I’m Glad I’m Not a Chick

Top Ten Reasons I’m Glad I’m Not a Chick

10.       Taking a leak

Chicks seem to have no bladder. And they can’t piss wherever they want just like us guys can. But as a kid I accidently went into the women’s washroom for a split second and was amazed at how much nicer and bigger they are than the men’s.

9.         Shaving

I hate shaving and I go for days without. I like to go for the rugged masculinity look. I didn’t start shaving my beard until like grade eleven. If you call my beard a beard. But I do love stroking my beard while I’m thinking. Now imagine being a girl; I would have to shave my legs, my armpits, down below, and pretty much anywhere. By the way, does shaving hair make it thicker?

8.         Getting paid less

It’s sexist that women get paid less for the doing same job men do. I think it is because traditionally men are the primary providers of the family. This sucks if you’re single woman.

7.         I’d have to be a lesbian

I love women so much I’d be a huge dyke if I was a chick. I think everyone loves lesbians. It’s too bad that hot homosexual women are few and far between. Unlike gay men. But there are some out there. By the way, if you ever have the chance then watch “But I’m a Cheerleader.” It’s all about gay people and is hilarious.

6.         Taking so damn long to get dressed

My mom takes like thirty minutes every morning just to get ready to leave the house for anything. Such as buying milk at the Kwik-E Mart. It takes her upwards of an hour if she is going out to some social event. It takes me about ten minutes to have a shower, brush my teeth and throw on some clothes. Again I don’t shave everyday.

5.         Nobody likes fat chicks

It’s too bad that in our culture that women are far more pressured than guys to look thin. Look at any sitcom or Family Guy for instance; the father can be a fat sloth but the mother is smoking hot. I think there are two different kinds of fat chicks. There are the nice and funny ones who’s personality makes up for being overweight or ugly. And then there are the mean ones who are mean because nobody could love them.

4.         Being called a whore

If you are man and have sex all of the time, then you’re a playa. Or a pimp. If you’re a chick that likes to get down and busy then you’re as total slut. Personally I like sluts; they know what they want and they are not afraid.

3.         Lame girl’s night out

I don’t know what chicks do when they are together for a girl’s night out. Us men usually get drunk, eat wings, watch the game and just get rowdy. Whatever girls do, it sounds boring. Maybe they have a calories fest and eat Haagen-Dazs and nachos. Maybe they watch shitty reality shows like the bachelor.

2.         Periods

I took me a long ass time to find out about women’s menstrual cycle. Now that I know, I wish I didn’t. It sounds gross. But I loved that part in Super Bad when he didn’t know what the blood on his pants was. It also took me a long ass time to find out about circumcision and that I’m actually circumcised. I thought it was only for Jews.

1.         Giving birth

That’s gotta suck.

The Circus

Lions, tigers and bears oh shit!

Clowns scare the living shit out of me. Have you seen It or a House of a Thousand Corpses? They gave me nightmares. I don’t remember it but a clown came over for one of my cousins’ birthdays and I cried my eyes out and hid behind my mom. We still have the pictures.

They’re not even funny. Seriously who actually laughs at clowns? Haha he wears white makeup and has a huge smile. Haha. His pants are far too big for him. Haha. He must have not tried them. His shoes are also way too big. Haha. But his hat is too small. Haha. His hair is wacky. Haha. And so is his nose. Haha. He should get a nose job. And what’s this? His flower squirts water at you. Haha. Enough, enough, I can’t stop laughing.

Who decides to become a clown anyway? Do they actually take a course like Clowning Around 101 where you have to make balloon animals that don’t resemble anything and perform shitty magic tricks? I think its’ bit creepy having a clown come over to birthdays and kids stuff. You know because it’s a perfect job for pedophiles who would love being surrounded by children all day.

Anyway as far as I know the circus has never come to my hometown. And I’m glad. Again because of the clowns. Back in the day there were the Ringling Bros and Barnum Bailey circuses. Apparently they were the greatest shows on Earth. I guess this was long before T.V. and motion pictures came along. I think Wings took over as the greatest show on Earth.

They would travel around the states and build these massive tents wherever they go. It reminds me of camping when you had to setup your own tent before nightfall. I was so shitty at doing it my friends had to setup mine for me and tell me not to get into their way. “Greg just drink some beer.” When I did try I was sopping wet the next morning and had bug bites all over me.

Many circuses feature live performances with animals. Like having a bear balance on a ball, elephants doing tricks and lions jumping through hoops of fire. But it’s one thing for a dog or dolphin to perform tricks, but not for these animals

PETA annoys me, but there is definitely animal cruelty. I gather they beat animals into submission and lock them in tiny confinements. On stage the lion tamers seem to be friends with the lions. But you know what; they’re still wild and ferocious animals and do not make good pets. They could just lose it at any moment.

