T.V. Mascots

The Hamburger Helper Hand

There is the weird Helping Hand thing. He helps my mom make delicious Hamburger Helper lasagna. And he gives hand jobs on the side.

Chester Cheetah

Chester Cheetah is the hip Cheetos mascot. I remember I was eating some delicious Cheetos at the mall and spent the entire day with that orange shit on my teeth. But it was worth it.

Taco Bell Chihuahua

Normally I’m not a big fan of chihuahuas. I think they’re small and ugly and look like a rat. But the Mexican Taco Bell mascot is pretty funny. I really love fries supreme and taco pizzas. Mmm.

Rice Crispy Elves

There are the gay Rice Crispy elves; Snap, Crackle and Pop. I guess that’s because you hear that sound when you eat Rice Crispy cereal. But don’t get them mixed up with the Narcotic elves Smack, Crack and Pot. And I totally love Rice Crispy Squares. Mmm.

Mr. Clean

Mr. Clean is a badass that hates dirt and grime. He’s bald, has some huge pecks and is in overall good shape. I wouldn’t fuck with him. And he has an earring and crosses his arm so that he looks like a genie. And one of my favorite Millencolin songs is Mister Clean.

Pillsbury Doughboy

“Poke me and die.” Pillsbury Doughboy, or his other alias Poppin Fresh, is the funny and friendly mascot of Pillsbury. Hoo-hoo. I fucking love their crescents. Hoo-hoo. He looks like some white dooey creature on acid. Hoo-hoo. And people like poking him on the belly. Hoo-hoo.

Green Giant

Ho, ho, ho Green Giant. Green Giant is the vegetable mascot that doesn’t wear pants. Now imagine you are looking at him from the ground up and you see that giant green dick of his just dangling there. That would be gross. He should also be the mascot of marijuana. Ha, ha, ha Weed Giant.

McGruff

McGruff is or was the police mascot. He was the talking dog wearing a trench coat. I don’t know if they had to put him down because of rabies or he got shot because I haven’t seen him on T.V. for a while. But he wants you to take a bite out of crime! You hear that criminals? He’s going to bite that tax evasion. And he hates drugs.

Tootsie Pop Owl

So some stupid kid goes around asking random animals how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.  But the owl could only lick it like three times until he bites it. That’s not good for your teeth. Or beaks. Hey kid, who gives a fuck. And the number of licks varies from different people or owls. So why not just try it out for yourself.

Uncle Ben and Aunt Jamima

Normally I don’t like vegetables besides Caesar salad, asparagus and Uncle Ben’s rice. You’d think Uncle Ben would be Asian because I thought they made it in Vietnam rice patties. I also love delicious Aunt Jamima syrup on my pancakes. And I know everyone is thinking hey did Uncle Ben and Aunt Jamima ever hook up?

Snuggles Bear

Snuggles Bear is the mascot of Snuggles fabric softener. My mom does my laundry and I don’t even know what fabric softener does. I guess it makes your clothes softer? So I looked up Snuggle commercials on Youtube. They were a combination of real Snuggles commercials and parodies of Snuggles. And they are both creepy as fuck. “Oh these underwear are so, so, soft. Haha, this bra is so, so soft.”

Eminems

I love peanut M&Ms. I wonder if Eminem is supposed to mean M&Ms because his name is Marshall Matters. The commercials star with the smart red M&M and the dufus yellow peanut M&M.

And I love Smarties. I guess the different colors are for show and doesn’t taste differently like the color of Skittles. And I always wonder why in Skittle commercials the person eats the whole fucking bag of the Skittles in one swallow. And not choke.

Kool-Aid Punch Bowl

I love making Kool-Aid because it’s easy to make and has so many flavors to choose from. The key is to add a ton of sugar. This was a way to get a sugar high when you were too young to smoke weed.

The mascot is of course the giant Kool-Aid punch bowl that’s too damn big to use the door. So he decides to break through the fucking wall like he’s on PCP. And he says oh yeah like the Macho Man. I would love to spike him with some vodka.

