The Computer Virus Antidote

I like wake boarding the net every once in a while. The problem is that I’m afraid of getting viruses. Again. I’m weary even when Norton says it’s okay. It’s scary when you enter a site that you shouldn’t have visited. And twenty pages pop up and you’re trying to close them or turn off the power. I’ve even heard of viruses that disguise themselves as Norton and say you have a dozen viruses click here to eliminate them. My question is why are hackers such douche bags? I understand the challenge of getting onto NORAD or you’re changing your grades at school. But why screw people’s home computers for nothing to gain except their sick pleasure of destroying any vital information and making them take it back at Future Shop.

So ya a few years earlier my computer crashed for non porn related reasons and we took it to Future Shop. They know no more than the average user. So they had it a couple of days and all they did was change my Jennifer Love Hewitt background and probably look at my porn stash. It’s now in the cellar and it will probably never be used again.  Unless I need spare parts for my robot I have been working on. Good thing because I got a new laptop that is a lot better to play World of Warcraft on. I never liked the pad thingy though. I use a wireless optical mouse but sometimes I touch the pad and it messes up what I was doing.  I love Youtube but is it possible that I could get a virus?

Anyway I was curious about how people outside of facebook come upon my site. I have over 400 views from the United Sates alone. And I have this big fan from Singapore that has viewed it over forty times. So I hope word of mouth is spreading like my Herpes. Maybe I should get an actual webpage. I’m sure the domain name PotheadGreg is still available. And who knows maybe I could some advertisements. Like 0.01 pennies a visit or a monthly rate enough to offset the costs.

So I searched some posts. My blog about Octum’s razor is the third site referral in Google for instance. And then I wrote about centaurs. I was probably high and thought it was funny at the time. So I searched centaurs and my page came up along with other disturbing images and photo shop centaurs that I’m trying to erase from my mind. Fuck that! I don’t want any fucking creepy weirdoes looking at my site. So I deleted any references to centaurs or ass ramming homos just now. Use your imagination sickos. But we all have some fetishes. Mine is those Japanese women in school uniforms with big boobs.  Just like the chick in Kill Bill with the chain and ball. While I’m at it, you should check out two of my favorite funny sites, Maddox and Seanbaby.

Welcome to the World of Warcraft

I started a new character in World of Warcraft. It’s true, I have no life and I’m a bit of a nerd. I spend probably seven hours a day now in the War. And I sleep about 12 hours and have naps. In seven hours I could make about fifty bucks and buy some beer if I had a job. But no, I’m playing a game that never ends and is completely pointless. But is it addictive. You keep on playing because you grow stronger and get better items. It’s like slot machines, where every once in while you kill a creature and you hit the jack pot with a level 50 Axe of Arthia. And believe me that is fucking awesome!

So when I’m hooked and locked into the game I forget about the outside world. On Earth I’m a simple reverse retiree that still lives in my parent’s basement. But in the World of Warcraft I become Goraak, defender of the Alliance. I forget to eat, sleep and piss. I hate cutting the grass or having a shower because I could be missing a full frontal raid against the Horde.

This time I’ve become a night elf hunter I named Potthed. Apparently Pothead, Potthead and other abbreviations have already been taken. So I was part of a guild and some nerd told me that my name was inappropriate. Once again I feel persecuted because I like to smoke weed. I’m ostracized and resort to smoking on the beach, behind the church or even in the bushes when my mom is home.

I couldn’t really think of a cool or original name. I already had another character I called Gregera and Goraak. I bet this geek’s name is Darkrithera the Dark. I mean there are a slew of bad and gay names like Slappy the Squirrel, Gothic or Cutiepie 193. There are so many stupid people saying stupid shit. For instance, yesterday I was a on a ship and this idiot says I declare this ship mine! Some other guy called him an idiot and I said I declare you a loser. Zing!

So I tell the guild that I somehow left the guild and request an invite. And some dork calls me noob. Ha-ha what a noob, learn how to play. And his friends joined in too. Which I find hilarious. You’re making fun of me in a game made for complete losers. I’ll admit it’s hard to play World of Warcraft and still be cool. It’s like playing D&D and making fun of someone because they used a thunder staff on some dwarves not knowing they are immune to electrical forces and have a plus 50 arcane resistance. But on the spectrum of dorkiness and coolness I definitely a cool dork.

I still listen to music and watch television while I play; especially when I’m leveling up. Rage Against the Machine definitely pumps you up for the next battle. There is nothing like listening to Wake Up during a raid. Too bad I lost a lot of my cable channels. I’m definitely missing out on all the good shows. But I still get Golden Girls on channel three.

Too bad I don’t get paid playing the War. I’ve heard Koreans play for a living and sell their characters, gold or items to people too busy to play. What do you do anyway? Do you walk around killing people? There is really no point. It’s like playing Zelda that someone else has completed all of the dungeons and got all of the heart containers.

There are a lot of funny people too. I enjoy Chuck Norris jokes or their bickering. One of the best South Park episodes is about World of Warcraft; it’s funny but true. There are a lot annoying people that try to get in a duel with you and I don’t even respond. And they make these irritating noises like chicken sounds to try to piss me off. I’m not Michael J. Fox. Someone calling me chicken isn’t going to work. Duels completely pointless.

There are a lot of chicks that play too. However there is a slim chance that they are hot or even girls at all. I’m sure there are a lot of cross dressers that jump at the chance to become a chick, or people who try to get married or receive gifts from other lonely players. Hey guys there is this fine looking babe that likes World of Warcraft! I just gave her the Axe of Arthia for a virtual blow job. I’m now a man.

So who wants to join me and fight for the great land of Azeroth? I will even lend you 30 gold pieces and two handed staff with plus 20 stamina to get you started. So please help me out. I’m so desperately lonely. But I got to go there is this hot girl that is suppose to meet me under the Tree of Darnassus in twenty minutes. I hope she is impressed with my new ride. I got a level 20 striped tiger mount with aspect of the cheetah and a new staff with 15 fire damage per second. I’m so badass!

What Does the Future Behold?

Ever notice that futuristic movies and shows predict we will have this super technology. Take the hovering cars in Back to the Future 2. Well it’s almost 2015 and I want my damn hovering car. In 2001 Space Odyssey we have colonized outer space and have thinking computers.  While the devices are big and clunky. I am afraid though that my Nintendo will gain awareness and try to kill me in my sleep.

The year is 6666 and man has finally hit the pinnacle of technology. We have everything we need to enjoy life and more. The world is a different place though.

Through stupid immigration laws and having way too many children the Chinese population has taken control over the world. The Chinese population is now 95%, while the rest of the population is 4%. Due to over population people over 75 years old have to be put asleep much like in Logan’s Run. Besides who wants to be 90 years old anyway?

Apple is the most successful company and is the leader in the latest technology. Apple has created the Ishrink, a device the size of a credit card that can expand twenty times its size.  Much like the Green Lantern ring you can do anything you want to do with it. Whether opening your hover car or flipping futureburgers. Everyone has them, including toddlers. With the Imask you can see anywhere through anything. Except tits, there is a parental lock on that.

We all have chips implanted in our brains at birth that are used for everything. For example we can catch criminals whether for grand theft shuttle or jay walking. And drunk driving has been eliminated. Or parents can monitor their kids even while sleeping. Removing the chip will result in permanent brain damage or even death.

