Do you remember when your parents or grandparents read you nursery rhymes as a kid? My nana recorded some for me and my brother on tape. Well I was talking about them and he regrets recording something over it. I believe it was Ugly Kid Joe.
Humpty Dumpty is a pretty short and lame nursery rhyme. But it’s a popular one, so popular that the greatest chips in existence used it as its name. Here it is:
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings’ horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again
I’ve heard better rhymes from DMX. So yeah Humpty falls of the wall and smashes into pieces. Where the fuck are the guard rails and what’s humpty doing up there? Was he drunk? And what the fuck will horses do to repair a shattered egg. I’m sure they made the ultimate Egg McMuffin.
There is a course the crazy lady that lived in a goddamn shoe.
There once was this crazy old hag who lived in a fucking shoe,
She had so many damn kids she didn’t know what the fuck to do;
She gave them some broth without any bread;
She whipped them all soundly and put them to bed
Wow. Did she abuse pregnancy pills or is she just Catholic? Where the fuck is child services because I don’t think its okay to live in a goddamn shoe, not feed them and then whip them to sleep. What the fuck was the architecture thinking when he designed a giant shoe. And of course the deadbeat father was sick of all of the damn kids and left grandma with the shoe, took the Toyota and hasn’t paid any child support.
Here is a funny rhyme of a kid passing out after a hard night of drinking
Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John:
Went to bed with his trousers on;
One shoe off and one shoe on
Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John
Once again that’s a pretty shitty nursery rhyme. They only rhymed “John” with “on” and did it twice. It’s almost as lame as it is “cool to go to school.”
Three Blind mice is a pretty sad story of mice getting glaucoma or some shit. The farmer’s wife is trying to kill them, which shouldn’t be too difficult. She only cuts off their tails. I would use a mouse trap because they’d be totally relying on smell. Or get a cat for Christ’s sake. If your cat can’t pull it off it then its bed time for Mittens. Which is another fairy tale of its own.
I don’t know if it’s my nursery rhyme book or what but the lyrics don’t sound quite right. So here’s the one about Jack and Jill:
Jack and Jill went the hill
To fetch a pail of water;
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.
Up Jack got, and home did trot,
As fast as he could caper,
To old Dame Dob, who patched his nob
With vinegar and brown paper.
I don’t quite know why they have to go up the hill for water? Normally you fetch a pail at a well or buy some Aquafina. So he fell down and broke his crown. I don’t know what a crown is supposed to be. He is clearly not royalty. I think they meant he broke his head. And then the bitch puts fucking vinegar over the wound. Hey grandma use Polysporin. It still hurts but is a good disinfector. Highly recommended.
Here is a short rhyme about a daring boy named Jack. Is he the same Jack as in Jack and Jill that fell from a hill or is Jack just a popular name?
Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick,
Jack jump over
The candle stick.
Wow what an accomplishment. Is Jack the new Evel Knievel? I don’t understand why there was a candle on the ground in the first place? Did the power go off or something. Or did someone put him up to this. I think I could easily clear it. But you would have to be careful not to knock it over and set the place on fire.
Here is a rhyme about Miss Muffet. Is she single because from the picture she looks like a hotty.
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey;
There came a big spider,
Who sat down beside her
And frightened Miss Muffet away.
I don’t understand half of those words but spiders scare me.
Here is the gayest fairy tale about three grown men in a tub. And most nursery rhymes can be really gay.
Rub-a-dub-dub
Three men in a tub,
And how do you think they got there?
The butcher, the baker,
The candlestick-maker,
They all jumped out of rotten potato,
Twas enough to make man stare.
What the shit is this all about? Yes I would like to know how they got there. “Oh they jumped out of rotten potato. Right.” And yes it would be enough to make a man stare. How about three smoking hot chicks on a raft?
Rub-a-dub-dub
Three hots chick in an innertube
All of them have nice boobs
The bitch, the dyke,
The slut, all I like
They all got bare
Twas enough to make men stare
You all know about Mary the school girl and her little lamb that followed her everywhere. That would kickass having your own lamb. Sure everyone can have a dog but a lamb as white as snow is cool. And when she dies that will make a glorious fleece coat.
Here is a less poplar rhyme about a crooked man. I will paraphrase it.:
There was a crackhead and he walked a crooked mile;
He found a crack pipe sixpence against a crack stile;
He bought a crooked cat,
Which caught a crooked mouse
And they all lived together in a little crack house.
The sheep nursery rhyme is a popular one
Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes, sir,
Three bags full;
One for the master
And one for the dame
And one for the little boy
Who lives down the lane
So yes the sheep is the “black sheep of the family” haha, but who gives a flying shit if your sheep gives you wool when he can talk. Besides all of my clothes are either cotton or baby seal.
A lot of nursery rhymes are awful and I wonder why people even say them. Like the three blind mice. Why sing about chopping off tails. Or even sayings like "ladybug ladybug fly away home. Your house is on fire and your children are alone". How awful. Even some lullibys are brutal - "rock a-by baby, on the tree top. When the wind blows the cradle will rock. When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall. And down will come baby. Cradle and all". How horrible to sing to a child. You're going to fall out of a tree and be severly injured or die. I'm lame and changed the last line to "and momma will catch you, cradle and all". I don't want to put the negativity out there!
ReplyDeleteYou’re totally right Lisa, I was thinking the same thing. Why is the baby on a tree in the first place? What’s really funny is that there was a short clip of the Simpsons before they had the show and Marg is telling it to Maggie. Well Maggie is imagining falling down and now can’t sleep. And the lady bug needs a fire alarm.
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