Energizer Bunny

The Energizer Bunny is like taking a huge piss at the bar. It keeps going and going. But I was always a Duracell fan for some reason. I like that sound in the commercials. You know what I’m talking about.

So I spent the other day going through all of our batteries and separating them between new and used. What I did was put one new battery in my Gameboy Advance and then tested the rest of the batteries one by one. Some worked, some didn’t and some were just corroded.

I’ll never use those cheap ones I bought at the dollar store ever again. Even the Panasonic ones. Now I usually use the rechargeable batteries. And am I the only one who found that the batteries in Wii remotes get drained even if you haven’t used it in a while?

Domino Noid

I love pizza. Especially Dominos. And so does Chunk from the Goonies. But I never knew what the fuck a Noid is, nor what a Noid has to do with pizza. It appears to be some creepy dude in a red bunny suit. But I do remember playing Yo! Noid for Nintendo. I forgot the goal of the game but I do remember you could hop on a pogo stick.

Little Caesar

I have already written a blog about delivering pizza at Little Caesars. It was the most fun job ever. So they started the whole Hot N Ready and paid some kids to hold up signs by the street for years. I think everyone knows about it by now. The thing was I had to wait ten minutes one time so it wasn’t really ready. And sometimes it’s not hot at all. Now they skip out on the cheese, toppings and sauce and it tastes like bread.

Anyway the Caesar mascot is the cute Roman emperor. And not the blood thirsty Roman dictator. I don’t even know if the even had pizza back then. Haha, when in Rome.

Colonel Sanders

I love KFC. As you know Colonel Sanders is the lovable founder of KFC. I don’t know if he was an actual colonel in the army or it just sounded cool. He’s dead but his legacy, white suit and string tie lives on.

KFC is pretty much the only good thing to come out of Kentucky besides horse derbies, Johnny Depp the ladies man George Clooney.

Every year me and my folks drive to Florida and we must pass through Kentucky. What a bunch of rednecks. It’s pretty sad. Seriously you want to get a Big Mac in some shitty town made up of shitty trailers and one or two shitty churches. And shacks. My tool shed is bigger than some of them.  

Anyway I have been thinking of stealing the secret recipe and start my own fast food chain OFC; Ontario Fried Chicken.

Smoky Bear

Smoky the Bear is the talking bear ranger that keeps repeating that “only you can prevent forest fires.” I think he means that only people can prevent forest fires and not animals. “I’m a fucking bear; how the Hell can I prevent them?”

So make sure you put out your camp fire with water. And not piss; that’s disgusting.

It’s too bad that most wildfires occur in extremely dry weather and the wind spreads them out of control. “Look Smoky, I’m not a fireman so I can’t do shit all by preventing or stopping wildfires.”

Then there is Smoky Bong whose message is “only you can prevent crib fires.” So when you smoked your cigarettes or joints then please distinguish them in an ash tray. By the way I realize I talk about weed way too much. Its just that I really like it. That’s all.

Marlboro Man

The Marlboro Man was the classic rugged cowboy that smoked Marlboro cigarettes. Then he died of lung cancer. I don’t even know why people still smoke cigarettes, or try them in the first place when they know that they are so addictive and harmful.

What really pisses me off is when smokers get lung transplants that should go to other patients in need. So I think money from cigarettes sales should go to hospitals.

I can’t stress this enough, don’t try cigarettes. I don’t give a fuck if all your friends smoke and its part of their social life. Or that you only smoke while you drink. Again don’t ever fucking smoke. That’s the best advice I can give besides wearing sunscreen.

Camel Joe

Camel Joe is the cartoon camel mascot for Camel Cigarettes. Apparently since it’s a cartoon it makes kids want to smoke. So they had to can him.  You know what else is a cartoon? GIJOE. But watching GIJOE shouldn’t make kids want to go out a buy a laser gun.

Also I thought you need be to 18 or so to buy cigarettes. “Mom, I saw a cartoon camel that smoked, can you buy me some smokes?” “Only if you clean your room.” I guess they have to use a real camel, dress him up and stick a cigarette in his mouth. But then that would get PETA all over their asses.

