Boring Sports

I love pretty much all sports, activities and games. Hockey is my favorite to watch and play. The games are close and exciting. The whole score can change in a matter of seconds. I like the body checks, sweet goals and I think everyone except old ladies love the fights.  I also like to play and watch soccer.

So the reason I chose these is sports is, if they are even sports, is because nothing new or exciting ever happens. They are boring to play and even more boring to watch from the stands. And even more boringer to watch at home. The only fun part is drinking beer while watching it. And I love drinking beer pretty much anywhere.

Sumo Wrestling

Sumo wrestling is where two really overweight guys try to get the other guy out of the circle or onto the ground. It’s a Japanese sport, but I have no clue how it originated. Did one day people thought it would be hilarious if two fat guys go at it without punching? I do recall in the wicked movie Bloodsport where the sumo took on the African monkey guy and just crushed him. Then Van Damn punched him in the junk.

Sumo Wrestling is the only one sport where athletes want to be fat to play. That would be fun to eat anything and how much of anything you want without feeling guilty. “Dammit, I’m only three hundred pounds. All of this butter eating isn’t working and the buffets won’t serve me anymore. I need something even greasier. It’s time to hit Taco Bell.”

I don’t know if they have weight divisions. I mean would welter weight division be like 300 pounds and super heavy weight be a 1000 pounds?  I wish they would wear shorts or at least boxers when they fight. I mean it would be gross if their belt up their ass falls apart. And I wonder if these fat slobs get the girls? Their women must be on top or else they would crush them.

NASCAR

I know a lot a of people who enjoy NASCAR. I don’t though, it all seems the same to me. All you see is cars going supper fast and whizzing by. And then the pit crew guys change a tire or whatever they do. I wonder what their day job is like. “We got a customer! Someone needs a new tire. Its twenty minutes away. We should be there in five and it will only take 30 seconds to change it.”

I don’t have a sick personality but I only thing I enjoy are the crashes. Maybe if they didn’t have so many damn advertisements they could see better. Their car and even their clothes have ads on them. Even on their crutch. And what kind of food do rednecks like anyway. “Hmm I see this ad for Bettie Crocker on his ass; sounds delicious. Oh did you see that car that just passed the other car? That was awesome!” And boat racing is even worse than NASCAR but I have nothing really to say about it.

Baseball

I never really played baseball. I could never throw. I throw like a girl. Maybe even worse than a girl. Maybe I throw like an old lady with Parkinson disease. I don’t remember me and my dad ever playing catch. We kicked the soccer ball around instead.

The only fun thing about baseball is getting up to bat and running bases. The problem is that if your team sucks, you might hardly have a chance to get up to bat. In soccer or other sports your whole team plays at the same time and you can have bench warmers for all of the shitty players. But in baseball only the pitcher gets to play most of the time. If you are in outfield then you might catch a ball what like every once in a while. Baseball is just so damn slow.

Again, nothing exciting ever happens. At the bars I like to watch the sports channel with the highlights. They show sweet putts, awesome goals, nice saves and fights. And then some double play for all of those baseball fans. I mean I can only watch so many home runs or good catches.

Bowling

Don’t get me wrong, I love to go bowling. I can’t put any spin on it so I just try to bowl right down the center. I always pick a ball with big holes that are close together. I like to make bets with my friends and I get excited when they fuck up. The problem is that I always get eight or nines and no strikes or spares.

But who the fuck is going to watch it on T.V.? “Wow he just got another strike and has bowled a perfect game! I am lucky to live to be alive to witness such awe-inspiring and legendary match that will go down in the records.” The only cool thing is when they have a seven ten split.

Finally one of my favorite stories was when I was bowling with some friends. We were bedside this lonely guy who I guess doesn’t have anyone to play along with. I mean who goes alone?  Okay, he brought his own ball and shoes. And he had one glove like he’s Michael Jackson. But he had his own towel that he would wipe his ball before any roll.

So my blond friend, who is a perfect ten and way, way out of my league, is up. She was going to grab a ball and asked if it was his. And get this; he actually said “you couldn’t handle my ball.” Haha. Fag.