My Original Blogpage

I was looking at my old blogpage “re-tarded.blogspot.com” that I made from 2003 to 2005.  Check it out. It brings back some fond memories. Some I don’t even remember writing. I edited some and posted them on I Have Issues. Also check out my movie blogpage “retardreview.blogspot.com” It has 11909 hits on the web counter. Which is crazy.

Movies About Retarded People

Movies About Special People

Movies about retards can be uneasy or retardely funny depending on your sense of taste and humor. To me, being pure evil, I think retards are a hilarious joke by God. However no matter how good an actor is, they can never deliver as a retarded performance then an actor with Down syndrome. And that’s why I think corky is pissed off that non retards are playing retards in movies.

If you want me to be politically correct, replace all mean words like retard to special person. But it pretty much means the same thing, I mean if you call someone special is the same as calling someone a homo instead of fag, they both hurt. But as we all know, all special people are simple people with big hearts. Anyway I reviewed three movies about special people in order of special to very special.

Part One: Forrest Gump

Life is like a box of chocolates. Except turtles; they are all pretty much the same. But you never know what you’re going to get. Unless there is a label inside the box that tells you what each chocolate is. I hope so because I hate getting ones with cherries or coconut.

I’m sure everyone has seen it, but fuck you; I’m going to review it anyway. Tom Hanks is Forrest Gump in the Academy Awards winner, uh, Forrest Gump. Forrest isn’t exactly a special person, just very, very slow, so yeah, I guess he basically is. I’ve taken I.Q. test and uh I failed.

I love this movie and it proves that even special people can accomplish a lot in their special lives. It starts off with Forrest on a bench telling random people his life story, and what a story. I was at a bus stop and the some angry man told me to fuck off and that he doesn’t give a shit if I worked at Little Caesars or beat Zelda 2: Link’s Adventure.

Forrest is born and raised in good old Alabama. Sweet Home Alabama. His mom turns to out to be a hoar as she has sex with the principal so Forrest can get a normal education. He meets the girl he loves Jenny on the bus. Jenny the slut faces her own demons from her abusive father to her own drug use.

Forrest has lived an interesting life. He played college football because he can run fast. I’m sure in the locker room the coach is showing them plays, he just tells Forrest to run and catch the ball.

Afterwards Forrest enlists in the army and is sent to Vietnam where he meets Bubba. Bubba is also special and asks Forrest to join him and catch shrimp after the war. Bubba loves shrimp and he has like a thousand recipes. The last ones were like “shrimp daiquiris, shrimpburgers, shrimp icecream and uh that’s it.

So out of nowhere Charlie ambushes them and Forrest ends up rescuing most of his injured comrades including Bubba. Spoiler; Bubba dies. He also saved Lt. Dan who later has his legs amputated. Forrest got shot in the buttock and that’s the best way to get injured unless it hurts every time you take a shit.

He learns to play pin pong and becomes a pro. I had my own ping pong table and ping pong kicks ass. So Forrest becomes a shrimp boat captain and Lt. Dan makes his promise and becomes Forrest’s first mate. After a hurricane that destroyed all other ships, they hit the shrimp jackpot. Forrest, L.T. Dan and Bubba’s family are now all rich and Forrest has stocks in Apple.

So he tells Jenny that he isn’t a smart man, duh, but he knows what loves is. She basically told him that he doesn’t know what love is. I want to know what love is. I know I love my Nintendo. So he fucks her without any protection and she just leaves without saying if he was any good.  So he decides to go running across the States and starts a following of other runners. Until he tells them that he’s tired and took a cab home.

So he finishes his life’s story to an old lady at the bus stop. He could have easily afforded a taxi, limousine or even a helicopter to Jenny’s place. The old lady tells him that Jen lives down the block. But it wouldn’t have made such a good movie if he never had anyone to tell it about it. But I won’t ruin the ending. Its great movie, with a great soundtrack, I give it a perfect 10!

Two More Fairy Tales

The Three Little Pigs

We all know the story of the three little pigs and the hungry wolf. They left their parents to seek out the American dream. I have nothing wrong with living with my parents. Fuck I am a loser. The wolf is starving and naturally likes pigs. And so I so do I. I love bacon and sausage, but not so much ham or even Canadian bacon. The pigs should have just built one nice home and give the wolf brownies.

The laziest pig built a house made of straw, which I think is pretty good considering a pig has hoofs and not hands. Well the wolf asks the pig to step outside so he can eat him. I think the pig told him to fuck off. And then the wolf huffed and puffed and blew the straw house down. Which is an amazing feat when you really think about it.

The pig being such a pussy runs over to his brother’s house that is made of wood. The brother told his straw making pussy brother to fuck off and not bring the wolf over to his place. So the wolf kindly asks them to come out or he will kill them. And then the wolf blows down the wooden house. Who is this wolf?  Hurricane Katrina? Seriously that is an impressive feat to blow down a wooden home.

Then the two pigs run over to their brother’s home. I’m pretty sure wolves are faster than pigs and he could have easily caught them while they were running away. The last pig built a sturdy house of bricks and a hot tub. How exactly did make it I wonder? I mean did he get a contractor or did he do it all alone? And there is no such thing as brick doors or windows. The wolf could have easily just blow the door down like he blew the wooden home down or just smash the windows.