Camel Toe

Finally here is the definition of a camel toe by Wikipedia.

“Camel toe is a slang term that refers to the outline of a human female's labia, as seen through tightly fitting clothes. Due to a combination of anatomical factors and the tightness of the fabric covering it, the crotch and mons pubis may take on a resemblance to the forefoot of a camel.” Haha, they even showed some random chick’s camel toe.

Candy

Candy Makes You Dandy

You know I’m running out of ideas for blogs when I make one about candy. But I have already written it, so bite me. I am however taking suggestions for new blogs. So drop me a line.

The Convenience Store

When I was kid, me and the gang would walk to the Kiwki-Mart and buy some candy. Back then candy was cheap. I used to be able to buy fun dip for a quarter. Now it cost $1.50. Inflation is a bitch. But it’s still fun as ever and you can eat the stick too. I also loved Nerds.

The Munchies

As an adult I still love candy. One of my favorite things to do is smoke weed, walk to the Kiwki-Mart and eat some candy. If you have never smoked weed than there are few curious things about it. One is that you get the munchies and everything seems to taste even so much better. I love chocolate on weed.

Another is that time seems to slow down. I don’t want to quote a Brian Adams’ song but its like when you were a kid and those summer days seemed to last forever. Now the days seem so much shorter. Where do those afternoons go? Am I the only one who notices this?

The Vending Machine

Vending machines are everywhere where there is no other place to buy food. Like at the hockey arena or the bowling alley. I don’t like paying $175 for an Aero bar. But I don’t like feeling hungry.

What I hate about vending machines is when you’re chips or whatever don’t fall down. So I would punch it and shake it. You would be surprised how many people died when trying to steal from vending machines. Apparently four times that of shark fatalities. What a stupid way to go.

Then there are times when the vending machine won’t accept your quarters or loonies. At least it isn’t as bad as over in the U.S. where they won’t take your dollar bills if they are just slightly wrinkled.

Hey my American neighbors get with the times. Loonies and toonies are so much easier than having a shitload of dollar bills that look like any other bill. We even got rid of the penny. It’s so much easier. I mean what is the point of having a penny anyway?

So I was at the old Zellers years ago and bought a pop at the vending machine. The light was on and everything so I put in my loonie into it and nothing happened. And it ate my loonie.

So I told customer service in Zellers and she said they don’t own it or something and instead gave me a number to call. Yes, I’m going to call and wait an hour for them to give me a dollar refund. If they can give me a refund at all. Damn you vending machine! Damn you to Hell!

By the way do you remember that Simpson episode where Homer gets his hand caught in the vending machine? And after a while they ask if he is still holding onto the can of pop or whatever. And he was still holding on to it. That was hilarious. I just sounded like that cute band chick from American Pie.

And while I’m on the topic I remember a long time ago in the Mooretown arena there was a cigarette vending machine. That’s hilarious. “Dammit the vending machine won’t give me my Camel cigarettes. And I’m only twelve.” I’m sure it’s gone now.

Zits

I don’t have the best complexion. Even though I use non-name proactive and a lot of soap in the shower. But my parents can tell when I’m breaking out. Every time I eat a lot of sugar I get zits. So trust me, getting zits from eating candy isn’t a myth.

The Dollar Store

I like to bulk up on candy at the dollar store. I buy most of my chocolate bars and chips there. And my energy drinks. I buy a lot skittles and starburst there to sneak into the movie theatre. I’m not going to wait in line and pay five bucks when I can buy the same damn sour patch kid bags for a dollar.

Some of My Favorite Chocolate Bars:

Wonder bars are my all time favorite chocolate bar.

Mr. Big is awesome because it’s so big. That’s what’s she said. And it tastes great.

“Baby Ruuuth.” That’s one of the best lines by Sloth in the Goonies.

Have a break. Have a Kit Kat. Or a cigarette.

How the fuck do they get the caramel in the Caramilk bar? I don’t know.

