The Wizard of Oz

The Wizard of Ozzy

I’m really low on ideas or things to make fun of for my blog page. But I can always make blogs about movies. So I was brain storming and I thought hey why not make a blog about the Wizard of Oz and how much I hated it.

I bought the VHS version and I can always do the whole listening to the Pink Floyd album Dark Side of the Moon while watching the Wizard of Oz without sound. It’s really trippy because the movie and CD are synchronized. Parts of the CD are describing what’s going on. As soon as Dorothy enters Munchkin Land the midgets start to sing and dance to the song Money. Or you can hear the Tin Min’s heart beat. It’s really cool; I believe you start the CD when the MGM lion roars a second time. Just make sure it doesn’t skip.

As you know its begins in a farm in Kansas where Dorothy lives with her aunt and uncle and three other farmers that you will see later on in the movie. And you see the bitch Miss Gulch who tries to steal Toto because the dog bit her or something. But Toto easily escaped the basket.

This whole movie would have been like fifteen minutes without all of the damn singing and dancing. They would get to the Wizard of Oz much quicker if they stopped singing and dancing every step. Where are the writers?  Dorothy sings the classic song Somewhere Over the Rainbow. I also sing this song in the shower but I can’t reach those high notes.

Dorothy tries to runaway and meets up with a shitty psychic. Afterwards she decides to return to home right into a fucking tornado. I would have just tried to stay as far away as possible from one. Her family is safe in the storm shelter while she is locked out. I’m not sure if they could hear her banging on the door or screaming for her life. So she is in her room when the tornado hits and she is knocked unconscious.

She wakes up and she’s like wow everything is in color now! She enters Munchkin Land and her house has landed right on top of the Witch of the East. What was the witch doing there in Midget land anyway? So the Witch of the South greets Dorothy and tells her that only evil witches are ugly. So the midgets do this elaborate song and dance to thank Dorothy. However this pissed off Wicked Witch of the West who is even more wicked than her sister. Great job Dorothy. And where is the Witch of the South in all of this?

The bright shiny pink shoes size fit Dorothy perfectly. I gave away my magical shoes because they were two sizes too small. I’m looking for maybe some size twelve Nike magic shoes but they cost too much. Dorothy then heads to the Wizard of Oz down the Yellow Brick road. I guess there is only really one road that leads the Oz. Unless you take the Red Brick road; it’s longer but more scenic.

She first meets the Scarecrow who is stuck against a post. He is made entirely out of straw and doesn’t feel pain. Apparently he is a retard looking for a brain. They dance and sing. Then they meet up with the Iron Man who is rusted and can’t move. They give him some oil and they all sing and dance again. Finally they come across the lion that is a big pussy. They dance and sing again and they all walk together to see the Wiz.

They are almost at the Emerald city and must cross a poppy field the witch magically planted. And Dorothy, the Lion and probably Toto get high and fall asleep. Too bad that Judy Garland became a real drug addict herself.

Finally they come to the city and are told they must prove themselves; they have to confront the witch. Well the flying monkeys capture Dorothy and Toto and the trio must save them. They actually pull off the whole beat up the guards and wear there uniforms to sneak in bit.

I guess the writers couldn’t come up with a plausible death to the witch. So Dorothy accidentally splatters water on the witch while she was trying to extinguish the scarecrow. And this is my big question; if water is so deadly and toxic to the witch than why would she leave a bucket of water in her castle? I mean if you know for whatever stupid reason water kills you wouldn’t just have one laying there for no apparent reason. I think it would be better if Toto pissed on the witch and she dies of that. What a world.

Finally they meet the Oz and he is a big fraud. He gives the lion some balls he badly needs. And maybe the lion should lose the ribbon. He gives the tin man a heart shaped clock when really tin men don’t have. I guess it’s a placebo. I have also have no heart or soul because I’m evil. And the Oz gives the scarecrow some useless diploma and the scarecrow spouts out some math equation of an isosceles triangle that is completely wrong.

And after this whole ordeal the Witch of the North tells Dorothy that all she needs to do is click her feet to go back to Kansas. Thanks a lot you bitch. So Dorothy wakes up and the whole time it was a dream. Fuck you writers. I never had such a long and vivid dream with midgets, flying monkeys and gay lions.

