2012 Olympics

Well the Olympics are well underway with China in the lead. China always wins the competitions except for basketball or weight lifting. They are probably forced to workout everyday and they have to win or else their whole family is whipped out.

The Olympics originated in ancient Greece where athletes came together to compete for their city and god. Ancient Greece was a little homo erotic. For example the wrestlers competed bare naked and the women couldn’t participate.  That would be hot though if two chicks went at it nude.

I realize when I wrestled we wore singlets, which is pretty much spandex, or else you could grab onto the clothing. Again the Greeks wore nothing and you could plainly see their junk just dangly there.  There had to be rules like no eye gouging, pulling of the hair or grabbing the nuts.

The opening ceremony was short but sweet and went without a hitch.  Some dude never threw a discus at the Queen. She didn’t look too impressed; she looked kind of bored. So for each nation somebody carries their flag and they march long the stadium. That would be awesome unless your event is early next morning.

There were countries like Liechtenstein that I have never even heard of. I actually saw some countries with like two athletes. I’m sure they enjoyed just being there. I was wondering if any countries were not invited like North Korea or Afghanistan. Either way they wouldn’t win anything unless they are doing the shooting events or blow yourself up events.

Since England is hosting the Olympics there are so some differences, such as driving the wrong side of the road. There is of course the time difference which screws up my schedule. I’m not going to wake up at 8:00 am to watch ping pong and what happens if the View is on at the same time as women beach volleyball?

I was looking at the events and I saw that there was hockey. So I’m wondering why the fuck would they hold hockey in the summer Olympics. Well apparently the English call field hockey just hockey. They also call soccer; football. Which makes sense because you kick the ball with your feet unlike American football. And then there is handball; I have no idea what that is.

I would never want to participate in the Olympics because I’m lazy and I don’t want waste my precious time training vigorously all day, every day and not smoking weed or playing video games. My question is, can athletes smoke weed because it’s not a performance enhancing drug. Too bay it stays in the system for weeks and is detectable by most drug tests.

It’s sad for every athlete who doesn’t win a gold because who gives a shit if you got silver or bronze. Even if you do win, what would you do with your gold or platinum medals anyway. Do you wear it around your neck when you go out or does it stay on your mantle for everyone to see. It’s a medal, it doesn’t do anything, it never says I love you or cook your favorite meal. At the most you can pawn it for drugs.

Gymnastics is crazy. Like podracing gymnastics is very dangerous, you must have Jedi reflexes. I see these guys doing like triple back flips and landing on poles and what not. I would not want to break my leg or land on my nuts. The girls kind of scare me because they look like dudes with their huge pulsing muscles. So some gymnast might perform flawlessly until they land slightly wrong and lose after years of hard conditioning for nothing.

The javelin throw is pretty cool. I wonder who invented the game. Did some kids try to see how far they can throw a stick and it caught on. I heard of one story where some guy was practicing the javelin throw and through it into some poor guy’s head. He’s okay, but I doubt he’s going to be the next Stephen Hawkins.

The swimming events are fun but unfair. It’s too bad for the countries that can’t afford pools and never played water polo before. I doubt they could even swim across the pool. The Americans dominate; as you remember from the last Olympics, Phelps took home eight.

My favorite events has to be running ones; you want to see who is the fastest person on Earth. I used to be quite the runner myself, they called me the flash. Haha. No they didn’t. Too bad our own Ben Johnson lost his gold medal because he used steroids. He will be known as the fastest person on Earth, on steroids.

And women’s shot put is for lesbians.

Looney Toons

Fan Picks: Looney Tunes

Looney Toons was groundbreaking. Back in the day the word looney toons would be like the phrase fucking crazy toons for today. The only other classic cartoons I liked were Mickey Mouse and the gang. The others were so stupid and not funny at all. I could watch them stoned and not crack a smile. I mean I laugh at purple fire hydrants when I’m stoned. Ha it’s purple.

