Arnold Schwarzenegger

As a kid I loved Arnold Schwarzenegger even though I couldn’t spell his name or understand what the fuck he was saying half the time. Ggreeg I’m Gooing to Keeel yoou. I guess it is because he is from Austria. As a kid I thought he was from Australia, mate. And in Space Balls, which is kick ass, Yoda says to use the Schwarz, is that a coincidence?

I use to love action movies and explosions. And explosions where the hero somehow manages to jump out of the way of danger without second degree burns. Speaking of which I don’t know if it is worse to have first degree or third degree burns. I guess I could look it up.

Too bad I missed the cool scene in Bless the Child when a car falls from our very own Blue Water Bridge. I think there was Drew Carry marathon on. They used our bridge but superimposed some random New York background. I rented the movie Bless the Child just to see that part and you can see our bridge and parts of the shore. But what a lame movie. I bet half the people who saw it are from Sarnia who did the same thing I did.

Arnold’s first movie was actually a documentary where he and Lou Ferrigno (the neighbor in King of Queens) competed for Mr. Universe. It was pretty badass. I owe my sculpted hot bod from him, power bars and 24 Hour Good Life Fitness. Which isn’t 24 hours on weekends.

However I don’t like action movies anymore. I like movies with action and I think there is a difference. Take Brave Heart; a great story with incredible war scenes. I would have loved more and longer battles. The same goes for Apocalypse Now. Then there is Under World or Resident Evil. Cough.

Conan O’Bryan, I mean Conan the Barbarian was a big flop. Maybe because he worked out too much instead of learning how to act. I think they remade it a year ago and it did worse than the original; if that is possible. Either way I don’t like barbarians.

His first real success was in the Terminator. What a cool movie. Swartz is pretty much himself as a robot. A robot from Austria. He is sent back to kill the unborn Greg because I will lead the resistance to save mankind from the clutches of Skynet and its evil robots.

A year later Commando came out. This time some evil drug cartel have stolen Arnold’s daughter Samantha Micelli from Who’s the Boss. Why did they kidnap her? I guess they wanted ransom from the show because of its popularity. So Arnold plows through a hundred soldiers to save her and she can return in Who’s the Boss. Which I think was cancelled after that old red hair slut died.

Speaking of Boss, here is just stupid inside story that only my Hogan friends will remember. There was this old Italiano janitor who had this thick accent. He used to say hey boys all the time. But people thought he was saying hey boss instead. So his infamous words caught on and soon the whole damn school called him the boss. Then my school held a retirement assembly dedicated to him. My dickless principle, who I hated for many reasons, said you’re the boss! He meant boys dipshit.

Total Recall is totally awesome! It’s a futuristic movie starring Arnold. It starts off like Vanilla Sky where he is hooked up to some virtual reality thingy but something goes wrong. By now I don’t trust any virtual reality bullshit.  

Do you remember the Virtual Boy by Nintendo? What a stupid idea that was. Who the fuck is going to play videogames standing up looking into some red screen? There was nothing virtual about it. I think they made three games and sold about two.

Back to Total Recall. So he goes to this company Rekall for a virtual trip to Mars as 

a spy. The coolest part is when he can choose what kind of lover he wants. I think he went for sporty. I would go for the Jennifer Love Hewitt model and I’d want to be jet fighter. His memories are wiped clean just like how my memories have been wiped clean because of all of the weed I smoke. Then for whatever reason he becomes a spy for real and helps out some freaks.

Then Arnold starred in Kindergarten Cop as a undercover spy who teaches Kindergarten. This is what I think the writers were thinking: hey Arnold scares the shit out of little kids right. And he has been in dozens of action movies. How about this, he becomes; get this, a kindergarten teacher. How about that. The producer: that’s fucking retarded. But hey Weekend at Burney’s made millions than. And that is fucking retarded.

After that sad movie, Arnold is top of his game in Terminator 2; one of my favorite movies from the 90s. This time Arnold is the good robot and must save John from getting terminated by the liquid metal robot the T-1000. Anything that ends in 1000 is awesome. I wish I had my own terminator; imagine all of the things you could do with a robot that does whatever you want him to do. Sorry sir you going to have to pay for that. Arnold! And then at the end of the movies the black guy dies.

Twins was a stupid move too. Apparently there was some genetic experiment in making the perfect person and Arnold and DeVito are the resulting twins. Arnold is raised by a good family to be intelligent, strong but naïve. However Arnold is no way the perfect person. For one thing he can’t talk. DeVito is the mistake and becomes a petty criminal. They somehow meet and DeVito pretty much uses Arnold. And I feel kind of bad for DeVito playing the ugly mistake. Imagine auditions. Okay DeVito we have the perfect role for you in the new Schwarzenegger movie! You can play the freak of nature. Will you be that freak? And I don’t know if I’d want a twin because you would be so competitive. But I am my own best friend.

True Lies is a great warm hearted movie; it’s got action and comedy. He is a undercover spy and Tom Arnold is the funny side kick. Notice that his name is Arnold and Arnold’s name is Arnold. Pretty weird. So Jaime Curtis from Halloween is Arnold’s wife that is bored with her husband and thinks she is going out with a spy. Well this spy happens to be a phony but Arnold is actually a real spy; what a big misunderstanding. My favorite part is when Curtis, who has a nice bod, is stripping for Arnold but she doesn’t know its Arnold. Oh you hoar.

Again DeVito is paired with Arnold in another stupid movie Junior. So they’re doing research on human fertilization but the board won’t allow the experiment. But the scientist find a loophole. Yes they deicide that Arnold should have the baby. Who the fuck writes this shit, seriously. So the whole running joke is that Arnold, a man, is feeling all of the symptoms of a pregnant woman. Hilarious! For example he grows tender tits. I think only chicks find this crap funny. Now I don’t think Arnold thought his plan through because the baby has got to come out somehow. I don’t know the end but think Arnolds dick explodes and the baby ends up being a hideous freak of nature.

Eraser was watchable but then Arnold’s agent fucks up again by letting Arnold star in his own holiday movie Jingle All the Way. I think he has to get his son a Tickle Me Elmo or some shit for Christmas. And the kid doesn’t have a thick Austria accent.

I never liked the stupid Batman movies from the 90s. Batman was great, with Jack Nicholas, Michael Keaton and Kim Basinger. Batman Returns was stupid because I never liked the Penguin. DeVito plays himself as some midget freak that has a mass army of penguins. Then they made Batman Forever. I was really disappointed because I liked the Riddler played by Jim Carrey and Two Face played by Tom Lee Jones. And then Arnold is Mr. Freeze in the worse Batman ever. At one point there was a car chase scene on some weird fucking building. However the Batman Begins and the Dark Knight were amazing.

After that Arnold made a series of unremarkable films and his career as an actor is pretty much over. Then he ran for Governor. I guarantee everyone thought it would be hilarious to vote him but didn’t think it would actually happen. That’s Hollywood for you. And now California is in huge debt and they are considering legalizing marijuana. Which is awesome? But not the debt, that’s not cool. And then Arnolds character McBaine stars as the stupid politician in the Simpson Movie.