Too bad Kansas was hit hard and the area was completely decimated. The twister killed thousands of people and costs millions on damages. The End.

The Circus

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages welcome to the greatest blog on Earth!

I have never been to a real circus and I never will. One thing is that I’m terrified of clowns. They are scary and creepy and I don’t find them funny at all. Wow the clown puts on a shitload of makeup and wears clothes way too big for him; that’s hysterical! My mom on the other hand would love to go see Circus De Soleil and watch those French acrobats do crazy ass performances.

Back in the day the traveling circus would come to you. Not really anymore. I mean setting up the huge tents must be a bitch. The tents have to fit an audience and be large enough for the trapeze artists. The ringmaster is the presenter of the circus and likes to introduce the acts. He is like the foreman and doesn’t really do much. He’s not trying to tame lions or swinging across a hundred feet in the air.

Do trapeze artists have nets or what in case they fall? They would have to at one point while they were training. I remember way back I’d practice at the park to cross along those rings, but when I fall it’s only four feet. And now because kids are pussies they got rid of them.

I wonder who first thought of tight rope. These people are fucking nuts! I recall one insane guy cross the Niagara Falls. I don’t even like walking over the overpass. And because I have a sick mind I would love to see a tight rope walker lose balance. Haha he broke his leg, there goes his career. Haha. I also used to tight rope along the curbs when I went to school.

The lion tamer has huge balls. Lions do not make good pets and a lion could easily just lose it and attack the trainer. I don’t think the trainers are eligible for life insurance. What happens if some hungry lions got loose and started attacking the audience? There’s a class action lawsuit for the Ringling Brothers.

Lions, tigers, bears oh my. Circus’ also use a lot of other animals in the show. Animal rights activists and PETA have protested the use of these animals as animal cruelty. Sure it’s mean to whip them or make them go through hoops of fire. But I don’t think an elephant really gives a shit. I have no clue how they get a fucking bear on a ball but that looks pretty cool.

Jugglers are pretty neat. I can only juggle two balls at once while they can do like ten. I like when they get crazy and juggle swords. But unicyclists don’t really impress me. I’m sure it’s a bitch to balance on a wheel but it’s boring. As you know it’s like riding a unicycle.

And then there is the freak show, but the word freak is a bit insulting. I rather call them normally challenged. I don’t know if being in a freak show is demeaning or do they don’t give a fuck and might as well make money out of there misfortune.

There used to be the fat lady when people weren’t so fat. Seriously I now see fatter women in Wal-Mart driving their wheel chairs, so it’s not really an attraction anymore. Maybe if they had really huge boobs I would go see.

The sword sallower is an idiot. When exactly did he decide hey I suck at everything else why not shove sharp objects down my throat and hope I don’t die. I’m sure he began with plastic knives or a stick but how crazy would it be to try sword swallowing for the first time. I mean you could either choke yourself or cut vital organs. And for what, nobody really gives a shit anyway.

It must suck when women have to shave their mustache or chin. If that was me I would spend a lot of money to get laser therapy. And then there is the bearded lady. They have bigger beards than I do. At one point do you become eligible to become the bearded lady? Well those chin hairs are totally gross but not gross enough, try some testerone.

There is the lobster boy with his lobster hands and feet. Imagine what it would be like to have claws. You could never play the violin or video games. In fact it would be a bitch to drink beer or even jerk yourself off. However if anyone need scissors; he’s your man. I rather just cut my useless claws off and go with some prosthetic hands and maybe a megaman laser.

And then there is Carrot Top.

Freshman Year

College is awesome, but it can be a waste of money. My freshman year was the best year of my life. My dad graduated in engineering at University of Western Ontario and well he became an engineer. Since he was an alumni and donated some money I got in even with my shitty grades. So yeah it is definitely a party university for rich kids.

UWO is located in the heart of London Ontario, Canada. It’s a very beautiful campus. The main center has everything you need such as food court, gym, two bars and movie theater. The library is fucking huge and has every written book in the world. I’m sure Goosebumps fans will go crazy. Windsor University on the other hand sucks ass and has those rape phones every damn 100 meters.

