I Like to Ride My Bicycle, I Like to Ride My Bike

Remember the first time you rode a bike? I had training wheels and I still managed to wipe out. I was tough kid though. It took me many of days for me to ride one. Remember the freedom of riding a bike? No more walking for this big boy.

And of course the sang “like riding a bike” is true. Imagine learning all over again each time you hadn’t rode for a while. Hey guys I just got some new training wheels. My dad will teach me because my mom hasn’t ridden a bicycle either for over a year. And the baseball cards in the spokes are pretty fucking sweet. I think it will take me a couple of days so I can finally join you guys on your biking adventures.

As kids riding our bikes is what we would do for an afternoon. We would go through the park or go to Harvey’s and get a value burger with everything on it. Now it takes me five minutes to get to Harvey’s and I can buy the original burger, with everything on it. And I clearly ask for everything on it and she would ask if I want pickles and I have to say I want mayo because apparently that isn’t included everything on it.

I remember me and my brother both got new mountain bikes. Why do they call them mountain bikes? I don’t know. I never had to ride up a mountain or volcano. In retrospect I should have got a speed bike. I mean they’re called speed bikes and are much faster on any roads or sidewalks. But the mountain bikes look cool. And isn’t that the most important thing.

I used to be able to ride with no arms or do a pop a wheelie. Now the kids are riding bikes instead of skate boards and can pull off these crazy stunts. A while back I went down this trail way too fast and ending up landing on the frame and almost smashing my balls. I hated wearing a helmet; so much that I would hide it after I left home. They are uncomfortable and it looks like you’re a sissy. If I get smoked by a drunk driver and break every bone in my body and am paralyzed I think I would rather not be saved by a helmet.

I had these locks that I would only turn one digit away from the password. Changing your chains when they fell out used to be a bitch too. I know that bikers are supposed to ride in the street and not on a side walk but that’s stupid and dangerous. For example the biker might be going ten clicks in your lane and you can’t change lanes because there a too many cars in the other lane. They also use those signals and I can never remember what which way they are turning. Hmm he’s sticking his arm out; hmm remember your driver education.

So we used to leave the garage door unlocked and as a result people got inside and stole me and my brother’s new bikes. I was so sad. I wish I knew who the mother fuckers were. We’re they punk kids that would have trashed it or were they poor kids that hit the jackpot. I’m thinking of putting up signs on posts or milk cartons for my old bike. I would ask if anyone knows any information regard my stolen bike and offer a thousand reward. I know it’s too late for my bike but I want disclosure.

I always wondered about the point of a double bike. For the back rider it is all of the fun of riding a normal bike without steering. It’s got to be a bit frustrating to not being able to stop. And I don’t think you can ride a double bike alone. And unicycles are gay. Can you actually go anywhere without falling or stopping?

I’ve told this story before but a few years back I decide to get a new bike at Canadian tire. It was on sale for half off and ended being only $200. It was pretty nifty; it had shocks and two cup holders. And I bought those cushioned seats for my tight sexy ass.

Four days after I bought it, I was riding down the sidewalk on Murphy towards Winners. There are some side roads and I see this car pulling out from one. I assumed she saw me. Normally I stop to be courteous but I had some momentum. Well she was turning right and I think she was only looking left for traffic and didn’t even see me and bam, she hits me. Well I checked my body and felt alright; no bodily harm. So I get her info and continue towards Winners. As soon as she left I realize my tire was wobbling and the breaks were fucked and rubbing against the tire. And I’m like fuck me! I mean a brand new bike and the only time I didn’t wait for a car I get hit. So I get my dad to pick up me up and called the police. Well I’m not sure what happened. The cop filed a report but the woman didn’t even pay us a cent. What a bitch! Now I’m nervous that every time I’m crossing the street that the car won’t hit me.