The invention of matterizers has been a huge milestone in history. This machine manipulates matter into any substance you wish through isotopicalitic transformation. Every household needs at least one. Thanksgiving dinner is now just a push of a button. And giant matterizers that can use large amounts of matter to turn into certain other forms of matter. Such as transforming sand into oil for instance. But ha-ha oil, that ridiculous. That’s way before we discovered Jizerts.

People have become as lazy as ever. But thanks to a diet pill that actually works, and I mean actually works, people are a slim as ever and can eat Future Macs to their hearts content. With new procedures people can get an instant nose job or super hearing.

We can create body parts for everything. So poor little Billy will have a kidney and Halfy can grow new legs. And I can finally get my robot arms.

Robots do all of the work now. They can do anything a human can and more. We have four hour shifts now with an hour lunch break and it’s up to us to control these robots. This results in high employment rate and more time to watch 4D television. There are still occupations that we need to physically fill like a kindergarten teacher because robot teachers scare young children. And we still need people to run Mc Donald’s which are now serving a googolplex.

Just like A.I. we have hookerbots too. Some are specifically designed to look and feel like real people. Or even other freaky fetishes like centaurs. My favorite model is the late Jennifer Love Hewitt model. Teen pregnancy and masturbation have all but disappeared. The problem is that some robots have developed conscience awareness and believe they are real people. As a result the robots can go haywire and end up killing baby bunnies.

The world is similar to Star Trek. The holo decks are where the action is. The games range from peaceful Mario games where you can actually jump ten feet up onto turtles or break floating bricks for prizes. Then there are the ultra violent games such as Virtual Gladiator 3000 where you are sent into a coliseum and fight to the death. But don’t worry its all virtual and harmless to the human player.

We have outlawed teleportation because of complications where people have had their arms sticking out of their head or become a half human half horse creature. Unless of course you want to be a centaur.

Thanks to genetics, we have recreated extinct animals such as the whale, panda, dinosaurs or the mouse. We have also eliminated annoying creatures like the mosquito, the cockroach and Canadian geese.

We can also modify certain animals like dogs that can use the toilet or talking horses. However the kids are still wild over pokemon. We have created every pokemon including the pidgey or rattattas. Pikachu makes a great family pet that can use its electrical abilities incase the power goes off or your hovering car battery needs a boost.

After WW16, the world is peaceful. Except for the war in Iraq. The president of the United States is the first gay cross gendered Eskimo. Citizens still hold onto the constitution and believe they have the right to own a ray gun 3000. Quebec finally leaves Canada and now owes over a thrillion dollars to China.

We have finally colonized the entire Earth, including all of northern Canada. Eskimos still live on reserves. The moon and Mars have also been colonized. But not Venus that would be silly. We live in dense cities now. Such as Space Sarnia with a population of 16.3 million. The sky scarpers are as tall as ever and have gardens and forest on top of the roofs. And pollution is now all but eliminated and global warming was just a hoax all along. With the ecological invention of throwies, all garbage is turned into pretty flowers.

People have agreed upon wearing the same ultra futuristic sliver latex clothing with name tags. Baldness is cured but many men feel it’s still dignified. While women only need to take a pill that will remove all unwanted hair. Losing your eyebrows is a side effect.

Future-Mart has become the largest corporation and employer. Customers can buy virtually anything from hookerbots to the silver leotard clothing. While K-Mart has filed chapter 18 bankruptcy, again. Protesters frown upon robot sweat shops saying they are people too and Nike’s stock crashes as a result.

Hoverball has become the international sport on Earth. About 90% of all athletes are black. The other 9% are Chinese of course. Fans agreed that athletes should be able to use steroids or arcanzoids for more exciting games. The rookie G. Merchant card is worth a thousands nanos.

We have finally discovered a cure for every STD including Aids. Gay people around the world rejoice in having futuristic butt sex without getting the HIV and not have to rely on gaybots anymore.

The debate over legalization of marijuana is still going on, but it is in talks between politicians.

Super Mario Brathas

I love Super Mario video games. I’ve heard he is more recognizable to kids than even Mickey Mouse. Then they made a movie. A terrible movie. So it all started off with Donkey Kong. Basically the ape takes some hot chick hostage and throws barrels at Mario. The thing is you save her but you go to the next level and have to save her all over again and jump over more barrels. Then came Mario Bros. Mario is now an Italian plumber who supposedly works in the sewers of New York. And this gave birth to the pipes and POW blocks. Which is kind of confusing. I thought POW stands for prisoner of war.

Then the NES came out with the game Super Mario Bros. This means that Mario’s name is Mario Mario and his loser brother Luigi Mario. What the fuck were Mario’s parents thinking when the named him Mario Mario? And putting an M on his shirt is something a child would do. Where is Mario’s wrench or plunger anyway? And wearing white gloves isn’t the greatest idea when cleaning shit.

The first Super Mario Bros was a huge success and Mario became Nintendo’s mascot. So you have to save some princess and you have to get from the beginning to the end of a stage. Too bad that he can’t go backwards. Do you know how annoying that would be? Each time you beat the level you think you’re saving the princess and getting some poontang. But no, it’s some kind of talking mushroom chick. They usually give Mario a blow job after he saves them.

For some reason Mario likes to jump on things. He can break these floating bricks that sometimes give him items. I think he would severally injure his hand after hitting so many damn floating bricks. I punched a brick with my hand and it was in severe pain and nothing came out of it. If you eat shrooms you magically grow in size. The last time I ate shrooms I totally freaked out. You can also get flowers that can shoot out these balls of fire. I wish I could grow these flowers and shoot fire at geese.

He also likes jumping on enemies like turtles or these fucked up things called goombas. But you can’t jump on those spike thingies. There are a lot of other recurring enemies like cloud guys that throw spike thingies at Mario or shell creatures that you can kick. Then there are those Venice fly traps that live in pipes. If you are playing two players then the second player is Luigi. But the next player must wait till the other player dies. But don’t worry, like the Hindu you have many lives. And if you collect 100 coins than you get another life or a cool pair of Nike shoes.

Super Mario 2 was actually a remake of a game that developers thought would do better with Mario starring in it. That’s why the game seems really weird and psychedelic with all of these doors and crazy enemies. Very fun to play. Especially on weeed. I mean you pluck vegetables and throw them at bad guys. I love those shy guys, they’re so cute. I like choosing your characters. Finally Peach is a playable character and not some useless ditz. And Luigi isn’t a second fiddle anymore. I always use Toad, he’s the fastest. Very challenging game, it’s all about winning the slot machines for more lives. So you beat the end boss with onions and asparagus and find out it was all a dream. That’s so lame. It’s like watching Scarface and after being shot a million times he wakes up and oh I was all a dream. I never had such a vivid dream that lasts five hours. And it’s only Mario’s dream. If I picked Toad than it should be Toad’s dream. And what are the names of the other mushroom people, or are they all called Toad?

Super Mario 3 must be one of the most successful games ever. Once again the princess is captured by Bowser. Where the fuck are the guards? Every time Mario looks away and cleans some toilets he has to save the princess all over again. But why does Bowser keep capturing her? Does he want ransom or something? Does he send King Toadstool a bloody finger?

This time around you can get better items. You can get leaves that turn you into flying raccoons. Hmm right. They should have made a pot leaf power up where you can fly and blow smoke rings at turtles. You can get a flame thrower again, frog suite and my favorite hammer head suite. The best level is the one where you can wear this giant sock and walk on things. You can get those matching card games but I have no memory. Dammit I thought it was star! I fucking hate this game!