When I talked to my high school councilor I told him I want to have a job in making video games. The closest UWO had to offer was this program MIT. But don’t get mixed up with the real MIT.  UWO’s MIT stands for Media Information Technoculture; whatever the Hell that means. But it is completely useless. I talked to a graduate and she loved it, but is now working at a golf course.

The best part of the MIT program was that a brand new dorm Essex was built and had an exclusive MIT hallway. Essex was awesome, it’s a coed dorm! We each have our own room, shared a bathroom and a common room with four students. And yes we have cable! Honesty I would go insane not having my own room or T.V. Seriously I could never share my room and would probably end up killing my roommate with a crow bar. And I mean what are you going to do without television? Read a book? Haha.

My dad bought me a meal plan that you buy food with your student card. It works at every cafeteria, Subway and Dominos. This is awesome because I love food. Right off the bat I told my roommates that I’m going to order pizza all of the time with my card. If I run out its not like my dad is going to cut me off and make me hunt raccoons or something.

We had a kitchen but also a cafeteria that was opened during the day. The problem was that we each took turns cleaning the dishes. But all I would ever eat was Kraft and drank coffee. I could care less if my dishes were not spotless. I hated doing them because my roommates ate a lot because they were fat or they would reek because one roommate was brown and made some nasty stuff.

But my roommates were really cool, in fact my whole hallway hung out with each other. And since we all were taking MIT we attended the same classes and helped each other out. Our room was the party room where we all chilled. We had two televisions; one for cable and one for video games. We watched a lot of movies and we played a shitload of video games like GTA, Dr. Mario and Mario Tennis.

As I mentioned, UWO is a party school and I like to party. I never drank so much beer or smoked so much weed in my entire life. Along

Richmond Street

is where where all of the action is. Bar hopping with chicks was awesome but I hate dancing. Honestly why do girls like dancing so much? I have no fucking clue what to do or how to move around for an hour. So my roommate told me he loves dancing and I said ya because we like chicks. You never hear a guy say no chicks tonight I just want to dance.

Getting drunk in London is awesome. We used dial a beer a lot, where you pay some dude to pick up alcohol for you. I remember so many walks to Subway completely smashed. Sometimes I could barely order a roasted chicken sub. I would take a good minute in choosing what kind of bread.

Funny my buddy told me he went to Subway and left his credit card. Well douche bag must have seen his password and ended up withdrawing a $1000. I’m not sure if he got it back or what. I would just get my dad to yell at them or else.

UWO students get a bus pass so you get rides anywhere for free. Not having a bike or being lazy I would keep transferring buses. The only downside is that some are totally packed during rush hour and I end up being squished. I need my space! I had a couple of incidents of dropping stuff. I actually spilled my change all over the bus and ended up trying to pick it all up. I didn’t bother with the pennies. I also let go my beer cans and groceries on the bus too.

Part of my problem with high school was that I hated getting up earlier and was always so tired at class. I spent many mornings with me head in my arms. So I was trilled to find out all of my classes were no earlier than noon. Finally I could wake up, have a hot shower, eat some breakfast, drink some coffee and not be in a rush to get on the bus. So I became a night person and became hooked on coffee.

I love music and ended up downloading a shitload. We had a sharing program much like Napster but only for the campus. You could download a song in seconds. I had every single hit from the 70s and up. Too bad I got a virus and lost it all. Damn you porn! So now I burnt all of my mps on blank CDs and also backed them up with external hard drive. Too bad I can’t find any Tina Turner songs anymore.

We only had two washers and dryers per floor and it was a bitch. Normally at home I just put my dirty clothes in this basket and they magically get cleaned. I would end of doing them like four in the morning. But some people suck and just throw it on the ground even though I use a basket. And without my mom’s expertise in cleaning tough stains I could never get the mustard out of my white shirt.

First year classes were a joke. I decided to try out a couple of courses in addition to MIT courses. I passed them all except I dropped out of computer programming after two weeks. I had to take a couple of MIT courses and they were fun and interesting. Our one teacher was weird and made us read this dark Batman book. I ended up doing an essay on Ewok culture.

What bothers me is how the professors make a fortune by keep making us buy the latest edition text book. These are hundreds of dollars. This is so stupid because they might just revise or add a couple of things. So try to sell your text book right away because you will never use it again.

