Crime Pays

I’m a law abiding citizen. I’ve never committed any crimes. The most I got was a parking ticket. There are two reasons why; my own moral principles and fear of getting caught.

Or at least I’ve never been caught. I almost got a DUI when I drank five beers at home, drove to the bar and had another beer. However I wouldn’t say I was drunk per say.

So I was dropping everyone off and buddy told me to pull over. He grabbed a garbage can and threw it in the middle of the street. And it just so happened a cop was down the road and he pulled me over. But he was a nice guy and let me off. I’ll never do that again.

So here are some different crimes:

Murder

I don’t get why people think murdering someone is a great idea. Do they think they can get away with it? Is it worth spending the rest of you’re life in prison? Is it ever acceptable?

Let’s say your wife cheated on you and you’re totally angry. “Yes, I feel betrayed; I think it’s okay if I stab her twenty times. That will make me feel much better.” And what will you do afterwards. “I’ll put on a good show and cry a lot. I’ll say I want the perpetrator caught. And if that doesn’t work, I’m going to Mexico.”

I’ve seen it many times on A&E. Sometimes they get away with it, and put on a good show. But everyone knows they did it. Take O.J. I think its hearsay, but the fucker had a motive and why would an innocent man run away from the police?

How shitty would it be to spend fifteen to life in prison? I’m pretty sure they would spend the rest of their sad life in prison regretting it. You know, being someone’s bitch and eating whatever shitty food they eat. Spending most of their time in a small cell without television or Netflix. Reading the bible and doing pushups.

But are there situations when you would murder someone? Like if some fucker beaten and raped your daughter. I would feel compelled to get back at him. I think I would kill the bastard or at least kick his ass. You know an eye for an eye.

Assault

Assault isn’t nearly as bad as murder. I’m not sure how it works. I mean what happens in a drunken bar fight? Is it the first guy to throw a punch or is the guy who kicks some ass that gets arrested.

For example let’s say a dude grabs your girlfriend’s boobs or called her a hoar or something. You can’t just sit there and do nothing. And you can’t call the cops and tell on him. “Officer, some asshole hit on my girlfriend. Will you arrest him please?”

Stalking

Stalking is so creepy. I should know, I stalk Jennifer Love Hewitt. I usually drive by her house and look through her windows with my binoculars. I find photos of her and put them all over my wall.  I even made my Jennifer Love Hewitt shrine. I guess you could say I Jennifer Love Her. We belong together forever. She just doesn’t know that yet.

Rape

How much of a scum do you have to be to rape someone and feel good about yourself? I don’t know why they can’t just jerk off to internet porn like everyone else. Or get a hooker or something. Maybe this is why prostitution should be legal.

Is it really worth that much trouble for a few minutes of pleasure? Or seconds? Depending on how long you can last. But the whole time you still have still hold her down while she’s fighting back and biting you. I wonder if it works the other way and you get raped by some Amazon chick.

But that would be a fun game to play with your girl. I’d call it the rape fantasy. “Ya, I’m raping you. Take it that.” “No, please stop!” I think you’d laugh more than anything else.

Raymond Comeau

Raymond Comeau is a sex offender from Sarnia. I knew this fuck from elementary school. I hate him. In fact the word hate isn’t strong enough word. Obviously everyone called him Raymond Homo.

He was a huge pervert. I remember he would show kids his dick and shit in elementary school. He actually climbed into the vents to watch little girls in the change room. I’m completely serious. It was like in the movie Not Another Teen Movie only incredibly creepier.

I don’t know the full story but so it’s no surprise that he raped and attacked about five women in their homes. He finally got caught in 2004 and I hope he knows what it feels to be raped. I hope he fucking dies. I would kill if I had the chance. Just search his name and Sarnia to find more about this evil fuck.

Robbery

In kindergarten when they asked what you wanted to be, I said I wanted to be a robber. I thought it would be fun. The other kid said he wanted to be a policeman.

But seriously I guarantee most robberies involve drug use. They are most likely strung out junkies. Maybe if their drugs were made available they wouldn’t have to resort to this. I mean I don’t give a shit if someone I don’t know does heroin. Who gives a fuck if they are polluting their own bodies? I’ll get back to that later.

I don’t think people rob banks and other places because they need food or necessities. And if they did need food I’m sure they could steal some bread and Twinkies at a grocery store. They wouldn’t need guns and threaten innocent people.

Kidnapping

In most cases kidnapping involves children, mostly from divorces. There are the rare cases where they lock them up in their homes and probably have their way with them. Take the movie Prisoner. The guy’s girls go missing and his only lead is this creepy guy who had his RV parked where the girls were last seen. It’s messed up.

Theft

Theft isn’t as bad as robbing some bank or threatening other people. I would never do it because I don’t want to be banned from a store. But I thought it would be hilarious if I stole one of those cardboard stand-ups of a cop saying shoplifting is a crime. That would be ironic.

However if I was 100% sure that I wouldn’t get caught I’d steal from a multi-millionaire. I’m sure he wouldn’t miss a T.V. or diamond ring that much. What thieves do now is steal from a house and then sell or pawn the stolen goods. But pawn stores have precautions in measure.

Pretty much every store has those alarm gates now. When I worked at Wal-Mart people would hide items in other items. Such as luggage. Then if the alarms go off you don’t accuse them but say you forgot to pay for it or we didn’t demagnetize the item.

In other parts of the world there are pickpocketers. I know someone who had his wallet stolen. I forgot where exactly but he even had a chain attached to his wallet but these sneaky bastards cut it. That’s why I keep my wallet in my front pocket. Beside its much more comfortable than sitting on it.

And my rich lawyer uncle’s wife had her diamond ring and other valuables stolen in Mexico. I don’t know why she brought it with her but it the cops wouldn’t do fuck all about it.

Arson

Arson isn’t cool. Do you remember the rapist Raymond Homo I mentioned earlier? Around my neighborhood there are these tall poplar trees. They’re seeds are what we call fluffs because well they’re fluffs like snow. So idiot lit a lawn full of them and they all shot up in flames. That could have started a real fire.

