Top Ten Things That Annoy Me About My Mom

I love my mom to death. But she definitely has her quarks. So here’s David Letterman’s Top Ten things that annoy me about my mom.

Number 10: She sets all of our clocks four, nine or eleven minutes early so she will never be late and I have no fucking clue what time it actual is.

Number 9:  She always locks the door, even in the afternoon when me and my dad are home. Or when I say I’d be back in ten minutes, as if the burglar has ten minute window to break in and steal my Nintendo or our priceless silverware.

Number 8: She hates when I drink too much pop or eat too many cookies. She won’t buy stuff if we eat it all too fast. You had four cans last night. I’m not going to buy any more pop. Yet she doesn’t want me to waste any food, so I have to eat all of the old cereal. Like Lucky Charms after I picked out all of the marshmallow. They should make it all marshmallows.

Number 8:  She always ruins our meals when she says how many calories and salt are in our food. She will be like “Greg no more Taco Bell or KFC,” and yet she doesn’t want me to get any skinnier.

Number 7:  She unplugs every appliance or electrical devise because it wastes energy and the blender might magically turn on and burn the house down.

Number 6:  She demands me to do something right away when I’m in a middle of something. But mom I will cut the grass after I watch Golden Girls, it’s the one when Blanche fucks a minor. Or she will do it herself and put the guilt trip on me.

Number 4:  I know gas is high and it could easily go up to 200. But she makes me do everything while I’m out and not just one trip to KFC. Oh no I forgot to mail that letter. Damn it all!”

Number 5: She has to look presentable every time she goes out or someone comes to the door. She would spend an hour doing her hair and makeup because the plumber is coming over.

Number 3: She makes me brush my teeth after anything I eat, like a cookie or KFC or when I’m going out for anything like cutting the grass.

Number 2: She is so tight and stingy with her money. My parents are well off and really have nothing else they really need except money to go on trips and vacations. But she will never buy name brand pop because she can save 20 cents with diet caffeine free low sodium Masters Choice. And she will like freak out when my dad buys another hammer without consulting with her

Number 1:  My mom is a huge religioner. She goes to church like three times a week and keeps asking me to come despite my atheism. She always prays before meals as if God just hands out our food and not because we work and buy it. Every time we have a debate she throws in something about Jesus and I can never win. She goes as far to thank the lord for a good parking spot.