Sunday 1 July 2012

Canada Day

It’s Canada Day Baby! I’m lazy so here is a blog I wrote last year about Canada Day.


Everyone knows that Canada is the greatest nation in the world. I mean who doesn’t like Canada. Our flag kicks ass, the red maple leaf is a cool symbol. We got the name Canada from a Native who meant that his village is named Canada. July 1st is what we call Canada day.

Natives have been living in Canada for forever until the white man came. So I think it’s a little racist that we say Canada was founded in um1867? So 2011 minus 1867 is um. Let me see my calculator, oh Canada is 144 years old. I think. I wore my colors and a stupid hat like most others do. Then you get some dude wearing a blue t-shirt. Hey America Day is on the Forth of July traitor.

The parade was good but Lisa was right when she told me that there were just a lot of floats with people waving or just random people walking around with these almost advertisements. Like these kids will be holding a banner for the Burger King kids club and try our Angry Cheeseburger. And happy Canada Day!

I do love the shriners and their little cars. I wish I had one. Too bad we need replacement drivers soon because those old dudes won’t be riding their mini cars forever. What’s this? Henry kicked the bucket? I wonder if they drive their mini cars down to the cemetery with a mini hearse.

A lot of the floats throw candy at you. I don’t know how safe it is for kids to jump into the middle of the road while these floats and these shrinners coming by. I saw this kid getting all of the candies for himself and left none for this little girl. Part of my twisted humor is that I think it is funny when kids cry over nothing.

There was the gymnasts. These little girls looked stronger than me and could pull off all these crazy acrobatic maneuvers. I can barely do a cart wheel.

There are always the fire trucks that spray water at you when they should be ready to fight fires. I used to love throwing water balloons back at them. And make them small enough not to explode but slap them on their face.

I love bag pipes. Most people find them annoying but not me. My brother actually has my great grandfather playing the pipes tattooed on his arm. I wish I could do the whole drum roll thing.

For what ever reason there was a guy dressed up as Boba Fett. He made his own costume and it looked fucking awesome. But I have no idea what Star Wars had to do with Canada. If I had a Boba Fett costume I’d be wearing it all the time.

Anyway I going to the fireworks tonight and am going to get really stoned. My favorite are the loud ones and I love to pretend to be in Vietnam. It’s like Apocalypse Now when they are at the bridge and everything is all crazy.

I don’t know how they work? I’m sure it’s all done on computers now. But I always wonder if something will screw up and the trees are caught on fire or the dude blows off his arm. I going to actually bring a towel or chair this time and not lie on the ground And if I drive I’m planning to park way the fuck down the road so I don’t spend $20 on gas idling for a half hour.

A good thing I bought beer yesterday because they are closed today. I realize it’s a holiday but every year people forget that and have to go across the border or steal dad’s liquor. I just wish I could get as excited that it’s Canada as everyone else. Maybe I should get really wasted and be like hey people it’s Canada Day! Booya!

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