I Have Issues 5251 Anniversary

Booya! I hit my 5000 pageviews mark baby! And after more than two years I have written almost 300 blogs. As part of the celebration I will finally reveal if I actually do like the Golden Girls.

It all began almost a decade ago when I was in college. All of my friends had blog pages. So I wrote my own blog “re-tarded.blogspot.ca” and my movie blog page “retardreveiw.ca” Why? Because I’m slightly retarded. I was reading it over again and I’m thinking what the Hell was I writing?

Eventually my friends stop blogging and I just gave up. It’s still there on the web for some reason and I don’t know why or where they would store it. You’d think whoever would delete it or something after a decade. I made a lot of blogs about religion because it’s so easy to make fun of. And there are some decent ones that I edited and posted on I Have Issues. You can always read my old blogs and check the archive for a few laughs.

My grammar is horrible. You have no idea how dependant I am on my spell check. Sometimes my grammar is so off that spell check has no idea what word I want or does googling. Then I ask my mom. “Mom how do you spell gratuitous?” “Look it up in the dictionary.” “How do I look it up if I don’t know the word?” I also started to add quotation marks so you know who’s talking to who.

Years later I finally got facebook and had about 150 friends. Well I got lonely and needed an outlet. I started with these short posts but people don’t like to know how my day went, how drunk I got or how cool it would be to have a freeze ray gun as an arm.

I started to write more posts and longer posts. I had so much to say but there was a limit of about 450 characters that I can use. So I decide to use two comment boxes to fit it all in. Then I went from three, four and eventually seven comment boxes to fit a topic. As a result I lost like a hundred friends. I mean people are on the phone checking facebook and they have to scroll down several paragraphs about me playing World of Warcraft, finding this awesome axe and talking about how annoying these noobs are.

Only the best of friends, or people who never use facebook, didn’t delete me. I still wrote facebook comments about stupid things that sounded funny at the time and lost some more friends. For example I said I was so excited about my new top of the line $1500 desktop computer that I’m getting for Christmas with a 27 inch monitor and some games. But people were not as excited as I was. Well I promise not to do that anymore unless I see something incredible like meeting the Macho Man at KFC.

So my friend Stics recommended getting a new blog page and boom the birth of “I Have Issues.” Finally I have the opportunity to say what I want and how much I want because it’s my blogpage bitch. The first 50 pages were easy to write. But when you have over 200 blogs it gets hard to think of new things to write about.

Stics also recommended adding links to facebook. I did and a couple of good friends from Canada started reading it and that was the only advertising I used. However for whatever reason, maybe my quality of posts, I have hardly any viewers from Canada lately. Come on you guys.

Now my biggest audience is from the States with over 2525 page views. I also have a fan base from Russia, United Kingdom, France and Germany. Even from countries I don’t know such as Bahrain. I have no clue how so many people around the world have found my site.

I think my blog page’s popularity comes from word of mouth. For example there were huge spikes of activity from Russia. I’m thinking it happened in a college dorm, office or somewhere, where people are like “you have to see this site.”  I would expect much more viewers if Norton approved my site and say that it is safe. Don’t worry I can’t even begin to know how to spread viruses?

My site also doesn’t have any ads or dirty pictures. So don’t expect any. Way back I was making fun of gay people; but not in a mean way. I called my blog Medieval Ass Rammers and got a ton of homos searching for it when I looked up my stats.

Then I wrote a really fucking stupid blog about centaurs. It’s creepy that homos searched for gay centaur expecting Photoshop pics and got my page. I deleted that post.

One problem with my page is that I write something funny as the title and not necessarily what I am writing about. For example I wrote a blog about laziness and for some reason I called it I Love Grass because I like to cut the grass. I also wrote a blog about Loony Toons I called Fucking Crazy Toons. There are several more like this.

Two of my better blogs are about the comic book hero squads the X-Men and the Fantastic Four.  I thought it would be funny if I called the title the XXX-Men and Fantastic Foursome. But it sounds kind of gay and people don’t know what to expect. 

There is the Octum’s razor blog. Octum’s razor means the simplest explanation is usually the right one. I spelled it wrong; it was supposed to be Occam’s razor or Ockham’s razor. But other people also spelled it wrong too and if you search Octum’s razor my site comes up.

I have a comment box. But for some reason only so many people seem to be able to use it. My friend Lisa makes the most comments. Thanks Lisa. I would like to hear from other people. So if you have something to say about my blog don’t be shy. If you want me to make fun of a movie or something than leave a comment and I will give it a shot. Don’t worry; I have made fun of a lot of stupid topics like the Charmin commercials called Bears Taking a Shit, Captain Planet or nursery rhymes.

I’m a pothead and I like to talk about getting wasted all of the time. But I won’t let my parents to read this. My mom is hardcore anti drug because it’s bad for you, and more importantly illegal. I don’t like feeling like a criminal because I like to get high. If my dad finds I still smoke than there goes my allowance because he would think I’m spending it on drugs. However I did let my favourite aunt read it. She liked the Eleventh Commandments.

Aaron and Lisa are probably my biggest fans. Some of my fan favorites are “I like to Ride My Bike,” “Inspector Gadget” (under Inspector Retard), “Jurassic Park” “Bad Commercials” “Genesis”, “Nicholas Cage” and “Cow Boys and Native Americans.” Check them out.

My first real blog is called Get to Know Greg, where I list 26 things about me. Such as that I say sorry all of the time that it has lost all meaning. Or how much I love to eat Big Macs. And that I’m huge caffeine fiend. I have also written about my county Canada and my hometown Sarnia. I have recurring characters such as little Timmy, movies such as Snow Dogs and shows such as the Golden Girls.

Yeeah! 5000 pageviews kicks ass! I have become obsessed over how many people click on my page. While I’m jogging or biking I like to think of new ideas. I actually spend more time editing than writing the rough draft. After almost 280 blogs it has been become harder and harder to think of fresh topics. That’s why I need your help. But if I get my own domain webpage I think more people will visit. I’d call it “greger.com”

And no I don’t watch the Golden Girls. I liked it as kid but I didn’t know what sex was at the time. And now that I do I think its really gross that these old ladies having all of this sex. Especially Blanche Devereaux because she’s a dirty hoar.