New Years Resolution: Not to Be an Idiot

New Years is fast approaching and I am excited. Hmm, actually I’m not. It seems that parties and get togethers are becoming smaller and smaller. And I have everyday off and I drink all of the time anyway. So it’s not much different than my everyday life except when I’m watching Golden Girls I don’t feel as lonely as when I’m watching the ball drop and having nobody to kiss. Or even a pity kiss.

My parents are having a party at our place and I think I might just stick around and get drunk with them. Or I might hang out with my brother and his friends and get wasted. But if anyone is having a party and need some weed I’m your man.

Back in high school you would have a million friends and would go to awesome parties. One of my favorite ones were at Steve’s place and I did some shrooms and had an awesome time. No paranoia; I didn’t freak out or try to drive home. I was laughing at things that weren’t the least funny. Such as a clock. One memory at the party is when Sticks got too drunk too fast. Hilarious. We were doing all sorts of stupid things to him and he couldn’t do anything about it. Out of a moment of clarity he asks me to help him. Haha. I was too busy looking at the turtle. He looks like a koopa troopa. And look he went back into his shell. Priceless.

So what is your resolution? I think I ran out of things I need to change because I’m perfect. Haha. Like most people I fuck up my resolution in early January such as not to litter. I broke that up by throwing a pop bottle in someone’s bushes because my hands were cold and I didn’t want to carry it back home. Or I spit gum on the ground because I’m not swallowing that shite. Who knows where it goes. I never smoked but I think I gave that up.  One was to be nice to people. Which I am. However you can’t be nice if someone calls you a fag. Why thank you for calling him a homo, I’m not gay but thanks for the complement buddy.

What ever happened to me? I use to be smart in elementary school but slowly and surly I lost my intelligence in high school. People blame it on the weed or the booze but this was before I tried either. This year my resolution is to not me dumb or not to so dumberer. First I need to stop asking so many damn questions. Especially questions I should already know like how do they get the caramel in the caramilk bar? Sometimes I say something or anything during a pause when talking to people just for the sake of talking. I tell uninteresting stories or too many stories about getting baked or even this blog for instance. Also I should stop smoking so much weed because that can’t help either. I should stop screwing up jokes like the whole “wait one second story”.  Sticks says it way better than I do. I should stop saying umm or ah some many damn times. I should think what I want to say before I say it instead of saying umm or ah. Or I should just stop talking.

Hunting

Christmas kicked ass. I got everything I wanted minus a pony and world peace. My brother got me this shot gun and shot gun game for the Wii. It’s called Top Shot Arcade and it kicks ass. Moose ass. I wanted a real a gun but this is Canada. Eh.  

The gun is very realistic; you actually have to cock it (ha cock) to reload. And it comes with a scope which is pretty useless considering the target is way off. The commentator does get annoying after a while because he says only ten things.

It’s a huge improvement over Duck Hunt. Remember Duck Hunt? At the time it kicked ass. I played right up close to the television. I love the dog too. I tried shooting him but nothing happened. I think they could have further used the zapper with more games for it.

So my whole family played Top Shot Arcade. My mom likes it because you’re not killing people. I beg to differ; I think a western game would kick ass. I also would like to play dictator hunting including the late Kim Jong and Osama Bin Laden.

I forget the last time I played video games with my dad. I think it was this airplane game for the NES. I tried to get him to play Golden Eye but he was worse than a guy with a metal hook. He loves it and is better than me. My problem is the shaking hands.

I am an animal lover. I don’t think I could actually kill deer in real life because they are gentle and cute. I also think I would be killing Bambi’s mother or Thumper. However I would kill geese. I think they make Canada look stupid. They are the most annoying creatures on Earth. They sound annoying, they don’t move out of the way and they shit green shit all over the fucking place.

My neighbor is a huge hunter. He says that it’s better to kill deer than to let them starve. I agree but after seeing dead deer carcasses I couldn’t stomach it. However I would like to try deer meat for the sake of trying it. And I think those deer head mantles on the wall are just a bit creepy.

Merry Present Day

Now with my $50 allowance I can afford to buy any toy I want. However I find it funner (my mom: more fun) to wait till Christmas to receive gifts. I like to look forward to Christmas this way. Otherwise it’s hockey tape and socks for this guy. I always wonder if some naughty child actually gets coal. That would be hilarious!

Anyway I have been good this year. I open doors for old people, I entertain people with this blog page and I vacuum the basement. Twice. I always wondered when the deadline for making the list. The elves need a long time to make the toys right? So Santa must figure out who is good and who is naughty long before Christmas.  

I was also curious what would happen if Santa lost his list. The elf operator would be: so Santa you lost your list? Don’t worry we saved it on your laptop. Wait, um it crashed. I think some horny elf got a virus downloading hot elf porn. God dammit. So Santa what the fuck are you going to do now?

I am looking forward to opening presents. I mentioned this before but I want the new Zelda game, the New Mario game, a shotgun game for the Wii, Simpson trivial pursuit and some gift certificates. But my dad has no clue about video games so I ended up buying them with my dad. So really it’s no surprise. A surprise would be the new 3DS or a chop shop.

I still remember a couple of outstanding gifts that I received as a kid. The time we got the new VCR was awesome. Now we could rent movies and watch them in the basement. So long Betamax. Year later I still have a VCR and purchased over 100 VHS tapes for real cheap. Both my dad and brother get pissed off when I buy more. Honestly I can’t even tell the difference between blue ray and VHS and you can watch movies that you can’t download or rent any longer.