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Peanut Allergies

I feel bad for people who have nut allergies. They are missing out on a lot of yummy food. I’m not sure which chocolate bars are safe. I’m pretty sure Mars or Hershey are okay. I wonder how they found out that they were allergic. Did they eat some peanut butter and almost die? Or some other severe allergic reaction.

Slurpies

Slurpies are awesome. It’s too bad that none of my nearby variety stores have them anymore. So I have to walk a fair ways to get one. But it’s worth it. I like to have layers of different flavors. Like peach, cream soda and Sprite.

The other day I got a bad brain freeze but I kept on drinking my slurpy because it was so delicious. And I have to change hands when one gets cold. I remember back in the day when those summer day seem to last forever you could buy a huge cup at 7 Eleven for five bucks and then get one dollar refills. Fucking eh.

Five Cent Candy

I always get 5 cent and 25 cent candies at the Kiwki-Mart. I can’t count worth shit because I’m usually stoned and lose track. So I count the candies by fives and tens. Then asshole clerk (I already wrote about this dick clerk before) counts them again like I’m going to rip him off.

I usually get those lips, feet, peaches, pop bottles, worms, berries, sour keys and of course Gummi Bears. (I already wrote about the awesome Gummi Bears cartoon). And I prefer them a little stale. They’re chewier that way.

The Sugar Story

This is a famous story of mine. So I got some five cent candy and ate it too. I kept the bag in my pocket because I don’t like to litter. And it’s still had some sugar left in it. So my mom is doing the laundry and finds this bag of sugar and thinks it cocaine. She freaks out and rushed over to me in my room and asks if this is drugs. I felt relieved thinking she found my weed and assured her it wasn’t drugs.

Warheads

I used to like Warheads. I haven’t seen them in a while. If you don’t know they are extremely hot and or sour candy that you suck on. As a kid I liked eating the red ones because when you spit it looks like you’re spitting blood. Like Rocky.

Push Pops

Push pops are sweet candy that looks like lipstick. And if you don’t want to suck it all you can put the cap back on. But then you walk around with a red, yellow or orange tongue, teeth and lips for the rest of the day.

Ring Pop

I like ring pop because I like bling, bling. In fact if I ever do get married I’d want to propose with a gold ring pop. “Baby, I love you. You’re soul mate. Will you marry me? I’ll get you a real ring when I have saved up enough money.”

Bubble Gum

I also love chewing gum. I remember I’d put like five hits of bubble gum in my mouth and try to blow the biggest bubble ever until it pops. It’s kind of sticky and gross now that I think about it.

Here are some great bubble gum brands:

I want to know how Bazooka Joe lost his eye.

I think Strident lasts the longest but Juicy Fruit tastes the best.   

I always wondered if the Olson twins chew Doublemint gum.

5 Gum stimulates your senses. Every time I chew it, it blows my fucking mind.

I love Bubble Tape. Did you know that a roll of bubble tape is six feet long? That’s as tall as I am.

But I hate when people spit their gum on the ground. It’s not as bad as it used to be though back in the day. I have heard that in China they have huge fines and possibly jail sentences for spitting gum on the ground.

But I wouldn’t sallow it either. That’s what she said.  I don’t know if it’s bad for your stomach and stays there for a long time or what? So I usually spit my gum in the sewer drain or garbage.

It’s too bad there isn’t enough garbage cans in my city. Where there are garbage cans they are always filled to the brim. And then they need cans in areas like at the high school where students throw their cigarette butts, pizza boxes, cups and other junk on the ground.

Grandma’s Dish of Mints

Do you ever notice that old people always have that rock hard candy that’s been in that glass bowl that’s been there since Regan was in office? Anyway all of this candy talk has made me hungry. But alas the Kiwki-Mart is closed and I ate all of our cookies. I guess I have to eat an apple or something.

Top Ten Worst Ways to Die

(Warning: I make fun of Jebus. Please don’t get pissed off with me)

11. Being Crucified

I notice many churches have these cute messages on their front lawn. Some are clever, some are funny, some are stupid and some are just annoying. For example there is this house with some signs about meeting your creator or that Jesus died for our sins.