Drugs Bunny is the main character. “Whatz up brotha?” He is so cocky even in the face of death. He has his bitch Honey Bunny and you know bunnies fuck all of the time. I love when he burrows underground and leaves that trail.

Two of his mortal enemies are Sam the Tennessee redneck and the wetard Elmer Fudd. Bugs is a complete cross dresser. Let’s say he disguise himself as a hot chick for Sam. I hope he gets the rabbit to his place to make sweet love. Then he finds out Bugs has a wig and a penis. That’s bad for both of them.

Then there is Elmer Fudd who looks just like Porky Pig wearing camouflage. It would be cool if he was after Honey Bunny “Wun, wun bitch.” And blows her head away. And you should hear him laugh when he’s stoned. “Huh hu hu this is some good weed.”

Beep beep. The lovable Road Runner and Wiley Coyote are my favorite characters. As you know Wiley is always trying to trap the Runner with his Acne inventions but fucks up each time. I always wonder why the bird is in such a rush and where he is going all of the time.

Why does he buy his inventions from Acne? They never work. “Look I want to return this bear trap. It didn’t go off when that damn bird took the bait. But as soon as I step on it, took my fucking foot off. Now I need an Acne prosthetic leg. Assholes.” 

How about getting a microwave and some microwave chicken. I mean everyone knows that road runner tastes just like chicken. Or a sniper rifle. Or even better a fucking nuke that would kill any road runner within a ten km radius.

Where is this place? The Grand Canyon? I didn’t realize these birds used roads. I mean you would think the Road Runner get smoked by a car by now. “On the news a mother with her three children have hit the Road Runner. They children are instantly killed and the mother is in critical condition. The Road Runner is paralyzed from the neck down and will never run roads again.

The police put up road runner crossing signs, but they keep getting stolen by teenagers. Meanwhile with the Runner half dead, Wiley Coyote doesn’t know what to do now. He tried to suffocate the Runner in the hospital with an Acne pillow but fell out the window into a gorge. He’s writing his memoirs.”

I don’t even think the coyote has life insurance. “Sorry Wiley, you fall off the cliff every damn week, more than once.” His medical bills must have racked up to millions of dollars. He should just move to Canada where we have free medicare and slow as shit Canadian geese to eat.

I hate Tweedy Bird and that kangaroo. I always wished Sylvester would finally eat her. He would just swallow her whole and let his stomach acid eat her away. Maybe if Granny wasn’t so senile she’d actually feed the cat and he wouldn’t have to starve or plot his next stupid scheme.

“I thought I saw a poison dart? I did see a poison dart.” And give him some catnip, he’s strung out. Then there is the guard dog who tries to kill him. But nothing is wrong with that. Sylvester the genius always thinks that kangaroo is a fucking mouse. And whatever his name is, it kicks the shit out him and all Sylvester sees are tweedy birds. And then he tries to eat them.

Porky is the incoherent pig. I never liked him. Imagine how hard it would be for a waiter to take his order. I..I.. wanntt want;. the ss.soup. He could be the smartest pig but could never play jeopardy. Get speech lessons. He’s worst than an autistic dyslexic baby. To to to today junior.

Pepe is the French skunk stalker. He’s French because he doesn’t shower and stinks. He always tries to rape the poor cat. I heard she got restraining orders against him. I don’t know why he can’t tell the difference between a fellow skunk and a black cat with a white stripe. Maybe try using Axe deodorant and buy her catnip.

Daffy duck is the duck that looks like a priest. He’s got this horrible lisp. “Suffering fucking succotash!” Funny, Donald Duck is a fellow duck with similar speech impairment. Coincidence? He can’t even order pizza.

Taz is the Tasmanian devil. He’s all fucked up on coke. He turns into tornados and destroys virtually anything in his path. Good thing Taz the Spaz doesn’t live in Kansas; that would piss a lot of people off. “Tornadoes? That’s not funny.” And he eats like a champ. He can eat more than Elephant with the munchies.  

