals into submission and lock them in tiny confinements. On stage the lion tamers seem to be friends with the lions. But you know what; they’re still wild and ferocious animals and do not make good pets. They could just lose it at any moment.

And that’s exactly what happened. A couple of times. I was watching this Russian circus on Youtube and the one lion just snapped and attacked the guy. The lion was ripping right into him. The clowns and crew got out hoses, tasers and whatever. And then the other lions joined in. They whole audience fled except for the guy with the camera. That’s karma.

Many circuses have tightrope walkers. I remember as a kid or when I’m drunk, I liked to tightrope walk across parking curbs or anything narrow really. The other year some daredevil with huge balls tightroped across Niagara Falls. I don’t know if he had to have a net or what. I hope he had his passport with him. So what is next, across the Grand Canyon?

But I have to admit the Cirque du Soleil is pretty fucking cool. Cirque Soleil blows the competition out of the water. These aren’t your typical acrobats and lame trapeze acts. I didn’t realize that there are actually a bunch of Cirque du Soleil shows all over the world. I thought there was only one in Vegas.

So I watched a couple Cirques on Youtube and they blew my mind. Especially on weed. Normally I’m not impressed by jugglers but this one guy was crazy. I can do one ball. Maybe two. I have seen two contortionists that flex as if they don’t have bones. I can barely touch my own feet. They could lick their own pussy if they really wanted to. And there were trampoline jumpers doing all of these crazy flips. They should be in the Olympics. And they were all pretty boys in really good shape. Too bad for the ladies they’re probably gay.

Quentin Taratino

Quentin Tarantino is one of my favorite writers/directors/actors. He has made so many awesome flicks like Kill Bill, Inglorious Bastards and Django Unchained. Here are his first three great movies: Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction and Jackie Brown. If you haven’t seen them yet, go out rent or download them now and be prepared for a cinematic adventure.

Reservoir Dogs

“Why am I Mr. Pink?” “Because you’re a faggot!” Reservoir Dogs is the cult classic that made Tarantino and some of the actors, like Steve Buscemi and Samuel L. Jackson, in it famous or at least well known. It pretty much has no budget; I think a fake ear was the most expensive special effect. But like all good movies it has a good story. It’s about a bank robbery except it doesn’t show the actual robbery. It doesn’t go as plan and the robbers are not sure who’s alive or dead and if the cops know where they are. The chronology is all fucked up to make it confusing so you don’t know whose who and what happened. There is hardly any action but this makes it all the more real and cool when there is some. Like all his films there is a lot of witty dialog, whether jokes, debates or past stories to keep things interesting. It’s an awesome movie the first time around and its fun to watch it again to see how the parts connect. I give it an 8.5.

Pulp Fiction

Bring out the Gimp! Pulp Fiction has got to be one of my favorite movies of all time! Made in 1994, its Tarantino second great movie. Like Reservoir Dogs, the chronology is all messed up so you have several mini stories or parts that all come together in the end. A great cast that includes Samuel L. Jackson, Uma Thurman, Bruce Willis, Travolta and Christopher Walken. Samuel L. Jackson and Travolta are hired goons who are sent to get this expensive or rare thing in a brief case back. Bruce is a boxer who doesn’t go down as he suppose to, makes off with a lot of money and must get out of L.A. before he’s killed. There are so many good lines like “I’m going to get medieval on your ass!” I mean Jackson’s wallet says Bad Mother Fucker. And seeing this fat chick get shot in the leg was one of the funniest things I ever saw. And like any good movie there are some drugs in it and the light hearted mistake of putting heroin in a coke bag, hahaha. It’s totally amazing the first time around and is always fun to watch over again. It’s a perfect movie; I give it a mother fucking TEN.