Then the clever wolf somehow gets a ladder so he can get on the roof and enter through the chimney. And the pigs start a fire in the fire place and the wolf burns to death.

The End.

Jack and the Beanstalk

Jack lives in his mother’s basement. Haha, loser! His dad died of a colonoscopy or something. They are so poor and their cow stopped giving milk so that Jack had to sell it at the market for bread. Haha poor people. Well genius traded it for beans. Yes beans. Um that couldn’t even be a mouthful. I’ve seen starving Africans have more to eat.

But these are magical beans. I got burned by this before when I traded my television for some magical Skittles. But seriously I have been screwed before when I bought a PSP at a flea market and thought it was a good deal.  He claimed his daughter only played for it a couple of hours. I should have known better when he told me that he lost the recharger and the battery was out of power. So I already spent $25 for the broken PSP and another $15 for the recharger. I didn’t work. And I just gave up because I have a million DS games anyway.

Jack comes home with the beans and his mother calls him a complete retard and sent him off to bed without supper, even though they didn’t have anything to eat in the first place.

My mom would have used the Spoon. It was a wooden spoon that she would slap me and my brother on the ass with if we were naughty. I rather have the Spoon than have my mom take the Nintendo from me. Haha the Spoon!

Then the mother tosses the beans out the window. The next day Jack is excited to find a giant bean stalk next to his room. So he climbs it up to the sky. Hmm. So he decides to climb it without any ropes or hooks. I would shit my pants going up only a hundred feet with death waiting below.

Jack makes his way to this wonderful place in the clouds that isn’t heaven. He decides to go to this giant castle where he meets the giant’s wife. You’d think sex would be just a little uncomfortable for her. She warns him about her husband the Giant and hides Jack in an empty kettle.

The giant returns and I quote”

"Fee, fi, fo, fum,
I smell the blood of an Englishman;
Be he alive, or be he dead,
I'll grind his bones to make my bread!"

What a great nose on him; he can actually smell what country Jack is from.

Jack decides to steal some bags of gold and climb down the bean stalk. Let’s think about this for one second. How could he possibly climb down holding onto two heavy bags of gold? Or did he just drop it down and hope he doesn’t kill anyone. And they’re rich and this should have been the happy end to the fairy tale.

But no Jack is one crazy fuck and decides to go back up the beanstalk again and steals a hen that lays golden eggs. Then End

But no Jack decides to climb up once again, again for whatever insane reason. This time the giant finally spots him and chaises Jack down the beanstalk. And Jack chops the beanstalk and the giant falls to his death. What is the moral of this story?

The End

Fairy Tales

Goldilocks

So there is a family of talking bears that live in a cottage in the woods. There is papa bear, mother bear and the cub.  So mama bear made some porridge but it was too hot and they decide to go for a walk while it cools down. Too bad mama bear’s porridge is already too cold and will get even colder. What I don’t get is if you are making  a big pot of porridge than why would they be different temperatures?

So Goldilocks decides to go for a walk in the woods and to pick some magic mushrooms. She shouldn’t be in the woods alone because of all of the talking bear sightings. So she finds a cottage and looks inside and decides to break into it while they are gone. She sees someone else’s porridge and thinks fuck it they’re gone and I’m going to eat it. As you know baby bear’s porridge is just right.

Then she’s decides to sit on their lazy boy chairs. One is too hot and one is too soft. I never heard of a chair being too soft. That makes zero sense. So she goes with baby’s chair because it’s just right. And then it breaks on her, but she doesn’t give a shit.

Then she’s tired and decides to sleep in someone else’s bed. Once again mama’s bed is too soft. I wonder why the parents don’t sleep in the same bed and why the little bear sleeps in the same room.

The bears come home and see that their cottage is broken into. Mama bear gets pissed off with papa bear. “Look honey I told you to lock it.” “Get off my case bitch.” So they see that someone has eaten the porridge and broke the cub’s chair. And there they find Goldilocks having a nice nap and she runs away all the way to home. And papa decides to get Alarm Force security.

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is a girl that is going to deliver wine and Betty Crocker to her ill and weak grandma. I think they should put her in a nursery home instead of leaving her to die in the woods.

So the big bad wolf comes around and asks where she is heading. I would be a little scared of a talking wolf but whatever. She tells him that she’s going her Grandma’s place. The wolf could have easily just ate her there but whatever.

So the wolf pretends to be the girl and gets into Grandma’s home. Old people of course are senile and gullible idiots. She couldn’t tell the difference from a wolf to her own granddaughter. And the wolf eats the geezer whole. Has the wolf ever heard of chewing his food; he could have easily choked on her.

What I don’t get is does the wolf undress the granny before he eats her? I guess he takes off her clothes, puts them on and then eats an old naked lady. I think the wolf is a bit of a cross dresser too.

So the little girl meets up with what she believes to be her grandma. But she is a fucking dumbass. She asks why does her grandma have ears and the wolf says to better hear you with. I would hope to believe that she would notice that grandma has fur on her face and body. Unless granny doesn’t shave. So this goes on for a while and finally the wolf just eats her whole.