Speeding Gonzales is the Mexican mouse. “Arriba, Arriba.” They actually eliminated Gonzales cartoons because it was so racists. Thanks for ruining it captain buzzkill this isn’t Politically Correct Toons. I think Speedy should have a race with the Road Runner.

I loved Ralph Wolf and Sam Sheepdog. Ralph is almost identical to Wiley Coyote but is after sheep instead of roadrunners. It’s funny because the Ralph and Sam live together and both punch in the same clock for their respective jobs. So Ralph tries to steal a sheep and Sam just beats the living shit out him. Hey Ralph, try finding another job or ask for a raise. Or wait until Sam has his paid two week vacation.

That tha tha that’s all fuckers.

Guns

Here is a serious blog about guns.

I’m sure you have heard of the evil crazy fuck Holmes who went on a shooting spree in a movie theater. The movie was the latest Batman; Dark Knight Rises and evil fuck thought he was the Joker. I assume he has been plotting his master plan months ago before the movie hit theaters. This is another shooting spree that happened in Colorado of all places. My question is how can this happen again?

I’m Canadian and when I talk about my country or the States I’m mostly joking. However there are many things about the U.S. I don’t understand. I hardly know anything about politics or the constitution but don’t you think the constitution is a bit outdated? It was written a long time ago in a different age. But it’s not written on a scroll but written in stone.

I always hear “but it’s in the constitution.” Take guns, it’s in the constitution; a man should be able to bear arms. But it’s a different age now.  What happens if there was something stupid or horrible like a man should have the right to beat his children with a cane? “Daddy you broke my arm.” “Hey daughter, it’s in the constitution.”

So how the fuck did Holmes get a hold these weapons and where were the parents? He obviously has mental illness and the parents must have known about all of this shit. Did the parents even been inside his booby trap laced apartment? So should crazy people be allowed to own any firearms? He had a clean criminal record but doesn’t everyone have a clean record to begin with?

So he obtained automatic rifles and other weapons. Why are people allowed to own fucking automatic rifles? I understand some old lady or someone in the ghetto needs a hand gun for protection. Or hunters need hunting rifles, but they don’t need assault rifles  to shoot the shit out of a deer. These automatic guns are made to kill many people very fast! There is absolutely no need for people to have them.

So Holmes is in court now. I don’t know why they even bother? It’s a waste of time and energy and a slap to the face to everyone affected by this tragedy. So douche dyed his hair bright orange and looks crazy. But is he pretending or not? I hope to God he isn’t found insane and sent to a hospital. I honestly wish the worst thing to happen to him like electrocuting him or torture.

In Canada we don’t have guns and I think that’s great, although we still have hunting rifles. But hunting rifles are safe as far as I know. I have never heard of anyone going on a shooting spree with one. My point is by allowing people to own guns for protection you are allowing the very criminals to use guns against you.

The Jetsons

Do you remember the Jetsons? They had a petty lame theme song.

Meet George Jetson.
His boy Elroy.
Daughter Judy.
Jane, his wife.

That’s all they wrote. That’s it.

The Jetsons is a futuristic cartoon set in 2060s that aired in the early 60s and again in the 80s. It’s made by the good people at Hannah-Barbera that also created the Flintstones.

Like all things in the 60s, they made bad predictions on the future such as hovering cars or thinking computers. And then there are some things like futuristic typewriters instead of laptops. And I bet there internet is really, really slow.

Kind of like how in the Flintstones everyone’s names are related to geology, the Flintstones names are somehow futuristic or related to outerspace. Such as Galatia, the mayor of Super Nova and her talking dog Staryu.

George Jetson is the father who works at Spacely’s Sprockets. He works there three hours a day, three days a week. I work about an hour a day, one day a month. I don’t remember what exactly he does but it seems he does all of the work. He even walks Astro on the treadmill even though Astro is fully capable of walking himself.

Spacely should now be known as Danny DeVito. Apparently DeVito’s company was founded in 1937 in Newfoundland. See I did some research. Even though Newfoundland is part of the greatest nation Canada, Newfis are idiots. I know one old Newfi guy from poker, who used to be a fisherman, hates Newfi jokes even though he isn’t the sharpest harpoon in the harpoon holder case.