Jackie Brown

Jackie Brown is considered Tarantino’s third great film also with a great cast, including again Samuel L. Jackson. Jackie is a black middle aged Stewardess who is has been in and out of trouble with the law. This time for smuggling Sam’s money and some coke. Her bail is paid, and the bondsman falls in love with her. Samuel is a gun runner who wants to safely transfer his money from Mehico to Compton. He lives with his stoner surf girl Bridget Fonda. Hotty! And his old friend Di Nero has just been released. Now the Feds, including Michael Keaton, are after Ms Brown and nobody knows what side she’s on. Anyway I’m notoriously bad at knowing what exactly is going on in the film so I will just stop here. And spoiler alert, Chris Tucker makes a brief appearance of riding in the trunk of a car. It has the same style of Tarantino’s films with some great retro music like Across 110th Street. Awesome song. But it drags on a little too long and there are too many conversation scenes. I give it at 7.5. A good movie but a little disappointing.

Novelties

Here is some stuff that gets boring quickly:

Air hockey

Way back, I went to Orlando, Florida with my relatives. We stayed in this massive Hotel with its own arcade. There me and my cousin played a shitload of air hockey. It was fun, so fun my cousin begged his mom to get one. I told him they would get boring in a week and it will only take up space. I guarantee people who own one are sick of it. However foosball, ping pong and billiards on the other hand are always awesome.

Segway

I never actually tried a segway or have seen one in person. But I don’t need to try one to know they must get boring fast. It’s all of the fun standing up without walking. Seriously how lazy can you be? Crippled people use wheelchairs because they can’t stand up in the first place. I wonder whether you use it on the sidewalk or on the streets. And I wonder how fast they can go, if they can go off-road and if you need a segway helmet.

Skidoos

I have tried my buddy’s skidoo a couple of times. It was fun for a while hitting waves and trying to do jumps. But skidoos get old fast. Unlike a bike, rollerblades or a skateboard it doesn’t really work for transportation. Unless you live New Orleans. Now it’s taking up space in my friend’s garage and I don’t know how much he can get for selling it.

Pinball

I used to play some mean pinball at the arcade. It’s fun to try to keep going as long as possible and to try to beat the high score. I love when you get multi balls. But when you own one at home there is really no point to it. The same goes with Pacman. At the arcade its fun, but when you owe one, like I do, it gets boring and frustrating fast. I mean how far can you possibly go and can you beat it? I made it to level three. There should be a Guinness World record. Like for making it to level seven. If there is a level seven.

Remote Control Cars

One of my worst purchase decisions was buying a remote control car. Me and buddy both got one at the same time. First we drove them all over the streets even though the range was limited. We made ramps to do some crazy jumps and even used it on the playground. It was fun for a few days. Not so much anymore. I was thinking of supping it up it by adding lasers, bombproof armor, gold rims and Sirius satellite radio.

Remote Control Helicopters.

Then there are those remote control helicopters. I tried it out at Future Shop and it was cool. Buddy on my hockey team has one. I wonder how high they can go and what happens when the batteries wear out. It could crash and I doubt the warranty covers it. But I guarantee the novelty will wear off. Unless if you add a magnet to pick up beer cans. That would be cool.

Trampoline

I always wanted to jump on a trampoline as a kid. I finally got the chance to try it at a friend of a friend’s place. Years later my friend’s neighbor got one and I actually paid $2 to try it out. So like a little kid I had to get one for my birthday. It was fun jumping with friends and seeing who can jump the highest. Too bad my mom was extremely worried that me or a friend might break our neck trying to do flips. But it got old and we finally packed it away because it just took up so much room in my backyard. But just now I have the biggest craving to jump on it again.

Swimming Pools

I have a sizeable swimming pool. As kids it was awesome. We played a lot of Marco Polo and water polo. Too bad my neighbors’ tall ass trees used to overhang my pool and leaves, bugs and shit would sprinkle on it. And because of the damn trees it was in the shade and wasn’t the warmest pool. I recommend just jumping in instead of walking down the steps slowly. Too bad I could never do flips. I either pussy out and just jump in. Or I land on my back. Now I only jump in to cool off on those hot summer days. Trust me, having your own pool gets boring. Unless there are hot chicks swimming with you.

