Halloween

Trick Or Treaty

I love Halloween because I love candy! Especially free candy. As a kid I was hardcore, I actually had a route that I planed weeks ahead of time. I planned which neighborhoods to hit and when. For example you hit the most popular and dense areas first before they run out of candy and then hit the richer houses last. They usually have way too much candy left and give quite a treat.

When my friends are all tucked out I hit the same houses again. I liked to start early around five when all of the little kids start. I preferred to go with only one or two friends because I was quicker on feet. I was actually pissed off one year because everyone was messing around and having a good time and not moving fast enough. I was like come on guys stop messing around! Do you want candy or don’t you? I would also run to each door so the candy giver would be ready for my slow moving friends. And I used pillow cases; they are big, light and won’t rip. My dad would also meet us at a check point to store our bags and give us new pillow cases.

What I really hate were cans of pop. I can get pop anytime I want and it’s too damn heavy to carry around. I usually jettison them and watch it explode. I rather have raisons. And who could forget about UNICEF. It just takes a while to wait for someone to grab some change. I think I kept it one year because I was needy.

And what’s the deal with people leaving the candy by the door and having a sign asking just take one. I hate to be a cynical but I guarantee kids aren’t going to take that advice. Whats worse is those people who are too cheap or lazy to hand out candy. Bastards! These are the homes you throw eggs at.

At the end of the day my brother and I would get down to business and makes some trades. We would empty our candy on the floor and compare our treasure. I know my brother likes chips and I like suckers; a fair trade. But some of our deals got complicated. I’ll trade my Wonder bar for your Mr. Big if you give me three liquorish and some nerds for half that Kit Kat and five of mine life savers and those nuts you don’t even like. And I know you have your eyes set on my giant size Twix.

 

I love dressing up. When I was little my mom picked out our costumes, such as cheetahs, soldiers and pirates. My brother got the hat, the hook and the sword and I was left with the gun and the eye patch. Arrrgg I took me eye patch off right away. Arrgg trick or treat. Arrgg you want me to do a trick? No trick arrg candy now. Aarrg fine I’ll kick you in the nuts. Arrgg pop? Arrgg.

I’m a huge Zelda fan and thought I would be Link one year. I wore green clothes and a green hat my mom made and I wield the Master Sword, which was really just a little plastic toy. So I am Link but every one thought I was goddamn Peter Pan. And my mom made me wear a coat over my costume.

As I got older I would make my own costumes. I was searching the closet for old clothes our costumes my parents wore. My mom dressed up as an Asian person with those Asian hats. And right off the bat I became Raiden for Mortal Kombat. I used the same hat again for another costume as a Vietnam sweat shop person and wore Nike clothes.

My dad was a Middle Eastern person with authentic clothing and a big nose. And again as soon as I saw it I thought I had to be a suicide bomber. Now calm down! Calm down. Calm down. This was like over fifteen years ago when it was only Palestine’s and Islam’s blowing each other up. I had to be the funniest and realistic costume ever. So I wore the robes, beard and dynamite. I made the dynamite out of these red golf club tubes, wires and black tape.

People loved it but nobody even took a picture for the year book and my moms photos got messed up too while developing them. There were these stupid and lame costumes like some dude dressing up as a chick that ended up in the year book. Ha-ha, a guy dressed as chick, what an original idea because he’s a guy wearing a wig and dress. Ha-ha. It was a total popularity contest because the makers of the year book only took pictures of their friends.

Now most people don’t know who Mel Far Superstar is. He was an ex football player turned car salesman from Detroit that wore a yellow business suite, a red tie and a red cape. So I found a yellow suite and again it clicked and I knew I had to be Mel Far. Too bad I’m not black but I am dark. So I actually found a red sheet as the cape and red tie. Some people loved it; some people had no idea what I was until I told them I was Mel Far. And they were like ooh Mel Far, awesome!

So we held the contest in the cafeteria with all of the best costumes for each class. I thought I deserved it, but no some idiot won. His costume was, get this, the greatest masturbator. That’s right the greatest masturbator because he masturbates a lot. He wore fishing equipment and sex toys and shit. If you just saw him you would have no fucking clue what he was. It’s not like hmm fisherman uh bait, dildos or oh he’s the greatest masturbator. Ingenious! First prize! Again it was all a popularity contest.

I love South Park; I got the idea of dressing up as Kenny. So I went to Value Village and bought an orange hoody and an orange pants and brown gloves. I also dressed up as an alcoholic with my beer helmet and Coors light t-shirt. I dressed up as my professor because he dressed this certain style. For those who had him as a professor loved it. And I also was Freddy Krueger with the claws and used an inside out mask to look like a burn victim. A mask that I took off in five minutes because I couldn’t see out of it or breath.

And Halloween is a chance for girls to wear slutty clothing. Not to be sexist but girls don’t normally wear clever costumes. Most of them are a devil, an angel or a cat. Meow. Still really, really hot though.

I have seen a lot of good costumes too. One of my roommates dressed as a smurf with only the clothes he had in his room. I’ve seen a couple of guys dressed as the Trail Park Boys. I’ve seen a guy dressed up as Boba Fett. It was sweet, I’d wear it everyday. I’m thinking of wearing my mom’s fake fur coat, buying a cane and becoming a pimp. I know it’s been done before but it’s a sweet coat.

There a lot lame costumes too. Like the pirate, the inmate and the bum. You might as well just wear your uniform and dress as yourself. What really scare me are clowns. Yikes! Seriously they do not make me laugh at all. They give me nightmares. I’m just like Kramer. And some chick knocked on my door at ten with no costume. I couldn’t give a shit and let her have a Twix.

My mom actually made this realistic witch, which took hours to make. It was so scary that little kids wouldn’t go near our house. It was awesome; we had it since I was little. For years people have always loved it. And then one year punk teenagers trashed it. Thanks assholes. I hope you get a cheap thrill for vandalizing property. I wish I could have caught them. Hey dudes I’m dressed up as the guy who’s going to kick your ass. Hmm, no I probably would have said hey and run back inside.

Now I’m an adult and I think I’m just a little too old for trick or treating. However I can go to Zellers on all saints day and buy those boxes of 100 assorted chocolate bars when they are on sale. This is awesome when you have the munchies. Hmm Oh Henry. But one’s never enough, you want more and more until you’re out and then head back to Zellers for more. And then you get terrible teeth decay and horrible acne like me.