Trekkies: Part 3

Star Trek the Next Generation has to be the best in the series. Followed by just Star Trek and then Voyager. And um Deep Space Nine. So who’s the best captain? Unless you choose Captain Picard you’re out of your mind.

Why are all the people in Star Trek humanoids? In Star Wars there are a plethora of different creatures like Yoda, that wampa, Chewy and the friendly ewoks. In Star Trek the only differences is like a ridge in the nose or elf ears. A Klingon looks like a stressed out black guy. Why not make a squid like alien with tentacles or some alien with ten eyes.

I guess just like working at McDonalds everyone has to wear uniforms, but they are these spandex uniforms. I never knew what the different colors are supposed to mean. I guess it’s a perk to have your own favorite color. But why one piece spandexes? You can see Counselor Troi’s nipples and you don’t want to get a boner because there is no hiding it. It’s not like high school where you can cover it up with a binder.

The Enterprise has terrible speed and maneuverability. Picard is like evasive action and the ship slowly turns. And the damn shield always go down every time I’ve seen the show. In Star Wars the Millennium Falcon would destroy the Enterprise before Picard could say fire.

Why don’t they have seat belts on the ship? Every time the Romulans fire torpedoes at them they make these dramatic falls. Their stunt doubles could really hurt themselves. And they have a billion buttons flashing that you can’t even see what they do; they’re just different colors. Whats that Picard, you want me to put the windshield wipers on? Whoops I just shot a missile at our selves. Just don’t get ready or hold on; just stand there and try not to fall. That’s why I don’t understand why there are civilians aboard an Enterprise. That’s like having your family live with you on a war sub.

Holodecks would kick ass! I wonder if I will see one in my life time. I would probably live in there 24/7. You could do whatever you could imagine. Maybe not snow boarding; I’m not sure how big the room is. I mean why wouldn’t you live there? It would suck living in the outside world in your quarters playing that chess game of theirs. I would like the meet Jesus program. I would definitely love to debate or get philosophical with him. Or I can finally meet Jennifer Love Hewitt. The holo video games would rule; imagine playing Holo Call of Duty where you are in the game. Just don’t turn off the safety device. Anti Gravity Mario Brothers would rule too. I’m just wondering if there is some kind of lock on the holodeck and if other people can access it while you’re inside. You wouldn’t want to be caught with a whole bunch of Klingon chicks or with Captain Janeway.

Replicators would be amazing. I would be so obese if you can get whatever you want instantly. Except Romulan ale. See I know my Star Trek. I would order a hundred McNuggets and a bucket of honey. And I would get hammered every day despite Whoopi Goldberg’s caution. Hey I’m drunk, I’m Captain Picard and I’m bald and I have a terrible lisp and I sit at the throne.

Teleporters would be fun too. I just don’t know how safe they are. I don’t want to end up with my arm sticking out my head. Whoops, I miscalculated and you’re dead. Dammit! Again! I rather just walk or take a shuttle.

Captain Picard is the bald guy that orders people around. I’m sure by then that they would find a cure for baldness. But I guess it makes him distinguish. He likes calling Riker number two. Why? I guess it’s a nick name that somehow started. Riker never says great job number one. Between the both of them they get a lot of some action.

Data, who looks strikingly similar to Stickley, is the android. I find him annoying at times. He’s always like why do you laugh? Well Data laughing is a human trait and this marijuana makes you laugh. Do you want to try it? Wow, what a sensation, I feel like going to the replicators.

Warf is the massive Klingon. Why are all Klingons black? He’s always obsessed with honor and shit. For example, he loses to Data at Star Trek chess and goes fucking crazy. I must now cut myself. And Data is like, curios it’s a human quality to flip out and cut yourselves. I would like to experience pain but I’m a robot.

Geordi is the blind guy that looks like a black Cyclops from the X Men. He wears a “visor” in order to see. It must be a bitch to take it off and have a shower. Where the fuck is my visor! Did you guys move it again? That’s not funny!

Councilor Troi is the psychic much like Spock, but she hardly uses her powers and they are all obscured anyway. She’s always wearing her own unique spandexes that reveal her cleavage. I don’t know if I want to be around her though. She could read my mind and find out that I would do all this nasty shit to her in a simulated holodeck.

Wesley Crusher is the youngest main character and very smart for his age. His mom Dr. Beverly Crusher is one hell of a milf. She does everything from space STDs to colonoscopies. There is a waiting list for patients on the Enterprise especially after Romulan attacks because nobody wears any damn seatbelts!