Electric Guitar

Years ago for Christmas I got an electric guitar. We bought it brand new and spent over $350 for it and all of the accessories. I should have just gone to the pawnshop or even Wal-Mart. Being on my reverse retirement and having all of the time in the world I thought I will get lessons and become a rock god. I tried it a couple of times and broke a string. I couldn’t play anything remotely coherent or friendly to the ears. Now it’s just sitting there in the far corner collecting dust and cobwebs.

But my dream of being a rock star lives on. You know how you have fantasy baseball and you pick and choose your favorite players and assign them to each position. I do that with rock bands. My band would have Slash and Angus Young on guitar, Eddie Vedder on vocals, Flea on bass. Travis Barker on drums and me on cowbells. Then I would go back in time and steal all of my favorite songs from other bands and combine them to have the greatest rock band ever! I’d call it the Gregera Experience.

The Tragically Hip

The Tragically Hip are an awesome Canadian alternative rock band that have been around since the early 80s. Here are my seventeen favorite songs. If you want to sample their videos then try Youtube or allmusic. And the video the Darkest Ones feature an awesome Canadian show the Trailer Park Boys. So check them out.

17.       Something On

16.       Silver Jet

15.       Ahead by a Century

14.       Bobcaygeon

13.       Vaccination Scar

12.       Poets

11.       Little Bones

10.       At the Hundredth Meridian

9.         Three Pistols

8.         The Darkest Ones

7.         Blow at High Dough

6.         New Orleans is Sinking

5.         Grace Too

4.         Music at Work

3.         Fifty Mission Cap

2.         Courage

1.         Nautical Disaster

Fast Food

I Need My Big Macs

I love food. And I like it fast. People wonder why I walk all over town. I like to listen to my Ipod and check out movies and video games at different stores. And more importantly I like to eat fast food. I pretty much eat fast food everyday and spend most of my allowance on said fast food. It’s all part of the journey. But I will probably have a heart attack any time soon.

I like to get the specials of the day. I have it all figured out. On Tuesday I hit KFC for a Tuesday special. It used to be called a Toonie Tuesday but every year they raised it by 15 cents and now the special is about $3 plus tax. This includes a leg, a breast and fries. Mmm. And I get water. Haha legs and breasts. Back in the day the gang would prank call Swiss Chalet and ask how their legs and breasts are. Haha.

At Burger King they have the burger of the day. On Wednesday I like to get a Wednesday Whooper for $2. Mmm. But every time I forget to ask them to hold the tomatoes. I love their onion rings. Maybe McDonalds should finally offer some. In Canada they have mozza sticks too. Mmm.

They have the Burger King Kids Club. What a bunch of losers. They try to include every stereotype. You have the token black kid, a dork with glasses called I.Q, some handicap kid in a wheelchair, and a radical kid Kid Vid with shades. He cool because he has those big ass sun glasses that cover his face. I think they’re missing a fat blind kid and an Eskimo.

McDonalds is my favorite burger joint. I have already written a blog about McDonalds and what the fuck Grimace is. I think I called it Ronald the Faggy McDonald because I hate clowns and he looks like pedophile. Anyway I love Big Macs and Mcnuggets like I love a newborn child. The secret sauce on a Big Mac is mayo and thousand island dressing. As for Mcnuggets I like five honeys and five sweet and sour dipping sauces.

But money is tight and I usually order from the value menu and order water. As for dessert I love caramel sundaes. Mmm. The thing is when you ask for a tiny slice of cheese they charge like a buck because they can get away with it. Bastards!

Have you seen the movie Supersize Me? If you haven’t, for a whole month this guy Morgan Spurlock only ate at McDonalds. His health plummeted and he gained weight. At one point the doctor advised him to stop. He made it, and afterwards McDonalds ended the whole supersize upgrade. And then there were those two fat chicks that filed a lawsuit at McDonalds because they’re fat. But the good news is there new wraps are awesome. Mmm.

