Channel Surfer

I am defiantly a couch smashed potato. I have been born and raised on TV. When other kids were playing outside with kites or devil sticks, I was watching the Gummi Bears or Perfect Strangers. Even while I’m doing something else I have to have the TV on too. It keeps me company on those cold Canadian nights.

I’m also defiantly a fast channel changer. While mom takes her sweet time looking at each channel, I’m flipping like crazy. “Shit, shit, shit, oh Coach. Yeah! Coach!” In fact each season I have a routine. For example in grade ten, there was Drew Carrey at 6:00, News Radio at 6:30 and an hour of Simpsons, Murder She Wrote at 8:00. You get the point.

What they really need to do is have a rerun station of only good shows. And I mean good shows. Like Simpsons, Seinfeld, South Park, Golden Girls... You get the idea. It would be a channel when there is nothing else on but you have nothing better to do. I’d call it “GTV.”

I have always watched UPN, Fox, Global or whatever. But now I have all of my favorite sitcoms or series such as the Big Bang Theory and Three Men on DVD. So I watch a lot of A&E and the History channel. Too bad I don’t have HBO or satellite. So here are a few popular cable TV channels.

TLC

I believe TLC stands for “Tender Loving Care?” Or does it mean “The Learning Channel?”

But as of lately this channel as nothing to do with learning. For instance; everybody knows about the stupid show Honey Boo Boo Child. I don’t know what you can learn from this show other than how shitty the life of redneck is and how creepy child beauty pageants are.

Some of their educational shows include Hoarders, Sara Palin’s Alaska, Kids by the Dozen, I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, Extreme Cheapskates, Cash Cab and BBQ Pitmasters. “Wow, I learned so much. It’s better than reading a book or attending university.”

I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant seems to stand out. Um, have you ever heard of a pregnancy test? In fact how can you be on the show if you don’t know if you don’t know you’re pregnant? I mean do you call the station and say I threw up, I might be pregnant. Or it might be the Taco Bell. And how many shows can you get from one knocked up slut? Two, Three?

The Shopping Channel

The Shopping Channel is for people too lazy to actually get off the couch and do some real shopping. However my mom watches it all of the time and finds items that you can’t buy in stores. Like all of my mom’s beauty products and shoes. Because women can never have enough shoes.

I love how they market the product. For example they might try to sell some hair shavers. “Here are some top of the line hair shavers that come with eight lengths for a low, low price.” “And we will give you another hair shaver with four more lengths for free!” “But wait! We will include wax for those unsightly mustaches.” “And if you call within twenty minutes, we will give you nose tweezers for free!” “So you get two hair shavers with twelve lengths, mustache wax and nose tweezers and free delivery!”

I mean what happens if all you want is a damn shaver without the mustache wax?

Much Music

Do you remember when Much Music or MTV actually played music videos? Every time when there is nothing else on television I want to watch some music videos. But every time there is some shitty vampire show or shitty reality show aimed at young teenage girls.

They might as well make a whole other channel for these stupid girls where they can watch as many videos of Justin Bieber as they desire. Dreaming that one day he’s going to whisk them off their feet and live in his mansion happily ever after.

I admit that I do enjoy watching Cribs. It reminds me of Life Styles of the Rich and Famous. Only not for old people. Too bad they show the same damn cribs all of the time. Many are white people I have never heard of like skiers or some fat comedian.

Then they have rappers. I’m trying not to be racist, but they’re idiots. They come from nothing and they release some hits about coming from nothing. They make a quick fortune and they have to spend it all right away as if the gravy train won’t stop. Choo-choo!

I saw one idiot with a huge fucking house and five cars. He even showed his bling bling. One was a giant J necklace made out of gold and diamonds. What the fuck is he going to do with this $70,000 necklace. I guarantee he will go broke in three years and get a maybe a tenth of what paid for that awesome necklace. And who knows what will happen to this sad soul.

Sure I can’t get enough of up beat songs like “Capital Cites: Safe and Sound.” But if I see another Miley Cyrus video like “Adore You” I’m going to smash my TV. She would be way hotter if she actually had a normal haircut instead of her dyke do.

So play some grunge rock, play some punk, play some metal, play some hip-hop, play some classic rock, play anything. Except for boy bands. And except country.

CNN

I don’t really read the newspaper. I normally get my news from Yahoo when I’m online searching for stuff. Or I read People when I’m waiting in the E.R. to get a kidney stone removed.

But if I want to hear more about the Toronto mayor admitting to smoking crack, pushing an old lady over or telling the press he has more than enough pussy to eat at home I’m going to watch CNN. And he plans to run for mayor again. Mmm, I don’t think that’s going to happen.

However I don’t give a shit about more Muslims and extremist blowing themselves up or protesting and shit. You know why? It happens every fucking day. And its never going to stop because they are all nuts. So I don’t need around the clock coverage of these crazy fucks.

