Cat Bugler

Do you remember in kindergarten when the teacher asked what you wanted to be when you grow up? A lot of the kids said “teacher” and I bet the teacher loved that. There were chefs, doctors, dentists, pilots and fireman or firewoman. Nobody wanted to be a priest because that’s so gay.

However some were very unlikely, if possible, such as an astronaut, star actor, pop singer or Schwarzenegger. But the teacher would let them dream and let someone else break those dreams later on in their life.

All of the girls wanted to be marine biologists. I hope they don’t care if they have to leave their family and friends behind because there are no marine biologists in Canada. If there was, you would be researching zebra muscles and how zebra muscles affect our ecosystem. Unless you work at Marine Land in Viagra Falls. I mean Niagara Falls.

There's a place I know in Ontario
Where the sealions kiss, so the story goes
It's amazing shows and Friendship Cove

Everyone loves Marine Land
You'll be spinning, diving and soaring high
Our roller coaster ride will fly you to the sky
Now you know what you'll say when you leave here today
Everyone loves Marine Land

Firepeople is a popular choice for kids. I would not want to be one though because fire is my only weakness. Imagine you’re playing Zelda and haven’t saved in a while and the sirens go off. “Give me two minutes please I have to save it or else I have to do it all over again.”

More realistic jobs would be housewife or househusband, waiter, skyscraper windshield wiper, Kiwki Mart clerk, reverse retiree or Little Caesars pizza deliveryman.

I bet few people are actually what they wanted to be as a kid. Whether or not that’s a good thing. Whoever wanted to be janitor, drug dealer or a hooker as their future profession? And who would of thought they will be working at Amazon.com?

You know what I wanted to be? I wanted to be a robber. Seriously, I wanted to be robber. And one other kid wanted to be a cop. I thought it would be fun robbing banks or people’s homes, getting rich and not having to work. Funny, Dane Cook made this joke that he wants to break and enter someone’s home and not take anything. Then the people would be like what the fuck did he steal?

The best time to rob is in the winter on cold and snowy days. Why? Because if you are wearing a black mask with stripped suite nobody would be the wiser. It would be much harder in the summer wearing a black mask and pants. You would look like you’re about to play rugby or rob a bank.

What if someone recognizes you? “Hey Greg Whats with the get up, its summertime dude.” “Oh you didn’t hear. I got burns all over my body and I am a hideous freak.” “Oh shit dude! What happened?” “Well I was saving a little kitten in a fire and got fourth degree burns in the rescue of that kitten. Then the kitten had to be put down and now nobody could love me.”  

I never did become a robber. I guess I grew a conscience and am unable to find guns in Canada. I still loved playing cops and robbers as a kid. Of course everyone wants to be the robbers. But I’m too old for this shit.

If I had to seriously rob someone; it would be at the ATM. Once again it would be winter and very late at night. I would be wearing a mask and I would leave clothes around the corner to change into to for my getaway.

I’d wait for an old lady to come in. Then I’d threaten her with a pair of Sai and I take her phone. I would keep it for that Angry Bird game I’ve been meaning to play. I would say “don’t move or else I will fucking slit your throat grandma and feed you to my fucking dogs!”

I would grab her bank card and demand the password or “I will fucking stab you in the left fucking eye!” Then I would grab an empty envelope and pretend to deposit a thousand dollars and then withdraw as much money as possible.

Then I would tell her to “stay and count from a 100 or else I will murder her grandchildren.” I would ditch the clothes and put on the spare ones I left and disappear into the night. And then I would spend it on the crack I badly needed and the whole reason for the robbery.

If had to rob my friends this is what I’d do and steal. I would stakeout at Irving’s place until Jason and Lisa are gone. Then I would cut a hole in the door and unlock it. Once in, I would have something to eat and drink after a long stakeout. Then I would take all of their movies and video games. They would never think I had it in me. And since nobody plays video games with me at my place they would never know.

Then I’d hit Stickleys in Toronto. I could stay at Mc Cools if he wanted be my accomplice and if he loves danger and intrigue. I would wait the front of Stics’ apartment and eventually someone would let me in. Then I’d use my gizmos and pick open his lock. And there it is his most valuable item; his $3000 Mac and all of his important documents and his prized porno collection.

I would then rob Aaron because he’s rich. I might be visiting him in the spring and that would be the perfect alibi. Once I’m alone I would find his safe and use my knowledge of cracking into safes that I learned at Spy camp. Then I’d would take all of his gold and treasures and hide them in a safe place until I fly home. I’d tell him I won the lottery and bought a segway with it. And I’d tell him that this Mexican person looked pretty suspicious.

But what job would I like for real?  I would love to be a video game designer. I think I wanted to be one back  in grade six when I was learning Hyper Card. I have no skills in art or programming but I have ideas. Some ideas are a new Road Rage game, an outer space flight MMORPP where you can steal other spaceships, a realistic Zombie RPG and Greg the Video Game.