A&W is my second favorite fast food restaurant. And the Mozza Burger is my second favorite burger. Mmm. I only go if they have coupons or sales. For one thing they give you huge glass mugs and you don’t have to order root beer. And their onion rings are awesome. But I don’t like the whole different burgers for each family member. I have no fucking clue what the difference is between a teen burger, a papa burger, a brother in law burger or an illegitimate son burger.

Taco Bell used to be a cheap. I remember getting tacos for 60 cents. Not anymore. I have to order a taco supreme just to get some sour cream. I love fries supremes, meximelts and Mexican pizza. If you have ever seen Bowling for Columbine, my hometown Sarnia is in for a few minutes. I don’t know why but whatever. Michael Moore interviewed our Mayor and then two idiots and a fat ugly chick with green hair in front of our Taco Bell.

Harvey’s is an awesome Canadian burger joint. If you are ever visiting Canada then you must check it out. They take a little longer grilling the burgers, but it’s worth it. The cool part is that you get to pick and choose whatever toppings you want for no additional charge. Except for cheese. Bastards!

They have every topping you can think off, like hot peppers, barbecue sauce, large pickles and relish. But every time someone asks for everything on it, they still ask if you want peppers or whatever. I usually order ketchup, mustard, mayo, lettuce and onions. They have awesome hot dogs and poutine fries too. And for all of those self-righteous vegans, they make veggie burgers. Eww. Tofu is gross.

Where the fuck is the beef, dammit?! Wendy’s is all right. But I get kind of sick of it. Like their nuggets. I only order a BLT or spicy chicken burger and frostys. And Wendy is such an ugly redhead ginger girl. Was there an actual Wendy? Too bad Dave Thomas kicked the bucket. For business class we saw a documentary on Dave and apparently he couldn’t even read a short script for a two second commercial. He had like twenty outtakes.

Sometimes I like to change it up a bit and get Arby’s. At home I’m not the biggest roast beef fan but I love it at Arby’s because of their special sauce and melted cheese. They’re curly fries are tasty. But they have these stupid burgers loaded with toppings. Like having a burger with onion rings. Can’t you just eat the onion rings while eating the burger? What’s next, a burger with an omelet, anchovies or icream?

Subway is probably the healthiest fast food joint that I go to. Back in college there was a Subway right across the road from my dorm that took student meal cards. I love their roasted chicken and pizza subs. Mmm. Normally I get lettuce, cheese and some lines of mayo. There are so many good memories of being completely hammered and ordering some subs.

However my friend Stics was wasted and when he paid with his debit card some asshole saw his password. The next day he finds out he left his debit card at Subway and that the asshole withdrew something like $200 five times. And Stics didn’t do anything about it. I would have complained and ask to check the camera. But that’s just me. Anyway all of this talk about fast food is getting me hungry. To McDonalds here I come!

Magazines

I Have Issues Magazine

I’m not much of a reader. My mom on the other hand loves to sit down with some chocolate, or Jujubes, and read a good book. She tries to get me interested in novels but I rather watch the movie. She also tries to get me motivated to watch the news and find out what is happening in the world.

For example she asks me what is happening in Egypt and all I know is that they’re all nuts in the Middle East and the government is corrupt and evil. And then she asks how can I have an interesting conversation without knowing any current events. She might be on to something because most of my conversations are about movies, video games and smoking weed.

On occasion I like to read the newspaper when I’m getting an X-large double, double coffee at Tim Horton’s. Just the other day some guy tried to smuggle drugs across the Canadian-American border. He scuba dived across the river at 3:00am carrying a water tight container of cocaine. Some narc spotted him and he was arrested in the States. Had he been coming into Canada his sentence would not be as bad as in the States.

Whenever I go to the variety store I like to browse through the magazines. Normally I don’t buy them but I like to catch up on my celebrity gossip and see what shenanigans Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan is up to. Imagine you are Lindsay Lohan and how would you feel each time you’re on the magazine cover? “Oh today I’m a crazy, washed up, drug addicted hoar. Maybe that’s why there isn’t going to be a sequel to Freaky Friday.” That’s why I always wanted to be rich but not famous. I don’t want to be on the cover of People with the headline “Gregera hits a new low as he sells his kidney to for crack and paint thinner.”

