Florida Trip Part Three: The Food

Everyone knows I love eating, especially when I smoke weed. I’m a fat person in a slim person’s body. Since I was a kid I ate all the time and wouldn’t gain an ounce. However I was pretty fat for a few years but I lost it all by working out and eating less. That’s obviously the way to do it. Too bad some of my clothes don’t fit anymore such as my boxers. Anyway in Florida I ate so much I gained five pounds. Imagine how much I’d gain if I had weed over there. The best part was that since we were staying at my aunt and uncle for free, my dad insisted to pay for every meal. And with my mom at home she won’t nag about how unhealthy our meals are. I could eat cake frosting for all I care.

Our first real meal to start off the trip was at Hooters. Remember it was just me and my dad. So what happens in Florida stays in Florida. It was the worst restaurant ever. I get better service at Taco Bell. So we had to wait forever just to get in. And we notice there were like only three waitresses in the entire restaurant. And we got the total bitch from Hell. She never smiled or joked or anything. She clearly hated her job and probably hated her life. She asks for my I.D. which feels nice, and asks where my date of birth was. So I tell her it’s on the top because we are from Canada. Normally the waitress will ask we are from and stuff. No she says, and get this; I didn’t ask where you were from. Goodbye tip. And she even got the orders wrong too.

We expected better service there and that this is part of the reason people go to Hooters. Only hot chicks are allowed to work there while the manager finds ways to fire the not hot chicks. She had a nice rack but she wasn’t even hot. They know that men are going to flirt with you or look at your tits when you’re not looking. All of this comes with the territory. The cooks weren’t any better either. Every fucking minute you hear the cooks yelling at each other. Hey Leroy where are the damn steaks! Shut your hole. And the food was terrible. Never again.

I was looking forward to eating at McDonalds every day especially when it’s cheap. I had Big Macs, Mc Nuggets and Mc Flurries. I ate like a king! So we get up early to go to the deep sea fishing. My dad wants a Mc Muffin and we order some food. Well my dad looks at the drive through and it was packed. We were sort of in a rush and so my dad goes into reverse and I’m like what are you doing? He backs up and you can hear the lady saying welcome to McDonalds and he turns around and we leave. So he totally fucked up their orders and people are going to get the wrong meal or the wrong price. He says that we are never going to be there ever again anyway. A few days later we order for here and pay for our meal. Well apparently their egg McMuffin machine wasn’t working and people were getting impatient. So there were tons of cashiers but hardly any chefs. And my dad is getting pissed off. Normally we would just leave but we already paid. It took twenty damn minutes. Clearly this wasn’t fast food. I’d get quicker meals at Red Lobster. Also aunt Marg loves spoiling me too. She made the best Egg McMuffins and BLTs.

We went to a lot of fish places and one had a buffet. Bad move because I’m going to eat so much they are going to lose money. At another fish place, up at the front there was one of those crane games. Only there no gay stuffed animals. There were lobsters. So it’s only two dollars and I thought it would be fun. I had one in the air but it fell off. So I spent eight bucks and my dad tells me to stop wasting money. Well I asked the waitress, who was it hot and kind unlike the Hooter Harpy, if people actually catch anything. She said it happens a lot and the staff cannot play anymore because they kept winning. But apparently some guy is a pro and he comes almost every week and has an almost free lobster.

Normally I go to Chinese buffets; there are like six now in Sarnia. Panda Gardens is the way to go. So we go but it was taking a while and I was eating all of the appetizers. I’d assume I could handle it but when we got our meals I needed a dog bag. What an udder disappointment for the never ending stomach. I also got a gator tail dog bag at another place and I ate it the next day and it reeked.

We ate at a lot of different pizza joints. The best pizza was at some high end pizzeria call Sardos, or something, in a rich neighborhood. It ended up costing $70 but was the best pizza and salad ever. And we get the nicest waitress and we get talking about all sorts of things. I bet she’s really happy because of all of her tips. Especially from us. We go to another joint and it was so filling I hardly touched it. We later have leftovers and I couldn’t eat anymore. I’ve become every thing I hated!

So on our way back we go to one last restaurant to cap off the trip. We knew it was Thanks Giving but assumed that the restaurants were still open. They weren’t. At least any of the good ones. We ended up going to Steak and Shake, no way to finish off our trip. And as soon as we leave we see an Apples that was open. But in a funny way I missed my moms home cooked meals and of course my weed.