A Christmas tradition is getting Don Cherry’s Rockem Sockem. I think we have up to a dozen of them. I like watching them before hockey to get me pumped up. And the fights kicked ass.

When we were small my dad got us goalie pads for road hockey. And these were adult goalie pads and I was small. They came up to my chest and I could hardly move. But they kicked ass! They weren’t those shitty rubber pads. The next year we got a goalie glove, blocker and goalie stick. I miss road hockey and mini sticks.

And who could forget the guitar. First off we paid over $300 for the guitar, amp, stand, bag, tester thingy and some picks. When we could have just gone to the pawn shop. I thought I would live my dream and become a rock star. Well that dream died and now we have a guitar missing one string just sitting there in my basement. I think I should have asked for a triangle and spend the money on Big Macs.

It’s a Wonderful Life

It’s a Wonderful Life is one of the only black and white movies that I really enjoyed. That and Schindler's List. At film class we watched a shitload of these boring movies that I would never watch. However Singing in the Rain and Citizen Kane were okay. By the way it’s his sled.

The thing is you have to watch the entire movie to feel good. This happen a couple of times; I’m watching the movie when everything goes to shit and my friends come by and we head out. And I’m left feeling so down and wondering what will come of poor old George Bailey.

So he’s about to try to kill himself and his dufus wingless guardian angel decides to jump in himself before George. And then George then jumps off the bridge to save said dufus. Hmm… I need to a calculator because things don’t add up.

I feel bad for his family. He is pretty selfish when he doesn’t really care for his hot wife that loves him. He’s like Stics; he doesn’t want any children or even like his home town Sarnia. And he called his daughter Zuzu… Hey I want to travel the world and become a video game designer. But it aint going to happen.

So George wishes he was never born and Clarence his guardian angel shows what would happen without him. Well everything goes wrong. His brother died from falling into the ice and as a result he never kicked ass as a fighter pilot. Henry Potter (very similar to Harry Potter) is the rich and greedy asshole takes over the town. And George’s would be wife becomes a hoar. Or something. But don’t worry, George is exuberant (my big word of the day) and wants to live and everything is wonderful.

I think my own guardian angel is an alcoholic and gambler. He never really has done much for me. I have even rung bells and even door bell a thousand times. Every fucking angel must have wings by now. But I wonder what would happen without Greg. Probably not too much.

Walt Disney: Cartoons

I was never really a big fan of Disney characters nor do I like the Disney Magic Kingdom. And Mickey just really bothers me.

Mickey is this giant black mouse that doesn’t look anything like a mouse. He’s got stupid circles that are supposed to look like ears. Mickey has this high pitch squeal voice and annoying laugh. Oh boy! Haha nice gloves too. I will lay giant mousetraps if he came anywhere close to my house. Now is Mickey’s last name Mouse or is every mouse called mouse? Because that might mean his girl friend Minnie are related.

Mickey has a pet dog which makes no sense at all. A mouse having a pet dog. Hmm. All of the rest of Disney characters can walk upright and talk. But not Pluto. I wonder if he can do any tricks. And Mickey how come he never wears a lease. Who knows what could happen, Pluto might get rabies and bite Tiny Tim.

Donald Duck is the gay sailor that doesn’t wear pants. I can’t understand a fucking word he is saying. They should definitely have him do hooked on phonics. He is such a spaz; every thing seems to piss him off. And I think he is a bit mentally challenged. However he does have a lady friend Daisy. I wonder why they call him Duck because I’m pretty sure everyone knows he’s a duck.

Donald is the uncle of the triplets Huey, Dewey, Louie. Their real father is Deadbeat Duck and their mom Druggy Duck. They left the triplets before they hatched. But good call on the names. It is bad enough they are called stupid names, like Dewey, but no, their names rhyme. The only way you can tell them apart is by what clothes they wear. I bet two of the triplets dislike the other one.

Scrooge McDuck is the rich uncle of the triplets and star of the awesome show Duck Tales. Is Scrooge brothers with Donald? He is of course Scottish. How did he accumulate his money? Scrooge keeps his riches in this giant vault and enjoys jumping into a pile of gold coins and swimming around. Umm, he should be dead. I tried jumping into a pile of pennies from the roof. Didn’t work. Years later he hung himself after losing everything to Enron.

What is Goofy? Is he a cross between a person and dog? Gorsh. Calling someone a goof is not a good idea in prison. Yahooo! The mog is always fucking up everything. Gorsh. If you remember there was a stupid show called Goof Troop. Once again not a nice name. So the goof is a single father that moves home to be with his son Max, who is totally fucking rad as you can see with his rad name and rad sunglasses. Where did Goofy’s wife go to anyway? I think Max was a mistake and she couldn’t take Goofy anymore. So like the mentally challenge retard I am Sam I don’t think the goof is capable of being a father. Gorsh. I don’t even think he’s capable to drive Max to soccer game without getting into a horrible accident and killing Tiny Tim. Gorsh!

My favorite Disney cartoon was the Christmas Carol. I haven’t seen it for ages but I loved it as a kid. I remember at first there was snowball fight between Donald and the triplets that just kept escalating. At one point the boys started a fire on their ice ship and shot a Donald’s ice ship with fire arrows that melted his ice ship. Hmm, I don’t know how their own ship didn’t melt? A good time that reminded me of my own childhood with the ole snowball fight. Too bad I throw like a chick.