Remember the movie the Wizard? I think the wizard or Jimmy was some kind savant like Rain Man that was awesome at Nintendo. And there was some side plot about his dead sister or something. And it stars the star of the Wonder Years: Fred Savage. So his friends totally take advantage of him. Hey retard what did I say; you can only have a Big Mac combo after you beat Ninja Turtles. And who could forget the guy with the Power Glove! It’s so badass. Funny I bought the glove at a flea market and it’s completely useless. It’s doesn’t even work with Punch Out. Anyway the end is a show down and preview of the greatest game Super Mario 3. And how did he find the flute? I guess everyone knows. Do people even keep score? Hey I just broke my record with 1499893 points. See if you can do it bitch.

Super Mario World was an awesome game too. I love Yoshi. He can eat pretty much anything. But how healthy is that anyway? He definitely needs Tums. He also takes colored dumps. What happens if Yoshi chokes on a turtle shell? No, that’s the fourth Yoshi that has died on me. Too bad Yoshi is a wuss and won’t fight in haunted houses and or castles. The best part is that you can save your progress and replay levels. And not have to keep playing the same damn levels each time you play. It’s probably the easiest Mario game by far. Why isn’t there a bullet bill gun that Mario can use and just blow enemies away?

There are a slew of other Mario games that feature him and the casts. Dr. Mario is an awesome game where you can play against other people. Where did the plumber have so much time and money to go to college and become a doctor? I mean he’s cleaning urinals and jumping on things. Does he even have a license? What I don’t know is what kind of pills is Dr. Mario throwing at his patient? Doe the person have cancer and Mario is tossing Oxycontins at the patient? 

The Mario Kart games are my favorite games. Remember the Super Nintendo one? It was so much fun at the time. Mario Kart 64 is still my all time favorite game. I love Toad and I love Koopa Beach. It’s actually a nude beach and you see koopas tanning shelless. Then Mario Kart Double Dash came out. I never really liked it. I also didn’t care for Mario Sunshine either.

Mario Tennis is awesome too. I remember skipping class just to play it. My favorite character this time was the flying turtle. I don’t know if they already made it but Mario Tennis would be awesome for the Wii where you use a tennis racket. I think a Mario Hockey is due, that would be fun with all of the weapons and shit. Mario Party is loads of fun but they’re hard to find now a days

Mario Super Strikers is one of the only reasons to own a Game Cube. What an awesome game. I like the bear traps the best. But what a disappointment of a video system. The controller was shitty and all of Nintendo’s flagship games were nowhere as fun as on the Nintendo 64. And they made Luigi’s Mansion. It’s too scary for me, I refuse to play it. They definitely should make Mario Lawn Darts or Mario Euchre.

Lord of the Flies

Remember reading the Lord of the Flies in high school? I was never much of a reader but I love movies. I mean if a picture is worth a thousands words than a movie must be like ten thoundsanrd words. So yeah I rented the movie but it was slightly different than the book. Either way I got a good mark.  

I also got a good mark doing a book report on the Hobbit in grade seven. So good I did the same book report in grade 9 and grade 11. Good thing my mom saves all of our assignments and the teachers don’t share grades with each other. I really loved the Hobbit, but I will save that for another time.

I also read a lot of Shakespeare in high school. Good thing we had to read William’s plays because I would never think of reading them outside of school.  Too bad sometimes I have no fucking clue what the characters are saying.

I really liked Caesars Pizza, I mean Julius Caesars. It’s cool play about betrayal and espionage. Being the emperor has to have its perks. He must get all of the poontang of from those hot Roman girls, some good pizza and endless supply of wine. However he must be paranoid as hell with everyone conspiring against him.

I’m the same way. I know the government wants me dead. They got my phones tapped and are putting truth serum in my Big Macs. Why are they against me you might ask? Because I’m actually Sasha Burinskevahasasasa. I’m a triple agent and have been writing this blog page as a cover and am secretly sending vital information to the Russian government. Why? I’d tell you. But then I would have to kill you.

Sometimes I get way off track and end up writing this completely random shit. While I went for a walk I got into thinking that they should do remake the Lord of the Flies movie. But I ended up writing about book reports and being a triple agent.

Greg Merchant of Venice was a good read. Too bad it was completely antisemitism. Shylock is like this evil greedy Jew that demands his loan payment from the poor Greg Merchant of Venice. When Merch can’t pay it, the Jew signs a contract saying he gets a pound of flesh from Merch. There is a loophole that the Jew can only take flesh and not any blood. Checkmate. And then the Jew’s hot daughter doesn’t want any of her suitors but only Greg Merchant of Venice. Yeah baby!

I never read Hamlet but once again I rented the movie. One of them actually starts Mel Gibson. I don’t remember much but what I do remember is that Hamlet is a big pussy and procrastinator. I think it was the play Hamlet with the famous line “to be, or not to be?” It’s true but way overused. To be living in my parent’s basement or not to be living in my parent’s basement, that is the question. And I too am a procrastinator. I have been thinking of writing a book about the bible and religion for years now but I get too bored and feel like playing Zelda instead.

I never read Romeo and Juliet in high school. But I think everyone knows the gist. She thinks he’s dead and she kills herself and then he finds that she’s dead because she thought he was dead and he kills himself. I did watch the movie Romeo and Juliet. It keeps the original lines but is set in present day. It stars some very hot chick and one of my favorite actors Leonardo DiCaprio. He’s talented and not a sellout. If he’s in a movie, than you know it should be good. Take some of my favorites like Titanic, the Beach and Basketball Diaries.

Back to Lord of the Flies. I realize shows like Lost and movies like Castaway have already done the whole stranded on an island thing. But I think there is still a niche for young children, without adults, that must form a society. Sure they already done it briefly in Thunderdome but I think we need a serious movie about human nature. I remember feeling so sad for Piggy, especially when he dies. But what would you think would happen in real life if a crowd of kids are actually marooned on a stranded island?

Stairway to Heaven

This is a blog for atheist and pessimist. It’s a downer. I have said this before, but if you are religious or naïve than this blog isn’t for you. So please don’t read this. I’m serious. You don’t want to know what I’m thinking. But I bet your curiosity is killing you.

Welcome fellow atheists. It’s a hard lesson but life isn’t fair. Some people are just born rich, smart, and good looking and then there are people like me. I think the universe doesn’t know right from wrong or discriminate what’s good and evil. I think everyone feels entitled to be happy in this life or the afterlife. I think Heaven is real in the mind of a person. They think they will go to heaven their whole life and as soon as they die they won’t realize that there isn’t a heaven and I will never know that I was right all along.

I’m actually thinking of reading the entire bible and writing my own book. But I wish they would edit some of this shit. There is so much nonsense and useless information. I don’t see how reading it will make you a better person. Why don’t they explain more about the afterlife in the bible? You might think they would write more about something as important. But no, they write about Abraham’s gynecology and I guy living in a fish.

I mean I wish I was going to go to this island resort in the sky and that my life isn’t completely meaningless. But I took the red pill. Unless you think playing videogame all day is a good life.

A part of me still wonders if something good will happen after I die. I may not accept Jebus in my life but I think I’m a good person and that what really counts in life. I think God could care less if you worship him, eat fish on Fridays and waste your Sunday mornings hearing about the protocol son again. So if there was a heaven than I’m sure I’d get in and play poker with Jebus. I think the last sin I committed was scrapping another car, as I opened the door, in the parking lot and driven away.