Some hunter just so happens to finds the wolf sleeping and cuts his stomach open and frees the girl and the naked grandma. Any realism just went flying out the window. How did the hunter know? And how do the ladies survive being in a god damn stomach?

Hansel and Gretel

Hansel and Gretel are two German siblings that get kicked out of the house because their mom is a total harpy. The father should have just kicked the bitch out.

Hansel and Gretel get lost in the woods. They try to leave trail breadcrumbs but they’re stupid and the birds ate them. They arrive at this magical candy cottage and just start eating it. They aren’t aware that the Blair Witch actually lives there.

How do you build a house made of candy? “So lady you want us to build a house made of candy. Can I ask why?” “Oh because I’m trying to lure kids and eat them” “Great. I will get you an estimate. I think the M&M tiles and the Kit Kat stairs will costs a bit.”

They find out that the witch is feeding them so they will be fat and plumb and make a great meal. Why in fairy tales do kids get eaten? It’s just a little scary. Is it suppose to be a lesson not to be naughty or what?

So Gretel is made to do some chores. She tells the hag that the oven isn’t working. The witch looks inside and wham Gretel kicks her into the over and locks it. Then she bakes her alive and they decide to eat more of the delicious house. What I don’t get is is the whole house made of candy? Would it melt in the summer? And you couldn’t have a candy oven could you? And am I’m asking way too many damn questions?

So they just so happen to find some treasure and make they’re way home. Their father the lumber jack tells them the bitch is dead. How convenient. And the kids show him the riches and he will never have to work again.

The End.

The Grammys

So I posted my blog about Tony Danza and I thought hey I haven’t got drunk since last Wednesday. I had six pack of Canadian just calling out for me. And since I’m a reverse retiree it doesn’t matter what day I drink.

So I started watching the red carpet and pounding my beers away. I also drank three of my dad’s Corona. However I got kicked out of the basement by my dad and then my mom kicked me out of the living room because she was watching House. She also asked how many beers I had and that I shouldn’t be drinking on a Sunday.  I told her to fuck off.

Then out loud I said okay I will watch it on my 13inch screen T.V. that’s older than me.

And that I will only drink two and that I haven’t had a beer since October. I ran into Irving and Mr. Irving  on said Wednesday and talked for only about ten minutes before they had to leave. The wings were excellent but I find even mild a bit too hot.

I noticed that some investment company provided close captioning for the Grammys. What a slap on the face is that to my hearing impaired friends. Sure they can enjoy the light show or what Lady Gaga is wearing but are they going to enjoy reading what Adele is singing?

I only saw bits and pieces and I missed what Lady Gaga was wearing on the red carpet. Normally I couldn’t give a fuck who are you wearing but I think she’s hilarious. Last time I saw her in a dress it was made of meat. Who designed or butchered that dress? The funny thing is that she can wear whatever she wants. I mean do you remember when Bjork was wearing a swan as a dress. I think she ended up killing herself after that humiliation. Lady Gaga could get away with wearing a scarf made of baby kittens.

Houston we have a problem. As we all know Whitney Houston is dead and has been a huge buzzkill for the show. So this interviewing bitch kept asking the exact same damn question to everyone about how they feel about Whitney. And these celebrities have to regurgitate the same damn thing to every other interviewer. Okay I admire her music and all but I bet these artists really don’t care that much. This is what I would say “its bitter sweet, she was a legend and I think she will be missed by all, but I’m sure she would want us to enjoy the music.”

I want to know who exactly gets into the audience. I see that the place is jammed pack and I wonder who are these people? Are they producers, celebrities, fans or what? I never saw Brittney on the red carpet or inside the show. Is she invited or not because they never showed her on the camera.  I bet that she would be totally pissed off not being invited because her career is over. She’s not all that hot anymore and all of her songs are about how famous she is and how much her fame sucks.

LL Cool J is the host of the 54^th Grammies. I haven’t heard from him since Deep Blue Sea. I think my friend Stics would do any awesome job at directing the awards. They always seem to show random people or close up on nominees. I laugh when they show all the nominees faces when they lose. Most of them look happy and are clapping for Adele or if anyone else won at all.  Inside they are all pissed off and calling her a fat bitch.

I really do admire Adele, she has a killer voice and Rolling in the Dark is a powerful song.  She is kind of cute but she would look a lot better if she lost some weight. I know a lot of people feel that way. There is no contest that she had Best Pop Vocal. I’m glad her performance was flawless because she had vocal problems earlier and I’m thinking the worst.

I like Adele; she’s not a total slut like all of the other female musicians and would be the perfect singer on that stupid show the Voice with Christina Aguilera. My question is can you tell how hot someone is by their voice. It’s funny that Adele has an English accent but you can’t tell when she is singing. And as soon as she speaks she sounds like Mary Poppins.

However I think Lady Gaga deserved Album of the year. She had so many hit songs. And I think Katie Perry should have won Best Pop Solo Performance with her song fireworks because it’s catchy as Hell, it’s inspirational and she’s totally hot.

Rihanna has to be the hottest one there, although I like her red hair better. Then the power goes off and wow am I laughing. At first I thought it was just the cable or some techno difficulty. But no it was all part of a plan so she can change into some other revealing clothes. Nice.

