The Karate Kid

Made in China

Do you ever notice that every electronic is made in China or Japan? I’ll be damned if my Bopit is made anywhere else. I mean I would never buy a M3P playa if it was made in Mexico. Even my Canada Day hat and flag are made in China. My mom on the other hand wants to support our country and buy Canadian only. I don’t even know what we make or export in Canada. Maybe lumber, hockey equipment or syrup.

The problem with China is that there are too many damn people. However soon there will be a ton of retirees and nobody to support them. And many guys might turn gay because there is a lack of girls to go around. I don’t understand what’s the big deal if you have a daughter and your name won’t live on. Besides I’m sure there are thousands of other citizens with the same name.

Now I don’t want to be racists or anything but I find it hard to tell Chinese people apart. I can tell black people apart but Asian people all look the same to me. Obviously black people or Chinese people can tell each other apart. My question is do white people look all the same to non white people.

Back at college there were two cute Chinese girls on my floor. By the third week I was flirting with one (I forgot her name but I forget everyone’s names). We hung out and watched some movies together and had these inside jokes. Well I come across another girl thinking it was her and said some stuff that only the one girl would know and this girl had no clue what I was talking about. Whoops. Afterwards I realize how different they looked like.

I don’t know much about China but I do know they had a five thousand year old dynasty and empire. Doesn’t the emperor kick ass. It’s way better than some lame ass king. I believe they are now communist and have a kickass army. First I don’t think communism is that evil but it just doesn’t work. And do you see their soldiers march in unison. I’ll bet if a guy trips he will be shot.

The Great Wall is the only manmade building seen from outer space. It kept out Mongols  until the intruders had guns and explosives to destroy sections of the wall, rendering the wall useless as protection. It would be cool to ride a go-cart along the wall. I hope they have ash trays because apparently they are big smokers over there.

I would love to write and talk in Chinese but I’m way too old and lazy to learn. Their written language is like an art. I don’t know if they have letters or keyboards or what. Imagine being a busy doctor, they would have the sloppiest of signatures. One diagonal cross could have a completely different meaning.

I have even heard that some tattoo artists create tattoos with really fucked up or shitty translations. I know a lot of Chinese people hang out together and talk in Madrid or whatever. Which is fine because I know the first thing I’d do if I was in China is meet up with some Americans and other white people.

There are two variety stores down my street. They are both operated by Chinese people. Nothing wrong with that. At Lakeshore the clerks are totally cool and nice. I used to go to the other store Daisy Mart my entire life until the total dick bought it. At first he was super friendly and would even bow to customers. I think he was just happy to live in Canada.

Well he got used to the Canadian lifestyle and would get pissed off because I would be coming in stoned, flipping through magazines and buying candy. And he even started counting them even though I said I count by tens and I don’t really give shit about a few nickels.

So one time I rented three movies for a buck a piece. I returned them at 7:00pm and was an hour late. I would have got there sooner but there was a fucking snow storm. But douche bag charged me late fees. Not only that, he charged me double, so it was two dollars per movie. I told him off but I paid because he has the best selection. But I don’t even say hello or thank you anymore. I just hand him the money and take my items without a word. But sometimes this hot chick works there. Too bad she has the worst taste in movies; like any Jack Black movie.

Ever since I was little I wanted to be a black belt karate master. However I now have a sky blue belt because that’s my favorite color. I hear you use martial arts for self defense. Screw that I would love to be able to kick some serious butt. I would love to learn the death touch! Yes the death touch.

Do you remember the Karate Kid? Karate Kid is an 80s classic. It stars some Italian kid, Daniel, who lost his father and moved to L.A. with his mother. He was tired of getting bullied and soon learned karate from a sensei Mr. Miyagi. Miyagi lost his wife and child in childbirth and soon he became a father figure.

But Miyagi didn’t really teach him anything. I think he just wanted Daniel to do some yard work for free. I mean Daniel would be washing Miyagi’s Honda and telling him to stroke in circles or whatever. “Daniel son, wax on, wax off.” I’m sure he did housework too. “Daniel son, clean my toilet, scrub on, scrub off.”  The only thing he really taught Daniel was that stupid and awkward kick of his. It would never fly in a real fight. He’s off balance and anyone could just charge and tackle him to the ground. Like any 80s movie, he gets the hot babe at the end only to lose her in the next Karate Kid. The Karate Kid Two.