What’s the point of this life anyway? Is it a test to see if you go to Heaven or Hell? Why not just skip this whole thing we call life and let everyone go directly to Heaven. And not give the chance for some evil person to fuck it up.

Look at all of the sickness, war and fathom. Why do some children have to suffer cancer? Their life is agony; I hope they will have something positive to look forward to. People need the idea of this God that loves you and you will go to a better place. It’s opium for the masses if you will. But I do believe the good in this world far outweighs the bad. Some people just have to fill their role in life. However the Universe is perfect when you really think about it.

What happens if someone is born into a shitty life that becomes evil because of their circumstances? It’s easy for someone who gets lucky in life to be good but hard for those who are misfortunate.

The funny thing is that I know religious people who are huge douche bags. I’ve met people wearing a cross necklace who are total assholes. I was debating with one guy at college about Christianity. His big argument was that Thomas Edison, who is a genius, believed in god. My repute was that many other scientists are atheists and that just because Edison was smart at some things doesn’t mean he is a good theorist.

And still this douche was completely racists. There are levels of racism. You have the old black guy jokes up to the crazy racists like the KKK rednecks. He was in the middle. How can he believe in God and know you are supposed to be good and still be racists? A side note: I’m not racists but I’ll admit every time I see a black person in Sarnia the first thing that comes to mind is there goes a black person.

Do all dogs go to heaven? I don’t know why they can’t? Christians hate evolution; it totally fucks everything up for them. Man has evolved from a common ape ancestor. It was a slow transition; it never just went from ape to man instantly. So here’s my point, how come apes can’t go to heaven? It’s like saying an ape had the first human baby but the human’s parents don’t go to heaven and the human doesn’t get to see grandpa ape.

I always wonder if a one week old fetus goes to heaven. I mean how they can have a heaven for something that hasn’t had the chance to develop a personality or anything. I mean at what point does the fetus goes to heaven. What about a day old thing that’s just a bunch of cells.

How old are you in Heaven? I often hear people saying they want to meet grandpa again. How old would gramps be? A teenager? I would find it strange seeing my Nana the same age as me. I think we wouldn’t share the same heaven but have our own exclusive heaven. A heaven perfectly suited to you. Or else everybody would be after Chris Farley and he would be so tired of being admired.

What would Heaven be like? Do you enter the pearly gates and Saint Peter gives you an orientation. Hey there buddy you passed the test. Here is a name tag and your wings. The big guy is just a little tied up right now; another volcano erupted. The wait is several hours, but hey you got all the time in the after world. Do you like magic brownies? It’s legal here.

I don’t believe in Hell for several reasons. If Jebus loves you and died for our sins then why the fuck are people still going to Hell then? Also why would people go to Hell for forever? I mean life is about a 100 years and the afterlife is like a billion years. It’s like sending a person to life in prison for stealing a shamwow. And if Satan wants you to do evil things than he wouldn’t punish sinners. He would congratulate them and Hell would be one giant party where everything goes.

What I don’t get is how the physics are in Heaven? Come on think about it for one second people. Are we still made up of molecules and does light travel the same? Do we eat or fly around.

What do we do all day for forever anyway? Do we have an agenda? Do we play cribbage at one and coed volley ball at three? Wouldn’t people simply get tired after a million years? Or is it like we are high on crack forever. Can you do evil deeds once in Heaven? Can you kill someone with your halo? And conversely can you do something good in Hell to be rewarded and promoted to Heaven?

I may not know what happens when you die. But I don’t think it is this wonderful paradise where you can eat Big Macs, play Nintendo and drink all day. I think Heaven is more like the ending of A.I. or American Beauty. A perfect stasis that stretches forever.

Life is short. It’s like playing Mario Tennis. You may suck and lose but hey you had a chance to play. And I think life is like a brief dream in a long slumber.

Pet Peeves

I’ve always wanted a dog. But I had to settle on getting a gerbil I named General. Why did I name him General? I forget. But it’s a better name than Fluffy. I loved him. We use to build these elaborate play grounds for General out of paper rolls and boxes. The problem was that you can’t let him outside the cage because he could hide anywhere. I spent a lot of time trying to get him out under the dresser with bait. I also cried when I couldn’t find him. So that’s why I loved when I put him into those plastic balls and let him roam all over the house. It was hilarious seeing him bump into things. The only downside was cleaning out his cage.

But gerbils don’t live forever. After three years he died. I remember waking up and seeing him frozen with his paws clinched. No! Don’t die on me General! Please. I guess I had to morn for several days and know that General went to gerbil heaven. Where there are mountains of sunflower seeds and tubes that stretch on forever.

Then my brother got a hamster which I ended taking care of. The poor thing died in five months. Later I got a guinea pig which was really cute but really annoying. All it did was cry and shit. I should have gotten him potty trained or something. So after a few months we gave him away to some farm.  Years later I got another hamster that I called Trip. Well I went back to university and my mom had to take care of him. I actually did a photo project of Trip for art class.

 I also bought a chameleon that I renamed Camo from a friend’s brother. I don’t know how well he was taken care of because he was always so nervous. Chameleon’s have to be the funniest looking animal on earth. Their eyes are hilarious, the move independently and all directions. They actually do change their colors. I’ve heard several people saying that they do it to camouflage and blend in or change because of how they feel; scarred or angry. They have these weird hands to climb with. They use their tails to hang from or whatever. And they have the coolest tongue, just like Yoshi. I feed him crickets and worms. You have to spray their tank twice a day and change the lights and heat lamps depending on the time of day. I spent a lot of time and money on him. Then he died in a few months later. Apparently they don’t make good pets because they are so paranoid and not meant to be contained.

I did have the chance to take care of a dog for several months. His name was Doogie just like Doogie Howser MD. It was a Jack Russell Terrier just like Eddie off of Frasier. The only problem was that Doogie lost any eye because of some cataract or something. But don’t worry they put like a patch over it and he was still just as cute. It was up to me to walk the dog, rain or shine. Of course I would secretly give him doggy treats so he’d like me the best. I actually did a speech about Doogie.

My uncle took this cat off the streets. They called him Gimpy because he had a twisted paw. But this was the nicest cat ever. We took care of him for a couple of days while my uncle went out of town. He would get behind the television I was worried if Gimp would bite the wires or get trapped. Because it’s a bitch to set up the T.V.

And we had gold fish.

I Hate George W. Bush

We all know George W. Bush is a complete retard. I realize it’s got to be difficult being a president but he can barely talk or open a door. He should have never been elected and the world would be much better off with Gore. At first you might think he is just silly. I mean he obviously has other people who do the actual work and run the country. But then they attacked Iraq for no reason. It’s not so silly anymore.

I was watching Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 911 for the second time and wow did it open my eyes. It’s a great movie and makes you think how all of this mess happened. At first it was funny how he got elected. And it makes Bush look even dumber if that was possible. He can see in his tiny eyes that he is slow and some spoiled child who never had to do anything because he is the president’s son.

But then it shows all of the horror of what war is. Why the fuck do we do this to each other? And why the fuck does the States get into other people’s business. If they really wanted to fight for other nation’s freedom than why don’t they help out Africa? There is a shit storm going down there with boys holding bazookas and shit. Why don’t the States help you may ask? Because there is no money there.