Normally I hate country music and how stupid their cowboy hats are. But I’m glad that Lady Antebellum won best country song about being a little drunk. I actually stood up and said “Yes! I am a little drunk! And I need you now.” Very good song. Then they had whoever sang that shitty song Like a Rhinestone Cowboy. I have no fucking clue who he is or what a rhinestone cowboy is or why he is in the show..

Taylor Swift played a real country song. For whatever reason she is holding onto a banjo as if she is actually playing it. She might as well play the triangle but at least she is singing.  I would have loved if Taylor Swift walked in on Kanye West’s award speech and tell him that Otis should have won. But Kanye was too busy or something. How could you miss music’s most important night especially when your song wins?

What the fuck was with the whole exorcism song by Nicki Minaj. That was so offensive in so many ways. Honestly who the Hell is behind this horrible song and dance routine? I haven’t seen an attack on religion since Sinead Connor ripped a picture of the Pope and said this is the enemy.

I missed bits and pieces. I was either away for a snack or grabbing another beer but I see Whitney there and I’m wondering if it was all a huge hoax or did she rise from the dead? So they had a tribute to her and other musicians that died of drug overdoses like Amy Whitehouse. Too bad they didn’t have enough time for a better tribute for poor Whitney. But when you are only 48 yrs old it’s not just heart failure.

For the most part the performances were great. I have been listening to a lot of techno lately and that Dead Mouse sounds wicked. I should download some of his music. I have also have been listening to a band Sense Fail a lot. The final act with Paul McCarthy rocked big time. I loved it when he other rock gods played each other’s songs and rifts. And now I’m going to go pass out.

Who the Fuck is the Boss?

Tony Danza Bonanza

Tony Danza is a former boxer who kicked some ass. He is of course an Italian from Brooklyn so you know he’s one tough mother fucker.  And a huge hunk. Wait did I just say that? I’m not gay but if I was you know I’d be all over him. I mean he has a great smile and he is funny…

Taxi. Taxi, taxi over here. Taxi! Damn you taxi! After his career as a boxer ended he starred as Tony Banta in a very successful sitcom called Taxi. I guess they had to call him Tony Banta because he would get confused with the names. And he played a boxer. I guess he wasn’t talented enough to act as anyone else.

As I mentioned Taxi was great sitcom in the late 70s and early 80s. It was the jump start for many actors. Andy Kaufman is famous for his unusual standup characters and played the foreign guy. Then he died. But the movie Man on the Moon was great.

Danny DeVito is the dispatcher that still lives with his mom. Haha. Loser! If you don’t know Danny DeVito, he played himself as the Penguin from Batman and other movies where they need a hideous actor. “Look Penguin, we are making a real life Hunchback of the Notre Dame and we want a freak. Danny, can you be that freak?

Christopher Lloyd is the total druggy burnout. But wait, if you seen Back to the Future then you know he is actually in 1885 and couldn’t possibly be in the 70s. Unless he got tired of the Wild West, dumped his bitch and gone back to the future. Again

I think a cab driver would be loads of fun. You drive all around town listening to music and talking to interesting people. However I do find it difficult seeing addresses at night and still don’t know my way around town, even with a map or GPS. I do know that taxi drivers want to get to your destination as soon as possible so people have more money for tips. Dane Cook was funny when he said something like you know you’re drunk when you think the fare is the time.

Who’s the Boss is a classic 80’s sitcom. As you are well aware, or as should you be aware, Tony is the housekeeper of some workaholic Angel Bauer. So the man is the maid and the woman is has the career. Thus the show is called Who’s the Boss. Oh just imagine the craziness. What kind of job is that really?

So Tony, who should be called the butler, cooks, cleans the dishes, dusts and mops the floor. Housewives around the world rejoice and men around the world laugh. He was an ex ball player that must have lost all of his money. I don’t know why he became broke, maybe it was heroine. I wonder how payday goes. “Tony, you’ve done an excellent job scrubbing the toilet; I’m giving you a raise. How does fifteen more cents sound?”

Angela is the workaholic too busy to clean the house or even be a parent. I forget where she works. Maybe House and Home Magazine. I just hope she at least took fraternity leave for a few years so she could be a good mother to her child. So I’m thinking why hire a man? Why, because he’s fucking Tony Danza. What a power trip that would be having a man bake, vacuum and pleasure you. I just find her unattractive, maybe it was the 80s’ hair maybe it was the big nose. She needs to get laid.

Alyssa Milano is the super hot daughter of Tony. She has been in tons of movies and television shows but I can only recall her as the daughter of Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movie Commando. Schwarz is one man army out to rescue his daughter from some random drug cartel. Schwarz just plows through like a hundred men without any backup or military support. The next day her character gets hit by a bus. I think Alyssa is confused and needs a real male influence in her life and not a male nanny.

Mona is the total hoar. I mean her name is mona; she likes to moan. I didn’t know what sex was back then but now that I do I feel like throwing up. Old people and ugly people should not have the right to have sex. I’m kidding.