Philosophy was my favorite course, this is where I shine. My TA loved my essays because they stood out. I made them all up without any references to philosophers in the book. He liked my appearance versus reality essay where I wrote about the Matrix. Too bad I lost all of my essays when my computer crashed. However I did write an earlier blog about free will and determinism.

I love movies and thought Film would be an easy bird course. It wasn’t because of all of the damn essays. Some of the movies were cool; I loved Memento and Run Lola Run. But some of them were still in black and white and sucked ass. I think the only exception was Singing in the Rain and Citizen Kane. And our professor was really gay and made us watch gay flicks like Legally Blond.

I love psychology and got great marks. I read the text book once and memorized the chapter summaries and bam I got 85%. I liked it so much that I switched majors and pursued the psychology program for my next two years. However after two and half years I dropped out of college and my dream of becoming a psychiatrist and making a lot of money is over. Now with all of my free time I’m going to write a best seller novel called Blind Faith.

Church

It’s my mom’s birthday today! All I got her was a funny card I got from Dollarama. I kept asking what she wants but she doesn’t want anything. My brother on the other hand one upped me by getting her a Hallmark card, buying her a nice scarf and some body lotion. I was a little disappointed that we didn’t go out for dinner; I was hoping for Chinese.

So she asks if I want to come with her to church and I said yes and she said she almost fainted. That was my gift. Now you might ask “but Greg today is a Tuesday.” Well my mom goes like three times a week and pretty much everyday is some special event. So she is super excited that I came and she showed me off to all of her church friends.

My mom tells me the last time me and my brother went to church was for Mother’s day five years ago. And my dad never goes. I was pretty much forced to do or take confirmation but later after a long and heated argument I told her that I officially renounce my religion. And I broke a piece of her heart.

I remember church was so boring as a kid. It was the same routine every week. I swear to God I would hear the whole prodigal son parable every month. I never quite understand the moral of this story. So the one son blows all of his doe on partying and hookers and comes crawling back to dad. And dad says something like I have lost a son but he has returned. And the good son complains that he has been faithful and wants some to eat a goat with his friends

So me and my brother would go to church when my mom wasn’t going and ditch it. As soon as my dad or mom leaves we would head to the variety store and walk around the park. And then we would sneak back in before mass ended. And hopefully they would have timbits afterwards.

This is random but do you remember Solomon the wise? There is this story that two women were fighting over a baby and genius says something like well cut the baby in half and only the true mother would give the baby up. Hmm. I’m pretty sure both women would give up the baby instead of cutting it in half. What Solomon should have done is go on Jenny Jones and do a fraternity test.

The problem churches face is a lack of priest because nobody wants to be one. They should change it so priests can have a family, kind of like the Anglicans. So I find it funny that we had an East Indian with a heavy accent as the priest. Honestly I almost laughed. I was thinking he was going to tell us “thank you come again” at the end of the sermon. I guess like telemarketers East Indian people are desperate for work and think hey I could be a priest.

I swear all they did was pray for twenty minutes and read some useless bible passages. My mom got up and did a reading. And all throughout the mass I’m thinking this is some messed up cult. You hear everyone speak together in unison like they are brainwashed. So we go through all of the motions; standing up and kneeling and sitting down and kneeling. I never understood the whole eating Jesus thing. So the wine is Jesus’ blood? He must be an alcoholic. And then you eat Jesus crackers?

I’m an atheist but I have nothing against Christianity. However I think God rather you to enjoy life and marvel at everything he has created and help people. And not just keep worshipping him. Seriously God must get really bored of all this praising stuff.

Imagine you are a rock star and everywhere you go people tell you that you rock. It would eventually get really irritating. I mean God is God; He doesn’t need people reminding Him that He is all powerful.

I do admit that most of the people at church seem to be really happy people. But it really bothers me that two boys are at a church by themselves on a Tuesday. I understand Sunday but let them play and have fun.  It’s this is brainwashing crap that gets them while they are young. I see them bowing at the arc of the covenant, dipping their hand in holy water and in deep prayer. I turns them into geeks that think church is cool. Well it isn’t.

