Bad Dog

Doggy Style

I remember in grade six we had this annoying fuckhead teacher Mr. Sutherland. I could write a novel all about this douche. I don’t think it was in the curriculum when he made us do this massive project on dogs. Yes dogs. My Hogan friends would remember this dog insanity. Honestly we had to watch movies about dogs, write essays about dogs and all of this other dog shit. And he never even marked them and we should have been learning more important and useful things like math or science than fucking dogs.

I have a love hate relationship with dogs. I love some dogs and I hate some dogs. A message for all of those dog owners please clean up you’re dog’s shit. I don’t like mowing the lawn and running over a steaming pile of crap. I see people do it all of the time. I never break into their place and piss all over their carpet.

I would love to breed my own dogs and make some fucked up ones like a St Bernard with a Beagle. Or maybe a cross of a sheepdog and Dalmatian. Or how about a cross between Greyhound and a robot that I’d call Robo Hound.

Some dogs are like a car alarm that goes off when anyone within a mile walks by. Only you can turn off a car alarm with a button. Normally with a dog the asshole master says shut up. I said shut up! Bad boy! (Who beasts Bad Boy? Nooo Body!)

My question is why does a dog stay outside at night especially when it’s cold. Bring him inside and discipline it so it doesn’t stay in the windowsill barking at anything that passes by. I recall a couple of months ago people down the street were complaining about an annoying yippy dog. Good, I never hear any barking when I’m walking down the street now.

The problem is that some dogs don’t know any better. A pitbull for example has been breed to keep intruders out and attack rival dogs. So yes a pitbull is the right kind of dog to protect a junkyard. The thing is that there is not really any junkyards around. When you try to train your pitbull not to be aggressive and to be docile you’re fucking with its mind.

So why own a pitbull at all? Every owner of a pitbull says their dog is friendly. Tell that to little Timmy who got bitten by a harmless dog. Their not cute or cuddly so why not get a dog that is. You can’t go wrong with a golden retriever or Jack Russell Terrier. They very friendly and great for kids.

However no matter how peaceful you’re dog is, even a golden retriever, they should be on a leash. I go for walks on the nature trail and see dogs without a leash roaming around even though there are obvious signs everywhere. They are breaking the law. My cousin has a German Sheppard and she says it would attack another dog if it came towards him, even on a leash. I also heard of some Great Dane killing a smaller dog.

So I’m smoking some weed and walking down the nature trail at night and two German Sheppards come racing right at me. I panic, and think what should I do? Do I stand my ground or run away or what? And the owner is “oh don’t worry about them.” Hey bitch (the owner not the dogs) how the fuck am I suppose to know? Are they wearing a sign saying we won’t bite you? And how do they know; you’re not inside the dogs’ mind. However if you’re dog is chihuahua I’m just going to boot it right in the face and laugh. I also delivered pizza to some lady in the ghetto and her fucking Doberman Pincher comes running at me like I’m a giant bone and the lady is oh don’t worry about him…

I hate cops. I remember back in High School they do random locker checks with drug sniffing dogs. Do they have the right to search you? Well idiot gets busted. I don’t know if he got kicked out or what over a little pot. So just because of some harmless weed it fucks up his future. I bet he narc one his dealer.

Here is a classic story. Sometimes me and my brother would smoke weed in the car and leave bits and pieces on the floor. Well I’m going over the bridge to shop and there was a long lineup. I see the cops with their dogs checking all of the vehicles and I notice a small crumb of weed by my feet. And the dog starts barking at me and I’m like fuck off you mutt! I’m freaking out. Well the cop tells me to pull over and searches my car and they find nothing. Then they made me do these tests such as pressing my hands against a pad. They found nothing and I’m on my way.

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, which is true. It’s the same how old people can’t learn to use a computer. I would teach the whole handshake, roll over, speak and back massage.

Do you ever wonder if you could teach your dog to eat you’re homework on purpose? “Look Mrs. Delorme, Fido has chewed my essay and my floppy disc; can I have an extension on my essay about the early Judicial System of Canada?” “Arrhgg I’m a pirate. Sure.” Mrs. Delorme was my 8^th grade teacher with one big eye and who had a 4.0 grade average.

I kept asking my friends to put some dog shit in a paper bag and set it on fire on her porch just like they did in Billy Madison. I saw her a while ago and she didn’t even recognize me.  Or maybe she pretended not to recognize me. But she definitely remembered Stickley, only she had greater expectations of him.

Why do people let dogs retrieve the paper? You only have to walk a couple of feet to get it. The dog just slobbers all over it. Damn you Fido you’re ruined my Mc Donald buy two Big Macs for six bucks coupon and got gunk, that isn’t mine, all over my Lindsay Lohan Playboy magazine.

We took care of my mom’s friend’s Jack Russell Terrier for about six months. His name was Doogie and I even wrote my sixth grade speech on him. Russell’s are very smart; Frasier’s dad had Eddy on the show.  But Doogie had some disease and had to have one eye removed. However they put a patch of fur over it and he was still cute as ever. So it was up to me to take him on walks and I always gave him extra treats so he’d like me the best.

People pay a lot of money on their pets. No wonder so many doctors have become veterinarians. My mom cuts my hair and picks the lice out for free. They have to get Kibbles and Bits for a nice sheen coat. I feel bad for people paying for so much to their St. Bernard dog food. And I hate dog shows. Unless your dog can open a bottle of beer or play Nintendo I’m not impressed.

I hate poodles so much, especially when they have half of their hair cut. Whenever I see one I think of some high class ritzy old lady with her poodle “Princess.” And the dog acts like it’s so snooty and thinks it’s dog shit don’t stink. And I hate when people carry their miniature rat dogs in their purse like Paris Hilton. I also hate those dogs that their stomach drags on the ground and look like a fucking hot dog.

My dad loves our neighbor’s Bulldog. I love his face and his wrinkles. It’s the nicest dog ever. It never barks and is on an electric leash just to be safe.  My grandparents owned a Boston Terrier; you don’t see many of those around. And who could forget Aaron’s dog Sasha. He is like a domesticated Husky. I laughed when Sasha got out of the yard and ran away with Aaron’s family chasing after him. But despite all of their power Sasha died, at 82 years young. Doug told Aaron that they gave Sasha away to some farm where he can chase birds. And Aaron is like why! Don’t leave me Sasha!

I never liked Lassie dogs because well they’re Lassie. Every time one starts to bark I’m thinking little Timmy has fallen down the well or something. “Bark. Bark” “what's this Lassie? Little Timmy has been taken hostage by drug dealers?” “Bark, bark” “They have cut off his thumb and demand ransom? Lead the way Lassie.”