My uncle used to give us his old National Geographic magazines. I love animals and nature. In a few of them they had pictures of native tribes. And they were naked. As far as I remember it was the first time I’ve seen boobs. And I liked them. Imagine that everyone was butt naked. It would be awesome to see hot chicks’ bouncing boobs all of the time. But not so awesome to see granny’s vagina. I always wondered why natives have those ugly droopy ears with ten pound earrings. Stretched out giraffe necks with rings that can barely support their head. And nails through their nose. Eww.

My first magazine subscription was to Nintendo Power. This was long before internet guides. They would actually show levels beginning to end. This came in handy for games like Zelda or Mega Man. Each magazine came with a poster. Sweet. I liked seeing previews of upcoming games too. And they had players guide. It helped out with Golden Eye and Zelda Orcina of Time. The problem is I get lazy and I look up guides any time I get stuck, instead of trying to figure it out on my own.

Back in the day I had three subscriptions to men’s magazines. They were Stuff, FHM and Maxim. The first few magazines were huge and awesome. Now they’re paper thin. The thing is I buy them for the articles. I read everything from cover to cover. But I will definitely have a gander at the models. My mom thinks they’re filthy and when I was out of town she threw most of them out. Including my coveted Jennifer Love Hewitt issue.

Stuff is my favorite of the bunch. I love Randy the helpful pineapple. FHM, which stands For Him Magazine, is cool as well. It’s funny, chicks like those magazines too. And I tried the whole Maxim beat this caption. Too bad they don’t take any submissions that are outside the U.S. And my American friend is too busy to submit them for me.

My dad had a massive collection of Playboys in the cellar. So my mom has been throwing them out a few magazines at a time. Apparently she’s too embarrassed to let the neighborhood and garbage men see like 200 nudity magazines. I bought a few myself like the college issue or to see washed up celebrity centerfolds. Again like an airbrushed Lindsay Lohan. I’m still waiting for Jennifer Love Hewitt to waste her money and pose nude for a cold million.

Whenever I’m in the doctor or dentist waiting room I like to read People or Times. I find them more entertaining and interesting than Sports Illustrated. Too bad they don’t have Hustler. I guess it would be slightly inappropriate. And I admit I like reading Cosmo if they have any. The funny thing is they have more pictures of hot chicks than of guys. And two thirds of Cosmo magazines are advertisements. There are like ten ads before the damn contents.

And impressionable girls have this whole unrealistic body expectations. For one thing I think the models are way too skinny and have no boobs. Me on the other hand don’t have confidence issues when I see male models with six packs on Men’s Health magazines. I rather eat whatever I want than have washboard abs.

Sometimes I like to skim through Tattoo magazines. Some tattoos are really cool, some are really stupid. Personally I will never get any because I think I will regret it. I know a lot people who got screwed over. One idiot on my soccer team got his ex-girlfriend’s name tattooed on his arm. Good thing it was in old English script and you can’t really read it.

But if I would get one, like a red maple leaf or something, I would pay a pretty penny to get it done right. I have even seen 3D tattoos. Cool. On the other hand there are people who have run out of space on their body. They even have tattoos on their face or feet. And then there are people who get “funny” tattoos. I’ve seen one idiot with a tattoo of Michael Jackson molesting McCauley Culkin. Great idea loser.

I’m sure by now people know my love of marijuana. But who actually reads High Times? I only took a quick look a few times. They show contests such as the Cannabis Cup. “Awesome! Did you see those red crystals on that bud? I want to smoke some of that!” Maybe you want to learn how to make a weed closet. My pal had one, with lights and shit.

And finally my good friend actually works at House and Homes Magazine. Canada’s #1 magazine about design and decorating!

