Florida Trip Part One: the Road Trip

The road trip was surprisingly fun. I planned on watching a Lost marathon but didn’t even use my portable DVD playa. My dad loves driving and we like listening to music. And I know I would never try driving his new Lincoln SUV. Or any car really. I get nervous just watching my dad drive; he speeds and drives very close to other cars. So he tells me to watch out the window and not worry because he has not got into a single accident while I have.

Dad tried a different route this time towards Florida knowing it would be longer but thinking it would be more scenic. He was wrong. All there was were mountains and forests and hardly any rest stops or towns. So this was all new to him and dad needed my help. I’m a horrible navigator, I still get lost in my own town. He asks me which road is coming up and to get the map out and try to find Chattanooga. No Greg that’s a brochure and clearly not a map. Good thing my dad has a built in GPS we called the Bitch because she never shuts up. Dammit Bitch I thought I pressed mute and told you we are going to McDonalds to have two delicious Big Macs.

So there are actually three options on how fast to go. There is fastest route, shortest route and economical route. Why wouldn’t you just choose fastest route? I don’t know. But my dad was curious and tries the shortest route thinking it would be scenic, once again. Well it took forever and led down town with like thirty lights. Shut up bitch you’re leading us to into a pond. However we did see a deer off to the side of the road. What a beautiful animal. Then we saw three dead carcasses. Not so beautiful.

.

I like seeing other cars and where they are from. We finally pull up to a much needed rest stop and two other Lincolns pull up beside us. I notice one car was from Ontario and I ask where they were from and guess what; they were from Sarnia and live on

Twin Lakes Drive

. Small world eh.

My dad has satellite and we were bargaining on what kind of music to listen to. Except for a few bands like the Beatles and the Beach Boys I don’t like anything before the 70s. My dad doesn’t care for a lot of new music either. So we agreed on listening to the 80s. Which was fun at first but we find out that its either on a three hour loop or the DJ hasn’t heard from any other songs from the 80s. We had to raise the volume on ACDC, both me and dad's favorite band. And we actually had to mute some of the songs like Prince or Culture Club.

I like looking at billboards. My favorites are the Christian ones pushing their insane religion upon us. They actually had a sign saying something like homosexuality is an abomination Lexus 33.  Funny I have never heard anything like that in the Bible. There were some sings saying Hell is Real. And there were signs saying Jesus loves you. Speaking of which, my mom put up a sign saying keep Christ in Christmas while we were gone. Good Lord. I love the adult store signs, not too appropriate for child passengers. One was: strippers, need we say more? And my favorite, McDonalds coming up ahead in 20 miles. I also like the stores bragging that they are the biggest. I actually seen three Christmas stores claming they are the largest in the States. They might as well claim they are the biggest in the Universe. Or even the Multi Universe if you believe in parallel dimensions.

There were a variety of awesome cars and shitty cars. One Mexican dude was trying to sell his beat up car with duck tape windows and a spoiler on top of another spoiler. I don’t even think you could pay someone to take it off his hands. There was a humvee taking two fucking lanes. Why do people even get humvee bewilders me. There were a lot of bad American drivers too. This one guy kept passing us and then slowing down. I finally gave him the finger. Or a number of trucks take five minutes slowing passing another truck pretty much the same speed.

Me and my dad have these competitions such as the first person to spot a palm tree or when we will arrive in another state. So after two days we come upon Vero Beach with no problems or accidents. And only an hour away we are stuck in a huge traffic jam.

On the way back the bridge was backed up. There were three lanes. One for cars, one for trucks and one for Nexus. With Nexus you pay a flat fee for quicker trips over the bridge, which of course is used for people who make a lot of trips over the bridge. So there was a long lineup for normal drivers and a short lane for Nexus. To indicate you have Nexus you use your four way lights. Well idiot asshole isn’t aware of this and just drives down the Nexus lane and tries to get into our lane ahead of everyone else who has been waiting forever. Honestly what was he thinking? Hmm, there is nobody in the center lane, I wonder why. Well I will just drive down and later merge in the car lane. Ha-ha nobody would let him in. I wish he had no choice but to come up to the Nexus booth and claim he is an incompetent idiot.

Well me and Marg were talking about accidents and she shared me a funny story. Of course I butcher every story I tell so bare with me. In Wallaceburg she was behind a piece of shit van at a stop sign with no other cars insight. She was clearly a hippy. So she stops at the sign and then speeds away and Marg follows her and then out of nowhere she abruptly slams on the breaks and Marg hardly hits her. I forget the details but they shared information and everything. Then she pulls the whole I badly injured my neck. So asshole goes to court and wins like a $10000. That’s right a $10000. Apparently it would be easier for the insurance company to just shut her up and give away the money. What a scam it sounds so typical. I bet she had a neck brace, a greedy lawyer and a phony doctor. And guess what. Marg heard she did the exact same thing to someone else and wins another $10000. I hope she actually breaks her neck or get sued by someone else for a million dollars.