Snowy Whitey

I bought a shitload of VHS tapes for 99 cents from Goodwill. I got really stoned and decided to watch Snow White for the first time. Why would a grown adult watch it? Just curious. By the way do you know the seven dwarves names?

I don’t know if her real name is Snow White or what. I mean is Snow her first name and White her last name? Or is it a nick name. Hey she’s a really really pale albino; let’s call her Snow White. I will hence forth call her Snowy. I wonder if they had tanning solons back then or at least put some sun tan lotion, you don’t want to be called Orange Pumpkin.

Spoiler! The dwarf’s names are Sleepy, Doc, Dopey, Bashful, Happy, Grumpy and Sneezy. Sleepy needs a good night sleep and some coffee. I’m like Doc; I always have my words mixed up. I think Happy does happy drugs. Grumpy is a spaz and Sneezy needs Reactine. Bashful is bashful. And Dopey scares the shit out of me. Honestly the retarded mute is freaky as Hell!

Nothing really happens in the whole damn movie. I think it was made in a time when people like seeing animated squirrels and enjoyed stupid jokes. So the evil Queen finds out she’s not the hottest of them all. She’s got a hot bod but looks like a crazy bitch. I’d give her eight while I’d give Snowy a nine. So Queen of the harpies wants to kill Snowy because she’s a crazy bitch. Look Queen we all get old and you’re not going to stay the hottest of them all forever. Soon your boobs will sag and you will have age spots and wrinkles. What happens if the queen finds out that she is the tenth hottest? Will she keep killing them off?

So the Queen hires some dude to kill her. But who could kill such a young hotty and tells her to run away. So Snowy runs into the magical forest and befriends the animals. Good thing there aren’t any bears. So she tries to sing with the animals but if she was on American Idol Simon would mock her. Snow White you are tone death and can’t hit those high notes. You have picked a song with pretty much has no lyrics; get packing.

So she breaks into a cabin and decides to clean up the place with the help of deer and other cute furry animals and decides to sing the same fucking song over again. Next you meet the seven dwarves in the mine but these are not your Hobbit dwarves, they are pussies compared to them. Gimili could kick all their asses. So they are leaving and start singing hi ho hi ho off to work we go. Hey dipshits, you should be saying hi ho hi ho off to home we go. And when they return they try to murder the intruder but find out its just some pale chick. So Snowy prepares dinner but makes them wash before they eat. This goes on for fucking twenty minutes.  

So the Queen finds out that Snowy isn’t dead and decides to do it herself. She uses some magic to turn herself into an old hag. Why not just turn herself into a younger and hotter bitch and let her daughter in law live. And she makes this magical apple that kills Snowy if she eats. Why go through all of this trouble when she can easily amass an army to burn down the cabin and kill poor Snowy.

So they dwarves chase her to a nearby cliff and the old hag is trapped. So there is this huge convenient boulder just barely lying there that the queen tries to push over. But lighting just so happens to strike and breaks the edge of the cliff she was standing on and she falls to her death like Wiley Coyote. I guess the writers couldn’t come up with a plausible ending that is intended for children. I would have liked if the dwarves corner her and use their picks to brutally kill her while she takes out Dopey with magic arrows. Or the queen could become stuck as the old hag forever.

So Snow White is sleeping in a casket or something. Is she dead or is she in a coma? Because her body would have decompose and reek. But hey this prince decides to get some action and kisses her and bam she’s alive. Is this love at first sight? Should they get to now each other before they get intimate? I know every girl wants to marry a prince and live happily ever after. Sorry girls unless you want to settle with Prince Harry it’s not going to happen. Do they ever get in fights? They lived happily for three years until the prince has an affair and the Snow White wants custody over the kids. She later died of skin cancer.