The Mighty Ducks

The Mighty Fucks

The Mighty Ducks would be a funny movie if I was a kid. Except for Teen Wolf or that football movie with Dawson, I was never a big fan of sport movies. They always have the same big comeback at the end or find out the chick can play football too.  Spoiler alert! Charlie wins the game by scoring the winning goal by using the triple deke. Yes the triple deke. Works every time.

It stars Emilio, the jock from the Breakfast Club, and an all-star lineup of annoying kids. I would have to be ten to enjoy that humor. So Emilio is a hardcore lawyer that gets busted for drinking and driving. How ironic, he could defend others but not himself. So for community service he has to coach a shitty hockey team called District 9. Whatever.

He himself used to play hockey for the Hawks but quit after losing the winning goal when he had a penalty shot. This has been plaguing him ever since, even though his team fucked up too by getting scored on afterwards. Blame the defense or the goalie and not yourself. It shows that losing scene like ten times. I feel for you man.

I too have a dark secret. I lost the regional championship game of bowling. I had to get a spare or a strike but I missed one pin. And then I missed the pin by an inch the next frame. We should have won! But the Seagulls took home the RBC Bowling Trophy. I never played again. But the game didn’t change. I did. So after ten years I laced up my bowling shoes, put on my glove and reached for my ball, Striker, and I’m back at the game I so dearly love.

So not only did they all sucked balls, they didn’t have any proper equipment. Like one kid had a biker helmet with no face shield and I hope he doesn’t get hit in the mouth or there goes his teeth. This has seriously happened in my league. But especially the fat goalie Goldberg, he didn’t even have a proper mask or pads. No wonder he was scared. There were so many times Goldberg would just dive out of the way or let in a shitty, shitty goal. I think garbage can could be a better goalie.

You know how in movies they always tie in corporate advertisements; like some guy drinking a Pepsi Cola. Which is an awesome soda and I truly recommend its awesomeness. The key is to be subtle. So the team gets a corporate sponsor and the kids hit the hockey store. All of the equipment is made by Easton and the kids go wild over it. They might as well hire a hypnotist to say “you want to buy Easton. Only winners wear Easton equipment. Do you want to be cool? Not buying Easton skates brings you pain.” And since Emilio’s boss is Duckworth’s he comes up with the name the Ducks.

.

So Emilio must face his own former team the Hawks. Their coach Jack Reilly is an asshole. I have never heard of such an evil and cocky coach that will win at all costs. This is peewee hockey, not the NHL. I mean he’s like some Disney villain. I wonder what his day job is, if he had one. I mean Emilio is a successful lawyer and if the Ducks lose he can still make fun of the coach’s lame job. The Hawks chant is “win win win,” over again. That’s retarded. And then the Duck’s chant is “quack, quack, quack.” That’s also retarded and annoying.

Am I the only that noticed that all of the Hawks are blond white kids? Are they aryan or what? One kid actually called three ducks an oreo cookie. The Ducks on the other hand have a multi-cultural team. Is this because the makers of the film think multi-culturist kids live in the ghetto and can’t afford equipment while the Hawk players are from some preppy white neighborhood?

Charlie is the star player.  His mom is single parent who can’t find a man because of her luggage. I knew there was chemistry with her and Emilio right from the beginning. So Charlie wants his mother to go out with Emilio and maybe he will fuck her. I’m sure he scored. Haha.

Emilio can get annoying at times. There are a ton of misunderstandings where he says his team are losers or the team sucks cock. So they find out a hawk should be playing for them because he lives within their district. This really bugs me that they whine and bitch and Emilio loses his job over this. What a douche move, that’s something a total dick would do. And then the kid gets injured anyway.

I guarantee the actors didn’t even play in the hockey game scenes. I think they got stunt kids to actually play the hockey players because the kids are clearly such good actors but can’t actually play. One kid gets smoked in the head and there is a fucking dent in the helmet. But don’t call an ambulance or anything. Just take him off the ice and walk it off. And you can’t just check a guy at the face-off

There are actually girls playing in the same league. Normally they end up being the best players. But no. My problem is that it’s a lose, lose situation when you face girls. You either body checked a girl or a girl body checks you. One of the stupidest parts is when some figure skater creates a diversion by spinning around. And I guarantee just because they are ducks they did the whole flying vee shit. This can’t possible work in a real game.

So the climax of the movie is when the Ducks take on the Hawks. It’s all up to Charlie to score and win the game with the tripe deke. Obviously this is reflects how Emilio missed his chance. The goalie didn’t even try. So the Ducks win and by celebrating the game they drink pop and throw some at Emilio. You are supposed to drink beer or champagne, losers. And Emilio finally hooks up with Charlie’s mom. In the end Charlie returns to the game and gets on the bus to play in the minors despite the fact that Charlie is clearly not big enough to play.

The Mighty Ducks was a Disney movie and because they can afford it they made the NHL team the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. Really? That’s so lame. I don’t even know if people in Anaheim have heard of hockey. I mean Canadians like me are called Snow Birds because we go to Florida in the winter and watch a Tampa game. Besides ducks are kind of annoying.

Here are some funny quotes from the movie Night at the Roxbury:

Kattan: So anyways, I was standing there waiting to use the pay phone.

Ferrell: Yeah, he was, seriously

Kattan: And this guy who was on the phone, turns around and tips his hat like this.

Ferrell: And who do you think that guy was?

Kattan: Emilio Estevez.

Ferrell: The Mighty Duck man, I swear to God, I was there

Kattan: Of course you were, you were the one who yelled the Breakfast Clubber's name.
Ferrell: I was like, "Emilio.”