Thieves

Shoplifters Will Be Prosecuted to the Fullest Extent of the Law

Do you remember in Kindergarten when they asked what job you would want to do when you grow up. There were marine biologists, astronauts, chefs, teachers and even a cop. I wanted to be a robber. I thought it would be fun robbing money from banks and stealing treasures from museums.

But I got older and I grew a conscience. I have never stolen anything in my life. When I was younger my brother took some fishing lures from Canadian Tire. I freaked out. “Wwwhat, what are, what are you doing? No, you can’t do that. Nooo. Put it back. No.”

I have some morals. I normally I don’t condone theft. Even if I had an invisibility potion I would never take anything from someone else with a few exceptions. Let’s say you have a son little Timmy who is suffering from some rare disease and you can’t afford some new medication. Would you steal from the hospital? I would hope so. Or how you can’t afford to feed your family. That’s a bit of a grey area for me because you can always buy Kraft dinner or hit the soup kitchen.

With that invisibility potion would you steal from Bill Gates or Oprah? I would because they are rich and I’m sure they won’t even notice that I stole ten grand from the vault. But I would never steal from average people. Unless they’re total assholes. I just don’t like taking advantage of other people and making them all overprotective and paranoid. That’s why every time I leave the house my mom makes me lock the door even if I’m gone out for only five minutes.

I would never steal from a store, even if it is a massive chain like Wal-Mart. Just because it bothers me when people take advantage when given the chance to. It jacks up the prices for customers and increases security.

You know in Wal-Mart how they have the “greeter” at the front of the store. They usually stick some old dude that says hello all day. But they’re really there when the detectors go off to check if the electronic thingy has been removed or if someone tried hiding items in a bag, suitcase or whatever. They don’t accuse said shoplifter but say you forgot to pay for this item. When I was working there I saw this all go down a couple of times. Hilarious. I mean why risk stealing from a store with a million cameras? It would totally suck balls if you are banned and can never shop there anymore. Where are going to shop now? K-Mart?

I have personally been robbed a couple of times. A long time ago me and my brother had some new badass bikes. The garage door was unlocked and some douches stole them. I always wanted to know who had done this. I hope they get hit by a car riding my bike. Seriously. I wish when they are quadriplegics they would be thinking “why Lord? I should have never had stolen this bike and all of this would never have happened. I’m sorry Lord. I want another chance. I’m sorry!”

Another time some punk kids stole my wallet. I left it in the in the car and I forgot to lock it because my hands were full. It just so happens that they came along that very night. They didn’t close the door as not to wake up people.

Fine take my twenty bucks but if you a shred of decency don’t take my drivers license, health card, bank card or my Burger King Kids Club Member card. That’s a bitch waiting in line and getting them all over again. I hope the robbers get robbed themselves. That would be karma. And Jennifer Love Hewitt stole my heart.

I have been cheated too. Sometimes I look up the classifieds to see if any electronics or video games are available. One time I bought a 27 inch television for a hundred bucks from some redneck. He told me they have upgraded. Sure enough it seemed okay. Two weeks later I hook it up and after a while it didn’t work. My dad tried to return it but they didn’t have any money and my dad just told me fine they’re too poor, let it go. And then I did it again at a garage sale.

I guess downloading is a crime too. What’s the worse that could happen? “We are the Royal Canadian Mounties and we found out you illegally downloaded Fat Chicks Orgy 5 and Mexican Shemales 3. You’re going down for this.”

Illegal downloading is a farce. I’m not going to buy each song for dollar. Sure it’s sounds okay paying for your favorite fifty songs. But would cost me a grand for a thousand songs whereas I could just download using Limewire, or whatever, for free.

There are all of these rock star pussies that don’t like downloading. That doesn’t rock for me. They must make a decent amount doing concerts and touring. If you release a solid record, than fine I will dish out fifteen bucks. But not if you are a one hit wonder. No matter how much I love the song Who Let the Dogs Out I’m not going to listen to the rest of their crap.

But if I could steal something I would steal that cardboard cutout of a cop saying theft is a crime that they have at the front of a store. That would be funny and ironic. I would put it beside my movie and video game collection.