So how did the States get involved in this mess? I don’t know if there are a lot of rednecks or people are just ignorant? Bush had them dubbed. I mean the puppeteers of Bush had them dubbed. I don’t know the facts but there were no Iraq hijackers.  But here came Nine Eleven and the government had this opportunity to attack Iraq and finally get Sadam. Bush said they say they want to liberate Iraq and seize these so called weapons of mass destructions. Doesn’t that sound a bit hypocritical? I mean why are the States allowed nukes?

It’s no surprise that Bush really wanted the oil and makes tons of money through weapons manufactures and military companies and other sources. Am I the only one furious over this? How fucking evil and greedy are these peoples? Honestly think about it. They are killing thousand of people so they can buy another mansion. It almost seems as if Sadam and Bush are alike. Bush actually said that he is a war president. War is utterly horrible, you shouldn’t be proud of it.

So the States attack Iraq with Shock and Awe. I bet the weapons plants made a fortune out of this. And the Iraqis are like what the fuck? I guarantee civilians were killed despite their missile technology. And so started another Vietnam, a war they will never win.

It’s easy to send soldiers to do your bidding. In the movie Mike was asking senators to enlist their own children. Only one did. So there were scouts asking these poor people to enlist. I mean they were pushing and coercing them. So these kids live in the ghetto and join thinking about the money and paid college tuition. That’s if they don’t get killed.

It breaks my heart seeing the injured soldiers with their legs blown off or burned. Think how they feel. I bet Bush couldn’t give a shit of all of these people. They actually are cutting funding for injured soldiers and severance pay to the victim’s family. And also sending retired solders back to duty. And think about the Iraq soldiers. They’re just following orders and probably are sacrificing their lives for their country. Do they think they are evil? Hell no.

So take one moment and think about the Iraqis people. See through their eyes. The States are bombing the shit out of their country. Sure Sadam was an evil dictator but they had stability. I guarantee that they were a million times better off with Sadam. I’ve seen scenes of victims on both sides burned to death. And think of the civilians that had nothing to do with any of this chaos. I hope Bush watched Fahrenheit 911 and realize he is a huge douche. I want him to see this innocent poor little who got her arms blown off. What the hell did she do to deserve this? Look closer. This happened all because of you Bush. Is this what you had in mind when liberating Iraq?

Wrestling

I like the Olympics but I feel sorry for the athletes. I mean they train their asses off six days a week for several years. For what! A gold medal? A medal saying that they are the best? I feel sorry for even the silver and the bronze medal winners. You’re almost the best. But you lost. What do you do with the medal anyway? Do you hang it up on the mantle or wear it around your neck when you go out? Does it make you feel happy? Does it say I love you? Or does it impress the ladies (or men)? Then there is the silver medalist I’m the second best at long distance running. I’ve spent the best years of my life rigulsouly training like crazy for a silver medal. Is it even made of gold or sliver? Fourth place is even worse. You have accomplished nothing and nobody will remember you.

I was a wrestler in high school. Aside from jockeys, wrestling is a sport where the small and skinny athletes are the best. My brother recommended it because his friend was also a wrestler. So I was 85bls and joined. That’s the lightest weight category for wrestling. But for my size I was tough. The cool part is of course is that you are wrestling other skinny guys and are on an even playing field.

The problem was that I tried too hard to win a useless medal. I was naturally skinny my whole life and ate pretty whatever and how much I wanted. But I got it in my head that I had to keep my weight down. So I started eating less and became somewhat anorexic. And it sucked balls. All I wanted to do was drink pop and eat Big Macs. And for what a cheap medal and pride. I should have had my priorities in check.

If you don’t know, wrestling or grappling is on a mat that you have to stay on. You get points for executing moves or win by pinning the opponent. It lasts for three minutes and whoever is in the lead wins. You have weighins and so we try to lose as much water weight as possible. We wore garbage bags inside our clothes and would run or do steps.

Wrestling is very challenging. It’s not like other sports like soccer or basketball. It’s all up to you. The match lasts about three minutes but wow is it strenuous, you have no idea how tired you get. So I did pretty well but was in the same category as my brother’s friend. Who is the ultimate wrestler and I could never win against him. I basically used two moves, the whole grabbing the leg and tripping him or what I call the all out eagle shoot. The training was strenuous too. We practiced moves. One I like was doing summersaults. It doesn’t really accomplish anything but it’s fun anyway. I use to be able to do sixty pushups. Now I can barely do twenty. Hmm, I am getting old.

I’ll admit it is a little gay. I mean you’re wearing spandexes and grabbing another dude. They actually wrestled naked in ancient Greece. What’s worse is that if there are not enough wrestlers you may have to take on chicks. You can’t win. Either you win and everybody says wow you beat a chick; you’re a real man. Or haha I can’t believe you lost to a girl.

Thunderdome

I was watching Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome with Irving last night.  I must have seen the trilogy a billion and twenty six times as a kid. The trilogy begins with Mad Max starring the young and handsome Mel Gibson. This was his breakout role.

Mel also stars in one of my all time favorites Brave Heart. And the Lethal Weapons kick ass too. That’s pretty much it unless you actually seen or enjoyed the rest like What Women Want or Conspiracy Theory.

I’m not saying that hearing what women are thinking is a bad concept but it could have been done better. But it was a chick flick. I would love a scene where he goes to a bar and knows if chicks are into him or find him repulsive. One chick could be thinking of all of this nasty shit she wants to do with him. Boner time. Now imagine What Man Want? That would be hilarious. Imagine all of the men thinking the chick has a nice rack or tight ass. Yeah, I want to come all over your eyes slut.

I saw Conspiracy Theory but I can’t remember a damn thing except that the guy is paranoid as fuck. One time I did shrooms I was paranoid as fuck too and thought the television was making fun of me. I have several of my own theories like how everyone else is some kind of robot and I’m the only real human left. Or that people are putting something in my drinking water and I’m slowly going insane.

Then Mel made a series of bad movies that other people have enjoyed. Take the Passion. South Park made an episode of it and nailed it. It was a gore fest. I mean he would die of blood loss before he even came close to the cross. I rather be crucified than get beaten by this terrible whip with hooks. But people found it moving and powerful. Have you seen Spartacus? There were thousands of people that have gotten crucified or worse. A side note, my friend JP informs me that Jebus must have had the nails sticking in his wrists because his hands wouldn’t hold.

I rented Apocalypto thinking it would be a cool movie. I have never seen a Mayan or Aztec movie before. I don’t know much about that civilization except they played dogeball to the death with a human head. The problem was that it wasn’t even in English. The whole movie was in subtext. I don’t know if it was gibberish or if some poor fellow actually made a language.

Back to Mad Max. The first one takes place in a lawless Australia. Max who is a former cop, finds out that his family gets brutally killed by renegades. I haven’t seen it in ages and wish I could buy it somewhere. It was a cool movie, lots of car chases and shit. It was made in 1979 and beat Saw to the punch. At the end Max chains a guy’s leg to a truck that will explode in twenty minutes and gives him a saw. If he wants to live then he would have to cut off his leg. Hmm, I think I would rather be blown up.

The Road Warrior came out two years later and it is a post-apocalyptic world. I find it the best car chase movie to come out. Better than the Bond car chases. He is a lone warrior with a dog and probably very lonely and in the need of some good poontang. He makes his way to this peaceful camp. It’s an oil refinery and there are these renegades who want it. Just like Iraq. The renegade leader looks just like Jason (horror movie) and is bad ass. We want the oil, just leave. Everyone wears hockey equipment as if does any good against bullets and fire. My favorite part is in the end while the bad guys are chasing Max and all of the oil in this truck. I won’t spoil the end. Fuck it, he gets away and the truck was empty.

Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome is one of those 80s movie that you must see before you die. It’s got Tina Turner baby! My mom loves Tina and I made a CD for her. Well, I was listening to it and sort of dancing when my brother and his friends came by. Embarrassing. However We Don’t Need Another Hero is an awesome song,

So once again Max is mad. Some douche steals his camels and car and he wants them back. He has a pet monkey this time and it leaves a trail of items to Barter Town. When he makes his entrance he has to leave a ton of weapons. It’s funny but completely impractical. Do you realize how many weapons he has?  He wouldn’t be able to carry them all. Who needs four knives anyway? The town’s electricity is powered by pig shit. And the foreman is a midget riding some huge guy with a helmet. Haha, a midget riding a giant. Together they are called Master Blaster. So Tina might be the mayor but who runs Barter Town? Master Blaster.

Anyway Tina wants Max to kill the muscle and keep the brain in exchange for his car and camels. So where do they fight? Thunderdome baby! Two men enter. One man leaves. This is the coolest fight scene ever. Its like one giant monkey bars loaded with weapons. So Max takes down Blaster and finds out his is mentally disabled. To me this is one of the saddest parts in all movie history.

So he breaks a deal and must face the wheel. Which is like Wheel of Fortune except all of the slices are terrible and there is no free turn card. He gets gulage whatever that means and is banished into the dessert with this huge mask thingy riding a poor horse. Why? I think they should have shot him and saved the horse. So these kids rescue him and take him back to what I call a tropical paradise. This is what I don’t get. You see people roaming this barren dessert while these kids have their own private resort with water, food and shelter. They have it all. And yet they mistake Max as some pilot and want him to take them somewhere on this plane that will never fly because they’re kids and kids are stupid. But what a good movie! They should definitely make another one without Mel.

Fashion

I can be very metro when it comes to shopping. But I like to look good for the ladies. As a kid I hated shopping with my mom. No mom I’m not wearing this turtle neck or this brown vest. I want jogging pants with big wheel trucks on them and this Super Mario sweater. Sometimes I wonder how other people wear stupid shirts like a wolf or Halo shirt.

But years later I turned into a pro shopper. I shop efficient and go alone, I’m much quicker that way. I love my clothes and have so many. My wardrobe is like a collection. I’ve got about 25 T-shirts of every color. Except pink and purple, it’s little gay and I just don’t like those colors. I still wear clothes that I wore in high school that are a more than a decade old.

Winners is my favorite clothing store. Sure 90% of the clothes are crap but you find those hidden gems. I find clothes that you can’t buy anywhere except at Winners. They are way cheaper too. I like the fact that the employees don’t hassle you. I like that they hang the clothes up. I hate going to a little shop and they’re all nice and folded. I make such a mess looking for the right size and do a piss poor job refolding the clothes. But I guess the clerks have nothing better to do and can fold everything.

My mom loves shopping and likes a good deal. Sometimes she shops at Goodwill or Value Village. She’d be like how you like these sandals? I got them for three dollars. What I don’t get is why do people donate their underwear and the store actually sells them. Anyone want herpes? And people sometimes donate broken televisions so they don’t have to pay to dispose of.

If I go to any other clothing store they play the twenty question game. They first ask how you’re doing. I’d say awesome. What are you looking for? Clothes. These shorts are buy one get one half off. Yes I can see the sign. And I’m not going to buy two of the same pair of shorts.

I hate when you’re trying on clothes and there is no mirror in your change room. I mean I have to stare at my ass in a pair of jeans in front of people. Sometimes the color isn’t the same as you leave the store. I’ve bought a blue shirt that looked good under their lighting but turned out to be way too baby blue.

I like funny shirts. I should have bought this sweet one saying I know karate. I was looking at it and the next day it was sold out or sent away. I love when chicks have words on their shirts like I’m a princess or I like cock. You can read them and stare at their rack at the same time.

My bother likes black music shirts that I buy for him. He’s got ACDC, Pink Floyd, Billy Talent, Bob Marley and Led Zeppelin. I’ve been searching everywhere for a Matthew Goodband shirt. We also have sweet Manchester soccer jerseys.

We both like hats too. Unlike players, I curve the rim and wear it both normal and backwards. I like the color white except that it gets yellow from my overactive sweat glands in the summer. So I use strong detergent. Or I dip it in the pool and let the chlorine do its job. The best part about a hat is to hide your joint inside the flap. I’ve sneaked in a joint into a concert many of times this way.

Now the kids are into neon and fluorescent clothes. I used to wear them in the eighties. I even had those spandex shorts. They are wearing tight jeans again. So I guess I’m not with it anymore. Just like how old people wear their pants way up to their necks aren’t with it. I wonder if I will look that silly in my baggy cargo pants and shirts that say Quicksilver when I’m old.

My mom does the laundry. I usually just throw all my clothes in at once so I don’t have to put them away. Too bad my mom doesn’t use Tide and my colors fade. Mom my red shirt turned into pink and this grey shirt use to be black.

I hate stains. That’s why I don’t wear white shirts. I mean you’re enjoying a nice ice ream and oops you got a chocolate stain that looks like poo. I’d be mom quick I’ve got a ketchup stain on my grey shirt that need the washing machine now! Come on let the soap work. Come on work baby. I go as to taking off my shirt when eating spaghettos. And I hate when they shrink. Sure you can see my muscles but you can also see nipples. When I was away at university I hated doing the laundry. I’ve waited until five in the morning to use them. And if you don’t take them out right away someone will throw them on the floor.

 

I tell this story often. Me and my brother went to Shawn Burr and Steve Yzerman hockey camp. We got half the Red Wings team signatures on our jerseys. And guess what my mom did. She put them into the washing machine. Yes, she actually did that. I don’t know where they are now. However my bro won the shooting contest and won an awesome stick with Yzerman’s signature. One day when I’m successful, my signature will be worth a lot of money. Too bad I’ve lost the ability to write because I’m so dependent on my laptop.

The Amazing Spiderman

So they’re making an entirely new Spiderman movie called the Amazing Spiderman. Sweet because Spiderman is my favorite comic book hero. He doesn’t have the greatest powers like Ironman or Superman but they’re totally cool. He can climb buildings or swing across them. He can shoot out webs to catch or blind criminals. Or glue a broken chair. His spider sense is always tingling when in danger. I wonder if it goes off accidentally. Some kid might sneak up on him to get an autograph and he turns around and punches the kid in the face.

I love his suit, or spandexes. How did he make his own suit? Is being a tailor one of his powers? Because he would have to jeopardize his identity with a tailor. And the villains might take the poor tailor hostage. I wouldn’t want to be affiliated with Peter Parker or Spiderman. His girlfriends are always in constant danger and poor Aunt May is going to have a stroke any time now.

I also wonder how any heroes or villains get their suits? Is there a sale at K-Mart or do they use the same guy. I heard this guy does great costumes. He just finished doing Wolverine’s. Spiderman better use Tide because you don’t want you suit to lose its colors. And you want to use cold water so it doesn’t shrink.

I know Peter Parker works at the Daily Bugle or People. They never show his camera because his costume doesn’t have pockets. I guess he must use a small Iphone. So he takes pictures of himself in action. Which I don’t get. Does he leave his camera on the streets and set it to go off in a minute? He might as well join the paparazzi to earn some more bucks. He could easily follow them and get great angles on celebrities. And maybe afford to put Aunt May in a nice retirement community.