I’m so sick of Jesus dying for our sins. For one thing he didn’t die for our sins because people still go to Hell. Secondly he didn’t have to die because he could have used his super powers, free himself and kill the guards with eye lasers. Thirdly he’s a big fucking pussy.

Yes that’s right, I called your savoir a big fucking pussy. He is all like “why Father have you forsaken me?” Hey you get to go to the Kingdom of Heaven and rule over it beside your father; the all powerful God. I mean I would get crucified too if I had the chance.

And why did he accept the murderer’s apology and forgive his sins. “Oh Jesus I’m so sorry about killing all of those people.” I don’t think that works with other criminals. “Well Judge, I guess I shouldn’t have raped all of those children. I’m sorry.” “Well we all make mistakes. You’re free to go.”

And you know what; thousands of people, including innocent people have been crucified too. And you also know what; firemen and soldiers give their lives to save people without thinking about rewards. So it kind of takes away from Jesus’ noble death. And most importantly, millions of people have died from far worst ways.

So here are my top ten worst ways to die:

10. Buried Alive

I have a bit of claustrophobia. It’s not being in tight spots but being in tight spots that I can’t get out of. Kind of like when you are buried in the sand at the beach and your friends ditch you. I was actually dared to ride in the trunk of a car when I was in college. It was funny but I made them promise to let me out anytime I wanted out.

Being buried alive would be so incredibly scary. I’ve seen Kill Bill part two but I don’t think you can escape. Unless you are Houdini. I don’t know where you would put all of the dirt even if you can get out of the coffin. I have heard that some victims scratched the wood until they lost their finger nails. I’m not sure if they die of starvation or lack of oxygen or what.

9. Electrocution

I think they need more warnings on toasters saying don’t jam forks into it or don’t make peanut butter sandwiches in the bathtub.

I can’t believe that the U.S. still does electrocutions. Basically they electrocute the criminal until his heart burns or something. And it costs a lot of fucking money. Lethal injection is more humane but again it’s expensive.

But do you know what’s cheap? Bullets. And if they can’t find an anonymous executioner they should just let the victims’ family shoot the them. “Whoops, I shot him in the nuts. My bad.”

8. Freeze to Death

I hate being cold. For me it’s the main reason why winter sucks in Canada. I rather endure extreme heat than not be able to leave the house without layers of clothing. And I hate cold showers. Now imagine you fall into freezing water while you are ice fishing or skating or just drunk. It would be the worst cold shower ever. And I think you would lose your fingers and nose before you freeze to death.

7. Radiation Poisoning

I tried eating radioactive slime to give me super powers. I got cancer.

6. Drowning

I’m not much of a swimmer. I usually doggy paddle. I remember doing what we called river runs where you jump into the river and let the current take you upstream. Only I was getting far away from shore and was freaking out. Obviously I made it alive to tell this story.

So let’s say your are sailing your sailboat out in the Pacific Ocean without a care in the world and suddenly a storm hits you and your sailboat capsizes and you have to swim back to shore. Unless you are rescued by Aquaman or actually do make it to land, you would eventually drown. How scary that would be.

5. Eaten by Sharks

I have always wanted to go scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef and catch Nemo. What an awesome movie by the way. I got high with a friend and watched it in the theater. We were surrounded by kids but I didn’t give a shit. However I would never swim out in the ocean because I’m afraid of Jaws. And again, I still doggie paddle.

4. Thirst

I’d hate to die of thirst. You know, you’re out in the desert and you have nothing to drink. Besides Mountain Dew.

3. Watching the Trade Center Movie

This movie should have never been made. I don’t like people profiting off such a tragedy. I guess I was curious. All they did was show some firemen trapped under the wreckage. It’s so terrible people would have to kill themselves out of boredom.

2. Climbing a Mountain

I don’t understand why people attempt to climb Mt. Everest, Mt. Doom or other mountains. Do they need to prove something? Such as the first guy to climb Mt. Everest with no arms. Or do they need to destroy Sauron’s ring? Because I’ve heard there are just scattered bodies of idiots that didn’t make it. I mean there are so many ways to die. You could fall, freeze, die of exhaustion or get buried alive under an avalanche.