Grand Theft Auto

Grand Theft Auto is an awesome game. Sometimes I do the missions but mainly I like to kill a bunch of people and then try to run away from the cops. If you were a car thief what you steal? I would love to nab a Lamborghini or delorean. On the other hand there’re not too many of them around.

Imagine there is an apocalypse and you and a handful of people are the only survivors. How cool would it be to steal whatever you want and just drive as fast as you can anywhere you want? That would be so much fun.

Solicitation

I actually think they should legalize hookers. Like at a broth or something. I mean who gives a fuck if women or men are selling their bodies? I don’t think they care at all. What’s the worse that could happen besides STDs? It would be so much safer than having pimps and rapists. I mean don’t you feel sorry about some hideous freak that could never score with a decent looking human being?

Fraud

Frauds happen all of the time. Mostly against old people because old people are trustworthy and gullible. My mom knows this old lady on a fixed income that gives money to this preacher.

Personally I don’t trust computers or the internet. I don’t like giving out my credit card and I don’t trust poker sites. That’s why I like prepaid cards.

There was this douche who tried to scam my roommate. We rented a place in London, Ontario and since I was only going to live there in the summer he decided to rent it out his room. Well this douche from I think England said he’d rent it. But he said he gave too much money and wanted some back. Good thing my roommate’s banker warned him of this scam.

Illegal Gambling

I love to gamble. I would even bet money on Mario Kart 64, Micromachines and Dr. Mario with my friend. But I don’t know how illegal gambling works and why would you want to gamble there at all. By the way have you seen Rounders? What an awesome movie.

Is it illegal to hold a poker game at your house? I used to play at this guy Chewy’s place after our poker league. It was so much fun and so addictive. We all passed around the joints. It was only forty cent blinds but the pots could get up there.

I made twenty five bucks on one hand because I knew this guy would try to buy the pot. And I bought pizza with it and it was delicious. Or what about the dice game that people play in the ghetto. Is that legal?

Speeding

I have never got a speeding ticket. I usually go fifteen km over the limit. If I’m on the highway I will sometimes follow anyone going fast. I just don’t know if the cops will pull over the first guy or the guy following him. I like when there are those signs telling you how fast you’re going. I usually look at my speedometer to see how fast I’m going.

Graffiti

There are two kinds of graffiti. The cool ones that look like they took a lot of time, effort and skill. They’re usually on condemned buildings and rail carts. And then there are just stupid ones that people just scribbled on someone’s fence or sidewalk. You know stupid ones like a swastika or one saying Amy is a hoar. They’re just eyesores.

For example there is this nature trail that goes under the highway. And teens like to hang out under the overpass for some unknown reason. And these teens like spray painting the sides. And every two months the city paints over it so more teens can spray paint it all over again.

Hate Crime

I never quite understood what a hate crime is. For instance I don’t see the difference between committing a crime against another white person than against a black person. Isn’t a crime a crime? “Well you assaulted this person because you don’t like black people. Next time just assault the person because you just don’t like them and not because they are a different race. We’re trying to stop this racism.”

Narcotics

In a free country people should be able to consume any psychoactive substances they want. It’s their own bodies. It’s like making Taco Bell illegal because its full of fat and low grade meat.

In Holland all drugs are legal and needles are made available to drug users. And there are actually less drug users than in the States or Canada.

As I said earlier who gives a fuck if some people are killing themselves with heroine? Its much better than sending them to prison. What’s the worse that’s going to happen? Making crack legal isn’t going to make me want to do it any more. By legalizing it, it would eliminate the criminal behavior and actually turn a profit.

It’s acceptable for people to take prescription medication. But oh, recreational drug use, that  has to go. Fine, keep meth, crack, PCP and others illegal. But for Christ’s sake legalize marijuana now. It’s absolutely harmless. And it’s a much safer alternative to other drugs, huffing gas or the choking game.

You already have the two stupidest legal drugs. Booze makes you do dumb things like drunk driving, vomiting, blacking out or passing out. I much rather be a pothead than an alcoholic. But prohibition lead to bootlegging and crime actually went up. And smoking is so addictive and so harmful for your lungs and overall health.

There is the stigma surrounding weed. I say this all of the time, but I don’t like feeling like a criminal or evil person because I like to get high, feel good, laugh and get the munchies. Imagine if it wasn’t an illegal substance. What would be considered the worst?

And the gateway drug argument is stupid.

Again, what is everyone afraid of? What is the worst that’s going to happen? Day 1: marijuana is made legal. Day 2: marijuana is sold to kids. Day 3: car accidents occur all over. Day 4: riots everywhere. Day 5: marshal law comes into effect. Day 6: complete anarchy.

You know what’s going to happen? Nothing. I have never had problems obtaining weed. People will continue to enjoy weed. Probably more people will smoke it. Fine, make it illegal to drive under the influence. Make it available to only people over 19 years of age. Make you it so you can’t smoke in public. It’s a wonderful drug. I honestly think it will change people’s lives for the better.

AFI’s 100 Greatest American Movies of All Time

It would take me a long fucking time to create my own top 100 movie list. I mean how could I decide?

First off I don’t think it’s fair to include every genre into one list. I love to laugh. So I love to smoke weed and watch a comedy. So pretty much all my top movies would be comedies. And that means Austin Powers would be my favorite movie of all time.

The problem with the AFI is that I’m assuming they’re all old people and people tend to like movies they were brought up by. For example my dad loves his old World War two movies. I’d fall asleep if I watched them. I tend to have a rule of thumb to not watch black and white movies.

I grew up in the 80s so movies such as Goonies or Ghostbusters are close to my heart. I tend not to watch comedies before the 80s. I had to watch Singing in the Rain in film class and it had its moments. But I would never smoke weed and watch it with my friends. I’d rather do a word search puzzle or watch Home Improvement.

I mean when me and my buddies got high and watched Zoolander it’s one of those movies where you look at each other and giggle like crazy. Singing in the Rain at most would make me smile at best. And I laughed my ass of when I watched Stranger than Fiction.