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Lego

Lego My Eggo

My favorite toy as a kid was Lego. You can build whatever you can imagine. And I have a good imagination. In fact as a kid I wanted to work for the Lego Corporation in Denmark and make my own Lego constructions. I love how Lego is capitalized by the way.

I never liked Lego clones such as Mega Blocks. No, real Lego is the only way fly. So unless it says Lego on every piece I’m not touching it. I found the clones never stuck together just right.

Back in the day there were only a few different blocks. Three flat ones equal one normal block. Do you remember it being a bitch trying break them apart? I resorted to using my teeth. Which was gross really and left chew marks.

I remember in elementary school I’d finish my math as quickly as possible so I’d be the first person to get to play with the Lego. That was when I was awesome at math. Of course my buildings were a mess and had no color coordination. You know when your house walls looks like scrambled eggs. Years later our school had pneumatic Lego. It was awesome.

I love how all of the Lego people are yellow; like the Simpsons. I don’t remember any black Lego people when I was a kid. I guess it is because Lego people’s eyes and mouths are black and black Lego people would be just a black Lego block. Unless their teeth are showing when they smile.

I was into Lego cars and vehicles. Wheels were my favorite pieces. Back in the day me and my brother would create own vehicles and ram them against each other. First one to stop moving loses. So I’d used like ten wheels. I find flat pieces hold together better. Of course you need a Lego driver, a glass windshield and a steering wheel so he can drive.

My friend Aaron had like a million pieces. He had like five bins of Lego. Mostly space stuff. It’s sad that I liked playing with them when I was like fourteen. Again we’d create our vehicles and ram them. He had so many pieces you’d have to empty the bins and look for all of the wheels and sort the good parts.

I also got into Castle Lego. My favorite thing was the catapult. I had two. I had two huge castles, one was the good castle and one was the evil castle. I had a million knights. Me and buddy actually bought some knights from his neighbor Ross. Haha Ross. We ripped him off. His mom found out and she was pissed.

So way back I made this huge battleground on my dresser. I still have a picture of it. I bought a huge flat green piece and painted a blue river for my pirate ship and other ships. It was sweet. At the time. Now its sad. However my brother used it as a display in school and people stole pieces. I was pissed. I also lost my instructions for my Lego sets. I wonder if they have a Lego website where they have instructions and new ideas.

Now they have a million different Lego themes. They have Starwars, Ninja, Skyrim, Indiana Jones, Lone Rangers and even Bond. I wonder what can you build for James Bond but whatever. There are Marvel and DC Lego too. If I was a kid I’d have battles between DC and Marvel. I hope Professor Xavier has a wheel chair. And I hope they have the X-Men ship; Black Bird.

I wonder if they have Lego in Israel. You’d have sacred Lego walls and temples. Lego people can walk on the Dead Seas. There would be Lego suicide bombers with Lego pieces scattered everywhere. And Lego tanks and helicopters.

What bothers me is now you have these huge pieces. It kind of takes away from being able to build things. Imagine a car that is one giant piece. I also liked mixing Lego peoples’ parts and making transvestite Lego people.

I love all of these Lego video games like Starwars Lego and the Lord of the Rings Lego. I don’t know why but they’re fun. I think they should have Nintendo Lego. Imagine Mario Lego where he can break floating Lego blocks, collect Lego coins and shoot Lego fireballs. Yoshi can eat Lego blocks and turtles can take off their Lego shells. And Zelda Lego would be like Castle Lego or Lord of the Rings Lego.

I always wanted to go to Lego Land. I’ve seen life size statues of R2D2 and Darth Vader. Sweet. That would be a bitch to build. Imagine a place where you live where everything is made of Lego. I want to live in my own Lego house and drive a life size Lego Ford Focus. And I’d have a huge Lego statute of me, only in tan color. If Lego comes in tan. I don’t know. By the way I think I used the word Lego about fifty Lego times.

The Goodwill

When you are a retiree like myself you still like to work part time to keep yourself busy. So I decided to give back to the community and volunteer at the Goodwill. For the past month I have been working there once a week on Tuesdays. And I get an employee discount! You’re not supposed to shop during your shift or break but I do glance at some items.

