College

Back To School

Have you ever wonder if you could go back in time and do things differently with all your knowledge and experience? Take freshman year. Your first year of college is your best year of your life. You are never going to be as good looking and get as drunk.

But I would have done things very differently. So here is a blog for all you college freshmen.

You have no curfew and there are tons of hot chicks. I mean they are in their prime and are just as horny as the guys. College is definitely the time and place to hook up. Girls don’t give a shit if you are majoring in film or are failing Spanish.

That all changes once you drop out or graduate in philosophy. You’re not getting any good action if you are the late night manager at Burger King. Because no decent chick wants to live with a guy who lives in his parents’ basement.

Buy nice clothes. Good fashion sense can go a long way with the ladies. So spend some money and you will never outgrow them unless you gain forty pounds. And get nice Joe boxers too. However some of my clothes all of the sudden seem lame and out of style. It’s all about the 80s now with tight jeans and fluorescent colors.

So you’re finally on your own. You definitely want your own room or your own shower because unless you have a girlfriend or different class schedule than your roommate, you will have a walking hardone. I lucked out all three years. I had my own bedroom and bathroom and cable. Thank the good Lord for television! It has been there so many times for me.

College is the best place to socialize. First off you can change you’re identity or start off fresh. Get it? Freshman. I remember girls down the hall were drinking for their very first time out of peer pressure. Even the guys. Take my friend Machado. All throughout high school we asked if he wanted to party with us; but he didn’t want to. So a year later he came back as this huge pothead and drunk. And he says “it’s all about the ladies.” Haha, ya right.

My first two years my whole hallway hung out. However by my third year I barely hung out with anyone. Thank God I had an awesome roommate because the only time we heard of our neighbors is when they filed a noise complaint against us. Look bitches, just knock on our door and ask us to lower the volume. Don’t go tattling on us at the front desk. And some of the guys down the hall would play magic cards nonstop. Haha. Losers! I play Warhammer.

I say this time and time again, carpe diem! Socialize and make some memories. Live! Don’t be afraid to make new friends and hang out. As far as they know you’re cool. Whatever you don’t just hang out in your room all year and miss the experience. There is plenty of time to hang out in your room when you are unemployed or are a reverse retiree.

And trust me; don’t try too hard in school. I mean in my third year I would spend like four more hours studying to get a four percent better mark. And it didn’t really matter anyway as long as I passed.

So Idiot me fucked up a couple of times because of studying. At the end of my first year one really hot chick asked if I wanted to hang out and study with her. But I told her I had my last two exams the next day and I said I was too busy. Fuck me! And I never saw her again. I did get good marks though.

First year classes are a joke. You obviously want a schedule with afternoon classes and most on the same day, so you leave yourself with a long weekend.  If you can’t handle a class, drop out right away or it will fuck your average. I gave up computers. Good choice because I would never become a programmer. You either have it or don’t have it in you.

And most of all, college is about getting wasted! Here’s a big suggestion, have some fun; smoke weed and drink beer. In college that’s the cool thing to do. When you’re thirty like me it isn’t such a good attribute. But pace yourself. Either smoke weed or drink, don’t do both. Trust me they are a bad combination. Almost every bad hangover I had was because this or drinking hard liquor way too fast. But I love those drinking games!

I was very cheap my first year. I was smoking pot for free but I had barely any money left over for beer. I was too cheap to use dial a beer and would end up carrying a case two miles back from the beer store. Sometimes I missed out on getting drunk with the guys. You might as well spend your money and have a good time.

By the way if you don’t know, we Canadians can only buy beer at the Beer store or the Liquor store. We can’t just go to any random Kiwki mart any time of day. However our drinking age is only 19 years and by college most of us can hit the bars. So go to the keg parties, they are awesome. When you’re thirty, you might feel a little out of place.

And there is nothing wrong with playing video games. It’s funny but there are a lot of decent looking girls that like Mario Kart, Doctor Mario, Mario Party or any other Mario games. We played all of the time. Now I hardly have the chance to play video games with the guys. Playing Mario Kart 64 alone just isn’t as fun.

One cool thing about college is that you can download music and shows fast. I had almost every decent song there is in existence and all of my favorite shows. And then my computer crashed. Guess why. One thing I noticed is that there aren’t any really good realistic college movies like Dazed and Confused. But here are some college movies to get you pumped up and ready for college!

College is a good movie about, you got it; college. Its one of those movies that are only funny when you are drunk. Of course I don’t remember much of it except for the part with the guy who likes like Chewbacca. Rooaar.

It’s much better than those stupid American Pie  movies. The first American Pie was awesome, the second was alright and I heard Reunion is great. Then they have a million ones with Eugene Levin it for whatever reason. I love looking at tits but I don’t need to rent American Pie Beta Whatever anymore to see them.

Van Wilder is an awesome movie when Tara Reid was still smoking hot. I’m sure you have already seen it. Just don’t watch any other Van Wilder movies. There are a million funny quotes but I like semi serious one: “if you're always thinking about the future, then you kinda forget about the present.” So true.

Dead Man on Campus is another college classic. The plot is that two roommates are failing and have heard of this loophole where if your roommate dies you get straight As. So they go around trying to find depressed roommates. And it’s got Zack from Save by the Bell!

Road trip is another hilarious movie starring Tom Green. Say what you will I still love the guy. I have all of his shows. I loved the “where’s my dinner bitch” statue. My farthest road trip was to Toronto and nothing exciting ever happened when we went to rest stops and shit.

Animal House is the most notorious college movie ever. Nay one of the most notorious movies ever. It stars John Belushi and an all-star cast. It was made during the late seventies and set in the fifties. I love John and I love togas! There are so many classic scenes but I would fuck them up trying to write them.

Beer Fest is the greatest movie about drinking. I always watch before I go out to do some serious drinking. And when I watch it alone I don’t feel like a such a loser because I’m drinking with them. It’s just like how when I watch Harold and Kumar and they smoke weed; I feel like smoking weed.

Revenge of the Nerds is one of my favorite 80s movies. Everyone loves Bugger and Ogre. My favorite part was when the nerds hooked up cameras in the women’s dorm. My mom would tell me to look away. Then they made Nerds Two Nerds in Paradise. Cough.

Undergrads is actually this sleeper hit cartoon about, well undergrads. It’s hilarious trust me. My favorite character is Gimpy and my favorite episode is the Risk one. Download it; there are only about a dozen episodes.

And Old School is not only my favorite college movie, its my one of my favorite movies. Will Farrell is so funny. My favorite part is the party where Farrell gets hammered and goes streaking. If you haven’t seen it then drop what you’re doing and go download it now and funnel some beers! My record is three.