I’m not much of horror movie fan. Unless I’m on shrooms I won’t get scared. And I hate the Saw movies. They’re disgusting and it makes me feel bad for the victims. I just want to strangle that puppet thing. I rather watch the Shinning, Paranormal Activity or the underdog Canadian series Cube. Now that’s scary.

Unlike my dad I hate most Westerns. I just don’t like that time period. I rather watch a medieval movie. I’m not much of a Civil War movie fan either. They haven’t made any really good ones. So I was disappointed when I watch Lincoln. I was expecting some cool battle scenes. There was only a brief battle scene at the beginning. The rest was boring and I couldn’t give a fuck about American founding fathers.

I used to be an action movie fan when I was little. I really enjoyed Universal Soldiers for instance. Now I can’t stand them. Like Red. My dad loved it. I didn’t love it.  I’m tired of car chases and explosions. I admit I still love James Bond. And I love dramas with some action. If you can see the difference. Take Brave Heart, I wouldn’t classify it as an action movie, but there are some awesome action scenes.

I like to watch a movie with a good plot or story. Take the Beach, Memento, the Butterfly Effect and Vanilla Sky. Now that’s good movie making. I care about the characters and I want see what unfolds. And some of my favorite mobster movies are Pulp Fiction, Goodfellas and Scar Face.

So I looked up American Film Institute’s greatest 100 movies. I never even heard of half of them. I know they felt obligated to include all of these classic movies. Had a random movie like Snatch been made in the 50s then I know it would rank high on the list. It didn’t even make it. And had Vertigo been made in the 90s, I’m sure it wouldn’t be on the list. I think they fell in love with Hitchcock and want to suck his dick.

So here is the American Film Institute’s One Hundred Greatest Movies!

[100] Yankee Doodle Dandy

What a stupid fucking title. Like all ancient movies it’s a musical. Which pretty much means it sucks.

[99] Guess who’s Coming to Dinner

Guess who’s never heard of this movie.

[98] Unforgiven

I’m not much of a Western fan but it sounds alright. It stars Clint Eastwood, Gene Hackman and Morgan Freeman. I think everyone loves Morgan Freeman’s voice.

[97] Bringing Up Baby

This movie is a 1938 comedy. Which is kind of a contradiction. But I’m sure people back then laughed their asses off.

[96] The Searchers

My dad is a huge John Wayne fan and I’m sure he owns the Searchers. And I’m sure it’s racists against aboriginals.

[95] Pulp Fiction

Only the 95^th greatest movie? Pulp Fiction is one of my top ten favorite movies. It’s a Quentin Taratino film so you know the chronology is messed up. The best scene is when Samuel L. Jackson is interrogating this guy and this guy keeps saying what? “What" ain't no country I've ever heard of. They speak English in What?”

[94] Goodfellas

Goodfellas is probably my favorite mobster movie. It’s based on a true story. These gangsters pull off the biggest heist at the time. And when the protagonist is arrested he narcs on all of the mob bosses.

[93] The Apartment

“Movie-wise there has never been anything like The Apartment, love-wise, laugh-wise or other-wise.” You know how incredibly awesome a movie is with those sick rhymes on the cover. I’m sure it sucked-wise.

[92] A Place in the Sun

Oh shit this dude has two affairs and gets his first woman knocked up. I’m sure back then in the 50s this film was really racy. Now he have Jerry Springer.

[91] My Fair Lady

Apparently there is this bet that one dude can change this hippy chick into fooling everyone that’s she’s refined lady. Kind of like Pretty Woman.

[90] The Jazz Singer

There are several Jazz Singer movies, so I assume they mean the shitty 1927 one. This Jewish son doesn’t want to follow their retarded traditions and dreams of becoming a Jazz Singer. It only got 6.9 on IMDB.

[89] Patton

Patton is a WW2 war movie I have yet to see. I can think of a hundred better war movies than this.

[88] Easy Rider

Easy Rider is a cool 60s movie about two guys riding their motorbikes to Mardi Gras to party. And it features the cool Steppenwolf song Born to be Wild. I also love the song Magic Carpet Ride. Once there they drop some acid and run into trouble with some rednecks.

[87] Frankenstein

Did you know Frankenstein was the mad scientist and not his monster. I’m sure when Mary Shelley wrote it, it was terrifying. Rrrrr. Now I’d probably laugh.

[86] Mutiny and the Bounty

This is mutiny, I have never heard of it.

[85] Duck Soup

That’s disgusting, I love ducks. The chicks are so cute when they follow their mother single file. They should make geese soup. I hate those fuckers. They don’t move out of the way, they hiss at you and they shit all over the fucking place. The other day a kicked a bay one. It was so gratifying.

[84] Fargo

Fargo is a good movie where they take this rich guy’s wife for ransom but things don’t go down as planned. I think Suicide Kings was better. I have been thinking of taking myself ransom and try to swindle some money from my folks. I might have to cut off one of my fingers though. For realism.

[83] Platoon

Awesome Vietnam movie starring the man with dragon’s blood; Charlie Sheen. Hey his name’s Charlie. Coincidence? I’ve heard he and his friend took a bet to see how many hookers they could fuck. Too bad he quit Two and a Half Men. He was the show. I love how they killed him off though.

[82] Giant

I wonder what it would be like to be a giant. Sure it would be expensive but hey you could spend you’re whole day just eating and drinking beer without worrying about your weight. But everything would be too small. Like your shower or your cell phone. And you’d need handmade shoes and clothes. And your dick would be almost too big.

[81] Modern Times

For a movie made in 1936 it’s not too modern. Charlie Chaplin is a funny as the holocaust. It’s a silent movie so it must suck. Audiences were happy enough just to see moving pictures. I do remember the scene where you get’s trapped in the cogs and shit.

[80] The Wild Bunch

It’s about a bank robbery. I’m sure they’re a real wild bunch. I rather watch Snatch.

[79] The Deer Hunter

The Deer Hunter is one of the most overrated movies ever. It’s so boring. I myself couldn’t shoot a deer. They’re so cute. However I do have those killer Cabalas hunting games for the Wii. My mom thinks it’s still wrong. But I’d shoot a baby goose in the eye.