Does she go to the retirement home to pick up old men or is she a cougar at the bar out for young blood. How about a lesbian? I think it’s a bit disturbing when Mona brings random old men home to fuck her and the kid is just listening to all of that gross shit in the next room. They later sent her to old people’s home because she had Alzheimer’s and kept asking where her husband is. And she doesn’t recognize her own grandson. And I don’t either. I remember nothing interesting about the son or even his name.

I don’t recall any episodes of Angela bringing men home, maybe because nobody wants her. Imagine Angela comes home all drunk and calls Tony a fairy and he just loses it on her. He would slap her in the face and punch her stomach and say who’s the boss now bitch?!

What I do remember is a famous episode where Tony is going to the shower and sees Angela naked. I wish I could have seen all of that. So yeah Tony is like well do you want to see me naked? It could have been a lot worse. It could have been Mona.  My question is does the drapes match the carpet.

Bad Commercials

I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight, chicken tonight, chicken tonight…

I realize I’m a little late on the Super Bowl, but wow what an exciting game! It could have gone either way with that last Hail Mary. He should have caught it and now he is the most hated player on the team. Too bad we Canadians don’t get the funny commercials. We got mutual fund commercials or a preview of the new Snow Dog movie.

If you had the money what commercial would you play for the Super Bowl? I’d dress up as Jesus and demand money to be sent to my address in order to save your internal soul. A good investment indeed.

Do commercials work on you? Every time I watch one I feel like I have to go out to get it.  I could really use a vacuum that sucks up screws or do I need Lifeline in case I fall. I do enjoy funny commercials until they repeat them a million times..

Food commercials are the worst. It’s late at night and I see a Pizza Hut commercial. As soon as I see that greasy cheesy savory goodness I’m salivating. But alas it’s too late to order one and all I can eat is a pizza pocket. I have been meaning to try to use a hammer and make it explode because I don’t know what would happen. I bet it would just be a mess.

So I’m stoned and watching Family Guy and having a gay old time. Then the tampon commercials come on and ruins it. It’s the sickest shit ever. I’m trying to eat my fries with ketchup and I don’t want to hear anything about wings and blue dye. I realize it’s a huge market but I think women can figure it out without the ads. I mean do chicks really go to the tampon store and think “hmm is Playtex right for me? It sounds fun.. I’ll try out this month and be a bitch for a couple of days.”

Funny story me and my mom were at the dollar store and I say something like this looks like a good deal on diapers and my mom says those aren’t diapers. I would not trust tampons from a dollar store.

There are always milk commercials despite the fact everyone is aware of milk. Nobody is going to see a stupid milk ad and think “hey I have been meaning try this beverage “milk.” I will buy a small carton at the market. Plus I won’t have to eat my Cheerios with water anymore.”

I remember the old milk commercials that “milk does the body good.” Or they will show the effects of what drinking milk does on growth. They show some wimp that becomes a real man all because of milk. I don’t think they did any studies. I mean I have been eating bowl after bowl cereal ever since I was a toddler but I still have the skinniest bones.

Where is the beef? Haha where’s the beef indeed. Way back in the 80s some grandma asks what we have all been thinking “where’s the beef?” This was of course is a classic Wendy’s commercial. I agree that their burger patties are bigger and they actually cook them instead of putting them under a heat lamp. And I love frostys.

I assume that Wendy was the late Dave Thomas’ daughter because nobody likes dorky girls with red hair and freckles. But that’s just my opinion. And I will have it my way! I never liked McDonald’s commercials or the gay clown. I did enjoy the Hamburglar.

SEGA!! I remember way back when Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo were competing for us kids. We ended up buying the Genesis because my brother liked the Sega commercials. Big mistake! The Super NES was superior in so many ways. They had a better controller with more buttons and exclusive games that are only for Nintendo such as Mario Kart, Final Fantasy or Zelda. We got Sonic, hmm, I guess he’s fast. SEGA!!

Before I started drinking beer I was a soda drinker; big time. Pepsi and Coke have been long time rivals and mortal enemies. I love Pepsi and the entire Pepsi brand flavors over Coke and coke products. I easily passed the Pepsi Challenge.

Pepsi have always had the funny commercials like the ones with Chris Farley’s brother or the ones where two truckers trade pop and the Coke guy wants to keep the Pepsi. Coke had polar bears. Fun fact Coca-Cola used to contain cocaine. Apparently the creator was looking for something to fight his heroine addiction.

Just Do It! Everyone knows that Nike uses sweatshop workers but I still buy their shoes because I like the quality of them. I don’t know the full story but it’s not like they are forcing people to work there. It’s just Nike spends millions in advertising on athletes like Michael Jordan or Tiger Woods that they could easily use to give workers better wages and working conditions.

Beer commercials can’t actually show people drinking. Instead everyone is having an awesome time just holding on to them. And so do me and my friends because it’s cheaper this way. “Hey guys are you wasted or what?” “Look buddy you have been holding on to too many beers all night. Give me the keys and I’ll pay for a cab.”

And I have already written an older blog about Charmin toilet paper and the stupid bears that wipe their butts with it, so check it out. I ask the question that if the parent bears buy Charmin than why does the little bear use the another brand? “Mom you already had Charmin than why the fuck didn’t you tell me! I got all of this shit stuck to my ass because the competing toilet paper sucks balls!”