And that’s exactly what happened. A couple of times. I was watching this Russian circus on Youtube and the one lion just snapped and attacked the guy. The lion was ripping right into him. The clowns and crew got out hoses, tasers and whatever. And then the other lions joined in. They whole audience fled except for the guy with the camera. That’s karma.

Many circuses have tightrope walkers. I remember as a kid or when I’m drunk, I liked to tightrope walk across parking curbs or anything narrow really. The other year some daredevil with huge balls tightroped across Niagara Falls. I don’t know if he had to have a net or what. I hope he had his passport with him. So what is next, across the Grand Canyon?

But I have to admit the Cirque du Soleil is pretty fucking cool. Cirque Soleil blows the competition out of the water. These aren’t your typical acrobats and lame trapeze acts. I didn’t realize that there are actually a bunch of Cirque du Soleil shows all over the world. I thought there was only one in Vegas.

So I watched a couple Cirques on Youtube and they blew my mind. Especially on weed. Normally I’m not impressed by jugglers but this one guy was crazy. I can do one ball. Maybe two. I have seen two contortionists that flex as if they don’t have bones. I can barely touch my own feet. They could lick their own pussy if they really wanted to. And there were trampoline jumpers doing all of these crazy flips. They should be in the Olympics. And they were all pretty boys in really good shape. Too bad for the ladies they’re probably gay.

Quentin Taratino

Quentin Tarantino is one of my favorite writers/directors/actors. He has made so many awesome flicks like Kill Bill, Inglorious Bastards and Django Unchained. Here are his first three great movies: Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction and Jackie Brown. If you haven’t seen them yet, go out rent or download them now and be prepared for a cinematic adventure.

Reservoir Dogs

“Why am I Mr. Pink?” “Because you’re a faggot!” Reservoir Dogs is the cult classic that made Tarantino and some of the actors, like Steve Buscemi and Samuel L. Jackson, in it famous or at least well known. It pretty much has no budget; I think a fake ear was the most expensive special effect. But like all good movies it has a good story. It’s about a bank robbery except it doesn’t show the actual robbery. It doesn’t go as plan and the robbers are not sure who’s alive or dead and if the cops know where they are. The chronology is all fucked up to make it confusing so you don’t know whose who and what happened. There is hardly any action but this makes it all the more real and cool when there is some. Like all his films there is a lot of witty dialog, whether jokes, debates or past stories to keep things interesting. It’s an awesome movie the first time around and its fun to watch it again to see how the parts connect. I give it an 8.5.

Pulp Fiction

Bring out the Gimp! Pulp Fiction has got to be one of my favorite movies of all time! Made in 1994, its Tarantino second great movie. Like Reservoir Dogs, the chronology is all messed up so you have several mini stories or parts that all come together in the end. A great cast that includes Samuel L. Jackson, Uma Thurman, Bruce Willis, Travolta and Christopher Walken. Samuel L. Jackson and Travolta are hired goons who are sent to get this expensive or rare thing in a brief case back. Bruce is a boxer who doesn’t go down as he suppose to, makes off with a lot of money and must get out of L.A. before he’s killed. There are so many good lines like “I’m going to get medieval on your ass!” I mean Jackson’s wallet says Bad Mother Fucker. And seeing this fat chick get shot in the leg was one of the funniest things I ever saw. And like any good movie there are some drugs in it and the light hearted mistake of putting heroin in a coke bag, hahaha. It’s totally amazing the first time around and is always fun to watch over again. It’s a perfect movie; I give it a mother fucking TEN.

Jackie Brown

Jackie Brown is considered Tarantino’s third great film also with a great cast, including again Samuel L. Jackson. Jackie is a black middle aged Stewardess who is has been in and out of trouble with the law. This time for smuggling Sam’s money and some coke. Her bail is paid, and the bondsman falls in love with her. Samuel is a gun runner who wants to safely transfer his money from Mehico to Compton. He lives with his stoner surf girl Bridget Fonda. Hotty! And his old friend Di Nero has just been released. Now the Feds, including Michael Keaton, are after Ms Brown and nobody knows what side she’s on. Anyway I’m notoriously bad at knowing what exactly is going on in the film so I will just stop here. And spoiler alert, Chris Tucker makes a brief appearance of riding in the trunk of a car. It has the same style of Tarantino’s films with some great retro music like Across 110th Street. Awesome song. But it drags on a little too long and there are too many conversation scenes. I give it at 7.5. A good movie but a little disappointing.