[78] Rocky

“Adrian!” The Rocky movies are pretty fucking sweet. I love listening to Eye of the Tiger while running up the few steps at City Hall. I was never sure if he acted like he couldn’t talk or that he can’t talk at all. Mickey: “You’re gonna eat lightning and crap thunder!”

[77] American Graffiti

George Lucas made this movie before Star Wars. Harrison Ford even stars in it. I gather Lucas was a fan of drag racing and this was why he created those stupid Ipod Races. As a teenager we would also drive all over town. Now gas prices have doubled since then.

[76] City Lights

Another Charlie Chaplin shitfest. I don’t understand why these critics feel obligated to put all of these old movies on the list. I wouldn’t even waste my time watching it.

[75] Dances with Wolves

I saw this at the theaters with my family. Me and my brother wanted to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles instead. But I loved it.. I like how he hits on the only white chick. He couldn’t even understand her. It was a Costner classic. Then he made Water World. Cough.

[74] The Gold Rush

Sometimes I watch those gold digging reality shows. They spend a fortune but they can get lucky. I myself want a giant golden statute of me riding a dragon.

[73] Wuthering Heights

There are several Wuthering Heights movies and I’m sure they all suck. These movies aren’t that great when I never even heard of them.

[72] Ben Hur

I’ve seen it before. It was huge production about an epic chariot race in ancient Rome. Its stars Charleston Heston who later goes on to star in Planet of the Apes. He’s also a member of the RNA. “You can take my rifle when you pry it from my cold dead hands!”

[71] Forrest Gump

Forrest Gump should be on any top movie lists. It’s one of those movies you can watch over and over again. I have already written a blog about it years ago. So check it out.

[70] The French Connection

I hate French people.

[69] Shane

Why the fuck is this movie the 69^th greatest movie of all time. I read a summary about this western and it sounds boring as Hell.

[68] An American in Paris

Yet another movie from the 50s. There aren’t enough movies from the 80s, 90s or God forbid the 2000s. It’s about a love triangle. And I hate French people.

[67] The Manchurian Candidate

I’m starting to think the AFI doesn’t even like good movies. I guarantee had they released this movie now, it would bomb at the box office and would never even make it on this bias ass top 100 list.

[66] The Network

I liked the Social Network. Awesome movie. Oh I wished I created Facebook and become a billionaire. What would I do with all that mullah? Perhaps make a giant golden statute of me riding a dragon.

[65] The Silence of the Lambs

“Hello Clarice.” Wicked movie. Anthony Hopkins is fucking crazy. I like how he gets into her head. And I like how he escapes. I’ve heard people taste like chicken.

[64] Close Encounters of the Third Kind

Do you ever notice how Steven Spielberg is obsessed with aliens? You have E.T., War of the Worlds, A.I., Batteries Not Included, Men in Black, Transformers, Cowboys and Indians and even Indiana Jones: the Crystal Skull. I enjoyed it but it shouldn’t be on any top 100 movie list.

[63] Stagecoach

I’m running out of things to say about mediocre westerns. It’s another John Wayne movie where I’m assuming they are on some sort of stagecoach.

[62] Tootsie

This unemployed actor dresses as a woman so he can star in some soap opera. Oh imagine all of the hijinks and uncomfortable situations. I never seen it but I’m sure at least one scene is with some dude hitting on him until he feels Tootsie’s dick. I rather watch Ms. Doubtfire.

[61] Vertigo

I had to watch it in film class and it had a good twist. I think the Sixth Sense or Unbreakable had way better twists though. I mean it blew my mind when I watched those. But I knew right away what would happen in the Village.

[60] Raiders of the Lost Arc

Awesome movie. Too bad the one Blossom chick from Big Bang Theory ruined it for everyone. Because when you really think about it, Indiana Jones didn’t accomplish anything. The Nazis would still have found the Arc and they still would have been killed when they opened it.

[59] Rebel Without a Cause

I’ve heard good things about it and I should watch it one rainy day. I’ve read they have switchblade knife fights and play chicken. I myself am bit of a rebel. The other day the lady at McDonalds gave me too much change and I kept it.

[58] Fantasia

I saw it really stoned and I wasn’t all too impressed. Everyone knows the Sorcerers’ Apprentice where Mickey gets lazy and decides to make all of these brooms carry water. But there are too many and they flood the place. I want brooms that can bring me beer.

[57] The Third Man

I read the summary and it sounds boring as Hell. It’s something to do with a black market and a mysterious death. I sold one of my kidneys at one and bought a counterfeit karaoke machine.

[56] MASH

MASH stands for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital. I’m surprised that a comedy about the Korean War did so well. Normally a military hospital would be sad and gloomy. You end up with soldiers shot in the stomach, dying or their legs amputated.

[55] The Sound of Music

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Big Macs, videogames, beer are some of my favorite things

[54] All Quiet on the Western Front

Another war movie I have never heard of. If this shitty 30s movie made the list then Saving Private Ryan or Enemy at the Gates should be on it too.

[53] Amadeus

It’s some obscure movie with something to do with Mozart, religion and an insane asylum. At least it was made in the 80s. I don’t think I could even find this movie at the movie rental store if I tried.

[52] From Here to Eternity

Why is this movie even on this list of the greatest movies?

[51] The Philadelphia Story

All of the actors are dead now. That’s hilarious.

[50] Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

At least I have heard of this movie.

[49] Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Another overrated Disney movie. It’s so fucking shitty compared to the new cartoons like Finding Nemo, UP and Megamind. Half the movie is them washing dishes. But can you name them all? They are Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, and Dopey. Dopey is creepy as fuck and I think he’s on the dope.

[48] Jaws

Jaws is a cool movie. Probably one of Spielberg’s only movies not about aliens. It scared the shit out of everyone swimming in the ocean. But not here in the Great Lakes. Its fresh water and the only fish we have to worry about are large mouth bass.

[47] Taxi Driver

“Are you talking to me?” Awesome Martin Scorsese movie that stars Robert De Niro as the taxi driver and a young Jodie Foster as the hooker.