The Christmas Coral starred Scrooge as Ebenezer umm, Ebenezer Scrooge. I guess that is his starring role. And Mickey is his underpaid worker who can’t afford shit. However he keeps his spirits high despite that fact he is dirt poor and his son Tiny Tim is a cripple that might die any minute because Scrooge doesn’t give Mickey any health coverage. I would like if Mickey tells Scrooge to fuck off I’m quitting! So Scrooge is visited by his dead partner and swindler Goofy who warns of the three ghosts. While Pinocchio is sleeping Jimmy Cricket, the ghost of Christmas Past, shows what he could be boning if he wasn’t so damn greedy and loses a nice piece of ass over money. The ghost of Christmas Present is the giant that shows Scrooge how fucking sad Mickey’s family is when all they have to eat are two chicken wings and some beans. And then the ghost of Christmas Future brings Scrooge into the cemetery and shows what will happen to Tiny Tim. And then he shoves Scrooge into his grave. But that wouldn’t be a good Christmas movie if it ends there now would it. My favorite part is when Scrooge is still alive and high as a kite and gives away money for the poor, welfare and lazy. And to top it off Scrooge barges into Mickey’s house and gives away presents and a butterball turkey. And Tiny Tim says God bless us every one of us. Or to some degree.

Garage Sale

Do you ever watch hoarders? That’s my house. We have so much shit that we don’t use or don’t need. We are running out places to keep all this of crap that has been just piling up. The junk has been growing like a vine from one room to the next. A real eye sore.

We say this every summer that we should have a huge garage sale. Sure you hardly make any money but at least it’s like the sang: one man’s junk is another man’s treasure. So some pirate is going to hull a bounty of riches.

So I hope I make people happy and just get rid of everything. Except for my Winnie Pooh stuffed animal, I will never let go of Poo. Or we could donate stuff to the Goodwill. But not Value Village because Goodwill’s profits go to the needy.

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First to go is the old treadmill. This thing is massive and doesn’t work because it’s manual. You actually move it yourself. So it doesn’t feel like running and it just stops when I step on it. Once again my mom is too cheap to buy a decent one only to save some toonies. And it ended up being such a waste of money. And now we already have a treadmill that actually works.

Then there is the ancient computer monitor. At the time it was first rate but this behemoth is so fucking bulky you can’t fit it on your desk. And we already have a flat screen monitor just laying there that we will never need either.

I have stacks of magazines such as Maxim, Stuff and FHM but I think I will just hang on to them. Who knows maybe they will be worth something some day. I will still read one if I’m bored. Too bad they don’t carry Maxim at the dentist office. However I don’t think I need my Nintendo Power magazines anymore. They have previews for the latest game like Star Fox and the vibrating thing. And they have hot tips on Banjo Kazooie.

My NES and all of my NES games have to go. I can already play them on my newer gaming consoles and they were just not as fun as they did back in old school. Aside from playing Basewars and Punch Out I’ll never use it again. I have nowhere to plug it and they hardly work anymore. Maybe I can sell it at this video games store and buy me a Big Mac. I will still keep the Power Glove, it’s so badass.

There is this ancient phone just laying there on the shelf that I persistently ask my mom to throw it away. You can’t give away this phone. I’m thinking of just taking it out and smashing it to pieces. Or I could use it for spare parts for my robot David 2300.

I was in my early twenties but since I couldn’t have a cat or dog I thought of getting a hamster I named Trip. I got him a huge cage with all the fixings a hamster needs to enjoy a hamster’s life. I got Trip dozen of tubes to go through. It sounded like a good idea at the time. However it’s a pain in the ass to clean them. I had to put Trip in a mini cage to clean his humble home.

So now I’m in my late twenties and I’m pretty sure I’m never going to buy anymore hamsters. So we have all of shit just sitting looking messy. Speaking of pets I also got a chameleon that ended up costing me over a $200 worth of lights and stuff. And it died on me a month later. So if anyone is up for the challenge I’ll offer some of my pet stuff for free.

I have nude pictures of Rosy Odonnell but I already got them stored on my external hard drive. I just find it easier to look at them in my computer and my mom won’t find my nude Rosy pics under my bed.

I love my trampoline but too bad I have nowhere to put it now with my dad’s garden. I did lend it to my brother and the neighbors loved it. They offered a $100 but I turned it down. I feel so bad now I should have let them keep it. Now it’s just there lying in the garage. Then my mom buys one of those mini trampolines. I have no idea why? I rather jump on my bed. Seriously it’s completely useless and you can’t use it inside without hitting the ceiling like your are fucking Super Mario.

I’ve tried to throw out one of our trashcans but the damn garbage truck won’t pick them up. (Editors Note: I actually copied this joke from Harland Williams stand up; very funny comedian.).

My mom has this drawer full of all of this random shit. We actually have like five calculators and also calculators on our computers. So my mom should get rid of some of them because I never use calculators anyway. Seriously what do I need a calculator for? My mom won’t be like hurry Greg what’s a million plus a million? And how many loafs of bread can I get with $25? The only reason I’d need one is to converting my PCP from ounces to pounds.

We have this broken piece of green shit massaging pad that goes on a chair. Again fucking useless and it’s missing the power cord if anyone wants a green piece of shit. And I already have a new one that kicks ass. It feels good, I recommend one.

We have a ping pong table that won’t fit in our basement anymore. But I love ping pong, very fun. Especially when you put money on the line. I was offered $30 and I asked for more and now it’s just sitting there in the garage waiting to be played by the future ping pong champion.

I have one piece of the mystical Triforce. But by itself it’s useless. So first come first serve. Who knows maybe you will find the remaining two pieces and save Hyrule from the clutches of the evil Gannon.

I have a million clothes. And millions of clothes I will never ever wear. Some of the clothes are pretty decent but too small like my Doc Martin boots or my wrestling shoes. Who knows maybe my wrestling magic still resides there waiting for a new wrestler to merge and become champion of the world. I also have roller blades that are just a little too small for my huge feet. But who rollerblades now anyway?