Doctor Octopus is also my favorite villain. I don’t know if it would be cool to have these metal arms. Sure you could do a lot of multitasking and you wouldn’t have to use your legs any more. But how would you take a shower? His arms must be stainless steel; you don’t want to get them rusty. And how you fit inside a car or plane. Or even sleep with those fucking things sticking out your back?

The Green Goblin is Spiderman’s arch nemeses. He’s got a cool glider and throws pumpkins at people. He originally wanted to be the Blue Goblin but he didn’t want to look too alike Spiderman. He is rich too. If I was him I’d assemble a massive army of Goblins. Each with their own colors. Pink is left for the female Goblins because he wanted to have equal opportunity and how many female villains are there?

Mysterio is the dude that looks like an astronaut or a dude with a fish bowl head. He is a want to be film maker and stunt devil. He lost millions on making Water World. I think he should have given up on being evil and team up with Spiderman to do a film and give back to the community.

Lizard is the like the Hulk for Dr. Connors. He lost his arm, maybe by sticking his hand under a lawn mower, I don’t know. He could no longer play Mario Brothers with one arm and decides splice lizard DNA and become some alligator thing. Not a good idea. He wanted to take down the Crocodile Hunter but lost his chance to a sting ray.

Kraven the Hunter always wants to get the biggest predator there is; Spiderman. But normally he likes shooting deer or just killing them with his own bare arms. He says they will starve to death. But PETA is always after him. He also killed a lion which made an awesome costume.

The King Pin is a crime boss and head of a syndicated mob. And he’s huge. He gets pissed off with Spiderman and he likes saying Spiderman! And he throws a priceless vase against the wall. He should just assemble all the villains to kill the spider.  And he can steel contraband and sell counterfeit Snow Dogs movies.

Electro got his powers; you guessed it, by being struck by lightning. He should have stayed in his car and waited for help. So he has the powers of electricity. I think he should use them for good. I mean what happens if New York loses electricity? People would have to throw out their food from the fridge. I would lose all of my Hungry Man dinners. Or he could start a car battery.

Spiderman wouldn’t do as well in Sarnia. First off there isn’t much crime, unless you live on Kathleen. I suppose he would work at the Observer and sells photos of Spiderman or geese. He would have to do a lot of walking or driving because we have only a few buildings. He can be perched on the Kenwick building but with no other buildings he has to take the cab across town. What’s this? Some teenagers smoking pot, this looks like a job for Spider Man. Dammit I left my web shots at home. Better call crime stoppers.

Fun With Water

I love summer. Bring on the heat! And what’s summer without water sports?

As a kid I loved water fights. Me and my friends would intentionally fill the balloons half full so they won’t explode but smack you right in the face. And then there are the guns. I had super socker 1265 or something. It was almost too heavy to carry. I liked filling them up with freezing cold water and aim right for the eyes. And you could have forgotten slip n slide? What a fun way to pass the time in the heat. I think it would be better to use it on actual hill.

Speaking of slides do you remember the first time going down a water slide at Splash Down? I was so freaking scared of going up the steps. I get up there and was going to go back down. My brother insisted and so I went.  Wow how exhilarating! Now it’s just kind of sad. Good thing the park has water balloon launchers to shoot at people and some good old putt putt.

My family has a massive pool. Well it used to be when we were small. The problem was that my neighbor’s tree hung over the pool so the pool is in the shade and bugs would drop down into the pool. Oh great another spider. So you had to clean regularly. Put some more chlorine in it dad. And put the cover on. I never just leap into the pool; I had to do it gradually step by step. Now without the trees its gets a lot better.

We had a diving board but it cracked. I think it was one of my brother’s friends that went on it and it finally collapsed under his feet. We ordered a new one but the business went bankrupt. Years later we find out they opened again. I was never able to do flips like my brother. Every time I wuss out or land right on my back. He also sometimes jumps from the garage. Which I think is stupid. If you missed calculated it then there goes your legs.

We played some water sports in the pool.  One was Marco polo. It was awesome but I knew people cheated. Hey you looked. Hey you didn’t say polo. I was underwater. The most fun part was fish out of water. I was already in the air too late sucka. We also played a thing similar to water polo where the steps are the net. But it has to stay in. If you hit the ball out of the pool you get a penalty. Whoever wins gets to play goalie. And its always good fun to play king of the innertube.

But having a pool is not all cracked up to be. Now the only thing I do in the pool is cool off; maybe lay in the chair. I like Stic’s pool; you can make whirlpools or use his toys. Ha-ha use his toys? And I like to see how long someone can stay underwater. I think Stics has me beat. This guy can stay under water for more than a minute. Me? I can’t afford to lose any more brain cells.

Coffee Head

I’m Greg Merchant and I’m addicted to coffee. Or anything with caffeine. Like how the sun is the source of Superman’s power, coffee is my energy. Without it I would sleep even more. Right now I sleep 12 hours including naps. So I usually go to Tim Horton’s to get my morning coffee to perk me up. I always get a XL double double coffee. If they made XXL coffee I’d get that. Because it’s never enough. My mom tells me that if I drink coffee everyday at Tims than I will have spent over $600 a year. That’s a lot of money. I could buy even more video games or sponsor a child. Ha-ha sponsor a child. But seriously my mom already does sponsor a child.

As a child, pop was my favorite beverage. I don’t know the first time I drank some but I’m sure it was awesome. It was a time when we had glass bottles which you dispose at the grocery store. There was no disgusting master’s choice or prime minister’s choice. My mom actually bought Pepsi and other kinds of Pepsi flavors. I always picked the Pepsi brand pops like Seven Up or Barqs. Now I hear of kids not allowed to drink pop. How sad, I would run away from home and sell my blood for some Jolt. I mean other than tooth decay and hyperactive kids what’s wrong with pop?

I have done the Pepsi test and aced it. What I don’t get is if Pepsi Max or Coke Zero have the same great taste with zero calories than why they even have regular pop? I bet because it doesn’t taste the same and people are thinking they are being healthier for getting diet pop.

In high school I drank a shit load pop. I would hang out at Stickleys and drink all of their pop. Normally four or five cans. Good thing I have good livers. At McDonalds or the theaters I ask for no ice cubes. Or sometimes only water. Speaking of which I wished I started the whole bottle water industry. Who would have thought filling a bottle with a hose and saying it comes from some natural spring would do so well. I’m thinking of making a bottle called Hose Water and sell it cheaper than the rest. All I need is some start off cash.

And later then I got hooked on beer. But I should have drank coffee in high school. I was always too tired and spent the morning with my head down. I tried to sleep at seven o’cock; I mean seven o'clock but couldn’t fall asleep. If only school started an hour later. I think the best feeling is when you wake up and you don’t have to go yet and you can sleep for another ten minutes. I did try coffee once but I thought it was the most disgusting thing.

But one faithful day at University I had two exams and decided to drink some coffee and see what everyone was talking about. Wow! I was perked up and spent the whole night studying. I became instantly hooked. I love coffee but I drink it warm. So now I drink a lot of instant coffee several times a day.

And then came energy drinks. I get them at Dollarama, they’re cheap and effective. And they taste great. Redbull started off with cans, but now you can get energy drinks in the form of a shot glass or even gum. How far can they go? Are there regulations on how much caffeine and other chemicals you can put in? I mean there has to be a limit. Of course the first Coca Cola was made with, you guess it, cocaine. Still I love them and they perk you up so you can get even more hammered because you are awake. My friends on the other hand are concerned about my health and other things. Like Big Macs or crossing the road.