[46] A Clockwork Orange

An awesome Stanley Kubrick movie, it’s really messed up. You probably seen the part where guy is hooked up to the T.V. with his eyes pried open so he can’t look away while he watches horrible things. It’s all about the theme of freewill.

[45] A Streetcar Named Desire

Stella! Stelllla!

[44] The Birth of a Nation

It’s a civil war movie about the rise of the Ku Klux Klan. Haha what a bunch of rednecks. I remember back in the day when Jerry Springer was new and fresh, he had the grand dragon on the show and he was about to lose it on those racist assholes. I never understood why they burn upside down crosses.

[43] King Kong

I have never watched the full movie but I remember King Kong goes on rampage in New York and climbs the buildings and grabs some hot blond from her apartment. And the planes are shooting at him. Have you ever played Rampage? What a sweet videogame. They should have a new 3D version where you can go anywhere in the city.

[42] Rear Window

A famous Hitchcock movie. I’ve heard of it before. It’s about this paranoid man in a wheelchair with binoculars that spies on his neighbors and thinks he has witnessed a murder. There was a great Simpson episode when they open a pool and Bart breaks his leg and he thinks Ned Flanders killed his wife.

[41] West Side Story

My grade seven class went to see the play West Side Story. There are two rival gangs in Manhattan. There is the white gang the Jets and the multicultural gang the Sharks. I liked when the guy gets stabbed.

[40] North by Northwest

Another Hitchcock movie that I have never seen it or never will see.

[39] Doctor Zhivago

Haha nice name. There was actually this kid in my school that his father named him Zilvar. It sounds like a something a magician would call himself.

[38] Double Indemnity

It’s about this salesman having an affair with some other guy’s’ wife. They decide to kill him in order to get money from an accident insurance policy. I’ve heard of this before on A&E. It never ends up working. One time this dude won the lottery and thought it’d be grand idea to have his wife knocked off so he could keep it all for himself.

[37] The Best Years of Our Lives

High school is probably the best years of your lives. Then it’s all downhill from there.

[36] Midnight Cowboy

It’s about this dishwasher that likes to dress as a cowboy. He decides to become a male hooker to make some cash. I knew a real crackhead dishwasher from my poker league. He would always go all in, all the time. So you just have to wait till you have something decent. I heard he lost $300 at the casino. That’s a lot of crack money, I wish I was at that table.

[35] It Happened One Night

I don’t consider comedies from the 30s comedies. You know what funnier, let see is. There is Austin Powers, Zoolander, Grandmas Boy, 40 Year Old Virgin, and Dodgeball. I could go on.

[34] To Kill a Mocking Bird

I have heard of it. But it probably sucks. Based on some book about a southerner lawyer that is defending a black man against rape charges. I’m sure it’s racist. Fun fact: I was actually named after Gregory Peck. But I never really liked my name.

[33] High Noon

I actually watched this while playing videogames for some reason. It’s so fucking long and slow. The movie should have been like five minutes. And when noon comes along they have the sheriff just shoots the bad guys and that’s it.

[32] The Godfather Part Two

Finally a worthy movie. The third one is good too but not as good as the first two.

[31] Annie Hall

I never found Woody Allen movies funny. I just don’t like the actor because he ends up fucking his adopted child.

[30] The Treasure of Sierra Madre

There be treasure in Mexico. I thought this would be pirate movie.

[29] Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

I don’t care.

[28] Apocalypse Now

Amazing. “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.” It’s my favorite Vietnam movie, based on the novel the Heart of Darkness. The best part is when they play Ride of the Valkries on the helicopters when they attack Charlie’s point. And the chef asks why do all you guys sit on your helmets. “So we don’t get our balls blown off.”

[27] Bonnie and Clyde

I haven’t seen this true-life mobster movie yet but it sounds worth watching. I prefer Natural Born Killers. I love the end where they break out of prison to the Rage Against Machine song.

[26] Dr. Strangelove

I rented it just so I could say I’ve seen it. But I fell asleep. The full title is Dr. Strangelove and How I Learned to Love the Bomb. You probably know the scene when the guy rides the atomic bomb like a cowboy.

[25] E.T.

I already wrote a blog about E.T. I love how his alien friends ditch him and he has to use a Speak n Spell to phone home. They didn’t have Verizon Wireless in the 80s. I just didn’t like this movie that much.

[24] |Raging Bull

It’s another Scorsese flick starring De Niro as a boxer. I didn’t really like it as much as I thought I would.

[23] The Maltese Falcon

I had to watch it in film class. I don’t remember a single damn thing from this movie at all. It’s that boring.

[22] 2001 Space Odyssey

A classic Stanley Kubrick movie made in the late 60s. It’s obviously set in the year 2001. And like all 60s movies we grossly overestimated what the future would hold for us technology wise. It’s really trippy and is all about evolution. It’s the movie with the thinking computer Hal that ends up turning on his creators. Good thing my Laptop hasn’t killed me. Yet.

[21] The Grapes of Wrath

Based on the novel by John Steinbeck. I guess it’s about grapes or wrath or something.

[20] One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Good classic film starring a young and handsome Jack Nicholson in some insane asylum. It has its moments. The best part is when the native guy grabs the water fountain, throws it at the window and escapes.

[19] China Town

I’ve heard of Big Trouble in Little China. Now that’s a great movie. I love Raiden. And I really love that hoar Samantha from Sex and the City.

[18] Psycho

Okay Psycho is the defining classic horror movie. I’m sure everyone knows about the blood draining in the shower and his dead mother. It’s based on Ed Gein as the serial killer. He is the bases of so many horror movies such as Silence of the Lambs and the Texas Chain Massacre. Let’s just say he was fucked up and would make clothes out of women’s dead bodies. Today it wouldn’t scare me the slightest.

[17] The African Queen

I don’t think this movie deserves to be the 17^th greatest movie. I don’t even think it deserves to be on the top 10,000 movies of all-time. Have these critics from AFI even watch a movie past the 90s?

[16] All About Eve

All about Nothing. I don’t even know what to say about these boring ass movies. Next.