And my dad still has clothes from the seventies that only use would be if I must go back in time in the seventies on a secret government assignment and blend in with people of that time. And invent rollerblades.

I still have pogs but nobody will play with me. I’m like get out your pogs friend for a wicked night of pogs for keeps. I also have all of these games and such I will never play with because my friends are too busy with jobs and kids. I bought two original Xbox controller for five bucks. But I know they will never be used. My friends like drinking and not playing Halo all night.

The guitar was a complete waste of money. Money that could buy me weeks worth of Big Macs or to feed little Timmy. I thought that I’m on my reverse retirement and that I have all of the time in the world to get lessons. But my dream of becoming the next Bryan Adams failed. It just wasn’t meant to be.

And now we have boxes full of other boxes and I feel like Redd Foxx.

Here is Some Rambling Nonsense Because I’m Stoned

I can be a very gullible person; I believe almost anything I hear. Such as when I bought a used television that didn’t work even though the sticker said tested. Twice. I also do stupid things like the whole you got something on your shirt gag and you look down and the person hits you in your nose. I actually fell for it. Twice. Within one hour. Maybe because I’m trustworthy, maybe I have no short term memory or maybe because I spill shit on my shirt a lot.

But if I take a second to ponder something I can be quite wise. That’s why I am atheist. Out of nowhere here is an example of the whole Solomon the Wise. I recall something to the degree that there are two women claiming that the baby is theirs and Solomon said something like to cut to the baby in half and whoever gives up the baby is the rightful mother. This is so stupid on so many levels. First off the rightful mother might not be the real mom. And I think both mothers would give up the baby instead of fucking cutting the baby in half. But what the fuck happens if both mothers agree to have the baby cut. Think about that one Solomon.

You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.

As you all know by now that I’m an atheist and I think I can be quite the philosopher. Everyone has all of those deep questions about the universe, life and religion. Why are we here? What’s the point of life?  What do you call male ballerinas? Why doesn’t anyone love me?

I think the point of life is different for each individual. For me its sounds simple, do whatever makes you happy and do what makes others happy. If you like playing Magic Cards all day then fuck it; do whatever makes you feel good as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. Just maybe you should take a brake every once in a while and tell your mom you love her and go play some Boggle.

Others might think that life shouldn’t be all about hedonism and to follow whatever the bible teaches. They follow Jesus and Jesus in turn wants them to do good things. And more ambitious people might devote their life helping the world like finding cures, saving the whales and making me delicious Big Macs.

However I have no fucking clue why are we here. Or why there is anything at all really. One of my ideas is that the Universe is just perfect, from the tiniest atom to the enormous galaxies. For one thing we have the best possible planet to support life. And do you ever wonder what would happen if our days were 24 hours and 5 minutes? I’m no math wizard but wouldn’t that fuck up everything?

There a lot of quotes that I’m just too lazy to look them up. One quote I like is I think therefore I am.  And I like the whole what a tree sounds like if it falls and there is nobody in the forest to hear it. I think that applies to life. Would the Universe exist without people? Sure it would because I’m actually an android G-259 sent to Earth to learn your culture and plan an all-out world invasion.

The brain is a curious thing; here’s my analogy. The brain is like the hard drive and the mind is like the Windows application. Without Windows (or Lenox) there is no mind. I find it miraculous how all of these brain cells intertwine and interact to create consciousness. Weird isn’t it.

I also find it strange how geese fly in “Vs” to promote lift and conserve energy. I mean if you could ask them they wouldn’t know anything about it. Now I’m not good at trying to express my thoughts but I think animals are just, lack of a better word, programmed to do whatever they do. Much like how our heart beeps on its own.

Back to the brain. My point is that as soon as the brain develops; a being is selected from out of nowhere. People are born and live their life until the blood stops flowing to their brain and the person ceases to exist. And I mean completely. Nothing before or after their life. And I think this applies to animals as well.

You can look at it in many ways now. Some people may feel chosen to live their life. Sure we all have problems but in general we live a happy life. However other less fortunate people might feel trapped into existences. I feel bad for people who live a shitty life such as a burn victim. Seriously they are created without their consent to live a life they don’t want. But in the end life in general is good and we should feel fortunate with what we have and not worry about what we don’t have.

Trinity: I know why you're here, Greg. I know what you've been doing... why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit by your computer. You're looking for him. I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn't really looking for him. I was looking for an answer. It's the question that drives us, Greg. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did.

Me: What is the Matrix?

The Legends of Zelda 2

I don’t know if other people can make comments or can only Lisa? If you do know how to comment than make a comment of how to do it and I will do it.

I kind of like some positive feedback. Nothing mean because I just can’t handle that criticism. But I would love to hear from others. You don’t have to know me than feel free to drop a line if you think my blogs are funny or interesting or you have a request for a new blog.

At first I wrote my webpage out of complete boredom and loneness. It was something productive to do instead of just sitting there vegging out and watching television all day. Don’t get me wrong I am the couch potato. But I felt a calling. I love making people laugh. There is nothing better than making a cute girl laugh. But not a fake laugh that ditzy girls do just to please a guy.

People have always found me weird and funny in person. For example I was the king of stone face or I made the best speeches.  Part of the problem about writing on the internet is that people don’t read how I intended them to read it and that’s a huge part of my humor.