Jane is a homemaker even though they already have a robot maid that does all of the real work. Again I don’t know what she does aside from taking her husbands money and going shopping. But she only wears the same damn purple dress every day. Maybe she has a walk-in closet full of purple dresses. But she is a fine looking bitch.

Judy is a typical futuristic teenager. She is incredibly anorexic and uses the treadmill to burn off calories. She attends Orbit High School where they learn important matters like how to turn on your robotic maid or how to fly a flying briefcase car.

Elroy is the kid genius that is always inventing something new. He attends Little Dipper School. But I think he should go to a genius school because he already knows how to bend space time and create a robot with real emotions that can create other robots with real emotions.

The Jetsons have two pets. Orbitty the cute little purple creature that was later added to the show because they needed more characters and more storylines. I wish I had one because it’s cute, it can change colors and it has spring legs. And Astro is the talking pet dog that is very similar to Scooby. “That’s rright Reg, I am rog. Now I want some frood.”

Rosy is the fat robot maid bitch. She’s a really outdated model but a beloved member of the family. She has to clean space dust, clean space toilets and how to turn on the automatic microwave. She even has a robot boyfriend. How do they have sex, I don’t know?

So the show begins with George flying in his flying car. I think it’s a hybrid that runs on exomaplatteric energy because gas stations are assholes. I mean how high can gas go until people get really, really pissed off and find other means?

So George drops the kids at school and he drops his wife at the mall where she spends his hard earned money. Once at work his flying car turns into a brief case. My hover skateboard turns into a lunch box.

I never realized that they used laugh track. Hahaha. Do people really laugh when others are laughing? Haha. I mean in the future do people laugh at everything. Haha. They will laugh at anything remotely funny. Haha. Like when Astro shits on the treadmill and shit splatters all over the place. Haha.

It seems that with conveyer belt sidewalks and flying briefcase cars people don’t seem to do much exercise. And with futuristic microwaves you would think everyone would be really fat. Unless Elroy finally invents a skinny pill.

The cartoonists try to save time and energy by using the same goddamn background. Seriously like Astro is running away from George because Astro shit on the treadmill and you can clearly see the background on a loop.

It seems every day George fucks up or there is a huge misunderstanding. Like Judy wants to fuck her boyfriend Comet but she doesn’t want her parents to find out. So Elroy would help Judy by inventing some new birth control pill.  But George mistakes it if for a vitamin pill. So Judy takes the vitamin pill instead and gets knocked up by her boyfriend while George gets violently ill.

Survivor

Survivor: Outwit, Outplay, Outlast

Have you ever run away from home when you were a kid? I did over something stupid and hid in the park. I forget what happened but I was thinking of all of this hateful shit to happen to my parents.  I was thinking oh they will be sorry, oh just you wait. Four hours later I was broke and hungry and went back home. But I was still pissed off. That was survivor for me.

I was never big on reality shows. I think I watched the Bachelor because the bitches are hot, slutty and mean.  I liked the Osbornes because I love Ozzy and I always wondered what a rock star like him would do when he’s not rocking. I could never really understand him but he can still rock! And since I love midgets, I liked Little People, Big World. But Survivor is the ultimate reality show.

I loved watching the first few Survivors because it was new and exciting. The second and third one had some really hot chicks in their bikinis. But I stopped watching it after the third season because it got a bit repetitive. By then they kept switching teammates because of the first season when the four made a pact to stay together. And the competitions were getting old. “Whoever eats the cow shit the first wins a tooth brush!”

So I was looking at VHS movies at the store and found Survivor Season One; the greatest and most outrageous moments. I just hoped it wouldn’t have more footage off Richard, the gay guy, butt naked. In the first few days Richard asks another guy if he had any homosexual tendencies. He said no. I’m sure he had. But I think he hooked up with the hotty.

