Looney Toons

Fan Picks: Looney Tunes

Looney Toons was groundbreaking. Back in the day the word looney toons would be like the phrase fucking crazy toons for today. The only other classic cartoons I liked were Mickey Mouse and the gang. The others were so stupid and not funny at all. I could watch them stoned and not crack a smile. I mean I laugh at purple fire hydrants when I’m stoned. Ha it’s purple.

Drugs Bunny is the main character. “Whatz up brotha?” He is so cocky even in the face of death. He has his bitch Honey Bunny and you know bunnies fuck all of the time. I love when he burrows underground and leaves that trail.

Two of his mortal enemies are Sam the Tennessee redneck and the wetard Elmer Fudd. Bugs is a complete cross dresser. Let’s say he disguise himself as a hot chick for Sam. I hope he gets the rabbit to his place to make sweet love. Then he finds out Bugs has a wig and a penis. That’s bad for both of them.

Then there is Elmer Fudd who looks just like Porky Pig wearing camouflage. It would be cool if he was after Honey Bunny “Wun, wun bitch.” And blows her head away. And you should hear him laugh when he’s stoned. “Huh hu hu this is some good weed.”

Beep beep. The lovable Road Runner and Wiley Coyote are my favorite characters. As you know Wiley is always trying to trap the Runner with his Acne inventions but fucks up each time. I always wonder why the bird is in such a rush and where he is going all of the time.

Why does he buy his inventions from Acne? They never work. “Look I want to return this bear trap. It didn’t go off when that damn bird took the bait. But as soon as I step on it, took my fucking foot off. Now I need an Acne prosthetic leg. Assholes.” 

How about getting a microwave and some microwave chicken. I mean everyone knows that road runner tastes just like chicken. Or a sniper rifle. Or even better a fucking nuke that would kill any road runner within a ten km radius.

Where is this place? The Grand Canyon? I didn’t realize these birds used roads. I mean you would think the Road Runner get smoked by a car by now. “On the news a mother with her three children have hit the Road Runner. They children are instantly killed and the mother is in critical condition. The Road Runner is paralyzed from the neck down and will never run roads again.

The police put up road runner crossing signs, but they keep getting stolen by teenagers. Meanwhile with the Runner half dead, Wiley Coyote doesn’t know what to do now. He tried to suffocate the Runner in the hospital with an Acne pillow but fell out the window into a gorge. He’s writing his memoirs.”

I don’t even think the coyote has life insurance. “Sorry Wiley, you fall off the cliff every damn week, more than once.” His medical bills must have racked up to millions of dollars. He should just move to Canada where we have free medicare and slow as shit Canadian geese to eat.

I hate Tweedy Bird and that kangaroo. I always wished Sylvester would finally eat her. He would just swallow her whole and let his stomach acid eat her away. Maybe if Granny wasn’t so senile she’d actually feed the cat and he wouldn’t have to starve or plot his next stupid scheme.

“I thought I saw a poison dart? I did see a poison dart.” And give him some catnip, he’s strung out. Then there is the guard dog who tries to kill him. But nothing is wrong with that. Sylvester the genius always thinks that kangaroo is a fucking mouse. And whatever his name is, it kicks the shit out him and all Sylvester sees are tweedy birds. And then he tries to eat them.

Porky is the incoherent pig. I never liked him. Imagine how hard it would be for a waiter to take his order. I..I.. wanntt want;. the ss.soup. He could be the smartest pig but could never play jeopardy. Get speech lessons. He’s worst than an autistic dyslexic baby. To to to today junior.

Pepe is the French skunk stalker. He’s French because he doesn’t shower and stinks. He always tries to rape the poor cat. I heard she got restraining orders against him. I don’t know why he can’t tell the difference between a fellow skunk and a black cat with a white stripe. Maybe try using Axe deodorant and buy her catnip.

Daffy duck is the duck that looks like a priest. He’s got this horrible lisp. “Suffering fucking succotash!” Funny, Donald Duck is a fellow duck with similar speech impairment. Coincidence? He can’t even order pizza.

Taz is the Tasmanian devil. He’s all fucked up on coke. He turns into tornados and destroys virtually anything in his path. Good thing Taz the Spaz doesn’t live in Kansas; that would piss a lot of people off. “Tornadoes? That’s not funny.” And he eats like a champ. He can eat more than Elephant with the munchies.  

Speeding Gonzales is the Mexican mouse. “Arriba, Arriba.” They actually eliminated Gonzales cartoons because it was so racists. Thanks for ruining it captain buzzkill this isn’t Politically Correct Toons. I think Speedy should have a race with the Road Runner.

I loved Ralph Wolf and Sam Sheepdog. Ralph is almost identical to Wiley Coyote but is after sheep instead of roadrunners. It’s funny because the Ralph and Sam live together and both punch in the same clock for their respective jobs. So Ralph tries to steal a sheep and Sam just beats the living shit out him. Hey Ralph, try finding another job or ask for a raise. Or wait until Sam has his paid two week vacation.

That tha tha that’s all fuckers.