[15] Star Wars

Star Wars is a part of my life. Its part of our culture. I’ve probably seen it infinite times. I’m glad these old farts included it. Then they made the prequels. I think everyone was expecting way too much. I hated Jar Jar and I hated the kid even more. But I still enjoyed them. I just hope Disney doesn’t royally fuck up the new ones.

[14] Some Like it Hot

I like it hot too. So two men witness some crime and disguise themselves as women to get out of trouble. It reminds me of White Chicks where the two Wayans brothers go undercover as white chicks. I’ll admit they look as close as they could get, but they still look like two black men. It had maybe two funny parts in the whole damn movie.

[13] The Bridge on the River Kwai

My dad owns its. I have better things to do than watch it. Like plant a tree.

[12] Sunset BLVD

You know a movie is boring when you can barely read the summary without falling asleep.

[11] Its a Wonderful Life

I usually watch this every Christmas Eve. The guy didn’t even want kids. But a feel-good movie. I wish we saw the chick naked. I just didn’t understand when he’s about to commit suicide and then his guardian angel jumps in the river and he jumps after him to save him.

[10] Singing in the Rain

It was a funny movie way back in the 50s. I rather watch Scary Movie 8.

[9] Schindler’s List

Great movie. And it’s meant to be in black and white for added effect. It stars Qui Gon Jinn as a Nazi factory boss who makes a list of Jews that won’t get killed. Very sad and moving film. Good choice.

[8] On the Water Front

It stars Marlon Brando. He was a great actor. But so was Mike Myers. Then he made the Love Guru. I’m sure it sucks.

[7] The Graduate

I never graduated from University. I wasted three years and a lot of money to go nowhere in life. But the experience was awesome. I really miss it. It stars the Rain Man himself Dustin Hoffman as the graduate who has an affair with Mrs. Robinson. Great song.

[6] The Wizard of Oz

What an overrated and totally gay movie. But have you ever gotten really baked and watch this movie on mute while listening to Pink Floyd album Dark Side of the Moon? It’s really trippy because the music and video are synchronized and are describing the movie. For example when Dorothy enters Munchkin they dance to the song Money. Or you hear the Tinman’s heart beat.

[5] Lawrence of Arabia

Long and boring!

[4] Gone with the Wind

Frankly dear I don’t give a fuck about this movie.

[3] The Godfather

We’re are getting closer. Godfather is awesome. It’s one of those movies that you just had to watch before you die. Great acting, great story.

[2] Casablanca

Here’s looking at you kid. I knew it would rank high. It’s a classic but mostly dialog. It stars Humphrey Bogart that likes to drink and smoke. I think they should have included tits or something to keep me awake.

[1] Citizen Kane

“Rosebud.” I knew it would be the greatest movie. I think it’s on every critic’s list. Good filming and a good story. It was his sleigh by the way. I don’t know why he named it. I’d call mine GT. My favorite toy was Spirograph. “Spirograph.”

What Women Want?

What Women Really Want?

Mel Gibson has starred in some of the greatest movies. He was Mad Max in the um, Mad Max trilogy. “Who runs Barter Town?” “Master Blaster.” But I already wrote about the Thunderdome a while ago.

Brave Heart is one of my all-time favorite movies of all-time. What an awesome movie, I seen it a million times. And the Lethal Weapon series are cool too. Wait scratch that. Not the last one.

And then he starred in What Women Want.

As a child Mel’s mother was Las Vegas showgirl. Personally I find that creepy. It’s almost as bad as having your mom as a stripper. “Baby momma has to go dance.” I don’t know what happened to his father but hey what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

But it would be cool to grow up around hot women. And because of this Mel becomes a huge chauvinist. I’m no Freud but I guess since showgirls are there for male entertainment he views women as objects. Which they are. Haha, I’m joking.

Freud is also mentioned in the movie because one of his last questions was what do women want? Freud, you should know, you’re gay. They want the cock! And also a nice guy that listens, likes to snuggle and watch chick flicks like Moulin Rouge or What do Women Want.

Mel Gibson plays a Chicago advertisement executive whose target market are men. And he’s a man, man. But his boss, the doctor from MASH, tells him that young women are the fastest growing spenders and they need a piece of that pumpkin pie. So the company hires a successful female advertisement executive, Helen Hunt from Mad about You and Twister.

Twister was an awesome movie the first time you watch it in theaters. As I kid I always wanted to see a tornado in person. I thought they were cool. But not the part where they ruin peoples lives.

I wonder where people in trailers go when they a tornado is coming towards them? They don’t have a basement and they can’t really stay away from windows. On the other hand they can easily replace all of their belongings at the dollar store.

I also wanted to see a flood. How much fun would it be to go visit some town with severe flooding? You can ride skidoos everywhere and jump off people’s roofs. And go fishing or swimming wherever you want. It would be like Venice.

So Mel doesn’t realize how much of an asshole he is. One of the few funny parts is when Mel walks by the fat chick and as she’s about to eat a donut he said “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” Priceless. And he tells stupid jokes and I wonder how clueless you have to be to think women find them funny.

“A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.””

What a stupid joke, it doesn’t even make sense. Or Mel doesn’t realize women don’t like calling them broads. I mean who even calls sluts broads nowadays. Personally I call the hoes chicks or ladies. Hello ladies.

He frequents the coffee shop; I assume Star Bucks, and always hits on Marisa Tomei. Holy shit, she is fine. I would hit on her too. I go to Tim Horton’s every morning for a XL coffee. But my lines don’t work. “I want it black; you’re the only sugar and cream I need.”

Anyway Mel is trying out some feminine products to get into the female psyche. I think he tries some wax, lipstick, stockings and tampons. Apparently wax hurts a lot. But I have virtually no chest hair so I wouldn’t know. But I feel bad for women with an unsightly mustache.

His ex-wife is getting married and his daughter Alex has to live with Mel while the ex is going on a honeymoon. Where I assume there are playing tennis and fucking. So Alex catches him in the act trying on women products and he say he’s exfoliating. I didn’t even know what that meant until I looked it up. I guess it makes your skin vibrant and silky smooth.