It’s funny though, I remember watching CNN and the anchorman is in the middle of doing legitimate news when he was interrupted for breaking coverage of Brittney Spears being chased by the paparazzi. I swear to God. He was pissed off and said something like that’s not real news and that they can wait to the end of the news hour.

The Francis Channel

Because Canada is bilingual we have the French channel. Boourns. Only there are really no French shows. They are all English speaking shows with subtext or French audio. And our video games have two manuals for the frogs even though the game is only in English.

I remember when I watched the South Park movie they had it in French too. Only they didn’t even get close to sounding like the characters should sound like. The guy who did Cartman tried way too fucking hard to sound funny.

And I remember being totally baked at this party. They were listening to rap music while I was watching South Park with the mute on and it looked like every character was rapping. It was hilarious. Try it for yourself.

BET

The Black Entertainment is a channel is for black people. I think there should be other TV channels for other dominations. Like IEN; the Bollywood Channel. JET; Japanese Entertainment Channel. LET, the Latino Channel or WET the White Entertainment Channel. Hmm, wait scratch that last one.

I remember buying an Ecko hoody and a FUBU shirt. Only I didn’t realize that they are meant for black people and that FUBU stands for For You Buy You. I just liked the rhino. What bugs me is when people wear those white shirts meant for Shaq. Or they don’t bend their rim of their hat and leave the stupid sticker on.

Some of my favorite shows are of black families. The Cosby show is the iconic sitcom. Then he had that show kids say the damn funny things, even though it seemed pretty scripted. You never hear a kid utter swear words or call him a jigger. And then he promoted Jell-O. I don’t take the advice of a TV dad on desert that there is always room for.

I really liked Family Matters as a kid. And by kid, I mean teenager. But I already wrote a blog about Urkel. What I don’t get is didn’t anyone in the show notice that Judy magically disappeared? “Dad, didn’t I have I younger sister?” “I told you never to speak of that family matter!” And I didn’t know why Aunt Rachael had to leave and abandon her young child?

One of my all-time favorite shows is the Fresh Prince. I love all of the characters, but I love Carlton the most. Then there were shows I didn’t understand at the time. Like it’s a Different World. And now every black comedian has their own shitty show.

The Feminist Channel

Then there is the Women’s Network. I never really sat down and watch it because it sounds gay and boring. Kind of like how every female standup comic has to joke about women issues. Like periods or how men are idiots. Then they show women empowering movies like “a League of Their Own” the “Joy Lucky Club” or “Selma and Louise.”

Comedy Central

Finally the Comedy Central is my number one channel. They have all of my favorite shows like South Park, Workaholics, Tosh.O, Daily Show and the Colbert Report. Just to let you know. But sorry, I got to go, Mamma’s Family is on.

Winter Olympics

So the Winter Olympics is well underway. Obviously the colder and wealthier nations will win more medals. That means Canada should kick some ass! This time the Olympics are held in Mother Russia. And because everyone is afraid of terrorist it’s going to cost them a bunch. I think any hosting nation will lose billions. But now they have all of these bobsled slides.

The opening ceremony was really cool. Again it must have cost millions. It’s kind of funny; you see like a hundred Americans wearing these expensive Nike uniforms. And then you have two athletes wearing track pants from a country I never heard of.

But I’m not the biggest Winter Olympics fan. I find the Summer Olympics way cooler to watch. They have more events and sports for a wider audience. As you know the Olympics began in Ancient Greece. They had events that made sense such as the fastest person. Too bad they had naked wrestling.

It reminds me of Canadian sprinter Ben Johnson. He won the gold in 100 meter dash and broke the record in the 87 Olympics. Then his urine tested positive for steroids and he lost his records. That’s why they should have the Steroid Olympics where you can use as much drugs you want. That way the winner of the sprint is the fasted guy on Earth; on dope.

What I don’t get is do they strip him of his medal and then give it to the second place winner? And then does he gives his silver to the next guy and then the forth guy gets the bronze? I wonder if the medals are actually gold, silver and bronze?

I find there are two kinds of events. There are the fun ones, such as curling and snow boarding. I love watching the half pipe where these guys execute sweet moves. I found snowboarders were disappointed not to place. But losing is not going to eat at them the rest of their life.

Then there are the figure skaters. Figure skating is a fan favorite. My mom loves watching them. I feel really bad for these athletes that lose. Do you know how much pressure is riding on them? They spent the best years of their lives training everyday and then they fall doing a quintuplet axel. Their dreams are crushed and now all the can do is skate in Disney on Ice as Jasmine or shoot themselves.

It reminds me of Tonya Harding. She became a huge whiner. For example she once delayed her performance, said her skate lace was untied and actually asked to do her jump over again. Then she hired some goon to hit her rival Nancy Kerrigan in the leg. And she still lost. What a bitch.