1. Burn to Death

Burning alive has to be the most painful way to die. I don’t know if rolling on the ground would do anything or what. What I don’t get is why our brain registers you as being on fire. Do we really need to feel all of this pain? I guess it’s like your brain saying get the fuck out of the fucking flames now!

Imagine your house is on fire. What would you do? First I’d crawl on the ground and use my sleeves to open the doorknobs. I’d have to rescue whoever else is in the house. If I had a dog or cat I’d try to save them too. My fish on the other hand are screwed. I would also try to save my laptop, my weed, my Ipod and my Uncle Owen Star Wars action figure.

But that would totally suck losing everything. I would hate to replace all of my possession. Like my movies, video games, my almost complete wardrobe and course all of my blogs. I also wonder how much you would get for all of your belongings? “So I had 2,000 movies, 2,000 video games, three computers, thirty T-shirts, diamond ring, and the very first Superman comic.  That’s like $50,000 and they’re hard to come by.

Toys from the 80s and 90s

More Blogs About Toys

I have already written about the 80s, board games, Lego, politically incorrect Guess Who and other toys. But here are some more.

First off, I wonder who decides what age group toys are intended for? I feel a bit old when something is intended for 5 to 12 year olds. It should be just 5 to 90 year olds.

View Masters

View Masters are 3D toy cameras where you insert reels and the pictures pop out at you. They were fun at the toy store. After you see the reels like ten or fifteen times there is really no point now is there. They still have them at Toys R Us.

I think they should have submarine simulator reels where you see Soviet subs and enemy ships. Or better yet, Hustler reels where you see 3D boobs. That would be hot.

Chia Pets

Chi, chi, chi, Chia. Remember Chia Pets? As you should know, Chia Pets are the small animals or models with seeds planted on them that grow into grass. For example there was the Chia ram in which the grass is supposed to be fur. Only green fur. Then they started creating a variety of Chia pets or Chia whatever. They even made a Chia Homer Simpson. Too bad he’s fucking bald dipshits. And too bad they haven’t created Chia mushrooms or Chia pot. Yet.

Don’t Wake Daddy

I have heard of this board game but I have never tried it. As the name implies you have to pass by dad, or step dad, without waking him up. I did this all of the time when I was young and drunk and I had to get by my parents’ room so I could pass out on my bed. Good times.

It’s supposed be light hearted but my dad would get really, really pissed off. For example my dad might be asleep on the couch and I want some Captain Crunch. I would tip toe by but oh shit I woke him up. “Dammit Greg, I have to work tomorrow!” “Sorry dad I was hungry.” “At this hour of the night? Go to bed.”

This is an inside joke but I think they also need a Don’t Wake Doug board game.

Table Hockey

Table Hockey is like Foosball, only it sucks.  They were popular before EA Hockey came along on Sega.  You could only move each player down a specific pathway. You can’t even check or get into fights. Nor are there any referees. And it took a lot of fucking space that you could save for better things. Like a George Forman grill. Or a map of the U.S. Civil War.

Micromachines

I loved Hot Wheels but I loved Micromachines even more. I used to have a ton and played with my buddy on his city map. “Wee, waan, wee waan, micro ambulance coming through. Wee, waan, child got hit by drunk Micromachine corvette driver.” I think I was missing a Fiero, hummer and limousine. Or a hummer limousine.

Do you remember the Micromachine guy who could speak incredibly fast? He reminds me of an auctioneer. By the way I have always wondered what if someone bids like a $10,000 but they don’t have $10,000.

I have heard of some poor lady that got screwed. They were selling like twenty chairs and she thought that she’d buy them all for like forty bucks. But it was supposed to be all of the chairs for forty bucks each. That’s too bad.

Lolo Balls

If you don’t already know Lolo balls were shitty toys that looked like the planet Saturn where you jump up and down on it like on a pogo stick. I never had one and I’m glad I didn’t. Unlike a skateboard or roller blades you can’t pull any sick moves or even go anywhere really.