The winner makes a million dollars. I think that brings the worst out of people. Sure there is comradely but everyone is thinking about the money and will do anything. Hell I would do it for ten thousand dollars. They made a law that you can’t share the winnings.

Survivor is usually on some tropical island, wilderness or outback. For the most part, it’s somewhere nice and hot and the chicks are nice and hot. I don’t know if there are any dangerous wildlife or predators. What happens if a poisonous snake is going to attack someone, does the wildlife expert intervene to catch it?

I think they should try somewhere cold like northern Canada. Imagine how cool the competitions would be in snow or ice. They would have to make igloos and need to catch fish. That would really be survivor.

The first one was on an island in the Southern China seas. There are two tribes that compete each other for prizes and immunity. I think they were the Cribs and Bloods in the first season. There are different competitions like physical challenges, problem and solving challenges and tasks of will power. Will power ones are standing on a log the longest or listening to Barbra Streisand the longest.

Each player could bring one item along. You might want to bring a bucket, or a knife or a lighter, something useful. But no, idiot brings a razor to shave his beard and chest. I understand the women need to shave their legs and you want to look good on television. But a razor? While you’re at it, why not bring some deodorant or a hair dryer.

If you were wondering where the guys take a shit, they dug a hole and made a wooden toilet seat. Girls on the other hand poo flowers. It would be a tad embarrassing. Imagine you got sick from all of the food and got the runs. “Dammit, I need more leaves!” I think the production crew had their own bathroom and soap.

Each three days the loser tribe have to vote some loser off. This is both awkward and hilarious. Some people say nice things, some say not nice things. I love the host Jeff especially when he says “the tribe has spoken” and extinguish their torch. Afterwards the loser talks about how mean the others were or that there was a conspiracy.

I don’t know where the losers go after they are voted off but I’m sure it’s nice. I mean how bad would it be for the forth place person to make it all the way until the end and not win anything. I rather be the first person out, like the old people.

As everyone knows old people are useless. The first was this nice sixty something lady that brought her guitar. She was a cancer survivor but not a survivor survivor. She fucked up and costs their tribe the immunity challenge.

Hey this is survivor and not the Golden Girls. Then the other old guy was the second voted off. I think there should be Senior Survivor; that would be funny. And I always wondered why they never had any fat players? “Dammit he’s eating all of the fucking rice!”

There really is a lot of strategy involved. You want to be nice to everyone and not seen as a threat. You want to go with the flow and not stand out. You want to be helpful and an asset to the tribe. You want to be good at competitions, but not too good.

That’s why the girl in season two won. She didn’t deserve to win. In fact if I remember the leader have to vote one of the other two remaining opponents off. Had he voted the girl off he would have won because nobody liked the douche. But he gave up a million dollars for being nice.

I love all of the drama. There are always cameramen taping everything. Some clips of players were fun and light hearted. And some were just treacherous and deceitful. I know I would be manipulative for a reward of a million dollars. “Damn you Greg we had a deal! I will kill you!” And you can’t raid the other tribe or fight each other.

The third player to get voted off was the token black chick. However, she was violently ill so it was no contest to vote her off. But one chick was so, so racists. She actually said something like “now she can go home and eat KFC and all of that.”

Idiot doctor voted by alphabet. I guess he couldn’t manage to make a decision on his own. Therefore the players know who he is going to vote off next. If I had to vote I would be like haha the tribe has spoken. You lose.

The marine was hilarious. He teamed up with the “queer” Richmond even though he didn’t like queers or black people. That’s right he let that bomb slip, but hey he’s old, I think he was like 71 years young but tough as nails.

Then there was gross bitch truck driver. She was very annoying and she just bugged me. She looked so mugly, especially without her makeup. She was flat but had these pointy nipples. Ewww. She was a huge hypocrite. At the final tribal she went into this rant against both Richard and the hot chick for like ten minutes. She was calling them rats, snakes and shit. The alliance was over and somebody had to go you stupid bitch.