As for curling I bet they enjoy playing. And they don’t really care as much as a figure skater would if they lose. They don’t have to train really. Maybe they practice sweeping the floor with a swifter or play shuffle board.

It reminds me of a really awful Canadian movie “Men with Brooms” I don’t know why Leslie Nielsen is in it. Maybe his career was over and he needed some cash. I guess the funny parts are when they guy slips on ice and Nielsen is on shrooms. The second part of the movie became a shitty chick flick. It should have never been made.

I mean does winning the gold mean that much? I understand Russians and Chinese are pressured to win for glory for the Motherland. But what do you do with a gold medal anyway? Do you wear it around your neck everywhere you go? Or do you put it on the mantel above the fire place and show everyone the bronze medal you won the skeleton? “You see that, I’m the third fastest person on the skeleton.” “Whats the skeleton?”

I don’t know why there is bobsledding, luge and skeleton. It looks fucking dangerous. I remember years ago some guy lost control and wiped out and died. They even replay the video over and over again. That disgusts me. I don’t think man was meant to slide down a track as fast as he can. Besides going to the water park.

It reminds me of Cool Runnings where John Candy teaches some Jamaican runners to bobsled. But wait. Jamaicans bobsled? There isn’t ice in Jamaican. I haven’t seen it in years. I enjoyed it then, but now if I do watch it; I’m sure it’s stupid. I don’t even remember if they smoked any weed or what?

The biathlon is a funny event. I love how you combine shooting a rifle with skiing down a mountain? It sounds like a James Bond movie. You never see someone climb Mount Everest with an AK47. You might as well combine speed skating with mines or other events with weapons.

I was watching some speed skating where one woman slipped and took out two other skaters. I realize you can’t just redo the race but that’s not fair. It not their fault that someone wiped out and tripped them. How about the skaters that collided could do another race and then match their times?

The only event I will watch is the hockey, eh. It’s too bad that Stamkos was taken out; we could really use him. What I don’t get, is does every player get their own medal? And I wonder how much you can get it at black market.

Russia and the U.S. are going down. Go Canada!

Field of Dreams

Field of Wet Dreams

Pre-Water World disaster Kevin Costner stars in the 1989 hit Field of Dreams. If you don’t already know, Kevin basically makes a baseball field in the middle of his corn field where these old dead baseball playas come to play.

First off, I hate baseball. I love pretty much every sport there is except baseball. I realize baseball is an American pastime but I’m Canadian and hockey is the best sport there is.

Baseball is so boring to play and watch. Unless you’re drunk. Nothing exciting ever happens. “Oh he hit the ball out of the park. Good for him.” “Oh he caught a ball going over fence. Awesome! Let’s see a replay of that shit.” I do love playing soccer baseball though.

So Kevin is going crazy and is hearing voices. The voices I hear are telling me to kill Tom Hanks. I don’t know why but whatever. He hears that “if you build it, he will come.” And then he sees an image of a baseball diamond and the baseball playa Shoeless Joe Jackson. But wait, he’s already dead.

I guess he’s some kind of ghost. By the way I don’t know why people believe in ghosts. I’m a 100% sure there is no such thing. I’m more certain of that then believing in God or that my coke zero actually has 50% less calories.

One of my very first blogs was about ghosts. To keep it short, you have to think scientifically. Pretty much everything is made of molecules. Are ghosts made of molecules too? And why do they always lurk in dark basements and what do they do all day? You’d think they will just come out of the closet. Like John Travolta.

So crazy fucker decides to build a baseball diamond in his corn crop. He even got flood lights so his imaginary friends can play in the dark. Those lights must use a shitload of energy. So I guess he’s a farmer. What I don’t understand, is he the only laborer on his farm? You’d think he’d hire more help or Mexicans.

I remember my first real job as a corn detasseling. First off we had to ride the bus like forty minutes both ways to our corn field. Without being paid. It was the worst fucking job ever. Going back and forth detasseling every last cob and getting slapped in the face by the tall corn stalks. And with hardly any breaks. I still made some real money but I quit after two weeks.

Anyway, all of the neighbors think he’s fucking nuts and that he can’t afford his field of dreams. Months go by and no “if you build it, he will come” That’s what she said. Finally Kevin’s daughter Karen sees Shoeless Joe Jackson. When I was a little child I saw OB1 but nobody believed me. Then Kevin and his woman also see Shoeless.

However Kevin is going bankrupt and his bro in law wants him to sell the farm and forget about this silly baseball obsession. It’s too bad Kevin could have let the neighbors use it instead of ghosts who don’t wear shoes.

Then Shoeless invites the rest of his team; the Chicago Black Socks. They play some mean baseball and when they’re done they disappear into the corn field. And they must go through a shitload of baseballs out there.