Anyway my blogpage has become almost an obsession. I want as many people to read it. The funny part is that my Canadian fans found out about my page from me posting links on Facebook. However everyone else must have found about it from searching certain keywords such as Octum’s razor or just stumbled on it or found about from a friend American fans have visited my site over 600 times. Which is awesome. I also had people from Latvia check it out and I don’t know where the fuck that is.

So my number one fan Lisa loves Zelda and Zelda like games such as Dark Cloud. But not those traditional RPGs where you type what to do. They’re not her cup of Lipton green tea. So I just wrote a huge blog about Zelda and she wants more. It’s not easy as it seems but I can never refuse a fan. So I already wrote about the original Zelda, Zelda 2, Zelda Link to the Past and Zelda: Orcina of Time.

So that means I must write about Zelda Majora’s Mask, Zelda Links Awakening, Zelda Oracle of Ages, Zelda Oracle of Seasons, Zelda Minish Cap, Zelda the Wind Waker and Zelda Twilight Princess. Zelda Phantom Hourglass and Zelda Spirit Tracks (Editors note: I realize I didn’t have to keep writing Zelda but fuck it).

I never beaten Majora’s Mask but I hear its much harder than Orcina of Time. For one thing you have only three days to save Hyrule. It takes me at least two months to save Sarnia. Imagine how frustrating it would be if every three days you lose all of your money and items. Fuck that. On day two I going to go spend all my money on coke and hookers.

Zelda Links Awakening is an awesome Gameboy game. The problem is that you have only four buttons. So you use button A and B for items. And A is usually devoted to the sword. So it’s a bitch having to constantly change items when needed. Still I had fun beating it. I also have the two Zelda pairs Oracle of Ages and Oracle of Seasons. I played it for an hour and never really got around to it. 

Zelda Minish Cap was cool too. It reminded of Honey I Shrunk the Kids. I loved that movie. But I think the wife would be a little more pissed off that her husband the dork shrunk the kids. Hi wife I may have accidentally shrunk and possible killed our children and the neighbors’ children. And she would be like what the fuck did you do! I want a divorce. I want a divorce! And I don’t think a remote control lawn mower is a good idea.

What would you do with a minish cap? That would be fun for a while. Imagine eating a giant Big Mac and Mc Flurry. Or you could get hammered by a table spoon of Molson Canadian. My 13 inch screen T.V. would be like an IMAX theatre.  I don’t know what you can shrink? Is it just your clothes or can you shrink anything you hold. Back to Zelda, I would be afraid of getting stepped on those squid creatures that spit out shit. And maybe I’m reading into this too much.

At first I didn’t like the whole cartoon style of the Wind Waker but it grew on me. I would love having a talking boat. Too bad the talking boat wouldn’t let me go wherever I wanted to go. Stupid talking boat. I’ll swim then. I love fishing and just sailing away. It reminds me of Florida. Too bad the pirates are complete pussies.

Phantom Hourglass for the DS kicked ass. My only qualm is that I find it annoying using the pen to move Link around. For one thing I’m left handed and my hand is covering part of the damn screen. I never got around to playing Spirit Tracks. Chou Chou!

I had Twilight but I lent my brother my Wii and then he let the neighbor’s kids it borrow some of the games and I never got them back. Well I got another Wii and I’m thinking of getting it. Again. My question is did Zelda Twilight Princess come out before or after the Twilight series. I mean they are both called Twilight and the characters turn into wolves. But for a chick flick it kicked ass and the chick is so hot. However I already know that I’m getting the Skyward Sword and I will rather play it first. For one thing I bought it with my dad so there is not surprise really when I open it. But I will be ecstatic. Screw spending time with your friends and family I’m playing Zelda! 

The Legends of Zelda

Zelda! Where the Fuck are You?!

My favorite video games have to be the Zelda series. Zelda is the perfect combination of solving puzzles, quests and action. And saving Hyrule from the clutches of the evil Gannon and obtaining the all powerful Triforce.

I know you all love that adventure music. You know what I’m talking about.

The original Zelda for the Nintendo Entertainment System was a milestone in gaming history. Before that most games where on a single screen or just really lame, like Qubert. And you couldn’t tell what the fuck these pixels were; like Space Invaders. Most people didn’t own an Atari or a Commodore and hit the arcade instead. Sure Pacman was fun at the arcade because you want to get the high score. We had it a home and it got boring in an hour. And I was very easily amused as a kid. I think I had more fun playing with a balloon.

Zelda was one of the first games where you can save your progress, buy items and just have an epic adventure. And for whatever reason you can shoot energy beams out of your sword when you have full life. The puzzles were not too difficult. Some all you do is move a block or press a switch. The first time around was the most difficult because it can get pretty tricky. So unless you subscribed to Nintendo Power or know MacGyver you might be stuck forever.

Such as when you have to go through a maze to get to the seventh dungeon. I got my cousin to help me out. Spoiler Alert! All you do is just go straight eight times. And I recall finding the master sword right away in the cemetery. However when you finally do defeat Gannon with the blue arrow, or whatever, you unlock a completely new adventure that’s much much harder. I never did finish it.

Remember all of the creatures? There was that giant hand that picks you up and sends you to the entrance of the dungeon. There were these fucking maggot things that would eat your shield. There were those annoying spider things that jump around, the damn zora water creatures and the hog guys from Return of the Jedi.

Zelda 2: Links Adventure was the weirdest one of them all. The what I call the adventure view showed the Zelda world top down. You travel around to get to places and if you veer off the pathways you get these monsters that try to catch you. But in the towns and dungeons you move side scrolling just like Mario.

Link’s adventure is the only one where you gain experience. The hardest part is just getting to the last dungeon. I love fighting your own shadow. And I really love the slimes, especially the giant one. I actually feel like playing it right now on my DS! So watch out Gannon I’m coming after you!