Home Alone

So I’m watched the Good Son, what an awesome thriller. Macaulay Culkin is awesome as the twisted kid. And it stars Frodo as the cousin. But I won’t ruin it for anyone who hasn’t seen it. It’s very old and I don’t think you can buy it or even download it. So it got me thinking of Home Alone and Uncle Buck. We already owned Uncle Buck and I bought a Home Alone VHS tape for a dollar.

As you know Macaulay Culkin is a child star that emancipated from his parents so he could have could keep all of his money. Too bad he has no future and probably spent all of his money; most likely on drugs. I think there is a similar fate for that Sixth Sense kid. I wonder where he is now. I bet everyone asks him if he sees ghosts.

Now I analyze the fuck out of movies and always question everything. But then there wouldn’t be many movies. For example, why doesn’t he just call the cops? This whole catastrophe could have been adverted. But he is a sick child that called the cops after the fact.

So his whole family flies to France without him. Who would go to France for Christmas? They don’t speak French and French people are total dicks. Except my aunt. So what would they do there? Obviously they couldn’t bring the gifts along so did they leave them at home or what? I much rather play Zelda Skyward Sword than drinking wine and eating cheese at some boutique.

I loved this movie as a kid but all realism went flying out the window. I’m sure this thing happens but why wouldn’t they call someone? I know this was way before cell phones. Speaking of which, my cousin is like ten and he has a cell phone and I don’t. And there are hardly any pay phones and they will soon cost a toonie. Anyway, call the neighbors, call the cops, call his friends, call anybody.

So the mother is like holy fuck we left Kevin and she is determined to get home but can’t find a way. Why is she so worried? Whats the worst thing that could happen? Uh beside robbers. Fun fact: I actually wanted to be a robber in kindergarten. There should be food around and I think he is old enough to survive alone. So not being able to fly home the mom hitches a ride with the funny John Candy.

Funny my uncle Peter and Aunt Dominique were over today. He’s a lawyer and she is a French flight attendant. I ask if she seen any celebrities or fat people too fat to fit in one chair. I got into a fun argument with Peter and ask why somebody should have to pay for two seats. Remember he is a lawyer and he says it’s their fault they are fat and we got into an argument about fat people and genetics.

Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern are the unlucky burglars that stake out all of the rich people’s houses on the street. Kevin finds out about them but he doesn’t call the cops. He somehow managed to put up a million lights to scare them off. How come the lights weren’t already set up because they obviously have them and how could he set them up so fast. He also had these manikins setup that moved around to look like there are people at home. Weird.

For whatever reason he decides to buy a tooth brush. Good for him, you should take care of your teeth but what about the one he already has. And then he goes grocery shopping, only for him, when I’m sure there is still food lying around in the house. He buys laundry determent, again which should be in the house. But he has to use to wash his clothes even though he only has only worn two shirts and pants. Pay attention to what he wears.

Eventually the burglars find out he is alone and the kid finds out they are burglars. They are stupid and greedy and decide they just have to rob that house even though Kevin could inform the police once they are gone. They actually said they will steal rich stuff like TV’s and VCRs. Ha, VCRs, who would use one of them. I always wondered where robbers sell all of their goods they have stolen. Maybe a pawn shop, maybe a garage sale, I don’t know.

He decides to booby-trap the whole house for the burglars. What happened if his mom or family came home before the bad guys? “Kevin we are home! What the fuck. I just stepped on a fucking bear trap!” And how did he clean up the house and get rid of all of his deadly traps.

Again this kid is one sick fuck. So here are some of the traps that should have killed or maimed the robbers. He shoots a baby gun at Pesci in the junk and Stern in the face. Haha good fun. Then he freezes the steps and they slip like five times and should have broken their necks. What happens when this is all over? Does he have salt for the steps?

Retards finally find out the basement door is unlocked and I’m thinking why would Kevin leave it unlocked? Stern pulls a light switch that sends a fucking iron at his face. I’m no doctor but I think that would kill him. And he steps on tar and then on a nail. Ouch. They also slip on toy cars and step on sharp ornaments.

While Stern is in the basement Pesci grabs the door knob only to find out it is burning hot and he quickly puts his burned hand in the snow. What good fun. He opens another door and as soon as he enters his hair catches on fire from a flame thrower. Hmm. Where exactly did Kevin obtain a flamethrower? I’m pretty sure they are illegal. And now he has second degree burns on his head. And who could have forgot the paint cans to the forehead. Again that would cause massive trauma.