Alex is a bit of brat but of course Mel knows nothing about her. Yet. Like he didn’t know she has a boyfriend who is three years older than her. And like all paranoid dads he doesn’t like that because he knows what teenage guys are thinking. Kissing and holding hands.

Anyway he’s holding onto a blow dryer and slips on some beads and falls into the bath.  And instead of dying he only gets mildly shocked.  And he soon finds out that he can read women’s minds.

That would be cool. I have no clue what women are thinking. I guess they think about “what time the Bachelorette is on tonight?” “What type of icream am I going to eat?” “Do I need to pick up some tampons?” or “Greg is such a stud. I hope he’s single?” Hello ladies.

Initially Mel doesn’t like his superpower and sees a female psychiatrist. This is like a Teen Wolf movie where something incredible happens and Michael J. Fox tells Styles he’s a werewolf. So Mel asks her a question only she would know and he tells her the answer. I forget the question but something like who her favorite soap opera heartthrob is or what kind of tampons she prefers.

Then the psychiatrist tells him the upside of being able to hear women’s thoughts. This is the part of the movie when things are looking up. It’s just like Teen Wolf where everyone knows that he’s a werewolf and he kicks ass in basketball.

So for the whole movie Mel eavesdrops on Helen and pretends to be the perfect man. Personally I’d stick with Marisa. But he totally steals all of Helen’s ideas. So near the end she becomes unnecessary and loses her job.

He finally does get to fuck Marisa and apparently he does a tremendous job. Then he doesn’t call her back. I think I missed a part. So he tells her he is actually gay. Homo.

He also reads his own daughter’s thoughts and finds out she wants the cock. Mel over hears that Alex is thinking that at prom “this will be the last dress I wear as a virgin.” Oh you hoar.

Later on he gets electrocuted again and boom he lost his superpowers. But he is a changed man and doesn’t need it anymore. He knows what women want. The cock. So at prom, without his powers, he finds Alex in the can crying. And that she wasn’t ready for the cock. So her asshole boyfriend hooked up with his ex. But I won’t ruin the end.

Now imagine they made the movie “What Men Want.” It would star a young and hot blond that works at Hooters. And when she is plugging in her vacuum cord in the socket; she gets electrocuted. And now she can read men’s minds. It would be a disaster.

So the blond hears what men are thinking. And everywhere she goes men want to fuck her. “I wonder what kind of panties she’s wearing.” “Oh you want the cock don’t you slut.” “I want to cum on your face.” “Nice tits.” or “I wonder what time Duck Dynasty is on tonight?”

Science versus Creationism

Religion was a way of explaining things. It’s just that it did a poor piss job at it. There are certain things in the Bible that we realize are false and completely inaccurate. Like the world being only 5,000 years old.

                      

It’s insane. The sad part of it is that there are crazy people out there that still believe in the most ridiculous things.

Creationism is the belief that God created all of the animals, including all of the birds, sea creatures and other species in six days. In other words, intelligent design is that there is a creator, God, of everything. Including Satan.

Evolution is the scientific theory that all organisms originated from a common ancestor and continue to change and adapt over generations for a long fucking time through natural selection.

I see their point of the creator of the watch analogy. That there needed to be a designer of a watch. Species are far more complicated than watches so there must be a designer; God. But watches metal devices. We are living organisms. They just don’t understand evolution.

I got this picture from I Fucking Love Science off a friend in Facebook

At first I thought this was hilarious. However it is pretty sad when you really think about it. I don’t like these religions\cults brainwashing young impressionable kids. I can’t believe this is real. It boggles the mind.

It’s like having questions like is the world flat, does the sun revolve around the Earth or is two plus two equal five? And this seems like a shitty ass fourth grade test. It’s more like a kindergarten quiz. Normal kids aren’t this stupid. Have you seen can that show Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?

So this is what I hate when people think religion is science or can be taught along with science. There is a reason why one is called a religion and one is called science. With science people test theories, hypothesis and such. With a new theory or advance in knowledge the older one is discarded.

With religion you can’t test things like “is God real?” And religion remains stagnant to change. They will never change their ideas and knowledge with new advances in science. Such as is the world is more than five thousands years old. We pretty much solved the age of Earth. So the theory of Earth being 5,000 years old should be thrown away. That’s what real science is.

But as you see they continue to be arrogant with their thoughts and traditions. When science comes along they will slightly change their religion to include it in their beliefs. So when we found out about the dinosaurs, through science, they say well man and dinosaur coexisted. Or else that fucks up creationism. And again, they won’t change creationism.

Here’s a funny question. If dinosaurs and man coexisted, then did Noah catch two of every dinosaur too? And keep them on a boat, feed them and make sure they don’t eat each other too? I would love to see Noah catch two T-Rexes and contain them on a boat without them going on a feeding rampage. Checkmate.

So if man and dinosaur coexisted, then what happened to these dinosaurs? They didn’t even attempt to explain it. When was the last dinosaur encounter, when did they go extinct? Because I don’t think it’s in the Good Book.

In fact they didn’t even know about dinosaurs until scientist excavated their bones. Apparently these Christians fail to understand fossils or geography. We tested these bones, and yes, they once lived millions of years ago. And not on the sixth day.

By the way, how do creationists explain new breeds of dogs? Like a poodle slash golden retriever. Uh, oh, God didn’t create said mutt on the sixth day. We humans created it out of cross breeding.

The Quiz:

1. The Earth is billions of years old

Um, true? Here’s an example. I assume Christians have never heard of Pangaea. Pangaea was the original super continent and by plate tectonics the continents slowly separated. Like an inch a year. Let’s just say it took more than five thousands for these continents to become where they are now.

2. Dinosaurs lived millions of years ago.

Uh, that sounds right. With geography, the layers of sediments are like a history book. When certain species are killed and trapped under mud or something, their bones are preserved. For the most part the deeper the fossils, the older they are. And they are much older than just 5,000 years old.

As I said earlier, what happened to every single dinosaur if they were around 5,000 years ago? What massive extinction killed all of these dinosaurs, all over the world, without even harming humans and present every day animals? I think something happened millions of years ago to kill them off. Go watch Jurassic Park if you don’t believe me.