Richard wins the first survivor and wins a million dollars even though he was probably the wealthiest player. I think he immediately went to Sans Francisco and bought a shitload of dildos. Too bad the show is in the States and Richard had to pay almost half of it to the government for taxes. But he didn’t and he got charged with fraud or something and went to jail. I don’t know if he enjoyed being in jail or not?

Concerts

Bayfest

I have been to a number of concerts but Bayfest takes the cheese. If you don’t already know, my awesome city Sarnia holds a huge concert every mid July.  It normally spans two weekends. One weekend for rock, and one weekend for country.

I never realized how many people like country. I never liked country or jazz expect for the odd song such as the Lady Antebellum song I Need You Now. Country just bothers me and I thought only red necks listened to it. And I find Jazz just random noises.

But I love my rock. There were a number of huge bands coming to Bayfest. Like I can’t believe Kiss was playing in my hometown Sarnia. Some of my favorites were the Hip, Weezer, Rush, Our Lady of Peace, Areosmith and Stone Temple Pilots. This year Offspring, Iron Maiden and Alice Cooper are headlining along with some other popular bands. If I could see any bands live, that would have to be ACDC, Pearl Jam or Rage Against Machine.

Here are some personal stories of mine about Bayfest. Matthew Goodband is one of my all time favorite bands. They are Canadian and if you never heard them than go out and buy Underdogs or download some of their hits.

However I never had the chance to go see them because I’m an idiot. The sang nice guys finish last is my life. My boss wanted me to work in hardware that day because douche said he was sick. I said yes and immediately regretted my decision. My ticket was worth more than what I would earn. So I thought fuck it, I’m going to have a couple of beers because I knew nobody would be in the store during Bayfest. I was wrong, there were like five people.

It rained during Motley Crue but that didn’t stop them. It was lightning and nobody would cancel the concert. Every time lighting struck the whole audience would cheer. And I saw Counting Crows and wow was I disappointed. The lead singer was drunk and was rambling on about nonsense and not actually singing any of their hits. I rather they lip sing or something. Good thing I was drunk too.

The problem about drinking is that it’s like five bucks for a small cup. You wait in line for an hour and when you do get your drinks you spill most of it trying to get out of the damn tent. So beer was five dollars but you can get five beers for $25. Wow what a deal. And how exactly will you carry five beers anyway. One year this fat drunk chick gave us like ten tickets for like five bucks. I guess she was already drunk and wanted a hotdog.

So whenever I go to a concert I drink beforehand and end up getting stoned at the concert. I mean I rather be high and fully appreciate the music instead of being drunk and miss it. Here’s how to sneak in a joint. Wear a baseball hat and hide one or two joints in the inside rim. They won’t check your hat but bring cigarettes and a lighter just in case. Once inside go into the middle of the crowd and smoke away. They won’t do anything about it.

But I kept getting old people asking me to sell them some weed because I reeked of it. Hey I’m not a petty drug dealer. So this lady told me she wasn’t a cop and I thought fine I will give you a joint for fifteen bucks. A fair deal I might say.

Every year I get lost. I don’t like being in large crowds where you people bump into constantly trying to get through. So I’m like, hmm my friends should be across the hot dog vendor and parallel to the tree. My friends being assholes will see me and laugh.

Me and Stics share this type of humor. Nobody fully appreciates this story I will tell expect for us. Normally I fuck up stories big time, but with the computer I can edit it. Even though I still will probably fuck it up. So this was years ago when Stics smoked weed with me every once in a while. He doesn’t really smoke weed anymore because we are adults and not in college.

But at Bayfest we decided to get really baked. Back then you could leave and reenter as long as you have a stamp. So we decide to leave and smoke another joint. Then I’m looking for my ticket and checking all of my pockets. I panic and I’m like fuck what am I going to do? Stics sees a ticket stub and says try this. We get there and Stics gets in and I try to rush through right after him. And here is one of the classic lines ever, “wait one second” and then he checks my stamp and lets me in. We were laughing like crazy but even as you read this you probably don’t appreciate it.