Nursery Rhymes

Do you remember when your parents or grandparents read you nursery rhymes as a kid? My nana recorded some for me and my brother on tape. Well I was talking about them and he regrets recording something over it. I believe it was Ugly Kid Joe.

Humpty Dumpty is a pretty short and lame nursery rhyme. But it’s a popular one, so popular that the greatest chips in existence used it as its name. Here it is:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the kings’ horses and all the king’s men

Couldn’t put Humpty together again

I’ve heard better rhymes from DMX. So yeah Humpty falls of the wall and smashes into pieces. Where the fuck are the guard rails and what’s humpty doing up there? Was he drunk? And what the fuck will horses do to repair a shattered egg. I’m sure they made the ultimate Egg McMuffin.

There is a course the crazy lady that lived in a goddamn shoe.

There once was this crazy old hag who lived in a fucking shoe,

She had so many damn kids she didn’t know what the fuck to do;

She gave them some broth without any bread;

She whipped them all soundly and put them to bed

Wow. Did she abuse pregnancy pills or is she just Catholic? Where the fuck is child services because I don’t think its okay to live in a goddamn shoe, not feed them and then whip them to sleep. What the fuck was the architecture thinking when he designed a giant shoe. And of course the deadbeat father was sick of all of the damn kids and left grandma with the shoe, took the Toyota and hasn’t paid any child support.

Here is a funny rhyme of a kid passing out after a hard night of drinking

Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John:

Went to bed with his trousers on;

One shoe off and one shoe on

Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John

Once again that’s a pretty shitty nursery rhyme. They only rhymed “John” with “on” and did it twice. It’s almost as lame as it is “cool to go to school.”

Three Blind mice is a pretty sad story of mice getting glaucoma or some shit. The farmer’s wife is trying to kill them, which shouldn’t be too difficult. She only cuts off their tails. I would use a mouse trap because they’d be totally relying on smell. Or get a cat for Christ’s sake. If your cat can’t pull it off it then its bed time for Mittens. Which is another fairy tale of its own.

I don’t know if it’s my nursery rhyme book or what but the lyrics don’t sound quite right. So here’s the one about Jack and Jill:

Jack and Jill went the hill

To fetch a pail of water;

Jack fell down and broke his crown,

And Jill came tumbling after.

Up Jack got, and home did trot,

As fast as he could caper,

To old Dame Dob, who patched his nob

With vinegar and brown paper.

I don’t quite know why they have to go up the hill for water? Normally you fetch a pail at a well or buy some Aquafina. So he fell down and broke his crown. I don’t know what a crown is supposed to be. He is clearly not royalty. I think they meant he broke his head. And then the bitch puts fucking vinegar over the wound. Hey grandma use Polysporin. It still hurts but is a good disinfector. Highly recommended.

Here is a short rhyme about a daring boy named Jack. Is he the same Jack as in Jack and Jill that fell from a hill or is Jack just a popular name?

Jack be nimble,

Jack be quick,

Jack jump over

The candle stick.

Wow what an accomplishment. Is Jack the new Evel Knievel? I don’t understand why there was a candle on the ground in the first place? Did the power go off or something. Or did  someone put him up to this. I think I could easily clear it. But you would have to be careful not to knock it over and set the place on fire.

Here is a rhyme about Miss Muffet. Is she single because from the picture she looks like a hotty.

Little Miss Muffet

Sat on a tuffet,

Eating her curds and whey;

There came a big spider,

Who sat down beside her

And frightened Miss Muffet away.

I don’t understand half of those words but spiders scare me.

Here is the gayest fairy tale about three grown men in a tub. And most nursery rhymes can be really gay.

Rub-a-dub-dub

Three men in a tub,

And how do you think they got there?

The butcher, the baker,

The candlestick-maker,

They all jumped out of rotten potato,

Twas enough to make  man stare.

What the shit is this all about? Yes I would like to know how they got there. “Oh they jumped out of rotten potato. Right.” And yes it would be enough to make a man stare. How about three smoking hot chicks on a raft?

Rub-a-dub-dub

Three hots chick in an innertube

All of them have nice boobs

The bitch, the dyke,

The slut, all I like

They all got bare

Twas enough to make men stare

You all know about Mary the school girl and her little lamb that followed her everywhere. That would kickass having your own lamb. Sure everyone can have a dog but a lamb as white as snow is cool. And when she dies that will make a glorious fleece coat.

Here is a less poplar rhyme about a crooked man. I will paraphrase it.:

There was a crackhead and he walked a crooked mile;

He found a crack pipe sixpence against a crack stile;

He bought a crooked cat,

Which caught a crooked mouse

And they all lived together in a little crack house.

The sheep nursery rhyme is a popular one

Baa, baa, black sheep,

Have you any wool?

Yes sir, yes, sir,

Three bags full;

One for the master

And one for the dame

And one for the little boy

Who lives down the lane

So yes the sheep is the “black sheep of the family” haha, but who gives a flying shit if your sheep gives you wool when he can talk. Besides all of my clothes are either cotton or baby seal.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Do you remember Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? Or is it called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I love chocolate and wished I could go to the Chocolate Factory and win a lifetime supply of chocolate. Imagine all of the peanut M&Ms you could eat. Unless another chocolate factory makes them. I don’t know.