3. On what day did God create dinosaurs?

I think that’s a little presumptuous. I don’t believe in God and I don’t believe He created dinosaurs. It’s like saying on what day did Greg save the world from aliens?

It reminds me of a guy I worked with at Goodwill that asked “did you ever suck a cock that you didn’t like?” If you either say yes or no that means that you’re gay. I said neither because I’m not gay or a drug addict. Checkmate.

4. Dinosaurs lived with people

No. The dinosaurs would eat and kill us. Spears, crossbows, swords, fire and catapults would do fuck all against a T-Rex. And again, they were extinct millions of years ago before man. Or even caveman. This isn’t the Flintstones.

5. What did people and animals eat in the beginning?

Not just plants. I liked to know when the beginning was. I think organism pretty much ate any organic substance. For example I never heard of lions eating grass before. Even in the beginning.

6. Which one fits the Behemoth Job 40?

He could circle an elephant, a rhinoceros or some random dinosaur. He circled the dinosaur. I think it’s a trick question. Neither. I looked up Job 40 and he doesn’t really explain what the Behemoth was. It could be a dinosaur and since it’s a question about the Bible I’ll give it to him.

7. If an animal has sharp teeth it must mean it is meat eater.

It makes sense. This question is probably the less crazy one. But my pet gerbil had sharp teeth and I didn’t feed him bacon. And beavers have sharp teeth so they can cut down wood and make a damn. So it not “must” mean it is a meat eater all of the time.

F-

Superstitions

I’m not a superstitious person. But look at my life. I must be the unluckiest person ever.

Walking under a ladder brings bad luck:

I don’t know why someone would walk under a ladder in the first place. It’s pretty dangerous.

A rabbit’s foot brings good luck:

That’s disgusting. I love rabbits; they’re cute and fluffy. Why would you kill a rabbit and then carry one of his feet?

Friday the 13th is an unlucky day:

I saw the movie series Friday the 13^th a long time ago. I do know that in the first one Jason drowns and it the killer is actually his mother.

To break a mirror will bring you seven years of bad luck:

I broke a mirror when I looked at it. What happens if you break several mirrors? Do you get 14 years of bad luck or 7 years of really bad luck?

Blowing out the candles:

By blowing out all of the candles on your birthday cake you get a wish. I didn’t come true.

To open an umbrella in the house will bring bad luck:

I don’t know why someone would open it inside? I don’t even use umbrellas. I wear a raincoat and or drive. Its funny we have an old one made out of metal. Not a good idea.

Horseshoes bring good luck:

I wonder if horseshoes give good luck when people play horseshoe toss. And whoever makes horseshoes should be the luckiest person.

A bird in the house is a sign of a death:

Oh shit! We took care of my uncles parrot Judge (he’s a lawyer) just a while ago.

666:

666 is the Devil’s number. I forgot which street but I remember there are actually two houses with the address 664 and 668 in Sarnia. I mean how annoying would it be if your house or apartment address be 666 when you want to order pizza or fill out some forms and stuff.

Finding a four leaf clover brings good luck:

And finding a five leaf clover brings really good luck. You might as well carry a rabbit’s foot and horse shoe too.

Step on a crack you break your mom’s back:

I’ve done this since I was a kid but for some reason I actually avoid stepping on cracks or sticks when I walk on the side walk.

At the end of a rainbow is a pot of gold:

It’s too bad that you can’t really find the end of a rainbow.

Garlic protects you from evil spirits and vampires:

I don’t believe in any spirits, good or evil, or vampires. I do like garlic bread. And it also wards of girls.

Beginners luck:

I’m not superstitious but I find this happens all of the time. The first time I played in this poker league I finished second place out of thirty people. And I barely knew to play. And the first time I played hockey since like ten years I scored two goals.

It is bad luck to sleep on a table:

I never heard of this one but found it online. I don’t know why someone would sleep on a damn table.

An acorn at the window can keep lightning out of the house:

This one doesn’t really make sense. I have never had the problem of lightning inside my house. But I better go find some just in case.

To drop a fork means a woman will visit:

Well I better go dropping forks because I’m so very lonely.

Smell dandelions, wet the bed:

When I was a little kid I used go out to the park and collect dandelions and give them to my mom. I never had trouble of wetting my bed. But I have shite in my bed when I was sick and had massive diarrhea

Bird shit equals riches:

Haha, my friend actually got bird shit on his shoulders. What are the odds?

Washing a car will bring rain:

This must be a new one. Good thing I don’t wash my mom’s car. And my dad uses the car wash. I remember how cool it was as a kid to go through the car wash in my dad’s Fiero.

It is bad luck to chase someone with a broom:

This is just silly. Who chases someone with a broom. Good thing we have vacuum cleaners and mops.

To find a penny heads up, brings good luck:

To find a toonie brings even more good luck. I remember I found a $20 bill at the movie theater. I told my mom because it was awesome. And she tells me to give it to one of the employees. Haha, ya right.

Evil spirits cannot harm you when you are standing in a circle:

Well I better start drawing circles just to be safe.

If a black cat crosses your path you will have bad luck:

My neighbors have a black cat and it crosses my path all of the time. They just let it roam the streets at night. And I’m tired of missing cat signs. There is still one since last year. It’s gone, move on and get another one.

When your palm itches, you will come into some money:

Let’s keep our fingers crossed that my palms become itchy. Daddy needs a new car.

A cricket in the house brings good luck:

Normally I hate insects, but I don’t mind crickets. Sure they may bring good luck, but they are annoying as Hell when inside. And did you know they make that annoying sound with their legs?

Throwing salt over your left shoulder:

Spilling salt is an evil omen so you throw some over your left shoulder to ward it. Spilling pepper is safe.

Saying God bless you after you sneeze:

People say God bless you because the soul might escape. I myself sneeze in bursts of like four to ten times. I guess that’s why I don’t have a soul

If your ears itch or burn, someone is talking about you:.

My ears are always burning.

Eating fish makes you smart:

Well I better start eating more fish.