Foot In Mouth

Big Foot In Mouth

I put my foot in my mouth so many damn times I can eat a turkey whole. And I have big feet. Just the other day I put my foot in my mouth while playing hockey. We have the best players on my team but we always lose because our goalie bites. He can’t even save the weakest of shots; it’s almost like he is in slow motion. I think a broom could do a better job.

It’s the goalie and his equally useless brother’s first time playing hockey. He also sucks; he can’t even skate nor do anything really. He looks like an old man with a cane and it’s like a penalty every time he is on. And I keep passing it to him by accident. But I still like the brothers, they’re nice and all.

Now it’s a non competitive league and I don’t normally get angry but I was frustrated. So I’m talking to my fellow defenseman and I say “holly shit our goalie sucks balls. Eh” Well his brother was sitting right beside me and I just change subjects fast. I guess I had my skate in my mouth. Ha-ha.

I never realize how many times I say fuck, shit, damn, Hell, bitch or for Christ’s sake. I remember as a kid we were strictly forbidden to use swears words or even words similar to swear words like “frickin.” My mom said I was allowed to say darn or shucks. For fuck sakes. I remember in recess a long time ago my friend said “fuck” and we were all shocked. Anyway I have a problem with swearing in front of kids all of the fucking time. That’s like choking on a size fifteen foot. Ha-ha.

I used to have a huge problem of making fat jokes in front of fat people. I try not to pick on heavy girls now. But one time I was at poker, we were making fun of this skinny kid we called Skeletor. I said he was going out with this really fat chick that is twice his size and said that was gross. And two full figured girls were standing right there. And then I changed subjects fast. I have said things about fat chicks in front of fat chicks so many darn tooting times in the past.

I have made an earlier blog about how I think French immersion is a stupid idea so here is a recap. If you don’t know already, Canada is bilingual because of winy French people. A big number of Quebec people always want to separate and form their own independent nation. I say let them, good riddance, they are leeches. I hate how my Fruit Loops have the French language on them because I’m sure they know what Fruit Loops are. And I hate getting a French manual for Zelda even though the game is only in English.

Anyway the big point of French immersion is that since we are a bilingual nation, bilingual people get paid more and such if they know both languages. This is true but I think this is stupid for several reasons. First off those very government jobs that need bilinguals will be filled, except of course French teachers, and now bilinguals will be left with broken English. And not every parent will be able to teach their kids English or help with their French homework. I could go on but I’m getting way off track.

So at hockey in the change room I petty much have said to my teammate what I just wrote. And then he says his kids are in French immersion and they know how to speak English perfectly fine. Whoops. So I was like, “yeah I guess you’re right I don’t know much about it. I was just joking…” 

The funniest part is that I said this whole story all over again at poker, including the part of saying I think it’s stupid in front of person whose kids are in French immersion. Her kids were also in French immersion. Whoops. And then I even said it all over again in front of someone else. Whoops. And if people with kids in French immersion read this I’m sure they would get pissed off because it’s a terrible, terrible idea.

The biggest foot in mouth incidence was at soccer; so I guess I had my cleats in my mouth. Ha-ha. Every year Toronto holds Caribana, which is this huge multi cultural festival. I was visiting Stics on that very weekend and I noticed there were only black people and hardly any white people. But I’m not racist or anything.

So a week later my soccer team was on the stands watching another game before ours. I was talking to my teammate and I was joking that I was at Caribana and “there were so many black people there, I was kind of scared.” And then the only black person in the league is sitting right in front of me and turns around and says “you better be scared!” I was stuttering and making incoherent noises and was like uhhh sorry. Awkward. Good thing he moved up to an older league the following year. I hope I won’t ever run into him again because I’m scared of him. Not because he’s black; he’s just a big scary guy.