I’m back!
So for the past four weeks I have been living it up in sunny
Florida
This year me and my parents got a condo in a community that
is built around a golf course. It’s definitely very upscale compared to our
other place. For example there are no pets allowed at all. This means there are
no annoying yippy dogs. You have to wear a shirt at all times so you don’t see
old men’s wrinkly chest and or back hair. But everyone was so nice and would
wave or say hello.
The ride there was fun. We took my dads SUV and we had loads
of room. I should have brought more things like my laptop or more underwear. So
we were crossing the Bluewater Bridge
I brought a portable DVD playa and some movies. I was
watching all of my South Park
So we finally arrive but the television wasn’t working
according the owner and there was no DVD playa. We called Comcast and wasted
three days waiting for the guy. He shows up and says you have to point the
remote at the box. And that was it. Sorry.
By the third day I thought I knew my way around. I thought
if I ever get lost I would look for the water fountain, club house or my dad’s
SUV. I tell my parents I’m off for a walk to get my Big Mac fix. I left at
seven and boom it got dark quick and I’m fucking lost. Everything looked
different at night. By ten I’m freaking out. I didn’t have a phone number or a
map. All I knew was the address. I finally stop an old people’s car for
directions and they told me I was in the wrong park. They even dropped me off. I
told my folks I was at the billiards room. Thank the good Lord.
On the fifth day we spot a huge alligator we called Ally on
the other side of the river from our place. And people are just golfing away
and even taking pictures. Next week I’m in the livonia
The cool thing about the place is that there is a nearby bar
with cheap drinks. It was a ten minute walk from out place. I would talk to all
of the fellow retirees and heard some funny tales. For the most part the
bartenders were nice and or hot. There was this chubby one with the biggest
boobs I have ever seen in person.
They even had happy hour between three and six. So for the
past three weeks I have been at the bar for happy hour and have been tipping
very generously. So I leave my place just before three. I should have
remembered my watch was fast because my mom sets all of our clocks fast so she
is never late. So I ask for the usual and to get my bill. I look at it and she
charged me full price. And I’m like isn’t it happy hour between three and six.
And she actually said its not three yet, it is 2:55 .
And I quote “you should have walked slower.” What kind of crazy bitch does
this? Any normal person would either give me the discount or tell me to wait
five minutes. Goodbye tip.
The fishing was awesome. At first I tried the pond at my
uncle’s place on three separate occasions and used an assortment of bait.
Nothing. Worse yet, I was just fishing there and then I felt all of these
bites. I looked down and I’m standing on a massive fire ant anthill. I got a of
ton of bites on my feet. Haha the only bites I got were from insects. Haha I’m
hilarious.
So my dad paid some fisherman to take us salt water fishing
in the channel. I cast and boom I catch a fish right away. This guy was like a
tour guide and tells us all of these interesting facts and stories. We even saw
dolphins swimming with us. He did all of the hard work. He even made his own
bobber that makes a sound that attracts fish when you tug on it. The weather was perfect, it was early, cloudy
and no waves. Me and my dad must have caught twenty fish each. Including a
funny looking flounder. We ended up with a bucket of fish that the restaurant
cooked for us. Delish.
Naturally we played a lot golf. All I ever need is a driver, a putter, a
wedge and a five iron. I found best of ball much more fun and less stressful. I
got some cheap balls that I couldn’t give a shit if I lose. My dad on the other
hand spends like ten minutes looking for his exoskeleton balls. We were also
weary of Ally or his friends the whole time.
I spent a lot of time at my favorite aunt and uncle’s trailer
park. I mean community. We went to dinner all of the time. One night we met up
with my mom’s cousin. His wife had the worst name; Georgegina. It was uncanny;
she looked identical to Mrs. Chokesondick from South
Park
I totally love the hot tub they have there. I could spend
hours just sitting their and chatting with the fellow retirees. One time there
was these older guys. They were both crazy looking Vietnam
