Nursery Rhymes

Do you remember when your parents or grandparents read you nursery rhymes as a kid? My nana recorded some for me and my brother on tape. Well I was talking about them and he regrets recording something over it. I believe it was Ugly Kid Joe.

Humpty Dumpty is a pretty short and lame nursery rhyme. But it’s a popular one, so popular that the greatest chips in existence used it as its name. Here it is:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the kings’ horses and all the king’s men

Couldn’t put Humpty together again

I’ve heard better rhymes from DMX. So yeah Humpty falls of the wall and smashes into pieces. Where the fuck are the guard rails and what’s humpty doing up there? Was he drunk? And what the fuck will horses do to repair a shattered egg. I’m sure they made the ultimate Egg McMuffin.

There is a course the crazy lady that lived in a goddamn shoe.

There once was this crazy old hag who lived in a fucking shoe,

She had so many damn kids she didn’t know what the fuck to do;

She gave them some broth without any bread;

She whipped them all soundly and put them to bed

Wow. Did she abuse pregnancy pills or is she just Catholic? Where the fuck is child services because I don’t think its okay to live in a goddamn shoe, not feed them and then whip them to sleep. What the fuck was the architecture thinking when he designed a giant shoe. And of course the deadbeat father was sick of all of the damn kids and left grandma with the shoe, took the Toyota and hasn’t paid any child support.

Here is a funny rhyme of a kid passing out after a hard night of drinking

Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John:

Went to bed with his trousers on;

One shoe off and one shoe on

Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John

Once again that’s a pretty shitty nursery rhyme. They only rhymed “John” with “on” and did it twice. It’s almost as lame as it is “cool to go to school.”

Three Blind mice is a pretty sad story of mice getting glaucoma or some shit. The farmer’s wife is trying to kill them, which shouldn’t be too difficult. She only cuts off their tails. I would use a mouse trap because they’d be totally relying on smell. Or get a cat for Christ’s sake. If your cat can’t pull it off it then its bed time for Mittens. Which is another fairy tale of its own.

I don’t know if it’s my nursery rhyme book or what but the lyrics don’t sound quite right. So here’s the one about Jack and Jill:

Jack and Jill went the hill

To fetch a pail of water;

Jack fell down and broke his crown,

And Jill came tumbling after.

Up Jack got, and home did trot,

As fast as he could caper,

To old Dame Dob, who patched his nob

With vinegar and brown paper.

I don’t quite know why they have to go up the hill for water? Normally you fetch a pail at a well or buy some Aquafina. So he fell down and broke his crown. I don’t know what a crown is supposed to be. He is clearly not royalty. I think they meant he broke his head. And then the bitch puts fucking vinegar over the wound. Hey grandma use Polysporin. It still hurts but is a good disinfector. Highly recommended.

Here is a short rhyme about a daring boy named Jack. Is he the same Jack as in Jack and Jill that fell from a hill or is Jack just a popular name?

Jack be nimble,

Jack be quick,

Jack jump over

The candle stick.

Wow what an accomplishment. Is Jack the new Evel Knievel? I don’t understand why there was a candle on the ground in the first place? Did the power go off or something. Or did  someone put him up to this. I think I could easily clear it. But you would have to be careful not to knock it over and set the place on fire.

Here is a rhyme about Miss Muffet. Is she single because from the picture she looks like a hotty.

Little Miss Muffet

Sat on a tuffet,

Eating her curds and whey;

There came a big spider,

Who sat down beside her

And frightened Miss Muffet away.

I don’t understand half of those words but spiders scare me.

Here is the gayest fairy tale about three grown men in a tub. And most nursery rhymes can be really gay.

Rub-a-dub-dub

Three men in a tub,

And how do you think they got there?

The butcher, the baker,

The candlestick-maker,

They all jumped out of rotten potato,

Twas enough to make  man stare.

What the shit is this all about? Yes I would like to know how they got there. “Oh they jumped out of rotten potato. Right.” And yes it would be enough to make a man stare. How about three smoking hot chicks on a raft?

Rub-a-dub-dub

Three hots chick in an innertube

All of them have nice boobs

The bitch, the dyke,

The slut, all I like

They all got bare

Twas enough to make men stare

You all know about Mary the school girl and her little lamb that followed her everywhere. That would kickass having your own lamb. Sure everyone can have a dog but a lamb as white as snow is cool. And when she dies that will make a glorious fleece coat.

Here is a less poplar rhyme about a crooked man. I will paraphrase it.:

There was a crackhead and he walked a crooked mile;

He found a crack pipe sixpence against a crack stile;

He bought a crooked cat,

Which caught a crooked mouse

And they all lived together in a little crack house.

The sheep nursery rhyme is a popular one

Baa, baa, black sheep,

Have you any wool?

Yes sir, yes, sir,

Three bags full;

One for the master

And one for the dame

And one for the little boy

Who lives down the lane

So yes the sheep is the “black sheep of the family” haha, but who gives a flying shit if your sheep gives you wool when he can talk. Besides all of my clothes are either cotton or baby seal.