Happy Birthday Jesus!

As you all know we celebrate Jebus’s birthday that just so happens to coincide on Christmas. He was born some time around B.C. almost 2000 years ago. The story goes that there is a census in going on in Israel and Mary and Joseph must travel to Bethlehem. There are now signs in Bethlehem saying “Birthplace of Your Savior.”

So Mary is a virgin and has never been touched by a man. Umm what exactly does that mean? Is a kiss or a back rub touching? Or does it have to be at least third base? So she got knocked up by God. And God is pretty much a deadbeat dad. I mean does he ever visit or phone his son, play catch and buy him nice robes and Nike flip flops?

Hell no. And she’s supposed to be a virgin afterwards. Hmm but God is in a form of a man and had sex with her. You’re not a virgin anymore. What else to you expect? Did God jerk off in a cup or did he have a sperm laser gun to impregnate her?

My question is when did, if they did, Mary and Joseph get married? Because Mary was still a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus. If they were married wouldn’t Joseph make sweet love to her on their honeymoon?

Anyway I hope Joseph took tall of this well. “Hey Joe, I heard Mary is pregnant. Is it yours or is Mary just a huge slut?” “No it’s God’s only son.” “Right. And are you getting any action at all?” “No, she thinks having God’s only son is enough. And the church is against birth control or condoms. She did give me head one time though.”

Mary and Joe were too poor to afford a Holiday Inn room or any other affordable but quality motels because of course it’s Christmas. Well Joseph you know it’s the holiday season and how else will you get a room if you haven’t booked one..

I mean they must have known that Mary is due any moment. So they ended up giving birth to Jesus in a barn. I believe they used a baby name hand book and landed with Jesus Christ. They were also thinking of Ted. I have heard the baby Jesus was so cute. “Mary he has your eyes.” “And he has the good Lord’s smile.”  

So some angel appears to some shepherds and tells them to rejoice for the baby Jesus and to show up to the this awesome barn party. They were told that there is cake and punch. The three wise men also see some angel and are told to show up at the same kickass party. But how did they wise men find them? They didn’t use a map or GPS. No they used the stars. Looking for Jesus would literally be looking for a nail in a hay stack.

I’m glad they found Jesus and not some other baby in a barn. That could really fuck up our salvation. So the three wise men brought gold, mere and Frankenstein. It was suppose to be four wise men but one got lost and couldn’t find any gift suitable for God’s only son in the mall.

He put a spinning top on layaway but changed his mind after he hears Joseph already built one out of wood. In retrospect he could have just got Jesus a gift certificate at Old Navy. You’re always going to buy stuff at Old Navy. They have something for everyone. Amazing technicolor dream coats are buy one get one half price.

I wonder what Mary and Joe did with these gifts. I think Joe pawned the gold at the pawn shop for a wood chipper and saw because after all he’s a carpenter. I mean what would a baby do with gold or whatever is mere anyway? Did they go to the Bank of Bethlehem and setup a young savings account? Because I think all the baby Jesus would rather want is a pacifier and camel stuffed animal. So remember Jesus is the reason for the season.