The robbers almost catch the kid until he grabs and throws his bother’s tarantula onto Pesci. And Stern does the whole don’t move I’m going to kill it with a crow bar. Great idea. Eventually the robbers catch the kid and I’m thinking finally kill the bastard. But it just so happens that scary old guy nails them with a shovel, which would really hurt. Macaulay bugged me; I would have loved if Pesci shot him in his heartless heart.

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Casino Royal

As you should know I love gambling and Texas Holdem. But I hardly go to the Point Edward casino anymore. I stopped going after I put my keys to the Fiero on the table because I had a full house and then lost to a bigger full house.

BINGO! There used to be a ton of bingo halls where you can see the billowing smoke. I think three quarters of the bingo players have lung cancer now. Ever since the whole no smoking bans they lost most of their business. I guess it’s not as fun checking off numbers without smoking.

And the race track is closing now too because the casino has taken over. I made a five dollar bet on the top horse to place. My horse won but I only made like fifty cents. I’m thinking of buying my own race horse that I will call Stampede. I do love watching jockeys because they are so tiny. Haha. One of the funniest things I have ever seen on T.V. was a fight between jockeys.

So the casino is where the action is. I’d play more poker there but I’m on a tight budget. The thing is, play how much you are willing to lose and never try the whole win back your money. The cheapest blinds are one and two dollars but there is a lot of raising. Especially preflop. However you do get the best odds and it takes actual skill. You have to play your cards right and you should tip the dealer for karma.

Obviously there is a lot of security and cameras. Does the security pay attention or are there cameras watching them and cameras watching them watching them? For example when you play black jack you tap the table instead of saying hit me or stay.

I used to play black jack and like Rainman I’m an idiot savant and can count cards. But they kicked me out. And now I’m just an idiot. People are really superstitious. I always hear oh it’s a cold dealer or oh you took my card. The thing is that the odds are against you and you will eventually lose.

Craps are really tough for me. And the game craps is confusing. Haha craps. I have no clue how it works but I think you roll the dice and you want a seven and not snake eyes. What I’m curious is what happens if the dice fall off the table. Do you do a do over? They should have that bubble thing from Trouble.

There is always a super hot chick that is impressed by how much money you are betting. I think they hire her. So I’m betting big time and letting her blow on the dice but when I got snake eyes she leaves me and I ask if I will see her again.

Slots are huge for old ladies that enjoy sitting there all day pressing buttons. They don’t even have handles anymore. Too bad there are no more cheap drinks that you get when you play nickel slots. If anything the drinks are expensive. In the end you are going to lose to the house; that’s how casinos make money. However I would play slots if it was just like in Super Mario 2. And do you get a basket or what when you hit Jackpot.

Some people are incredibly stupid. Roulette has great odds but just because it landed on black ten times in a row, it doesn’t have to be red. These aren’t balls, it will always be the same odds before hand or else the casino would lose money. I saw this one idiot with a sheet that casino hands out so he check off which numbers have been hit. Seriously come on.

Cops

Bad guys, bad guys, whatcha’ going to do? Whatcha’ going to do when they come for you?

Cops is one of my long time favorite shows. What I don’t get is can you bring along a camera man (wait camera person) video tape it and then show it on TV? I know they are guilty and are total dicks but don’t they have the right not to be shown on TV; unless of course they think that would be cool.

I always wonder why they hire fatass camera persons. Its hilarious how they can’t keep up when the suspect (or bad guy as they like to call them) boots it and all you can hear is them trying to breath like Darth Vader; “whooofoo whoo mmooo…”

It’s incredibly convenient that they happen to bring a camera man along so that the cop can make a speech about protecting his city or whatever. I think they wait for a crime to happen then give their speech they probably spent all week preparing. “I’ve been patrolling these streets for ten years now and I think I made a difference. I love this job and it’s exciting uh putting away the bad guys. You do the crime; you better well do the time! Slime!”

The bad guys are a hilarious mix of white trash rednecks, crack heads and thugs. I love their stories about how they borrowed the car from a girl named Syphonia Jones and that’s her ice on the seat. Or “okay who stabbed who first, you are your wife?” “I told you she threw vinegar in my face and I was protecting myself.”

