Gambling Man

I love to gamble whether it’s playing poker, watching the game or shooting pool. My dad says it isn’t gambling if you know you’re going to win. You really have to set a limit on how much you are willing to afford to lose and to never try to win you’re money back. I learned that the hard way. I ended up losing a $150 at the casino trying to win my money back in which I could have spent on some beer and a whole lot of Big Macs.

I find when you have money on the line it makes things interesting. I mean nobody would play the slot machines just for fun. I don’t even know why people play the slot machines at all. All you do is press a button and eventually the house is going to win your hard earned money. It’s very addictive because you don’t know when they will hit the jackpot. That’s how a casino makes it money; in the long run the odds are against you. Unless you are playing the slot game in Super Mario Brothas 2. I’m good at winning free lives; it’s all about the timing.

I play in a free poker league and people play differently if there was real money on the line. Sometimes I play a cash game at this guy’s place afterwards. I find the odds of me wining in poker are in my favor. I play with the same idiots that lose all of the time and donate their chips. Thanks for the $30 I’m going to go buy some weed and some five cent candy.

For example this one guy doesn’t know the odds. He always always says he just needed one more club or he almost had a straight. Dude if you have four clubs and you need a club on the river you have less than one out of four chances of hitting it. He would also go all in on preflop when he has pocket Aces and just ruins a good opportunity. He comes out with the blinds and a few chips.

I have a snooker pool table at home and it’s much more difficult to sink a ball than on a normal pool table. The table is larger and the holes are smaller and rounded. You can’t just shoot a ball along the edge and sink it.

I play by bar rules. You can’t scratch and put a ball back on the table. It’s only the other guys turn. I mean if I’m going for the 8 ball and miss because the other guy has five balls blocking it, it’s not my fault. However you have to call your shots or again it’s the other guy’s turn. I also don’t use the rake unless I have to; it’s the woman’s tool. I do the whole behind the back maneuver. And you have to know how to play drunk. With my shaky hands I actually find beer calms my nerves.

I knew a guy that worked at an old pool hall and showed me the bathroom and there were holes in the dry wall. Apparently people punched holes because they were pissed off and lost some serious cash. Hey if the guy brings three cue sticks and his own chalk he must be pretty good.

Funny story, I was at the bar with my brother and two of his friends who are all big guys. I put my buck fifty down. The guy asks if I want to play for five bucks. I clearly said no and that I just want to play for fun. Well he beats me and demands his money and I said no. Then he says he will find me. I wasn’t sure what that meant but I said I’m right here. So later on he and his friend, who I could probably take on both, threaten me. Well my brother said something to the effect that you’re not getting anything and the bouncer who knows my brother kicked them out. Haha bye.

Now this really confused me. Some idiot was trying to hustle me by pretending to not know how to play. He didn’t know how to set up the balls right and he asked me these stupid questions that anyone should know. But he turned out to be a pro. However he didn’t win any money so I guess he doesn’t understand how to hustle. It was just weird.

Roulette odds are pretty good. However some people are just plain stupid. My friend kept saying oh it’s been black eight times in a row it must be red, as if roulette is this magical game. Okay before you play twenty times the odds are that it will be red as much as it will be black. But not afterwards or else people would be making fortunes. In fact a casino will hand you a sheet where you can check off which numbers have and have not been picked. Seriously how deluded are you?

I never really understood black jack. I know how to play and when to double down or stay. But people are very superstitious. People always feel that a dealer is either hot or cold like that makes a difference. Also when people fold or whatever other people get mad because someone took their card.

And then there are people who are addicted to gambling. I think the dealers must feel pretty depressed about taking people’s life’s saving. Oh shoot I just lost all of my money and I need to take a second mortgage on the house. My wife is going to kill me.

I heard that some asshole on the school board ended up taking money and losing more than a hundred thousands dollars. How the fuck does that happen? You think maybe when you lose five thousand dollars you should stop. But oh it’s an addiction and not their fault. Send her to jail. I mean you never hear a heroin addict that gets away with stealing money because it’s not their fault that they are addicted to heroine.

Anyway Super Bowl is coming up soon and I’m excited. I’m not a huge football fan but I will bet on the weakest team to win. I find it more exciting to root for a team if there is money on the line. This time I will be prepared by buying lots of beer and ordering pizza hours in advance. Too bad we have don’t have the American stations and miss out on the funny commercials. I think the Canadian channels have tampon and mutual funds commercials.