However some parts scared the shit out of me. Like at the beginning when they enter the hallway and the walls are closing in. Wonka is all nonchalant while the rest of the people are shitting in their pants. And Han Solo is all like “One thing's for sure, we're all gonna be a lot thinner.” Haha. The boat ride was very scary and psychedelic too.

As you know Willy Wonka is this crazy hermit that owns one of the greatest candy factories in of all England. Apparently nobody has been inside for years, not even an inspector. I just hope the building is up to code.

You never really see where the Oompa Loompas make their chocolate. It is a factory after all and not some tour. My theory is that they are kids dressed up to look like Oompas and are actually sweet shop workers.

Charlie is some poor loser whose father is dead and he lives with his mom and both sets of his grandparents. His grandparents haven’t gotten out of their bed in years. Which is very gross considering that if they haven’t gotten out of bed then they must have pissed and shit in the same bed all day for years.

So Charlie gets a chocolate bar for his birthday. Haha just a chocolate bar. And bam he finds the last golden ticket. So he goes running home and I’m wondering why doesn’t anybody just steal it. So Charley picks his grandpa to come even though he hasn’t gone out of bed for years. Well grandpa springs out of bed and does this funny dance and is all set to go. I just hoped he had a long shower and some new clothes.

My favorite part is when they enter that magical candy land where you can eat what ever you want. Very psychedelic, I would go sample everything because I can never have enough candy.

Surprise, surprise the fat kid fucks up first. He could have anything he sees to eat except to drink the Nestlé Quick chocolate milk river. And he falls right into it and contaminates the whole damn river. Fun fact chocolate bars contain insect parts. So he almost fucking drowns in chocolaty goodness but he gets sucked up the tube and we assume the worst. Imagine the lawsuit.

Then there is the bubble gum girl. Back then bubble gum tasted like shit, I bet she would love Strident. My question is does she swallow or spit? Haha, I mean does she swallow the gum because who knows how long all of that gum lasts in your stomach. Or does shit just spit it on the ground. So she tries this magical gum that tastes like Denny’s and ends up turning into this giant grape thing. Imagine the lawsuit.

Charlie and grandpa venture off the tour and try some magical soda. Well this soda makes you float. Which is fun at first until they almost get chopped up by the fan above. Whose genius idea was it to leave floating power soda with a killer fan right above. Imagine the lawsuit.

Then there is the couch potato kid that loves his television. Too bad the movie was made in the early seventies when T.V. sucked. This was long before the Golden Girls remind you. So he steps on the teleporting thingy and gets shrunk. So yeah you fit in a television but you are the size of a fairy. Sure it would be cool to get drunk of a sip of beer and you can eat a giant Big Mac. But where are all of the girls pencil dick? Imagine the lawsuit.

I never liked the spoiled girl. Maybe instead of buying all of those damn chocolate bars she could have just bribed her way in with all of that cash. I’m sure Wonka give a fuck if she bought her way in. Well she wants everything she sees including a giant chocolate egg. And she falls into the bad egg vent and we assume she broke her neck and her father would hire a hitman to avenge his daughter’s death. Imagine the lawsuit.

Don’t worry because everyone turns out a-okay. But they all failed the tests of who will inherit the factory. I don’t remember everything but grandma loses it on Wonka and someone Charlie ends up passing the test. Then they fly around in some magical elevator and the movie falls apart.

Oompa loompa doompety doo
I've got a perfect puzzle for you
Oompa loompa doompety dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me

What do you get when you guzzle down sweets
Eating as much as an elephant eats
What are you at, getting terribly fat
What do you think will come of that
I don't like the look of it

Oompa loompa doompety da
If you're not greedy, you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do
Doompety do

Oompa loompa doompety doo
I've got another puzzle for you
Oompa loompa doompeda dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me

Gum chewing's fine when it's once in a while
It stops you from smoking and brightens your smile
But it's repulsive, revolting and wrong
Chewing and chewing all day long
The way that a cow does

Oompa loompa doompety da
Given good manners you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do

Oompa loompa doompety doo
I've got another puzzle for you
Oompa loompa doompety dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me

Who do you blame when your kid is a brat
Pampered and spoiled like a siamese cat
Blaming the kids is a lie and a shame
You know exactly who's to blame
The mother and the father

Oompa loompa doompety da
If you're not spoiled then you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do

Oompa loompa doompety doo
I've got another puzzle for you
Oompa loompa doompeda dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me

What do you get from a glut of TV
A pain in the neck and an IQ of three
Why don't you try simply reading a book
Or could you just not bear to look

Oompa loompa doompety da
If you're not greedy you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the - Oompa -
Oompa Loompa Doompety do

Magic Mushrooms

I realized I write a lot about religion and pot. And I might write another religious blog about Armageddon and the end of the world. As you all know my favorite drug is weed. It’s all you need really need aside from having a couple of beers with your friends. I think it should be legalized, I mean what’s the worst that could happen? Whats this kids are laughing and eating cookie doe? We should end this madness at once!

I often hear how people get paranoid when they smoke weed. I actually love it; I have never had a bad time smoking too much weed unless I was drinking at the same time. I was talking to this one guy who hates the paranoia when he smokes weed but he does special K. I don’t even know what the fuck special K is.