Zelda A Link to the Past was a top, maybe the best, video game for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System. I never had so much fun. It took a while for me to beat it and my mom thought I could be doing something more productive with my time. But mom, I’m saving Princess Zelda and Hyrule. My mom would be: Zelda what? The graphics and music were great; I love that mystical sound when you do something right like opening a treasure or getting the allusive heart container. I also love when the chickens go crazy or when you capture a bee and let it loose on the bad guys.

Zelda Orcina of Time has to be one of the all time greatest video games, all time. It pushed the boundaries of the Nintendo 64 and was the first one where you can ride a horse. I found it rather easy to beat, maybe because I had a Zelda player’s guide; but it was so much fun doing it. The weapons were kick ass like the hook shot or the bow and arrow. Or riding the horse and using the bow and arrow.  And like any suicide bomber I love blowing things up with my bombs. Of course the elf village was very much like the Peter Pan’s lost boys village. Only not as gay.

The Toothes Fairy

I have heard that dentist have one of the highest rates of suicides. Probably because nobody likes going to the dentist. I know that I don’t look forward to getting metal things gouging my teeth and making me put that gross stuff in my mouth. I think another job I wouldn’t want would be an urologist. Seriously you spend your day looking at dicks and telling people that they got hepatitis. But I bet they make a shitload of money.

Take care of your teeth because once you loose them you can’t grow them back and you don’t want dentures. Imagine how annoying that would be when you’re trying new Strident gum or trying to open a beer with your mouth. I do know people who have lost a tooth. One of my brother’s friends can take it out and put it back in again. Personally I’d get a gold tooth. And I know many hockey players who have lost their teeth. Hey wear a mouth guard and a full shield.

As a kid I was told I have wonderful teeth but I used to actually fake brushing my them. I would go through more trouble not brushing my teeth. I would turn the tap on and wait how long it’d take if I actually brushed them. I ate a lot of candy and anything with sugar like skittles and tropical skittles. My mom would say that I have the nicest smile. And my mom is so cheap that she will not throw out the tooth paste until every last drop is gone.

One day Mr. Molar came to school and taught us all about our teeth. He handed out tooth brushes and some books all about our teeth. So I went home and did what Mr. Molar said to do.  I was so proud to tell my mom that I didn’t have any cavities. Now no longer, I have many. However I never needed braces. Sure it’s kind of cute for a girl to have them but no guy wants to look like Jaws from James Bond.

Then I fucked up my teeth as I got older. I never flossed and when I did my gums would bleed like Hell. I was stressed out in high school and would grind my teeth like crazy. I was given a mouth piece, pretty much a mouth guard, which I used for two weeks. Very uncomfortable. I also started using mouth wash and not realize you are supposed to spit it out.

So I hate going to the dentist. They are always talking to you about their life or that their cat is sick and all you can do is nod or mumble. They are always asking you to out your mouth wider and it can’t get any wider. I really hate those teeth tools like the scraper or the stabber. And I used to get so sick because of that cream shit they put in your mouth that I actually threw up a couple of times.

So the dentist said I’d better brush like crazy because I teeth are wearing our. They are sharp as Hell, food gets stuck in them and my own acid is eating away at my teeth. And my frequent coffee drinking is staining them. My mom bought me an ultra sonic automatic brush and Crest because it tastes better.

So a while ago one of my wisdom teeth was crooked and I needed to get it removed. Well they put me under. The anesthesiologist (big word of the day) counted down three, two and bam I was under. I wake and I am delirious. I asked if it is over but I could barely talk or drink or anything.

Do you remember when you started to lose your baby teeth? I think I lost one eating taffy or another one eating an apple. My parents never really warned me that everyone loses their teeth. I was trilled to find out about the Tooth Fairy and if you put a tooth under your pillow he or she would take it and replace it with money while you sleep. This now seems a bit creepy. I remember asking my friends how much money they got. I’d get a quarter while other kids got more. Everyone should agree on how much money the tooth fairy should give. I wonder what would happen if little Timmy didn’t tell his parents he lost a tooth and he wakes up to find it is still under his pillow. Spoiler alert! I forget when I found out that the Tooth Fairy wasn’t real but like the Easter Bunny I couldn’t really give a shit.

Anyway I’m just a little short on cash and I really don’t need all my teeth. So I’m going to take out a tooth and put it under my pillow and set up a trap for this allusive fairy and steal all of his money. Then it’s off to the casino.

Sesame Street

Molest Me Elmo

I never watched

Sesame Street

as a kid. One thing is that I don’t like learning. I already go to school and have learned enough. I don’t need some blood sucking vampire asking how many bats there are. I don’t know much but it started in the late sixties. They must have repeats because the vampire is fucking pissed off counting the same damn bats.

It’s a new world today and kids have video games and the internet and have no need for hippy puppets. Also I heard there goes the neighborhood. It has gone down hill now with pimps and drug dealers and the gang can’t afford to go to a nicer place. It’s now called

Crack Street

.  Oscar the Grouch doesn’t give a shit and deals out of his can.

Big Bird is the giant bird freak. Is it a chick, ha-ha, or a dude? I always wonder if the Bird ever laid eggs because they’d be huge. Those eggs will make one damn fine omelet. McDonalds has contacted Big Bird and they want his help to make the Mega Egg Mc Muffin.

Oscar the Grouch is that pissed off green freak that lives in a garbage can. I’d be little grumpy if I lived and shit in a damn garbage can too, having people throwing used condoms and dog crap down it. I always wonder if the garbage truck ever accidentally picked up his garbage can  and crushed him while he was inside the truck. Oh Oscar you fool.