Novelties

Here is some stuff that gets boring quickly:

Air hockey

Way back, I went to Orlando, Florida with my relatives. We stayed in this massive Hotel with its own arcade. There me and my cousin played a shitload of air hockey. It was fun, so fun my cousin begged his mom to get one. I told him they would get boring in a week and it will only take up space. I guarantee people who own one are sick of it. However foosball, ping pong and billiards on the other hand are always awesome.

Segway

I never actually tried a segway or have seen one in person. But I don’t need to try one to know they must get boring fast. It’s all of the fun standing up without walking. Seriously how lazy can you be? Crippled people use wheelchairs because they can’t stand up in the first place. I wonder whether you use it on the sidewalk or on the streets. And I wonder how fast they can go, if they can go off-road and if you need a segway helmet.

Skidoos

I have tried my buddy’s skidoo a couple of times. It was fun for a while hitting waves and trying to do jumps. But skidoos get old fast. Unlike a bike, rollerblades or a skateboard it doesn’t really work for transportation. Unless you live New Orleans. Now it’s taking up space in my friend’s garage and I don’t know how much he can get for selling it.

Pinball

I used to play some mean pinball at the arcade. It’s fun to try to keep going as long as possible and to try to beat the high score. I love when you get multi balls. But when you own one at home there is really no point to it. The same goes with Pacman. At the arcade its fun, but when you owe one, like I do, it gets boring and frustrating fast. I mean how far can you possibly go and can you beat it? I made it to level three. There should be a Guinness World record. Like for making it to level seven. If there is a level seven.

Remote Control Cars

One of my worst purchase decisions was buying a remote control car. Me and buddy both got one at the same time. First we drove them all over the streets even though the range was limited. We made ramps to do some crazy jumps and even used it on the playground. It was fun for a few days. Not so much anymore. I was thinking of supping it up it by adding lasers, bombproof armor, gold rims and Sirius satellite radio.

Remote Control Helicopters.

Then there are those remote control helicopters. I tried it out at Future Shop and it was cool. Buddy on my hockey team has one. I wonder how high they can go and what happens when the batteries wear out. It could crash and I doubt the warranty covers it. But I guarantee the novelty will wear off. Unless if you add a magnet to pick up beer cans. That would be cool.

Trampoline

I always wanted to jump on a trampoline as a kid. I finally got the chance to try it at a friend of a friend’s place. Years later my friend’s neighbor got one and I actually paid $2 to try it out. So like a little kid I had to get one for my birthday. It was fun jumping with friends and seeing who can jump the highest. Too bad my mom was extremely worried that me or a friend might break our neck trying to do flips. But it got old and we finally packed it away because it just took up so much room in my backyard. But just now I have the biggest craving to jump on it again.

Swimming Pools

I have a sizeable swimming pool. As kids it was awesome. We played a lot of Marco Polo and water polo. Too bad my neighbors’ tall ass trees used to overhang my pool and leaves, bugs and shit would sprinkle on it. And because of the damn trees it was in the shade and wasn’t the warmest pool. I recommend just jumping in instead of walking down the steps slowly. Too bad I could never do flips. I either pussy out and just jump in. Or I land on my back. Now I only jump in to cool off on those hot summer days. Trust me, having your own pool gets boring. Unless there are hot chicks swimming with you.

Electric Guitar

Years ago for Christmas I got an electric guitar. We bought it brand new and spent over $350 for it and all of the accessories. I should have just gone to the pawnshop or even Wal-Mart. Being on my reverse retirement and having all of the time in the world I thought I will get lessons and become a rock god. I tried it a couple of times and broke a string. I couldn’t play anything remotely coherent or friendly to the ears. Now it’s just sitting there in the far corner collecting dust and cobwebs.

But my dream of being a rock star lives on. You know how you have fantasy baseball and you pick and choose your favorite players and assign them to each position. I do that with rock bands. My band would have Slash and Angus Young on guitar, Eddie Vedder on vocals, Flea on bass. Travis Barker on drums and me on cowbells. Then I would go back in time and steal all of my favorite songs from other bands and combine them to have the greatest rock band ever! I’d call it the Gregera Experience.

The Tragically Hip

The Tragically Hip are an awesome Canadian alternative rock band that have been around since the early 80s. Here are my seventeen favorite songs. If you want to sample their videos then try Youtube or allmusic. And the video the Darkest Ones feature an awesome Canadian show the Trailer Park Boys. So check them out.

17.       Something On

16.       Silver Jet

15.       Ahead by a Century

14.       Bobcaygeon

13.       Vaccination Scar

12.       Poets

11.       Little Bones

10.       At the Hundredth Meridian

9.         Three Pistols

8.         The Darkest Ones

7.         Blow at High Dough

6.         New Orleans is Sinking

5.         Grace Too

4.         Music at Work

3.         Fifty Mission Cap

2.         Courage

1.         Nautical Disaster