Top Ten Annoying Animals

1. Sharks

Sharks are fucking cool. I have caught a small blue eyed shark deep sea fishing. It’s the part where the eat people that annoys me. That’s one of the reasons why I will never swim in the ocean. I live by the Great Lakes, which is freshwater, and I have nothing to worry about. “Everyone out of the water, someone has spotted a large mouth bass!”

2. Skunks

I always wondered how the skunk evolved and ended up being so smelly they can scare off anything. Are they naturally smelly and can they spray each other? I did run into one near downtown London, Ontario. I froze and then slowly backed off and I made a two km detour. I’ve heard tomato juice helps if you are sprayed. I wonder who tried tomato juice for the first time. “Okay mustard and relish won’t work. How about ketchup?”

3. Seagulls

Seagulls are annoying; they are like French fry vultures. Ha-ha I mean freedom fry vultures. You can’t even leave your freedom fries alone for one second. And little kids keep feeding them. By the way I have never seen a baby seagull or one of their nests. You would think they have high blood pressure from all of that salt and vinegar. I don’t know if this is a myth or not but I have heard if you feed them Alka-Seltzer their stomachs will explode.

4. Alligators

Alligators scare the shit out of me. I’ve told everyone about my terrifying encounter of the alligator at the golf course too many damn times. But my uncle told me a story where a guy he knows was playing fetch with his dog by the pond.  He claimed there were no alligators. He was wrong. Doggone wrong. Also, I can’t believe the crocodile hunter was killed by a sea ray of all things.

5. Carp

There is a certain carp species that are known as flying fish because they jump like crazy. Well they have somehow penetrated the Great Lakes; possibly by a ship. They are invasive and are eating all of the damn plants and natural wildlife. Now I would never eat carp although Asian people love it. However I did try catfish. Eww. I say we kill them all off… by any means possible.

6. Ostriches

Ostriches are one of the ugliest birds. I saw one at the animal farm. I don’t even know what they are good for. They look stupid and visitors can’t feed or pet them. I actually tried to feed it a stick and bit it right off. I guess I should have trusted the sign. However I do remember riding them in Super Mario 2. They are one of the birds I that I wish would just go extinct.

7. Crows

Crows just sound annoying. Caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw. They will eat almost anything. Including man. Ha-ha I don’t know but I hear they will eat other birds. A group of crows is called a murder. That is pretty badass. There are a variety of crows and I wonder how bird watchers mark down birds they see on their bird list. “I saw a black crow! I just started and I have already seen five birds! Next stop the freedom fry truck. There must be seagulls there.”

8. Pigs

Okay baby potbelly pigs are cute and all. But when you call some chick a pig, you don’t mean she’s cute. “Hey piggy.” “What did you call me?” “I said you’re cute as a potbelly pig.” “Oh you.” Pigs are pigs and they get older, fatter and uglier. Kind of like Brittney Spears. I don’t know why anyone would want a pet pig unless you’re going to roast it. You can’t really pet them, they don’t do any real tricks and they like rolling in the mud. But I hear they are intelligent. In fact I’m thinking of some Canadian bacon right now.

9. Geese

Canadian geese are the most annoying animals alive. They besmirch my nation’s good name. I don’t know why they are protected; they have no natural predators except maybe hunters. All they do is graze and shit green shit everywhere. And I mean everywhere. They sound irritating and they don’t move out of the damn way. I wonder where they go in the winter and why they just don’t stay there.

10. Man

People can be so annoying.