Thirty Minutes or the Pizza is Free

Working at Little Caesars pizza was the most fun job I ever had. I actually enjoyed myself. Unlike working at RHM or Wal-Mart where I count down the minutes until my shift is over. All you do hang out, answer the phone and deliver pizza. I get a satisfaction of giving hungry people a little taste of heaven.

The staff was fantastic. Even the manager was cool.  For whatever reason everyone knew I smoke pot. I never even said anything, they just assumed. During a slow day I thought it would be fun getting burnt. Well I smoked too much. It took me a half hour to find this place. I was looking for some apartment and didn’t realize the right ones were across the street. And there was a cop car and I was freaking out. Later I almost walked out without the pizza bag.

It was really fun driving around looking for places and listening to the radio. I always bring a map just in case. My second day my buddy told me where to go. Well I got lost and spent twenty minutes trying the find the place. Surprisingly they dude didn’t care. Good thing my manager wasn’t there, because that looks bad for my second day.

The problem was that we didn’t even get minimum wage. We only made money per delivery and any tips. And we had to pay for gas. On the weekends you can make about $75 in four hours, but barely make anything during the day on weekdays. So it wasn’t really worth it because of the gas and wear and tear of the car.

You need to know the shortest routes when you deliver pizza. And often times I go a different way on the way back. Obviously you need to know how to avoid the lights and make right hand turns. Sometimes the addresses get fucked up or you have to go down a one way street. I was pulled over one time by a cop during a busy Friday. I did a rolling stop and he asks did I stop and I say yes. Okay.

Even though we don’t get paid for taking calls, we still had to do it. I mean I'm playing Pokemon and I have to answer the phone while I’m in the middle of catching Snorlax. Sometimes kids pull the whole ordering ten pizzas to someone else’s house. I usually give it the boss if I sound fishy. Ordering anchovies is a big warning sign. And they don’t realize that we have caller ID and that the people who get the pizza don’t have to pay a cent. It is not their fault.

As I said, we depend on tips. At least two dollars is a decent amount, unless they order many pizzas or live far away. I find the poorer people give better tips. Once I had to drive all the way over to the Ciccarellili’s place to get two dollars. My biggest tip was like $26. I was like are you sure? He wasn’t even drunk. I mean I know people who are drunk give hood tips. And I hated getting a handful of change or the credit card thingy for a $10 pizza.

I tell this story often. I go across town and deliver pizza to this little girl. And I assume she’s giving me a one dollar tip because she didn’t ask for change. Well the parents call three hours later and want the dollar back. And I’m like what? So I had to drive all the way over again to give this cheap ass bitch a loonie. I was like here! Now when I look back it was pretty funny.

There was this one rat I later find out that he was taking all of the easy deliveries for himself while I had to drive all over town. We usually close at two right when all of those stoners get the munchies. But my manager is like screw it, we are closing I want to go home.

Then we get a new owner and ruined our morale. We had to wear these cheap hats that I would take off anyway. This was when they started the new Hot n Ready pizza. This definitely wasn’t good for the drivers. So I delivered a pizza to the this guy and it was too cold. My mistake, but she was pissed. Good thing I quit a week later because I got a job at Wal-Mart again.

I do however miss getting pizzas half off. I would make mine with triple cheese and extra pepperoni. Wow you never realize how good you had it until it’s gone. And why do they still have these kids carrying signs. I think everyone knows about the Hot N Ready by now. And I found it funny that sometimes you have to wait or it’s cold. Not very Hot N Ready at all.

Useless Courses

I use to be intelligent. Then came high school and people are like what happened? Because of this my favorite courses were the useless ones where you don’t have to think, like art, drama, physical education and religion.

Phys-ed or gym class was loads of fun. The fat kids get dreary of getting picked skins. Especially when they have to run. Too bad it wasn’t coed. I would love that. When we played basketball you get the two captains to pick players. Now I use to be quite the athlete in elementary school. I played in a basketball league called Shamrock and that’s where I shined. But this was high school and people didn’t know me. And so I ended up getting picked almost last at gym. I think the kid with crutches and some dork were picked last. Few days later my captain tells me that I’m a really good player. Of course the teacher Mr. Taluse or Captain Douche had it in for me for whatever reason. He did this a couple of times. Hey, Greg I’m giving a lecture here stop talking. And I didn’t even say anything or make a sound. I would have said what the fuck except he probably would have me expelled.

Art was my favorite subject. I have always been a good drawer since Kindergarten. While most kids drew these balls with things sticking out, I drew something that actually looks like something. I loved drawing Nintendo characters like Yoshi or Mega Man villains. Being a huge fan of Star Wars I drew them as well. Especially Boba Fett, Darth Vader, the Millennium Falcon and Aunt Beru. I belong to the Dark Side, just letting you know. And I would help the girls by drawing stuff like a mean soccer ball. Then came high school and we started using good paint and not that shitty old school puck paint. We did everything, including paperchay (no clue how to spell it) where I made a hockey player with teeth missing and a black eye. We worked with clay and I did the bust of our former Prime Minister Jean Chretien with his droopy lips. Art was sociable; I think half the class was playing pokemon at the time. Yes I’ve caught Pikachu! What’s that Greg? Oh nothing.  I had to do a speech about Picasso. Everybody loved my speeches, not because I what I wrote but how I said it. My blogs are a lot funnier if you read how I would say it. You got to put emphases on Pikachu! So I made Picasso look like this huge homo because he slept in the same bed with his roommate and defiantly had some woman issues if you seen his work.

Religion had to be the most useless of them all. I know it’s a catholic school but we should have the option of not taking religion. This is how much I learned. Fuck all.

What a waste of time. We already heard how Jebus will save our lives or that Abraham saved every specie in the world from a flood. I think it would be much easier to build a monster bar with Coors Light to lure the people in. Then Abraham with a gun given by the good Lord would shoot them all. Of course one teacher, Mr. Man knew it was complete horse shit. In fact me and Aaron did a funny presentation in the class where I did the voice of Jebus. But Govieaha (I have no fucking clue how to spell it) did believe this shit. And he ends up cheating with another teacher’s wife. My cousin who is a huge evangelist did the same thing. I’m an atheist and even I wouldn’t do that just because of my morals.

I have always loved acting. I was part of the drama class in old school and of course I pretty much played myself. You have to be King Kenny Cool (I just realized my character’s name is one letter from the KKK) you’re the funny guy and such a goof. Years later my brother informed me that the word goof is a bad prison term that you should never call someone this. Drama was the easiest credit. We actually did breathing exercises. How can you fail? The only work was like two essays. I knew a lot of people in my class; it was a riot. I remember playing this old lady with Stics. I didn’t quite hit puberty yet and so I had this heavenly voice that sounded like a woman. Drama has also got to be the funniest subject to teach. I don’t know if our teacher is a drop out actress or just got lucky.

Good thing I excelled in these courses; it defiantly helped out my average. And yes I did graduate. As you can tell, English was my poorest subject. You have no idea how much I depend on spell check. I can barely write down a message for a phone call. Greg is this a seven or a one or is this an eight or a six. And who is this? Who is Sam? I forget.  I almost failed French. I don’t even know why we have to take it. You either do know or do not know French, there is no try. And so I made it to Western University, maybe because my Dad is an alumni and donates to the school. And then I dropped out and here I am, living in my parents’ basement.