I know kids everywhere will be pissed off with me but I find Elmo annoying as hell. I hate his voice and his stupid red naked body. I just want to punch his fucking eyeballs off. Honestly he has no fucking teeth and only three fingers.

I remember way back there was tickle me Elmo. It was a stuffed animal that makes laughing noises. So all it does is laugh when you touch him. Unless your kid is not a complete retard he or she would get suck of it in an afternoon. It’s just like cabbage patch kids; the parents want them more than the kid.

I’ll admit that I did have a favorite stuffed animal. It was one of those Popples that turn inside out into a ball. I had the soccer one, it was sweet. I also have this faggy pink popple. Back to Elmo. I wonder if you touch him in his special place he’d say Elmo doesn’t like you touching Elmo down there.

I saw a Family Guy episode already making fun of the Count von Count but here’s my take. Do you think he sucks blood from other children? He’s always counting bats, apples or guns and I don’t think the kids are learning dick all. You are about to write your SATs and get stuck on a math question. Okay, remember what the vampire said, if you have one vampire and every night the vampire makes another vampire, how many vampires will there be in a month?

Are Bert and Ernie brothers or lovers? Either way it’s pretty gay for two adults to sleep in the same bedroom. I think they move the beds together when they want to be intimate. Bert is the Freak who has a huge unibrow, huge nose and looks like a goddamn pineapple. Everyone likes his better looking partner Ernie

The Cookie Monster was my favorite puppet, always eating cookies. Ha ha. He never eats Oreos or peanut butter cookies. That would be a good advertisement having the Monster eating Mr. Christie Rainbow Cookies. I wonder how he swallows his cookies. It looks like he just crams them in his mouth and all of the cookies crumble on the floor. I think he is bulimic and haves these cookie binges. But eating too many cookies isn’t good for kids. How about for a new puppet the Veggies Monster? Not.

Snuffleupagus is the cute and friendly elephant who badly needs allergy medication. However there is a reason for his name. He likes snuffing the caine with his very long nose and was nicknamed Snuffleupagus. His real name is Ted. The first time he got the drugs for free off of Oscar but after that he became hooked. Kids around the world mourn for Snuffle when he gets killed by poachers.

Happy Christmas

God Bless Us Everyone: Except George Bush

Christmas is fast approaching and I am excited! I did pretty much all of my shopping and I feel great! I really do love giving and receiving and just surprising people. And that’s what Christmas is really all about, it’s about presents. It’s good for the economy and fun for everyone including Christians and non Christians alike. That’s why people phrase it Happy Holidays now.

Ever since I was a child I was obsessed with Christmas and presents. Christmas was like crack for me because I never really did get toys the rest of the year except on my birthday. I would count down the days until Christmas around October. And I would shake any present under the tree. Alright this is definitely the right size for a Nintendo game. However my mom would buy lame things that I should have already have for free. Like socks.

Spoiler Alert!

I remember asking all of these questions about Santa. The problem is that parents have different takes on Santa. I clearly noticed that Santa was at both malls at the same time. My mom tells me that they are Santa’s helpers. Then I ask why are they dressed as Santa?  And why other parents are are calling him Santa?

You see parents around the world need to get their stories straight. Seriously the United Nations should hold a meeting and figure out every last detail about Santa so we are all in the same page.

I desperately wanted the see Santa and asked I could sleep under the tree. And my mom told me that Santa won’t come unless you are sleeping in your bed. But these were all lies.

For one thing I noticed that there was a direct correlation on how rich your parents are and how many gifts you got. I mean why do spoiled kids get a Nintendo while the poor kids get a yoyo. Were they naughty? And why do people have donations for poor kids. Ha-ha because their parents can’t afford presents. Ha-ha. Because they are poor. Ha-ha.

I also wonder how old Santa was anyway. He is mortally obese from eating all of these damn stale cookies. I think people should give him a more healthy variety of snacks like a Fig Newton because he probably has diabetes. The whole Santa coming down the chimney is a slap to the face for kids that have no house or chimney. I guess Santa uses the front door. Of course you have to turn off Alarm Force and chain your dog or else Tiny Tim isn’t getting anything this year.

The most ludicrous lie is how does he deliver all of these toys all over the world in one night. Fuck flying reindeers, he needs an apache helicopter. People would be pretty pissed if Santa is late and they get their presents three days later. Santa would leave a note saying sorry but I’m giving you free toys so suck it.

I forget how old I was when I found out about Santa. I think I was 23. But I didn’t really care. I couldn’t give a shit if my parents bought me Basewars for Nintendo or it was Santa’s elf sweat shop that made me that kick ass game. And instead of saying made in China they should have made in the North Pole.

I love Christmas lights and decorations especially the hardcore people who put them up in November and cost a shitload of electricity. I really do like the spot lights against the house. My mom has a few lights and reindeer and of course a Keep Christ in Christmas sign. So hey asshole you better remember that it’s Jesus’ birthday party or you could go to Hell! We also put up a fake tree because the real ones are a mess.

And she hates when people don’t have enough room or letters or are just dicks and end up putting Merry Xmas. Who are they the Xmen? We still have a tradition of driving around the city on Christmas Eve to see people’s lights. Another tradition is watching a Christmas Story, It’s a Wonderful Life and National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. I also find it funny when people are too lazy and leave them on all year.