Even funnier is how racist the cops are. I saw a guy pull over a black guy on his bike because he had a hunch. Sure the guy did have coke but isn’t that racial profiling? “Hmm black adult on a bike, he has coke, I know it.” I bet they don’t show the misses. “Sorry sir I mean you’re black and all. How was I supposed to know? Move along.”

What I don’t get is how stupid you have to be to run away from the cops. I heard of highway chases because the guy had parking tickets. Not only is it incredibly dangerous for innocent people but they are screwing themselves. I think maybe 1 in 50 actually get away (but not for long) and then when they get caught they probably do more time because of the chase and not for the reason they ran.

Anyway if I was a cop I wouldn’t necessarily be a crocked cop but I would definitely lose that bag marijuana in the evidence room or take the guys bong in exchange for me letting him go. And I love stupid criminals. There was this kid who got caught with an ounce of pot that was divided in smaller bags obviously for selling it. And he says “it’s not mine. I’m selling it.”

Pokemon!

I am a pokemon master! I will take on any pokemon trainer, any pokemon, any time! Bitch. I even have a Mewtwo tattoo on my arm, a Ponyta on my back and a Gyarados along my leg. That’s how hardcore I am!

A long long time ago I was reading Nintendo Power and heard of this pokemon craze in Japan and I predicted it would be huge here in North America. I also predicted that in the near future tons of people would be hooked on prescription pills. It was originally called Pocket Monsters but there was already Pocket Monsters if you remember. I don’t know where my mom put mine because I’m sure they will be worth a lot.

You gotta catch them all! Catch them all indeed.  Half the fun is catching the pokemon. On my original red cartridge I had about 125 pokemon. I ended up evolving most of them near the end of the game. Then I accidentally saved over it.

They make a lot of money by only allowing one save file and that you need to trade with someone else to get all of the pokemon. So I bought Pokemon Red and Jason bought Pokemon Blue so we could trade pokemon. I don’t think he was as into it as me and we never really fought or traded. So I ended up buying a second game.

Almost my whole art class owned it and we would play it during class. We found out that some kid had played it for like 35 hours and was made fun of. I don’t know why it’s nerdy to like a game a lot?  You all play the same damn game; just some people like it more, take their time and try to catch every single pokemon.

I love the Safari Zone where I feed pokemon and then start chucking rocks at them. But I could never catch the damn Chansey because she is a scared little bitch. And I never bothered trying to buy Porygon. And there was the damn eevee that you could only catch once but there were three evolutionary choices. The thing is is what do you do when you catch all of the pokemon? Do you win a fabulous prize like a trip to Vegas or do you get a message “you have caught all 151 pokemon! Good for you.”

Charizard is the best choice for your starting pokemon. At first you use the Rat and Pigeon but they’re useless and you should just ditch them when you catch better pokemon. And for all of those that don’t know you can catch Pikachu right away in the forest. “Pika pika.” Yes Pikachu, pika pika. He’s so cute.

Near the end my lineup was Charizard, Gyarados, Hypno, Spearow and Alakazam. Alakazam! I love saying Alakazam; I say it each time I pull him out. Go Alakazam! He is my top pokemon and can do all of the fighting all by himself with confusion, teleport, recover and psychic. I use Meowth because he can make money and is the only pokemon that can talk. “That’s correct Greg, I use pay day to generate money.” I love using Hypno to make pokemon fall asleep and then to catch them while they sleep. I use Gyarados to swim and fight. And uh Spearow. Yes Spearow, only because it can fly.

Pikachu pika! At first I thought it was weird that pokemon only say their names but I guess it’s better than them just grunting and growling. Some of the names are clever and some are stupid. I didn’t even realize right away that Ekans and Arbok were spelled snake backwards. I think Hitmonchan and Hitmonlee are a reference to karate masters Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee. I like to spank the Mankey. And I love it getting jiggy with it with Jigglypuff.

You have got to love those pokeballs; they remind me of the Ghostbusters traps. Imagine in real life you could catch animals and carry them around in pokeballs. I would love to have a pet monkey to do my bidding. Or I could catch an elephant and carry it in my pocket until I need it. I would be cool to ride a tiger. And I could unleash a rhinoceros on my enemies. Rhino rhino!