I never smoked cigarettes in my life. My brother warned me about it, even though I probably would never try anyway. I wonder why people try it in the first place now knowing all of the ill health effects and addiction. I guess it gets down to peer pressure.

My first drug I tried was oil. It was a strange feeling and awesome; I felt so mellowed out. If you don’t know what oil or hash oil is it’s a all of the marijuana plant byproducts such as resin, leaves, seeds and stems that is melted down to this oily goo which you store in a small capsule. And then you do bottle tokes or what you call BTs. Don’t get it mixed up with BLTs, which are also awesome. What you do is find a plastic bottle and light a cigarette and burn a small hole in the bottle. Then you use a pin and dip a drop of oil on the cigarette and let the cigarette burn inside the bottle. Then you open the lid and take a toke of all the smoke. It’s very cheap but who knows what else the put in there, it could have hairspray in it for all you know.

I tried ecstasy for New Years 2000 because it was New Years 2000. It was off the hook. I spent the majority of time just tripping on the couch watching music videos. I got the best massage ever and I got kissed by two hot chicks for the ball drop. But I don’t think I’d ever do it again. I tried cocaine a couple of times and I don’t know what the fuss is. So I get hyper and talkative. Big deal. I do drink buckets of coffee and energy drinks all of the time though.  And I had pain killers when I broke my leg.

But today I am talking about magic mushrooms and how crazy they are. If you don’t believe that fact is stranger than fiction than you have never heard of mushrooms. When I first heard about them and all of the crazy effects and hallucinations I just had to try them. I become obsessed. But it also fucks with your mind.

The first time I tried a gram and watched Heavy Metal and Heavy Metal 2000 with my brother and his friend. They were the best movies I have ever seen. At least at the time. We were giggling like crazy. It was a weird felling but I didn’t really notice any hallucinations.

One of the best times I had was on Canada Day at a huge house party. I took two grams and wow it was fucking awesome. They started kicking in when we driving home from the fireworks in my buddy’s truck. I was holding on for dear life. So I had to go to the bathroom and wow was I hallucinating. I spent like a half hour looking at the tiles and they were moving around a shit. If you seen Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas when he was at the bar looking at the carpet then you know what I’m talking about. Everything was hilarious. So I end up leaving and went to the park. I laid down on the grass and closed my eyes and wow it was like my own fireworks in my head. It was crazy beautiful. What a night.

So my family was out of town and I decided to try three grams of some good shit. Big mistake. I walked to the variety store and I felt like I was in a giant snow globe. The trees looked like they were alive. So I’m having a good time and all of the sudden it hits me and I start to panic. I thought “oh no I took too much. I took too much.” So I get home and try to relax. “Okay Greg just watch Austin Powers. Calm down and enjoy it.” But nobody was there to help me and I’m freaking out like crazy. I can’t begin to describe the madness. I recall bits and pieces. I was looking at my feet like I was a monkey. Then I felt like I was hypnotized snake. And I saw these rainbow tunnels. I recall almost calling 911. It seemed like an eternity but I finally came to and I actually felt fine. The house was a disaster though; who knows what really happened.

In my first year of university I bough an ounce of some kick ass shrooms. It ended up being about four dollars for a gram and I was selling it for ten bucks a gram. I was the go to guy for weed and shrooms at my residence.

So me and this other guy ate some shrooms and hit the club with the rest of our floor. They started kicking in as we arrived. I gave my coat to some random chick that I thought was the coat check master. So I decide to walk home and I felt like I was in Super Mario 3. Everything seemed so like a dream and object were floating. I get back to residence and the halls were breathing in and out. I spent hours just laughing in the hall and spilling my guts to all of the girls. Good times. My friend apparently spent the night on a bus and wanted to do some more again.

And the worst time I ever had on shrooms, or worst time ever in my life, was at a shroom party. I wanted to have a good time and tried two grams. And I was having a great time. I remember just grabbing a handful of instant coffee and eating it. They thought it was hilarious. But all of sudden I got so paranoid that everyone w making fun of me. Well the guys behind were saying how funny I was. I thought they were calling me names and shit and I freak out. I get up and punch this one guy in the face and tried to drive home.

Big mistake. I was tripping out like crazy and thought the radio was making fun of me. So I’m on the highway driving home and I want to go back and fight them. So I make a u turn and get lost. I end up sliding into a dead end and smashed my bumper. It was Hell. So I ditch the shrooms and just waited there. The cops come by and they gave me a breathalyzer. I didn’t have a drop of alcohol and said I only smoked some weed. So I go to the police station where I waited for my parents. What a horrible feeling. I think the officer felt sorry for me and I didn’t get charged or lose any points. In hindsight I think things could have turned out much much worse.

So here’s my advice. Buy in bulk and sample just a little. Be careful where you get them, after all they are a poison and you don’t want the wrong type. My dealer gets the shrooms from B.C. There’s nothing wrong with not taking enough, nothing bad can happen. So for the first time try a gram. If nothing happens within an hour try a half gram. But every time I try some I still get scared. By the way shrooms are grown on cow shit and you should put them in a bun and eat it.