What an awesome time. But there was more. We were driving down the road where people were walking home or wherever and I dared myself to pick up one of the hitchhikers. I was like should I pick her up? And Stics was like no don’t. And I’m like I going to do it. So I stop at this one fat drunk bitch and we get talking. She thanked us for the ride and said she lived on the reserve. So we drive halfway there and I let her out in the middle of fucking nowhere. We laughed like crazy and I always wondered what happened to her.

Teachers

I think teachers have it good. Unless they don’t have jobs, like my cousin. And with stupid French immersion it is going to be even harder to find a job. You have summer and Christmas off and can just teach the same subject every year. And it sounds fun. Here are some of my rememberable teachers I had.

Everyone loved my grade five teacher Mr. Doyle. He taught in the morning and we had another teacher for the afternoon. He was a huge mathematician and would let us play Lego when we finished our work. Back then I was a math wiz and would be the first to play Lego. Now I can barely count change.

I thought our afternoon teacher was nice and smart. However everyone, except me, signed a patrician to fire her or something. Doyle lost it on us and I don’t know what ever happened to her. Being the only one who didn’t sign it, I should have told her I liked her and that she was a good teacher.

My favorite teacher has to be Mrs. Cantalini. She was my grade 7 teacher and also our drama club director. I guess I was one of the class clowns and goofy. So I played the part King Kenny Cool in a play, which is pretty close to KKK. Mrs. Cantalini was very nice and I think I got the best grades that year. She liked my book report on the Hobbit so much I did the same book report in Grade 9 and 10.

In grade 8 I finally had the infamous teacher Mrs. Delorme. I sat right in front of her podium and would get her spit on me all day. She had one big eye and was not good looking at all. Dale was her husband, who she would talk about, and she even said how great sex is. Ewww. And she had a 4.0 grade average.

I was elected class president and I pretty much attacked Stics’ character, who I was running against. We all knew she wanted Stics to win. And Machado ran too for whatever reason. I think he got one and a half votes. So I see her years later and she doesn’t recognize me. Or she just didn’t want to talk to me. Oh but she remembered Stics. She thought of grand things to happen for Stics and was disappointed when she found out where he works.

I love how teachers have totally different explanations on material, especially religion. For example Mrs. Delorme pretty much said that miracles can have an explanation. But they wouldn’t be miracles now would they. And every teacher supports a student’s dreams or aspirations even though they will most likely never succeed.

I had Mr. Sutherland twice. He was my grade six teacher and then was my high school teacher. My brother also hated him. What a fag. He had cube ball head and just plain weird. He would give creepy neck massages. And in grade six he made us do this whole project on dogs. Yes dogs. Ask any of my Hogan friends. If was fucking crazy and I don’t think it was part of the curriculum. I mean we should be learning math and science and not frigging dogs.

In high school there was Mr. Kheir who was even crazier. He was so old and I don’t think the faculty had the heart to let him go. I heard he put vodka in his coffee mug and would confiscate things. Funny story, my friend got like perfect in a geography test and Kheir thought he cheated because he got such a high mark. So he had to write it again in the library where if he cheated once he could cheat again.

There was a slew of ugly, ugly staff. Lunch ladies are always scary. My dad used to go out with one of the less ugly lunch ladies. Thank God they broke up. Our principal was Mrs. Goldar and she was fat and ugly. I heard she was married to a janitor. I had this healthy teacher for law. She would lactate like crazy, which was really gross. One of my female math teachers looked like a man. And I had a ogre of a teacher Mrs. Craig, but I really liked her.

My religion teacher Gouvereia had an affair with my business teacher Cicchelli’s wife. That’s hilarious; it’s like something from a soap opera. How can a religion teacher cheat on his girlfriend with another teacher’s wife? I guess it was because Gouvereia was just way, way better looking. It’s funny, Cicchelli is now on my hockey team and I guess things are going good.