Bed Bugs

Bed Bugs is the cheap game where you use chopsticks to pick up bugs while some adolescent boy sleeps in his bed. And his bed vibrates. I wonder who came up with that genius idea. Maybe they should have adult Bed Bugs where a couple are fucking and thus vibrating the bed and you have to pick used condoms.

Walky Talkies

“Delta here. Charlie all over the fucking place. Over.” “Geo here, napalm delivery is on the way. Over.” Walky Talkies were awesome as a kid. I think mine had a range of 500 feet! Years later my friends bought some expensive walkie talkies. We could even call across town. And then cell phones came along.

Crossfire and Rockem Sockem Robots

I have never actually played them because they looked stupid. The crossfire could be better if it was more like pinball, against someone else. And Rockem Sockem robots were retarded. It’s not like you can jab, block or even bite someone’s ear.

Construx

I have already written about my favorite toy Lego. But I also loved Construx. You connect plastic pieces together and make whatever you could dream of. My cousins even had the ones where they move. Yes. They move! KNEX are cool too. But I have nothing really to say about it. I just liked them, that’s all.

Light Brite

I remember a while ago I smoked a lot of weed and decided to rummage through my old toy box. Only it wasn’t a box but a giant egg that looked like Humpty Dumpty. Haha he humps and he takes a huge dump. Fun fact: nowhere in the nursery rhyme or story did it say Humpty was an egg. So I found my light brite and it was really trippy. I deiced to make a huge pot leaf.

Play-Doh

Play-Doh was fun because you could create anything you can think of. Such as dragons or hamburgers.  Too bad you couldn’t eat it. But mine harden after a while. Just like my dick after watching Sex and the City. Then they made toys to go with it. Like toys that made noodles, hair or shite.

Easy Bake Oven

If I knew you were coming I’d bake a cake. Bake a cake. Easy Baked Oven is a mini oven with a light bulb that cooks cookies. I love cookies but I never had one. I guess they were intended for little girls. I would love an Easy Big Mac Oven. I’m pretty sure they use the same light bulb as McDonalds.

Dolls that Piss

When I was wee one, I loved one stuffed animals. Especially my soccer ball popple. But I was scared of dolls. And I still am. My aunt had a ton of them and they gave me nightmares. I thought they would come alive and eat me in my sleep.

Then they had realistic dolls that cry or whatever. There were even dolls that pissed or throw up. Gross. Do little girls actually enjoy this? Maybe they should have geezer dolls where you have to change their diapers and give them medicine.

Then there were those expensive realistic dolls that high school students had to carry everywhere they go and feed them or rock them when they cry. I guess this is for all those dirty sluts to realize teen pregnancy isn’t fun. I would love to grab one and just throw it out the window. I don’t know if the baby doll dies but I bet they would lose points.

Talkboy

I always wanted a Talkboy. Basically Talkboys can record messages and change the speed of the messages. This can come handy when drinking. “I’m so fucking wasted man. And there is this hotty looking at my way. Time to turn on the Merchant charm.”

Do you ever hear yourself when you were recorded? In my head I sound like a suave double agent. When I hear my own voice I sound like a cartoon character. I also wonder if you could tell how hot a chick is by her voice. And would you go out with a lady even if she sounds like white trash? Sure they could be a total hotty but eventually you would get sick of hearing her talk.

Teddy Ruxpin

I just saw the movie Ted again the other day. Hilarious. My favorite part is when Ted and Mark fight. Or when Mark knocks out the fat kid. And Jackie is totally hot.

I have never seen a Teddy Ruxpin but my buddy had a fake one. Rux of course is the talking bear who moves his eyes and mouth and tells stories. He has a cassette player built in his back. I think the new ones have those USB memory sticks.

I don’t know what stories he tells. Maybe he tells of stories of getting drunk and doing some random stuffed animal slut. Or maybe the story of the Three Little Pigs. I don’t know. I had my mom to read me bed time stories and not a robotic bear.