Again I’m an atheists but I will probably end up going to church with my mom on Christmas. She appreciates it. I know she must feel lonely when nobody goes with her and people asks where your sons are.  Too bad around Christmas people who are somewhat religious end up going and there aren’t enough pews for everyone. They end up standing at the back. That’s why my mo goes an hour early to get the best seats. I rather just get a scalper. He buddy, do you want front row tickets. I got front row pews. You can hear every thing and not worry about tall people. And you’re the first to drink Jesus’ blood and eat a Jesus cookie.

I should learn how to wrap one of these days because I’m horrible. I can’t cut straight and use rolls of this cheap tap my mom bought. But who gives a fuck really. And I used to buy my brother presents that I wanted for me. Not this year.

This year I’m happy with what presents I have bought. I Anyway I got my brother the following

Mario Soccer (Kick Ass)

Nirvana shirt

Guns and Roses shirt

Quicksilver shirt

Trailer Park Boys Season One and Two

Married with Children Season One

Paranormal Activities movie

The Crazies movie

Kenny Vs Spenny Season Four

Anything Else he Requests

My dad is harder to get something because if he wants something he will go out and buy it. But I think he will enjoy:

Bing Bang Theory Season Four

A Nice Pair Shorts (I hope they fit)

Some Western Movies and Shows

And my mom doesn’t want anything. Every year she says it’s too much or she doesn’t need it. So she will end up buying something for herself and make me wrap it and pretend I got it for her.  But I did get her:

A Funny Christmas Card

America’s Funniest Videos Christmas Special

A Battery Case with Batteries

And Whatever Else She Wants.

And I have been good this year so I want:

Simpsons Trivia Game with DVD

Zelda: Skyward Sword

The New Mario Brothers for Wii

A Grey shirt

Any Shot Gun Game

Gift Certificates

A New Hockey Bag

A Hovering Car

And World Peace

Florida Trip Part Five: Shopping

Everyone knows that I love shopping. I like buying video games, movies, food and clothes. I go on my own, I’m quicker that way on foot and nobody really likes me spending time with me anyway. Greg you have been in the fitting room for ten minutes; just buy the damn thing.

I have a system; I look everywhere and if I see something that interests me I’ll go back. Then I will think it over because I hate buyer’s remorse. And I never buy anything just because it’s a good deal. For example I bought a pair of jeans because they were ten bucks. There was a reason why they were ten bucks and I never wear them unless I’m cutting the lawn or I don’t give a shit. And my mom cuts the lawn.

I’ve got so many video games that I have no time in my busy life to play them. I have about 500 dollars worth of DS games alone. Some that I haven’t even opened the package yet. It’s almost like a stamp collection for me and I never sell my games. So I go to the Electronic Boutique and got some good deals. I bought Sid Meier's Pirates for the Wii for ten bucks. What a sweet game, it’s a adventure strategy game about being a pirate where you take over ships, sword fight and other pirate related activities. I also got Professor Layton: Curious Village where you go around solving all types of puzzles and mysteries. Me and my Aunt Marg almost beat it. There were some impossible puzzles that I had to look up in the internet.

I love movies too even though my mom gets pissed off when I buy more. I tell her that they were on sale and only two dollars. They cost more. And my mom gets really pissed off with my dad for buying more movies and having nowhere to put them. I keep telling him that if they are really cheap then they are probably aren’t too good. Like Snow Dogs Three: The New Litter. I mean the original Snow Dogs obviously fucking kicked ass. But by the third one they were jumping the shark.

We have a huge book shelf packed to the rim. And there are two layers and is a bitch to look for the ones behind the others. I have many duplicates because I didn’t realize my dad already owned them or that my brother borrowed them.

So we go to this huge flea market and I spent about fifty dollars on movies and video games and swords. Okay no swords, I already have two Excalibur’s. My dad was a little pissed off with me because he told me that he’s only giving me money just in case. So I got the first season of Married with Children for five bucks and a slew of other great deals.

Marg and I were having these deep conversations about religion and everything. So I thought of buying Religulous even though I already own it. She loved it. Also we watch this series on Nova all about the universe and even alternate dimensions. It blew my fucking mind.

I have more than 25 nice T-shirts because I like to look good. I have every color except pink or purple, because those are girl colors. However 80’s neon colors are coming back and its okay even if you are a dude that to wear pink. But I would never wear pink. I got all kinds of great deals of clothing in the Vero Beach Mall even though I have more than enough. I kind of feel bad for poor people who hardly have any clothes and that are all raggedy. I wear better clothes to work out in or paint the deck. And my mom paints the deck.

I actually got these music T-shirts for 80% off. Seriously they were 80% off. I got this killer Grateful Dead shirt for five bucks. My dad gets a little annoyed with me spending so much but I tell him it’s only five bucks. You can’t beat that, my Subway Pizza sub is more expensive. Mmm Subway foot long.

So we were supposed to depart on Wednesday but me and Marg wanted to the see the conclusion of that Nova program. So we end up leaving on the American Thanks Giving. People were waiting for days to be the first in line for Black Friday. I thought it would be easier to just earn that money in that time but hey they probably don’t have a job. Ha-ha no jobs. Fucking losers.

So we leave around six and see the entire parking lot at Wal-Mart was packed. It kind of defeats the whole purpose of Thanks Giving. Why not just save Black Friday for another date. I don’t think that when the pilgrims had dinner with the natives they had this great deal on laptops the following day.

There were a slew of flyers with great deals like a fifty inch screen T.V. for fifty bucks that people are going to go fucking crazy for. I’ll bet it will be sold before I can say booya. And I have even heard this crazy lady used pepper spray on people to be the first one to buy whatever she desperately need. Ha-ha they busted her; did she actually think she could get away with it? Next time bring a gun.