I finally had Stics dad, Al for math. I think I slept all class with my head in my arms. I find it easier to just read the text book instead of taking notes and listening to lectures. The thing I like about math is that you are either right or wrong. I’m usually wrong. If he could teach fishing he would be the man.

Mr. Toulouse was my gym teacher and a complete idiot. I guess he was too stupid to teach any real subjects where you have to think. But it would be a fun to be paid to play sports all day. He would play badminton with Hane while everyone watched.  He had it against me for some unknown reason. He would be giving a lecture and then accuse me of talking, several times, and I never even said a word. Ask my friends. We used to see him all the time at the bar trying to pick up chicks just way too young for him.

Mr. Man was awesome. I knew him long before when I was young and he lived around the corner. And he was one of the judges for my science fair project. I mean my dad’s science fair project. He loved teaching and would joke with the students. I had him for religion, science and marketing. He would give me awesome marks just because he knew me. However he made the comment that one girl only shuts up when she has a dick in her mouth. Hahahahaha. He was fired and is now some useless computer guy. He has a beast of a wife, who was an English teacher. I think she resigned out of loyalty. Dick in her mouth, what an idiot.

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Canada Day

It’s Canada Day Baby! I’m lazy so here is a blog I wrote last year about Canada Day.

Everyone knows that Canada is the greatest nation in the world. I mean who doesn’t like Canada. Our flag kicks ass, the red maple leaf is a cool symbol. We got the name Canada from a Native who meant that his village is named Canada. July 1^st is what we call Canada day.

Natives have been living in Canada for forever until the white man came. So I think it’s a little racist that we say Canada was founded in um1867? So 2011 minus 1867 is um. Let me see my calculator, oh Canada is 144 years old. I think. I wore my colors and a stupid hat like most others do. Then you get some dude wearing a blue t-shirt. Hey America Day is on the Forth of July traitor.

The parade was good but Lisa was right when she told me that there were just a lot of floats with people waving or just random people walking around with these almost advertisements. Like these kids will be holding a banner for the Burger King kids club and try our Angry Cheeseburger. And happy Canada Day!

I do love the shriners and their little cars. I wish I had one. Too bad we need replacement drivers soon because those old dudes won’t be riding their mini cars forever. What’s this? Henry kicked the bucket? I wonder if they drive their mini cars down to the cemetery with a mini hearse.

A lot of the floats throw candy at you. I don’t know how safe it is for kids to jump into the middle of the road while these floats and these shrinners coming by. I saw this kid getting all of the candies for himself and left none for this little girl. Part of my twisted humor is that I think it is funny when kids cry over nothing.

There was the gymnasts. These little girls looked stronger than me and could pull off all these crazy acrobatic maneuvers. I can barely do a cart wheel.

There are always the fire trucks that spray water at you when they should be ready to fight fires. I used to love throwing water balloons back at them. And make them small enough not to explode but slap them on their face.

I love bag pipes. Most people find them annoying but not me. My brother actually has my great grandfather playing the pipes tattooed on his arm. I wish I could do the whole drum roll thing.

For what ever reason there was a guy dressed up as Boba Fett. He made his own costume and it looked fucking awesome. But I have no idea what Star Wars had to do with Canada. If I had a Boba Fett costume I’d be wearing it all the time.

Anyway I going to the fireworks tonight and am going to get really stoned. My favorite are the loud ones and I love to pretend to be in Vietnam. It’s like Apocalypse Now when they are at the bridge and everything is all crazy.

I don’t know how they work? I’m sure it’s all done on computers now. But I always wonder if something will screw up and the trees are caught on fire or the dude blows off his arm. I going to actually bring a towel or chair this time and not lie on the ground And if I drive I’m planning to park way the fuck down the road so I don’t spend $20 on gas idling for a half hour.

A good thing I bought beer yesterday because they are closed today. I realize it’s a holiday but every year people forget that and have to go across the border or steal dad’s liquor. I just wish I could get as excited that it’s Canada as everyone else. Maybe I should get really wasted and be like hey people it’s Canada Day! Booya!