Kevin is hearing more voices. This time the voices tell him to “ease his pain.” And he has no fucking clue what that is suppose to mean. At the local school some parents are trying to ban a book by this older author Mann. Kevin’s bitch gets into an argument with some broad and is about to fight her. Meow. But if you see these two women it’s not as hot as it sounds.

I missed some parts because I was playing World of Warcraft at the same time but he finds out the author of the books, Mann; who became a bit of hermit. He always wanted to play baseball for the Brooklyn Dodgers or something. I don’t know.

So Kevin decides to seek out him in Los Angeles. By the way Mann is black; so I thought it was hilarious when Kevin is asking random people if they have seen a tall black man. But Kevin finds him. Mann gets pissed off when Kevin comes over so Kevin takes him hostage pretending his finger in his pocket is a gun.

Again Kevin hears the  voices “to go the distance.” Hey that’s my motto. He finds out about this guy Graham that only played one major league game but never got up to bat. Too bad he’s dead. But Kevin finds his ghosts as an old man who tells him he had rather be a doctor than a playa.

So later Kevin picked him up as a young kid, who wants to play some hardball. With Graham as the 9^th playa they can finally play a real baseball game. And guess what, he hits a home run.

Meanwhile bro in law is pissed off with them pretending to see this makeup ball game. He gets into an argument and they knock Kevin’s daughter off the bleachers. Normally they would call a doctor or do something. But don’t worry Graham becomes a geezer again and pretty much just pats her on the back. Apparently she was chocking on a hotdog.

Then bro in law finally sees all of these ghost ball playas and tells Kevin not to sell the field of dreams. Mann is invited to go with these ghosts and write a novel about them.

And Kevin is reunited with his old man as a younger ball playa. I myself never put on a glove and play catch with my dad. For one thing I throw like a chick. So we kicked the old soccer ball around.

So Kevin’s dad asks if this is Heaven. Hmm. That’s a pretty shitty Heaven playing boring ass baseball for the rest of your afterlife. And the movie ends with all of these cars lined up to see Kevin throwing the ball to himself. I guess it would be kind of funny to guck at this crazy man.

My Top 50 Favorite Rap Songs

50.       Choclair                                               Let’s Ride

49.       Black Rob                                            Like Whoa
48.       Beastie Boys                                       Fight for you Right to Party
47.       D12                                                     Fight Music

46.       Alchemist ft. L.O.X.                             Fuego

45.       Swollen Members                                 Fuel Injected

44.       The Streets                                           Has It Come to This?

43.       NWA                                                   Straight Out Of Compton

42.       Classified                                              Oh Canada

41.       Puff Daddy, Mase                                Mo Money Mo Problems

40.       Master P                                              Hoody Hoo

39.       M.O.P.                                                            Cold as Ice

38.       Eminem                                                Criminal

37.       Puff Daddy Faith Evens                        I’ll Be Missing You

36.       Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Kurupt            Next Episode

35.       Outkast                                                Ms. Jackson

34.       Chamillionaire                                       Ridin’ Dirty

33.       Eminem                                                Drug Ballad.

32.       Beastie Boys                                        Intergalactic

31.       Warren G ft. Nate Dogg                      Regulate

30.       Eminem                                                Hellbound

29.       Nas ft. Puff Daddy                                Hate Me Now

28.       Method Man                                        Judgment Day

27.       2 Pac ft. Dr. Dre                                  California Love

26.       G Unit                                      Narcotics

25.       Run DMC                                            It’s Tricky

24.       Kyane West                                         Power

23.       Ruff Ryders                                          Anthem

22.       Wu Tang Clan                                      Triumph

21.       Choclair                                               Rubbin

20.       DJ Green Lantern                                 2 Gunz UP

19.       Eminem, 50 Cent, and Cashis   You Don’t Know

18.       Notorious B.I.G                                   Hypnotize

17.       Coolio                                                  Gansta Paradise

16.       M.O.P.                                                            Ante Up

15.       The Street                                            Blinded by the Lights

14.       Tu Pac                                                 Changes

13.       Jay Z                                                    It’s a Hard Knock Life    

12.       Pras, Mya, Old Dirty Bastard               Ghetto Superstar

11.      Kanye West                                          Jesus Walks

10.       Dayton Family                          Flint Town

9.         50 Cent                                                In Da Club
8.         Method Man & Redman                      Da Rockwilder
7.         Busta Rhymes                                      Fire It Up
6.         Lil Troy                                               Wanna Be a Baller
5.         NWA                                                   Fuck the Police

4.         Eminem                                                Lose Yourself

3.         Notorious B.I.G.                                  Juicy

2.         Sugarhill Gang                          Rappers Delight

1.         Vanilla Ice                                            Ice Ice Baby