I’m already a regular there. Things go fast at the Goodwill so I check out the movies and stuff all the time when I go on my morning walks. DVDs are $3 each (no tax) and I have probably bought like 20 of them. And VHS movies are only a buck so I bought a ton. Including every decent Disney and Pixar movie there is. Even though my brother hates when I buy tapes. I also have a friend that works there that I met through poker. He knows my love of movies and is going to actually bring a list of his DVDs and sell me the ones I want.

They pretty much put me wherever they need me. My first day I had to do “pulls.” When clothes and certain items have been there for five weeks they move them to the other Goodwill store or donate them. So there are five different color tags and my job was to go through all of the women’s clothes and pull the clothes with the orange tags. Too bad the yellow and orange tags look the same and I spend more time figuring it out what color it is. And some of the tops keep falling off the damn hanger and I buddy told me fuck it.

The next week I had to pull men’s clothing. Too bad I had to pull men’s boxers. Gross. I mean who donates boxers and who actually buys them. I mean I don’t want to get Aids. I hope they check for skin marks. Goodwill doesn’t even wash them. I have also heard of people donating grandma panties. Haha.

For my third week I helped out with moving the furniture. The thing that pisses me off is that people are too fucking lazy and cheap to throw out their furniture in a dump. So they “donate” all of this junk to the Goodwill. I know all too well people aren’t going to buy those old shitty wooden rear projector T.V. stands.

For my fourth week I got to sort through incoming items. It’s probably the most fun job looking at donations and peoples shit. One old lady donated a purse filled with coins. We gave it to the manager. There were some Iphones and shitty computers. And there was garbage. Literally.

I saw Ram Man from He-Man. He’s the guy whose legs spring up and down. So he goes from a midget to a normal person. Knowing they’re worth a lot and my cousin collects He-Man toys, I wanted to buy right then and there. But it’s against Goodwill’s policy. So I have checked the toys section three times and I can’t find him.

There were two other volunteers that helped out. Both were high school students working there for the summer.  I think they wanted to get experience put on their resume or get a paying job there. Too bad idiot dropped a glass bowl. Twice. So there was glass all over the fucking place. I mean come on.

We found several books on how to land a man and why men are assholes. It was hilarious, we had a good laugh. We were thinking it must have been some desperate woman who divorced a bunch of times. I remember one book was something like “Why Men like Bitches” and another was the classic “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” Do you honestly think these books help?

I forgot how it started by me and one guy, both atheists, started talking about how ridiculous the Holy Bible is. I was saying how impossible it would be for Noah to catch two of every animal, bring them back to his huge boat he built himself, keep them safely separated, feed them, and keep them alive for forty some days. And then put them back where he caught them all over the world.

And the other guy who is deeply religious overheard us and said it was possible. Then he had all of these arguments that were just nonsense. I felt bad and I didn’t want get into any theological debates. But my atheist friend kept going at it and religious guy’s eyes were getting watery.

Religious guy explained the Pixar theory to me. It is basically saying that most or all of the Pixar movies are related in some way to one another. It blew my mind. For example the doors in Monsters Inc. are actually time portals. There are all of these small details that you don’t notice right away. But I’m not good at explaining things so go look it up on Youtube.

There is also a Value Village in town. However they are overpriced. They also sell movies but for $5 and they have a terrible selection. They sell sketchy and dirty clothes. The thing is Goodwill is non profit while Value Village isn’t. At least Value Village gives some percentage to charity.

A while back I bought a T.V. for $17 at Value Village. When I see something with a sticker saying “as is” I won’t touch it. But this television clearly said tested. I get back home and its fucked up. I go back to the store to return it. Dude told me that they don’t take returns and I told him it said tested. He says the power worked but they couldn’t hook it up. And that its only $17 and he doesn’t want to lose his job over this. I tell him ya great job and then I told him to fuck off. So his manager gave me my money back. But I sill wasted gas and more importantly; my time.